Marie awoke the next morning feeling like she hadn't slept at all. She looked at her phone. "9:55," said the welcome screen. She frowned, wondering for a moment why that had happened, but she knew exactly why. She hadn't slept well in a while now, but last night she had been crying until 2am, so that would definitely eliminate any chance of a normal wake up time.
There was a message from Flynn. She raised herself up on an elbow and read it. We are having a lazy day watching Shrek. How are you?
Marie didn't reply. She sullenly pulled herself out of bed, went to the bathroom and then padded through to the kitchen in her pyjamas. She stared blankly at the shelves of the pantry until her message tone went again. It was Tim.
.
It was great to see you, Marie. Don't be a stranger. I was thinking about everything you said, and it's pretty clear that you are looking for any factual reason you can find to forgive your sister, because you think she's worth forgiving. You may not find a factual reason, but I don't think you need one. Nobody wanted Hank to die, not even Walt. This might sound harsh, but what honestly happened was that he just got in the way. No-one could have foreseen what happened. It was the fault of some gang assholes and of Walt for doing what he did and putting Hank in the position he put him in. Since they are all dead, the DEA, most of the media and the government are blaming Skyler instead. But it's your choice whether you follow them. It's your choice whether you lay any blame anywhere at all. I understand the desire to know exactly how and why and whose fault it was, but ultimately blame only hurts the blamer, not the blamed.
Marie frowned, snatched a box of cereal off the shelf and poured herself a bowl.
...
Skyler fell asleep near the end of the movie. Her head lolled on Flynn's shoulder, and Holly lay comfortably in her arms.
As the movie finished, Holly started attempting to sing I'm a Believer, but was actually singing, "I'm a beaver," and quite loudly.
"Shhh shhh," said Flynn. "Mom's sleeping."
Holly looked back at her mother and clapped her hand over her mouth. She looked up at Flynn and whispered, "Why is Mommy sleeping?"
"Because she's really tired."
"Why?"
"Because she's been having a hard time, and she-she's not feeling very well."
"Is she ok?"
"Well, we just have to look after her. Sh-she'll be ok. We just need to let her sleep when she needs to, a-and we need to tell her that she's wonderful and that we l-love her and we…want her to be around."
"I do love her a lot. I love Mommy. Mommy is really special." Holly leaned back, pulled Skyler's arm around herself and stuck her thumb in her mouth.
Flynn's message tone went. It was Marie. How's your mom?
At the moment, asleep. She's still not well.
What happened last night?
Last night she was ok actually. Holly convinced us to play board games. It was fun.
Am I making her illness worse? We should talk, shouldn't we?
Not right now. Last night she was much more animated talking about normal things not connected to the trial. She needs to get away from it. We will look after her here.
Marie took an uneasy breath and put down her phone on the counter. Then she abruptly picked it up again. Where is she sleeping? In her room? Because you mustn't leave her alone.
She's on the sofa. No I'm not leaving her alone, I understand that, but I'm quite concerned that both you and Kim keep telling me that.
Just don't leave her alone. She's not well.
Did she hurt herself?
What a fucking mess. I am livid with her and sickeningly worried at the same time. Sickeningly worried.
Don't worry. We'll look after her.
Holly sat up again. "Finn can we watch Shrek 2?"
"Sure. I have that on my hard drive too, I-I'll just have a look for it."
"I'm hungry. Can we have food?"
"How about I order us some pizza?"
"Pizza? Yay!"
"Shhhhh." Flynn picked up his phone.
Skyler came to to the sound of Flynn ordering a family-sized Hawaiian pizza. It had to be Hawaiian because that was Holly's favourite. Skyler couldn't focus on the words, her mind still heavy with sleep, but she found the sound of his voice comforting. She could feel Holly's tiny fingers rubbing her arm and hand, stroking it in circles and gently poking and pulling her fingers. Occasionally she made a child's grunt or gasp. Skyler kept her eyes closed and focused on how good this felt. She knew it wouldn't last, but for now, she felt amazing.
