Morning came and Skyler's eyes flicked open. Her heart had awoken, and it was pummelling fast. She looked desperately around herself and located sleeping Holly lying sprawled on her back, her limbs in all directions and her blonde hair fanning out across the pillow. I'm still here, Skyler thought, amazed that it still hadn't happened yet. In months to come, she would have the opposite dream over and over, where she saw this in her dream and then awoke and with a sinking heart realised that it had.
But now her heart wasn't sinking, it was shooting around all over the place. She looked at the clock by the bed. 5:55, it said. She looked back at Holly, breathed in and out, in and out, and counted backwards from ten to one.
She needed to pee. Sliding carefully out of the bed so as not to wake Holly, she padded into the hallway and was immediately slapped in the face by the large picture of Hank and Marie that hung there. She squeezed her fingers, shoulders, eyelids and teeth together and walked past it. This is good, she thought. I deserve it. It's about time. It's good.
She went to the bathroom, then got back into bed with Holly. She didn't close her eyes. She didn't want to lose any time.
Marie got up at 6:30 when her alarm went off. She showered and dressed quickly, and then went into the kitchen and began making pancake batter.
Flynn got up at 7, when his alarm went off. He lay on his bed and pulled on his clothes. He smelled pancakes. He stood up and opened his bedroom door just as his aunt was passing it carrying a tray. "Oh hey, you're up!" she said. "There's more of this in the kitchen for you, but we're gonna have a bedroom party in here, if you wanna join us. Do you wanna go make yourself up a tray, and then I'll carry it in for you."
"C-cool, thanks."
"Oh hey, could you get the door handle for me?"
Flynn opened the door of his aunt's guest bedroom, and Marie pushed inside with the tray. "Good morning!" she whispered.
"Oh my god, that smells amazing," said Skyler.
"Blueberry pancakes." Marie smiled.
"Oh my god, you are the best sister ever in the entire world. That anybody ever had ever."
"You're still numb, aren't you?"
"Well if I wasn't I would still be saying that, I'd just be saying it in a depressed voice instead of an excited voice."
"Yeah." Marie put the tray down on the bedside table. "Well just so you know, I'm pretty sure Dave would actually define it as dissociation, which is indicative of extreme emotional pain, and it doesn't get rid of it, it just pushes it down, and it will come back and bite you later if you don't acknowledge it. So it's probably best if you… let go of your numbness now."
Skyler bit the inside of her lip.
"I made you pancakes because I love you and I'm really gonna miss you."
Skyler swallowed.
"I also really love Holly, as much as if she were my own daughter, and I am going to do my very best for her. I don't want you to worry about anything in that regard. She will be so well looked after."
A muscle at the side of Skyler's face twitched, she frowned and her eyes moistened.
"You should probably wake her up."
Skyler turned and looked at the sleeping child. "She looks so peaceful," she said.
"No nightmares last night?"
"No."
"Good."
"I think you should have her in your bed tonight."
"Yeah, probably. I'll ask her what she wants to do."
"Well if she doesn't wanna go in your bed then you should go in her bed, or in here or something, because…. she might have nightmares."
"Yeah. Ok."
Skyler bent over Holly's tiny body and began to stroke her face in big long strokes. "Hey Holly," she said. "Wake up, sweetheart."
After a few more strokes, Holly's eyelids began to slowly move.
Marie began transferring pancakes to two plates and putting a scoop of frozen yoghurt on each.
"Holly. Aunt Marie made pancakes."
Holly's eyes slowly opened, and Skyler smiled down at her.
"Good morning, Mommy," she said softly.
"Good morning, sweetheart."
Marie bent over both of them, holding out two trays with servings of pancakes on them.
"Oh, thank you so much, Marie," said Skyler, straightening herself up and placing a pillow behind Holly.
"Thank you," said Holly sweetly.
"You're welcome. Ok, both of you smile," said Marie, standing at the end of the bed with her camera.
