Marie sat on one of the sofas in the lobby of the courthouse jiggling her feet. She fiddled with the leaves of the fake plant next to the sofa. She checked her phone. She had texted Flynn asking him if he would pick up Holly from day care. She saw the clerk of the court go by heading for the cafe, and saw him returning holding a cup of coffee a few minutes later. She looked at the media swarm on the other side of the windows. They scared her. She looked back.
Finally, Skyler and Kim appeared. Marie stood. Skyler saw her and slowed her pace. Marie walked over to meet her. "Do you wanna get a cup of coffee or something?" she said.
"Sure." Skyler nodded glumly.
"Are you two ok on your own?" said Kim. "I've gotta get to the airport."
"Oh, you're leaving?" said Marie.
"No, my partner's flying in for a mini break. It'll probably be a few days before the jury reach a verdict, so we're gonna enjoy ourselves." She looked at Skyler. "You should do the same. But I will still be available if you need anything, very available - just give me a call."
"Thanks Kim, you've done really well," said Marie.
"Yeah," said Skyler.
"Above and beyond," said Marie. "No matter what happens from here, you have been outstanding and we really appreciate it." Marie gave Kim a hug.
"Thanks, Marie."
"No, thank you."
Kim turned to Skyler, who was looking on awkwardly. "Hang in there, ok?" she said. "It'll get better. I promise you it will." She gave Skyler a tight hug.
"Thank you so much," Skyler whispered.
"No problem. I am just at the other end of the phone."
"Ok."
"See ya." Kim patted Skyler on the shoulder and walked off towards the revolving doors of the courthouse.
Skyler and Marie stood before each other awkwardly, neither making eye contact.
"So, in the interests of avoiding the media, do you wanna go to the cafe here?" said Marie.
"Sure. Yeah."
The women turned and walked slowly towards the cafe. Neither of them said anything to each other until both had ordered. Marie checked her phone. Then Skyler said, "I'll get this."
"With what? You haven't worked in four weeks."
"It just goes on my credit card."
"What are you gonna pay that off with? No, I'll get it."
"Well whether I owe $14,000 or $14,007 doesn't make much difference, so I might as well get it."
"Fourteen THOUSAND dollars?"
Skyler shrugged, holding out the credit card.
"Just wait a second," said Marie to the waitress, then turned back to Skyler. "Have you had anything to eat today?"
"Breakfast." Skyler had forced herself to eat one slice of toast that morning. It had felt like swallowing sandpaper.
"Can we get one of those chocolate cheesecakes as well, please," said Marie to the waitress, pushing Skyler's hand out of the way and handing over her credit card.
"I'm ok, I'm not hungry."
"They're huge, we can share. Sugar, protein and calcium. It's not healthy but it's better than nothing, and it is also the tastiest thing they have here."
"Really."
Marie grabbed their order number and two forks and lead Skyler to a table that was away from other patrons. Both sat. They still didn't make eye contact.
Marie cleared her throat and fiddled with her fork. "So listen, um... I just wanted to say that I have been trying really hard to understand everything and to find a way to deal with it. Well yeah, find a way to deal with it. That's how Dave would phrase it. It's not something that I should expect to understand or to get over, and that's ok, there's nothing wrong with that - I just need to find a way to deal with it, for us to deal with it so that we can move past it."
"You don't have to."
Marie put her hands on the table, sighed and raised her eyes. She looked at Skyler's face, but Skyler's eyes didn't meet hers. "You need to put aside this idea that you don't deserve to, I don't know, have me in your life or have me buy you half a cheesecake or whatever. And you need to stop looking like a deflated balloon every time the idea of me trying to deal with this, to deal with you, comes up. I'm just, I'm just... Do you know what the problem is? The problem is that you have been overtaken by this idea that our relationship only consists of me giving things to you. Giving you understanding, giving you consideration, giving you compassion, giving you cheesecake."
"Rent, child minding, defending me in court. First aid."
