"Luke. . . we need to talk."
According to the flight monitor, they were 20 minutes out of Mauritius.
Luke removed his ear buds and looked up. Noah had been hooked into a laptop for the better part of an hour, which was why they hadn't been sitting together.
Or at least that was what Luke told himself.
But he had been telling himself a great many things since boarding the private jet. If Noah was being a little distant that morning, Luke assumed he was thinking about what he was about to face back in LA.
Luke was certainly contemplating it..
Noah was a famous man about to reignite that fame. There were going to be obvious consequences for Luke. He would be foolish to discount them.
But when he looked at Noah, everything fell away, leaving only what Luke felt for him. In such a short time, Luke had developed a tremendous sort of tenderness mingled with a longing to have Noah in his life.
Noah dropped into the seat beside Luke, stretching out his long legs in the aisle. Yet there was nothing casual about the expression on his face.
"You look ominous," Luke said lightly.
"Do I?" He looked at Luke, his eyes cool. "I'm going into the lock-down as soon as we're back in LA. That's going to have ramifications involving my personal life."
His personal life?
Luke guessed that meant them. "Oh...," he moistened his lips. " I see."
Did he see? Luke curled the fingers of one hand around the iPod instead of around Noah's hand.
Why, all of a sudden, couldn't he reach out for Noah's hand?
Yesterday he wouldn't even have thought about it. He wouldn't have had to. Whenever Noah was beside him, Luke held his hand.
"I gather it will limit the time we can spend together?" Luke's voice held none of the turmoil suddenly swirling in the pit of his stomach.
"I'll be training intensively and then I hit the media tourt." Noah spoke matter-of-factly. "This hasn't happened at the best time. I wish it could be different. I really do. But it can't."
Luke had never thought about what it would be like to jump from a plane without a parachute. But he'd bet his bottom dollar the landing would feel something like this.
There were so many things he could say.
I don't understand.
Please explain yourself more clearly.
Don't do this...Please don't do this...
But Noah was doing it. Luke looked into his hard eyes and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt Noah would do this to him... to them.
"I don't want you to feel tied to me in any way." Noah was saying.
Luke tried to sit up, but every bone in his body felt broken. Still, he had to get up. He couldn't just sit there, stunned.
"It wouldn't be fair to you," Noah continued.
From so far away, Luke was hearing an echo from the past. It was Damian, trying to explain himself - what he'd done. Luke hadn't understood then. Instead, he just cried until he threw up.
But Luke understood now. He had been swept away by feelings that fed his soul, while Noah had enjoyed some recreational sex and company.
"How kind of you to explain it all to me," Luke said, his voice more throaty than usual. "I suppose there is a reason we didn't have this conversation several days ago?"
Noah was watching Luke stone-faced, an expression that made him appear almost like a stranger. "Things have changed, Luke. Several days ago I didn't know we would need to have this talk."
"I see - and what has changed for you?"
"I didn't realize we'd be going any further than Mauritius."
Luke knew Noah was right. He hadn't thought beyond their time on the island either. He'd just assumed everything would fall into place.
"Luke, I know you've invested some emotions in our time together," he carefully said. "When we flew out of LA, I made some assumptions."
"Oh yes." Luke clutched the iPod wishing it could perform like a weapon. "All the men I was supposed to have fleeced through sex." The words stuck to the roof of his mouth.
"Assumptions about myself," Noah growled.
For the first time, Luke properly looked at him. He didn't look like a man feeding Luke a line. He looked like Noah - tense, brooding, not wanting to hurt Luke,but tearing him apart all the same.
After all, it's not Noah's fault he's not in love with you. You made that little bed all on your own.
But Noah had been there with him. All the way.
"You're an amazing person, Luke, and you deserve a lot better than a man like me."
And just like that it was over.
"Apparently I do," a wooden sounding Luke said, hearing his voice as if it were coming from a long way off. "I really don't know what to say."
Noah looked suddenly unsure, as if they had taken a wrong turn somewhere. He looked for the best way to circumvent the route. "I don't necessarily want to end it, Luke. All I'm saying is there are difficulties involved. I'll be gone for long periods of time and my focus will be on the job."
All the cold inside Luke's chest pushed its way up into his brain. Luke welcomed it.
"I'm saying I wouldn't want you to feel committed to me," Noah concluded.
Luke blinked. His eyes were the only part of his face he could move. "You really are a complete son-of-a-bitch, aren't you?"
