It was the year 4000 FC on the planet of Villanearth! The Villains Wiki Discord Inc. had just finished fighting the notorious Lady Satsuki and her army of sockpuppets and trolls!
The members of the Villains Wiki squad were hanging out in their headquarters. Inferno Pendragon was playing a game called "The Mad King's Snare". Sirin of the Void and Elfen Lied Fan were sitting on a couch watching the newest episode of Date A Live. Red Geist-Chevalier was designing his Villains Wiki Rogues Gallery at his desk. Looperreallyreallysucks was watching season 12 of Doctor Who. Valkerone was playing Bioshock while drinking from a White Walker bottle. And last but not least, AustinDR was watching Happy Feet!
Everything was calm and peaceful… or was it? Dun dun duuuuuun!
One night, Magma, the leader of the squad, was sleeping while all the other members were in the middle of the headquarters having a waifu war. When he got up to go to the bathroom, he saw that the bathroom was occupied, so he stood in the hallway and waited. But hold on a second! Who could be using the restroom? All of the other members were in the center of the building and waifu warring. And all of the loli waifus were in the girls bedroom watching anime and singing songs! Magma ran into the room where the other members of the squad were having a waifu war.
"Guys," he said.
"Yo, Magma, show us your waifu," said Red.
"This is kinda serious," said Magma. "We may have an intruder."
"An intruder? Oh boy!" said Looper. Everyone started talking at once.
"Okay, guys? Guys? GUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSS!" Magma screamed.
Everyone stopped talking.
"Listen up, buttheads! Someone was using the restroom just now," Magma said.
Looper burst out laughing. "Okay, now be serious Captain Magma, what's the emergency?"
"Loop, I think he is already being serious," said Sirin.
"Fair enough!" said Looper. "Magma, carry on please."
"So… all of you were here doing your usual stuff," said Magma. "Then who on earth could have been in the bathroom?"
"Maybe the girls," said Valkerone.
"You mean the lolis?" Magma said. "No, it wasn't any of them either. They were in their room watching anime at the time. I think it could have been an intruder in the restroom."
"Wait a minute," Elfen said, unnerved. "No outsider has ever managed to intrude into our headquarters before. The only people who came even remotely close were Lady Satsuki, Juan Carlos Cortez, and Moleman, but none of them even reached the front door."
There was a pause.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Inferno screamed. "THIS CAN'T BE! THOSE SONS OF- AGH! HOW COULD THEY! HOW COULD THOSE KIDS INTRUDE INTO HERE LIKE THIS! I WANNA BURN THEM ALL!"
"Inferno, calm down," said Sirin.
"BUT- BUT- BUT INVASION! STUPID KIDS! UNDER ATTACK! FLAH!" Inferno continued screaming. He ran off into his room.
"At least he took it well," said Red.
"He'll cool down anyway," said Sirin.
"So what are going to do about the intruder?" Austin asked.
"We need to first figure out who it could be," said Magma.
"Do you think it could be a Lady Satsuki sockpuppet who survived the war that we recently won and is out for revenge?" said Looper.
"Know what? I'll go check to see if the potential intruder is still there," said Red. He ran off, and he returned a couple of minutes later. "Whoever was in the bathroom left," he said.
"Well, we'll just have to wait until tomorrow to see if they return," said Magma.
Later that night, when everyone was in bed already, a blast woke all of them up. Elfen rubbed his eyes, and he got up and stepped into the hallway. He saw Magma running out of the hallway.
"What the hell is going on…" Elfen mumbled.
"The building has been bombed!" Magma yelled in the distance.
"Holy shit!" Elfen exclaimed. He followed Magma's voice into the center of the building. Everyone else aside from Looper was already there.
"Someone blew off half of our headquarters!" Magma exclaimed.
Looper walked into the room, still yawning and wearing his pajamas.
"Hey guys, how's it hanging?" Looper asked awkwardly.
"Loop, someone bombed the building!" Red said.
"What? Then why aren't we dead?" Looper asked, confused.
"Because the bomb only destroyed the other side," answered Red.
"Oh, then I don't give a shit," said Looper. "I don't really like the other side. Goodnight, hobos. Next time the building gets bombed, wake me up so I can witness the awesome view."
"Hey Looper! Wanna play truth or dare?" asked Red.
"Sure! Let's start!" said Looper.
"I dare you to be more mature and serious," said Red.
"Okay, okay, guys?" said Magma. "I have even worse news. The lolis are gone."
Elfen passed out.
"The whats are gone?" Sirin asked with an angry tone.
"Someone broke into the girls bedroom and kidnapped the lolis," said Magma.
"Well, how many?" Sirin asked with his voice dripping with fury.
"All of them are gone," Magma answered.
Sirin started to spit fire.
"NOOOOO! THIS SIMPLY CANNOT BE! WE NEED TO KILL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS!"
He punched the wall and nearly dented it.
"THEY DARE TO KIDNAP OUR LOLI WAIFUS!" he screamed. "I KILL THEM! I KIDNAP THEM AND THEN I KILL THEM!"
"Sirin, calm down," said Looper. "It's not that big of a deal. Lolis are boring anyway."
"What did you just say?" Red said confrontationally. "Looper, repeat what you just said."
"I'm joking, boi!" Looper exclaimed.