Holly gave a big toothy grin, and Skyler, seeing this, was able to do the same.
"Oh, that's a great photo," said Marie. "What do you want to drink?"
"Hot chocolate please!" said Holly.
"Oh, don't bother yourself," said Skyler.
"No, I have to go back out and get another tray for Flynn. And it's not as if it takes very long to make a hot chocolate. Do you want one too? Or coffee or juice or…?"
"Ahh... Yeah, I'll have what she's having."
"Alright."
"Thank you. Holly, did you say thank you?"
"Yeah."
Marie ran into Flynn in the hallway. "Hey, quick," she said. "Can you print these photos off now?"
"Ah, I guess."
"So she can take them. There's one I took just now which is absolutely gorgeous, definitely print that, and other than that pick whatever looks best, like whatever ones we're smiling better in - particularly where she's smiling. Just print the best three or four or something."
"Ok. Yeah."
"Did you make up a tray for yourself?"
"Y-yeah, and I made some coffee."
"Awesome, thank you." Marie swept off down the hall.
Flynn walked slowly to his room, his heart aching with the soul-crushing sadness that comes with knowing something horrible is happening to someone you really love, and you can't do a single thing about it.
Marie made the drinks quickly and carried the tray back to the bedroom. She found Skyler with her arm around Holly helping her cut up her pancakes. "Is Flynn up yet?" she asked.
"Yeah. This plate is for him. He'll be here in a second." Marie served herself a plate and sat down in a chair in the corner.
"Are you going away today, Mommy?"
Marie saw Skyler's posture crumple towards her daughter. "Yeah," she said, and kissed her on the head. "You're gonna be a good girl for Aunt Marie, aren't you? She's going to do everything that I normally do for you. It's just different is all. Just a different person, but you know her very well and you like this house, and -"
"I rather have you."
Skyler paused, and breathed. "I know, darling, but there's nothing we can do about that. There's nothing any of us can do. Sometimes things just have to happen, and you don't get a choice. It's just different is all." She swallowed. "And it's not your fault, it's mine. It's not Aunt Marie's fault either. She's the one who's suffered the most through this whole thing, but she is stepping up to help you out because she loves you so much. She's gonna take very good care of you."
"You're the one who's suffered the most, Skyler," said Marie.
Skyler looked at her.
The door opened and Flynn came in clutching four photographs between his fingers.
"Hey!" said Skyler excitedly. "Holly, honey, could you move over a little bit please." She lifted Holly's tray off her lap. "Just scooch over so there's room for your brother here." Holly and Skyler moved, then Skyler moved all the pillows along and placed another pillow behind Flynn as he sat down. She gave him a hug and a kiss.
"Here," he said, handing her the photos. There was the one of her and Holly that morning, one of everybody making silly faces at the picnic they had had on Sunday, one of Skyler and Flynn standing on a rocky outcrop with a fantastic view behind them and Flynn looking incredibly pleased with himself for having climbed up there, and the one from the previous night of Skyler, Holly, Flynn and the cake.
Tears came to Skyler's eyes. "Oh, they're gorgeous."
"They're for you to take with you," said Marie.
"Oh, they won't let me. Kim said they'll take everything off me."
Flynn's face fell as he turned to pick up his breakfast tray. Holly, still focusing on her breakfast, dropped a piece of pancake on her pyjama top.
"Stick 'em in your bra, then," said Marie. "Oh, unless… they don't do like a, like a strip search, do they?"
"I dunno, maybe." Skyler wiped off Holly's top and shifted awkwardly, her heart rate somewhere near the ceiling.
"Well that's ok, just keep them with you now, then you've got them with you for the drive and stuff, and if they take them off you we'll print them again and bring them in to you. No problem. Easy done."
"Yep." Skyler continued looking at the photos. She had hardly touched her breakfast.
"E-eat up Mom," said Flynn.
Skyler looked at her watch. 7:30. Less than an hour left, she thought.
...
