Marie received the text on her lunch break. Kleinman employees were not permitted to have their cell phones in their work areas. Marie took her salad out of the work fridge and sat down with her phone. The text was from Dave. It said,
Marie, I have a cancellation this afternoon at 4:30. Would you like it?
Oh my god, yes please. Thank you. See you then.
Marie parked at the other side of the park she had taken Holly to the other day and walked through it, looking around and scowling. She wanted to see that woman again so she could give her a piece of her mind. She wasn't there.
...
Flynn lifted his heavy book bag onto his back and began the long trek across campus from the library to the parking lot. Halfway there, he ran into Louis.
"Hey man!" said Louis, smiling. "Long time no see!"
"Yeah, I-I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your thing the other day."
"Oh, that's cool. Hey if you wanna come over this weekend we're gonna have drinks and World of Warcraft."
"Sounds good b-but I can't because my family are going…away this weekend. It's our last chance to do it, s-so."
"That's cool, that's cool. Where you going?"
"J-just this cabin in the woods kind of place. It's not far."
"Alright. You doing ok?"
"Yeah, yeah, ah…" Flynn's eyes flipped to a park bench that was nearby. "Do you mind if we sit down?"
"Sure. Where you headed?"
Flynn sat down heavily and Louis joined him. "The parking lot."
"The main parking lot? That's far! Isn't there a disabled spot closer?"
"Yeah but it's always full."
"Don't you need that, though?"
"Yeah. I k-keep meaning to ask someone about it, but I…haven't had time."
"Oh ok. Well I could ask for you if you want."
"No, that's… that's ok."
"Why not? I have time and you don't. You don't even have time to hang out with me, man."
"I'm s-so sorry, I just have had, yeah, no time because I…have to do my college work but I also…have to be with my family pr-pretty much all the time outside of that because I've h-had to look after my sister a bunch of times and l-look after my mom because she's not well, and a-a couple other things have been going on too that…"
"I know. I watch the news. At least, my dad does."
"Yeah."
"And I've been thinking I'd really like to help you out somehow, but you're always busy and I probably can't help you look after your sister or whatever, so... But I can ask them about the parking. My mom would kill me if I didn't help you out with that. She'll be outraged, she'll be like, 'What? The university should be looking after Flynn!'"
Flynn laughed. "Ok."
"Good. I'll let you know what I find out. Meantime, you want me to carry a bag or something? Would that help? I'm not gonna carry you, because that would be weird. But I would carry you if we were in a burning building."
Flynn laughed again. "Thanks, man."
Louis picked up the bag. "Holly shit, you got bricks in there?"
"Well, it's s-surprising how many books you need for computing."
"Oh yeah, that's ironic." Louis swung the bag onto his back and the two of them stood up. "What are you doing for the rest of today?"
"N-not much."
"You just with your family?"
"No, m-my mom and Holly are already at the cabin. I'm joining them there tomorrow after class. T-today I'm free, though."
"Awesome. You wanna hang out?"
"Yeah, I'd like that."
"Cool."
...
Dave turned a page in his notebook and leaned back in his chair. "How do you feel about that?"
"I hate it. I hate everything about it."
"You hate multiple things about it?"
"Yeah. I hate the way she revealed it to me, I hate that she didn't tell me before, I hate that she was in such a state and she was so unwell, I hate that she has fallen that far, I hate that she might have to face another trial because of it and we have to go through all this shit again, I hate that she might have to go to prison for longer because of that… but it… well if I can talk selfishly about it, I hate all of those things because they all have a bad impact on me. Every single one of those things has a bad impact on me. And on Flynn and Holly, who just don't deserve any of this. And it's weird because sometimes I think, God it would've been so much better if she just hadn't told me. All of those things I just said that I hate would not happen if she'd just kept it to herself. Which is ridiculous, of course - I don't want her to hide things from me and I don't want anything about Hank's death to not be known about, so I don't know why I'm thinking like that, but… What I hate the most about this whole thing is that it has once again damaged my relationship with her, and as you know after Hank died one of the things that bothered me most was that I would lose Skyler as well. And I had been really pleased that that hadn't happened. And I thought it wasn't going to happen. But now…" Marie sighed and looked at her hands.
"So you would've rather if she hadn't told you?"
