For the next few days, I stayed in my room, running everything though my head of what might have been. Normally, I'd be at the palace, waking up to get breakfast and maybe share said breakfast with the prince next door. But instead, here I am. At the guild hall. Surrounded by nothing but cupcake wrappers and empty cake boxes in attempts to fill the emptiness I've brought on myself. But I knew Jellal would've never allowed this. It's what's best for both of us.
A few have come up to check on me, just to make sure I'm still breathing. I was, but the thought of dealing with people made me queasy. I just needed some time to myself. It's strange. For the last few months, I've always had someone around. Despite him not having to worry about me, Jellal had promised me to always be a friend when I needed one. And I extended the same courtesy to him. But now that I'm back here…I don't know. It feels strange. Lonely. It was nice to have someone who could understand.
Knock, knock.
If that didn't sound like a bullet ricocheting around my brain, "What is it, Master?"
"It's Mirajane," Mira's sweet voice sang on the other side of my door, "Could I come in?"
"I'd rather you didn't," I turned her away, "What do you want, Mira?"
"You have a visitor, Erza."
Immediately, my stomach knotted up. Please don't be him. As much as I'd love for it to be him, please don't let it be him, "It's not Jellal, is it?"
"No," Mira said, "It's not Jellal. He's too small to be him. In all honesty, if it came down to it, I could probably take him in a fight."
"Wait," I thought for a moment or two. What would he be doing here? There's no way. It had to be someone else. Maybe a representative from the palace bringing me something I left behind. It's not going to be…Unless, "Is his name Roland?"
"I think so."
"Go ahead," I allowed, "Send him in."
"Okie dokie!" I'm not going to deny my squire. He looks to me for guidance. I couldn't just turn him down like that.
"Erza?" Roland treaded lightly, sticking his head in my bedroom door, getting a good look of what I've become, "My God…What happened in here?"
"Don't ask," I grumbled, "What are you doing here, Roland?"
"I could ask you the same thing," he closed the door behind him, "Why are you not at the palace?"
"I'm done," I explained, "I'm no longer guarding the prince."
"And you just left without warning?" Roland pointed out, "That's desertion, Erza. They could court martial you for that! Especially if something had happened to the prince while you were supposed to be on duty."
"It wasn't desertion, Roland," I assured, "I told the king before I left. In fact, I asked his permission. And he told me yes. I told him that I was no longer fit for the position."
"What do you mean, you're no longer fit for the position?" he squeaked, "Of course you are!"
"No, I'm not," I stood my ground, forcing back the swelling lump in my throat, "Not anymore. You know, Roland, I know someone who could take over for me."
"No one!" Persistent creature, this one.
"That's not true," I mustered up a little bit of a smile, "I think you could. After all, I am the one who trained you."
"Me?" he gasped, "No way, Erza. I couldn't. Not like you. Not in the way that only you can do. The prince trusts you more than anyone else. I can almost guarantee that."
"Roland," I stopped him, "Whether I'm still serving the royal family or not, you are still my subordinate."
"No!" Roland snapped, "That may be true, but not when you're like this. You have to come back, Erza. You just…You have to!"
"No, Roland." I'm impressed he summoned the courage to be so bold, but right now, it's not appreciated, "If you miss me so much, you know where I'll be. Welcome to the Fairy Tail guild hall. And my bedroom. Not too many get past the front door."
"It's not just me that misses you," he waded through the empty boxes and wrappers on the floor and sat at the edge of my bed, "It's the prince, Erza. I've never seen him so down. Even when he's not sick, he has more life in him than he does now."
A sudden sinking feeling hit me in my chest like a ton of bricks. The image of Jellal balled up in his bed burned a hole in my brain, "Really?"
"Yes," Roland nodded, taking a look around my room, "And by the looks of things here, you're not much better. Why did you leave us, Erza?"
What was I supposed to say to him? That I had a realization that I was nowhere near good enough to take care of someone like Jellal? That I didn't deserve to be in his presence? That he's leagues and leagues above me and I'm just an S-Class wizard? That the closer he got to me, the more I knew it'd hurt to leave him? That the closer he got to me…I'd only want to get that much closer…? I couldn't say that to Roland, "I just can't…"
"Please, Erza…" he begged, "Just…"
"Roland…" I could feel a few tears roll down my cheeks, "I can't…"
"Ok," Roland let it go, "I understand…I don't really, but I'm not going to push you any further. It's your decision and I should respect that."
"Thank you." He really is going to make a great knight of this kingdom one day. Just not under me.
"Will I still see you at the party at the palace?" he wondered, crossing his fingers.
I hadn't even given the palace party a thought. It hurt too much. All I'd be able to hear were the queen's words in my head about how I was just Jellal's wizard and nothing more. And it'd only stir up the mess I've been trying to suppress since I came home. But at the same time, I'd think about the other day when Jellal and I went to see his tailor. When he proposed the idea of me being his escort instead of his knight for the evening. However, that smile would prove bittersweet.