"Guys, I know you have a lot of energy and all, but can we actually get serious here?" Magma demanded. "We are under attack. Someone first sneaked into our headquarters earlier, and then our building was BOMBED, and now, all of our lolis are gone. This is-"
Suddenly, a voice came from the intercoms, saying, "Ha ha ha! We got your girls! Do you miss them already? Do you want them back? Boo hoo. Cue sad face. You can start looking for them right now, but you'll never catch us! I am the future! Life is pain! Pain is everything! Muhahahaha!"
"Wait, 'Life is pain'? 'I am the future'? Why does that sound so familiar?" Valkerone wondered aloud.
"Oh my goodness," Sirin gasped. "It's Peter Stegman."
"He said 'we' just so you know," said Inferno. "He definitely isn't the only one."
All of the members of the Villains Wiki squad exchanged glances before Red said, "And Alan Yates."
"This is unbelievable," said Magma. "A long-forgotten enemy has entered our universe. Ladies and gentlemen. We are officially under attack by the Did Nothing Wrong squad."
Everyone started to panic. Sirin covered his mouth and shook his head nearly at lightspeed, Inferno screamed incoherently, Red and Elfen were both bawling, and Looper was lying on the ground fast asleep.
"WHAT SHALL WE DO?!" Inferno screamed.
"Wait a minute, I just remembered!" Magma said over a microphone. "I have a device that can pick up DNA and track the location of the being that the DNA belongs to! Maybe I can scan the bathroom for any DNA that belongs to none of us, and we'll figure things out from there."
"AS LONG AS IT WILL WORK, THEN I'M FINE WITH THAT IDEA!" screamed Sirin.
"YES, GO FOR IT!" Red and Elfen screamed.
"Guys, can you keep it down? I'm trying to sleep," said Looper.
"If it works, then I suppose you can try that," said Valkerone.
"Yeah, second that," said Austin.
Magma pulled out a pen and left the room. A few minutes later, he returned.
"I got it," he said. "Now let's prepare for this trip."
"Oh boy, I-" Looper started to say before Red slapped a duct tape onto his mouth.
Sirin grabbed a void pistol, Elfen grabbed a lightning shooting device, Red grabbed a vortex opener, Inferno grabbed bags of wildfire, Valkerone grabbed a Valyrian steel dagger, Looper grabbed a laser screwdriver, and Austin grabbed a fire pen.
"What about you?" Red asked Magma.
"I don't need to bring any weapons. I can summon banhammers during emergencies," Magma answered.
"Alright then."
The squad headed out of the building after all of them grabbed walkie talkies. Once they were outside, Sirin, Elfen, and Red said in unison, "Let's reclaim our loli waifus!" while Looper tried to say something, but doing that wasn't particularly easy with a duct tape covering his mouth.
"So what direction did they go?" Red asked Magma.
"They went… that way," said Magma as he pointed to his right. The squad trekked through that direction.
"How long will the trip be? My foot is tired, and I want to go to sleep," said Looper.
"Loop, how did you take that duct tape off?" Red said, annoyed. "The next time you say anything stupid, I will use this…" - he pointed at his vortex opener - "to banish you into the most hellish dimension I can access. Understood, comrade?"
"YES SIR!" Looper screamed.
"Good! Now proceed!" said Red.
The squad walked and walked and walked. Would they track down the intruder? Or would the journey end up like some kind of goose chase? Spoilers: the second possibility is what happened. Psych! Haha! Anyways…
During the journey, Elfen suddenly started crying! "I miss my lolis!" he said. "I miss my lolis!"
"I miss them too!" said Sirin. "Which is why we must find them! We must kill those Did Nothing Wrongs! We must kill every one of them in order to reclaim… our waifus."
"Yes, yes, yes," said Elfen. "We fight! We stand for our lolis!"
The squad reached a building that resembled an airport. Suddenly, a big, fat, and bald man walked into sight. "Goosh goosh!" he said. "Goosh goosh!"
"Oh shit," said Looper. "Is that Buppa?"
"Yes," Red nervously whispered.
"Okay, uh, I need to go take a piss," said Looper. "See you guys later." He ran off.
"Goosh goosh! Goosh goosh! GOOSH GOOSH! GOOSH GOOSH!"' Buppa kept yelling.
"Guys," said Magma. "Our first foe. Get your weapons ready."
The members of the squad pulled out their weapons.
"On your marks," Magma said. "Get set. Go!"
The squad charged towards Buppa.
"BURN THEM ALL! BURN THEM ALL TO THE GROUND!" Inferno screamed.
"No wait!" Magma said to Inferno. "My location tracker says that the intruder who was in our bathroom took off at this airport! If you use your wildfires on Buppa, then the entire airport may as well burn down! Which will prevent any chances of us being able to find them! I'm sorry, but you'll have to sit out on this fight!"
"Whatever, I just hope I'll be the one to defeat our next foe," said Inferno as he sat down on a table nearby.
"Hey doofus!" Red exclaimed. "Over here!"
Buppa lunged towards Red. But before he could lay a hand on him… he was hit by lightning!
"Haha sucker," Elfen said as he put away his lightning shooting device.
"Congrats, Elf," said Red. "You have killed our first enemy. Now shall we proceed?"
"No wait," said Magma. "We first need to wait for his body to turn into ashes and fly away. That's a sign that he's truly dead. Because see, if a being from another dimension is killed here, then they will automatically be transferred back to their home universe, and the portal leading to that universe will seal."
