I Can't Believe It's Not 15 IBRC Certification
By Lord Raa
Disclaim-me-do: If life gives you melons, make Internet porn. Or at least enter some wet T-shirt contests.
Chapter 4
"I'm coming," a male voice called through the door, causing the two visitors to look at each other questioningly.
"Are you sure that this is the right place. Hikari-chan?" the slightly older girl asked.
"That's what the school records say, Nee-chan," Hikari replied, trying to sound confident.
The door opened to reveal a slightly annoyed looking Shinji buttoning up his shirt.
"Can I help you?" the pilot asked as he lifted his head. "Oh, hello Horaki-san, what can I do for you?"
"Err… yes, I wanted to give you these printouts, Ikari-kun," Hikari said, thrusting some sheets of paper into Shinji's chest.
"Who is it, Shinji?" a female voice called out from inside the apartment.
"It's some people from school, Misato-san."
"Are you going to invite them in?" Misato asked, leaning back to see if she could see who it was.
"Err, ok. Please come in, Horaki-san," Shinji smiled. He turned to the older girl. "I'm sorry, but I didn't catch your name."
"I'm Kodama, I'm Hikari's older sister," the curvy brunette smiled.
"Pleased to meet you, Kodama-san."
"So, why were you buttoning up your shirt, Ikari-kun?" Hikari asked, having removed her shoes.
"There was an incident with curry earlier. Misato-san spilt some on me," Shinji explained. "Unfortunately, there's no curry left, but I'll get you all something to drink."
Kodama noticed that there were two pairs of women's shoes of slightly different sizes. "So, who's here with Misato-san?"
"Dr. Akagi," the pilot replied as he led the visitors through the hallway. "She works with Misato-san at NERV."
"…"
"Is something wrong, Hikari-san?" Shinji asked when his classmate stopped dead in her tracks.
"Y-you live here with her?!" the Class Rep asked, her finger pointing accusingly at the purple haired woman lounging around in a tank-top and cut-off jean shorts.
"Yes, why? Is that a problem?" Misato replied with a smirk.
"B-b-b-but you're dressed like…and Ikari-kun likes to… and he used to live with…"
"Wow," Kodama whistled, "To think that you're man enough to handle two women and invite more in, Shinji-kun. You must really have learned some neat tricks."
"…" Shinji looked at the women around him.
There was Misato looking suitably relaxed in her off-duty clothes. Ritsuko was wiping off the damp patch on her blue blouse where the curry had hit her and the Horaki sisters seemed to be under the impression that something sordid, yet in the case of Kodama, rather fun, was going on.
"I am not having sexual relations with Misato-san or Dr. Akagi."
"What, like that Bill Clinton guy?" Kodama smirked. "Come on, Shinji-kun, it's ok to tell us the truth: that you're obsessed with sex – most teenagers are."
"I am not obsessed with sex. In fact it's everyone else that keeps bringing it up."
Ritsuko rubbed her chin. "Actually, that's right. I haven't heard Shinji-kun initiate a conversation about sex this evening."
"Thank you, Dr. Akagi," Shinji smiled.
"No, he was the one that answered the door wearing nothing but an apron."
"I was cooking dinner!" the pilot protested.
"Wearing just an apron?" the Horaki sisters asked in unison, though for different reasons.
"What? You know how things can splatter when they're cooking."
"That's kind of our point, Shinji-kun," the blonde explained. "Most people wear aprons over their clothes when they're cooking."
"But I don't have many clothes and I didn't want to make more laundry than I had to. Why can't people understand that?"
"…"
"I'm going to my room," Shinji sighed.
When the pilot left the ladies, they turned to each other.
"So, is it really true that Shinji-kun used to live with a porn star?" Kodama asked.
"Yes, that's what the records indicate," Ritsuko replied. "Why, are you thinking of entering that line of work?"
The two sisters blushed heavily at the implication.
In his room, Shinji Ikari fumed with impotent rage as he thought about how people kept assuming that he was a pervert.
"I'm just a victim of circumstances," he grumbled as he pulled out his guitar.
Strumming a few chords to warm up, he prepared to vent his frustrations through his music.
However, on the third strum, there was an unpleasant sound that was a cross between a snap and a twang.
