Chapter 7

Back at what is recalled Crash Site Valley, the real Reds and Blues are shipped out towards the Northern Gate. The Reds, The Blues, Carolina, Alpha, Washington, and even Tex are riding towards what appears to be some sort of jungle canyon. Everyone are on warthogs and drive their way towards a new boxed canyon. The freelancers are in a gauss warthog; Sarge, Grif, and Simmons are on their regular warthog; Donut is on a ghost; Caboose, Tucker, and Junior are on a troop transport warthog with the toy version of Freckles in the back. Even Grif's sister, Kaikaina (Sister), is traveling along in a mongoose with Lopez driving. As for Alpha, he tries to keep up by flying.

"Are we there yet?" Caboose asked.

"Yes, Caboose." Tucker responds in an annoyed tone. "We are here."

Everyone went through a cave and comes out to a very familiar place. They all get out and take it in.

"Haven't we been here before?" Tucker asks as he slowly looks around him. "This place seems...familiar."

Simmons also gets a very familiar feeling. "Yeah, I think we have been here before."

Caboose then jumps around the place, "THIS IS CHORUS! There's the ship thruster thingy part!" He then appears next to a hanging warthog, "And this is the hanging piggy car!" Then appears over a satellite dish, "This is the radio we called for a party!" Then appears over a at a structure that has sandbags and a rain tarp not completely covering the hole, "And this is Red Base!"

"Dammit!" Tucker swears. "He is right! This is the fucking crash site on Chorus! This is the same goddamn boxed canyon our ship crashed landed!"

Lopez: "Oh si. Aquí es donde el impostor intenta matarte a todos. Pero quiero ese placer para mí."
Translation: "Oh yeah. This is where the imposter try to kill you all. But I want that pleasure for myself."

"I have to agree Lopez." Donut speaks to Lopez. "This is where Lopez dos point O try to kill us and you got a new body."

Lopez then looks at Donut. "¿Estás entendiendo seriamente lo que estoy diciendo ahora?"
Translation: "Are you seriously understanding what I'm saying right now?"

Donut always misinterpret what Lopez is saying yet this time Donut may understand...wait, give it a moment.

"Of course, I always love a good bubble bath."

There it is.

Lopez then looks down. "Sigo olvidando que eres un idiota que realmente no puede hablar Español."
Translation: "I keep forgetting you're an idiot who can't really speak Spanish."

"I don't think that Spanish ice cream is the time right now. Come on, let's explore every hole in this place."

"Wait a minute." Sarge says to the gang. "I think that someone else is here."

And Sarge is right. Someone in red armor suddenly stepped out of one of the caves.

"Greetings!" says the red soldier. "Welcome to our new Temple of Flags."

"Oh great." Grif says as he sounds like a downer. "Now we got these zealots to deal with."

Then Church approach the red zealot. "Oh hey. How's it going?"

The red zealot gasps as he sees Alpha. "Are you..." he says with shock in his tone of voice, "...a flag creator?"

"A what?" Alpha/Church asks in confusion.

"The divine mystical object that can create flags."

Tucker goes, "Oh not this shit again."

Then Epsilon/Church appears next to Tucker, "I like it better with the aliens...and I'M the one being worshipped."

"Go fuck yourself."

Then Sister says to the two, "I got worshipped all the time by stalkers before I beat them all."

"Yeah." Tucker agrees with Sister. Until he realizes, "Wait, what?"

Alpha/Church then tries something. "Hold on, let me see what I can do." Alpha then makes some grunting noises then a flag appeared in front of him.

The red zealot gives off a bigger gasp and screams excitingly, "BY ALL THE FLAGS! YOU REALLY ARE THE FLAG CREATOR!" Then he turned around and shouts, "HEY GUYS! WE HAVE A FLAG CREATOR IN OUR PRESENCE!"

A blue zealot comes out of one of the caves, "You serious?!"

Another red zealot comes out, "We have one?! Here?!"

Then a whole bunch of zealots start to come out of the woodwork and great their so called 'Holy Flag Creator'. They all kneel down and praise Alpha.

Sarge then says, "Why can't a red have the same treatment?"

Simmons then says, "Don't worry, sir. Maybe we can find a red deity."