"That is not how you quantify a relationship. A relationship is not something that should be quantified, it's something that exists of its own accord and both parties put into it and both parties take out from it. I know I have taken plenty from you over the years. But it exists for other reasons, reasons that don't disappear, and they shouldn't disappear. So that's why I'm trying to deal with this. I'm angry with you for putting it on me. For doing it in the first place and then for putting it on me now in this manner. But I am trying to deal with it and I would like you to engage with me on that. You're saying that you can't explain it away; I say that's not true because we've done it before. It was really hard and things were really shit for a while because I'd just lost my husband and I didn't...and I didn't…" Marie's eyes moistened, and Skyler's head dropped.
"And I do want to talk to you because I -"
The waitress appeared with a tray carrying their drinks and cake. She set the tray down and placed each item on the table one by one as Skyler and Marie breathed in and out. Skyler's fingers rubbed together and Marie's kept playing with the fork.
"Thank you," said Marie as the waitress left. "I don't wanna fight with you and ignore you, I wanna check in on you because I'm worried sick about you. And that's pretty hard to be angry and worried at the same time, but there you go. Here I am. And I want you to know that even if... I mean I'm trying, I'm trying really hard again to talk myself through this, but even if I can't and even if we are not the same ever again or if we fall apart or... I still wouldn't mean you any harm. And if I found out that something had happened to you, I would be devastated. So don't, please please don't..."
"I'm really sorry. I really scared you and shocked you and I didn't mean for you to see it, and obviously I should have just answered my phone so that you didn't freak out and come over, but I couldn't even think, I couldn't connect those dots in my head, and I didn't even realise when you arrived in my apartment. I was in this... stupor, alternate consciousness, I don't know, everything was so foggy in my mind - I couldn't hear properly, I couldn't connect with reality at all until you arrived."
"Where you hallucinating?"
"No, but I'd lost control. It's happened once or twice before, it's really frightening. It's not something I mean to do. It's not something I want to do. I lost control."
Marie looked at Skyler with deep concern. "It's a good job I came then," she said quietly.
"No it isn't, you were so upset, I traumatised you and then I threw this onto you in the worst possible way and… then I threw Flynn into it the next night, and… I mean I should have just had the balls to tell you much sooner in a much better way. I didn't even mean to tell you that night - well of course I didn't because I didn't mean for you to be there, it just kind of fell out of me because you were being kind to me yet again and I didn't think you should."
"I was not being kind to you, I was giving first aid. I would do that even if I hated you."
"I don't regret telling you. In case you were wondering. Or the DEA. I was thinking about it for a long time before that. I needed to get it out and I need to be punished for it. And you have the right to know."
Marie tipped multiple sachets of Stevia into her herbal tea and stirred it around. "Ok, well... I'm trying to work through it, and... But listen, I just wanna say, the most important thing really is your health and safety. And no matter what happens between us in the future, even if we're fighting or not speaking or whatever, if you are ever thinking of self-harm or suicide, please tell me. I need you to be around and in one piece, ok? I don't care if it's the middle of the night or anytime, anything, call me and I will be there. If you're in prison I guess they probably don't let you call me in the middle of the night so tell someone on duty there, and get them to help you and then I will come as soon as I can and I will be by your side and I will do anything to try and lift you back up away from that."
Skyler leaned forward onto her knees and buried her head in her hands.
"And that's for completely selfish reasons on my part because I don't wanna lose you! Even if I am foaming at the mouth angry with you I still don't wanna lose you!"
"I don't deserve you."
"This is not about you. You can't be destroying our relationship because you think that you don't deserve me. How about you consider that I don't deserve to lose the most significant relationship that I have. I am not better off without you."
"I'm so sorry."
"Thank you. Alright, shut up and listen. I had for most of my adult life two people that I was closest to. I have friends too, yes, some of them have been very supportive, but I haven't known them for as long or as consistently as I've known you and Hank. That's for my adult life; with you obviously it's for my entire life. And Dave said that things and people that were there when we were really small actually become part of who we are and part of our own sense of security as a person. Dr Jensen's talked about that as well with Holly. Part of your identity is wrapped up in the people who were around you way back then, and it can feel really unsettling if you lose them. So there's that, and then there's the fact that in my adult life it was always the two of you. You were the two people that I trusted the most, who were always there, who most of the time anyway didn't judge me, unless I did awful things and then both of you got mad at me at different times, but you didn't reject me because of it. You got angry at me, told me so, then got over it. And I think having someone that you can get angry at and speak the complete truth to, even unpleasant truths, I think it's really helpful to have someone that you can be so honest with. And to know that even if you fight, at the end of the day you can still rely on that relationship to endure. Are you following me here?"