"Rats," Shinji cursed as he realised what had happened.
Putting his replica guitar back in its case, he walked out of his impeccably tidy room.
"Is something the matter, Shinji?" Misato asked from behind a beer can.
"My G-string broke," the pilot answered grumpily.
"G-string?" Kodama repeated. "I thought that you liked to walk around naked?"
"For my guitar," Shinji clarified. "I don't like G-strings or posing pouches. They're too confining."
"Oh, so you wear boxers?" the elder sister followed up.
The pilot shook his head. "Loincloths."
"Y-you wear l-loincloths?" Hikari stammered with crimson cheeks.
"Most of the time," Misato answered. "Remember that he likes to wander around in the nude."
"What?" Shinji demanded from the room. "I suppose that enjoying a breeze every now and then is a crime these days?"
"Shinji-kun," Ritsuko sighed, "if I wanted to 'enjoy a breeze every now and then', then I'd buy a convertible, not walk around naked as the day I was born."
"Oh… but that's one of the reasons why Uncle Rocco likes what he does."
"…"
"Anyway, we need to be going, right, Nee-chan?" Hikari said, hoping to escape the metaphorical train wreck before her.
"Err… yeah, let's leave Shinji-kun to do whatever it is that he's got to do," Kodama nodded. "We'll see you around, Shinji."
"Oh, ok. I'll see you at school tomorrow, Horaki-san."
When the visiting sisters left, Misato turned to her best friend. "So, Ritsuko, you got any ideas how to resolve this?"
"Oh my, look at the time, and there's this battery of diagnostics that I have to run on the MAGI tomorrow. I'll see myself out," the bottle blonde smiled.
"Bitch," the beer drinker muttered under her breath as Ritsuko left the apartment. "Well, Shinji, I guess that it's just you and me now."
"Misato-san," Shinji said in a quiet voice as he took his place at the table. "Am I upsetting you by staying here? Everyone else seems to think that I'm some sort of weirdo."
Misato closed her eyes as she tried to formulate her response. 'We need him to pilot. If he thinks that he's not wanted or it's not worth the pain, he'll refuse. But, and this but is as big as Ritsuko's, can I live with him and keep my sanity?'
"Misato-san?"
'Remember that his cooking and cleaning skills are awesome…' Opening her eyes, the purple haired beauty smiled pleasantly. "I was used to living alone, Shinji, so it's a bit of an adjustment."
"Yeah, I know what that's like – I'll have to remember to close the door when I'm on the toilet," Shinji nodded. "But you don't regret taking me in, do you?"
"No, not at all, but the fact that you managed to freak Ritsuko out is impressive. Normally it takes something serious to bother her," Misato chuckled. "Tell you what, let's get an early night."
"Yeah, it'll do us good to get a good night's rest."
The next morning, Shinji woke up feeling happy. While he wasn't too sure how Ritsuko or the Horaki sisters felt about him, at least he knew that Misato didn't regret taking him in.
With a spring in his step, the pilot grabbed his washing paraphernalia and headed out to the bathroom.
In her room, Misato yawned as the combination of morning light and electronic beeping roused her from her slumber.
"Wow," she murmured. "Is it time to get up already?"
Throwing off the covers, she also prepared her things for a quick bath before breakfast.
Walking with her usual morning grace, Misato didn't hear the sounds of someone in the shower.
Of course, she was under the impression that if the bathroom was occupied, then the door would be shut.
"Mornin' Shinji," she greeted.
"Morning, Misato-san," the lathered up young man replied.
The purple haired woman stopped dead in her tracks. "Wait, what? Shinji? What are you doing here?"
"I'm in the shower, Misato-san," Shinji replied in a confused tone before rinsing himself off completely. "Why, am I running late?"
"No, it's just that you're naked and wet and on display."
Switching the shower off, the pilot scratched his head. "Like I said, shower."
"Door," Misato countered, pointing at the entrance in question.
"Oh, I get it: I forgot to close the door again. Sorry about that, Misato-san."
"Never mind that now. Can I have some privacy please? It's still too early for me."
At school, Shinji was greeted by his friend, Kensuke.
"Is something the matter, Shinji?" the bespectacled boy asked when he noticed the pained expression on his face.