The squad waited for a few seconds. And sure enough, Buppa's body turned into ashes, and the ashes floated away into the sky!
"Wow, that was cool!" Looper exclaimed as he came out of nowhere. "Good riddance, Buppa!" He sarcastically blew a kiss at the sky.
"Now shall we proceed?" asked Red.
"Sure, let's go," said Magma.
The squad entered the airport-like building, which was really just a giant garage. And in the garage sat an airplane.
"YEAH LET'S GOOOOOO!" Looper screamed.
"Looper, shush," said Inferno. "There may be more Did Nothing Wrongs nearby who will hear us and come for us if you keep screaming like that!"
"Just excited is all," said Looper.
"Who's gonna fly this?" asked Sirin.
"Me, of course," said Magma. "Are you guys ready to board?"
"Yes," everyone said.
They boarded the plane, and Magma sat down on the pilot seat at the front of the plane.
"Are you ready everyone?" Magma said over the intercom.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!" everyone screamed.
The plane took off.
"Wooooooo!" Red said.
"Now can I start acting-" Looper started.
"NO!" everyone exclaimed.
"Okay! Okay!" Looper exclaimed. "Goodness gracious, those people…"
Around three hours later, Magma said over the intercom, "Guys? Do any of you see a helicopter following us?"
"I don't," Red said into his walkie talkie. "Is there a logo on the helicopter or anything?"
"It says something like 'This is the property of DNW' I think," said Magma.
"Wait, 'DNW'?" Red said nervously. "Could that stand for-"
Suddenly, the helicopter started shooting at the plane!
"IT'S ANOTHER DID NOTHING WRONG!" Sirin screamed. He opened up a window and started firing back at the helicopter with his void pistol. But the helicopter was too strong! It took almost a hundred blasts to even dent it! The helicopter caught up with the plane, and the side window opened.
"Here we are at the top of this planet in Villanearth history! Things like this happen all the time up here! It's survival of the fittest! It's the daily violence… OF THE STRONG OVERCOMING THE WEAK!" the pilot yelled.
"OH SHIT! IT'S YATES!" Red screamed.
"HOW YA DOIN'?!" Yates cackled. "LET ME SEE! HOW SHOULD I KILL YOU?!"
Austin started shooting at the helicopter with his fire pen. "Damn it! Burn up! BURN UP!" he angrily yelled.
Austin and Sirin fired at the helicopter with their respective weapons at the same time while Red, Elfen, Inferno, and Valkerone tried to find any possible weak spots on the helicopter. Magma sat in his seat trying to remember the summon code for the mighty banhammer while Looper sat in his seat peacefully listening to music on his headphones.
"LOOPER! TAKE THOSE DAMN HEADPHONES OFF AND HELP US OUT, WILL YA?" Valkerone yelled.
"Oh baby baby baby…" Looper sang along.
"LOOP- ugh, for GOODNESS SAKE!" Valkerone yanked Looper's headphones off. "Hey Looper! Looper! Earth to Looper!" Valkerone said. "We are UNDER ATTACK! DID YOU KNOW THAT?!"
"What? We are?"
"YES!"
"Oh. Then what should I do? Should I try to scare him off or-"
"OH YES, CUZ HE'S TOTALLY GONNA GET SCARED BY YOU OF ALL PEOPLE!"
"Come on Valkerone! You is such a mean boi!"
"JUST- SCAN THE DAMN HELICOPTER FOR A WEAK SPOT! THAT'S AN ORDER!"
"Okay! On it!"
Looper pointed his laser screwdriver at Yates's helicopter and started scanning.
"Seems like the back of the helicopter is the most fragile," said Looper.
"Did you hear that, guys?" Valkerone called out to Austin and Sirin. "He said that the back of the helicopter is the weak spot!"
"Got it!" said Sirin. "Alright Austin, on the count of three. One! Two! THREE!"
Sirin and Austin simultaneously fired at Yates's helicopter. The helicopter started to malfunction.
"I'LL BE BACK!" Yates screamed. He flew away while cackling.
"He's not dead," said Sirin. "He'll come back for us later."
"Later," said Austin. "We'll be prepared by then."
"Can I go back to sleep?" Looper asked.
"No."
The plane landed on a field, and the squad hopped out of the plane.
"Which way did the intruder go?" Austin asked.
Magma glanced at his location tracker and pointed to his right. There was a village far away.
"How far away is that?" Red asked.
"I think it's three miles away," said Magma.
"Three miles away?" Looper complained. "My poor feet will never make it there."
"We're walking there whether you like it or not," said Magma.
Looper pouted. "Fine!"
The squad walked and walked and walked. Looper kept complaining all the way until Red punched him out, picked him up, and started carrying him.
After a long arduous trip, the squad made it into the village.
"This village happens to be called… Orphanville," said Magma.
"Orphanville. Huh. I wonder what that could mean," said Sirin.
"Anyways, according to my device, we should just keep walking forward…"
The squad did just that. They approached a building.
"Should we go in?" Elfen asked.
"I guess so, since that's the only shortcut," said Magma.
The squad entered the building.
"This feels creepy," said Red as he put Looper down. Looper woke up.
"Is this some kind of orphanage or something?" he asked.
"Let's find out, shall we?" Magma said.
Suddenly, a voice said, "Come in."
"That came from that room," said Magma, referring to a room on his left. The squad went into the room. A young girl was sitting on a tiny little chair, painting.