"That's really weird. It's really stupid because the whole point, the whole start of this enormous explosion that happened to our family eighteen months ago is because she didn't tell us something. And her not telling us that caused the whole problem to be so much bigger, and the hurt to be so much deeper and the betrayal… and - and I just, I just... I know it's ridiculous to say that I wish she hadn't said it, if she hadn't said it it would still be true. I would still be going around saying, 'Oh, you're not to blame for Hank's death.' She would still be feeling guilty about it but if she never said anything, she'd get away with it! With no consequences at all because in the current trial, her lawyer got Hank's death pretty much stripped off the record because she said it's not relevant because Skyler isn't to blame! Now we find out that she is to blame, I mean not fully, she didn't kill him, but she had a much greater hand in it than I ever imagined... than we ever imagined, any of us. Because I just didn't think that she would kill anyone, I mean it was directed at Jesse Pinkman, but it's still killing somebody! That's… that's…" Marie threw up her hands. "I can't even understand that! I - not that I understand any of what she did, but… I just, what do I do with that? How do I treat her after that?"
"Those are all very real and very difficult concerns, Marie."
"You can't tell me what to do. Yeah I know, I need to figure it out for myself, but…"
"Why do you think she told you?"
"Because she was… she, that night, she was… She was drowning in it." Marie looked down and fiddled with her hands.
"Do you think she wanted you to know?"
"Why, did she say that?"
"I can't tell you what she said to me, I'm just asking why do you think she told you - was she ranting and not in control of it, or was she calm and lucid?"
Marie frowned.
"I don't mean to say that she wasn't drowning - I think that's a very good assessment of what was happening - but was her confession something that was to her uncontrollable, i.e. was she ranting or stumbling, saying half sentences, not looking you the eye -"
"No."
"Was she in control of what she was saying, did it sound like her normal manner of speaking and did it make sense?"
"Yeah. And she did look me the eye."
"Then I'd say she meant to tell you because she wanted you to know."
"Yeah, she said that. On Monday she said that, she said I have a right to know and I have the right to cut her out of my life if I…"
"That must have been a tough thing to hear."
"Not as tough as the other thing!"
Dave nodded. "Yeah."
"So are you saying that's better, that she meant to tell me?"
"Well you can be the judge of that, but it means that she didn't wanna hide it from you."
"She hid a lot of other things."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Hurt. Just hurt and betrayed and… I dunno, I don't feel the betrayal so much now… or I didn't… I guess because she… she's the one who was hurt the most by it, so... It doesn't, it no longer feels like a dichotomy of me and Hank versus her and Walt, it's, it's just… her and me and Flynn and Holly… versus Walt, who hurt all of us."
"You feel badly for Skyler and what she's suffering."
"Yep. I do. Which is why this is really really out of left field, it just, it completely changes everything I thought about it and everything I felt about her or thought I understood; it just, it changes everything – everything. She asked someone to kill someone."
"But you brought her to see me - you gave up your own appointment, which you needed, to bring her to see me after this happened. You obviously care about her very much."
"Yes I do, and I did that because the same night that she told me this, I witnessed her self-harming and for a good couple of minutes thought that she was actually attempting suicide, which was the worst feeling I ever had, no not ever because the worst feeling I ever had was when Hank died, but the idea that she might die completely freaked me out; I can't even describe it, it was just - I was just screaming and yelling and panicking… and then I patched her up and the nurse came and the nurse did like an interview with her, like a mental health assessment, and she said, 'Don't leave her alone because her risk of suicide is high'!" Marie's arms flew up again, and tears came to her eyes. "What can I do? I have to stop that, I have to try and look after her, but I'm…" Her voice broke. "I can't talk to her normally, I can't be… supportive to her because… because she..."
"Do you think she's to blame for Hank's death?"
Marie stopped talking, breathing quickly in and out. "I don't want her to be," she said, her pain evident in her voice. "I'm trying, I'm trying to find a reason for her not to be. And she keeps telling me there's no reason. Did she talk to you about it?"
"What she said to me is confidential, I can't share it with you, just as I didn't share anything you've said to me with her. But it is clear to me that you love her very much and that you would be hurt very much if you lost her. And it's clear that she loves you very much too. Based on what you've told me about the general facts about it, she certainly didn't mean for it to happen."
"No."
"Previously you said that you blamed her for Hank's death because she didn't help Hank when he asked her. You said that was the reason he had to go out on his own."
"No but I got over that because I realised that even if she had helped him, it wouldn't have been enough. Because she didn't know anything. Barely anything - the DEA told me she knew almost nothing about Walt's operation, so I was able to get over that because I figured out that even if she had helped Hank, it wouldn't have been enough for Hank to arrest Walt and prosecute him - it wouldn't have been enough. But what I realise now, that I hadn't realised before, is that when Hank first spoke to her, Walt had not yet buried the money in the desert! When Hank spoke to Skyler, Skyler knew where the money was! She could have taken Hank to it and that would've been enough! He would've had him with that! And I asked her about that the other day and she said she wouldn't have talked to Hank and she wouldn't have taken him to the money, she didn't want to! It wasn't just because she was scared, it was because she didn't want to!" Marie began to cry again and Dave handed her a tissue.
