Skyler closed the picture book and placed it on the nightstand. Holly's eyelids were heavy, but she was trying to keep them open. Skyler stroked her hair. "Close your eyes," she said softly.
She heard a bang from the living room, and then Marie's voice saying angrily, "Are you not even gonna give me any sympathy about that?"
Holly's eyes closed. Skyler left the bedroom and quietly closed the door.
"I just… you should have been more careful! All-all eyes are…on us and y-you know that and - and anyway attacking an old lady is -"
"I did not do that!"
"Hey, you two!" hissed Skyler, arriving in the living room and positioning herself between them. "Shoosh. Holly's asleep."
"I did not do that," Marie repeated.
"That's not what the witnesses said, a-and that's not what Kim said when I called her!"
Skyler looked at Flynn in surprise. "What?"
"There were… witnesses talking on the news, and -"
"Oh, cos we know people on TV always tell the truth!" Marie rolled her eyes.
"Kim is not allowed to tell you anything!" said Skyler.
"She didn't, she just… it was the impression that I got. She s-stole your lawyer, by the way!"
"I'm paying her, it's not pro bono!" said Marie.
"That's fine," said Skyler. "She works for different people - she's not exclusively my lawyer. And I don't think she would say anything to imply -"
"How-how are you gonna pay her when you've lost your job?"
"Flynn, enough!" Skyler stepped in front of her son and fixed him with a glare he hadn't seen since he'd stolen the neighbour's baseball mit at age eleven. "Now listen, both of you: 1, please don't wake Holly up, and 2, can we please sit down and calmly talk about this whilst all giving each other the respect that we deserve."
Marie turned and briskly walked to the sofa and sat down. Skyler joined her. A subdued Flynn walked slowly to the armchair and sank into it sullenly.
"Firstly," said Skyler, "we need to be aware that this is a very dangerous time for us to be having an argument because all three of us are at the absolute limit of what we can bear. That means, among other things, that we lose our tempers much more easily and say nasty things much more easily, and once said those things cannot be unsaid, so please think before you speak. I assume, in fact I'm quite certain, that the fact that we are already up to our limit is the reason why Marie got into a mess yesterday and why you have been saying uncaring things tonight, Flynn. When you reach that limit you can't even think rationally, let alone act." She looked at Marie. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you."
"Oh, no. Kim was really helpful, actually. She sorted it out."
"That's good."
"I called her because I know she's a good lawyer. Well actually I called Tim because I thought he could sort it out, but he couldn't so he called her for me. And she was really good and she sorted it out and she even did a little press conference thing to manage the PR of it. For both me and you."
"Th-that's the thing, Aunt Marie. The entire world is looking at our family. W-why would you wanna make that worse?"
"I didn't want to do anything - I hit that woman because she insulted Holly!"
Skyler's eyes snapped to Marie's, and Marie immediately wished she hadn't said that. "Not that I should have to justify myself," she hissed at Flynn.
"W-what did she say about Holly?" he asked.
Marie took a breath. "Look at your mother, Flynn. I don't think she needs to hear that."
Skyler clasped her hands together and looked down. In and out. In and out. In and out. "Marie, I'm really sorry that you had to go through that. And now with your job, and... I'm sorry that I've put you through so much that lead you to be at your breaking point. And you never would've had to deal with this woman at all if it weren't for me, so. I'm really sorry."
"Why do you always b-blame yourself, Mom?"
"I blame myself when things are my fault."
"It's not. Aunt Marie made her own s-stupid decisions."
Skyler looked up. "Are you a judgemental person? Because I didn't raise you to be."
Flynn reeled back in his chair. "W-what are you saying, that I'm acting like Dad?"
"No! No, I-I..."
"Well if I'm not acting how you w-want me to act, then -"
"No, Flynn, you act how you wanna act, you are your own person and you're not remotely like either of your parents, but it's my job as your mom to try and teach you to be a good person. That means do as I say not as I do, right? And perhaps don't do as Aunt Marie does either, but everybody is going to stuff up sometimes, and when they do you need to show compassion, not judgment. Compassion like you showed to me when you found out the worst thing I've ever done."