"Could that be one of the lolis?" said Looper.
"No, she doesn't look like one of them," said Sirin.
The girl turned around.
"Hello. My name is Esther. What's yours?" she said politely.
"Awwwwwwww, she's so cute!" Elfen said. "Say, we should adopt her as one of our lolis!"
"Wait, what the fuck?" Magma blurted out. He was staring at one of Esther's paintings, which happened to show a masked killer chopping a guy into pieces.
"Oh, this painting is my special one," said Esther. "It is about a serial killer who is really sad. It makes me cry when I think about him. I feel sorry for him."
"She's so adorable…!" Red exclaimed.
"Uh… guys?" Looper said nervously. "Do any of you have any idea who she is? Her name is Esther Coleman. This little girl murdered five families."
"Loop, is this another one of your jokes?" Inferno asked suspiciously.
"No, this is not," said Looper. "In fact, Esther isn't even her real name. She was born Leena Kramer."
"I just want friends. I save other children. I never did anything wrong," Esther said calmly.
"Okay, it's confirmed," said Red. Before he could pull out his weapon, Esther jumped onto him, pulled out her knife, and tried to stab him! "WHAT THE- WHAT THE-" he gasped.
Valkerone pulled out his Valyrian steel dagger and stabbed Esther's shoulder. But all this did was make Esther scream in fury and attack Valkerone instead!
"SOMEBODY KILL THIS PSYCHOTIC LITTLE CUTIE PIE!" Red screamed.
Valkerone and Esther fought and fought and fought. Esther swung her knife at Valkerone, but he managed to block it with his dagger. He then swung his knife at Esther, but she easily dodged it.
"Oh dear," Looper muttered. "What am I about to do…" He held up his laser screwdriver and aimed it at Esther. "Here goes nothing!"
He fired a laser beam. He missed. He fired another laser beam… and he missed again! "Damn damn damn damn damn!" he yelled in frustration. "Where is the doggone little- there it is!" He pointed a red dot sight at Esther… and he fired another laser beam. It struck her directly in the center of her back, causing her to spasm for a second before collapsing on the ground. She turned into ashes, and the ashes floated out of the room.
"Whoa…" Red uttered, shocked. "Looper of all people killed our second enemy."
"Red, I remember you told me that you're performing in a play," said Looper. "Who are you in the play?"
"I'm Stupid And Unfunny ," said Red.
"No, I meant in the play," Looper responded.
"YOU LITTLE-"
Red charged at Looper, but Sirin held him back.
"Red, calm yourself," said Sirin. "You can attack Looper later. For now, we gotta get moving."
The squad exited the building through the backdoor.
"I wonder if Herrscher of the Void also entered our universe," Sirin wondered quietly.
"Why? Do you wanna bang her?" Elfen snarked.
"Uh… good question," Sirin said hesitantly.
"Sirin and Herrscher sitting on a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Sirin-" Looper started.
"Loop, do you want to get banned once we get access to the banhammer?" Red threatened.
"You can't ban other members in the Villains Wiki Discord Inc. so get wrecked," said Looper.
"Well, I've banned another member before," said Red. "All I have to do is make all the admins transfer energy into the banhammer, and it will become powerful enough to ban one member. Permanently."
"Whatever! Okay!" Looper said extremely childishly.
The squad spent the rest of the day walking the direction that Magma's location device thingamajig suggested. The path consisted of nothing but fields and fields and fields and fields and fields and fields and FIELDS! Finally, the squad reached a small inn. They opened the door, walked inside… and Red, Elfen, Looper, and Austin all collapsed onto the floor while Inferno, Valkerone, Sirin, and Magma struggled to keep their balance.
"I fucking told you it was a bad idea to walk that far," Looper mumbled.
An eccentric looking man appeared out of nowhere. "TO BE OR NOT TO BE! THAT IS THE QUESTION!" he yelled. "Art thou in need of a room?"
"Why art thou speaking in Shakespearean language?" Looper asked.
"To be or not to be… THOU MUST ANSWER MY QUESTION!" the man screamed while violently rocking Looper.
"Okay yes! Yes! We need a room! We need a room!" Looper yelled.
"What's even your name?" Austin asked the man.
"I am Hidden But True Main Antagonist," the man answered.
Red picked up a piece of paper. It said: "Hear my soul speak. Of the very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly at your service..."
"What is this for?" he asked.
"That is for my quaint wife Main, Later Secondary Antagonist," said Hidden. "I hope she will read it when she wakes up tomorrow."
"Very cool. Very cool. Er… we spent hours travelling on foot, and we really, really, REALLY need to rest somewhere," said Inferno. "Are there any available rooms here?"
"All are vacant," said Hidden. "Thou shalt choose whatever room thou prefer."
"Okay, thank you, thank you," said Looper. "I kept trying to convince these dipshits not to walk this far, but of course, these buttheads just…"
"SHUT UP!" everyone aside from Hidden yelled while covering their ears.
"Okay…" Magma started. "Wanna find a room now?"
The members of the squad scattered, and each of them picked their own room.
The next morning, Hidden dashed into Magma's room and started hollering, "GOOD MORNING TO YOU-" He stopped. Magma and the rest of the squad already left the inn. "They should have left hereafter," he said quietly.
The squad was once again marching on fields after fields after fields in their desperate mission to reclaim their stolen loli waifus. They went near a town that looked like it came straight from a medieval fantasy film.