"Come on, dry yourself off before you get cold," said Skyler, desperately wanting to dry, dress and preen Holly herself but at the same time freaking out that she would be late if she didn't dress and do her makeup then and there, and also wanting to encourage Holly to do things on her own.
"Can you dry me, Mommy?" said Holly, dripping a large puddle in the middle of the bathroom floor.
"Just a second, honey," said Skyler, pulling on her business shirt and beginning to button it. Looking around, she saw the size of the puddle beneath Holly and became worried that she would slip over. She quickly pushed a bath mat under the child and began to tenderly dry her all over. "There. Now, where are your clothes? Did you bring some in?"
"No." Gathering the towel around herself, Holly flopped forward into Skyler's arms. Skyler tried not to get her pants wet as she knelt on the floor. "Marie?" she called. "Little help!" She looked at her watch. Ten past 8. Her heart crescendoed higher. "Marie?"
"Yeah!" Rushing footsteps were heard approaching the bathroom door. "What's wrong?"
"Can you get some clothes for Holly, please?"
"Sure!" Marie rushed back down the hall. Flynn slunk out of his bedroom and stood leaning against the doorframe.
"Holly, I just need to put my make-up on, ok?" Skyler stroked Holly's face. "I'm just gonna go back over to the mirror." She stood, wondering whether she should feel relieved that Holly wasn't resisting or worried that she wasn't emoting. "Aunt Marie's getting you some clothes. She'll help you put them on and I'll help you too when I finish this." She looked at the child in the mirror, and then began the challenging task of applying make-up with hands that were shaking like jelly. She focused on her breathing and concentrated so hard she didn't even react when Marie knocked on the door.
"Come in!" yelled Holly.
"Hey!" said Marie as she entered. She looked at Skyler. "Are you ok?"
Skyler didn't answer. All she could hear was the sound of her own breaths going in and out, in and out.
"Mommy said you can help put my clothes on," said Holly.
"Ok," said Marie, kneeling down and rolling up a t-shirt to pull over the child's head. "You're doing so well, Holly," she said.
"Yeah I am."
"Yeah you are."
"After Mommy puts on her make-up is she going to go?"
Marie looked at her watch. The time kept flying away. "Not right away," she said. "She's gonna give you a big hug first. Oh, hey, Sky, is that waterproof mascara?"
"Yep."
"Good. Me too. "
Holly steadied herself on Marie's shoulders as she stepped one leg into the underpants her aunt was holding out for her. "What's waterpoof mascara?" she asked.
"Mascara is the black stuff that goes on your eyelashes," said Marie, holding open the other leg hole for Holly. "But if it gets wet, it can run down your cheeks and make you look like a panda. Or a clown." Holly nearly overbalanced, and Marie grabbed hold of her waist. "Which is not what you want when you're trying to look like a sensible mature adult. So we have a waterproof one so that doesn't happen."
Holly's underpants snapped into place and Marie picked up her pants.
"But why would it get wet?"
"It gets wet if you cry. Which is highly likely to happen this morning. Which is why I asked your mom if she had the waterproof one."
Flynn pushed open the door of the bathroom and looked in. Skyler put on her lipstick, placed a tissue between her lips, bit down far too hard and ended up with bits of tissue stuck all over her lips. She wiped them away angrily with a wet wipe and started again. Flynn walked slowly towards her and put his hand on her shoulder. She looked at him in the mirror. Her eyes filled with tears.
"It'll be ok," he whispered.
She breathed.
"I'm ready, Mommy!" said Holly.
"Wait on," said Marie. "Shoes and socks."
"Oh," said Holly defeatedly. She looked up at Skyler, who was now brushing her hair as quickly as she could manage. It was still wet, but she didn't care. She threw down the brush and dropped to her knees next to Holly, taking her second sock out of Marie's hand. "Let me help you," she said.
Skyler gently placed the sock onto Holly's foot. Marie sat back on her haunches and watched. Then she handed her the shoes. Skyler looked at Holly and made a play gasp. "Holly, these are velcro shoes!"
