Never say goodbye, never say goodbye
You and me and my old friends
Hoping it would never end
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye
Holdin' on, we got to try
Holdin' on to never say goodbye
I guess you'd say we used to talk
About busting out
We'd break their hearts
Together, forever
Never Say Goodbye, by Bon Jovi, from the album Slippery When Wet, released in 1986
We had a large congregation for the funerals of our lost ones. We did not bury them at the same time, but all at their own times and places- so we could remember them individually. I had gotten a black dress for the occasion, that went down to my legs, barely missing touching the ground. With black flat pumps and my hair in an intricate braid, I had the bracelet Jacob got me round my wrist, connecting me to the pack.
The first to be buried was Sam, and it was near a giant tree. It was near my meadow- our meadow- but a little way away. There was a large twisted-trunk tree in the centre, and it was under that where we would bury him. Sam and Emily had spent a lot of time here- and while she was still largely despondent, she helped in a few ways to get the funeral for Sam ready. Such as picking the location. The grass was bright and vibrant, with flowers swaying in all directions.
The tall tree, though hurt in ways we couldn't accurately see, remained a guiding presence for all of those present in the forest- exactly how Sam did for us. The tree.. it would be perfect to represent Sam. Some of the boys, those who were less injured than me and Jacob- although we had both tried to go and help- went out there with shovels to dig a hole large enough to bury his body in.
With that strenuous task banned by our Pack, I set to growing- with my severe lack of a green finger, some plants to decorate the grave with. Fortunately, I had Life ready to assist me- not Mother Nature, Shadow's Son, Life- and for every seed I planted, he'd make it sprout into a seedling, able to survive on its own. As far as I was aware, Jacob was away crafting a marker to mark the grave, but what he was going to do with it design-wise I wasn't sure of.
I channelled my inner Renee, and researched deeply into what certain flowers meant- I wasn't about to give Sam a simple daisy. I'd gotten some Hydrangea seeds as one of my selections. It was a lilac colour that seemed to overlayer, crisp and curly. It represented 'heartfelt emotions and gratitude' which was what everyone had to Sam: he did so much for us and received very little in return.
Then there was a 'cosmo' which was a vibrant red with a yellow centre, which apparently represents 'order and harmony'. That's what Sam did within the Pack after all- he kept harmony and peace, but also kept a fair order over us all, and protected us all in his own way. Emily had asked for, with few words, for lavender coloured roses and red roses to be added to the bouquet, and so we did.
Doing my own research again, I learnt that a red rose stood for love, and a lavender rose stood for love at first sight, which was literally what an Imprint was. I added a coral coloured rose, not just for some variety, but also because it meant 'friendship and sympathy' which could be mean two different ways for the two different people who were affected. The last few flowers were elderflower- compassion- gladiolus- the strength of character, honour and conviction- and blue tulips- respect, tranquillity and trust.
"Thank you for helping me with this."
I said to Life, running my hand around his ears. He nodded his head. I couldn't help but notice that he was more scarred then I had last seen him. That was likely due to the war.. Though a little hot-headed, reminding me of Paul- oh Paul, I miss you. I miss your tenacity and stubbornness- he was more kindly then one would think at first appearances. I picked up the pots and cradled my bracelet close to my chest- waiting for one of the boys to come and pick me up.
"Samuel Joshua Uley was my first introduction to the Quileutes- even though I hadn't known it yet. He was the one I met when I tried to see Jacob, the one who prevented me from seeing him. It's safe to say that I didn't have the best impression of him. That's pretty rare for me- usually, I get on with most people. But that viewpoint quickly changed once I'd gotten some perspective. Those of you who know me understand what I went through, and why someone to follow was something I needed. For those of you who don't, let's just say I was injured and had to adapt quickly to a change in circumstance. My opinion changed of Sam once I understood why he had acted the way he did- to try and protect both me and Jacob- and my opinion changed from a cruel man to a kindly, guiding spirit. One that I could appreciate."
I took a minute to collect myself, tears streaming down my face as I stood a few metres in front of the hole. In the bushes, I could make out some of Shadow's children watching, and so was Shadow. Some of the other packs had representatives within the hordes of people, and of course, there was my pack- our pack, the pack- sitting, each either sporting bruises or injuries. I took a breath and dabbed the tears away with the back of my hand.
"I looked up to Sam in a way that I could not my father. Paternal in his own way, I looked at him as a big brother, a mentor. He was the one who taught me new skills to help me in my change of circumstance, who helped to look after me when I was injured, who introduced me to his girlfriend Emily, who became a good friend of mine. He calmed me down when I wanted revenge for what happened to me, and promised me justice without unnecessary actions. He defended me until the end and took what I said into consideration, rather than just ignoring me as I had no experience. That was how Sam earned my trust and my respect- always willing to do the right thing, and guide those who needed it. I can only hope that he's at peace now, waiting patiently for us all to join him one day, and I want him to know, if he's listening now, that I vow on my life, that I'll protect Emily until the day where I see him again."
