After a moment of slowly awakening from his slumber in relief to still be alive after a horrific nightmare, a man in his thirties sighed with a palm at his ebony black hair. He did not think any nightmare would be as traumatizing as the one he had. But more importantly, he hoped he did not urinate on a brand new mattress he bought with a fraction of his savings. Slowly turning his head to the left, he witnessed a very brief sight of another person right next to him. Rather astonished, he jolted himself awake. His frantic jolt caused the other individual to slowly wake up with a soft groan, along with two lip smacks.
"Top of the morning, sweetheart." The man's jaw dropped in disbelief. His gut weakened heavily as his skin broke an unbearable amount of sweat. He began to whimper, frozen still in place. "Oh my gosh! Did I startle you? I am so sorry! I'm not really making a good first impression, am I?"
The one the man wearing nothing but a pair of white boxers with pink polka dots woke up next to was no other than Wade Wilson, otherwise known as Deadpool, otherwise known as "The Merc with a Mouth". He was simply lying next to him in the red and black suit that covered up his whole body, including the mask with two white eyes he can see his apparent new lover through.
"Did we hook up?!" the black-haired bloke asked unstably.
"Maybe," Deadpool replied, sitting up and softly placing his hand on his cheek. He then moved over and clasped onto him, holding him down into place. "Just kidding! We got laid…with each other." Listening to another hoarse snivel, he continued to run his mouth sweetly in a carefree manner, "Aww, you're so cute when you freak out. Last night was so worth it, wasn't it?"
"Oh man. This is not good." the American human muttered, unable to escape the Canadian mutate's grasp whilst thinking of his significant other, along with how she would react to him stooping so low. "This is not good." Before he could say anything else, the masked figure calmly shushed him, placing his index finger to his bared teeth.
"Don't worry, babe. I used protection. I'm not ready to have a baby yet, even though you can't really tell if I am a green alien or not since I'm still in my suit." Deadpool's apparent babe found it quite odd that he would talk in such a way of words with such wit after hooking up with someone. "I'm terribly sorry that we didn't get to properly greet each other before our special moment together. I was too busy killing people at that time." The mentioning of taking lives shook the half-naked cheater. "What's your name, honeybuns?"
"V-Vincent." Vincent's heart was pounding unbearably. Not only did he feel like he lost track of his morality, but he could have endangered himself by waking up next to a mercenary.
"Pleasure to meet you, V-Vincent," The way the mutated merc mocked his prey's stuttering added a hint of irritation to his fear. "And a pleasure to sleep with you too." He continued to talk to him seductively, placing one gloved hand on his cheek and running the fingers on his other hand through his hair. "My stars, you're such a handsome specimen. Those beautiful eyes of yours tell me that our lovemaking was really special to you." He then asked, "Wanna know who the fuck I am?"
"Ummm…okay." Poor Vincent Brooks was so uncomfortable, yet he began to consider his new bachelor to be a nuisance.
"I'm a superhero who wears a red suit, but probably unlike a certain Spider-dork, I shoot webs from another place." He then placed his finger under Vincent's chin. "You know that now, right?"
"Yeah, I guess." Vincent groaned with his feeling still gradually devolving from a strike of guilt to slight annoyance.
"The name's Pool. Deadpool." Having a little too much fun as a new admirer, Deadpool softly tapped Vincent's nose and squeaked, "Boop!" After a chuckle at his aggravated grunt, his tone turned serious. "Now…I don't mean to be an asshole, Vincent," He then snarled, firmly grasping his chin and slightly pinching it. "But if you ever cheat on me, especially with some douchebag named "Francis", I'll either use you as a target while I practise aiming with my pistols or slaughter your ass into chunks with my katanas. Comprende, my sexy señor?" Vincent went blue as his heart was still beating uncomfortably at his threatening remark that was close to rubbing salt into the wound. He then slowly stuttered,
"I…I promise I won't cheat on you…Deadpool…" The comedic antihero then pinched his cheeks gently just before praising him in a honeyed and patronising way.
"That's a good boy!" After giving both of his cheeks a kiss, the merc continued his promiscuous flirtatiousness. "Maybe next time we do woohoo, we can bring some unicorn plushies." He then looked down at Vincent's boxers cunningly with perversion. "I hope you won't mind a bit of their blood, even on a new pair of boxers with unicorns instead of polka-dots." He then looked back into those fearful blue eyes. "Now those would look drop dead sexy on you!" Deadpool's bachelor could not believe what he had to put up with in the morning. Someone he slept with was a quite different type of person compared to the woman who he was dating for five years. He once again thought about her and knew she would not be happy to find out about him sleeping with someone else behind her back. The combination of guilt and aggravation was unbearable.
"Additionally, I could also bring some handcuffs for you, sugarlicious. Doesn't that sound fun?" How Vincent wished he was not in the situation that shocked, terrified and irritated him at the same time. Deadpool then leaned close and whispered into his right ear after a short pause, "Don't worry. We didn't really do the nasty together last night."
"We DIDN'T have sex?!" Vincent whispered back. The masked rascal shook his head after looking back into his eyes.
"All of this was a prank for a little Valentine's Day special written by someone who could not think of a better plot, even though she's still our precious little Laurapop. We did not fornicate whatsoever." Vincent let out a massive sigh of relief, knowing that he has not betrayed his overbearing, but loyal girlfriend after all. "What a motherfucking twist!" Deadpool then gasped. "Shit!" He scrambled out of the bed and proceeded to gather the weapons he left on the floor before the prank. "I have to go and give Mr. Snookums his bath. Turns out he's found a female dog and he'll probably have adorable puppies someday." After he was loaded, he turned back to Vincent and waved at him sweetly. "Ta-ta for now, my darling Vincent!" Before fleeing the scene, he proceeded to give him a kiss on the lips, annoying him once again. As Deadpool left the room, the man in nothing but his underwear gagged softly from the kiss. He thought he could smell chimichangas.
Just when Vincent thought he would finally have some peace and quiet in his apartment, the merc then opened the door slightly and peered through the gap, catching his attention.
"Pssst! One more thing, Vincent! Call me when you would like another crossover!" He then added flirtatiously, "I'll think about you while I touch myself tonight." Vincent was delighted that he did not actually have sex with some stranger in a suit, thus he did not have to feel as if his relationship with his girlfriend has been tainted. He was also glad to finally be at peace. Nevertheless, he continued to frown. If only he told Deadpool that he was already in a relationship.
"Does that guy ever shut the fuck up?" He then sighed. "Man, he's weird." Just then, he noticed a fairly small piece of paper at the computer on his desk. Slowly getting up from the mattress and approaching it, he noticed that a row of numbers and a message above them were written in red ink. Picking it up with his right hand, he read the message in his head:
I was kind of expecting you to call me "weird" after our special moment together. Here's my number, honey! Copulate ya later! xxx
Looking at the way the note was written, Vincent knew he didn't have to try and guess who wrote it. He then sighed in even more infuriation and mumbled to himself,
"Not only is he weird, but he's also an asshole." But just after his remark, he also noticed a small present at the opposite end of the desk with another note settling on top of it. Sitting down with his legs folded and bringing them to him, he read the note in his mind:
Oh. And I was expecting you call me an asshole too. Nevertheless, here's a present for you. I hope you like it, sweetie!
Yours truly,
Deadpool xxx
Despite groaning at another smug remark of Deadpool's, he remained quite curious about what could be inside the present. Tearing off the red wrapping paper after removing the white ribbons surrounding it, he was surprised to see what the gift was. A pink pair of boxers with white unicorns printed on it.