"Yeah, I thought they'd be easier," grunted Marie.
"They are easier - Holly I think you can put these on all by yourself!"
"No I can't."
"Yes you can. Just try it." Skyler pulled the straps open wide. "You can do anything if you try." She held out the shoe. "I'll hold it. You put your foot in. Hold onto my arm so you can balance."
Holly gingerly placed her foot into the shoe.
"Push down," said Skyler. "Push and wiggle your foot a bit until it's all the way in there." Skyler gripped the shoe and pushed back to give Holly balance. Flynn and Marie watched, entranced.
"Good job. Alright, we're gonna put your foot on the floor now and you can do up the velcro. Pull it up, and then push it all the way down." The velcro touched before it was meant to and got stuck. "That's alright, we'll pull it off again. I'll hold your foot while you pull it."
Holly made a childish grunting noise as she pulled. Flynn couldn't help thinking about how many things his mother used to encourage him to do when he was small. She had pretty much taught him to walk single-handedly. He hadn't really appreciated it until now because forefront in his mind had been how much effort he had had to put in himself. But she was always there, sitting patiently, saying encouraging words, offering him her arm for balance.
Marie's ankles had started to go to sleep, so she stood up awkwardly, grunting and groaning and muttering, "I'm getting old." She looked at Flynn. Quarter past eight. Holly was on the second shoe. She got the velcro on perfectly and Skyler squealed with delight. "You did it! Good job!"
Holly grinned.
"You are such a big girl! I'm so proud of you!"
"I did it, Mommy!"
"You did it!" Skyler picked Holly up and carried her to the door. "Tell Aunt Marie about it!"
"I can do my shoes, Aunt Marie!"
"Good job, well done!" said Marie. "Sky, your shirt is undone."
Skyler looked down. "Oh."
Marie began buttoning it for her, breathing as deeply as she could.
"Did you see me, Finn?" said Holly. "I did my shoes!"
"Yeah, good job!"
"It was a very good job," said Skyler as Marie finished buttoning her shirt. "Thanks, Marie. You know what, Holly?"
"We gotta go," said Marie.
"I know," said Skyler matter-of-factly as she walked towards the front door. "Holly, I don't think you need me anymore. You are so strong, you can do so many things."
Holly's pride-filled smile fell in an instant. "Yes I do."
"You'll have Aunt Marie and Flynn to help you, but you are such a big girl - you are going to be absolutely fine without me."
"But Mommy, you - no!" Holly saw the front door and realised where her mother was going. She pulled on her shoulders and tried to wiggle her body in the other direction. "No, stay here!"
"Holly!" said Marie warningly.
Skyler stopped and leaned against the wall by the front door, her emotions finally breaking through. "I have to go now, darling," she said. "But you will be absolutely fine. You are so strong and I'm so proud of you."
Tears began to fall from Holly's wide eyes, and Skyler stroked them away. "I will be thinking of you all of the time. All the time. Flynn!" She looked around. Flynn was standing behind Marie, his shoulders hunched forward, looking at the ground. He looked up, and Skyler's heart shattered in his eyes. "Come here," she gasped.
He walked slowly over, leant his crutches against the wall and put his arms around his mother and sister, who were now whimpering in unison.
A crutch began to slide down the wall, and Marie caught it before it hit the floor. She looked at the time on her phone and opened the front door. She went back into the house, picked up a kitchen chair and took it outside. The three at the door didn't move. Marie leaned on the door frame looking down. She looked at her phone again. She looked up. "Sky. We'll be late."
Skyler didn't react, but Flynn did. He looked up at his aunt, then reached behind himself for his crutches. He couldn't see properly through the tears and his hand was shaking, so he couldn't grab hold of the crutches properly and both of them slid down the wall. Marie caught them and handed him one. He hooked his arm through it and stepped haltingly forward, keeping his other arm firmly around his mother. She buried her face in his neck and let him guide her. Marie stepped out ahead of them. "I brought a chair for you, Flynn. I think you'll need to put Holly on your lap and keep a pretty good... tight hold of her."