In full tears now, I walked off the small stage, bowing my head and returning to my place next to Jacob. He was upset himself, but wrapped his arm around me as the next person- Emily- went up to speak.
I was on my knees in front of Sam's grave, filled in and covered with dirt. I had dug holes with a trowel I'd brought with me, and I was carefully surrounding his grave with flowers. Jacob's sign- with Samuel Joshua Uley, 1986-2008, with 'Lawatsá·kil taká· kwayá·yak Ꜿí·tsá·dax xilikɨd·o' inscribed into that.
Which, for those of us who don't read or speak Quiluette, means 'Wolf who howls, never forgotten.' The last few flowers were being planted, and I had all faith that they'd grow strong- perhaps guided by the tree. As the wind whipped around me gently, embracing me like a hug, I patted Sam's grave like I would Jacob's fur.
"I meant what I said. I'll look after her."
I bowed my head, a few more tears dripping onto the grave and resulting in a wet patch.
"Rest in peace brother."
And I could swear the wind got more intense.
Leah was next. Sue and Seth had decided to bury her within the forest, at the heart, where Harry would take the three of them. There was a small lake where they would sit and fish, and there was a small pier which Harry and my dad had constructed long before I permanently left Forks.
So, that was where Leah was buried, just to the side of that little pier. Like I did for Sam, I picked out a few flowers, different ones to Sam, and again, Life helped me grow them. Alstroemeria; a pink flower, with yellow centres, meaning friendship, a white chrysanthemum; meaning truth and loyal love, heather lavender; admiration, solitude and beauty, and hydrangea; heartfelt emotions, and gratitude.
Jake had made another marker, this one in the shape of a leaf, which had her name and details engraved into it. Leah Clearwater, 1986-2008, with another Quileute phrase engraved into it. This one looked like this, in neat intricate writing: 'bikkwá·yoli tí·wa Ꜿáxw taxí·lit' or, 'Guard in Spirit'.
Leah and I had a close sisterhood- distanced at the beginning, but closer at the end. We were devoted in a way that symbolised a close friendship, but not a relationship, and we both had a deep understanding of one another.
Being the two girls in the pack, we had formed a strong bond. She, along with the rest, helped me get over the betrayal of Edward, and in turn, I helped her get over the hurt unintentionally caused by Sam. She had no longer been so cold and spiteful, and the pack had warmed up to her. Seth, I had heard, was whittling a little symbol for Jake to stick onto the sign, something he could use to remember and signify his sister.
The congregation for Leah's funeral was smaller than Sam's. Whereas Sam had been largely known in the community for his good deeds and willingness to help, Leah had been more of a recluse. As such, I didn't have to censor my speech as I did with Sam's. I could be open.
As Alpha Female, I was required to present my speech at the funeral, something I hated, mainly because I was still introverted by nature. Still, speaking from the heart had gone well at Sam's funeral, so hopefully, it went the same.
As I stood up, barely managing to keep my tears in check before I spoke- thanks to my wolf- I looked at the assembled community, ready to say their goodbyes to Leah. Seth and Sue were here, so was our Pack, Shadow's Pack, Charlie and the council, and of course the Imprints of every shifter who came here.
"Leah.. well, when I first saw Leah, I was a little off-put around her. Our personalities clashed quite drastically- ironic, considering how we had the whole wolf thing in common. She was outgoing, confident- all the things that I lacked. I was reserved, introverted. Despite that, it took us little time to warm up to one another- we both bonded over being hurt by those we loved, even if the circumstances behind both were quite different. But we both bonded over several things- one being that we were the smallest, something which the boys loved to point out-"
I paused to allow them to chuckle, Seth having a sheepish grin on his face as tears trickled down. Everyone, even the usually stoic Charlie had a few trickling down, his arm wrapped around Sue. There was something going on there, I'd swear it. Once they looked like they'd collected themselves as well as they could have, I continued speaking, fiddling my wrist awkwardly.
"-and another thing being our repeated annoyance at the boys whenever they did something especially stupid. Sorry boys, but that happened more often then you guys admit. So we were like sisters. As the saying goes, I'd take a bullet for her, and I'd hope she'd take one for me. Not that the bullets would do very much- benefit of advanced healing- but the point still stands. The moment we truly respected one another, was when I pounced Sam while training. I managed to pin him accidentally, but as the pack, Leah included, began to rib him, Leah was complimenting me. I believe she said something along the lines of 'Not bad Swan.' That happened to dredge up unpleasant memories of Gym but also allowed us to mutually trust one another. So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I am going to miss Leah, not just as a pack member, not just as the only other girl in the pack, but as a friend and loved one."
