So this chapter starts Jaz's sessions with Xander about her childhood. A slight TW incase you might find this upsetting. It's nothing detailed, just touched on. There is a small flashback in italics. Hope you enjoy!

I don't own The Brave or any of it's characters... But I wish I did!

Chapter 53

Jaz was making her way through the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, after her flight to DC had just touched down. She quickly found her bag on the luggage carousel and made her way towards the exit.

Just outside in the pick-up zone, Amir stood there grinning widely at her. Walking towards him she gave him a big hug, which he returned warmly before both of them got in the car.

"Thanks for coming to pick me up."

"Well it was either this or rearrange Hannah's pantry. You won—just. Her pantry drives me crazy."

"I'm flattered."

They both laughed, before Amir affirmed, "It was my pleasure."

With a smile on her face she took out her phone, "I just need to let Adam know I've arrived."

"Please, he probably had the plane under surveillance."

Jaz couldn't help but laugh loudly, recalling Adam dropping her off at the airport…

Dalton pulled his truck up into the drop off zone. He had originally planned to park and go inside the airport with Jaz, but she insisted that wasn't necessary, it was only a few days.

They both jumped out and Dalton grabbed her bag from the back, putting it down next to her before gathering her around the waist to pull her close. He wrapped her up tightly in his strong arms and she buried her head against his firm chest—her safe place.

They were both just breathing each other in. Dalton was breathing in her fruity apple scented hair and Jaz was breathing in—him. That delicious, masculine, woodsy scent that he permanently emanated.

They eventually, reluctantly pulled back slightly to look at each other.

"You'll be ok?" Dalton wanted to check.

"I'll be fine. Amir is picking me up from the airport and delivering me to the hotel. And other than my appointments with Xander I'll either be exercising, hanging with Amir or talking to you. Other than when I'm in the air, I'll be contactable at all times."

"How do you know I haven't had the plane put under surveillance?"

"Well I wouldn't put it past you," she smirked.

He smirked back at her, both of them knowing that if he wanted the plane surveilled, he could totally arrange that.

"I'll miss you." He whispered softly to her, looking deep into her eyes, wanting to make sure she knew that.

"I'll miss you too."

She leant her forehead against his and just enjoyed being in his arms for a few moments longer.

Just as the guard started to wander over to move Dalton and his truck on, Dalton placed his hands on both her cheeks and kissed her softly but firmly. She felt his lips quiver beneath hers and knew hers were doing the same. It might only be a few days, but being with each other had been the most precious time in their whole entire lives. It would certainly feel like longer.

When they let each other go, it was with one last kiss, their eyes never leaving the others.

"I love you."

"I love you too." She smiled at him, watched him get back into his truck and drive away before she walked into the airport.

"He didn't?" Amir wanted confirmation.

"Nope… At least I don't think so."

She sent Dalton a quick text.

Landed safe and sound and now with Amir on our way to the hotel – Jaz

I know. I have eyes and ears everywhere, remember? ;) – Adam

She rolled her eyes, but couldn't help but smile.

I know you just rolled your eyes – Adam

Please. Everyone would have rolled their eyes at that – Jaz

True – Adam

Having dinner with Amir at the hotel after I've checked in. I'll call you after that – Jaz

Sure thing. Say hi to Amir for me – Adam

"Top says hi," she passed on as she smiled at her phone before putting it away.

"So things are still great then, huh?"

"What makes you say that?"

"The glow on your face is pretty telling," he observed, the smile still all over her face, "it suits you."

"Ok, yeah, things are great. With him at least."

It didn't take Amir's mastery of observation to figure out that there was a reason Jaz was back in DC to see Dr Martin. She hadn't passed on any details when she told him she would be flying in and he hadn't asked. He knew by now that if Jaz was comfortable sharing something—she would. He didn't pry. She must have her reasons, but he was just happy that she was comfortable enough to reach out to him while she was here.

A couple of hours later, Jaz had checked in at the hotel—the same hotel the team usually stayed in—had dinner with Amir and was about to call Adam.