"You can't compare her to you, that's a-apples and oranges!"
"I'm not comparing it, but I am sorry that you have had to deal with this over and over again, that the adults in your life keep on using non-legal means to deal with their problems and you -"
"It's not the same thing!"
"I'm not saying it is."
"Dad did something horrible and you f-fell on your sword to protect us from it! What you did was s-selfless, and it was s-stupid too, but it was done in aid of other people. What Aunt Marie has…done is th-the opposite. It's horrible that that lady insulted H-Holly, but it doesn't benefit Holly at all for you to…brawl with her, a-all it does is let you take your anger out on her, a-and then Kim and the rest of us have to mop up the pieces! And it c-certainly doesn't benefit Holly that you've…lost your job! Luckily I have money I can give you, b-but what if I didn't? We'd all be homeless and hungry again!"
"Obviously losing my job was not my intention. It's not possible to think about consequences when you're listening to this disgusting woman insulting your family! I was so angry I had steam coming out of my ears - I couldn't think about anything else!"
Skyler placed a hand on hers. "It's alright."
"It's n-not alright, Mom! You're a calm person. Aunt Marie is not a calm person and n-neither am I, that's how I know about this! I yelled at s-so many people who were insulting my family in the school yard and on the street, and it never got me… anywhere! It only ever made it worse! Th-the way to deal with that shit is to put your head down and don't react. Y-you've told me that several times, and now I do it and it works! If you don't respond to them, they go away!"
Skyler took her hand away from Marie's, not wanting to concern her with the fact that it was beginning to sweat and shake. "I'm sorry," she said.
"No, don't be sorry, it's not your fault! Y-you're the one who fell on your sword trying to prevent it! And you did it calmly and without yelling at or… hitting anyone!"
Skyler laughed, gripping the edge of the sofa tightly and jiggling her feet. "Except that one time I pulled a knife." She gasped, and breathed.
"Aunt Marie, I just w-want you to think about the fact that because of all that, the… eyes of the world are on us -"
"Oh, like I don't know that."
"- and it's particularly important right now that n-nothing looks bad for Mom, because we want the jury to go easy on her."
"All thoughts I was not capable of having when I had steam coming out my ears."
"I know, but…I wanna warn you, since y-you're gonna be looking after Holly and s-spending a lot of time with her, that things will happen - people will stare, p-people will say things, and you need to… prepare for that."
Skyler whimpered.
"Mom, it's… not your fault, it's Dad's. Aunt Marie, just-just why don't you ask your therapist for tips on th-things you can do to stop yourself from… getting angry. My counsellor did that for me when I was in school. I got in tr-trouble for yelling a couple times, and she gave me… some information on it - it was o-on a printed sheet, I'll see if I can find it. It said things like breathe deeply, count backwards from 10, and j-just walk away, just don't reply. G-go and cool off somewhere and get… get some ice cream or something, and… let it wash over you. I did bring ice cream actually, w-would you like some?"
Marie glowered for a long moment and took a breath. "Sure."
"Ok." Flynn stood up and went to the kitchen.
Marie turned to her sister. "Young people can be such know-it-alls."
Skyler didn't react. She was still gripping the edge of the sofa, her arms rigid and her body bent forward.
"Oh wait, not necessarily young people - I seem to remember Dad telling me the exact same thing." She looked at Skyler again, her expression softened and a lump formed in her throat. "Come here." She put her arm around her. "Don't worry, please don't worry. Holly will be fine. You're right, I'm not normally an angry person and I don't normally yell at strangers, so this won't happen again. Certainly nothing she can see will happen. If anyone says anything, I'll just take her away."
"What about him?" Skyler whimpered.
"Flynn? Well, he'll take me away. He can handle himself very well."
"He shouldn't have to."
"I know. I'll look after him too, don't worry."
"He's resistant to that."
Marie chuckled. "Yeah."
"Alright, y-you two can… stop talking about me now and come get ice cream," said Flynn from the kitchen.