Flynn hung up the phone. "Are they coming?" asked Holly.
"Yeah."
"When will they get here?"
"The lady said m-maybe 20 minutes."
"20 minutes," Holly repeated. "20 minutes." She gripped Skyler's thumb and forefinger in her tiny hands.
"What are you doing to Mom's hand?" asked Flynn.
"I love how her skin feels."
"Well don't wake her up."
"It's ok, I'm touching really gently."
"Ok."
"Finn?"
"Yeah."
"I love you."
Flynn laughed. "I love you too."
"I also really love Mommy."
"So do I."
"I love her all the time."
"Yeah. Well, love isn't something you only do s-sometimes. It's an…all the time thing."
"Yeah. Can we watch the movie now?"
"Sure."
Flynn put on the movie, and Holly pulled Skyler's arm close around herself and hugged it. Skyler kissed her on the head and opened her eyes.
...
Marie served a bowl of pasta for one, set it on the table and remembered how much she hated this. Picking the bowl up, she walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. She turned on the TV, lifted the bowl up so that it was balanced partly on her chest, and began to eat.
As so often happened, the TV was no escape from her tortured mind because Skyler's face was all over it. This time it was a panel show whose members were making various statements of surprise and outrage at how incredibly long the trial had gone on, and attempting to count up how many adjournments there had been.
"I can understand if there are good reasons for adjournment," said a young female panellist who seemed to have particularly strong opinions on the matter, "but a bunch of times they did it because of 'the defendant's health'. What does that even mean?"
"Well she always looks like death warmed up, doesn't she?"
"Yeah but I didn't know the defendant's health was a thing that was required for a trial, I mean if she's sick can't they put her in another room somewhere else?"
"No they have to have the defendant there, they have a legal right to hear the arguments and all the charges being brought against them."
"Another room with audio, then! I just can't believe they're drawing it out this long, it's costing the taxpayer so much money!"
"While no information has been released as to what kind of health problem Mrs White has been suffering, there have been rumours that it is a mental health problem, which gives rise to the question, is she fit to stand trial? If you have an opinion on this, you can text the number on your screen to let us know. On the text line so far, Jared in Arkansas says, 'Hurry up and sentence her, we all know she's guilty.' Matt in Texas says, 'No more pass outs, she is faking it to get the jury's sympathy.' Jillian in New York says, 'The longer the trial the better, it's important to take into account all evidence and this is a complex case, it will take as long as it takes.' Juanita in California says, 'Mrs White is a victim of domestic violence and the trail is retraumatising her, hashtag it's not her fault.' Sharon in North Carolina says, 'Do the crime, do the time, and hurry up about it.' Aaron in New Mexico says, 'Show us all this new evidence and let us decide the punishment. My nephew and countless others died using meth, we need to send a message to the scumbags dealing it that we will catch them and we will grind them into the dust.'
Marie's message tone went. It was Skyler. I want to apologise for Thursday night. That must have been pretty horrible for you to witness. I'm sorry.
Marie winced. Yes it was horrible. She couldn't get the images out of her mind. Thanks. Are you ok?
Today was good. I'm glad for today. How about you?
That's good. I'm ok.
I don't want you to go to court tomorrow. I'm sorry to ask. There's something Kim is going to present that would upset you and I don't want you to hear it.
What is it?
The phone conversation between me and Walt after he took Holly. You were there, you heard my half already. You don't need to hear his. It's not something you can unhear.
When he told you Hank was dead.
Skyler, butting out her first cigarette on the back wall of her apartment, immediately lit another one as she thought about what to say back. She had nothing. The elephant in the room had come and stomped on them again. Skyler could not imagine a time when that would not happen, but she was very grateful for the length of time that had passed before the last time that elephant had crushed her. It had been borrowed time, she knew. Everything was open now.
