A/N: (Dede42 falls off her chair as she laughs.) Oh! This is great! LOL! Onward!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie (1998 Rewrite)
Chapter 3: Boone and Doggle The Mailmen/Disaster Strikes!
*Elsewhere miles away from the village stands a peaceful looking building called Santa's Mailroom. Because yes, even the North Pole needs mailmen to deliver all the mail and stuff. Though at this time of year, the regular mailman would be taking the month off as the mail will mostly consist of letters to Santa from boys and girls all over the world. That's where two of Santa's elves (or rather Santa's clumsy and idiotic elves) come in to take over the regular mailman's job. One is taller than the other one and has light brown hair and a red hat and the other one is smaller but slightly more...um...chubbier than the tall one and has a green hat. They're names are Boone and Doggle. And here they are right now entering this building to collect some mail from the elf behind the counter who bares a striking resemblance to Merlin from The Sword in the Stone.*
That Familiar Looking Elf Behind The Counter: Ah, hello, Boone. Hello, Doggle.
Doggle: Any mail today for S. Claus?
That Familiar Looking Elf Behind The Counter: (chuckles) I imagine there WOULD be considering what time of year is it. Let me just go get the mail and check for you. (Pulls a lever causing three letters to fall from a chute on the ceiling)
Doggle: I got it! I got it! (jumps up and catches two of the letters) Huh. Well, what do ya know? I got 'em both.
Boone: (catches the third letter in his hand) Is this it? Is this really all there is to deliver this year?
That Familiar Looking Elf Behind The Counter: Actually, I think you'll find there's more where these three came from.
Boone and Doggle: There are? (Both look up only to get squashed by a TON of other letters that fall from the chute) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Doggle: (from under the pile of letters) Hey! Who turned out the lights?! I can't see anything!
Boone: (also from under the pile of letters) OW! That was my foot you just stepped on, Doggle!
Doggle: (still under the letter pile) Whoops! Sorry, Boone.
That Familiar Looking Elf Behind The Counter: (folds his arms at the site) Oh, honestly, you two. (Chuckles to himself)
*Soon after that little mishap at the mailroom or sorting office or...um...whatever anyone calls those sorts of places, Boone and Doggle put all the mail into a sack and stuff it into the back of their snowmobile. Then, they set off on their way to Santa's Workshop...in a way only THEY know how to get there because...well...they're idiots.*
Boone: (driving the snowmobile) Ugh! Man, I can't believe we always have to fill in for our regular mailman every December and deliver all of Santa's mail for him!
Doggle: Ah, Boone, it's not so bad. This just gives our normal mailman a chance to spend some time off for Christmas. And besides, at least we both get a good check for doing this job.
Boone: (confused) Wait a minute, Doggle. Since when do elves even get paid?
Doggle: Uhhhhhh...(just shrugs) I dunno.
Boone: Ah well. That doesn't really matter right now. What DOES matter right now though is that if we play our cards right, we'll be up for a big promotion before ya know it!
Doggle: Ya mean we won't be filling in for the mailman every December and pickin' up the mail anymore?
Boone: That's right, Doggle. Besides, whoever heard of two of Santa's best elves delivering mail anyway? Come on. I've seen little green tank engines pull mail better than we do.
Doggle: (confused) Why would a little green tank engine deliver mail to people, Boone? I don't get it.
Boone: Oh, never mind! Anyways, I'm just looking forward to being promoted bigger and better things than jobs like this.
Doggle: (more confused) "Bigger and better things than before"? Um, like what?
Boone: Why, the factory floor, of course! That's where all the action is!
Doggle: (starts getting excited) Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
*Soon, the snowmobile starts crossing a creepy looking bridge that doesn't really look like it gets used a lot.*
Doggle: (starting to get a little creeped out) U-uh oh.
Boone: What?
Doggle: (still a tad creeped out) I-I-I just remembered, Boone, that crossing Stormella's bridge always gives the creeps.
