I Can't Believe It's Not 15 IBRC Certification
By Lord Raa
Disclaim-me-do: Many Bothans died to bring you this update.
Chapter 3
At NERV, Misato and Ritsuko were discussing Shinji's guardians in the scientist's office.
"You know, Misato, while I had heard the name Rokku Haado, I did have to check up on a few things," the bottle blonde said with a smirk.
"Oh? Have you started behaving like Makoto and using your computer to look at internet porn?"
"I'll have you know that it was research at your behest, Misato," Ritsuko chided. "But that's beside the point. If Shinji-kun has picked up some of his Uncle Rocco's habits, then you might not want to bend over in front of him while you wear those cut-off shorts of yours."
Misato paled as she recalled one of Rokku Haado's particular penchants. "But Shinji seems like such a nice kid…"
After a moment's thought, the purple haired woman shook her head. "…Stop that, you don't know Shinji-kun at all. He's a decent person, even if he does like walking around naked."
"Now that you mention it, I think that I might have to stay late tonight, so I'll have to take a rain check on dinner," Ritsuko said with a fake disappointed tone.
"What's up, Ritsuko – are you afraid that if you see Shinji naked you'll turn into a shota-con?"
"Yes," the blonde replied without missing a beat. "You've found out my one weakness – teenaged boys that like to walk around naked."
"…"
"I'm taking the piss, Misato. Everyone knows that it's all about the lolis and their delicious flat chests."
"Oh. But are you coming over tonight or not?" Misato asked, momentarily unsure of how to get back at her friend.
"Yeah, I'll swing by at half seven."
"Great, I'll make curry."
Shinji was trying to eat his lunch in peace while he sat with his new friend, Kensuke.
He was not having much luck as the majority of the school populace were trying to find out more about his life with Rokku Haado and Ivor Biggun.
"So, Ikari-kun, what sort of thing did you do when you were on set with Rokku?"
"Well, I didn't do much – I helped out with the catering, fetched video tapes, handed people towels when we stopped shooting."
"So you didn't appear on camera?" Kensuke asked, hoping to disperse the crowd before they scared his potential source of filth away.
"No, not in a proper starring role," Shinji insisted.
"So you were a supporting actor?"
"Yes. Why? Why is everyone so bothered about this?" the pilot asked as he picked up his bento to finish his rice.
"Well, it's not everyday that we meet someone who knows someone famous. Besides, you even know Ivor Biggun – and he's a legend in his own right!"
"Yes, but they were both normal people," Shinji insisted. "It's not like they were giant robot pilots or anything."
"Two things sell stories," a black-haired boy said as he pushed his glasses up his nose in a way that made the young Ikari think that Kensuke had some sort of a rival. "Sex and violence. And while they might not be heroic warriors of legend, they certainly know what the public wants when it comes to the other thing."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that I know everything there is to know about how Uncle Rocco convinces all those girls to undress and bend over like that," the pilot whined.
"Wait," Kensuke said as he leant in. "Did you actually see your Uncle Rocco in action? You know, doing his thing?"
"Yes, I was on set for the filming of Backdoor Man and Tradesman's Entrance," Shinji nodded.
The two bespectacled youths asked the follow up question in unison. "What about 'Up the Bum, No Harm Done'?"
"Yes, I was actually on camera for that on-"
The crowd looked confused as to why Shinji paused. When they looked around, they finally noticed a trio of black suited men in black sunglasses.
"Shinji Ikari, you need to come with us on NERV business," a man with short cropped brown hair said cryptically. "We're from Section Two; we're part of your protection detail."
"W-what's the matter?"
"You presence is required," the Section Two man said. "Please, we need to get going ASAP."
"Oh, ok," Shinji nodded. "Sorry everyone, but I'm needed at NERV."
The suited men didn't make eye contact with the pilot when he made his assumption public.
When they were away from the crowds, the pilot asked what the situation was.