Then Grif interrupts, "No one really gives a shit. Anyway." He looks at some of the zealots, "Is there any spaghetti and meatballs?"

Donut then says to Grif, "Come on, Grif. We still need to unpack, now is not the time to stuff your mouth with balls."

"God dammit, Donut!"

Sister chuckles a little behind Grif's back.

Tucker then says to Donut, "Unpack? We didn't bring a thing!"

Carolina then corrects Tucker, "Our implants, remember?"

"Oh. I forgot." Tucker really doesn't know how to properly use his specimen implant.

Everyone then find a place to set things up, but thanks to Alpha, he can build new bases and construction one near the gate.

Alpha/Church then tries to take a peak over the gate. "Whoa." he says in surprise. What he sees is a lot of sand. A vast desert. "Okay, but what exactly are we supposed to defend ourselves against?"

Then out of nowhere, a giant worm-like creature popped out of the sands. It is red and has horns on it as it tries to bash against the gate. Good news is that the gate is undamaged.

Church screams, "HOLY SHIT!" as the creature makes its way back into the sands.

"HEY CHURCH!" Tucker screams from the bottom of the gate. "WHAT HAPPENED?! WHAT WAS THAT THUMP"

Church went back down and says, "Hey, is it possible for an AI intelligence program to piss its pants in an enclosed robotic orb? Because I'm pretty sure I just did that. Because I just saw a giant worm from Dune."

"Seriously?" Tucker says in disbelief. "Just what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Let's just say there is a reason why we're here."

Over at the 'Blue Base', Tex is busy trying to make her own place but Carolina also wants the same spot as Tex.

"Hey!" Carolina says to Tex. "I called that area!"

Tex turns to face Carolina, "Do you want to fight?"

Both women raise their fist as they are about to go at it until Epsilon interrupts.

"Whoa! Hey!" he says to the two badass freelancers. "This isn't the time to fight right now! We should focus on trying to get out of here rather than fighting each other!" Then he looks at Tex. "Tex! Don't make me go inside you!"

"Bow-chika-bow-wow!"

Everyone looked at Tucker who just appeared out of nowhere.

Tucker looked at everyone and says, "Um...hi?"

Carolina cracks her knuckles as Tex cracks her neck and slams her fists. Tucker gulps as they both give him the beating he deserves.

As for Grif, he is forced to live in a cave inside Red Base.

"Man this sucks!" he says to himself. "Why do I have to be stuck in a cave?" He walks a little further in, "Why can't I just have my own room like with the other bases? There's no toilet, no kitchen for me to raid..." he stops and yells, "AND THERE ISN'T A GOD DAMN COMPUTER FOR ME TO MASTURBATE TO!" Then he takes a deep sigh and calms down. "Well, I hope that there isn't any ba-"

He stops as he heard something. Grif looks towards the direction where he heard some squeaking. Frozen in fear, he looks in the darkness of his cave as he sees a pair of bright yellow eyes staring at him close to the ceiling. Then the creature lunges at him as Grif lets out a high pitch girly scream.

Inside red base, Simmons was doing some work on a terminal with Sarge and says, "Did you hear that?"

Sarge gives a not caring reply, "Grif probably found a bat or something."

Grif then comes out screaming.

Simmons then looks at Grif who is running away. "Grif!" he yells, "Bats are small and have tiny fangs! You're wearing state of the art military-" He gets interrupted as a giant bat comes bursting out. Simmons then screams and runs away screaming, "Ohgodohgodohgod!"

Sarge then immediately springs into action and tries to take it out with his shotgun. But his shotgun has a short range so he couldn't kill it. The bat comes flying out of red base as some of the red zealots manage to shot it down with their battle rifles. Grif is still screaming and running away. The creature comes crashing down back inside red base.

Sarge gets a closer look at the creature, "Just what the hell is this? Some giant bat?"

Simmons stops being a cowards and takes a closer look at the creature. "Hmm..." he says as he continues to examine it. "I can't believe it!" he says with amazement, "This is an Onychonycteris specuncola!"

"An Ony-...an onycho-...what now?"

"Onychonycteris specuncola. Basically a giant bat that went extinct during the Eocene period."

"So it is basically a dinosaur bat."

