I Can't Believe It's Not 15 IBRC Certification

By Lord Raa

Disclaim-me-do: It's not voyeurism, it's intelligence gathering!
Chapter 2
Shinji looked up to see the person that was blocking his path.

"M-Misato-san? What are you doing here?"

"Well, it seems that the young man that I'm looking after is causing trouble by streaking across school. Care to explain that one?" the purple haired beauty demanded.

"Well, the thing is, there was this sempai, and he was going to beat me up, but he gave me streaking as another option. And I thought that since I could be asked to, you know at any time," the pilot explained, hoping that his classmates weren't watching him and his guardian.

"Whoa, who's the babe?!" one of the male students asked.

"Yeah, she's hot!"

"Thanks boys," Misato winked. "Shinji, I think that we had better continue our talk in private."

"Ok, Misato-san," Shinji nodded.

Hikari, having fought her way to the front of the crowd, finally got a good look at Misato.

"D-do you star in Rokku Haado's films too?" she blurted out, feeling rather jealous of the older woman's impressive figure.

Misato blinked. "Where have I heard the name Rokku Haado before?"

"He's directed and starred in porno films," Kensuke explained, finally getting his mouth working when he saw the voluptuous woman standing before the crowd.

"Err… no, I'm not a pornstar," the Captain replied. "I'm Captain Katsuragi, Chief Tactical Operations Officer of NERV."

"Then what do you want with Ikari-kun?" Hikari asked. "What does he have to do with NERV?"

"Shinji-kun here is… he's the Commander's son," Misato explained, realising that it would be best if her ward's true status in NERV was kept secret for a bit longer. "And well, we need to get going."

"Why would someone as… important as you pick up the boss's son from school?" Kensuke asked, wiping a small amount of drool from his lips as his eyes continued to roam over the gorgeous woman.

"I'm not here to collect Shinji-kun; I'm here to sort out a problem from earlier."

"Oh, you mean when he breached several indecency laws?" Hikari asked before turning to glare at the bespectacled teenager to her right. "And you, Aida-kun, have you no manners? Stop drooling over Captain Katsuragi!"

"But she's…" the men replied in chorus.

"Stop that all of you!" the pigtailed girl shouted angrily. "You're all disgusting pigs!"

"Thank you, young lady," Misato smiled in appreciation. "What's your name?"

"Hikari Horaki."

'She seems to be a responsible person, maybe she can help reign Shinji in?' the purple haired woman asked herself. "Well, Miss Horaki. It's nice to know that some of you youngsters still have manners. Come on, Shinji, it's time for us to go."

Hikari was looking rather flustered when she realised that it was time for her to start preparing dinner for her family.

It was something that her older sister, Kodama had noticed when she came to check up on dinner.

"What's up, Hikari-chan?"

"What makes you think that anything's up, Nee-chan?"

"Nothing much, except for the fact that your face is as red as the tomatoes you're cutting and you're about to put sugar in the miso soup. So go on, tell your big sister about what's bothering you," Kodama smiled reassuringly.

"Ok, well, it's the new student in my class. He's a bit unusual," Hikari started, finding her fingers rather interesting.

"Oh? Has my responsible sister finally noticed that not all boys are completely worthless sacks of meat?"

"Well, he's different to the others in the school, yes, but you see, it's who he used to live with before he came to Tokyo-3…"

"Oh? Did he know someone rich and famous?" Kodama asked, closing the gap between the two of them.

"S-sort of…" Hikari blushed. "H-he use to live with someone called 'Rokku Haado'."

"'Rokku Haado' the pornstar? Bloody hell, he does know someone rich and famous."

"…" the middle Horaki sister blinked. "H-how do you know about that sort of thing?"

"The internet, where else?" the voluptuous Horaki smirked knowingly. "So, what's this boy like?"

"Well, he is kinda cute, but he's a bit weird."

"What sort of weird? Is he a furry?" Kodama asked with a slight green tinge to her face.

"No, at least, I don't think so," Hikari replied. "He didn't look particularly hairy…"

"So he's got normal length hair then?"

"Yeah, but I wasn't talking about tha…" The younger sister quickly covered her mouth when she realised that she'd let something slip that she shouldn't have.