"John from Texas says, 'Lock her up and throw away the key!' Maria in New York says, 'In response to Aaron from New Mexico, Mrs White isn't one of those scumbags in control of the drugs that continue to hurt so many people. She is a mere pawn in their game, a victim as much as your nephew. Grinding her into the dust will do nothing to stop drugs.' What do you think about that idea, panel members? It is statistically true that it's the smaller players in the drugs industry who are prosecuted far more often than the big fish, simply because they are easier to catch and easier to prosecute - the big fish don't leave nearly so much of a trail behind them. But does that mean that we shouldn't bother prosecuting the small fish? Does it, as Maria says, do nothing to stop drugs?"
"No, cos you have to catch whoever you can, otherwise there will be more and more of them and more and more drugs, and no deterrent for others to join them."
"Yeah."
"But then there are those who would argue that Skyler White was never a drug dealer, and that she did not choose to join anyone, she was merely dragged into it by her husband."
"Yes, well she doesn't fit the standard boxes that we tend to use for this sort of discussion, but I actually agree with Aaron because the thing is that she had the opportunity to turn in and take down a major player, a major kingpin in the drug industry, and she didn't. Not only that but she actually helped him cover up his crimes. Punishing her harshly for that could encourage others in the same situation to speak up rather than hide away."
"I think she did encourage them to do so herself, she's stated several times publicly that she wishes she hadn't done what she did and she wishes she had spoken up."
"Good, well that's a good example she's setting now, and then if we also send her to prison for nine years it can be a good deterrent as well."
"But does that, and this is where the argument gets more complex, does that then serve as a deterrent against people confessing and helping police and committing to face the music like she has done? She had the opportunity to run away with her husband and she didn't."
"She wasn't gonna do that, she has two kids dependent on her."
"Can't do much for them in prison."
"We could argue ifs, buts and maybes until the cows come home; the point is it is still worth prosecuting small players, because there has to be justice done somewhere, wherever we can get it."
"Do you think the federal government should be investing more resources into catching those bigger players?"
"Yes absolutely, but that's easier said than done, and meantime we have a smaller player there and we have to throw the book at her."
"There is a vocal minority group - well, I say vocal but actually they're mostly just sharing posts and raving on social media - one of the texters referenced it earlier, the movement is called '#It'sNotHerFault'. It was started by a feminist Facebook page a few months ago, and claims that Mrs White is a victim and not a criminal. Posts made by the group claim that she had no choice over what she did by virtue of the fact that she was controlled by an emotionally abusive and overpowering husband, and that she is now being blamed for his crimes. The group further maintains that were he still alive, she would not have been the subject of a felony 2 trial or of nearly so much social vilification, because he would've got that instead. The group's petition claims Mrs White is a scapegoat and a victim, and now has over 7,000 signatures."
"What's a petition like that gonna do, though? What are they asking for?"
"Drop all charges."
"Oh, that's ridiculous."
"Do you think the DEA would not have gone after her so hard if they had her husband to prosecute instead?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't still have prosecuted her. She may not have been vilified socially as much though - they could be right there."
"Don from Montana says, 'What a slippery whore, she controlled White and Beneke and blamed them for her crimes, what a slut, prison is too good for her.'"
"Why am I watching this?" grunted Marie and turned the television off angrily. She stood up and began pacing the living room. She looked at her phone. A reply had come in from Skyler and she hadn't realised. She opened it.
Yes. You can't unhear it. I'm sorry. Please stay away tomorrow.
Marie hit the call button, then cancelled it. She didn't want to endanger her sister's health by potentially yelling at her down the phone or hanging up on her. If she did that on the phone she couldn't control what would happen next.
What else is on tomorrow?
The closing addresses.
I wanna hear those.
The hearing opens at 9. The phone call probably won't take very long. Come at 9:30?
No, it wasn't a long phone call. I'll come earlier than that and wait outside.
Thank you.
Did he say it in a really awful way?
Yes.
Dave said I should confront things, not run away from them.
Not like this. It wouldn't help. It'd make it worse.