A/N: You guys….I mean….fine. (To be clear…I was never at any point thinking about doing what Sarah was. I was told something that sent me down a bit of a dark road and of course my mind did what it does and said, "What would Sarah/Chuck do?" Hence, this fic. Thank you for the outpouring of concern. I am fine. Steampunk would kill me if I tried something.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck.

She was sitting in her hotel room, staring at the casing of one of the bullets she had fired into her picture. It was just like her; empty. She was nothing. She shook her head, trying to rid it of those thoughts. She was something, she just couldn't see it yet. Isn't that what Chuck said?

"God, I wish you were here right now," she said softly. She then jumped, when a knock sounded at her door, a happy-sounding knock. She swallowed, wiped at eyes that had been tearing a bit, and walked to the door. She took a deep breath, opened it, and there he was.

"Hi," he said with a smile. "I hope I'm not intruding-"

"God, no," she said, opening the door wide to invite him in. "I was just sitting here…"

"Thinking?" he asked, with a sad smile on his face. She nodded, not trusting herself to speak, but she stopped when she saw the bag he was holding. "I had an idea, and it's a little weird, buttttt, considering the source…" he trailed off. He shrugged, pressing his lips together, and blowing out his cheeks some.

She thought it was the most adorable thing she had ever seen in her life. "Is that for me?" she asked, almost shyly. And that's when she knew – without a doubt – that Agent Sarah Walker was gone. Agent Sarah Walker was never shy. She wasn't Agent Sarah Walker. He thrust the bag at her, pulling her out of her thoughts.

She opened it, and stared at the contents. It looked like a pot, painted like… the shell casing of a bullet, and inside of the pot was paper, wadded up balls of paper, with the word "crap" scrawled on each.

"After your… renewing of life, the other day, I got to thinking how you might be feeling," he said, making her lift her chin and watching him through her eyelashes. He shrugged. "I could be wrong, but…"

"Go on," she said softly, but encouragingly.

"This is you," he said, nodding toward the pot. "Or, to be more precise, what it represents. You think you're one thing, or several things, and now you've moved on. Or at least you are ready to, but you're still full of… well… crap." She grinned at him. "Remembrance of a past life."

"So I have to get rid of the crap?" Chuck nodded slowly, smiling at her. "How do I do that?"

"Tell a friend what's on your mind?" he offered. She blew out a breath, and made a head motion to have him come in, but he shook his head. "Nah, we Bartowskis have a special way of getting rid of crap."

She raised an eyebrow.

}o{

They were sitting on a table, at the beach, eating ice cream. Two scoops in a waffle cone, to be exact. "Why ice cream, Chuck?" she asked, wondering if he knew how much she loved Rocky Road.

"Nothing is quite as bad when ice cream is involved," he replied. "So, let's not waste it." She nodded, a look of fear in her eyes, but determination. "Tell me something about your job you hated, but most people have no idea you had to do it."

She thought for a moment, and then she nodded. "Okay, so, the movies make it look like you seduce someone glamorous," she began.

"Are you telling me the bad guys aren't hot?" Chuck asked, trying to keep things light.

She grinned at him. "No, they are not, but… it's worse." She paused, and he laid a hand on hers.

"No judgements, okay? This is someplace safe for you to get out everything." She nodded.

"You know on TV how it looks like spies are sleeping with others left and right?" Chuck nodded. "That's not true… at least, it wasn't for me." She took a deep breath. "You really can't ask a US government employ to sleep with someone, that's kind of against the law." Chuck grinned at her. "Some do, but most of the time, seduction is a promise… let someone believe something great happened." She swallowed thickly. "Or… or make them believe they have cheated on their significant other so they can be manipulated into being your asset." Chuck's eyebrows furrowed.

"There was this guy, who had access to a computer program we needed." Sarah looked down, shame on her face. "We were out of time… if we didn't get that program, hundreds of lives would have been lost." She lifted her head, tears in her eyes. "Chuck, we drugged him, took pictures that made it look like…." She shook her head, and looked away. She blew out a breath, and tried to compose herself.

"He was a good man, he had no idea what his bosses were doing." She was silent for a second. "It's the easiest way when dealing with a bad guy, turn their SO, make them your asset. Most of them already know what their SO is doing so, no biggie, right?" Chuck nodded, understanding. "I got a damn commendation for it, Chuck!" Tears spilled down her face. "I got a damn commendation for dressing in next to nothing, and lying next to a good man, a decent man, while Bryce took pictures. All for the sake of the greater good. What about his greater good? HUH?" She was sobbing. "What about his?" she asked in a whisper. She laid her head on the table, weeping.

She barely even registered the arm that went around her shoulder, and the body that hugged her from the side.

}o{

"Sorry about the ice cream," she said a little later. They were walking by the beach, Sarah lost in her head, thinking about that mission she had revealed to him earlier.

"Pffft," Chuck replied, waving his hand. "Think nothing of it." He was silent for a moment. "Are they still married?"

She looked over at him. He was still looking ahead, and glanced at her, a knowing smile on his face. "What?"

"Are they still married?" Chuck asked. Sarah shoved her hands in her pockets as she watched the sand in front of her as she walked. "I know you know."

"How do you know?" she asked softly.

"Because anyone who would react the way you did, would have to know. The not knowing would kill them," Chuck replied just as softly.

"They have a six-month-old," Sarah said so soft, she didn't know if he had heard her. But the grin on his face when she looked over at him told her that he did.

"When did you tell him?"

"What do you mean?"

Chuck stopped walking, and turned to face her, causing her to do the same. "When did you tell him that he didn't cheat on his wife?"

"Chuck, you don't understand. He was an asset. I used him, I burned him, and you don't tell them those things. That way, you have an in if you ever need it again."

Chuck studied her face. "When did you tell him, Sarah?" He held her gaze for a moment, until the tears began. She dropped her head, and he reached over and took her hand. "No judgments, remember?"

"A year and a half ago," she muttered.

"Huh," he said, a grin on his face. "I'm not the best at math-"

"Whatever, nerd," she said before she could stop herself. She had a sad smile on her face, but the one on his was growing. "Listen-"

"No, you listen," he cut in gently. "You had to do a terrible, sucky thing. You saved lives, right?" She nodded. "And then, you went and did something you weren't supposed to do." He watched her swallow. "You fixed it the best you could. That's not someone who is irredeemable, Sarah. That's someone who's trying to do the best they can in a very gray world."

She was silent for a second. "You're not going to let me win this, are you?" He shook his head slowly. "Okay. We'll just have to agree to disagree." She started to drop her head to look away, when his cupped index finger caught her chin, lifting it. Their eyes locked. She saw something in those eyes she hadn't seen from anyone in a very long time; admiration.

"No," he said. "I'm just going to keep showing you how you're wrong."

"That could take a very long time," she said, a bit of teasing in her voice.

"You're lucky I'm very patient," he replied, his own teasing, but holding a promise. A promise that gave her hope. A promise that she wasn't sure how much she wanted him to keep.

A/N: This isn't over, is it?