Marie stood up and went to get the three bowls of chocolate ice cream. She avoided making eye contact with Flynn. He followed her back to the living room, and stopped in his tracks when he saw his mother. She was bent over almost double, her eyes scrunched shut, and he thought he could see her body shaking. Marie put an arm around her and pressed the bowl of ice cream into her hands. "Come on, sit up," she said, rubbing Skyler's arm with one hand and putting the other on the front of her chest to lift her. "Remember it restricts your airway when you hunch forward like that. Breathe deeply and have some wonderful chocolate ice cream - this is really good comfort food."
Flynn stared, breathing in and out. His wide eyes moistened as Marie continued to rub Skyler's arm. She placed her head on Skyler's shoulder and kissed it.
Skyler turned around, looking for Flynn. Her eyes met his.
"I'm sorry," he gasped.
She shook her head. "No, that's ok. Just take your own advice and don't yell at your family members, huh? I yelled at you too, I'm sorry."
"Th-that's ok." Flynn sat down and picked up his ice cream.
Skyler inhaled four spoonfuls of ice cream and tried to ignore her craving for a cigarette.
Marie watched her. "Don't you ever wanna scream?"
Skyler looked up, then down again, her body hunched over her ice cream bowl.
"To yell and kick and scream and… and flail your arms about, and… I think it was good for me, it… let some stuff out, you know? Like today I feel… well I don't feel good today because I got fired, but after that happened I went and screamed in my car for a bit, and… I think it helps to do that - I mean people say it helps to cry, which is true as well, but I think sometimes it helps to scream."
"Y-you did that alone in your car?" said Flynn.
"Yeah. It made me feel heaps better."
"Yeah, th-that was one of the things I really missed when I didn't have a car."
Skyler looked up. "What?"
"No I mean, I-I don't mean that I go and scream in my car all the time, I actually…haven't done that, b-but the car lets me go to be by myself sometimes. M-my point is that you shouldn't scream at others, so it's…good to be alone. But yeah, y-you're right, Aunt Marie. It does make you…feel better."
"One of the things I really hate is that I never got to scream at Walt."
"Yeah. M-me too."
Marie turned to Skyler. "Did you?"
Skyler placed her empty bowl on the coffee table and began to fiddle with her spoon. "I argued with him a few times."
"No I don't mean argue, I mean scream and yell, just who the fuck are you and how dare you and look at this -"
"Marie, Walt would not let you do that. He would argue back."
"Screaming at a person doesn't work," said Flynn.
"What did you argue with him about?"
Nobody spoke for a couple of minutes. Skyler kept turning the spoon over and over in her hands.
"A couple of weeks ago I w-went to umm... I-it's a good place for it, umm… it's this big derelict parking lot just past the airport. I can… show you where it is if you want, Aunt Marie. D-Dad took me there to teach me to drive, s-so it's a place where I think of him. So a couple of weeks ago I went there and just… yelled at him. It was good cos it's… in the middle of nowhere s-so you can be as loud as you like. It did make me feel better."
"That's good," said Marie. "See? Yelling helps." She nodded in a satisfied manner.
"Just not at other people, right? A-alive people, anyway."
"He didn't mean for any of this to happen," said Skyler softly.
Flynn and Marie both looked at her, and then at each other.
Skyler turned to Marie. "You know what Kim was saying about how when I was doing it I didn't know how bad it would get and I thought he was a, a small-time… you know. Well so did he. He didn't know it'd get this far. I mean I'm not saying it was right, I'm just... I'm just saying he didn't mean for this to happen."
Flynn looked at his aunt, his eyebrows rising. "A-are you gonna take this, or shall I?"
"Yes he did want to!" said Marie. "He wanted to be the kingpin - what about his 'I am the danger' speech?"
"He said that because I was afraid of the people he was working with and he wanted me not to be."
"What, by making you afraid of him instead?"
"He didn't mean for that to happen either. He seemed to be genuinely surprised that I wasn't following him. That I didn't understand why he was doing it or what he needed. I wasn't following him because I felt the fear and the danger and the guilt. All the way back then I felt that. But it's not his fault that he didn't; I think it was how he was raised, there were just some emotions that he could never really connect with. Not fully. And I don't think I understood that. I don't think I understood him."