"Any idea what this place is called?" Elfen asked.
"I don't know, but this sure feels familiar," said Valkerone.
The squad walked on a sidewalk in the town.
"Hey Looper, we need you to-" Sirin began. He suddenly noticed that Looper was missing. "Er guys? Do you have any idea where Looper went?"
"Try contacting him through your walkie talkie," Magma suggested.
Sirin pulled out his walkie talkie. "Hello? Loop? Where are you?" No answer.
The squad heard screaming. "It came from that way!" Magma called out while pointing to his right.
Looper was tied onto an X-shaped cross in a dark room.
"You must love your cock, right?" a weird looking man who resembled a hobbit taunted.
"NO! PLEASE! DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH ME! YOU CAN CUT OFF MY FACE! YOU CAN CUT OFF MY HANDS! YOU CAN REMOVE MY LEGS! YOU CAN MAKE ME DO YOUR TAXES OR SHAVE YOUR BACKS! JUST PLEASE DON'T CUT OFF THE BALLS! NOT THE BALLS! NOT THE BALLS!" Looper cried.
"I see how much you value it," the man sneered. "Wanna say goodbye to it right now?"
"NOOOO! I LOVE MY COCK! PLEASE! ANYTHING! Just not the cock, please…" Looper whimpered.
"I will spare your cock if you tell me what my name is," said the man.
"OKAY! IT'S RAMSAY! RAMSAY BOLTON!" Looper cried.
"That is correct, but I never told you that I was being truthful when I said that I'll let you keep your little cock," Ramsay mocked. He pulled out a knife and reached for Looper's pants.
"NO! NOOO! NOOOO-"
A knife poked through Ramsay's head. He fell on the ground, and his body disintegrated. Looper looked up. Valkerone was standing there with his Valyrian steel dagger. He untied Looper and pulled him away from the cross.
"Why… thank you… THANK YOU!" Looper screamed. "You are the BEST! Now thanks to YOU, I will have KIDS! YAHOO! WOOOOO! Man, you are just… I can't believe ya. You saved my masculinity. I OWE YOU!"
"Uh, yeah, okay…" Valkerone muttered.
"I'm serious, dude. When I have kids, I'll name them after you. You saved their lives before they were even born. Just… I wanna hug you right now. Can I hug you?"
"Uh about that…"
"I CAN?!"
"Okay, Loop, this is getting… Sirin? Help please?"
"On it," said Sirin. He pulled Looper out of the room.
"I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU VALKERONE!" Looper cried. "YOU ARE THE HERO TO MY UNBORN CHILDREN!"
"Okay then," Valkerone said to himself.
As the squad exited the room, a crossbow bolt nearly hit Inferno. "WHO DID THAT?!" he screamed.
"I did," a blond kid with a crown sneered. "The king can do as he likes. And I'm king. Did you hear me? I'M THE KING!"
"Oh boy, it's Joffrey," said Red.
"YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT TO ME, YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOU THINK-" Inferno roared. He pulled some wildfire out of one of his bags and threw it at Joffrey, setting him on fire.
"I'M TELLING MOTHER!" Joffrey screamed. "I'M TELLING-" He was burned to ashes, and the ashes floated away!
"Huh. That was easy," said Elfen.
"Did anyone else just hear some laughing?" Red asked.
"Everyone be quiet," said Magma. He listened carefully. A voice in the distance was repeatedly saying, "I am the future! I am the future!"
"It's Stegman," he said.
"By all means, we should go after him!" Sirin declared.
"No, we need to take down all the other Did Nothing Wrongs first," said Magma. "Stegman led them in kidnapping our waifus. He will be the hardest to defeat. That is, if Yates isn't on the same rank as him."
"Stegman led the kidnapping of our lolis!" Red protested. "We must kill him! We must break him! We must smash him into smithereens!"
"Red, for Pete's sake, listen to what I said," Magma said, annoyed. "It will be HARD to defeat Stegman since he is leading the Did Nothing Wrong squad. Let's first take down the OTHERS, shall we?"
"Yes sir!"
The Villains Wiki squad walked across a bridge, leaving the town. They saw a cathedral in the distance. The squad heard someone singing in the cathedral. "Santa Maria! You know I am a righteous man! Of my virtues I am justly proud!"
"Could it be yet another Did Nothing Wrong?" Looper wondered aloud.
"'Of my virtues I am justly proud'? Loop, what else could that be?" Valkerone responded incredulously.
The squad ran to the cathedral and bolted up the stairs.
"What are you doing here?" the man who was singing inquired.
"Oh look, it's Judge Claude Frollo," said Looper. "The day just keeps getting better and better."
"So where are our loli waifus?" Sirin asked confrontationally. "You don't tell me, and I BLAST YOU!"
"You are wicked and licentious," Frollo sneered. "He shall smite the wicked and PLUNGE THEM INTO THE-"
"CHARGE!" Magma yelled.
Sirin blasted his void pistol at Frollo, but Frollo used fire to block it! Austin fired at Frollo with his… fire pen while Inferno threw wildfire at Frollo, but they did not phase Frollo, for he was immune to fire! Elfen shot lightning at Frollo. It caught him off guard for a second, but he was quickly able to regain his composure! Frollo summoned more fire. "GO SMITE THEM ALL! SMITE THE WICKED ONES! THEY ARE WEAK AND LICENTIOUS!" Looper used his laser screwdriver to direct the fire somewhere else. Frollo summoned another ball of fire. Valkerone blocked the fire with his Valyrian steel dagger, causing it to rebound on Frollo!