Skyler nodded.
"Good. Now eat some cheesecake. Actually I really want some too." Marie flipped the fork she had been playing with into the right position in her hand and pressed it into the most chocolatey part of the cheesecake, putting a large piece into her mouth. "Oh my god," she said. "That is amazing. Come on." She gestured at Skyler's fork, which Skyler tentatively picked up and took a tiny piece from the narrowest part of the cake.
Marie had another piece, and continued talking with her mouth still full. "Ok, so I had two people like that for most of my adult life. And I coulda lost both of them on the same day."
Skyler froze, her fork halfway to her mouth, and her eyes moistened. Marie paused and looked at her. Skyler slowly placed the fork with its uneaten piece of cheesecake back on the plate.
"Oh Jesus, eat it! This whole time I've had to worry about your nutrition on top of everything else! Anyway that's the truth - you know that, I know that, that's what almost happened. But I talked about it a lot with Dave, as you can imagine, and with almost anyone else who would listen, and I was going through a lot of other awful feelings at the time obviously, because I was mourning the loss of both of you! But eventually Dave helped me to see that I didn't have to lose both of you. Hank I didn't have a choice about - he was gone, that was it, nothing I could do about that, but with you I had a choice. I could choose not to lose you. And I did, and it took a bit of work to move past it, but back then, you engaged with me. You said to me I'm really sorry, I owe you an explanation, I'll answer all of your questions. And I asked a lot, and you calmly answered everything. Mostly calmly. That's what I want from you now. And it's what I wanted on Friday night - I went into that trying to just calmly ask you questions and talk to you about it, but you said things that were deliberately inflammatory - Flynn thinks you're trying to jeopardise our relationship by saying things deliberately that you know will anger me. Which is some feature of this self-destructive 'punish me, punish me' frenzy that you've worked yourself up into. Is that the case?"
"I hadn't thought about it like that." Skyler's voice was very small and the amount of cake missing from her side of the piece was tiny compared to the amount missing from Marie's. "I just think that I don't deserve everything you've given me, and all I've done is cause you more and more problems and worries, and I think you have the right to know what I've done and to make your own decision on whether you think I'm still worth being around. That's why I wanted you to be there in the public gallery for all of the trial - I didn't want Flynn to be there but I wanted you to be there because I think you have the right to know everything, no matter how bad it is, and if it is too bad then you have the right to break off contact with me."
Marie pursed her lips.
"And by the way, what Kim said just now was heavily dramatised and full of spin. What I told you and Flynn after Hank died was more truthful than that. And I have told Kim that as well, but it's her job to put a spin on it to counteract the Prosecution's spin. That's what she said, anyway. She's very good at spinning an argument to make you agree with her. So I went along with it, but I'm regretting it now."
"Why?"
"Because I deserve whatever I get."
"Including the loss of me."
"Yes. And by extension Holly, since you'll have her." Skyler gasped and hunched over, her arms on her knees.
"Hey, no. No, that is not going to happen. It does not matter what's going on between you and me - that is not going to affect Holly, no. I won't let it."
"How?"
"By being the bigger person. I can do that. I will not take you away from her."
Skyler met Marie's eyes for the first time, hers big and wet, Marie's sharp and firing.
"You'll notice how I phrased that. Not 'I won't take her away from you', it's 'I won't take you away from her.' She is my priority, always and absolutely. I will put whatever I am feeling aside so I can do what is best for her."
"Thank you." A tear fell down Skyler's cheek. "As her mother, I can't thank you enough for your care of her. You're amazing."
