Written from a prompt submitted to Darvey Valentine on twitter.
"Donna kisses Harvey (7.10) and before she had the chance to walk away it gets hot and heavy. Harvey brings her home and Paula's there waiting for him."
Happy Valentines Day Eve everyone.
'Can't she see, the man she's meant to be with is right in front of her face.'
The words continue to echo around her brain. She cannot stop thinking about them. Of course, she feels bad for Louis, for how much he is hurting. But all she can think is how deeply those words apply to her own life right now. Because the truth is, she has always known what was right in front of her, deep down has always known the man she is meant to be with. And she had truly believed that one day it would all work out, that one day Harvey too would realise what was right in front of his face. She had believed that they would find their way together. Until now.
'Tell Harvey how you feel.'
Mike's well-meaning comments are on repeat as well. Tell him, like that would do any good. He had moved on, he had someone now, a relationship he was treating far more seriously than any other he'd had. The fact he hadn't told her about it initially just one of the signs of that.
She finds herself wondering about the timing of it all though, wonders if it's not a coincidence he jumped into a relationship the second she broached the topic of wanting more. Wonders if maybe he took himself out of the equation before she even had a chance to tell him what that more was.
But it doesn't matter how their relationship came about, he and his.…therapist. She had him now and Donna didn't. It felt like she had missed her chance and the thought had grated on her heart every day since she found out.
And God she had tried so hard to hide it. She had read her lines in the scene they had acted out too many times before to count:
'It bothers me, but it doesn't mean anything.'
'I don't want more.'
'I'm happy for you Harvey.'
She even played the role of the friendly co-worker that day she had encountered her in his office, a present for their 2-month anniversary in hand. Like Harvey was the kind of person who celebrated such a childish milestone. She had forced herself to smile, be polite, even told her about his favourite restaurant, every word burning her throat.
But she couldn't do it anymore. Her actress mask was failing her, and she couldn't force down the long-held secret any longer. Because she was in love with him. So completely and absolutely in love with him. And not like a brother or a cousin, but in the you're my soul mate, my forever, be the father of my children, kind of way.
And God why couldn't he just see it. Why couldn't he see her!
It occurred to her then that she was responsible for all this. Because if she had never left Harvey to go work for Louis, he wouldn't have started having panic attacks and then he and Paula would have never met. The realisation rubbed salt into the already festering wound that was her heart.
Maybe she should tell him. Act on Mike's words. Because she can't keep living like this.
The fact is, she doesn't really know what he feels. She has always been so good at reading people, at knowing what they are thinking and wanting. But with him it has always been different. Sure, she still knows him better than anyone else, she can read his tells and the meaning behind his actions. But not when it comes to matters of his heart, that final frontier has always been a mystery to her.
She knows there has always been a connection between them, some unidentifiable thing that holds them together. Donna knows that on her end it's love. But she isn't entirely sure what holds Harvey's end. That he cares about her, needs her in his life, she does not doubt. But she's foggy on the rest. Even if she knows that he loves her, he told her as much that fateful night, after all this time she still doesn't have an answer to her question of 'love me how?'
As her thoughts continued to jumble around her brain he appeared without warning. Strolling into her office, looking as handsome as ever, words trailing behind him.
"Good you're still here. Where's Louis? Because I have some news and I think you should both…."
She didn't pay attention to what he was saying. The sight of him registering a single need, a single thought, in her head. She finds herself moving towards him without a second's hesitation, allowing no room for doubt, unable to not know the answer to that question for a moment longer.
And then her lips are on his and her hands are around his neck, trailing up into the fine strands of hair at his neck. And even though she can feel the shock of the moment all through his body, feel him freeze in place, all she can think is how soft and perfect his lips feel beneath hers, how good it is to be pressed against his body once more, after over a decade of being apart.
She was about to pull away when she felt him start to kiss her back, felt his body come alive. Her heart skipped a beat, or maybe more, at the realisation. She hadn't really thought through her plan beyond kissing him, beyond her desire just to know what was truly there between them. Hadn't really expected him to reciprocate. But she could feel him begin to lose himself in the kiss and God she knew she should stop it. That they shouldn't be doing this. Because he wasn't hers; he belonged to someone else.