"No, dinosaurs went extinct during the Cretaceous period. The Eocene came after the dinosaurs went extinct."

"Is it dangerous?"

"Only to insects and it is an omnivore. My guess is that Grif went too close to its territory."

Then they start to hear a loud hissing noise.

Simmons froze in fear just like Grif did while Sarge prepares his shotgun. What came out from the hole in the wall is a large and scaly creature with a strange blue and green frill around its neck. It is what Simmons fear, a Titanoboa! Sarge then springs into action again and starts shooting the venomous creature's head off with a lot of pellets.

"Yep!" Sarge says with confidence, "I'm a badass motherfucking red on this planet!" Then he turns to Simmons, "You alright, Simmons?"

Simmons didn't respond.

"Simmons?"

Simmons passed out onto the ground after a brush encounter with his greatest fear.

"Oh well." Sarge then gets on the radio. "Hey, lightbulb! We need you to spawn in some rock walls or something. We have a bit of a pest control over at red base. I can't control my subordinates if they keep running away from bats and snakes."

Now we cut to Blue Base with Caboose speaking to the toy version of Freckles as he jumps up and down, "We're gonna have lots of fun! We're gonna play fetch, we're gonna have a blast having fun!" He rambles on and on about how fun they are gonna have as Tucker gets knocked out of Blue Base...and Grif is still running and screaming behind them.

As for Donut, he finds out that Doc is there and he already made a corn farm above the canyon.

"Wow!" Donut is amazed as he sees the large amount of corn stalks, "This is am awesome farm you got growing!" Then he looked at Doc, "Yet I think that a flower garden would be could. Don't you think?"

Doc chuckles a little, "Well I thought about it, but I'm not sure what type of flowers I can plant. Since you're here, maybe you can help me out."

"I'm glad to. Buuut..." Donut sound a little hesitant for what he is about to say. "Can you help me with something that might help with morale? I'm thinking of a musical."

"Sounds good!"

Then Grif is seen running and screaming near the edge of the canyon. The two look at Grif as he continues to scream.

Doc then asks Donut, "What's his problem?"

"Don't know, but I feel like I wanna run." Then Donut turns to Doc, "Wanna race?"

"What about your musical number?"

"That can wait. Let's see if you are just as fast as you were at high school track team."

"You're on!"

Meanwhile, Lopez found something he has taken an interest in and starts working. He hums a tune as he gets to work on what looks like a pair of legs as the sound of a socket wrench echoes in the little cave he is in. Then he hears someone screaming. He stops, gets up, and looks at the direction of the screaming. He sees Grif trying to scream but is so exhausted that he passes out on the ground.

Lopez sighs, "Realmente no quiero saber. Cuanto menos sepa, mejor."
Translation: "I really don't want to know. The less I know, the better."

Then he gets back to work on his little robot project, "Es hora de volver al trabajo."
Translation: "Time to get back to work."

He hums as he continues to work.

Over somewhere else, Tucker limps his way while saying "Ow." for every step he takes.

"I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut." he says to himself. "But at least I don't have to pay child support anymore. So, I guess that's a win."

He is right about one thing. Trapped on an alien planet where no one can find you is a great way to avoid paying child support.

"But there is a lack of ladies here so I guess that's a loss. Unless I can call in the female versions of the reds. But it would be super weird." Tucker then notices Sister running by. "Guess today's my lucky day!" Then he runs after her, "Hey Sister, wait up! Ow!"

Night later approach over their new home. Donut has gathered everyone around with Doc's help. There is a stage with large red curtains in front of the audience. Grif, Simmons, and Sarge are in the front row close to the stage.

"Any ideas what is going on?" Grif ask.

"No clue. But things should be interesting." Sarge says.

"If it's Donut, things are gonna get weird." says the worried Simmons.

Doc then appears on stage and clears his throat. "The Red vs Blue players presents, a Franklin Donut one-man musical. Written and directed by Franklin Donut. In association with Light Red Danish Productions. Now I present to you, Donut: The Musical!"

There is only a few clap hands as the curtain opens. From here, Donut starts signing while music is playing:

"Let me blow you...Away!

You won't believe your eyes and ears today

You are in for a surprise

When you look into my eyes

You won't be able to deny my ga-ze!"