Boone: (shudders at the mention of that ice witch's name) Me too. Maybe we should've take a different route.
(Alright, Thomas the Tank Engine fans. Say it with me now. "Then there was trouble"!)
*And indeed there is. Because suddenly, without warning, as the snowmobile continues crossing over the bridge, it suddenly starts to slip and sway from side to side. I mean...well, it IS a slippery bridge after all. It's bound to happen to ANYBODY.*
Doggle: (briefly looks down below the bridge and gasps when he realises what's happening) Slow down, Boone! You're goin' too fast!
Boone: (begins to panic) I can't help it, Doggle! I'm losing control of the wheel! That's how slippery this bridge is!
Doggle: (confused again) This bridge is slippery? I didn't know bridges could be slippery.
Boone: (still panicking as he continues losing control) WELL, THIS ONE IS!
*Yep. It's the Virtual Safaris all over again as the snowmobile continues slipping out of control until it's finally over the bridge. Does that mean everything's alright now? Welp...apparently not. Even after crossing that bridge, it's STILL out of control and crashes through a nearby garden of statues of this "Stormella" person. And yes, they broke all the statues by driving straight into them. Not on purpose though. And what were they doing the entire time? Screaming. What else? Because it certainly wouldn't feel like one of Timon and Pumbaa's Virtual Safaris without screaming. It's not long though before the snowmobile finally comes to a stop after crashing into a big hill. Unfortunately, this causes all the mail, Boone and Doggle to fly right out of their vehicle and land in...um...another hill.*
Doggle: (his legs are sticking out of the snow) HELP! SOMEBODY HELP US! SOMEBODY TURNED THE LIGHTS OUT AGAIN!
Boone: (also with his legs sticking out the snow) OH, KEEP QUIET! (Manages to free himself only to fall right out of the hill and down to the snowy ground below) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-OOF! Ow! My back! That snow is surprisingly more rock hard to land in than it normally is. Doggle! Doggle, where are you?
Doggle: (still stuck in the snow hill) I'M RIGHT HERE, BOONE! Uhhhhhh...that is...WHEREVER HERE IS! I CAN'T SEE A THING! AND I THINK I MIGHT BE STUCK!
Boone: (just rolls his eyes and groans) Hold on, Doggle. I'll get you out. (Climbs back up the hill and starts pulling Doggle out...but struggles) HNNNNNNNNNNNNGH-GAH! Ya know, it would really help if ya lost a bit of weight, Doggle!
Doggle: (still stuck in you get the point already) HEY! I'm NOT fat! I just happen to be big boned!
Boone: Yeah, whatever. (Continues struggling to pull Doggle out) HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH! (Finally manages to get Doggle free) Gotcha! (Looks down) Uh oh. Not again.
Boone and Doggle: (fall all the way back down to the ground again) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH-OOF!
Boone: OW! There goes my back again!
Doggle: (takes a look at the damaged statues in the garden they just crashed through) Oh no! Just look what we did to Queen Stormella's garden!
Boone: What do ya mean, Doggle? Surely, it can't be that bad...(takes a look at all the broken statues for himself)...ohhhhhhhh...dear. Yeah. It's that bad.
Doggle: Maybe we should leave a note.
Boone: Oh, you numbskull! Those statues took her like...SEVEN CHRISTMASES to build! If we left a note, then she'll know that we're the ones that did it!
Doggle: Good point. In that case, we'd better get a move on before...(realises something is off)...hold on a second. My head is feeling very cold for some reason. (Touches his head and gasps) OH NO! MY HAT! W-w-WHERE'S MY HAT GONE?!
Boone: Oh, never mind that, you idiot! LET'S JUST GET OUTTA HERE! (Begins running for his life)
Doggle: (struggles to keep up) Boone, wait up!
A/N: Ooh, this is going great! See you all later! Bye for now! R&R everyone!