It was like someone took out one large chunk of my heart and it was gone.
I fell to the floor, my fingers sprawled out on the metal surface as my saber clicked shit and hit the ground. My head was hung down low and I had no breath left in me. I tried to search my inner energy to see if it was true: what I sensed and what was lost was real.
My mother was slipping…
Ben's saber went cold too, both of us were stone-cold from what we sensed. He was silent too, almost looking off in the distance now with something heavy in his heart. I looked over at him, seeing that same face too that I had. I knew he felt it, he had to have felt it now as we both were experiencing the loss of our mother.
But Rey was moving, her hand stretched out to grasp my saber from my holster and it flew into her hand. She ignited the saber, instantly driving it to Ben's stomach and he flinched.
"BEN!" I screamed in agony, seeing the saber come out fo him within an instant now as he was gasping for air from his wound. His saber fell to the ground in a heap next to me, his hand going over his wound on his lower stomach as he fell clumsily to the ground in front of me, having me see the hurt on his face. I knew he wasn't just hurt from what Rey did to him, he as hurt by our mother.
I got up slowly, not standing completely but almost making my way over Ben since he was so close. I didn't even look at Rey directly, but I could see out fo the corner of my eye that she too felt the loss of Leia. She seemed broken too, yet my focus was on Ben.
There was a major shift in him.
The chaos within him was less erratic and more of a slow lull of chaos. It was like a dam within him whatever was holding up so tight and so fiercely, was no broken because of my mother being lost. He was vulnerable now, and there was nothing else for him to hold onto now as I was kneeling next to him and peering down at him. Blinking away the rain from my eyes, along with the tears, I saw the pain there on his face from all that we just experience within seconds,
"Neyli…" He said my name in a gasp on his lips, almost broken but bold as I nodded, seeing his lunch his wound on his lower stomach. I felt the pain there, along with my own as we were just trying to breathe again.
"I know," I responded to him, looking down at his lower stomach wound. It didn't seem too bad, but it wasn't in the best spot for Ben. I stretched out my fingers and inched a bit closer to him. I didn't care at this point if there was still darkness left in him, although I could barely feel it. Whatever shifted was slowly letting the Dark Side within him sip away, slowly and almost in a calm manner. Even with the look on his face, it was no longer stern and filled with hate but more subtle and calm.
Rey moved, clicking her saber closed as she watched the both of us there on the platform, close enough to breathe the other in. Ben and I locked eyes with each other as I gasped his gloved hand on my own. I felt how he was hiding my hand gently, no force of power behind it. It felt like he was Ben again, the Ben I grew up with and knew like the back of my hand. There was no more Kylo Ren, at least not in front of me and holding my hand in an intimate embrace.
Rey walked over and stood over the both of us. She looked at me, my eyes drilling into hers to see what she was going to do next. Her vendetta with him made her pierce him with our Uncle's saber, and now I was clutching my saber that was at my feet to give her a silent warning. If I was this close in having my old brother back, there was no way I wasn't going to chance it and have her do something else to him. But she didn't, having me see her then lock eyes with him now. I stayed still, not knowing what she was going to do.
Rey knelt and placed her hand on his wound.
She closed her eyes and started to rebate very deeply. I was frozen, still holding Ben's hand as we were both watching his wound slowly melt away like the rain and the water around us. Her breathing was in my senses now, and I knew it was in Ben's too. I saw how still she was and how she was pushing to heal him, making me beyond amazed by what I was witnessing.
His wound was gone. As if it never existed.
I was amazed she could do something like this, the craziness of all that was going on and what she was feeling within the last moment. She pulled away, feeling so remorseful from what she did and how she did it. All three of us were broken, but I saw how she was looking at Ben now as she finally spoke.
"I did want to take your hand," She admitted to him, taking in a breath before she went on, "Ben's hand."
She then looked over at me, having sensed that she was waiting for me to at least hit her and infect pain for what she did to Ben. I was still holding his hand, not letting go as I gave her a knowing look. She still had a job to do, and she wasn't going to end it here and now.
"Neyli.." She trailed off, trying to find the right words, "I—"
"Go," I said to her, putting her off a bit harshly now. She shook, not expecting me to say that to her. Who was I to stop her? I had no more will power for something like this, now now. Rey, reluctantly, rose and gave me one last look. I gazed at her, silently telling her one more time to go and not turn back. What was in the past, our future was still in the balance.