Those intense blue eyes flashed up, hard as agate. But his voice was soft as he heavily acknowledged Luke's assessment. "Yeah. I am. I have to be."
What more was there to say?
Luke didn't know how to fight for this. How did you fight for something that had to be given freely? Luke clearly didn't understand Noah. He'd thought he did. He had seen in Noah from the very start such solidity. Noah had seemed impervious to the turmoil in Luke's life, a strong hand Luke could hold as he struggled to right himself.
So Luke had opened up his heart to Noah, and thought he understood the director. But it was clear he knew nothing at all pertaining to Noah Mayer..
Anger and rage and sorrow all rolled through him in an almighty wave. If it crashed now, Luke wondered if the emotions would drag him under.
He had to be strong, indeed stronger than Noah.
"He did this to you," Luke said. "Your father did this to you. Turned you into this..." Luke waved his hand in disgust.
Noah actually flinched as Luke said the words. He stood up, those big shoulders that held up the world suddenly a little heavier, his expression almost remote. "I've got a job to do, Luke; and relationships have never been my strong suit. They just complicate things."
...
Luke actually felt too stunned to fully process what had happened. It was only when they landed on the tarmac and Luke spotted the limo that confusion set in.
What was he supposed to do? Was Noah taking him back to the city? To the house? The house barred to him?
Luke gulped a deep, sustaining breath. He needed to calm down. He needed to stop standing around waiting for Noah to call the shots.
Taxi. He needed a taxi.
Instead, Noah issued a near formal invitation. "The car is for you," he said, pointing to the Lincoln Town Car parked at the curb. "It will take you into town. I'll take the Porsche."
For a moment, Luke considered refusing the offer... But what was the point?
"The car will take you back to my apartment . You can stay there until you get back on your feet."
He's got to be kidding!
As if anticipating Luke's reaction, Noah said, "You need a roof over your head."
"I don't see how that's any of your concern anymore, Mr. Mayer." His voice was croaky, as if exhausted from yelling for a very long time.
"Let me do this for you," he quietly said.
The asshole!
Luke stepped up to him, looked him in the eye. "Why on Earth didn't you just leave me on the doorstep that morning? If all you wanted was a one-night stand you could have left it there. I didn't ask for you to take me to Mauritius. But I damn well deserve better than being dumped 15 minutes after we land back here."
It was good to say it, and to say it with some control, but Luke knew he wasn't just raging at Noah. He was raging at his feckless father, who had rescued him from the turmoil over his mother's accident, only to lie and cheat and steal and abandon Luke by getting himself thrown in was yelling at his mother, who's very voice made him feel guilty; and his grandmother, who wanted to mold him into her.
Luke deserved to be loved and accepted for who he was, not some God-damn puppet..
Noah looked Luke in the eye. "Yeah, you do."
It was that resigned acceptance of Luke's anger and Noah's role in his pain that left Luke with nowhere to go. Noah was behaving as if it was all inevitable. As if he didn't have a choice.
But Noah did have a choice. Surely he could see that, couldn't he?
Luke had fought like a tiger to regain full mobility after his accident. He'd stood by Damian through his trial and the scathing publicity. And he'd struggled like a fish trapped in a net to hold onto the house these past few months.
But Luke couldn't make this man fight for him.
Turning away, Luke whispered, "Noah, do you have any feelings for me at all?"
"Luke, of course I do." His jaw was so rigid it was a wonder he could speak.
Luke took a deep breath.
"Good," he said, forcefully pushing past Noah. "In that case, I don't ever want to see you again."
Luke stepped through the luxury car door held open for him.
"Take him wherever he wants to go," he heard Noah say to the driver.
In the car, Luke blocked the oncoming truckload of pain by opening his cell and regrouping.
He checked his client list for the next week and sent off a few texts. Work, rules and structure. Luke had never needed it so bad as right now. He sent a text to his lawyer, requesting an appointment. Luke had a vague feeling of asserting a little control over his current situation..
Finally, he scrolled through his address book, turning over in his mind which one of his friends he could ask for a bed.
In the end, he sent a text to Maddie, miles away in Chicago.
[Please come. I need you.]
Luke then closed his eyes, struggling with all his might to keep the tears building up inside of him at bay. He would hold them back until he was alone.
Then it hit him like a lightening bolt. For the first time in years, Luke felt in complete control of his actions.
...