"Well, the thing is, we want to know if you know any of your Uncle's female co-stars; specifically ones from Tradesman's Entrance."
Shinji closed his eyes as he thought hard about that question. "Yumi Tanaka and Aoi Hondo were in that one. They were maids, I might still have their number – they said that if I ever wanted to talk with them, that I should give them a call."
"Ikari-san, if you are able to set us up with Yumi-sama or Aoi-sama or any of your friends, then we'd be extremely grateful – is there anything we can get for you?" the brown haired man asked with an infectious enthusiasm.
"I can't think of anything I need that I don't already have, but it's always nice to make a friend," the pilot smiled. "Now, shouldn't we get going for that emergency?"
"Actually," a man with blonde hair said as he closed his phone, "it was a false alarm. We're sorry about dragging you away from your friends like that, but it's our job to keep you safe and get you to NERV when an emergency does occur."
"Oh, well, thank you. I appreciate your hard work. What are your names?"
"I'm Nakata, this is Tendo and this Saito," the brown haired man introduced. "Again, we're sorry about this false alarm and we hope that you'll still be able to enjoy what's left of your lunchtime."
"Thank you, Nakata-san, I will."
When Shinji walked away to return to his spot, Tendo asked why Saito had made up the lie about the false alarm.
"Tendo, you really are an idiot, aren't you? We don't want to mess Shinji about if he can get us in touch with AV idols, now do we? Besides, the Brass would want to know why we're dragging the kid in without good reason," Nakata explained.
"Oh, I see. Well, that makes sense, Sempai."
"Good to see that you're learning, Tendo," Saito smiled. "Now, let's get back to the van."
Shinji made his excuses for not accepting any guests at Misato's apartment, though he tried his hardest not to mention that he was staying with a voluptuous older woman or anyone that could be mistaken for an adult entertainer.
As the pilot set his bag down on the floor, the phone started to ring.
"Hello?"
"¬Shinji, I'm glad that you're in. Can you tidy the place up a bit, Ritsuko's coming over for dinner and I won't have time to cook AND clean. That's ok, right?¬"
"Err, yes. I can do that for you, Misato-san. Is there anything in particular that needs attention?"
"¬Nothing springs to mind, but could you leave my room alone? No offence or anything, but it's my private space.¬"
"I understand completely, Misato-san," Shinji said honestly. "I like my privacy too."
"¬… Err, yeah, so Ritsuko's coming over at 7.30, so make sure that living room is clear and I can do my thing in the kitchen, ok?¬"
"Sure thing, Misato-san," the pilot said before his guardian hung up at her end. Looking around, he assessed his task. "It's not the worst mess I've had to deal with."
It was just before half past six when Misato returned home.
"Shinji?" she called out, hoping that her apartment would be at least respectable. "Wow."
It was more than acceptable in her opinion – Shinji had done an incredible job at cleaning up her slovenly mess. Even one or two of the stains that were there when she moved in had been taken care of.
"I guess that having Shinji move in was one of my better ideas," the purple haired beauty smiled proudly. 'Well, if you don't count his odd behaviour, that is.'
"I'm in the kitchen, Misato-san," Shinji called out. "Would you like a drink before you start cooking?"
"Yeah. Just give me a minute and be there," Misato replied having put her keys down. "I want to change first, so no peeping."
In the kitchen, Shinji sighed. "Why does everyone think that I'm a pervert? I don't try to look at women when they're not properly dressed: they just seem to find me and show me their naughty bits.
"Maybe Dr. Akagi will be different? Maybe she will understand?"
With those positive thoughts in his mind, the pilot washed his hands and made a pot of tea.
As the tea finished brewing, Misato breezed in, dressed in a pair of cut-off jean shorts and a pale green tank-top.
As she opened the fridge, Shinji noticed that his roommate's beverage of choice was alcohol.
When the curvaceous woman turned to her ward, she was surprised to see him frown.
"Is something up, Shinji-kun? Do you want a beer too?"
