Firstly, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the lovely feedback about the last chapter. It was difficult to write, so I appreciate your comments more than I can say. Sorry I haven't had a chance to reply to them all yet. Secondly, apologies for taking a little longer to upload this chapter than normal - but I hope you enjoy it. As always, I would recommend that you re-read the previous chapter prior to reading this.

I don't own The Brave or any of its characters... But I wish I did!

Chapter 54

"So how do you feel after yesterday's session?" Xander asked Jaz at their second appointment.

"Truthfully, I was exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally. I actually slept like the dead last night too, which I was surprised at. Having said that, I do feel a little… freer at having shared it with someone—or someone else." Jaz mused.

Xander nodded his head and smiled, "Good".

He was genuinely happy to hear that but he was also amused at her answer. The Jaz he had met in Incirlik was a woman of one-word answers and scowls. This Jaz here and now, thought about her answers and was becoming more comfortable with her own feelings and insights.

"Ok. Why don't you try and share with me the circumstances that led you to contact me about this. I'm assuming something triggered you?"

Jaz took a deep breath. She had been thinking about this. About why this was the right time. About why she had made the decision to talk to Xander now.

She knew why. Fuelled with the new confidence she had in these sessions with Xander, she began to speak.

"I met Dalton's—Adam's—family."

Jaz paused then, and Xander let her have that time, to process whatever else she needed to say.

"He has some young nieces and nephews and they noticed the scars on my legs. They asked about them so innocently, like I had just fallen down on the path. They called them owies and then his youngest niece kissed them better."

"Out of the mouths of babes." Xander said softly.

Jaz had a tender smile on her face as she recalled that moment. She remembered the tears prickling her eyes and not been able to answer due to the lump in her throat.

"I know they're just kids, but it was the first time in however long that anyone has seen me without automatically just seeing or knowing me as a soldier; without knowing that the scars, all the scars come with baggage. They asked about them, kissed them better and that was that. They went swimming. It was as simple as that. No big deal. I guess that's how I would like to feel about them, if that's even possible."

Sensing there was more, Xander stayed silent had a look of encouragement on his face. Jaz wanted to smirk. He was good. He knew there was more, and he was right. But what was on the tip of her tongue was something she hadn't shared with anyone, not even Adam.

"I guess…" she started tentatively, "I guess that being with his family made me curious…"

"About what?" Xander encouraged when she hesitated.

"About—about what it might be like to have my own family one day."

After whispering that last sentence, she needed to pause momentarily. She hadn't told anyone that; that much was true. But she hadn't said it out loud either; hadn't heard the words roll off her tongue. That was probably the biggest shock for her.

Seeing her struggle, Xander asked her gently, "Have you ever thought about it before?"

Jaz shook her head, "No. Well not really. I've always assumed that it wasn't a path I was meant to walk down, what with my family and all. Preach asked me about it once and I told him that I'd consider it if I could get it in writing that it wouldn't be anything like mine. I wasn't joking. But then Arthur brought it up when I was being held captive. He told me I was denying myself the chance to find love and have a family. Prior to that I would have laughed in his face, but as he said it, it was like something awoke in me, I hadn't even known I'd wanted that until then. I hadn't given it too much thought until these past couple of days. I have no basis for what a normal family environment is like, what if I was to make the same mistake as my own? What if I'm predisposed to be just like them? What if being part of a family just isn't in my make-up?"

"I would challenge, that you are already part of a family." Xander stated.

Jaz looked up at him.

"I know you're not biologically related, but your omega team is the closest I've ever seen. Family doesn't always have to be blood, and I've seen you with them. You care for them. You would lay down your life for them, and they for you. If that's not family, I don't know what is."

The feeling of warmth that her team gave her washed over her, and she knew his words were true, but…

"But that's not what you meant." Xander read her mind.

"It's just not something I'd ever thought of before or even considered. And yet these mini Dalton's, who I had never met before, showed me such innocent kindness—it's like it just triggered something in me. And then I got thinking about my dad, and then I told Dalton about my scars and saw how angry and upset he was about them, and then it all just started playing on my mind. So here I am, confused as to how I got here, and just… confused." Jaz knew she was rambling, but was glad to get it all out.