"Oh, is my little sister peeping on boys now?" Kodama teased. "Because, I didn't think that you were that sort of person, Hikari-chan."

"Nee-chan, it's not like that!" Hikari hissed.

"Then explain how you know just how hairy the new student is."

"He says he was forced to walk across the campus naked because of a sempai," the Class Rep explained, her cheek burning brightly with embarrassment. "I think that everyone in school got a good look at him."

"…" Kodama stood in stunned silence. "Just what sort of debauched antics do you middle schoolers get up to?"

"I know! I couldn't believe that Ikari-kun didn't even bat an eyelid at being made to walk across the school yard completely naked! He wasn't even bothered when I told him off for dawdling!" Hikari ranted.

"I see. So, how big was he?"

"About so… Hey! You're not supposed to be rude like that, Nee-chan!"

Kodama's only response was laughter as she ran off to her room to chat with her friends.

"So, aside from your public nudity, how was your first day at school?" Misato asked the teenager as he prepared dinner.

"It was ok, I think I made a friend in my class," Shinji replied with an honest smile.

"That's nice to hear," the purple-haired woman nodded before taking a drink of her beer. "So, what's it like living with the infamous Rokku Haado?"

The pilot blushed as the name brought back memories of the first time he saw four sweaty naked bodies writhing and grunting in ecstasy in front of several cameras.

"It was an eye opener," he replied. "Would you like to meet him, Misato-san?"

Misato coughed as some of her beer went down her windpipe. "No, that's fine, Shinji-kun. Really."

"Oh, ok. Would you like to meet Uncle Ivor?"

"And what did your other uncle for a living?"

"He's an author and artist. He's not my real uncle, but he said considers me part of his family – just like Uncle Rocco did," Shinji said in fond remembrance.

The beer drinker nodded. "I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what did your Uncle Ivor write?"

"I think that his most famous work was 'Touching Folded Wings'," the pilot answered, unsure of why his roommate was suddenly looking so out of sorts. "Is something the matter, Misato-san?"

"I'm fine, Shinji-kun, is the food ready?"

"Yes," Shinji said as he lifted the pan from the stove. "I think that you'll enjoy this."

After the meal was eaten in a contemplative silence, Misato finally worked up the courage to ask the question that was weighing on her mind.

"Shinji-kun, about your Uncle Ivor?"

"Well, he did say that Ivor wasn't the name on his birth certificate, but he told me that he had to go by a different name for his work and that he'd been doing it for so long that answering to 'Ivor Biggun' was natural. You look bothered by something, Misato-san. Are you really alright?" Shinji asked, his voice filled with genuine concern.

The voluptuous woman nodded, but kept her mouth shut as she tried to make sense of what she was learning here.

'I can't believe that Shinji used to live with Ivor Biggun! Touching Folded Wings is not literature: it's a work of art! Plus there's all his other works like Das Ist Verboten and Burning Eyes… all of them are pure filth!'

"Misato-san, I'm sorry for being a little forward, but are you sure you're alright? You look a little feverish."

"I'm just a little tired, Shinji-kun," Misato replied with a weak smile. "So, your uncles are both famous for providing 'adult entertainment' – that must have made things… interesting for you."

It was now the pilot's turn to look flushed. "Well, I, err, the thing is it wasn't as fun as you might imagine."

"You…" the beer drinker paused. "In what way wasn't it fun?"

"Well, the clean up on White Tsunami for a start."

Misato's face fell. "They made you… on a bukkake video shoot?"

"I wasn't on camera for that Misato-san. I just had to shampoo the carpets when they were done."

"Oh, I see. Wait, what do you mean 'not on camera for that'?"

"I helped out with the preparation, and in some cases I was an actor. Nothing much, just someone in the background to help with the plot. Besides, the White Tsunami clean up was nothing compared to Luscious Streams," Shinji added with a shudder.

"Is Luscious Streams that one where Rokku Haado, err, how should I put it?" the purple haired woman asked.

"Yep, and she squirts it out," the young man nodded, wishing that the conversation hadn't taken its current direction.

Realising that she might have made a mistake, Misato asked if there was anything on TV that her roommate wanted to watch. "You know, baseball or some anime. Whatever you like."