But then his hands wrapped around her body, pulling her closer to him, his tongue gliding against hers. And she doesn't want to stop it, is sick and tired of playing safe, and pretending she doesn't want this. She wants this so much. And if he wasn't stopping why should she. So, she switched off her brain, and allowed herself to get lost in the moment.
Harvey began kissing her so deeply she could hardly breathe. They kissed for every one of the twelve years that had passed since the last time they had, for every 'it bothers me' and every 'but it doesn't mean anything', for every undefined I love you, and every stolen glance and wishful thought. They kissed like time and reality and consequence had no meaning. They kissed each other like they were the only two people on the entire planet.
She felt him begin to walk her backwards towards the table in the corner of her office, pushing aside the chairs surrounding it until she was pressed against the edge. He rolled his hips against her and she could feel his need grinding into her. She dug her hands into his hair, biting down on his bottom lip in response. But this had already gone too far, they couldn't keep going.
"Oh God, Harvey." She pulled her mouth from his and pushed weakly against his chest. "Harvey, we have to stop."
He was lost, almost trance like, as he trailed kisses down her neck, sucking on the skin of her shoulder. "Can't stop, never stopping," he groaned roughly against her skin. She cried out as he palmed her breast, fingers working over her nipple through the fabric of her dress.
"We can't do this," she panted out each word, completely overwhelmed by his touch. She had wanted this for too long, had dreamt about being with him in this way again for too long. Rational, sensible thought, filled with all the reasons they couldn't was beginning to desert her. He grunted at her words but didn't stop his ministrations, moving to slip his hand underneath her dress, dragging it up her thigh. She moaned into his mouth, so incredibly tempted to just give in to the moment. But as desperately as she wanted too, she couldn't. And especially not here, not exposed by the glass walls of her office, the possibility of being interrupted too great.
"Harvey," she whimpered. "Please."
He groaned loudly, and forcibly pulled himself back from her. She caught sight of his eyes then and was shocked by how dark and wild they were. So filled with passion and desire and need as to appear almost animalistic. It was the look which broke her remaining resistance.
"We can't do this," she repeated. "We can't do this here," she added, looking at him pointedly.
He stared back at her then, and she saw the meaning of her words sink in. And here was the moment, screaming at them, when they had to, needed to stop. This was the last chance to walk away. They had already crossed the line, broken so many rules, this was the last opportunity for either of them to walk away before they obliterated the rest of them. A part of her hoped he would see reason, because she now knew that, despite her protests, she wasn't going to stop this.
Instead, he grabbed hold of her hand, tugging her out of her office. Initially she thought he was leading her to a bathroom or even the file room, so she was surprised to find them pass by the reception desk to the elevators, Harvey stabbing repeatedly at the call button. The doors opened quickly and before she had a chance to question what he was doing, he pulled her inside, pinning her against the elevator wall. As they began to descend, he reclaimed her mouth with his before clasping his hands around her thighs, lifting her up. She eagerly complied, wrapping her legs around his waist, the position allowing him to thrust himself against her throbbing centre. She could feel him, rock hard, straining trough the fabric of his pants and her moans echoed loudly through the metal box. He pushed himself against her determinedly and she half wondered why he didn't just pull the emergency button and take her right there. She knows she would have let him willingly, no longer bothering to pretend otherwise to herself.
But before she had a chance to suggest just that they reached the ground floor and Harvey helped her back to her feet as the door opened. He led her across the lobby, tugging at his pants, clearly uncomfortably tight with the evidence of what she had felt in that elevator highly visible.
He hailed a passing cab, and as they tumbled into the backseat Donna was a little surprised to hear Harvey give the driver his address. "Harvey are you sure?" she had to ask, had to make one last attempt to halt this thing. But he simply nodded at her, before covering her lips with his once more. The short cab ride to his apartment was almost as heavy as the elevator ride. Mouths joined, hands all over each other's bodies. This desperate, long pent up, all-consuming need they had for each other destroying all sane thought or care for public decency.