"She is. I'm just trying to make up for the damage caused by her deranged parents." Marie breathed heavily. "So, come on. Engage with me. Tell me everything you were feeling on the night you told Walt to kill Pinkman."
Skyler took a breath and sat up slowly, taking another bite of the cheesecake. "Fear. Resignation. Alcohol."
"Resignation to what?"
"Resignation that Walt and I were already horrible people who... were regular criminals, and he had killed a bunch of people already and… well that had just been going on and on for so long that I just thought one more wouldn't make any difference. But it did. Even before I found out what had really happened with Hank, I was... I couldn't believe I'd done that, couldn't believe I said that. And meant it. But then I thought, well, I was already a criminal and a horrible person before that, so it's not as if it was out of the ordinary or beyond me, or…" Skyler's eyes moved around, looking anywhere but at Marie. Marie's eyes remained fixed, looking at her sister for as long as they could, and then falling when she stopped talking. They sat in silence for a few long moments, and then Marie's eyes rose again.
"Alcohol?"
"Yeah, that was when we were in the hotel because we'd had to leave our house because it stank of gasoline. Walt left pretending to go and fill up the ice bucket, and he was gone for ages because he was meeting with Saul Goodman in his car outside. And then he came back and told some lie about there hadn't been any ice on our floor and he'd had to go to front desk and blah blah blah. I didn't even react to it at that point, I just said 'How's Saul? You were just talking to him in the parking lot.'"
"Asshole."
"Yeah anyway, they had those little spirit bottles in the mini bar, and I think I drank three of them while he was out and another when he got back. He actually asked me how much I'd had, come to think of it. He thought it was insane that I was actually suggesting that, actually telling him to do that. He said, 'How much have you had to drink?'"
"What did you think when you were sober the next day?"
"I couldn't really think anything then. So many thoughts screaming around my head. None of them stayed long enough for me to process them. I couldn't think coherently about anything - I can't now either, thoughts swim around and sometimes feelings, but mostly my mind is like wading through sludge. I'm just sitting in the middle of it somewhere unable to move. Kim's boiling lobster metaphor was pretty good, actually, except I think it's more boiling mud."
Marie nodded, and swallowed. "Fear?"
"What?"
"That was the third thing you mentioned before. When I said what were you feeling then."
"Oh god, yeah. Fear's the one thing that was worse about then than now. Now I'm afraid for myself, but I know the kids are ok. Thank Christ. But then I was just... It wasn't that long after Fring. They almost died. I was terrified. What if he'd burned down the house and they were inside? Or if he... He could have come back with a-a gun, or..." Her breath caught as adrenaline shot through her body. She wrapped her arms tightly around her torso.
"Alright. That didn't happen and it won't happen. Don't worry." Marie sighed. "You know what did, though? I wonder if this'll help me work it out. You know I went around to Tim Roberts' house the other day? Do you know him?"
"Yeah." Roberts was one of the kinder detectives who'd interviewed Skyler.
"Ok. Don't freak out about this because it didn't happen and none of you were there - the house was empty. But according to Tim, and I didn't know this because Hank didn't tell me, but apparently APD and the DEA know all about it because it was on that DVD that Hank and Steve made of their interview with Pinkman. They found the DVD and they found that information - anyway, the reason that Pinkman did not light the gasoline was that Hank was tailing him, and he saw him going into your house with a container of gasoline, and Hank stopped him from burning your house down."
Skyler's jaw dropped. "What?"
"That's what I said. Apparently it's in the video, Pinkman mentions it and then you can hear Hank's voice behind the camera saying like, you know like when the cop comes in and says, 'For the benefit of the tape, I observed the suspect doing blah.' Apparently Hank can clearly be heard saying that behind the camera. He observed that Pinkman had entered your house with a tank of gasoline, he drew his weapon and entered after him, and that was when he convinced Pinkman to inform for him. I didn't know about it. I got home that day and Hank showed me this drugged out guy asleep in our guest bedroom, and he told me that he was safer at our house than in custody, because Walt had killed people in custody before. So he said Pinkman was gonna help him in our house, and I said is this bad for Walt and he said yes, and I said ok fine, I didn't ask any more questions about it. And he obviously chose not to tell me about the gasoline thing because… then I would've been worried about you and the kids. I didn't even know about that until you told me last week because Hank didn't tell me, and you and Flynn didn't tell me because I guess it just got overshadowed by everything that happened after. And I was amazed and I was asking Tim about it and he was like, 'Oh yeah, didn't you know that?'"
