hi i ain't gonna lie, my head hurts and i dont want to look at screens anymore but i still wanted to post something for today since im just gonna upload fics this week so here it is. i havent had a chance to edit it so it's probably all over the place so please bear with me and my no nonsense. gomen, im tired
Butterflies jittered in Makoto's stomach. They twisted and turned and crashed into the internal walls, making her organs feel like they were going to escape from her skeletal structure into the outside world. Of course, biologically that was impossible; this was just a symptom of anxiety coming from the event happening very soon. High amounts of anxiety triggers a flight or fight response; the body's natural trigger to act when faced with an immediate danger. When this occurs, a human's body decides to shut down or rather lower biological needs to allow for quick escape or spikes of adrenaline. The stomach lowers it's digestive rate, making hunger no longer a factor, and sleep doesn't come easy for the pure fact that one needs to run from the threat.
Naturally, the body only did this under extreme conditions and Makoto knew that from her time in the Metaverse and the stress that fell on her during intense studying for exams.
This didn't go to the same extent as trying to fight a shadow version of menacing people but in retrospect, she'd rather be going against the dark than doing what was planned. At least there, clothes were already decided for her and the bad guys had the lowest view of her imaginable so she could only go up from there. But this? For something like this, every little action was going to be scrutinized, judged in the smallest bits. She could breathe wrong or smile at an inappropriate time and that's it. It was going to be all over.
So it wasn't exactly out of her thought process to be filled with nerves. But deep down, she knew it was silly. Her mind just didn't wrap around it yet.
Makoto was supposed to meet at noon but she couldn't sleep and she felt that her lack of skills made her need a bit more time than usual. And it turned out to be true when her fingers kept shaking the eyeliner, making unsteady lines on the rim of her eyelids. She attempted eyeshadow like the way she saw Sae do but instead of clear gradients, the colors splotched together and made her comparable to a circus clown. The first lipstick Makoto tried on turned out to be much brighter than what was advertised so she tried another one that was a few shades darker. That one turned her lips into a blood sucking vampire and immediately dried up, creating cracks. After a long period of time experimenting with makeup, Makoto gave up and rubbed her face dry. She would just have to go out with a natural look.
Then the next hurdle Makoto had to jump over was picking out an outfit. Normally, she juggled between her Shujin academy outfit and a blue sweater that accompanied with dark pants. There was nothing special about them, they were just comfy and allowed her to move at ease without succumbing to a lazy feeling. However, she couldn't resort to that. It would be unprofessional, a tragic in itself! So she mixed and matched outfits. Sometimes she fell in love with the pants but the shirt on top was a disaster. Other times she found the perfect top but it needed a different compliment than pants. This combination of outfits kept churning and churning until she just decided to give up and put on a black dress with white trimmings. She looked like she was going to go to a funky club funeral with it but there was no time left. She needed to hurry.
Makoto quickly glanced at the time before moving on to the next bit-
Glaring back at her was her phone screen telling her it was 11:08.
Anxiety shot through her. How could she be that stupid!? How could she be that careless!? Oh good lord, now she was going to look like she was overly pretentious, rude, stuck up! How could she let that happen!? There was still the train to take and the extra time needed to walk over, especially in shoes that needed patience to break into. Makoto just wanted to shrivel up and die and never see the light of day again.
Maybe she could just call and say she was sick? Yea, yea, that could work! Or she could say that she was stuck up in homework and couldn't come out. It wasn't as believable since her mind screamed obscenities to finish up everything but maybe there would be sympathy points. Or, she could just say that her sister fell down a couple stairs and she needed to tend to her poor ankle. Oh, poor Sae! How could she do her work with a hurt foot-
Red eyes flicked back to the time and now it was 11:12.
This was no time for an existential crisis! She needed to move!
Quickly opening the door, she skidded through the living room to pick up her disheveled bag where all the contents decided to fall out onto the floor at that very moment. Hands quickly hurried to put everything away and-
"Makoto? Is everything alright?"
Just as she put the last item in her bag, a voice snapped her away from her induced mindset. Standing behind her was Sae, her face completely contorted in worry. Makoto wanted to run to her and scream out all her woes but there was no time. The clock was her enemy.
"Oh yes, yes, I'm fine and dandy!" Makoto said a bit more forcibly, still spinning to gather the last things. "I'm just running a bit late is all! Now where are my shoes?"
"Makoto-"
"I could have sworn I had them here."
"Makoto-"
"I made sure to put them out here last night so they would be ready in the morning! Where did they go?"
"Makoto-"
"Oh goodness, I'm just such a mess. How could I be so careless!? Gosh maybe I'm just losing my mind, I'm so stressed I can't even think straight and-!"
Right in front of her stood Sae with the shoes she had been looking for. Makoto wasn't sure when and how her sister got in front of her like that without her seeing but she did and it made her heart jump. "Looking for these Makoto?" Her sister smiled out, Makoto nodding in surprise while she slipped them on. When she finally fully raised back up, her sister firmly placed manicured hands on her shoulders. "What is going on with you?"