And she stopped thinking about all the reasons why what they were doing was wrong. She knew there would be consequences for their actions tomorrow, but right now she couldn't have stopped what was happening between them any more than she could have stopped herself from being in love with him.
She spent the ride up to his apartment working on his tie and the top buttons of his shirt while his hands once again ventured under the hem of her dress. By the time they reached his front door both were so far gone she knows she would have let him take her right there in the hallway.
As it was, he did push her against the door, rolling his hips over her once more, tantalising her with the feel of his impressive erection. She finally succeeded in pushing his jacket from his shoulders, dropping it to the floor, his tie quickly following as she yanked opened the buttons at the top of his shirt. With his neck finally bare she pressed her lips to the skin of his shoulder, grazing her teeth up his neck to nibble on his ear lobe. She felt a shiver run through his body in reaction. Heard him groan her name. Returning point his hand travelled underneath her skirt yet again, this time finally reaching his goal as he rubbed her over the lace of her panties. She felt her legs begin to weaken as he zeroed in on her bud of nerves.
"God, Harvey, take me inside" she moaned against the skin of his throat.
He chuckled smugly at her words, fishing in his pocket for his key, reaching around her to unlock the door.
"C'mon" he said pulling her into the apartment behind him. Both so focused on making their way to his bedroom, neither noticed the blonde figure seated on the couch.
"Harvey?"
The quiet voice sounded out through the apartment, halting him in his tracks. Harvey stopped so suddenly and heavily that Donna actually stumbled into his back. It would have been comical if the situation didn't suddenly resemble his worst nightmare.
"Oh fuck" it was the only thought reverberating around his skull, and it fell from his mouth.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Paula. What was she doing there?
The haze of desire and desperate need disappeared in the blink of an eye, the harsh weight of reality settling on his shoulders. Fuck, what was he thinking? He didn't do this; he wasn't this guy. He swore he would never be this guy. How could he have he let this happen? But he knows he could have stopped this, he had multiple chances. This had been a choice, and now he was about to watch it explode in front of him.
He heard his name called again then but this time it came from behind him. Confusion, regret and shame were clear in Donna's voice. He felt like his whole world was crashing down on him. What had he done, it wasn't meant to be like this. This wasn't how he and Donna were meant to happen. He'd let himself get so completely caught up in his need for her that he hadn't stopped to think the situation through properly.
"Harvey, what the hell is going on?" Paula's voice rising in anger and suspicion, as she stood up from where she had been sitting and walked towards them.
He could only imagine what they must look like. His tie and jacket gone, shirt half unbuttoned, hair dishevelled. He knew Donna looked the same, hair tangled, lipstick smeared. And while his raging hard-on had now disappeared, he has no doubt it had been on full display when he first walked in. There was no denying what they had been doing, what they had been about to do.
"I have to, I need to, I need to go." Donna's words were jumbled as her hand dropped from his and he keenly felt the loss as she moved away from him, heading for the door.
"No, wait." He couldn't stop the words or from reaching for her hand, but she pulled it from his grasp and almost sprinted from the apartment. He deserved the look she gave him from the doorway. Was he really trying to make her stay when they had just been caught virtually in flagrante by his girlfriend? The sound of his door slamming shut reverberated through the room.
"Harvey, I am not an idiot. So, don't even think about trying to lie to me about what you were doing." She glared at him, the hurt clear on her face and he felt the first, thoroughly warranted, flickers of shame begin to wash over him.
"Paula, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have had to see that. I shouldn't have let that happen, I got carried away. I should have…." his words suddenly trailed off. He knew what had to be done, what he needed to say, but regardless of how inevitable this was he already felt so ashamed of himself for what had happened tonight, and his next words would cause more pain.
"You should have what Harvey?" She yelled the question at him.