Marie shook her head and took a long sip of her herbal tea. "Anyway. If Hank stopped Pinkman from burning your house down, then if Hank hadn't been there Pinkman would've burned your house down. None of you were there, so you wouldn't have been hurt, but there would've been an investigation. And initially the investigating officers wouldn't have had a clue what was going on, but it would've been clear that it was arson, and they would've been wanting to know why. At that point, would Hank have told them what was happening?" Marie breathed in and out, staring at an indiscriminate place on the floor. "Oh my god. I think he would have. I had been on at him to tell them the entire time. And that was before he told Steve. What happened was, I was telling him to tell them but he was struggling with it because he knew as soon as he told them they would fire him, so he went out on his own, which is presumably why he was following Pinkman in the first place - I mean normally an ASAC would not be out in the field doing that. But if he hadn't been, or if he lost the tail or whatever and Pinkman had gone ahead and burned down your house… The fact that he caught Pinkman doing that and stopped him doing it was the reason that he was able to convince Pinkman to work with him to take down Walt. And Hank thought that he could do that with the assistance of only Steve, he thought he didn't need the help of the rest of the DEA. So him having found Pinkman and convinced Pinkman to work with him meant that he could bring in only Steve and not the rest of the DEA, and then they got killed. But if he had lost Pinkman and Pinkman had burned down your house... the DEA probably would've caught him, and then he would've been in custody. And there would've been proof of a connection between him and Walt. Surely I could have convinced Hank to tell them at that point." Marie shook her head. "What about you? Could I have convinced you to tell them at that point? If your house had been burnt down and your kids were endangered again by Walt? Would you have turned him in then?"
Skyler shrugged. "I'm not sure what you're trying to do here, Marie."
"I'm trying to remove you from Hank's death!" Marie' eyes snapped shut. "I'm trying to convince myself of that. It worked before."
"That's not helpful, honey, it's... you're just... you're telling yourself lies."
"No I'm not, I know it didn't happen - I'm just trying to figure out what would've happened, what could have happened. Narrative therapy is a technique, I've done it with Dave a couple times - it does work. Ok, so if Pinkman actually did burn down your house, then you probably still would've ended up at the hotel with Walt and the mini bar, and you may well still have told him to kill him, but Hank would've known that it was Pinkman that did it - at least he would've figured it out, and then he would've had a real reason to arrest him. I would've convinced him to tell the DEA because you were in danger. I would've said, 'Quit playing around, our family is under threat!' So he would've told them. And they would've investigated Walt together, with Pinkman in custody and with backup, and maybe Walt would've just run away before they got him, but they wouldn't have gone to To'hajiilee."
"And what if Walt, acting on what I told him, had got Pinkman killed in jail? That was what that gang specialised in, wasn't it?"
Marie's face fell. "Well... well then you would've killed Pinkman, not Hank. But I hope, no I know, because Hank wanted to do this at the start and I know he told you that, he and I would've swept in and taken you and the kids to our house. Whether Walt was there or not when we found you, I don't know. Maybe Hank would've stared him down, or... Or maybe Walt, no this makes sense because he did it before, he would want you and the kids to be safe. So we'd say, well they can come to our house."
"You're trying to explain it away, Marie." Skyler shook her head and put her hand over her eyes.
"Yes I am. Yes I am trying to explain it away. That is what I have to do so that I can move on with my life. I need you to engage with me on that. If Pinkman had not been stopped from burning your house down by Hank, Hank wouldn't have had Pinkman as a witness to work alone with him and Steve and then they wouldn't have been killed."
"So you're trying to make the operative variable the fact that Hank stopped Pinkman from burning down our house, rather than the fact that I told Walt to kill Pinkman."
"Yes."
