Chapter 9

In the end Jay came around, he relaxed a bit, even though Hailey sensed that there was still a part of him that suffered. But just like Al had suggested, she didn't push him. She tried to show him – without many words – that she was there for him, that he could always talk to her, that she would always help, and he seemed to be aware of it, even though he didn't act on it, didn't ask for her support.

But he was there for her too, whenever she needed him. And that happened sooner than expected.

He was there when her former sergeant, McGrady was shot and Voight blamed her for not being on the scene on time. Hailey was shocked and close to tears when her Sergeant talked to her after McGrady was killed.

His words still haunted her, and she just stood there, unable to move, when Voight and the team had left, and only the crime techs collecting evidence remained.

Why did you let McGrady drive in alone?

Excuse me?

You were supposed to be working with him.

I was working with him. He knew I was coming. We just got off the phone. I told him to wait for me.

Why'd you stop for coffee?

He was supposed to wait for me.

But you were late.

That's not fair. And I wasn't late, I was ten minutes early.

He's dead, Hailey. I don't really care about fair.

Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. She didn't have to look, she knew it was Jay. He didn't speak, and Hailey was grateful for that. She was afraid that if she had to speak, she would finally burst out in tears. Not because of McGrady, but because Voight had blamed her.

Jay's hand rested on her shoulder, comforting her. Hailey turned around to her partner, looked up into his eyes. He knew what was going through her mind, and he was simply there, not speaking, just waiting for whatever Hailey wanted to do. Slowly, Hailey started walking towards the car, Jay walking next to her. He put his arm lightly around her shoulders, and she gladly accepted it. He walked her to the passenger side of her own car, opened the door for her and closed it when she had sat down, then got into the driver's seat and drove to Hailey's place. They didn't speak a word on the way.

"Come inside?" Hailey asked, when Jay parked the car in front of her house.

"Sure."

With a whisky each they sat down on Hailey's couch. Patiently Jay waited for Hailey, didn't say a word, just waited.

"Why did Voight blame me?" Hailey suddenly said.

"Because a cop was murdered," Jay answered. "That always has him on the edge."

"You know, I blame myself enough, even though I couldn't have prevented it."

"I know. It's not about you, Hailey," Jay said. "You did nothing wrong."

She took another sip of her whisky, then leaned against Jay's shoulder. "Thank you, Jay."

Jay didn't answer, only gently caressed her shoulder.

He ended up spending the night on Hailey's couch. They hadn't talked much that evening, but still Hailey felt better with Jay around. And to Jay it was the most normal thing in the world to stay.

In the morning, however, Hailey woke up to soft cries, moans. It took her a while to realize that the sounds came from the living room, from Jay. Back when they had been together, Jay had had nightmares sometimes, so she recognized quickly what was going on. And she still felt so sorry for him. She knew these nightmares were a result of his deployment in Afghanistan; and he often had nightmares when something tormented him, when something triggered the memories. This time, it was probably the shooting of the little girl, that triggered a new wave of nightmares.

Quietly she walked into the living room, approached the couch. It broke her heart to hear him cry. This strong, tough guy, who only hours ago had comforted her, had been her rock, now was so vulnerable.

Hailey got closer, whispered his name. She crouched down next to the couch, by his head, ran her hand through his hair, while still whispering his name, making sure to be out of reach of his hands, so he wouldn't accidentally hit her.

After several minutes the crying stopped, Jay opened his eyes, trying to understand where he was.

"Hailey?" he whispered hoarsely.

"Yes, Jay," she answered softly. "I'm here."

"What's going on?"

"You had a nightmare." She sat down on the arm of the couch, her hand still caressing his hair.

Jay moved himself into a sitting position. "Sorry, Hailey."

She shook her head. "For what?"

"I wanted to be here for you, and now you..."

"Jay, we're friends, partners; remember?" she interrupted him. "We're there for each other, always."

"Yeah," Jay agreed.