"Yeah, it's just those footprints are giving me flashbacks to something… unpleasant," the pilot replied.
"Oh?"
"Yeah," Shinji nodded. "I came back from school one day and I noticed all these brown footprints all around the house. As I was the one that had to do most of the cleaning, I complained to Uncle Rocco about people not wiping their feet. You know what he said to me?"
"No," Kensuke shook his head as he held the door open.
"He said 'that's not mud'."
"Not mud, but what else could it be…?"
"Yeah," the young Ikari nodded. "That's what I asked. Then Uncle Rocco showed me some of that day's filming."
When Kensuke looked blankly at him, Shinji clarified things.
"Let's just say that I refused to clean up after any more enema shoots after that."
"Oh. Oh… Oh my god, that's awful!"
"Not as bad as the smell," the pilot smiled weakly.
At NERV, Misato was finally given a breather from her work and decided to take the break with Ritsuko. Mainly it was to discuss what to do with Shinji, but she also just needed to talk to someone without causing more trouble which informing another person about the situation at her home would bring.
Knocking on the door, she stuck her head around the door and waved.
"Come in, Misato," Ritsuko gestured. "So, you are you just here for the decent coffee or is there something that you wanted to talk to me about?"
"Well, since you brought up coffee, a cup would be nice," the Captain smiled. "But yeah, there is something that I want to talk about. What should we do about Shinji-kun?"
"Well," the blonde drawled. "Wait, what do you mean 'we'?"
"Well, you know what he's like, unless you want me to sacrifice myself for the good of humanity?" Misato smirked.
"Please, if he were legal, you'd have ridden him by now."
"Well, while that might not be entirely false, what will the neighbours say when they find out that Shinji likes to be naked?"
Ritsuko held her face in her palm and sighed. "I don't know what to do about this sort of thing, Misato. Why does everyone around here think that I can fix everything just because I've got a couple of PhDs?"
"Because that proves you're one of the smartest people on the planet, Ritsuko," Misato replied. "And who else am I going to ask? The Commander? Like he's anyone to give advice on raising a teenager."
"You could try Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki," the scientist replied. "He looks like the sort of person what might know a thing or two about families."
"True enough, but that brings me to my second reason for discussing this with you. Don't you think that we should keep this under wraps for as long as possible? I mean if Shinji's habits get out, then he might try to distract people by mentioning piloting Unit-01?"
"That's a good point, Misato, we need to consider the security implications. I'll speak with the Vice-Commander."
Kozo Fuyutsuki was not surprised that Ritsuko Akagi had come to his office. The pair of them had often discussed various issues that arose during the recent weeks.
What did surprise the elderly man was the reasons for the subject that the blonde wanted to discuss.
"So, you're telling me that there are a few problems with Shinji-kun?"
"Yes. You see, Shinji-kun's guardians were….how should I put this? Not what you would consider to be ideal candidates for child rearing," Ritsuko said diplomatically.
"Oh, who were they? They weren't drug dealers or other criminals, were they?"
"No, as far as I know, Rokku Haado and Ivor Biggun haven't had anything to do with narcotics."
"Then what is the problem?" Fuyutsuki asked.
"Rokku Haado is an adult entertainer," the blonde explained. "He's a performer that's famous for his anal movies."
"'Anal movies'?" the old man repeated. "What do you mean? What are they?"
"…" Ritsuko blinked in disbelief. "Pornographic films with scenes depicting anal sex. And not only that, Ivor Biggun is someone that's written a number of erotic novels and manga titles."
"I see… so Shinji-kun has been corrupted by filth-mongers?" Fuyutsuki asked, his eye twitching.
"Yes. And we're unsure how to deal with his personality quirks."
"Hmm, I'll need to think about this," the old man mused. "I'll let you know what we'll do to deal with his immoral habits."
Shinji was focused on his lesson, much more so than his classmates. And that included, rather surprisingly, the Class Representative.
Hikari Horaki seemed rather flustered as she looked at a message that came from her sister.
'But why would Onee-chan want to go out on a date Shinji-kun?' the freckled girl asked herself. She cast a furtive glance over her shoulder towards the young man in question. 'He seems nice enough, and he's cute, but he's a bit odd. What if he wants to do something with Onee-chan?'
