"Where's Mommy now?" asked Holly as Marie closed the story book and began tucking her into bed.
"She's at home."
"She's not in the jail now?"
"No."
"Are you gonna tell me when she goes there?"
"Yes. We'll tell you when that happens. Right now she's just at home because she wasn't feeling very well, and she had to go home and rest."
"If she's sick she needs someone looking after her."
"Well, I did offer to do that. But sometimes when people aren't feeling well, they just need to be by themselves and just be resting in their bed."
"But what if she wants something to eat or some lemonade?"
"She'll call me if she needs anything. I think what she really needs is to go to sleep. Just like you."
"What if she gets sick when she's in the jail?"
"They have a sick bay there. Like at day care. They take the people who are sick to the sick bay and they have a special nurse to look after them there."
"That's good."
"Yeah. Sleep time now, darling." Marie leaned forward and kissed Holly on the forehead, then stood and moved towards the door.
"Aunt Marie?"
Marie turned, one hand on the door frame.
"Can you tex Mommy and tell her I said goodnight and I hope she be better in the morning?"
Marie smiled. "I will. Thank you."
Marie walked to the living room and took out her phone. Holly says goodnight and that she hopes you feel better in the morning. (I said you were sick.)
Marie placed her phone on the arm of the sofa and pressed the "on" button on the TV remote. She scrolled through the channels for a couple of minutes and then her message tone went off.
Tell her I'm sorry.
Marie frowned. Sorry for what?
Everything.
Holly doesn't think anything is your fault, because the vast majority of it isn't.
Marie continued scrolling through the channels until she found a travel documentary with some women doing a traditional dance in purple skirts. Her message tone went again.
You know that's not true.
Are you alright?
I'm sorry.
I know you are. Look, you did some things and I know that. In fact, now I know absolutely all the details of them, and you were scared that once I knew that I would reject you because you think it was worse than it really was. You think you had more control than you really did. You think you had more choice than you really did. I know you think I don't know anything about it, but I do, and I can look at it a lot more objectively then you can. I've analysed the hell out of it, believe me.
The women in purple skirts disappeared and were replaced by a white man on a motorboat. Marie flipped through the channels again until she found an episode of Friends. It was The One With the Blackout. She hadn't seen it for ages, so she put the remote down and tried to relax. It seemed to be working because she laughed at some of the jokes. In the commercial break, she picked up her phone again. No messages.
Are you ok? she texted.
The commercial break ended and Marie was entertained by Ross being attacked by a small ginger cat.
In the next commercial break, Marie checked her phone again. Still nothing. She put her phone back on the arm of the sofa and tapped her foot. "Stop it, Marie," she said to herself. She stood up, went to the kitchen and made herself a chamomile tea. She immediately regretted leaving her phone in the living room, but firmly told herself not to worry about it. Upon returning to the living room, she found that a new Friends episode had started. Chandler's colleague was offering to set him up with a man.
Marie looked at her phone. Nothing there. She took a sip of her tea.
In the next commercial break, she texted again. Skyler? You ok?
She went back to watching the show, but found she couldn't concentrate at all. She had talked to Dave about this. In her last appointment before the trial began, he had advised her to prepare herself for all the things that the trial would dredge up. He said that all of the family were likely to be sad, scared, anxious or depressed about the things that came up. Marie thought those were all the ones that he listed. Skyler definitely seemed to be experiencing all of them. Oh, and angry! Angry was the other one he listed. They had all definitely had that.
Dave had warned her that all of these emotions would both be very difficult for her to feel herself, and also very difficult for her to see her family members suffering. Again. He had said that it might make them feel like it'd only just happened. Wow, things were really bad when it only just happened. Marie was glad they hadn't been mentioning Hank very much, otherwise she would definitely be more upset.
The episode ended and she picked up her phone and dialled. Skyler didn't answer her cell, so she called again on the home line, knowing that on that one at least she could leave a message Skyler would hear.
"Hey, could you pick up or call me or text me because I hate it when you don't respond to my texts. I mean I'm not trying to be controlling or anything, I'm just worried about you. You didn't seem right this afternoon. Skyler? Pick up. You don't have to say much to me, just pick up. You can just say I'm fine and then I'll go away. Well no actually I won't go away if I think you're lying about being fine. I don't know. I guess our lives are pretty crappy at the moment, again, thanks to Walt being a-"
The loud beeping in Marie's ear told her that the message limit had been reached. She put her phone down and looked at the coffee table, where she discovered her undrunk and now luke warm cup of tea. She picked it up and took a few measured sips from it.
She looked at her phone again. She fiddled with it. She dialled Skyler's home line again. A robotic voice told her, "The recipient's mailbox is full."
Marie sighed and drank her tea. She tried to watch Friends again, which had now started another episode. Marie didn't find it funny at all.