Sarge then stands up, "Wait a minute, Donut! You're what!?

"Come on, Sarge! You can't deny my deep, penetrating… eye contact! My gaze! What did you think I said?"

"Don't ask."

"Don't tell. And don't interrupt!"

"Let me blow you… away!

There's nothing that I will not do or say

To entertain a red companion

In this hot and sweaty canyon

Like a stallion I am bursting through the ga- te!"

Simmons then gets up, "A what?!"

"You know! A stallion, a stud! A horse with a big..."

The entire audience screamed, "DON'T SAY IT!"

"-Saddle! Now who wants to mount up!"

Simmons sit back down while saying to himself, "Oh god."

"No more interruptions!" Donut yells.

"Let me start with this inquiry

Which I've recorded in my diary

I've got a secret thing I want to say…

What's worse than a conundrum?

Or a cheerleader threesome? (*Recording*: Bitches!) (The girls look at each other and for some reason, feel a little offended.)

Not taking the time to enjoy life each day!

You see the fun will never cease

As long as we've got elbow grease

There's really nothing to it

When you're using head… light… flu… id!" He stretches the word fluid for a good solid minute.

Grif then stands up, "I keep telling you, for the millionth time, there is NO SUCH THING AS HEADLIGHT FLUID!"

"Depend what you mean by head!"

"I'm just gonna pretend I don't know what you mean."

"I'm gonna pretend you do! Let's move on!"

"I caught the fever for hot fun

And I'm recruiting everyone

You know this army needs a little style

Hold my ankles, stretch my hammies

I hope that you like double whammies

'Cause I'm gonna sing and dance until you smile

Some soldiers only work or nap

While I ride in shotgun's lap

The solution is simple

I'll fill them up with my… po… ten… tial!"

Simmons then stands up again, "For god sakes Donut, enough with the inneuendos!"

"Inneuendos, is that like a window cleaner or something?"

"I give up."

"In that case..."

"Let me blow you… away!

Like a needle I'll get lost inside your hay

Easy if you know how, just like milking a cow

Like we do it on the farm back in I-O-W-A!"

Grif then says, "I'm not saying a thing."

Simmons then says, "Ditto."

"Let me blow you… away!

I'm on my knees just to have a chance today

If you see me winking

It's cause we both are thinking

This light-ish red armor looks so ga- rish."

Simmons then stands up again, "What?! What did you called your armor?"

"Garish! It means totally lacking in good taste."

"Kinds like this song."

Grif then stands up again, "For the billionth time, Donut, your armor is pink!"

"It's lightish-red!"

Sarge then says, "Why won't he just admit it."

Simmons goes, "Yeah, you're not fooling anyone, Donut!"

Tucker then stands up and asks the three, "You guys are talking about Donut's armor or his sexuality? If it is the sexuality part, no homo and I'll leave."

Caboose, who is facing the wrong direction goes, "I didn't get my popcorn. Also I can't see Donut's musical."

Alpha then says, "Turn around, you dumbass."

Caboose then turns around, "Oh yes! Now I can see betterer."

"Oh god."

Donut then goes, "Enough talk! Time for some uninterrupted action!"

Everyone in the audience screamed, "NO...!"

Caboose shouts, "Camera!"

"So let me blow you…

Blow you all…

One by one…

Individually-or in a group

Blow you-

A… way…!"

Donut finally finishes, but when he looks at his audience, they're all gone.

"Where is everybody?" Then he looks at Doc.

"Maybe there's an emergency? But I did enjoy it."

"Why thanks, Doc."

/:Slight data corruption due to the entity known as Pvt. Franklin Donut. Recommend reboot.

Very well. But is the earlier data saved?

/: Affirmative.

Then commence reboot.

/:Commencing...

...

...

Reboot success.

To avoid further incidents, recommend avoiding any and all recordings of Pvt. Franklin Donut's music numbers.

Sure. Progress of Project PHOENIX?

/: Processing...

...

...

...

Project PHOENIX completion: 1.2%

Very well. Continue monitoring until 50%.

/: Affirmative. Continue monitoring.

AN: Hey guys! Yes I know it is early, that is because of work. I will answer any questions you may have in the reviews in the next chapter. See you later!