Flynn said nothing, but moved towards the chair. Marie sat his other crutch next to him and then went to her car and unlocked it. She put her handbag in the back seat.
"H-Holly, I'm g-gonna... sit on this chair, a-and you're gonna…. sit on my lap, o-ok? And we're g-gonna wave... g-gonna... wave goodbye to M-Mom." Flynn sat down like a stone. He flailed a little as he tried to right himself in the chair with his mother still holding onto him. She sank to her knees beside him. She attempted to place Holly onto his lap, but the child had locked on to her. This had happened many times in the past, and Skyler knew when she felt Holly's knees digging into her ribs and her fingers into her shoulder that she wasn't letting go. Usually she just kept her with her. Cooked with her, went to bed with her, showered with her, played charades with her. Or sometimes she could talk her down. But when she felt Holly grip her that morning, Skyler just slid down the side of Flynn's body and buried her head limply in his chest.
"Holly," said Marie warningly.
"C-come sit on my lap, Holly," said Flynn.
"No!"
"Please, Holly," said Marie. "If Mommy stays here, they'll just come get her and they'll keep her for longer. Remember?"
"W-we have to l-let... let her go, Holly," sobbed Flynn. "It's really hard. B-but I'm here for you. I'm gonna hold you. C-come on, Mom, sit up." He squeezed Skyler's lifeless shoulders and with all the strength she had, she lifted her head. Marie came to stand beside her and began to rub her back.
"I-I don't wanna go, H-Holly," sobbed Skyler. She lifted the child's face to look at her and stroked her cheek. "But I have to. I'm so sorry." She stood with Marie's help, leaned over Flynn and kissed his temple. "I'm so proud of you," she whispered. "Such an amazing young man."
Flynn gently put his arms around Holly. Skyler unhooked her left hand from her shoulder, brought it around in front of her and kissed it. "I love you so much." She unhooked Holly's knee from the side of her chest and began passing her to Flynn. "You two are the most wonderful people I have ever met. I love you so much. I will be thinking of you all the time. All the time." She kissed Holly's head and Flynn's temple and kept her arms around both of them.
"W-we'll think of you a-all the time too," said Flynn.
"Ohh no, don't do that," she said, kissing him again and pulling away slightly to cup his cheek with her hand. "You just enjoy your lives. Do everything you love to do. And then tell me all about it." She smiled.
Holly wriggled awkwardly on Flynn's lap, still trying to catch hold of whatever remained of her mother. Flynn let go of Skyler to tighten his grip on her. Skyler's left hand stroked Holly's hair and her right remained on Flynn's cheek as she slowly stood up.
Marie pressed the button on her car keys and then realised that was locking, not unlocking. She pressed it again. The car beeped twice.
Skyler bent down again and kissed Holly and then Flynn on the head. "Love you so much," she whispered. She held Flynn's eye for a moment, then abruptly turned and walked towards the car, Marie following behind.
Flynn gasped, found his voice and yelled, "We love you too!" Holly turned around on his lap so she could see the car. Skyler stopped beside it, raised her hand and blew a kiss.
"Wave to Mommy!" said Flynn, taking hold of Holly's arm and waving it. He looked up to see that Skyler had disappeared into the car, and his heart skipped a beat. Then he heard the sound of the window going down as his mother leaned out the window waving. The car left the driveway. The hill and the low wall at the front of the house soon meant Flynn lost sight of it. He wanted to stand, but he couldn't do that and hold his sister at the same time. She was becoming more and more distressed, wriggling, wailing and gasping. "Mommy! Can't see Mommy!" she screamed. She tried to stand up on his lap, and then he lost his grip on her.
Skyler was leaning out the window of the car and wishing desperately that Marie had put the chair on the driveway. She could still see the driveway but she couldn't see her children. Then she heard Flynn yell and suddenly they appeared, Holly running down the driveway and Flynn standing up behind her, fumbling for his crutches. "Stop the car!" Skyler screamed.