Finally, she ran off, going for Ben's TIE fighter, leaving the both of us there to watch her boost up the TIE fighter and then fly off without a second glance. We were silent there together, soaked from the ran as Ben squeezed my hand.
"Neyli," He said to me, his tone was soothing now and yet wavy. I looked back at him now and I saw him look at his with his eyes, "You need to go….go to mom."
"Come with me," I urged him, helping him sit up a bit now. I could hear the Falcon flying over in the distance which meant Poe was piloting the ship, "Ben, mom needs the both of us—"
"No," He shook his head now as he gave me a hard look, "She just needs you. It's too late for me."
"Don't say that," I countered back, shaking my head, "Nothing's impossible," I grimaced a bit, something that my mom said in the past as I replayed her voice saying that in my head.
"You need to be with mom now," Ben reminded me as we were still alone there, though the Falcon was coming closer and closer. I was more focused on Ben and seeing my brother right in front of me. It was breaking my heart to hear him want me to be away from him, to once again be separated by him.
"I don't want to lose you again, Ben," I admitted to him, seeing how he too was thinking about this, "Losing you once was enough to have me almost.."
Ben reached up and placed his gloved hand on my cheek, having me go quiet now as he took n a shaky breath, the moment between us was warm but shaky. There wasn't a whole lot of dark in him now, it slipped away and it was soothing to have my brother there. But he was still hesitant, I could feel it.
"I still need to finish what I started," He explained to me, searching my eyes with his own, "I need to stop him before he hurts Rey and you," I was shocked when he said this as he grunted a bit to move up a bit properly, "I need to make sure he won't get you. You need to be safe,"
"I can help," I suggest to him weakly, on the verge of tears in the realization we were separating again. He gave me a weak smile then.
"You always want to help," He commented in a caring tone. I wanted to smile, but it felt like it was too hurtful to do just that, "If all goes according to plan, we'll be reunited again you and me."
"Ben.." I started, but he shook his head. He then started to get up, having me help him carefully with my hands on his elbow. We were standing there side by side, having me look past him to see Finn and Janna not too far away, watching both of us talk. But I was focused on my brother.
"I promise, we will," he said to me in reassurance. I had to believe him, with all the was going on within the last few hours, there had to have been some kind of hope and positive feeling coming out of this. If I was close enough to already lose my mother, I couldn't lose my brother.
"Go," he said to me gently, giving me a pondering look as I knew we had to be separated again, "Go."
So I went.
I walked up the ramp into the Falcon with Finn right behind me. Janna was going to stay behind and be with her people, though she reassured us that they're more than willing to help with the fight. But I was already feeling as though I went through plenty of wars all in one day, beyond exhausted with all that happened. We needed to get back to our Resistance Base, I had to get back to my mother. My Force Sense was telling me that she needed me to be with her, and yet I wanted Ben to be there too.
As soon as I turned the corner in the Chess Room, there was Poe. I cringed and froze, seeing him watch me there with his hands at his sides. I was seeing the clear look he was giving me and how I felt like I didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't talk my way out of it, and Poe was the hardest person to lie to since he and I knew each other very well. He saw the interaction with Ben and me there on the platform, I knew he did when he flew the Falcon over to come to get us. What I was waiting for, was to hear him yell at me, or scold me for talking to him.
But he didn't do that.
Finn could see that we needed to the room alone to talk, so he carefully walked around us and over to the cockpit, having me feel the heaviness there in the air now as Poe was giving me an intense look now. I knew something was coming, and I was bracing for it.
"You went and you talked with him?" He asked me carefully, trying to control his voice. I knew that he was trying not to get angry, but it was getting closer now. My old self would try and snap back at him with some kind of remark, but I was drained. This was the last thing I wanted to do, the very last kind fo conversation that I wanted.
"After all that we just went through with him with the First Order, you though it would be okay for you to just talk to him," Poe stated, though his voice was started to rise and be agitated.
"I need to talk to him—" I started with him, trying to keep my voice level now as Poe cut me off.
"No," he said sternly, having me almost shake in how his voice sounded as he pointed at me, "You were needing to get yourself in danger once again and maybe get killed. Do you have any idea what was going on in my mind when I saw you with him?!"
I was quiet now, hanging my head on the floor and holding my hands together like I was a scolded child. not saying a word as he was telling me this. I had to have known this was going, and sure I was making mistake after mistake and putting my neck not he line. But there was no need for me to rebuke or defend my actions with him. I wanted to do the opposite. At this point, with what was feeling with my mother, and what I saw with Ben, I wanted to hide.