"I'm not too bothered, Misato-san. Actually, I might practice playing my instrument this evening. I'm getting a little bit rusty," Shinji replied.

"Do I really want to know?"

"What do you mean, Misato-san?"

"I'm talking about you and your 'instrument playing' – you're not going to lock yourself in the bathroom, are you?" Misato asked as she rubbed her forehead in an attempt to stave off a headache.

"Why would I do that, Misato-san? Are the acoustics in there special?" Shinji asked, not picking up in the innuendo.

"Acoustics? You mean you actually play a musical instrument?"

"Yes, I play the guitar. Why, what did you think I mean?" the pilot asked innocently.

"I just… you know what, never mind, Shinji-kun. I think I'll have a quick soak in the tub and head off to bed now."

"Ok, sweet dreams, Misato-san."

When he was left alone, Shinji let out a sigh. "I don't think that Misato-san likes me very much."

On the other side of the door, Misato blinked as she processed what she had heard her roommate say.

'Why would he think that I don't like him? Haven't I been nice to him?' she asked herself as she prepared for a quick bath. 'Maybe Ritsuko's got an idea? I'll see if she's interested in coming over tomorrow for dinner.'

Grabbing the phone, the purple-haired woman headed off into the bathroom to talk with her friend.

"Akagi speaking," Ritsuko said calmly into the handset.

"¬Ritsuko, are you doing anything tomorrow night?¬"

"I don't think that I have anything planned, why you need to get drunk or something?" the bottle blonde teased.

"¬No, I just thinking that you might want some company.¬"

"Well, if someone else is doing the cooking, I might be able to make time. What time were you thinking?"

"¬7.30 sound good to you?¬"

"I'll be there, Misato. Is there anything else that you wanted to talk to me about, or can I get back to work?" Ritsuko asked as she stifled a yawn.

"¬There is one thing – Shinji thinks that I don't like him.¬"

The scientist blinked. It was an odd thing to say, as Misato found it rather easy to make friends with most men. Commander Ikari was different, but then he wasn't the friendly sort.

"What happened, Misato? Did you laugh at him while he was naked?"

"¬No, I… I don't know why he thinks I don't like him, I do – he seems like a nice kid.¬"

"But what, Misato?" Ritsuko asked. "I know that there's something else here."

"¬It's… well, have you heard of the writer Ivor Biggun?¬"

The blonde pinched the bridge of her nose as she thought hard. "Maybe, what's he done?"

"¬What about some of his work – Das Ist Verboten, Burning Eyes, Touching Folded Wings? Do they ring any bells?¬"

"Aren't they dirty stories? And if so, what do they have to do with you and Shinji not liking each other?"

"¬Well, check to see who Shinji's guardians were – he says that one of them was Ivor Biggun.¬"

"And who was his other guardian?"

"¬Rokku Haado.¬"

"Ok," Ritsuko said slowly as she reached for her cigarettes. "I wasn't expecting to hear that name today. I'll have a look and I'll see what I can find for you. See you tomorrow, Misato."

After her bath, Misato felt that she needed to at least try to put Shinji straight with his perceptions.

Deciding that there was no time like the present, the purple haired woman knocked on the door to Shinji's room.

"Shinji-kun, are you in there?"

As there was no response, she knocked again.

Still not getting any answer, Misato opened the door half expecting to catch Shinji playing with himself.

What she saw was surprising: nothing. The room was empty.

"Shinji-kun?" the purple haired woman asked, sticking her head around the door.

"Yes, Misato-san?" Shinji replied from behind his roommate.

As Misato jumped in surprise, her towel fell to the floor. "You shouldn't sneak up on people like that, Shinji-kun. You scared me."

"Sorry, Misato-san," the pilot said, his head bowed submissively.

"Enough of that," the nude woman said dismissively. "I wanted to tell you that I overheard you say that you think that I don't like you. And that's not the case – you're a good kid. A little… unusual maybe, but a good kid at heart."

Shinji looked up. "Y-you really mean that, Misato-san?"

"Yes, I do, Shinji-kun."

Maintaining eye contact with the older woman, the pilot smiled. "I-I like you too Misato-san. Did you want me to play you a song on the guitar?"

"Err, ok then. What can you play?" Misato asked as she followed the teenager into his room.