I closed off my speech by closing my eyes, an image of Leah as she was springing to mind.
I'll look after Seth and your Mom. I vowed as I thought, bowing my head in respect. For as long as I live, I'll make sure they're safe and cared for.
In Seth's hands, as he approached the grave of his sister, there was a small wooden wolf, with a likeness to Leah, that was holding a small fish in her paws.
The final funeral I was required to make a speech at was Paul's. The bossy, hot-tempered wolf who was just as likely to bite your head off as he was to chase you. Despite that, I had a sort of fondness towards him. I imagine it sounds rather stupid since I feel the exact same way about everybody in the pack.
It probably doesn't make it seem as significant as it truly was. But it meant as much as it sounds. There was a reason we referred to ourselves as brothers and sisters in arms, and it was because we were as close as kin. He was being buried at First Beach, near where the boys went cliff-diving. He was buried where the sand met the dirt, and on top of his grave, we planted a tree.
To commemorate him. The others had something dedicated to them- Leah, the lake, Sam, the giant tree, so we mutually agreed that Paul would have his conifer tree, his plaque in front of it. We went early in the morning, so we didn't have any awkward interactions, and we said our goodbyes. Again, like I had Sam and Leah, I had selected flowers.
I was probably coming across as a botanist, but flowers were the best way I could respect them. So, Paul got some flowers, and this time, I had a red theme. It was my way of poking fun at bis red-hot temper. So my first flower of choice was a common red flower associated with remembrance- a poppy.
Then some red carnations- symbolising our love and appreciation for him. Dahlia's, to symbolise how he died with dignity, and how committed he was to the Pack, even if he didn't often show it the best way. And finally, amaryllis, which are symbolic of success after a struggle. Yes, that was rather on the nose. While I still had more funerals to attend- Shadow's fallen children- I was rather antsy and on edge.
For some reason that I didn't know. I had Emily and Rachel to see, both of which were blatantly struggling after having their soulmate, and something within Emily's scent had changed recently- I just hadn't pinned it down yet. As I finished doing my hair and stuffed my pockets full of tissues, I left, Embry waiting outside to take me- Jake was out helping dig the hole, even though the others had tried to stop him.
That was Jake for you.. when he wanted to do something, he would do it regardless of what others thought.
"Paul… well, you guys are probably sick of my speeches by now, there was a reason I failed drama class. Anyway, back to Paul. Paul was, as I'm sure Rachel will attest to, was hot-headed, but caring in his own way. He wasn't open with his caring- in fact, it was often hidden beneath a snarky comment. But that was something I liked about him- about how he was never afraid to tell someone how he felt. At first, he didn't really like me, because of my association with the Vampires, but I couldn't blame him for that- because in the end, he was right. I respected him for that- Jake had never told me because he knew it would hurt me.. and the others… well, they were too polite to tell me to my face."
I grinned, to show I was just teasing, as a few affronted exclamations were audible over everybody else. I smiled at them all and cleared my throat, before beginning to speak again.
"I know some people didn't like that quality of Paul, but I'm not most people. I found it refreshing, the bluntness, the ability to just tell me how it was straight. Paul certainly didn't blunt his words. Sometimes, I would just confide in him, knowing he'd give me his honest opinion. He said to me, once, that 'if I told you how I wanted things to turn out, it could end up harming you more in the long run. If I tell you how it would likely end up, you get hurt in the beginning, and you may hate me, but you'll be more prepared in the long run'. That was something I could respect, the willingness to do what he thought was right, even if it would hurt someone else. Paul was… like an older brother to me. The one who could be snappy sometimes and snippy, but was still protective over his little sister. I had- have- a deep respect for Paul, and I'll always miss him- yes, even his ferocious temper."
I nodded to them all, before waiting for Jacob to come up and join me, looking snappy in his suit. He bowed his head and began to speak, and I paid avid attention towards him, enthralled in what he was saying. And as he did that, I vowed, as I had for the others,
'I'll look after Rachel for you. It's the least I can do.'
On his grave, the words 'chíkwaꜾ tá·1it hó·kwalas xá·ќal' burned into my memory, words that were added to the list that I would never forget.
(Quileute means flaming heart, burns strong)
Author's Note
Whoo! A full chapter!
With my prelims done, I've had tons of time to finish writing. And, I'm sad to say, next week will be the final chapter of Bloodmoon. It will be an epilogue of sorts- what happens after, that we don't see.
So, if there is anything you want to see, let me know! I guess that's our QOTW!
Now, it's twenty to midnight, so I'd better wind down everything, so I'll see you all next week for a ridiculously long author's note and a little bit of me crying.
See you then!
~Cait
Also, all Quileute translations are approximate and are written using the website quileutelanguage(.com). I could've just written it in English... but I felt like there was something special about writing it in Quileute.