"Well I will say that triggers can happen when you least expect them, sometimes at the most frustrating times, but don't confuse your path in life with your destination, Jaz. You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. That's within your power. History only repeats itself if you let it, and I know you well enough by now to know that that's the last thing you want to happen."

"I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone. I would rather not have a family then let history repeat itself." She confessed.

"Well you may choose to take that path, and I think it would be perfectly understandable if you did. But I would dare to suggest that you would be the perfect person to ensure history wouldn't repeat itself. You said it yourself, you wouldn't wish your childhood on anyone. It may not feel like it now, but you are a survivor, Jaz. You have endured adversity, moved through it and persevered. You're incredibly resilient given the challenges you've been set in life, and I would say that that is what you have to offer any future family. Despite everything, you've remained undefeated and you're in the process of healing. A little tender at times, sure. But who isn't?"

Xander's words are something that Jaz hadn't considered. Her experiences in life, while they have knocked her down, could be the very concepts that ensure she stands successfully on her own two feet. She hadn't thought about it like that before.

When she told him as much, he smiled in that kind, gentle way of his, "Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives. It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to, has power over you, if you allow it."

After once again taking in his words, she smirked at him, "Everything you say always makes so much sense."

"That still annoys you doesn't it?" Xander teased, sensing a lighter moment and they laughed together.

"I have one more question for you, if you'll allow me to ask it." He proposed.

"Do I even have a choice at this stage?" Jaz asked, but only teasing.

Smiling, he continued, "Have you spoken to Adam about this? About wondering what it might be like to have your own family? Excuse me if I'm being presumptuous, but I'm assuming you've wondered about having a family with him."

Jaz looked down at her hands in her lap, the question not stumping her, but being a vivid reminder of their situation. Looking back up at him, she was as honest as she could be, "Yeah it was him I wondered about. And no I haven't spoken to him about it. This was only a few days ago, processing it all has been… well I'm still processing it. And— "

She broke off temporarily, biting her lip while she thoughts for a moment.

"And our situation is still… unclear. Not about how we feel about each other, but about what it means moving forward, long term."

"You haven't had that conversation yet?"

"No." Jaz answered at barely a whisper, Xander sensing the sensitivity of the topic.

"Well look, you've still got time to figure that out. And believe me when I say that I hope it all works out, I'm rooting for you guys. It's your choice whether you reveal your thoughts on family with him or not, of course, but give it some thought."

"I will." She confirmed.

"Be gentle with yourself, Jaz. You're doing the best you can, under so many difficult and extraordinary circumstances."

Jaz left Xander's office, just as mentally exhausted as she was yesterday. Until this bout of leave she had always kept things buried deep, but now that she was digging into her psyche and her feelings, she was more mentally drained than ever before.

So much so, that she nearly bumped straight into Patricia in the corridor.

"Oh hey, Jaz!" Patricia exclaimed.

"Deputy Director. Sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going."

"Please, it's Patricia. Is everything ok? I didn't know you were in town." She asked, noticing the weariness on Jaz's face.

"Yeah, I'm just having a few more sessions with Dr Martin."

"Does Dalton know you're here?"

"He does. I let him know I was coming here." She confirmed, not even having to lie.

Patricia looked at her with that way of hers, like she was looking right into your soul.

"Good," she answered quietly, "You let me know if you need anything. How much longer will you be here?"

Jaz wasn't exactly sure, "Another day or two I think. I'll see how it goes with Dr Martin."

"Ok, well make sure to stop in with me before you leave again ok. It's good seeing you."

"Will do. Thanks, you too."

Jaz continued down the corridor and held her breath until she was in the elevator. She hadn't said anything wrong, but Patricia just had that way about her, like she could read your mind. It unnerved Jaz, and while Patricia had never been anything but nice to her, she knew what she was capable of.

Dalton had spent the morning out hiking with Patton. He had pushed himself relatively hard given all the s'mores he had been eating lately. He had hiked to a view point he had taken Jaz to several times, and as always the view was spectacular. He took a few photos so he could send them to Jaz, but just as he was about to send them, his phone rang.