"Neyli, I really thought, over and over now, that you were going to die," Poe went on, and half of the time I wasn't hearing him now since I was once again overwhelmed with what I was feeling with my mother. Her energy was slipping, more and more now as I was feeling less and less of her. Not to mention, the new Shift that I was feeling with Ben. It was all moving within me and having me almost have a panic attack there since I didn't know how to control it. I knew what I did with Poe was reckless, and yet I was just trying to hold it together in front of him since it felt like it was going to explode at any moment. I could hear Poe in the background, but my mind was swimming and I was feeling the emotions coming over me like a blanket.
I failed….I failed…I failed….
I slammed my eyes shut, trying to block it all out. The senses from my mother, and now the senses from my brother. It was too much and too insane for me to try and concentrate, and I felt my tears slipping through and hitting my hands there folded in front of me. I breathed out shakily, my energy was shaking now as I was feeling more alone than ever.
"We need you here…and you're off doing god knows what—"
"Poe, stop!" Finn said to him old from the opening to the hallway. I didn't hear him come into the room and hear Poe rant at me, nor did I feel him as I did in the past. But now that there was silence in the room, and Poe immediately stopped. I was still quiet, my eyes were still shut as I was now just trying not to cry in front fo him and Finn. Finn must have sensed what was going on with me when he was about to take off with the ship, which was why he was there. I felt one more tear fall and I immediately swapped it off my hands as I moved to get the rest off my face I took out a shallow breath.
I finally opened my eyes to Poe, seeing him look right at me now with no more anger or agitation on his face. But he was looking like he was just punched hard in the stomach. He was looking with wide eyes, in awe of what he did and how he overtipped everything now as I took in one more shaky breath. I stood still, my hands now at my sides and my stance was beyond stiff, though it felt like I could fall over within a moment from a breeze. It was tense in the air, but I had to let out what was bottled inside of me.
"I know what I did was stupid, let alone suicidal," I started, seeing him not say anything now, "But these past few hours for me were the worst I have ever felt in my life. Not only am I trying to help with the Resistance as best as I can, but my brother is needing me. My twin brother, who I thought was dead for the past decade or two, and who is coming back to the light side of the Force. No matter how hard I try to help him, I have people around me that I was insane to try and help him."
"Neyli—" Poe said to, but I stopped him and I held out my hand to him,
"No!" I shouted now, tears now coming down slowly on my face, "He's my flesh in blood, and we both felt my mother…my mother…slipping," I said in cringe and almost in a blubbery mess, "I lost my dad, and I'm so close to losing my mother too. I honestly don't care at this point now if others are going to see me differently, but I just want my family back! I'm tired, beyond tired trying to help and trying to just keep it together when others are trying to hold me back from doing what I need to do, telling me what to do and how to do it! Everyone needs to STOP!"
Once again there was silence there in the room, my venting was over. It was a small ringing of my voice flowing out throughout the room and bouncing off the walls. Finally, after a moment of me almost screaming at both Poe and Finn, Chewie walked over from the cockpit, already looking off with what happened and what he was hearing.
He grumbled at me in concern as Poe and Finn looked at me heartbroken.
"No, Chewie. I'm…I'm fine," I said tiredly now as I waved him off and started to walk over to my quarters, I didn't even want to be there anything else, or hear what they had to say. I was angry, I was sad, and I was beyond done with all that was happening.
"Neil, I'm—" Poe started to apologize with his voice low and almost in a pleading tone, but I gave him one hard stare as I pointed at him.
"Don't" I hissed harshly at him as I took in one more breath, "Poe, I don't want to talk to you right now," I warned him, seeing him go quiet since this would be the first time I didn't want him around me. I saw the color drain on his face when I pushed him away, he hasn't seen that move from me before. I could see Finn give me a sad look now as he too was witnessing me almost break down in front of both of them. I walked away now, needing to be alone in my room and away from anyone and anything that could make it worse.
Once I got into the quarters and had the door shut on my finally, I leaned against the door and sunk to my knees, my head against my legs there as they were folded against my chest and my arms wrapped around myself. I felt very much alone, beyond alone now from how it felt like others were against me. I knew that I wanted to connect again with Ben, and I had that moment with Ben out there in the rain, it was just the others didn't see it that way. Why couldn't they see it that way?
Why couldn't they see Ben how I saw him?