Noah was about to toss his keys to the attendant in the hotel's underground parking garage, when he suddenly had a change of heart about going inside. It had only taken a couple of phone calls on the way down to have information regarding the lien on Luke's loan sent through. Thanks to Noah's intervention fueled by his personal wealth, the padlocks would be removed from Luke's house within the hour.
But somehow it wasn't enough.
He reached into his pocket and palmed his cell, dialing the limo. "Where did you drop him off?"
He had this press conference to get to. He had a training schedule set to begin the next day. He needed to let Luke go.
Instead, he dropped back into the Porsche and gunned the engine.
He'd often driven past it, but had never been inside the Los Angeles Equestrian Center. There had never been a reason. He gave Luke's name at the information desk and the wide-eyed girl told him Luke should be in the arena. She asked whether he needed an escort. She was free, apparently.
"I'm sure I can find it," he replied with a slight smile, and followed the directional arrows to the designated ring.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
A better question: Why had Luke come here? Straight here? Who was he meeting? Noah couldn't fathom the waves of jealousy building inside him.
The first thing that hit him was the odor of manure and horse. So far, so expected. He lightly jogged down the steps leading to the stadium stands, scanning as he went. There were horses being worked in the domed arena. He recognized Luke. He was unmistakable, leading a bay gelding over barriers. It was a breathtaking sight. Luke's grace and ability were completely on display.
Noah slowly sank down into one of the bench seats, never taking his eyes off the blonde.
Luke soon drew up alongside another rider; and that was when Noah noticed something else. The young girl on the smaller horse was wearing prostheses in place of her right arm and leg. Luke was showing her how to guide her horse.
Sitting a few rows in front of Noah was a middle-aged woman wearing a LAAC STAFF windbreaker. She looked at the stranger with interest.
"That's Luke Snyder," she said to Noah nodding to the ring. "He runs our therapy program for young disabled people. He's a superb trainer. Are you here to see about enrolling someone in the program? If you're interested, I can set up an appointment. But I have to warn you, Luke's in high demand as a trainer. There's a waiting list to work with him."
Noah gave the woman a polite nod and settled back.
He didn't know what he was feeling.
But, God, Luke was magnificent aboard that horse! He looked like a king in the saddle.
Noah remembered what Luke had told him about his years of rehabilitation. Noah had just assumed Luke had given up riding altogether.
But Noah, of all people, knew that what made someone gifted was that special drive. Why hadn't he realized Luke would take that same drive and find a way to re-channel it?
It was what Noah had done. Why couldn't the same happen for Luke?
The trappings of fame and success for Noah had become the bells and whistles attracting loads of people. But he'd earned it with hard work and focus.
Yet he'd completely discounted that possibility, when he looked at Luke. He'd just seen bells and whistles, a beautiful blonde man. Why?
Feelings shifted like tectonic plates in Noah's chest. Why hadn't he asked more questions? He would have discovered such a deep strength in this beautiful man. Luke wasn't weak. Far from it. He was strong. It made sense that Luke would pick himself up and start all over again. And he'd do the same now with that house of his.
Noah wasn't sure how long he sat and watched. He only knew when he emerged some time later, he wanted to smash something. When he returned to his car, his cell was throwing up a volley of messages.
Damn it... The press conference.
He hit redial. "Blake, I'm on my way."
...
He walked into a conclave of still and video cameras to the relief of his production staff. He sat down behind an large, jumbled bank of microphones; folded his arms and began with an apology delivered in a strong, calmly voice - just like the pro he was.
"Ladies and Gentlemen - sorry to keep you waiting. I'll get right to the point... Today. I am announcing the start of my own production company." Flashbulbs popped and camera shutters sounded as the logo for Mayer Studios appeared on a wide screen monitor behind Noah. He added one more detail to a smattering of applause. "I also plan to resume stunt driving in my films."
A volley of questions came at him from every corner of the assembly. He took a few, then fielded the rest, all the while scrolling through his phone.
He could guarantee it that coverage of the announcement would highlight how Big Time Movie Director Noah Mayer appeared to be so bored at his own press conference he'd seemed more interested in playing with his phone.
At another time, it would have amused him. But right now he couldn't have cared less about pampering the press, the public or even his staff who seemed more than adequately able to handle this without him.
He got up and walked out into the empty carpeted corridor, phone to his ear. "Carey," he said with deceptive casualness to his genius production assistant. ."I've got a few leads that I need chased down." He asked for all the pertinent information about Damian Grimaldi's trial and his creditors.
Blake stepped into the hall." Noah, man, are you in this or not?"