He smiled as he answered, "Hey, I was just about to send you a couple of photos."

Jaz grinned at the other end and asked a little suggestively, "Oh really?"

"Not that type of photo." Dalton teased.

"What type are you talking about?"

"What type are you talking about?"

"Trees. Mountains. Nature."

Dalton baited her a little more, "Ok, I'll delete the topless ones then."

"Oh hey, let's not be hasty."

They both laughed, and both loved hearing the others' laugh, even if it was down the phone.

"How did your session with Xander go earlier?" Dalton asked softly.

"It was… another mind fuck." She huffed out a laugh before continuing, "I mean, it went as well as these things can go I suppose. There's lots for me to think about. I've actually just been writing in my journal, getting some stuff out while it was still fresh in my mind."

"I've been thinking about you. I know this can't be easy."

"It's not, but it's what I need to do. Tell me about you, what else are you doing with your day?"

Dalton was happy to be a distraction if that's what Jaz needed.

"I'm actually going to Sarah's for dinner tonight. Katie text last night and I mentioned you were away for a few days so of course she assumed that I couldn't take care of myself and insisted I join them at Sarah's tonight. I'll take Patton with me, the boys will love it."

Jaz smiled, almost a little jealous to be missing out on time with them all again, "The boy's will freak out. Sounds like fun."

"I wish you were coming with me." Dalton added wistfully.

"Me too." Jaz agreed quietly, mostly just missing being with him right then.

Dalton could hear it in her voice, "You ok?"

"Yeah, I just miss Cassiopeia."

"Ah, I see how it is."

Jaz smiled at the other end, "I miss you too."

"Oh well that's a relief. I love you, Jaz. We got this, it's just a couple more days." Despite their teasing, he had heard the slight catch in her voice and wanted to reassure her.

"You're right. I'll let you go, but talk later?"

"Definitely."

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

Despite missing her terribly, Dalton hung up the phone with a grin that only Jaz could bring to his face. He couldn't even remember what it was like not being with her. That all felt like a different life time. He may not know what the future held for them, but he knew he didn't want to be without her.

He and Patton set back off towards the cabin. He went straight in the shower when he returned to wash off the dirt and sweat and when he finished, with his towel around his waist, a thought crossed his mind and he did something he had never, ever done in his life. And never, ever thought he would.

He took a mirror selfie.

What the fuck had happened to him?

Feeling a little ridiculous, but cheeky at the same time, he sent Jaz the pictures from the viewpoint, and then sent his selfie too, before throwing his phone on his bed with a shake of his head. What was she doing to him? Thank fuck McG couldn't see him now. He would never live it down.

The smile on Jaz's face when she saw the selfie could have lit up the entire solar system. She couldn't stop staring at it. I mean who could? Adam Dalton was a mighty fine specimen. She was one of the very few who had seen all of Adam Dalton, and she certainly didn't take that lightly.

His physicality was something to behold. His broad shoulders and well-toned physique came from the endless physical training of their jobs. She was surrounded by men whose anatomy were one's to be admired and sought after, and yet not many had drawn her attention.

Until Adam that was. Even well before their current situation, there was just something about his blatant and unapologetic masculinity that had her sneaking glances whenever she could. They lived in close quarters and often had to change in front of each other on missions. It had never been inappropriate, but sometimes just a quick visual of Adam Dalton brightened her day.

She literally lay on the bed in her hotel room and giggled at his selfie, surprised that he had firstly even taken one, and secondly that he had actually sent it to her. She briefly thought about sending him one back, but it slipped her mind as the journal on her bed caught her eye.

While her session with Xander was still fresh in her mind, she had opened it up and let all her thoughts and feelings flow on the previously unmarked pages. She had filled so many pages she was amazed her hand wasn't sore.

It was truly amazing how lighter she felt having spoken with Xander and writing in her journal; like a small burden had been lifted. Prior to this bout of leave she had been somewhat of a cynic when it came to therapy or anything similar, but now after reaping some of its benefits, she was certainly turning into an advocate.