Amir and Hannah had offered for Jaz to stay at the apartment with them but Jaz had appreciatively turned them down, knowing that Hannah still didn't know about her relationship with Adam. She didn't want to have to hide anything or make it awkward or uncomfortable for Amir.

Hannah had understood right away that Jaz would want her own space after her sessions with Xander, and Amir knew she needed her space to be able to be free with her contact with Dalton. Jaz would be seeing Amir each day though and would be having dinner with them both the following evening.

"Hi," she greeted Adam as he picked up on the other end.

"Hi. Who's this?"

"Oh you are just hilarious aren't you?" She couldn't help but grin and roll her eyes as she heard him chuckle on the other end.

"I know you just rolled your eyes."

"Again… everyone would have rolled their eyes at that."

There was that laugh of his again. Deep in his throat, rumbling in his chest and she knew the lines around his eyes were crinkling. She missed it already.

"You all settled in the hotel?" He asked, the laughter still evident in his voice.

"Yeah. Just wondering who's on the other side of my adjoining door."

"So am I. If it's McG, don't answer."

She laughed out loud, but couldn't help but feel sentimental for the last time she was at this hotel. Having Adam on the other side of that door had been a game changer. And a relief. And a million other things. She had slept through the night alone in this hotel, knowing that he was right next door.

It was also in this hotel that he had told her he was in love with her and completely rocked and changed her world. For the better.

Knowing what she was feeling and thinking, Dalton spoke gently down the phone, "Hey, you know if you need me, no matter the time, you can call me, yeah?"

"Yeah, I know." Jaz replied softly, the warmth he always incited in her spreading all through her bloodstream.

"Good."

"I should get some sleep, my appointment with Xander is early. Say goodnight to Cassiopeia and Patton for me?"

She listened to him laugh again as he humoured her, "Sure."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Jaz. Sleep well."

She couldn't wipe the smile off her face as she hung up the phone. He made her feel like a school girl with a crush and it still felt so new to her. The way she feels for him still felt so new. It was exciting, and it certainly made drifting off to sleep all alone that much easier.

The following morning, Jaz made her way to the DIA and was thankful when Xander made her feel instantly comfortable, as always.

"Jaz, it's so good to see you again."

He meant it. Knowing some of Jaz's story and what she had been through had endeared her to him, albeit professionally. He appreciated how truly difficult it had been for her to initially reach out for help, via Sergeant McGuire, and so to do so herself this time around revealed how much progress she had already made.

"Thanks, you too."

"I was glad to hear from you, and I'm guessing this has to do with that remaining dot point on our list? Your Dad." He pushed his notebook forward, indicating the list they had made together during her first appointment with him in DC. They had covered the topics of Hossein, Arthur and Elijah and everything that had come with them.

But this last dot point would have been too much too soon for their last sessions. As advised by Xander, Jaz had lived a little and worked on and practised some of the strategies they had put in place to ease her nightmares. She honestly felt like she had made progress on those and while she knew it would be a continual process for who knows how long, she also deduced that she had the tools to be able to approach this last topic. And by now, she knew Xander was the one to do that with.

Encouraged by Jaz's nodding head, he nodded himself and spoke slowly and purposefully, "Well Jaz, you know how this works. We'll talk about whatever you want to or whatever you need to and it's confidential, unless I have concerns for your welfare. So, where do you want to start with all of this?"

Jaz knew logically that she needed to start at the beginning. She remembered telling him the very first time she had met him in Incirlik, that her father had hated her the moment she was born a girl. So that's where she began.

"My Muslim father couldn't cope with the fact that I was a girl. The lesser gender. I don't have one memory of him that contains any warmth, any love, any tiny snippet of affection. Only disappointment and disdain. He ran a bodega not far from where we lived in the Bronx, and I remember thinking that he was nicer to his customers than he was to me. The best days were when he ignored me; when he just pretended I didn't exist. At least those days he wouldn't…"

She trailed off, with a catch in her throat. She was about to reveal something for only the second time in her life, and the first time had only been two days ago with Adam.

Seeing her struggling to continue, Xander gently guided her, "You only have to tell me what you are comfortable with, Jaz."

She appreciated that, but knew she needed to get this out, "At least those days he wouldn't abuse me."