"Maybe," I shrugged. Roland may have been pure of heart, but he was also a simple creature. If I take the middle road, he wouldn't ask questions. And regardless of my answer, he did say he'd respect my decisions. Although, I wasn't even sure if I'd still make an appearance. Would I even be allowed to do such a thing since I'm no longer serving the palace?
"I hope you do," Roland admitted, "It'd be nice to see someone there I could call a friend."
"Roland," I asked, "Do you know who's guarding the prince now?"
"He hasn't left his room for the last few days," he reported, "He hasn't needed much for a personal guard, so a couple guards stand outside his door."
"Ok." At least I know he's still being protected. Of course he is. He's the Prince of Fiore. It's not like he's going to be left unattended for long, "As nice as it was to see you, Roland, I need to be alone for a while. Please close the door on your way out."
"Ok," Roland got up from my bed, picking up some of the trash on the floor, "You know, Erza…If you came back to the palace, I'm sure no one would object to it."
"Roland…" I buried myself in my blankets and sugar again.
"Right," he hushed himself and left me to wallow some more.
In all honesty, a part of me did want to go to the party at the palace. A part of me wanted to see Jellal again. A part of me wanted to go back to serving the royal family. But a more dominant part of me knew better. I'd never be able to go back there. The thought of facing Jellal again after leaving without even saying goodbye…A wave of shame and disappointment washed over me. And the last thing I wanted was the pity. Besides, it's not like I'd be receiving an invitation. Why bother?
A couple days later, I managed to gather the strength to get out of bed. I've eaten nothing but cake for the last week and a bath would probably be a good idea. It's been a while. I ventured out of my bedroom and got myself cleaned up and a more proper meal. Soup. I wanted soup. I walked into the kitchen in the guild hall and checked the fridge for leftovers. Mira had made soup a day or two ago, according to the label on the bowl. Bless her. I put it on simmer on the stove and got myself a bowl.
Sudden flashbacks to my time at the palace hit me. And they hit me hard. All the times when I'd have breakfast with Jellal. The occasional dinner. No. I shook them off before they could get any worse. I didn't need to torture myself like that. Right now, those memories were almost on lockdown in my head as much as the memories of before my time in the guild. I'd just eat my soup, clean out my bowl, and go back to my bedroom for the last round of cupcakes I had. And that's just what I did.
Although, a little while after I had a full belly, I had another knock at my door, "Erza…?"
"Come in," I allowed, "Hello, Master."
"How are you feeling?" Master Makarov joined me, taking a seat on my bed with me.
"I've been better," I nodded, "But I've also been worse. I don't know if I'd say I'm completely better, but I'm not nearly as bad as I was when I first came home."
"That's good to hear," he applauded, reaching into his pocket, "Because I have something for you."
"What is it?" I wondered, "Something off the request board?"
"Maybe you could call it a personal request," Master handed me an ivory colored envelope with a royal blue silk ribbon holding it together that twisted my stomach, "I'm assuming you know what this is."
"Yes," I could hardly speak. When I told Master Makarov that I was doing better, I wasn't entirely sure how accurate that statement was. If I was on the bubble between being good and worse, this definitely popped that bubble. This envelope was a royal invitation.
"I want you to take it," he insisted.
"Me?" I gasped, immediately pushing it away, "No. Master, I can't accept this. I can't go."
"Enough of this 'I can't' nonsense, Erza." Sometimes, Master liked to implement tough love. More often than not, it's on either Natsu or Gray. But very rarely was it ever on me, "You need this more than I do. I'm not going to let you sit here and beat yourself up anymore. Not when there's something I can do about it. I understand you're hurt right now, but do you know why you hurt?"
"Because…"
"Because you know you have unfinished business there," he cut me off, already knowing the answer to his own rhetorical question, "It happened, didn't it? You got too close to the prince?"
"How did you…?"
"Because I know more than you think I do, Erza," Master went on, "I've seen that look in your eyes before. Many, many years ago, but I've seen it. And it put you in this same, sorry state of eating your feelings. You need to get back to the palace. For your own sake. For his sake. Please, Erza. Go to the palace. If it helps you that it's on guild business because I can't attend, then so be it. But please. You have to stop wallowing in your own self-pity. Because you're better than this. You're better than running away from your problems. That's not how you do things."
Master Makarov's words stabbed deep into my heart. However, it was the oddest feeling. Where I expected them to hurt and only make me feel worse about the situation, it reignited something deep within me. Somehow, the strength to stand returned to my legs, "Alright. Thank you, Master."
"Don't thank me yet," he jumped down from the bed, "I need to drop by the palace anyway. Would you like me to deliver a message to His Highness for you?"
"No," I shook my head, "Thank you. It'd be better if I told him in person."
"Alright then," Master put a hand to my cheek, "Rest well, Erza. You're going to need it."
As Master Makarov left my bedroom, I laid my head back down on my pillows, my eyelids only growing heavier by the second. I had no intentions of going to the party at the palace, but it looks like I'll be going to the party at the palace anyway. It's not like I'm there for myself. It's official guild business just like Master Makarov said. Nothing more. Nothing less.