"I've been practising a lot of pre-Impact songs, mainly because Uncle Ivor said it helped him write," Shinji answered as he pulled out his black guitar case.

Flicking open the catches, he savoured the moment before he lifted the lid. It was as if Shinji considered it a special moment every time he touched his instrument.

Misato leaned over the teenager's shoulder to get a look at the guitar. "Nice."

The instrument in question was of an older design.

"Thanks, Misato-san. It's a replica of a classic guitar – the Red Special."

"'Red Special'?" the still naked woman repeated. "That sounds familiar… where have I heard that before?"

"It's Brian May's guitar. You know, the guy with the black curly hair from Queen," Shinji explained.

"I think I've heard of them," Misato replied. "Go on then, play away."

"Ok," Shinji nodded confidently as he pulled out a small amplifier and connected everything.

After a few practice strums, the pilot started playing the opening chords of Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

After thirty seconds, Misato pouted. "What? No singing?"

"I'm not very good at singing while playing," Shinji insisted, barely managing to keep playing from memory as he spoke.

"Oh, well, I suppose that it's a little bit much for a fourteen year old to be both a pornstar and rockstar."

"I'm not a pornstar," the pilot protested as he hit the wrong note. "And it's not like I'm good enough to be a professional musician."

"No, but you are still young, so there's plenty of time for you to get good enough," Misato replied. "Oh well, it's time for bed. Hey!"

"What's up, Misato-san?"

"When were you going to tell me that I was naked?" the naturally purple-haired woman demanded. "Were you just keeping quiet to get a good look at me?"

"No, I just thought that you weren't bothered by nudity any more," Shinji replied honestly. "It's not like you've got anything to be ashamed of, Misato-san."

"… You know what, never mind. I'm going to bed, and so should you."

On the way to school, Shinji was minding his own business, but was also on the look out for his new friend, Kensuke Aida.

He didn't expect to be accosted by a group of older students in a uniform that he didn't recognise.

"C-can I help you?"

"Is it true?" asked a female with blonde hair.

"Is what true?" Shinji asked in confusion. 'Are they asking about Evangelion?'

"Your secret… is it true?" the same girl asked, making it clear that she was the one in charge.

"I… I'm not sure what I can tell you about the Evangelion," the pilot replied evasively.

"Wait," another girl interrupted. "What's this 'Evangelion' business?"

Looking around nervously, Shinji took a deep breath. "It's the purple robot from the other day."

The crowd gasped in unison.

"C-can I get by now? I don't want to be late."

"Yes, we can't have Ikari-kun getting into trouble," Hikari replied, having managed to fight her way through the assembled students. "Don't you all have classes to get to?"

"Who died and made you El Presidente for life?" the blonde asked, pointing her finger aggressively.

"She's Ikari's class rep," the brunette who asked about Evangelion replied. "Don't worry, I'll get all the juicy gossip later. Won't I, Hikari-chan?"

"Nee-chan, you shouldn't be encouraging people to act like this!" Hikari protested.

"Meh," Kodama shrugged. "We're bored. What are you going to do?"

The sound of the chimes warning people about tardiness sounded, making the visiting students realise that they had to be going if they didn't want to get into trouble.

"Pump him for information, Hikari-chan," the elder Horaki sister winked teasingly.

"Nee-chan!" the red faced Class Rep complained, much to the amusement of the older students.

On the way to their classroom, Hikari turned to Shinji.

"Ikari-kun, I don't think that you should tell anyone else about that purple robot thing. You caused too much disruption yesterday."

"But you were the one that told everyone about Uncle Rocco…" Shinji insisted.

"That's beside the point," the Class Rep hissed. "You have to help me with the rest of the class – they're easily excited. Especially Aida-kun and his friend, Suzuhara-kun."

"Who's Suzuhara-kun?" the pilot asked.

"Touji Suzuhara, he's on the school basketball team and he's a close friend of Aida-kun's."

"I see, well, I'll try not to get people excited, but I'm not very good at lying," Shinji explained. "Uncle Ivor said that he thought that I was too honest for my own good."

"Wait, who's Uncle Ivor?" Hikari asked.

"Ivor Biggun, he's-"

"The artist?" the brunette blurted out.

