"Its losing a part of yourself. Like losing a limb. But even more so. Your very soul bonded to another and then ripped apart."
Alec remembered reading those words when he was researching parabatai.
He never believed in such a thing. Sure he knew when Jace was in pain and when he was happy. He could feel it just as well as he could when he was with Magnus.
The benefits of being parabatai. Sensing his brother. Knowing when he needed something. But as Alec learned in the past few months parabatai wasn't so great. Trying to find him after he vanished with Valentine. Being forced to fight him.
Parabatai was a curse.
He thought all those times the pain he felt was so insurmountable. He could hardly breathe.
But no matter how angry he was with Jace no matter how many times they had fought and been on different sides he'd never felt anything like this.
He felt a phantom pain in his gut. It felt like the air was knocked out his lungs as he gripped the table.
He screamed as he recognized a sharp blade twist inside him.
No. No not this.
"Alexander, you ok?" Magnus asked.
A white hot flame burned inside of him as he felt Jaces panic and fear roll and crash against him like a tsunami.
"His parabatai rune," Izzy said as he pulled his shirt up.
The mark was searing hot, blazing against his stomach.
"It's..." he gasped, trying to find Jace amidst the pain.
He couldn't finish though, as he stared ahead. Seeing the Institute but remembering everything.
"Jace," he coughed out as his parabatai screamed.
Meeting him, training with him, becoming parabatai, knowing that suicidal yet confident look Jace always gave and he years of fighting back to back all came rushing forward. The constant hum in the background, lighting up, emotional and powerful as he was himself, a comforting presence every day, every night, through everything. As sure as if he cut himself now, he felt his parabatai bleed.
He screamed, not even registering the other Shadowhunters in the room. His grip on the table faltered, the invisible blade digging within his stomach, his legs becoming jelly as he collapsed.
"Alec!" he hardly heard Izzy's cry.
He couldn't even find the words or find comfort as Magnus cradled him.
As sure as he was next to him, as sure as he saw the Institute, he saw a beautiful lake and tall reaching trees. Alec blinked, his vision colliding with Jace's version as Valentine's face came into view.
The bastard, pulling his blade out of his own body.
No, not his, Jace's.
He shook, feeling the cold hands of death creep over Jace. The agony of his parabatai's heart slowing.
Alec gaped like he was drowning as he felt Jace sink into the muddy ground.
Barely even seeing Clary cry out to him and Jace telling her the truth. That he loved her, that she was everything. No, not even that was as powerful as the link snapping.
Alec had been in many fights, had been stabbed, beaten, bruised and had nearly died. But this, this was nothing compared to the tether between him and Jace finally tearing.
It wasn't nearly as ugly and horrific as the books had described.
No, it was worse.
That constant hum, that sense of adrenaline and fierce loyalty Jace always had vanished.
Alec let loose a cry as tears streamed down his face. He was gone. Not just invisible like he was over water or activating an anti tracking rune, but fundamentally not existing anymore.
Confirming his fears, he lifted his shirt up again to see that strong and beautiful shaped rune vanished.
As if it never existed.
"I can't feel..." his voice wavered, unsure, disbelieving of the very idea.
"He's dead."
Alec stared ahead as Izzy and Magnus tried speaking to him.
But nothing came through that thick fig that enveloped him now. There was nothing. And he finally understood.
"It's like losing a limb."