Marie looked in the rear-view mirror and saw what was happening. She pulled over near the end of the street. Skyler was off out the door well before the car had stopped and running towards her child.
Holly, who had been told many times not to run out on the road, remained on the sidewalk and ran obediently all the way around the circle of the cul-de-sac, while her mother sprinted straight up the road paying no attention to traffic. Fortunately there was none, but every curtain was twitching and every neighbour was watching the infamous family through their windows.
Skyler caught Holly at the edge of the circle and swept her into her arms. Marie reversed the car to where they were. Flynn hurried down the driveway and also followed the sidewalk all the way around the cul-de-sac.
"Don't ever do that Holly, don't run away! It's dangerous!" gasped Skyler, stroking Holly's hair and holding her close.
"I stayed on the sidewalk, Mommy," said Holly, her voice muffled by her mother's neck.
"Yes you did stay on the sidewalk. Yes you did. I'm so proud of you, darling."
Flynn reached them, set his crutches against a nearby adobe concrete mailbox and sat on top of it. Skyler walked towards him, not stopping for a breath as she rubbed Holly's back and told her all the reasons why this had to happen. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I don't want to go but I have to. It's not your fault, it's mine. I did the wrong thing. I have to go. I don't have a choice. I will come back to you, I promise. I will come back. I have to go. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing you can do either. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. I did a really stupid thing and I'm so sorry." Her voice rose as she choked back a sob. "I'm so sorry. There's nothing we can do. I already tried everything. I did everything I could for you. I'm so sorry."
"M-mom did do everything she could, Holly. E-everything she could think of to do, she did. It's not her fault."
Skyler embraced him, putting one hand behind his shoulder to wipe her eyes. Then she looked back at Holly. "You need to stay with Flynn, darling. You love Flynn. You have fun with Flynn. But remember what we talked about, ok; when you're with Flynn you need to stay right by his side, because if you run away he can't catch you. And if you run away, you could get lost and hurt and have a horrible time. You need to stay with Flynn. Stay right here, he's holding you. He's looking after you, and Aunt Marie will be back soon. She'll take good care of you. You will be absolutely fine. I will talk to you on the phone and I will come back as soon as I can. It might be a while, but it will be as soon as I can. I would do anything for you, darling. I'll call you on the phone, ok?"
Marie looked at the clock in the car. 8:33. She put the park brake on. She wanted to get out and help Skyler back to the car, but Dr Jensen had said it was really important that Holly not perceive that Marie was the one taking Skyler away. She was, obviously. In the car. But it had to look like Skyler was getting in the car voluntarily. It couldn't look like her aunt was taking her mom away.
Finally she saw Skyler kiss Flynn and Holly again and cross the road to the car. She got in and fumbled with her seat belt clasp, not taking her eyes off the children. Marie took it from her and fastened it. She took the car out of park and moved off very slowly. Skyler leaned out the window and waved. Holly waved, but Flynn didn't because he was gripping her tightly with his whole arms.
In no time at all, they were turning out of the street. Skyler leaned out of the car as far as possible and kept her children in her sight for as long as she could. She froze in her mind the last image she saw of them. And then she broke down. With a long and harrowing gasp, she fell forward, and began sobbing and wailing with her head between her knees. Marie reached a hand across and began rubbing her back as she tried to watch the road and the traffic. They began descending the hill. The sound was getting worse. It was shrieking and screaming and gasping and choking. Marie couldn't stand it. She pulled into a side street and turned off the engine. "Come here, come here," she said gently as she pushed her right arm all the way across her sister's shoulders and attempted to lift her chest with her left. "Come on. Come to me."
Skyler raised her body and fell into her sister's arms. She screamed and wailed and cried like a baby. Marie couldn't help crying too. She felt her shoulder becoming wet with tears and saliva. She could no longer see the time and she didn't care.