Xander watched her face as she spoke. He wasn't surprised by the confession; he had suspected as much, but he noticed her face fall as she finally confessed her father's shortcomings. In their previous sessions she had initially been stoic and so strong in the way she had approached those sessions. It was only towards the end of the sessions that she had allowed herself to really open up, to really express herself. This time he could see that right away and was heartened in her approach to this.

Just sitting and waiting for her to continue when she was ready, she finally spoke and told Xander everything she had told Dalton—and more. From the first bruise. The burns. The stitches. The fractured wrist. The put downs. The shorn hair. The avoidance and ignorance from her mother. The initial pain. The questioning of why. The eventual complacency. The waiting it out. And the day she walked out the door.

"I signed up for the army as soon as I could, and I haven't been back, or seen or heard from either of them since." She finished off after talking for what felt like an eternity.

Her chest was heaving like she had been running a marathon. To some degree she had; an emotional marathon. She had kept all of this bottled up for so many years, it had all come tumbling out at once. She hadn't realised how emotionally taxing this would be and when she raised her had to brush at a tickle on her cheek, she learned it was a tear and putting both hands to her cheeks, she was stunned at the tears streaming down her face.

Brushing at them quickly, she stubbornly but gratefully accepted a tissue from the box Xander edged towards her. Despite what she had just revealed, despite the tears she was embarrassed about, and despite her aching chest, she was glad it was out. She was proud of herself for speaking her truth; her story.

Acknowledging the enormity of her story and giving it the weight it deserved, Xander left it a few moments before he spoke. He let it just sit; with both himself and her. He knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but to hear the extent of it broke his heart for the tough soldier sitting in front of him.

When he finally spoke, it was with compassion, "Thank you for sharing that with me, Jaz. Owning your story is the bravest thing you can ever do."

Still wiping at the tears, Jaz just mumbled, "Sorry," indicating to the tissues as she plucked another one from the box.

"Never, ever apologise for showing emotion. It shows strength. But I want to start by saying that what happened was not your fault. You were let down very badly by the two people who were supposed to love and care for you unconditionally. You not only suffered physical abuse—that much is obvious—but emotional abuse too.

Jaz tilted her head in question.

To support what he was saying, Xander started to reel off symptoms of childhood emotional neglect, "Loneliness, difficulty connecting with feelings, uncertainty of feelings, feeling out of place like you don't fit in, difficulty asking for help or the need to depend on others. Not to mention high levels of guilt, shame and anger. Feeling unimportant or inadequate, and burying or avoiding your feelings."

Jaz was silently taking in every word, her eyes wide.

"This was not your fault, Jaz." Xander reiterated, softly but firmly.

After a few more moments of silence, Xander continued, "People cannot put traumatic events behind them until they are able to acknowledge what has happened and start to recognise the invisible demons they're struggling with. We've talked about this before, but the more of your trauma that you share, the less power you give to whatever pains you."

"Trauma?"

"Yeah, trauma. Trauma is anything that overwhelms the brain's ability to cope, and your nightmares, the guilt that you've felt due to facets of your job, and your struggle with your internal feelings are all representative of that. I would say that you were forced to mature early because life showed you the worst side of the world at an early age."

Jaz continued to stare at him, taking in his words.

Wanting to further explain, Xander continued, "Due to childhood trauma filled with abuse and neglect, you were prone to possibly missing some development milestones, hence why it can be difficult in adult life to regulate, experience or demonstrate emotions. Sounding familiar?"

Jaz nodded her head slowly.

"There's a concept called trapped trauma. It manifests in our bodies and has a life of its own. When we internalise the abuse or abuser, we remain bonded to them. We continue to re-live and re-create that abuse over and over again, often in our dreams or our subconscious, or just simply in our thoughts and actions."

What Xander was describing made a lot of sense to Jaz. It certainly explained her difficulties in forming and maintaining relationships. It certainly explained her nightmares and protectiveness over children in particular. It also explained her initial wariness of her feelings for Adam, as well as her disbelief that he could actually be in love with her. That she was worthy of such a love.