"I don't know what to tell you, Marie, but I would suggest it might be helpful for you to write some things down. For example, you could write down what you already knew and what you were able to get past, and how you got past it, and try and figure out what it is exactly that's different about this new information. For example, you did know that your brother-in-law made a lot of illegal money and that Skyler was complicit in that. That she helped him to hide it. So maybe she wanted that money and didn't want to give it up. That's illegal, but it doesn't mean she meant any harm to Hank."
"Now she doesn't want any money. My nephew came into some money by other means and he keeps trying to share it with her, like especially before when she was working so much and making so little for it, and she couldn't spend much time with he and Holly because she was working absolutely all the time, and he offered to help her with bills and rent and things so that she didn't have to work so much, and she refused. She wouldn't accept any money. She'd rather be poor."
"Perhaps she feels that way because she refused to help Hank because she wanted the money, and Hank was killed. So now she doesn't want any money."
"Yeah."
"I don't know, I'm just exploring possibilities. It sounds like she would be happy to tell you if you asked her."
"Her self-guilt is enormous. It's the biggest part of why she's so sick I think, and I'm so worried about her being sick and I used to try and help with that by telling her that it wasn't her fault… but now I can't tell her that anymore and I can't tell her that I forgive her and I… I think I end up making her illness worse because I just say things that are... the truth, but they... make her feel worse. And me!"
"What does your nephew think?"
"Oh, he's fine with it. He's just so forgiving all the time - I don't know how he does it. I'm jealous."
"Did he tell you why he's fine with it?"
"He said that if she told Walt to kill Jesse Pinkman she must have been really really really scared, and he seemed to really feel for her on that, and he's also very keen to look after her now - he's taking on the role of being the person who tries to make sure she's alright. It should be me doing that, but he's doing it. He doesn't know, I haven't told him about the self-harm or... being suicidal. But despite not even knowing about that, he is just prioritising taking care of her, because I guess he can see that she's not ok because that's pretty obvious all the time. He's really worried about her and he feels for her reasons for doing it. And he just blames Walt and not her."
"Why do you think she was so scared of Jesse Pinkman?"
"Because he tried to burn down their house. And she said that it was not long after Gustavo Fring threatened to kill our entire family, even Holly. So she was just really afraid that the children would be hurt or killed."
"Would you kill someone to protect Holly?"
Marie's eyes widened, she looked at Dave and then she looked at the floor. "Yeah I would," she said quietly.
"Any mother would, Marie. I can direct you to some books and journal articles about psychological studies on what mothers will do to protect their children. Some of the case studies are frightening. That a gentle and caring woman can bash someone to death, for example, to protect her child. I asked you if you would because I know you look on Holly like a daughter too."
"Yeah."
"What about those other things that you said before upset you about it; the way she told you, that she'd kept it from you before...?"
"Yeah, well. I guess the reason she hadn't said anything before was that she just didn't wanna be prosecuted for it. But now her sense of guilt has got so bad that she does wanna be."
"She thinks that she is to blame for Hank's death."
"Yeah. I guess it had been beating at her for so long that she had to let it out. She wants me to punish her as well as the government. She said she thought I had a right to know. But it's not fair on me! It's not fair - the way she said it, the reason she said it, or anything about it!"
"Is it fair on her?"
"No! She didn't even kill Hank! Walt and some guy called Jack Welker did!"
Dave raised his eyebrows. "So you don't blame her?"
"Well of course she didn't actually kill him! I know that! I know she didn't mean him any harm, and I know how badly she feels about it and that she didn't want to do any of it and she was trapped by Walt and made to do so many things she didn't want to do, and…" Marie sighed, shifted in her chair, and then frowned. "But she still did them."
...
"Mommy, are these all trees?"
"Yeah!"
"But there are so many of them! Where are the buildings and the roads?"
"There aren't any. Just trees."
Holly trotted ahead of Skyler along the path, her neck craning and her mouth open.
"Be careful, watch your feet! You could trip over."
Holly stopped and turned around. "Is this a forest?"
"Yeah, it is."
"Whoaaaah! I've never seen a forest before!"
Skyler swallowed as she realised this was true. Holly had barely been out of Albuquerque before. There had been so much drama in the child's young life that the family had never ever found the time or the inclination before now. "Here, hold my hand," she said. "Then I can look at our feet and you can look up at the trees."
"Did they grow that tall all by themselves?"
"Yeah, trees can grow really tall."
"Whoaaaaaahh."
"I'm sorry I haven't brought you to a forest before, Holly."
"Are there fairies here? Is there magic?"
"I don't know. Maybe. It feels pretty special."
...