"…"
"Well, you're too young for that," Misato chided before taking a long pull from her can. "Tea and coffee is fine, but not booze. Especially not MY booze. Now, let me get started on dinner."
The pilot could only roll his eyes at the way the beer drinker tried to make a show of her cooking skills.
"Misato-san, you're about to put coffee whitener in that saucepan."
"What? Oh shit, you're right," Misato said as she realised that her plan to sabotage Ritsuko's meal had been rumbled. 'Still, maybe I can get out of cooking…'
"Sorry, Shinji-kun, I guess that I'm a bit more tired than I thought. Could you make dinner for me?"
Sighing, the teenager nodded. "Go on, Misato-san, take a bath."
"You're an absolute darling, Shinji-kun," the purple haired woman flattered shamelessly.
When he was alone, Shinji got up and pulled out the necessary ingredients for the curry. Realising that he didn't know how spicy to make the dish, he walked over to the bathroom and knocked loudly on the door.
"Misato-san?"
"What is it, Shinji?" Misato asked with a tired sigh.
"I just wanted to know: how hot do you want this curry?"
"I like it so I can taste the spices and the meat, but not so hot I can't taste anything until next week."
"Ok, I think I get it. I'll start working on it now, Misato-san."
With that, the pilot turned to his room to change his outfit in an act of stain prevention.
Less than two minutes later, Shinji was walking back to the kitchen to prepare the meal.
The doorbell rang, causing Shinji to glance at a nearby clock.
"Is it that time already?" he asked rhetorically. Turning off the stove, he walked to the front door to see if it was Dr. Akagi.
"Hello, Dr. Akagi," the pilot greeted politely.
"Hi, Shinji-kun. So, where's Misato?" the bottle blonde asked as she removed her shoes.
"She's in the bath. Is something wrong, Dr. Akagi?" Shinji asked when the visitor froze where she stood.
"…"
"Dr. Akagi?" the teenager asked, waving his hand in front of her face.
"… Shinji-kun, why aren't you wearing any trousers?"
"I didn't want to get my school uniform dirty and I don't have many clothes."
"Ok, that explains why you're not wearing a white shirt and possibly why you're not wearing any trousers," Ritsuko said dryly.
Shinji missed the sarcastic tone and smiled before turning back to the kitchen.
It was then that the scientist let out a shriek.
The door to the bathroom slid open and Misato rushed out to see what the problem was.
"Ritsuko? Are you alright?"
"W-why isn't Shinji wearing any clothes?" the blonde asked, feeling flustered for the first time in a long, long while.
"I told you that I didn't want to get them dirty," Shinji insisted.
"Oh," Ritsuko nodded. She blinked several times before realising that something was wrong. "Speaking of clothes, why aren't you dressed, Misato?"
"I was just finishing my bath. Last time I checked, you don't bathe with your clothes on, Ritsuko," the purple haired woman mocked.
"So you haven't yet been corrupted by Shinji-kun?"
"No, at least I don't think so."
"I haven't touched Misato-san!" the pilot insisted. "Why does everyone assume that I'm some kind of deviant?"
"Sorry, Shinji, but you have to admit that walking around naked isn't exactly normal," Ritsuko replied.
"What are you talking about? Misato-san's naked right now. And it was the norm rather than the exception back when I was living with Uncle Rocco and Uncle Ivor."
"Hang on, Shinji," Misato said. "I'm naked; you're naked except for a frilly apron. So why don't you have a raging hard-on?"
"Because I'm trying to cook dinner, Misato-san," Shinji answered truthfully. "Besides, I didn't think that Dr. Akagi was interested in that sort of thing."
"What do you mean, 'That sort of thing'?" Ritsuko demanded, her arms folded across her chest.
"It's just that you don't seem like the type of person that wants to see live sex acts," the teenager replied. "Nobody said anything about putting on an after-dinner show, but it's not too much trouble to put something together if you're that set on seeing something."