"We've discussed previously some methods of coping when it all seems too much, and I think it's pretty obvious that you've been practicing some of those. I know you were working on the journaling and being present in the moment; appreciating what you do have as opposed to what you don't have."

Jaz nodded her head once again, knowing that she had definitely been working on both of those strategies.

"Physical activity also assists with reducing any stress you might feel, however I know from the way we first met that that is already a part of your daily routine, so another suggestion would be getting a pet. Now, I know this might be hard considering your job, but they are excellent companions when it all feels like too much. They don't answer back, they offer a sense of safety and they can have a really calming influence on you which can help reduce both physical and psychological reactivity."

A small smile crossed Jaz's face as she began to explain about Patton and how he is basically Adam's dog but she spends a lot of time with him. Then she explained about Cassiopeia.

"Adam bought her for me, and I actually love just sitting and watching her swimming around in her bowl. I find it really peaceful. I can definitely see how pets can assist with trauma."

Xander was really pleased with what he was hearing. Jaz was certainly going about bettering this situation as best she could. Sure, she was a work-in-progress, but she was on her way. He picked his next words carefully.

"In some ways, Jaz, your past has shaped you into who you are now. But you can heal from here. You deserve to heal from here. You deserve to no longer feel controlled by your past. Remember though, it's a process. It's going to take time, but you will make it as long as you don't give up. I know we've mentioned this before, but it's ok to feel however you're feeling about all of this. Anger, resentment, hatred, sadness and whatever else. You can validate the impact of trauma without erasing the fact that you have the power to heal from it. You can do both. But be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can."

Xander had such a way of speaking, that even though she had just shared her deep shame, she was feeling instantly calmed and soothed by his words. She was right about the choice to come to DC. It was the best thing she could've done.

"Can I ask one more question?"

Jaz just nodded.

"Have you ever told anyone else about this?"

Jaz face instantly softened and despite the emotion of the last half an hour, a small smile crossed her face, "I told Adam. Just the day before yesterday actually. That's what got this all rolling."

Xander matched her soft smile, "Good. I'm glad."

Following her first session with Xander, Jaz hit the gym upon returning to the hotel and hit the punching bag pretty hard. Punching things or shooting things was her outlet, and she had a lot to punch out in this circumstance.

She was definitely feeling somewhat better after her session, but exhausted at the same time. It had pulled at some emotions that she hadn't been aware of at the time, that she hadn't experienced in years, but they had taken their toll on her. She felt mentally drained, so getting in the gym helped relieve that. In the space of two days she had shared her story with two people. Both of whom have significantly changed her life for the better. She was determined that now she had started this journey, she was committed to following it through and was curious as to where it would take her.

As she finished up and hung her boxing gloves around her neck to walk back to her room, she saw a text from Adam on her screen.

Been thinking about you – Adam

Been thinking about you too – Jaz

You good? – Adam

I'm ok. The session with Xander was… emotional but good – Jaz

*heart emoji* - Adam

You're like a new man with your emojis – Jaz

I thought you like my use of emojis? – Adam

I *heart emoji* your use of emojis – Jaz

Call me later? – Adam

Jaz hit call on her phone.

"Or now." He answered.

She smiled, "It's later than when you sent me the text."

"That's true. Sure you're ok?"

"Yeah I'm ok. I shared everything that I told you with Xander, and we left it at that today. I'm going to continue with the journaling. He reminded me that it's a powerful tool for healing, as we both know. But also that it's a powerful tool for healing from childhood trauma."

Adam's heart ached at that. He hated the fact that Jaz had been through everything she had. It had made thinking of losing Elijah and her capture in Tehran, all the worse. He wished she hadn't had to experience any of that, but there's no going backwards, just moving forward as best she could.

"Xander once told me that trauma creates change you don't choose. Healing creates change you do choose."

"He said some similar stuff to me today too."

"He's good people." Dalton smiled, even though she couldn't see it.

"Yeah, he is."

"What are you doing the rest of the day?"

"I've just been to the gym—"

"Been punching things?" He interrupted.

"You know it. I'm going to shower and then nap. I'm exhausted."

"Good plan."

"I'm having dinner with Amir and Hannah tonight."