"Well, you see, I was so worried about other things that I completely didn't realize what time it was and now I'm running late so I really need to go-!"
"Calm down Makoto. This isn't like other things where you need to be on time. It's just a date and it's a date with Ren. I'm sure he won't mind if you're a few minutes late."
"But what if he does!?"
"Then he's a loser. But I don't see him worrying about that."
"But what about my clothes and makeup and-!"
"He's seen all sides of you Makoto. At this point, I would like to believe that if he's finally asking you on a proper date, it's for more than what you look like."
"And how do you know that? How can you say that so confidently?"
"Because you learn a lot about someone when they're holed up in a small room and giving you their life story. I may know more things about him than you do." Sae gave a wink, then gave one of Makoto's shoulders a small squeeze. "You'll be ok Makoto. Today is just supposed to be fun. Let the weight of the world rest on someone else today. And if you start getting overwhelmed by your surroundings, just do what the doctor told you to do." Makoto nodded her head slowly and Sae let her go. "Go have a good time today and don't be late. You do have homework to do."
"Please don't remind me," Makoto groaned out, leaving the house with Sae's laughter trailing behind.
Fortunately, she managed to make it onto a train and slowly ride her way over to Shibuya. All throughout the ride, her mind kept screaming nonsense to her, ridiculing her and making her think things that she hadn't felt in a while. Her stomach knotted and she could have sworn that people were looking her way, judging her every move, reading her thoughts. Makoto closed her eyes and rested into her brain. The doctor said that whenever she felt this way, she should list facts about the situation and focus on that. Sometimes the mind tricks people into believing the worst of a situation and that they are the center of attention but in all actuality, that wasn't the truth. It was called the spotlight effect. It's a psychological belief that everyone is watching you and noticing every little aspect. It especially happens when one takes a step outside of society's bubble and believes that all eyes are on them in a negative light when in reality, no one pays attention.
So Makoto slowly listed off factual information, letting her body and mind mold into the depths of her subconscious.
My name is Makoto Niijima.
I am 18 years old.
My birthday is April 23rd.
I want to become a police commissioner just like my father.
I have an older sister named Sae Niijima and right now, it's just the two of us.
I used to be a part of the Phantom Thieves. That is where I met all of my friends. That is also how I got to know and become closer to Ren.
And I am going on a date with Ren after he confessed to me in that bar.
The train came to a stop, rattling out Makoto from her thoughts. While she still wasn't 100%, listing them off helped her settle down a bit. It helped her remove herself from the cloud of doubt above her and brought her back to reality.
The reality that she was going to meet Ren in just a few short minutes. Oh how her body butterflied under that.
After crossing roads, moving her blistered feet through the town, trying not to hit passerby, she finally made it to the place they were supposed to meet.
But
No one was there.
She glanced at the time. It was a few minutes past noon, so she wasn't that far off. Oh no. Oh no, did he decide that she was too late? Did he see that she wasn't here and thought she wouldn't be here? Was he so angry that he didn't leave a message or call her or update her? Or worse yet! Did he get into an accident!? She knew he was fearless and strong and oh no, her thoughts kept returning back to how they were but was she that selfish to think it had something to do with her!? No way would he ever want to see her again after this, no way-!
"Sorry I'm late." Makoto quickly spun around and was face to face with Ren, who held a small bouquet of flowers. "I was getting picky with flowers and didn't realize that I spent a lot of time. I hope you aren't too upset," he said bashfully, bringing out the flowers towards her.
"Oh no, you're ok, don't worry about it," Makoto quietly responded, grabbing onto the flowers for her to hold them. A beautiful perfume wafted to her and made everything at ease, as if she found herself in the middle of a park with nature holding onto her safe.
"I hope I didn't make you wait long."
"No, no, actually I admit I just got here myself so you're alright," Makoto relieved him, a soft smile reaching her lips. This whole time, anxiety shot through her that everything would crash and burn if she was late when in reality, he was late himself. Everything turned to ease and the blocks in Makoto's body dissolved, making herself feel free. She skipped closer to him and gave a small kiss on his cheek, a maddening blush heating up on her face. "I'm just glad that you're here now."
"Me too," and his hand cupped the side of her face and brought her closer to kiss her lightly on the lips, making Makoto want to melt into a puddle where she stood. Ren pulled away and his hand trailed down her body until he reached her opposing hand and intertwined his fingers through hers. "Are you ready?"
"Yea, I am."
"Then let's go."
And with that, hand in hand, they walked towards their first destination, without a care in the world. All that worries that traveled with Makoto burst off the moment she saw him and now, she could rest easy knowing that he was there with her. Plus, her sister was right. She always was. Makoto would have to thank her later for that. But for now, her mind was on Ren and Ren alone and that's how she wanted to keep it.