"Yes, have you heard about him?" Shinji asked. "He used to do a lot more drawing, but he said that he felt that his eyesight was failing him and that's why he decided to start writing."

"I think that you'd better keep that quiet, too, Ikari-kun."

"If you think that it's for the best."

With nothing else to say, Hikari led the pilot into the classroom, expecting some sort of a reaction.

She did not expect to have the question "Are you dating Ikari-kun?" thrown at her. Nor did she anticipate the ribald accusation that she was only interested in him because of his daring exhibitionist nature and his larger than average equipment.

"That's just not true!" the flustered representative insisted.

"Oh, and why else would you be interested in Ikari-kun?" a voice from the back of the room asked.

"We're not dating!"

"It's true – we only walked up to the classroom together," Shinji added. "It was her older sister that seemed interested in me…"

"What?"

"Ikari-kun likes older women?"

"Well, what did you expect with him being a pornstar?"

"Hey, I never had a starring role in any of Uncle Rocco's films!" the pilot said firmly in an attempt to quash the rumours.

"Hey, enough of that, it's time to take your places," Hikari said as the chimes sounded.

During the lesson, Shinji was bombarded with questions about life with his Uncle Rocco. He was unsure of how to respond, given Hikari's request that he try not to excite his classmates.

Then he had an idea: ask the responsible student for her advice.

Moments later, there was a response.

'¬Your Uncle Ivor seemed like a wise person, why don't you do what would he do?¬'

Shinji frowned at the reply he'd received. 'She doesn't know Uncle Ivor like I do.'

After typing out his reply, the pilot waited for further advice.

'¬… I forgot that you were living with perverts.¬'

"Hey," the young Ikari protested as he stood up. "Uncle Rocco and Uncle Ivor aren't perverts! They're good people."

"I asked you 'what would your Uncle Ivor do in this situation?' Your answer was 'I fail to see how seducing the school nurse would help' – how is that not perverted?" Hikari demanded.

"Who's your Uncle Ivor?" Kensuke asked.

"Err…" Shinji hesitated. He didn't want to upset the Class Rep any further, but he didn't want to lie to his new friend. "He's… an author."

"Oh, ok," the bespectacled youth nodded as he started his internet search for authors named 'Ivor'.

Seeing that things were now calm, the pilot sat back down. Two minutes later, there was an accusing squeal from the seat next to him.

"Your 'Uncle Ivor' is Ivor Biggun!"

"Yes, he is," Shinji winced, realising that Hikari was going to hate him after the lesson.

The girl in question just slumped in her seat with her face in her hands.

"So who's this Ivor Biggun person?" an anonymous voice asked.

"Wait a minute," the teacher interrupted, momentarily saving Shinji some embarrassment. "Ikari-kun, are you telling us the truth that your Uncle Ivor is the same man that co-authored 'Sisters of Mercy', 'Das Ist Verboten', 'The Prince's Woman' and 'Touching Folded Wings'?"

"Yes, he's the same person."

The chimes that signalled the end of the lesson sounded, much to Shinji's relief.

"Ikari-kun, may I have a word with you?" the teacher asked, tilting his glasses to the light reflected off them in a dramatic fashion.

"Ok, Kimura-sensei," Shinji sighed. He was getting the feeling that his new teacher was like some of his teachers at his old school – disapproving of what his Uncles did to earn their livings.

When they were alone, the pilot took a deep breath as he prepared his speech about not starring in any pornography nor writing anything even slightly risqué when Kimura-sensei spoke first.

"Ikari-kun, is it possible that you could get your Uncle Ivor to sign my copy of Lolita's Medicine?"

"What? You're not angry about what Uncle Ivor and Uncle Rocco do?"

"Why would I be upset about that? The artwork in Lolita's Medicine is some of the best I've ever seen. It's a shame that Ivor Biggun stopped drawing," the lecherous man said sadly.

"Well, he felt that his eyesight was failing him. It was taking him a while to get his character designs right," Shinji explained. "It was something that really upset him. That's when he turned his focus solely on writing."

"I see, well, do you think that you could get him to sign it for me?" Kimura asked hopefully.

"I think so, but I'd better check with him first – I don't want to impose any more than I have already."

To be continued…

What can I say ? Pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed at Hawk's Forum. That is all for now.