"Alright Mom, that's enough. S-stop before I throw up."
Skyler looked up at him with heartbreak in her eyes. "I'm just saying that he didn't mean for this to happen. I think he was an idiot for not foreseeing it. And I think he was insensitive for not listening to me when I told him it would. But he actually couldn't connect with it. He didn't get it."
"Because he was a sociopath," grunted Marie.
"I think if he'd had time to think about it he would've grasped a little more of it, but…"
"Oh I would've made him grasp it, I would've screamed and kicked and shoved it down his throat!"
"H-he did have time to think. He was a-alone in a cabin in New Hampshire for almost… six months. And he knew what was going on, h-he had newspaper clippings all over the walls, including clippings a-all about what was happening to you! He thought about that for… six months, and then h-he came down here, and rather than going to the DEA and t-telling them that it was all him not you, he j-just went and got himself killed! And left you to face this!"
"He gave me the GPS co-ordinates."
"Oh that was just offensive, that was," said Marie. "Just the numbers, no explanation. Throwing it to you like throwing scraps to a dog!"
"Yeah, exactly. H-he said he was giving it to you so you could make a deal, b-but I'll bet that wasn't all that was in his head, he… wanted us to find Uncle Hank b-because of his own conscience probably, well I mean if he even had one, s-so why not just go and tell the DEA himself? And set you free w-while he was at it - he could do that, s-surely he would've known that he could do that!"
"If he was arrested, he would've been killed."
"What?"
"He knew too much. Those people would've killed him. The only way he could get justice for Hank was to kill them. You can't prosecute someone like that - no-one would ever testify against them because if they ever tried, they'd be killed. And that's why it's good that I didn't know anything - if I did, they would've killed me a long time ago. Walt protected me by not telling me anything."
Flynn's heartbeat rose. He stared at her.
"Sorry. I don't mean to scare you. They're not still around now, so it's fine. But none of this was ever simple, and your father did not mean for it to go this far."
"He pu- he put us all in danger!"
"Yeah. He was an idiot. He just didn't understand."
Silence again. Skyler twisted her spoon too far and it fell on the floor. She bent over and grabbed it, looking at her shoelaces and wanting to stay down there.
"He didn't understand after we all almost got killed by Fring?" said Marie, her volume rising.
"He was too far gone by then."
"Ok Skyler, you haven't noticed this because you haven't been making eye contact with us this entire time, but Flynn and I have been completely speechless and making perplexed faces at each other trying to figure out how on earth it is possible that you could still be defending him after all that's happened! He knowingly, after we had all almost been killed by Fring, he knowingly went back in, became the kingpin because that's what he wanted because he was a conceited ass, abused you, got Hank killed, went to New Hampshire to think about it for six months and then came back and set off an automatically triggered machine gun! Ok, I see what you're saying about he couldn't connect and didn't understand - he was a freak, I am telling you; he had no consideration for others, and he did have plenty of time to think about it and, ok, so what if he got killed in jail - he was obviously fine with the idea of dying so that's no problem, but first all he had to do was walk in there and say, 'It was all me and not Skyler,' and what really happened to Hank and Steve and whatever else he could - they wouldn't be able to kill him right away! The DEA would put him right into interview and he could spit out a lot of stuff before he got killed! I mean if he was gonna die anyway - which he was, because if those guys didn't get him the cancer would - how about being a man and facing the consequences first? And how about actually taking care of his family, particularly you, but he obviously also wasn't thinking about Flynn and Holly, because if you go to prison then they get messed up as well, and for a man who claimed to be a family man that's just… That's… What the hell, I mean, 'didn't understand' doesn't cover it, that's not -"
"Didn't care," said Flynn.
"Yeah. Didn't care. Couldn't give a crap about his own family!"
Skyler picked up the spoon, pulled up her body, rested her arms on her knees and sighed. "I'm not talking about Heisenberg. I'm talking about Walt."