He knows he can't fault her for her anger. But looking at her then he realised he felt nothing for her, absolutely nothing. Sure, there was the extreme guilt and shame for what he had done, what she had just witnessed, and the knowledge of just how much more thoroughly he would have been crossing the line right now if she hadn't been there. He felt guilt over the pain this was no doubt causing her. It wasn't her fault and what he had done was so incredibly wrong. But beyond that he realised there was nothing, looking at her he couldn't for the life of him think why he had ever pursued this relationship. It had been a mistake from the very beginning. The thought was oddly clarifying in a moment went he felt like his whole life had just come apart at the seams.
"Before I had a chance to speak to you," he continued "I shouldn't have let anything happen until I had ended this."
"You're breaking up with me?" He was surprised by the tone of her voice, by her question. He had expected anger, rage, fury. Expected her to be the one ending things before he even had the chance. Did she really expect their relationship would continue after this? But before he could answer she spoke again.
"You're really going to throw away what we have for Donna?"
She seemed to almost spit the words at him, and the disdainful way she said Donna's name made Harvey see red. He tried to remind himself that Paula was the wronged one tonight, that she was just reacting in anger and she had every right to do. But he had never been able to handle anyone coming after Donna and what happened tonight didn't change that.
"I'm sorry Paula, I really didn't mean to hurt you, but this," he gestured weakly between them "this was a mistake. Things changed for me tonight, made me see differently. What I did after that, I was wrong to do that, it wasn't fair to you, but Paula," he stared into her eyes then, determined she hear the truth of his words "let's not pretend that there was ever a future here."
He saw the hurt wash over her and was filled with immediate regret. He had already caused her enough grief for one night; he shouldn't have reacted to her words. But Donna had always been his weak spot. And he had only spoken the truth.
She grabbed hold of her bag then, reaching inside to yank out the key to his apartment he had given her. Donna's key. Just seeing it in her hand made him feel like poison was running through his veins. Yet another huge fucking mistake he had made recently. She threw the key on to the kitchen bench, the metal clanging as it skidded along the stone countertop.
"You're pathetic, chasing after some woman who already abandoned you once before. You're a fool to think she won't do it again." She spat the words at him like venom. And while he loathed to admit it, the words stung, his very real fears so callously thrown back at him.
And with that she left, and while he was filled with shame at his actions tonight, he realised that the ending of this relationship hadn't hurt him in the slightest.
With the sound of his apartment door slamming shut for the second time that night still ringing in his ears, Harvey headed for his scotch bottle. He desperately needed some liquor running through his system right about now.
God tonight has been one giant fucking mess.
He had crossed that line, the moral line he had drawn so deeply in the sand his whole life. He had become the very thing he was certain he would never be. He may have fixed things with his mother, forgiven her, but that still didn't mean he condoned what she did, it didn't mean that he had suddenly decided infidelity was ok.
And yet as soon as her lips had touched his tonight all that flew out the window. He hadn't thought, hadn't wanted to, had been so completely and overwhelming lost in her. And when his brain had finally pushed through to his conscious thought, yelling Paula's name at him, he had chosen to ignore it, push it back down, hide from it.
The second her lips hit his he had known that relationship was over. The moment Donna stepped over her own line, the moment she opened up the possibility of a them, he knew he was done for. That there would no longer be any hiding from this thing that had forever been between them. And so even though he knew it was wrong, he had kissed her back, pulled her to him, melded his body to hers.
He knows that was the point he should have stopped it at. That he should have immediately gone and ended it with Paula before it went any further. That would have been the right, proper thing to do. Even just kissing Donna back like that when he was still involved with someone else broke every rule he had, but he knows if he had just stopped and dealt with the issue right then, his conscious would have been clear. And then he would have been free to go to Donna, to be with her in all the ways he had only dreamed were possible.
But instead, when she had tried to stop them, when she said they couldn't do that in her office, when the opportunity to stop arrived on multiple occasions, he didn't. Instead he had brought her home. He had been incapable of stopping, because the feel of her beneath his hands and mouth had felt so perfectly right, he couldn't believe that it might also be wrong. And he didn't want what he had been waiting for over a decade for to just be some quickie in an office bathroom. And that's why he took her home.