Finally her message tone went, and she knocked the remote off the sofa in her eagerness to pick up her phone. She reached to pick up the remote as she opened the message.
I killed him. I'm sorry.
Marie's hand froze an inch above the remote on the floor. Her mouth fell open. What? she texted back. She leaned back on the sofa, the remote staying where it was on the floor. No you didn't, she added quickly. That's why they're not mentioning it in the trial, remember?
Marie flicked her phone around and around on the arm of the sofa as she waited for a reply. The antics on the television became frustrating rather than amusing and she angrily turned it off. She called Skyler's cell. It went to voicemail. Marie cried out in frustration. "Skyler," she said brusquely, "I don't know where that came from but CSI investigated it, ok, and they found the name of the guy who did it - it wasn't you, it wasn't even Walt!" She sighed loudly. "It was horrible, and the way to deal with that is to talk about it, not send cryptic text messages! It's not even related to what's been going on in the court, so I don't know why you're even thinking about it! Please, just… Just forgive yourself, just… Alright, just call me, back, ok?" Marie hung up and rolled her eyes. Her message tone went.
I'm fine. Sorry. Don't worry.
Honey, you can't blame yourself. Hank wouldn't want that.
She tapped her foot on the floor again, thinking hard. She brought up a new message, to Flynn this time. Where are you, honey? I might need your help with something.
Still no reply from Skyler. She dialled her cell again. No answer. She hung up angrily. Then a message came in.
I'm fine, it said.
"No you're not," said Marie and stood up, dialling Flynn. When he answered, she could hear music.
"Hello?" Flynn said loudly.
"Hey honey, where are you? I need your help."
"Hang on, I can't hear you. J-just a moment." The music faded and Marie could hear the sound of Flynn's crutches moving. Then the sound stopped. "Oh, I got a text from you," Flynn said. "S-sorry, I only just saw it."
"That's fine, I only just sent it."
"What do you need help with?"
"Umm. I don't know. I'm probably overreacting. Where are you?"
"At a friend's place. I-I'll help if I can, w-what is it?"
"Oh, I'm just worried about your mom, I'm wondering if I should go over there. It's probably fine, it's not as if it's anything she hasn't said before."
"What did she say?"
"Oh, just her usual self-flagellating crap."
"Sounds like she's n-not ok. I'd offer to go over there but actually I umm, I…ha-had a couple drinks, so I probably sh-shouldn't drive. What if I phoned her?"
"Ok, yeah. See if you have better luck than me."
"Ok, I-I'll let you know. Bye."
"Thanks, honey."
Marie found that she had wandered to the kitchen. She put the phone on the counter and spun it around twice. Then she opened her messages and read through what Skyler had sent her again.
Tell her I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Everything.
Holly doesn't think anything is your fault, because the vast majority of it isn't.
You know that's not true.
Are you alright?
I'm sorry.
…
I killed him. I'm sorry.
What? No you didn't. That's why they're not mentioning it in the trial, remember?
I'm fine. Sorry. Don't worry.
Honey, you can't blame yourself. Hank wouldn't want that.
I'm fine.
Marie had hoped re-reading this would make her feel better, but it had the opposite effect. "Shit," she said.
Her phone rang. It was Flynn.
"Sh-she's not answering," he said. "I sent her a text, but..."
"Yeah. Look I'm really sorry to mess up your night with your friends, but could you look after Holly for me, please? I need to go over there."
"I had th-tr-two beers and a…glass of whiskey."
"Can you take a cab over here? I'll drive you back in the morning." Marie winced. "Sorry."
"Don't be sorry, that's-that's fine. Just w-when you see Mom, don't tell her I was drinking."
"Deal."
"Ok, I-I don't know how long it will take, m-maybe half an hour?"
...
Marie walked up the dark pathway to her sister's apartment and knocked. When there was no answer, she turned Flynn's key in the lock and went inside. "Skyler?" she said softly, turning on the light in the living room. Seeing that her sister was not there, she very gently climbed the stairs to check the bedroom. Hopefully she was just asleep. The door of Skyler's bedroom was open, and Marie tiptoed in and shone the light from her phone on the bed. There was no-one in it. She turned on the bedroom light. Definitely no-one there. "Skyler?" she said, crossing the tiny hallway to Flynn's room. The door was shut, so she knocked and then quickly opened it. No-one in the bed. She turned the light on. No-one in the room. "Skyler?" she said louder, and went back down the stairs, taking her phone out of her pocket and dialling. Skyler's phone rang on the kitchen table. Marie walked towards it. Next to it were two empty bottles of wine. She picked one up and made a face. It was one of the cheapest wines on the market, and she knew that crap did not taste good.