Reading back through what she had written, it's as if the words on the pages came to life before her very eyes and she just knew what she wanted to do, or rather what she needed to do.

She knew what would help her; she knew what she could do to further assist her healing.

"I need to go back to New York." Jaz revealed definitively to Xander the next morning.

Nodding his head at her, hearing the decisive tone in her voice, "Ok. Talk me through this decision."

Jaz had been thinking about this for most of the night so with a deep breath she launched into her reasoning, "Obviously New York holds nothing but bad memories for me. I feel like my life didn't really start until I left. At the beginning of this leave I went back to New York because I didn't really have any other place to go. Elijah was gone and I wasn't comfortable being with his family for the whole time without him being there. There was nowhere else so I went to the only place I had some sort of knowledge about. I had intended to travel, but I didn't even make it ten days in the city before I fled. The nightmares were too much. I'm not saying that it will ever be home, but I'd like to be able to go there without the instant onslaught of memories from my childhood. I want to take back my city." She chuckled then, "I realise that makes me sound like a super hero. I just want to be able to feel comfortable there, and not like I need to run every time."

"That makes a lot of sense, Jaz."

Xander sat there a little longer to see if Jaz offered anything else, but as he just watched the contemplative look on her face he broached gently, "Do you intend to see your family?"

Looking him in the eye, Jaz was completely honest, "I don't know. I don't think so," she took a breath before continuing, "I don't even know if they are still in the same place. I've had no contact since I left, and as far as I know, they've pursued no contact with me. They aren't my family. They're just the people who I'm unfortunate enough to share genetic make-up with."

Once again, Xander just nodded at her words and understood them. The way she felt was completely justifiable. The way she had been treated had been beyond reprehensible and if she felt this was what she needed to do, then Xander would support that fully."

"It sounds like a good idea."

"Yeah?" Jaz asked. While still confident in her own decision, it was still a relief to know that Xander supported her decision.

"Absolutely. I think this will really give you some peace, and help you to continue to heal and grow. I'm not saying it will give you closure, but it might help you to close some doors. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they no longer lead somewhere. However, I will say again that triggers can happen when you least expect them. When you think all the emotional wounds are healed something can happen that reminds you there is still a scar, whether that be literal or metaphorical. Just keep that in mind."

"I will." Jaz said appreciatively.

"Also, I'm just going to get this all out because it's my job and because I care about your welfare," he smiled warmly at her before continuing, "The past is just a glimpse into your story, it does not define your future. It doesn't define you. You have the choice to begin again whenever you are ready. It doesn't mean you forget the past, it means you learn to accept it and move forward gracefully at your own pace. That can be easier said than done, but you're definitely going the right way about trying to achieve that. I said this to you a couple of days ago, but as a reminder, remember it's a process. It's going to take time, but you will make it as long as you don't give up. Any personal growth that comes after abuse is a testimony to the strength of the survivor, and Jaz, in all honestly, you are perhaps the strongest person I have come across."

Jaz felt a flush warm her cheeks and whispered, "Thank you." She would probably never be able to express to Xander how much his words meant to her. She had thought she was just a lost cause, but he had really helped her to see that that wasn't the case.

After another few moments, Xander approached some of the logistics, "So who will you be telling about your trip to New York?"

Jaz smirked, "Don't worry, I'm not going dark. I'll tell Adam and the rest of the team. I'm also going to go and see the Deputy Director after this, to keep her in the loop."

"Good move." Xander agreed. "Remember that I am always a phone call or text away and if you feel like you need more sessions, we can arrange that. Try and keep up with what we have discussed, and just remember that healing is not linear. There will be good times and dark times. You are not magically healed, but you are certainly going the right way about making a difference and if today you are a little better than yesterday, then that's enough."

She stood up and thanked him for all of his time. She didn't have the words to honestly express all her appreciation, but when she reached the door she turned around and said sincerely but with her signature smirk, "You're good people, Xander."

A little taken aback, Xander smiled and returned with, "So are you, Jaz. And if our paths cross in Incirlik again, I will beat you at that game."

Jaz scoffed, "Yeah good luck with that."

Jaz walked straight around to Patricia's office to let her know her plans and because she had promised to keep her updated.