That's how he tries to justify it to himself at least. But even if it didn't feel wrong, even if he now realises that the real mistake had been attempting a relationship with Paula in the first place, it still was wrong.
But he was in love with her. He was so fucking in love with her and he was exhausted of trying to pretend that wasn't the case, tired of hiding it.
Her lets the thought sink into him. There is no excuse for what they did, but deep down he also knows he doesn't exactly regret it. Being with Donna in that way again is something he has secretly wanted for as long as he can remember. A combination of her rule, fear on his behalf and poor timing has always managed to keep them apart in the past. But he wasn't afraid anymore, and she had clearly let go of her rule. There wasn't anything stopping them anymore.
He hasn't even finished the thought before he is racing out his door.
The light glints off the golden numbers across her front door as he pauses to catch his breath, having literally raced across the city to her door. He can remember each and every time he's been here, knocked his fist again the dark wood. He feels regret that it hasn't been often, but each time has been momentous. The Other Time, the god-awful dinner party, the night he told her he loved her and then ran away like a coward, when they fought over Louis and her salary, and the night she talked him down from the cliff he was about to jump off for Mike. He can feel the history of all that has occurred behind this simple door pressing down on him.
But this time, this knock, he hopes may be the most momentous of all. He just hopes it's for the right reasons and not because it ends up being the very last time he's able to do it.
Donna hears the knock echo through her apartment. As always, she could tell exactly who it was from the sound. She felt her heart begin to beat harder, anxiety coating her skin.
After she fled his apartment, she had been worried he was going to follow her. And she couldn't decide if that's what she wanted or not. Arriving home, she barricaded herself in her apartment and started to drown the guilt and shame and embarrassment of the evening under a copious amount of red wine. She had spent the last few hours ruminating on all that had happened, trying to make sense of the choices they had made, of the meaning of it all. Dreading and hoping for that knock on her door in equal amounts.
She has yet to touch on the secret she slipped under her heart as she ran from his apartment. The answer she thinks she received to the question of 'how'. Because Harvey just threw away everything for her and she has to believe there was a good reason for it. Not that she has had a chance to unravel it yet, too busy with the self-recriminations to allow her mind to go there.
She had always believed she would never be the sort of person who made moves on another woman's man. And yet in the space of just a few weeks she had done that twice. Been the other woman. And while technically nothing had happened with Mark, for a moment there she had been going to. And something sure had happened with Harvey. She doesn't like what that said about her character. Deep down she knows she only considered crossing the line with Mark in a desperate attempt to ease her loneliness and broken heart. And Harvey, if she's honest, a part of her has always considered Harvey hers to begin with. And tonight, that part had won out over the moral side of her that usually did what was right.
But none of that can excuse what she did, what she allowed to happen. Being in love with a man didn't mean she was free to claim him when he already belonged to someone else. And it was that, the fact that he was in a relationship that lies at the root of her true fear. Because as harshly as she has been mentally punishing herself, she knows what the reality of this must be doing to Harvey.
He had lived with the effects of his mother's infidelity almost his entire life. It was without a shadow of a doubt the one line he would never cross. And yet tonight he did, and she had been the one to lead him there, practically dragged him across it and she's not sure if there is a way back from that.
She hears him knock again, the force stronger this time. She pulls open the door just as he is about to rap a third time, revealing him standing with his arm in the air, looking oddly out of breath.
She can see the effects of tonight etched in his face. Remorse, guilt, shame, fear. And something else. Something she is too afraid to name just yet. Risking a glance into his eyes she is surprised to see a lightness there, rather than the anger she had partially expected.
She leans against the open door, and she doesn't say anything because she honestly doesn't know where to start. For once in her life she didn't have any words. Apparently, he did.
"It's over."
She feels herself narrow her eyes slightly, needing more of an explanation, and he continued "I ended it."
"I'm sorry."
He raises his eyebrows at her words. "Don't. Don't do that. Can't we just, can we not lie anymore."