"Yeah," Noah pocketed his cell. He'd done all he could for the moment. "I'm in."
...
Sitting on the little red couch in a twin guest room at the Hotel de Paris, Luke shook his head over the thick pile of paperwork the bank had given him.
"So let me get this straight," said Maddie, pouring herself a cup of coffee. "He's opened up negotiations with the bank for you; covered your outstanding mortgage payments; and to top it off will serve as guarantor for the next six months?"
"It would appear so," Luke nodded.
"Is that even legal?"
"Seems so... if I sign on the dotted line multiple times."
Maddie stopped stirring her coffee. "If... If?"
"I can't accept it, Mads. Not now."
"You're going to accept it, even if I have to tie you up; carry you down to the bank myself; and guide your hand over the damn pen!" Maddie lectured Luke. "He must be feeling a cartload of guilt to be doing this."
"No, it's just Noah - the way he is." Generous. Always so generous with his time and his money... and his lover. He gave up on his work for a year for this Brendan person in Sydney.
Noah deserved to have another chance at love.
Luke found his breathing had become scratchy.
Noah was so like Maddie, who had immediately flown half way across the country; leaving her husband to feign for himself; and taking a leave of absence from her job; all to make coffee and offer a kind shoulder and to listen.
You did those things for the people you loved.
But Noah didn't love him or he wouldn't have let Luke go.
Maddie moved forward and set a mug down in front of Luke. "He's doing a stunt for the press tomorrow. We could go. You could speak to him about this," she suggested as she thumbed through the finance agreement.
Luke vigorously shook his head .
Maddie gave Luke a serious look. "You know what I think, Babe? This man loves you. He's just having a few problems working out how to show it. Or even how to accept it in his life."
"Don't, Maddie. You have no idea how many times I heard my parents and their various lovers talking like this. He's this way because he's a man," Luke leaned to the right and then to the left. " He's this way because you make him like this. In the end, he's this way because it's who he is. It's who he chooses to be. Noah wants to work, he wants to succeed and he puts that above everything." Luke released a huge sob of a breath. "All my life that's how it's been. Mom and Dad putting their relationship ahead of us kids. Damian putting his female conquests ahead of me. Grandmother putting the charity ahead of me. I'm not grieving over this man, who thinks oil and grease, cuts and takes outweigh my love."
"You're in love with him." Maddie sat down beside Luke, while gently patting his knee.
"That's what you get out of my little speech?"
Maddie shook her head and smiled. "Isn't it all that matters in the end?"
...
Is it all that matters?
Luke lay awake, staring out at the night. Holden would say, "Yes, of course. Love is everything." But Holden didn't understand what it was like being the son of Damian Grimadi. Damian had always loved himself first, with just a small corner of his heart reserved for Luke.
Luke knew he deserved so much more. Everyone deserved to be loved wholeheartedly and for themselves. A sob made its way up through his body, leaving him shaken, but still he couldn't cry.
He loved Noah, honestly and truly loved him. But he felt battered. Noah had left him behind, he didn't return Luke's love. Yet here Luke was - so very, very dependent on Noah.
He might have believed that, except for one thing...
The house.
Noah could have gifted the house to Luke - the meaningless gesture of an excessively wealthy man. Payment for services received. But he hadn't. He had chosen instead to take the pressure off Luke with the gift of time.
Time to think. Time to make a decision about what he really wanted to do. It also enabled Luke to envision a time when he could pay Noah back.
Noah knew Luke well enough to know it was the only gift Luke wouldn't throw back in his face.
Luke rolled onto his back as he realized an important fact - Noah hadn't made him dependent. Noah had made him strong again.
In every way.
Luke bolted up in bed.
He flung open the connecting door leading into Maddie's room . The little bedside light flickered on as a groggy Maddie pulled herself up onto her elbows.
"Where is he?" Luke asked as he pulled on a pair of jeans. "Where's this photo opt? How long will it take to drive there?"
"San Diego," She yawned. "A couple of hours from here by car... Why?"
Luke bit his lip. "I'm going to do what I should have done on that damn plane. I'm going to get through to that stubborn head of his and fight for him! I think you're right... I think he loves me!"
Maddie gave Luke a soft smile. "Should I expect to see a story on Entertainment Tonight about you punching out legions of Mayer fans "
It was a gentle reminder not to overreact.
Except what had Noah told Luke? Not to be sorry, never to be sorry.
Luke grinned back. "It's always a possibility..."