"YOU DARE!" Frollo yelled.
"Do I need to summon the banhammer?" Magma called out.
"I think we burned him!" Red said victoriously.
"Not yet!" Frollo cackled.
"Welp Frollo, we tried to do this nicely, but-" Red activated his vortex opener. A portal flew near Frollo. "Good riddance!" Frollo screamed in horror as the portal consumed him before sealing!
"How many more do we have to take down?" Looper groaned. "How many more? How many more? How many more? How many more? How many-"
"Can we just ditch him?" Red asked Magma.
"No, no matter how much that boy gets on our nerves, he is needed on this journey."
"Fine."
"The next location that we'll be passing by on our journey… is Animeville," said Magma.
"YES! FINALLY! AFTER DEFEATING ALL THOSE BORING CARTOON AND LIVE ACTION VILLAINS - well, save for Buppa - WE FINALLY GET TO GO ENCOUNTER SOME ANIME DUDES!" Sirin, Elfen, and Red cheered in unison.
"Calm down," said Magma.
"CALM DOWN!? YOU WANT US TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN, MAGMA!? WE FINALLY SEE ANIMES NOW! REAL ANIME CHARACTERS! THAT IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!" Sirin screamed at the top of his lungs.
"No, seriously, CALM DOWN," Magma ordered. "If we let our guards down, then we'll probably be getting our asses fried by the time we go anywhere near our lolis!"
"Yeah. The next person who speaks a word SHALL BE BURNED!" Inferno hollered.
"You are going to calm down too, or we're putting an end to our trip," Magma warned.
"Is there McDonald's anywhere? Because I wanna fry your asses. Haha! Get it?!" Looper burst out laughing. Red struck him on the head.
BAM! There was an explosion! The cathedral came tumbling down.
"Ow! Who did that?" Looper said annoyed.
"The building just exploded," Red said.
"Uh, Red? Your face is on fire," said Elfen.
"Dang it," said Red. "Do you guys have water anywhere?"
"What do you need water for?" Sirin asked.
"Oh, my face is burning," Red replied.
"Ah, I see," Sirin said. He grabbed a bucket that appeared out of nowhere and splashed it onto Red's face.
"By the way Sirin, you have a knife in your chest."
Sirin looked down at his chest, and sure enough, a knife was plunged in there. Sirin chuckled. "Oh haha! Here, let me pull it out." He pulled out the knife. "I think this belongs to you," he said to Valkerone as he handed him the knife. "Try to be more careful next time."
"I will," Valkerone replied.
"So let's address the elephant in the room. Who bombed this cathedral just now?" Magma asked.
"We should call it the jungle jollies!" Yates cackled as he ran into the cathedral… or what was left of it.
"Yates?! Why did you… why did you bomb us just now?! That wasn't very nice!" Looper complained.
"It really is called survival of the fittest!" Yates exclaimed. "It's the massacre of the Villains Wiki squad by the Goodfellas! NOW I SHALL-"
Valkerone slit Yates's throat with his dagger.
"What the FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!" Yates angrily yelled. "Do you want me to-"
Austin blasted fire at Yates, causing Yates's entire body to burn.
"The next time you do that, I'm gonna beat you up," said Yates. "Do you understand? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
Inferno threw some wildfire into the air and snapped his fingers, causing them to explode. "RUN!" he screamed. The squad ran away from the ruins of the cathedral while Yates was engulfed in flames once again. "I'LL COME BACK FOR YOU!" he yelled. He felt very annoyed.
"So Animeville now?"
"Right."
The squad headed for Animeville. It wasn't very far away, and the squad arrived there less than ten minutes later.
There were waifus, lolis, and Spirits everywhere! Sirin, Red, and Elfen screamed in excitement while Looper looked very confused! A sexy chick with red hair approached Elfen.
"Holy cabooses!" Elfen exclaimed.
"Didn't expect to see me here?" the girl said coquettishly.
Sirin tried to shoot the girl with his void pistol, but the girl was wearing armor that was void pistol-proof.
"WHAT did you do that for?" Elfen snapped at Sirin.
"Don't you recognize her? She's Malty!" said Sirin.
Malty started to throw electric bolts at the squad! Red was about to click on an emergency button on his vortex opener that fired hot boiling water that could melt steel, but a red guy (no pun intended :P) fired a steam rifle at him from behind! It barely grazed his shoulders. Red turned around. IT WAS EVOLT!
"Muhahahaha! I'M THE GAME MAKER!" Evolt cackled. Red and Evolt started fighting! "I SHALL WIN FOR I DERIVE THE BEST STRATEGY BY CONSIDERING EVERY POSSIBILITY!"
"Maybe if you didn't gloat about that, you could have actually utilized that and beat me. Also, you're not even an anime character," said Red.
"ELFEN! SHOOT LIGHTNING AT HER!" Sirin yelled. "SHE'S YOUR WAIFU, SO YOU HAVE THE HIGHEST CHANCES OF BEATING HER!"
"BUT SHE'S SO… HOT!" Elfen yelled back.
"JUST DO IT! DO IT OR WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, AND WE SHALL NEVER! EVER! GET OUR LOLIS BACK!"