Patricia was surprised to hear Jaz wanted to go to New York, but understood the reasons why with the little she actually knew about Jaz's background.

"When are you planning to go?"

"I'm going to spend the night here and catch up with Amir again and then I'll try and get an early flight tomorrow morning. I'm going to go and look for a hotel or Air Bnb now."

"Sounds like you've thought this out. I admire this quest of yours, Jaz. Please let me know if I can be of assistance with anything."

"Thank you." Jaz said appreciatively.

Never entirely comfortable in Patricia's presence, particularly at the moment, she didn't linger too long. It was still only early in the morning, so she headed back to the hotel for a swim.

As she swam long and steady strokes, she took the time to process today's session. She knew she had made the right decision to go to New York, and although she had her trepidations, it's what she needed to do.

Other than a cute good morning text from Adam this morning, she hadn't spoken to him yet or told him of her decision. He had been at his sister's until late the night before, and although they had exchanged good night texts, they hadn't actually spoken.

When she was done with her swim, and back in her room, she tried calling him but it rang out. She left a quick message saying she would call again soon, and an hour or so later she got a text from him.

Sorry I missed your call, been taking care of some errands. Talk soon? – Adam

Sure. Give me a call when you're free – Jaz

So she spent the afternoon securing herself a flight, and browsed the internet for a place to stay for a couple of nights. She ended up booking an Air BnB apartment close to her old neighbourhood. It was two bedrooms and entirely too big for herself, but it was cheap and clean. That sealed the deal.

Once that was all done, she tried calling Adam again, and when she got his voicemail again, she was disappointed but ended up leaving a message telling him of her decision. She had wanted to tell him while he was actually on the receiving end, but it was getting later in the day and she didn't want to wait until this evening to tell him she wouldn't be coming back to the mountains tomorrow.

When she still hadn't heard from him by the time she met Amir in the hotel restaurant for dinner, she wasn't worried as such, but it was playing on her mind. Thankfully Amir kept her entertained discussing their upcoming trip to Montana to see McG. Amir seemed genuinely excited and Jaz knew that although he and McG teased each other endlessly, they really were like brothers.

Sorry! It's been a day. Call me when you get back to your room. Say hi to Amir – Adam

Thank goodness. With one message, she felt better and couldn't wait to call him and tell him about her plans.

I've missed you – Jaz

She sent that last quick text before turning back to Amir who already knew that whatever message she had just received had brightened her demeanour. No doubt in the world that Top had sent the message.

Looking at the text he had just received on his own phone, he started to stand up to leave.

Jaz raised her eyebrows, "Been summoned home?"

Amir at least had the decency to look a little embarrassed, "Something like that."

She chuckled at the look on his face and stood as Amir went to pay for their dinner. They hugged goodnight in the lobby with Amir promising to drive her to the airport the next morning, and Jaz made her way back to her room, looking forward to being able to finally talk to Adam.

With her phone open in front of her, ready to hit dial as soon as she stepped in her room, she was startled by the hand she felt on her shoulder as she closed the door to her room. Dropping her phone instantly and grabbing the wrist of her assailant, she leaned over and used her body weight to flip them over so they were flat on their back. In full soldier mode, she rolled them over quickly, drove her knee into the small of their back while she had hold of their wrists tightly in one hand; the other holding their head against the floor.

In that position, despite the adrenaline running through her body and the anger that someone had dared to break into her room, a woodsy, masculine scent began to permeate her senses invoking an almost automatic sense of calm and familiarity to wash over her. Knowing that scent anywhere, she quickly stood up, and leapt for the light switch.

"Adam?" She asked incredulously, not quite believing the sight of the prone figure in front of her as he rolled onto his back, breathing heavily from her quick defence.

"I missed you too, Jaz."

So I figured that Jaz probably needed to go back to New York to face whatever she needs to face there. But at this stage of their relationship, I also figured, that she needs/wants Dalton there with her. Jaz has evolved so much in this story, that I thought to continue to do so, this part of the story needed to be explored.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter - as always, I would LOVE to know what you thought.

Much love to all of you XXX