Perhaps Skyler was having a smoke outside. Marie went to the back door and opened it. Nothing there. "Skyler? Where are you?" She stepped into the yard and looked all around it. When she looked back towards the building, she noticed that the bathroom light was on.
"Skyler? Are you in the bathroom?" Marie rushed back inside, as a reply finally came from her sister.
"No!" It was faint, then louder. "Yes!" Marie heard a scrabbling noise, then a faucet turned on. "I'm fine. Don't come in."
"Didn't you hear me? I was calling you. Sky? What's going on? Talk to me."
"I'm in the - the bathroom." Skyler's voice was faint. More scraping and shuffling sounds could be heard.
"You didn't - are you… are you using the bathroom or are you…? I'm coming in." Marie turned the door handle, and found it wasn't even locked. There was the sound of something metallic falling into the bath as Marie practically fell into the room and locked eyes with her sister, who was standing by the bathtub with her pants half pulled up and blood all over her hands and legs.
"Oh my god!" yelped Marie and rushed forward. Skyler finished pulling her pants up, did up the fly and sat heavily on the edge of the bath. Marie saw that behind her in the bottom of the bath was a knife, and blood mixed with water was going down the drain. "Jesus!" she screamed, and grabbed a towel from the towel rack. "No no no no no, please no!" She wrapped Skyler's arms in the towel and gripped them strongly. "Don't do this, no no no no no no no, please don't." She pushed both of Skyler's arms and the towel into her left hand and began desperately trying to extricate her phone from her pocket with her right.
"No I'm not. I'm not," said Skyler. She wrested one arm and then the other out of Marie's hand.
"No, don't! Don't, please!"
"I'm not!"
Marie's phone fell to the floor, and there was a crack as the battery fell out of it and skidded across the lino. "No!" she gasped. "No!"
"Marie, I am not trying to kill myself!" Skyler wiped her hands clean with the towel and held them up. "Look!"
Marie knelt on the floor, one hand holding her empty phone and the other still gripping the edge of the towel. She looked at Skyler's hands, her face white and her eyes wide with terror. This look switched to confusion as she leant forward, grabbed Skyler's arms and looked closely at the wrists. They weren't bleeding. There wasn't a scratch on them. The edge of Marie's phone case dug into Skyler's forearm as she stared at the wrists, then looked up and met Skyler's eyes.
Skyler couldn't say anything, her shallow breaths drawing in and out as her mind screamed.
Marie looked down again, lifted the towel and saw that Skyler's pants were red and wet. Skyler could feel blood dripping down the inside of her knees. "Oh," she said as she began to feel lightheaded.
"What's going on?"
"I'm...gonna fall." Skyler slid her body quickly from the edge of the bath to the toilet, and leaned back. Marie roughly undid Skyler's button and fly and pulled her pants down to the knees. There were thin red marks running across both thighs, with blood trickling out of them. Marie quickly grabbed the towel again and pushed down hard. Skyler leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. Marie looked up, her mouth open. "Sky! Can you hear me?"
"Yeah." Skyler opened her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"What the hell were you doing?"
Skyler closed her eyes again.
"Skyler!"
"It's just a coping mechanism."
"It's a w...what?"
"Coping mechanism," Skyler mumbled again.
"How much blood have you lost?"
"Not much."
"How long was this going on before I got here?"
"Not much. Not long. It's ok, I know where the arteries are, I didn't hit any."
Marie looked at the bath, where the faucet was still spewing out water. All traces of blood in the bathtub were now gone. Except for on the knife.
"So you did this deliberately. And you deliberately avoided the arteries. Is that what you're saying?"
"Yes, I'm not trying to kill myself."
Marie lifted the towel and saw that the bleeding had slowed. She pushed it back down again. "Do you feel faint?"
"Not from that. I don't think."
"I need to get you to the hospital."
"No no no. I don't need a hospital. Just push down on it for a bit more and it'll stop bleeding. I've got some butterfly plasters in the cabinet, and some gauze. It'll be fine."
Marie lifted the towel again, and then she saw it. On both of Skyler's legs there were thin snaking scars, the same length as the cuts, and going in the same direction. "You've done this before," she breathed.
"Once or twice. Only once or twice."
"A coping mechanism."
"Yeah."
"That is not ok."
Skyler took a shaky breath and put her hands on her sister's.
"That is not ok. Do not do that."
"I killed him."
"You didn't. No you didn't."
"I did."
"You wanna argue about this here or on the way to the hospital?"
"Jesse Pinkman came to our house. And he tipped gasoline everywhere and he tried to burn our house down. We weren't there. God knows what would've happened if we were there. What if the kids were there?" Skyler made a strangled gulping noise. "Oh my god."
"It's ok, the kids are fine."
"Where are they?"
"At my house. Both of them. They're fine."