"That means it was just random. Just shit happens kind of thing."
"Yes, that's what Tim said. That's what he said, it doesn't help to blame people, it only makes me more upset and angry. What helps is to realise that sometimes horrible things just happen, and to just let it go."
"No no no no no. That's a Walt argument. No."
"What do you mean?"
"That's how he justified everything he did! Oh, shit happens, too bad. I had to do that to protect this family. No. Bullshit! I bought into it too when I said, 'What's one more?'"
"Do you think that's what he thought about Hank's death?"
"We'll never know, Marie."
"Well he killed the people who did it."
"Yep. More death and destruction wherever he went."
"That's not what Tim was saying, he was saying that no-one meant for Hank to die. Not you, not Walt, not Pinkman. Probably not even those gang members, because when they showed up, they were not expecting the DEA to be there. And they were obviously shoot first ask questions later type of people, so... they had a gun battle." Marie's knee started to jiggle and her back curled over.
Skyler's body was buzzing with adrenaline. She began pushing the handle end of her fork underneath her thumbnail. "They shot him in the head, Marie."
"I know."
"I will never forgive myself."
Marie looked up at Skyler, tears in her eyes. "It does not help me if you push me away."
Skyler looked down and let out a long breath, not meeting Marie's eyes. "Just tell me what to do. Anything, for the rest of our lives. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it."
"Well that won't work, you gotta argue with me too. It'd be weird if you didn't argue with me."
Skyler looked at the table, sitting like a deflated balloon, her fork still digging under her thumbnail.
Marie drained her cup of tea, leaned back and looked at her. "You should have the rest of the cheesecake. You're fading away."
"I know I am."
"So eat."
Skyler pulled the fork out from under her thumbnail, righted it and began eating, not having the heart to tell Marie that that was not the kind of fading away she meant.
The waitress came over. "Ladies! We're closing up."
"Oh, ok," Marie. "We'll get out of your hair."
"It's ok," said the waitress. "Just sit for a minute and finish what you have. Or I can get you a doggy bag if you prefer."
Skyler looked up. "That would be good, thank you."
"Alrighty." The waitress took the cheesecake away.
Skyler took another sip of her hot chocolate and looked at her watch. Panic suddenly swept across her face. "Oh my god! Holly! She's still at day care!"
"No, she's -"
"I was supposed to pick her up by 4, it's 5:30 now!"
"Flynn -"
"Oh my god, why didn't they call me? Where's my phone? Oh my god, I bet I left it off."
"Flynn got her. It's fine."
Skyler continued rummaging for her phone.
"Skyler! It's fine. He texted me just when we were arriving in the cafe here to say he was going to get her."
Skyler looked up, breathing heavily.
"I'm sorry, I should have told you, but that was right before we started arguing about money."
"Has he… Has he got her now?" Skyler pressed the 'on' button on her phone. "Did he send you another text to say he'd got her?"
Marie looked at her phone. "No, but it's fine. If there was a problem, he would've phoned me."
"I can't believe I forgot, I just forgot her! I'm a terrible mother, I do this all the time now - I forget her bedtime, I forget to check she's brushed her teeth or eaten enough or -"
"Skyler, you are not a bad mother. You just have a lot on your mind."
"That's no excuse! She should be at the top, she should be my priority!"
"She is. You can't control what's happening in your mind, you said so yourself."
"Oh my god oh my god." Skyler put her face in her hands.
"Skyler, if the day care couldn't get hold of you, they would've called me. My phone has been on the whole time. If my phone wasn't on, they'd call Flynn. There are three adults looking after Holly. We are tag teaming it. It's ok."
The waitress returned with the remaining cheesecake in a paper bag. "Thank you," said Marie. She stood up. "Come on." She gently placed a hand on Skyler's shoulder. "You still have some of your drink left, drink up."
Skyler took her hands away from her eyes and drank gingerly. The waitress stared.
"Come on."
Skyler stood shakily and began to move away, almost forgetting her handbag. Marie picked it up. "Here you go." She put an arm around her shoulders and the two of them walked out of the cafe. The waitress stared.