She felt the weight of the lies and pretence they usually lived by drop away at his words. Because he was right. They needed to have an honest conversation with each other for once in their lives.
She nodded. "Ok, I'm not sorry." She shrugged her shoulders at him.
She is surprised to see a glint of humour in his eyes at her words and as she moves her eyes over his face, he smirks at her.
She can't help but laugh at the action, and at the absurdity of the situation, an expel of the nervous tension that had been building up in her. She opens the door wider, motioning him inside, knowing this is not a conversation they can continue having in her doorway.
Once he had reached her lounge room, he turned to face her, and she couldn't read the expression on his face.
"I thought you would be angry with me."
"I thought you'd be angry with me too" she responds quietly.
Confusion crosses his face "Why would I be angry with you?"
"Because I made you into the one thing you never wanted to be. I made you break your number one rule" her voice faulters then and she is unable to continue, the humour of a moment ago quickly fading.
He looks at her then with soft eyes and an unfathomable expression. "Don't you get it yet Donna. I'd break any rule for you, every rule. I've done it so many times before." She feels her lip begin to tremble at his words. "And you didn't make me do anything Donna, we were both there, I'm just as responsible for what happened as you." He stares into her eyes pointedly "More so. You tried to stop us, more than once, which is more than I can say about me."
"But I initiated it, I kissed you." She's not ready to let go of feeling responsible for all this just yet.
"And I kissed you back. And I'm the one that took you home." He raises his shoulders lightly. "It's not like you were holding a gun to my head Donna. I made my choice."
She must admit she's a little shocked at how well he's handling this, that he is taking the mature adult approach to this situation and not lashing out in anger like she half expected.
"Why did you take me home? Why not somewhere in the office? Why didn't you stop?" She can't help the sudden flow of questions.
She can see him considering his words, knows he is taking his plea for honesty seriously.
"Because I didn't want to stop, I couldn't let us stop. Because I was afraid if I said stop, if I said wait, we would never get that moment back again. That we would miss our chance again. And because this" he waved his hand between them, "This deserved better than a toilet cubicle."
"But why?"
"You know why Donna." She feels the hands of the clock dialling backwards at his words, and then he completes it, "You know I love you."
"Love me how?" She thinks she may have only mouthed the words; not sure any sound actually came out.
He starts walking towards her then, slowly, coming closer with each word he speaks, and she can feel her heart hammering in her chest so loudly she's certain he can too.
"I love you like you're my whole world, like you're the most important person in it. I love you like you're the first person I think of in the morning and the one I go to sleep dreaming about at night. I love you like I am in love with you Donna. I love you like I always will be."
He reached for her then, sliding a hand gently along her cheek to wipe the tears that had fallen without her even realising. She had never imagined hearing words like that from the mouth of Harvey Specter.
With his other arm winding around her back he tilted her head up slightly so that he was looking into her eyes as he continued.
"I was hiding with her. That night you said you wanted something more I was so terrified that what you meant was more with me. And I panicked and decided to take myself out of the picture so that couldn't be the more you were after."
He pauses, breathing out deeply and she can see emotion pouring from his eyes.
"I ran. And it was such a huge fucking mistake. Because I should have been running to you."
She knows her tears are running freely now, can feel them dripping off her chin but she is beyond caring, so dazed by the words she is hearing.
She gives him a watery smile. "I guess this is the part where I tell you that I'm madly in love with you too."
She's barely finished the words before his mouth is covering hers, his hands wrapping around her body, pulling her so tightly to him she feels her feet rise into the air. The action makes her laugh in surprise into their kiss.
"Yes, it is definitely that time" he replies, the grin across his face bigger than she's ever seen before, as he joins their lips once more.
They lose count of the number of times they make love that night, bodies tangled together as they try to make up for 12 long years apart. And when finally, they start to drift to sleep Harvey decides that the last knock on her door had, without a shadow of a doubt, proved to be the most momentous of all.
A/N Thanks for reading, hopefully I did this prompt justice, would love to hear your thoughts.