"What if Pinkman…. what if Pinkman goes there?"
"He's not going to, he's long gone by now! Anyway, what would he want with the kids?"
"I don't know."
"I know you're scared of him, but I'm not. I met him and he just didn't come across as a...as a threat, you know? Well I suppose Walt didn't either, but…" Marie lifted the towel again. The bleeding seemed to have stopped. "Alright, hold that there," she said. "Sky? Put your hands there." Skyler obliged. Marie stood up and went to the medicine cabinet.
"He tried to burn down our house. We came home and the whole place stank of gasoline. Walt told some lie about it but I knew that wasn't true, and I asked him later and he told me the truth. About Pinkman. And I asked him if he was going to deal with it."
Marie, rummaging in the medicine cabinet, found the butterfly plasters. "Have you got some disinfectant? A liquid one might be better - a cream might stop the plasters sticking."
Skyler opened her eyes and pointed a shaky hand. "The top."
"Oh, there! Good." She grabbed the bottle and undid the cap. "Ok, lift up the towel. This is gonna hurt, but since you seem to want that it should be fine."
Skyler lifted the towel, and Marie tipped some disinfectant liberally onto a cotton bud and patted it over each of the cuts. Skyler winced and raised a hand to her forehead, tears seeping gradually from the corners of her eyes. Marie threw the towel in the corner and grabbed a clean one from the cupboard under the sink. She patted the liquid away gently, and then began putting butterfly plasters all the way along each of the three cuts. "This is only a temporary measure, by the way," she said. "I'm still taking you to the hospital."
"Walt said something like, 'I'll handle it' or 'I'll deal with it.' And I asked him if that meant he was gonna kill him. And he said no. He said no, he said Pinkman wasn't dangerous and he was just angry at something Walt had done. He said he just wanted to talk to him. But I told him to kill him."
Marie looked up.
"I said, 'We've come this far. What's one more?'"
Marie's hand wavered, holding a butterfly plaster above Skyler's leg.
"I said he's a threat to our family. He's a threat to our children. And I told Walt to kill him."
Marie breathed in, looked down and stuck the plaster. "Did you tell the DEA this?"
"No. I never told anyone. I never told anyone because it's proof that I'm not some victim that Walt told what to do, I'm an evil violent criminal and I….and I…" Skyler began to cry.
Marie continued sticking plasters, steadfastly looking down. "Pinkman's not dead. At least I don't think so."
"I'm a murderer."
"He's not dead, they found his fingerprints at Garden Park. That was like six months later."
"Pinkman's not dead. No."
"This is a pretty serious thing you're telling me here, Skyler. I might have to pass it on, FYI, because I don't conceal felonies - that is not a thing that I do."
"I know. I want you to tell them. I wanna be punished."
"Well he's not dead, so no crime was committed."
"I think what Walt did was he hired those guys, that gang. They were the ones who killed the ten people in jail for him before. They were his hired killers."
"He couldn't just kill Pinkman himself? Walt was violent enough for that."
"No, he didn't wanna kill Pinkman! I told him to! So I guess, I don't know, I guess he needed backup or he thought it was just easier to have someone else do it because he didn't want to do it!"
Marie stuck the last plaster down and looked up. She was beginning to see where this was going. She stood up and went to find the gauze, her movements much jerkier than they had been before.
"Pinkman was working with Hank, but Walt didn't know that. He wouldn't have gone to To'hajiilee if he'd known that. He would've been arrested. He knew he would've been arrested if Hank was there."
Marie gripped the edge of the sink, facing away from Skyler.
"Hank had Pinkman's phone and he buried a fake barrel of money in your backyard and texted the image to Walt from Pinkman's phone. Then Pinkman called him. Walt was talking to Pinkman when he ran out of the car wash. The DEA have the phone call - Hank made a recording of it on his phone. They found his phone in his grave and they found the recording. It's Walt talking to Pinkman - he doesn't know Hank is there."
Marie turned around. "Have you heard that recording?"
"No. They told me about it. They were asking me everything I knew and I didn't tell them I told Walt to kill Pinkman." Skyler raised her eyes slowly until they met Marie's. "So Walt thought Pinkman was taking his money, and he would do anything to defend his money. So he called those guys, those gang members, and he told them to go To'hajiilee."
Marie couldn't look away. She watched the tears gather in her sister's eyes as her voice rose.
"Walt called Jack Welker. He called him. They have the phone record. Not a recording of the call, but they know that it happened, from Walt's phone in To'hajiilee to Welker's phone. He called him in there. He called him there to kill Pinkman because I told him to. But...but Welker didn't kill Pinkman, he-he killed…." Skyler's voice went squeaky and cut off with a gasp. She clamped her blood-stained hands over her mouth.
"Hank," Marie finished.