"No… Malty… I'm sorry..." Elfen muttered. He fired a bolt of lightning at Malty, and she exploded! Her ashes flew up into the sky.
Meanwhile, Evolt was about to fire his steam rifle at Red's face when Red tripped him and flushed boiling water all over him! Evolt screamed in agony! He started choking, and then he stopped moving. He was dead! His body became ashes, and the ashes vanished.
"Okay, now we can-" Looper started. Before he had a chance to say another word, a hot live action girl appeared before his eyes! "Oooo! Guys! Can we invite this gal to join our squad?"
"What girl?" Red asked, confused.
"She's standing right in front of me!" Looper yelped.
"Oh dear, could this be what I think this is?" Sirin said, worried.
"It's Herrscher of the Void! She's causing Loop to hallucinate!" Elfen cried.
"That's right!" Herrscher roared. "Your existence is a mistake! Now I shall fix that mistake!"
Herrscher attacked Sirin! "NO! MY WAIFU IS ATTACKING ME!" Sirin complained. Looper pulled her away from him and tried to electrocute her with his laser screwdriver. The only response she gave was strangling Looper with telekinesis! Inferno threw wildfire on her, but she was fireproof!
"Over here, Herrscher," said Sirin. He pulled out his void pistol… and Herrscher pulled out hers! The fight began! Who will win? Sirin or Herrscher? "I SHALL SHATTER YOUR MEMORIES!" Herrscher shrieked. "NO YOU!" Sirin shrieked back. They fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought and fought! Austin sneaked up behind Herrscher and burned up her void pistol with his fire pen! "I win!" Sirin said triumphantly. He blasted Herrscher's head off, causing the rest of his body to disintegrate. One minute later… "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" Sirin cried. "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
"What you 'done'... gave us higher chances of winning against these motherfucking Did Nothing Wrongs," Magma said in annoyance. "Now can we move on?"
"NO! SCREW MOVING ON!" Sirin wailed. "I KILLED MY WAIFU!"
Five hours later, Sirin finally got over it, and the squad walked to the Animeville border. But something wasn't right! For the guard there was acting very strange!
"I felt so good," the guard kept saying. "The day I lost my little friend. Ah, how pleasant it was the sorrow I felt when I lost my mother. It was so delicious."
"Why Westcott? WHY?!" Sirin cried. "I JUST got over killing Herrscher! Now I have to kill you too! JUST WHY?!"
The guard pulled his hood off, revealing his white hair.
Awkward silence.
"Okay boomer," said Looper. "Now are we going to fight- oh, okay then."
Austin blasted a hole through Westcott's chest with his fire pen.
"You think that defeated me?" Westcott mocked. "Haha! Try again! Try-" He turned into dust and disappeared before he could finish his sentence.
"At least we didn't have to fight him," Sirin uttered.
"Oh boy," said Magma. "My device here says that the intruder is only two minutes away in a small building that happens to be called… the Korova Milk Bar."
"By all means, let's go there," said Valkerone. The squad left Animeville. Two minutes later, they reached the building.
"Don't get your hopes up, because we don't know for sure whether the intruder has our lolis or not," said Magma. "Now let's go in."
The squad went inside the milk bar. A man wearing a black hat and white clothes was sitting on a couch.
"Did you come to visit your humble narrator?" the man sneered.
"Is that… Alex?" Red whispered.
"Yes I am," said the man. "I am your humble narrator."
Looper looked around. There were statues of naked ladies everywhere. He started ogling them.
"Looper, not right now please," Magma whispered. "I mean it!"
"Help!" cried a voice that came from inside the statues.
Beat.
"CHHHAAARRRRRGGGGGEEEEEE!" Red screamed. The squad charged towards Alex and started beating him up! But Alex was not defeated so easily! He picked up a ceramic penis and started wacking the members of the squad with it! Elfen tried to knock the penis out of his hands, but Alex would never give up just like that! He held onto the penis tight and struck the squad members as hard as he could! While he was busy fighting the squad, Magma cracked open one of the statues. All the lolis ran out and screamed in excitement. "Don't get your hopes up yet!" he warned. "There are still Did Nothing Wrongs out there!" He picked up a bag. "Get in here and stay quiet!" The lolis crawled inside the bag.
"Alex, I hate to do this to you, but since you kidnapped our lolis, you shall pay," said Red. He opened up a portal and used it to consume Alex's head! A decapitated Alex fell onto the floor and vanished.
"YIPEE!" all the lolis screamed. "WE LOVE YOU!"
"Teacher! Teacher!" a guy sneered from far away.
"Stegman's still out there!" said Inferno.
The squad sprinted out of the Korova Milk Bar and started chasing Stegman. Inferno tackled him.
"Yeah, beat him up!" Looper chanted. Yates grabbed Looper from behind. "Oh of course, you decided to make me the hostage of all people. Great. Just great," Looper complained.
Sirin, Elfen, and Red charged towards Yates as a group. They held him down and Valkerone stabbed him in the face. Yates burst out laughing and got up before shoving Sirin, Red, Valkerone, and Elfen against a wall.
"WHY ARE YOU SO HARD TO KILL!? JUST DIE!" Sirin screamed. He kicked Yates in the stomach. Inferno set Stegman on fire, but all this did was make Stegman angry and punch Inferno harder than ever before!
"Guys, I think I know how you should take these two shitheads down!" Magma yelled. "Kill them the same way they died in their home universes!"