"Amir cooking?"

"I hope so."

They both laughed, and Jaz's heart already felt lighter just speaking with him.

"Go rest up and I'll speak to you later."

"Ok. Hey is Cass ok?"

"Oh right, I better feed her."

"Not funny."

"I thought it was."

"I want picture evidence later that she's alive and well."

"I think I can handle that."

She smiled and said softly, "I miss you."

"I miss you too. A lot."

Not too long later, Jaz practically passed out into a deep nap. She was emotionally drained, and now physically too from her boxing session. Feeling a little lighter and smiling from the beautiful man in her life, she drifted off quite easily.

Dinner that evening at Hannah's apartment was a lot of fun.

Amir cooked dinner—as if there had been any doubt—and Hannah and Jaz shared a bottle of wine that went perfectly with Amir's homemade pasta.

It was pretty clear that Amir and Hannah were enjoying their time together. Domestic bliss didn't just exist in the Blue Ridge Mountains, it would seem. They seemed so easy and comfortable with each other, it even made Jaz's once cynical heart soften.

She had softened considerably during this bout of leave, but if she was feeling empathy to another couple's relationship, she knew she had come a long way.

It was hard not to envy them for the freedom they had in their relationship. They were free to be open in their affection for one another, when appropriate of course. The entire team knew of their relationship, both the field team and the DC based team. It was a situation that she and Adam could not venture.

Refusing to linger on that now, Jaz zoned back in to the conversation Hannah and Amir were having about McG.

"Surely we have to know someone single to set him up with. He's a good looking guy, he would be a great catch." Hannah mused.

"Good looking?" Amir questioned.

"Yeah. I mean it's just an observation. You agree with me right Jaz?"

"He's like my brother; I don't see him that way."

"Oh come on. You can't tell me that when you first met him, you didn't find him attractive?"

"I guess I could see it. I've just never thought of him like that. But I can see how others would throw themselves at him. Actually I've seen it happen."

"In every country." Amir grumbled.

"You guys have to admit; you have a great looking team. All the men are handsome. Jaz, you're gorgeous. I mean, Dalton right. He's the epitome of ruggedly handsome." Hannah looked towards Jaz again for agreement.

"Oh, umm—" Jaz did her best not to seem flustered, and to try and control the flush in her cheeks, "yeah, I guess."

"I bet he drives women crazy wherever he goes."

"Dessert's ready." Amir interrupted loudly placing an apple crumble fresh from the oven on the table. Jaz could have kissed him for the distraction. Seeing that very intent in his eyes, she silently thanked him, using only her eyes, which he in turn acknowledged in a way only a master of disguising their feelings could do.

"Just to clarify," he spoke to Hannah, "you find all the members of the team handsome?"

Hannah smiled and placed a hand on his cheek, "You're the most handsome."

"That's what I thought." He said quietly before she leaned over and kissed him.

Once again a pang of envy hit Jaz, before she used that delicious apple crumble as the distraction Amir had meant it to be.

Amir had driven her back to the hotel and he was going to see her after her appointment with Xander the next day.

Jaz was eager to get into bed and speak with Adam. They had been communicating nonstop since she had been in DC, but she never would have guessed that she would miss him this much.

Hearing his voice was still one of her favourite things ever and as they spoke, and Jaz told him more about her session with Xander that morning, as well as her dinner with Hannah and Amir, the sense of peace she always felt with him worked its way through her entire body. Granted it wasn't the same as lying curled up with him in bed, but hearing his voice at the end of a long and emotional day made her feel like she actually belonged to something.

Belonged to someone.

She was an equal member in a relationship.

And thinking of what Xander had said to her today about the symptoms of childhood emotional neglect—loneliness, difficulty connecting with feelings, uncertainty of feeling, among others—she knew she was definitely making progress.

If there was one thing she was absolutely sure about, it was that she was completely, profoundly, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in love with Adam Dalton.

Well this one and the following chapter were a little heavy to write, so I hope it reads ok.

I would really love your feedback.

Thanks to all you beautiful people who read, leave kudos and especially those who comment - it is so greatly appreciated.

Much love to you all XXX