Marie left Dave's office and strode across the street with a frown on her face. Sometimes talking to him really helped, other times it made her feel even worse. He told her it would take a few more sessions to get through what had happened to her since their last session. She had wanted to stay there and blast through it all now, and wished his appointment times weren't so limited. She walked across the lawn of the park thinking about what she was going to say next time. Her frown deepened further.
As she reached the edge of the lawn, she saw her. The same woman. Sitting on the same bench. The same two boys playing in the playground in front of her. Marie marched right over to her with fire in her eyes. The woman looked up and saw her coming, and looked all around the park, the playground and the parking lot beyond it.
"Checking to see if my sister's here?" demanded Marie. "Checking to see if my innocent three-year-old niece is corrupting your precious grandsons?"
The woman smiled awkwardly and looked away.
"What is your problem? What makes you think you have the right to judge people you've never even met before!"
"I'd rather not discuss it," said the woman, standing. "Robert! James! Time to go home!"
"Oh yeah? You'd rather not? How would you like it if you didn't get a choice but to have other people impose their nasty comments and dirty looks on you everywhere you went?"
"I - errr…."
"Oh wait, you probably have experienced that, haven't you, you ugly old bag!"
The woman looked at Marie for the first time, and frowned. "I was just trying to protect my grandsons. There's no need for personal insults."
"Protect them from what?"
"Robert! James! Your mom will be here soon!"
"Protect them from what? You were the one yelling and stopping them from enjoying themselves!"
The woman began walking towards the parking lot, the boys running ahead of her.
"Hey! I'm talking to you!" Marie grabbed her shoulder and turned her around roughly.
"Get your filthy hands off me!"
"Oh, filthy? My hands? Really?"
"Well you are clearly just the same as your filthy sister, who will be right where she belongs in a few days!"
"That is none of your business! She was just trying to help her daughter enjoy the slide with your grandson - which was his idea, by the way!"
"She had the gall to put her filthy hands on him!"
"She was helping them down the slide! Little Robert was having a great time until you showed up!"
A younger woman got out of a car that had just pulled over at the edge of the parking lot and quickly ushered the two boys inside it.
"He was stuck between the two of them," yelled the older woman, "That stinking whore and her disgusting drug spawn!"
Marie gasped, and her pupils widened. A loud crack echoed across the playground as she slapped the woman hard across the face.
"Mom!" screamed the younger woman. She ran towards them, putting her phone to her ear.
"How dare you talk about an innocent child like that!" screamed Marie. "You have no idea what we've been through!"
"I know enough! You keep away from my family!"
"You keep away from mine!"
"Mom, are you ok?" said the younger woman breathlessly as she arrived at her mother's side, putting a hand on her shoulder and checking her face for injuries.
"Amanda, this is the sister of Skyler White who was here the other day, and who dared put her hands on Robert!"
"What?" Amanda frowned at Marie.
"Robert was having a nice time with my niece, and your hag of a mother - who was perfectly lovely to me before that, by the way, the two-faced cow - started yelling and frightening the children and grabbed hold of my sister, who was only trying to help them go down the slide -"
"Ma'am, I've called the police. You need to leave my mother alone."
"Skyler White was here, and she grabbed Robbie like -"
"She did not! And that's not the point anyway, the point is who she is is none of your business and has no part to play in how you should behave in a playground!"
"What do you mean, she grabbed him? Why didn't you tell me this, Mom?"
"I mean she grabbed him at the top of the slide and told him to put his arms around her disgusting little brat, and -"
Marie launched. She didn't know if she was screaming or crying, fighting or running, but she had reached a limit and there was no going back. Palms hit cheeks, fingers ripped hair, Amanda dug her fingers painfully into Marie's armpit as she tried to pull her off, but her mother was giving as good as she got, and it took three passers-by to prize the two women apart.
"Don't you dare talk about my niece like that!" screamed Marie as she tried to launch herself forward again and the man holding her almost lost his balance. "She's an innocent child!"
"Well if you're anything to go by, there's not much hope for her!"
"Mom, try to calm down," hissed Amanda.
"Look at you!" yelled Marie. "Fighting in a playground in front of your grandsons!"
"You started it!"
Amanda looked at the woman who was helping her hold her mother and rolled her eyes. "Mom, this isn't helping."
"You called a three-year-old child disgusting!"
"She's the spawn of Heisenberg! That is disgusting!"
"Oh yeah, you can't help who your parents are - look at your daughter, she is rolling her eyes at you! I know who James and Robert really need protecting from, and it's not my sister!"
The older woman broke free, charging into Marie with her pink fingernails bared. Marie, whose arms were still held behind her back by one of the passers-by, attempted to headbutt her and stomp on her foot. The police arrived and joined Amanda and the three passers-by in pulling them apart.
"What happened to my family is none of your business, you bitch!"
"You should all be locked up, not just your sister!"
"Ma'am, you're under arrest."