"You okay with the case?" he asked a while later.

"I will be, Jay."

The investigation took more turns, suspects were brought in, released, brought in again, until in the end it was clear that McGrady had staged his own murder. He wasn't the model human everyone thought he was, he was what Hailey had known all along – probably a good cop, but not a good person. He had staged his own murder, his own suicide to get out of gambling debts, of being caught stealing a significant amount of money.

But all that was kept under covers – in the end a black drug dealer and killer was framed for the murder.

Hailey confirmed to Voight that she would keep quiet, would go with this official version, but she wasn't fine with it – not by far. It went completely against her moral code to let McGrady get away with what he had done. And Jay knew.

After the funeral, when Hailey and Voight had talked, Jay waited for Hailey by her car, ready to drive her to wherever she wanted to go. She gave him a grateful look.

"Want to go and change?" he asked.

Hailey just nodded.

As they didn't have to go back to work that day, they drove to her place first, and then to Jay's, where they ordered pizza and had a drink.

They had easily slipped back into that part of their former relationship, since they had started working together. Getting together after work, talking about the case, the things that went well and the things that didn't.

"You should try to let it go, Hailey," Jay suggested, immediately lifting his hands in defense, adding. "I know it's not easy."

"It was wrong, Jay," she said. "Do you know what kind of man McGrady was?"

"Not as well as you do," Jay admitted.

"Well, he obstructed my career, he cheated on his wife, he gambled and lost, and then stole money to pay his debts. And we still pretend he was a hero? That's not right."

"I know, Hailey," was all Jay said.

Jay knew her well enough to know she didn't need any advice in that moment, it was enough for her that she could talk to him about her frustration.

She wasn't sure about Voight's way of working, not sure if she could live with these stretches. This was something she needed to figure out on her own. She knew that Jay wasn't always happy with it, and in some cases, he stood up against his boss and voiced his opinion, but with her being new to the unit things were different. She would need to find her way of dealing with things in Intelligence.

They talked about this, until Hailey changed subjects, and she could unwind a bit, just having a few beers with a friend.

It seemed cases seemed to alternately affect Jay or Hailey, never both at the same time. As if someone or something wanted to make sure one could always support the other.

A few days later the unit stumbled across a case that would turn out difficult for Jay. They investigated the abduction of a young boy, and one suspect they identified was a veteran ranger, Luis Vega.

Jay instantly offered to go undercover immediately, as he assumed that he could bond with that man.

When he suggested that, opinions in the team were divided. Antonio was against it, Al was okay with it, Hailey claimed she was "neutral".

Voight decided to go for it. They needed to find the abducted boy, and the former ranger was their best chance. If Jay could bond with him, it would increase their odds.

"Why neutral?" Jay asked Hailey later, while she was helping him with his wires, not sure what to make of her answer.

"Because I could hardly say that I hate the idea, that I think it's too dangerous, that it could trigger your nightmares even more."

Jay stared at her.

"Jay, if I said that, Voight would know that we haven't told him our complete story."

"So why didn't you say that you agree with Antonio?"

"Because it's your decision, Jay," she said calmly. "As much as I will worry for you when you're undercover, I can hardly make that decision, or tell Voight. It's your and Voight's call. And I trust you, Jay. Do the job, I will have your back."

"Thank you," he answered meekly. He had been annoyed when he heard her say "I'm neutral," but now he was a bit ashamed. He should trust her more.

"Do you really think this could trigger nightmares?" he asked Hailey after a few minutes.

"It might," Hailey answered. "You would know better than I."

"You are talking about the other night."

Hailey just looked at him.

"Yeah, you may be right," he admitted.

"Listen, Jay. You do your job, and I'll be there for you. As always. But promise me to let me know when things go wrong. You are not alone in this."

"OK, thank you."

"You better listen, because if you don't, I will kick your ass."

Yes, he totally believed she would do that. He grinned to himself.