The way the two adults spluttered their protests made Shinji think that he'd misread the situation. Shrugging, he remembered that he had to get back to cooking dinner and left them to recover, not realising the effect his naked flesh might have on them.
Ritsuko was the first to recover her wits.
"I was wrong, Misato. I thought that you'd be a bad influence on Shinji."
"Yeah, funny old world, isn't it?" the purple haired woman replied. "Take a seat; I'll be out in a few minutes. Don't worry – Shinji cleaned up earlier."
"Thanks. Oh, one last thing, Misato," Ritsuko said with gritted teeth.
"What's that?" Misato asked.
"Put some damn clothes on."
"I'm going, I'm going."
Shinji wasn't sure what to make of the exchange between Misato and Ritsuko. While he was pretty sure that they were only teasing each other in the way that friends often did, confrontation always made him feel uncomfortable.
"That goes for you too, Shinji-kun," the blonde chided. "I don't need to see your genitalia dangling about during dinner.
"Oh, but I'm about to serve dinner."
"I'll deal with that," Ritsuko said.
"But… you're a guest. I can't ask a guest to help out like," Shinji protested.
"I insist. Besides, I find it highly unlikely that the gods of etiquette are going to smite you for one incident."
"But…"
"Go, I can serve up three dishes of curry without spilling it everywhere, believe it or not," the blonde smirked.
"Ok, but I'm doing this under protest," Shinji replied in a serious tone before handing the saucepan over. "I'll be right back."
Seconds after the pilot entered his room, Misato walked into the lounge.
"Hmm, something smells good."
"Yes. Wait, I thought you were cooking, Misato."
"I was going to, but Shinji offered and I needed a bath. It was just easier that way," the purple haired woman shrugged.
Ritsuko sighed. "Never mind that, let's get started, shall we? I'm hungry and this pan is starting to get heavy."
Shinji finished buttoning up his white shirt as he sat down at the table.
"What do you think to the curry, Misato-san?"
"It's great," the beer drinker said, pausing momentarily from shovelling the food into her mouth.
"It is good, Shinji-kun, though you had better get your portion before Misato does," Ritsuko added.
"Ok," the pilot nodded before tucking in to the spicy meal.
The teenager had managed to eat a good portion of his dinner when Ritsuko asked Misato a perfectly legitimate question.
"So, what do you think to the idea of taking a trip to meet Shinji's Uncles in person?"
Misato's sudden spit-take was powerful enough reach across the table, strike Shinji's clean white shirt and ricochet onto Ritsuko's blouse.
"You really need to swallow, Misato-san," Shinji sighed.
The faux blonde burst out laughing, much to Shinji's surprise.
"Dr. Akagi?"
"Sorry, Shinji-kun, it's just what you said. I take it you haven't heard about Misato in college?"
"Ritsuko!" the beer drinker hissed.
"What Misato-san did in her past is no concern of mine," Shinji replied. "I was just making the point that I can see how this apartment gets so messy if Misato-san can't even keep her food in her mouth."
"Oh, so you weren't referring to the fact that she should swallow more often after oral sex?" Ritsuko smirked.
"I wouldn't know about that, Dr. Akagi," the pilot replied pointedly. "Misato-san and I don't have that sort of relationship. We are roommates and we are superior and subordinate at work, nothing more."
"Oh," the blonde replied, taken aback by Shinji's serious tone. "So you don't like girls in that way?"
"What?"
"It makes sense why you didn't seem bothered by Misato being nude earlier. But then again, she is a bit older than you…"
"Hey!" Misato protested. "You're even older than me, Ritsuko!"
The sound of the doorbell gave Shinji a chance to regroup and formulate a proper response to the questions on his sexuality.
Looking down at his shirt, the pilot realised that he needed to put on a clean shirt.
"This is why I don't like wearing clothes in the evening," he sighed as he ducked into his room.
Moments later, the doorbell rang again.
"I'm coming."
To be continued…
Pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed on Hawk's forum.
That is all for now.