Sirin contemplated what Magma just said before ordering Red and Elfen to surround Yates! Sirin held up his void pistol, Red held up his vortex opener, and Elfen held up his lighting shooter! "When I say go, we'll start beating him!" Sirin ordered. "Ready! Get set! Go!" Sirin, Red, and Elfen started beating Yates with their weapons! After two minutes of being beaten, Yates finally fell to the ground with blood covering his face, and he disappeared!
"Looper!" said Elfen. "Strangle Stegman with your screwdriver!"
"On it!"
Looper pointed his laser screwdriver at Stegman, and he activated… the classic screwdriver function. Stegman started to choke! "I am the future," he managed to say in between gasps. "I… am… the…" His neck snapped, and he fell to the ground. His body turned into ashes and floated out of sight!
"Well, uh, yay!" Looper said awkwardly. "I guess we saved the day!"
"No, not yet," said Red.
"What? What are you talking about?" Magma asked.
"We know that Alan Yates and Peter Stegman led the Did Nothing Wrong squad in attacking us," said Red. "We know that Alex DeLarge broke into our headquarters and kidnapped our loli waifus. But what for? Did Alex just want to keep them in his statue so he could jerk off to them or something? None of this made any sense. Unless Yates and Stegman weren't the true masterminds."
"Red, you're scaring me," said Looper.
"Loop, please, just listen," said Red. "Who would do something as atrocious as having our loli waifus kidnapped? I mean, maybe Satsuki or someone would want to do something like that, but who would be able to figure out our weakness? It must be someone who used to be part of our squad. Someone who was kicked out and is pissed about it. Someone who is downright thirsty for revenge."
Red, Elfen, and Looper exchanged glances. "Jared," they said in unison.
Jared appeared out of thin air! And he was in his underwear with his anime plushies!
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" he cackled. "MISSED ME?!"
"I knew it was you from the beginning!" said Looper.
"Then why didn't you say that from the start, Sherlock?" Sirin responded.
"Ah, Jared P. Messing," said Red. "You have always been a terrible troll. First you spend all that time creepily staring at our loli waifus, and when I ban you for it, you refuse to learn from your mistakes. And let me guess, you spent decades trying to come up with a revenge plan. And in the end, your little plan was to open all the portals to the home universes of the Did Nothing Wrongs and hire them to go after us and kidnap our waifus!"
"Well done! You're a genius!" Jared replied condescendingly.
"Let's break his head open!" Sirin declared.
"Let's disintegrate him in our disintegrating machine!" said Elfen.
"Haha, so foolish," Jared sneered. "Once I kill you all, I shall brainwash your lolis into becoming my slaves, and they will help me plunge this universe into eternal darkness! And I shall become the PE villain that none of you… will ever be."
"Wait, can I critique all the words that just came out of your mouth?" Looper said. "So to start with, you aren't taken seriously enough to be considered a PE villain. In order to count as PE, you need to… well… just look at all the Did Nothing Wrongs that we defeated. Look at Alan Yates. He's a prime example of what a PE villain should be like. Jared, you need to do stuff that even we, the Villains Wiki squad, will be appalled by. You need to-"
"Loop, shut up," said Inferno.
"That I will."
"What a brat," said Jared. "That little kid-"
"'Little kid'?! You call me a 'little kid'?!" Looper shouted in anger. "THAT'S IT! WE ARE SO FIGHTING YOU!" He blasted laser at Jared, but this did not phase him! Jared simply used telekinesis to throw Looper to the ground. Elfen shot lighting at Jared, but the lighting merely rebounded onto Elfen! The other members of the squad all tried to attack Jared, but he easily fought them off!
"Red," said Magma. "You were the one who banned him all those decades ago. You're the only one who can stand a chance against him!"
Red approached Jared. "Come at me bro!"
"Haha, you think you sound so cool by saying that, but in reality, you're just a BOOMER!" Jared screamed.
"And you just sound like a little girl because of that shriek," Red responded.
"I KILL YOU!"
The fight was long, harsh, and brutal! Let me just say the fight involved punching, blood, kicking, stabbing, burning, explosions, crashing, roasting, and jfewhfgwehfhweiuf WHATEVER!
In the end, Red was about to give up! Almost any energy he had left was gone! But before he could give up… before he could let the malevolent Jared Messing win…
"Everyone, put your hands on this," said Magma. The mighty banhammer was sitting in front of him! The squad transferred energy into the banhammer until it was glowing. The banhammer flew into Red's hands! "Have fun on your vacation," he sneered.
"No… no… NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!" Jared screamed. Red slammed the banhammer into Jared's nuts, causing him to fly up into the sky!
"I'LL GET MY REVENGE! I'LL GET MY REVENGE! NOOO!" Jared continued screaming. He flew into space, never to be seen or heard from again!
All of the lolis jumped out of the bag and started hugging the members of the squad. "You saved us! My heroes!" they squealed.
"Let's go back to our headquarters," said Magma.
"WE SAVED THE DAY! WE SAVED THE DAY! WE SAVED THE DAY!" the entire squad cheered in unison.
The members of the Villains Wiki Discord Inc. returned to their headquarters. Their lolis were safe and sound once again! The squad had a villainous tea party, and they went to bed.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Villains Wiki Discord Inc.! They'll be back next week! "That's right!" says Looper. "Stay tuned-" Red knocks him unconscious and drags him away.
THE END?