Hikari's fingers started to move to reply to her elder sister's message.
The chimes that signalled the end of the school day sounded out, causing much of the student body to perk up.
Shinji Ikari was among that number, though he wasn't surprised to see someone approach his desk.
"Hello, Horaki-san. What can I do for you?"
"I… My sister has asked me to ask you a question, Shinji-kun," the brunette replied, a little nervous about the whole situation.
"Oh, is there anything I can do for her?" Shinji asked with a pleasant smile on his face.
"She wanted to know if you wanted to go out for some cake this afternoon," Hikari asked with a blush.
The pilot looked thoughtful for a moment. "I don't have to go into work today, so yes. I'd like that. Do you know where and when she wants to meet me?"
"She wants to meet up with both of us in about 30 minutes."
"Both of us? You're not planning to gang up on me are you?" Shinji asked, completely misreading the situation.
"G-gang up on you?" the Class Rep stammered. "Why would you think that we're going to gang up on you?"
"So you're not trying to rob me?"
"Rob you?" Hikari asked in confusion. "No, we're not trying to rob you, Shinji-kun."
"That's a relief – I was worried about that happening when I moved here. You hear all sorts of stories about Tokyo-3," Shinji explained before standing up. "I'm sorry for thinking that you were like that, Horaki-san. Please forgive me."
"It's ok," Hikari replied, embarrassed at the formal bow Shinji was giving her and how she had misinterpreted his concerns. 'I'm beginning to see why he likes to be alone – fewer people around means there's less room for misunderstanding.'
Back at NERV, Fuyutsuki strode purposely into Gendo Ikari's office.
"Yes?" the bearded man asked, looking up from his work.
"Do you recall who you left Shinji with when he was a child?"
"Yes."
The older man blinked. "So you know that your son was raised in a filthy den of inequity? Exposed to all manner of depravities?"
"Are you going to make your point any time soon, Sensei?" Gendo asked with a bored sigh.
Fuyutsuki stood aghast at the Commander's blasé attitude. "You don't care that your ONLY son associated with both male and female whores?"
"The Third Child was raised in a brothel?"
"No, but his guardians were filth-mongers."
"Oh, you mean his Uncle Rocco. Well, if that's all, dismissed," the Commander said, gesturing to the door.
The grey-haired man blinked and after a moment, realised that Gendo had turned his attention back to his previous task.
"I… see, well, I shall deal with this matter myself."
Shinji and Hikari arrived at the café to see Kodama sitting there with a cup of coffee in her hands.
"Hi, Hikari-chan, Shinji-kun. Take a seat."
"Thank you," Shinji bowed. "So what did you want to talk to me about, Horaki-san?"
"Please, call us by our first names, Shinji," the elder sister smiled. "We're friends, aren't we?"
"I'd like to think that," the pilot smiled shyly in response, "Kodama-san."
Hikari, however, was suspicious of her sister's motives. 'Is Onee-chan that hard up for a date? I know that the boys at her school like her, it's hard not to with her perfect figure and clear complexion, but why Shinji-kun?'
Kodama glanced at her sister and saw that the Class Rep was thinking about something. 'I wonder what she's worried about. It's not like Shinji-kun's going to do me doggy-style over the table in broad daylight.'
She turned her attention back to Shinji. "So, Shinji-kun, I hear that you've got an after-school job. What do you do at the convenience store?"
"I don't work in a convenience story," the young man answered. "I… I'm not sure what I can tell you. You know, when I put it like that, it sounds like I'm making the whole thing up."
"You don't seem like the sort of person to fabricate a web of lies just to impress girls, Shinji-kun," the elder sister smiled warmly. "So, where do you work?"
"I'm… I work at NERV. Promise me that you'll keep this a secret, ok?"
The sisters looked at each other but nodded.
"Please, I need to hear you promise," Shinji insisted. "I don't want to get anyone in trouble."
"It's ok, Shinji-kun, we promise to keep your secrets secret," Kodama said solemnly.
"Yes, we do," Hikari added.
"Ok then," the young man looked around for people eavesdropping on their conversation. "I work at NERV as the pilot of that purple robot thing that was on the news."
"…"
"You're right, it does sound made up," Kodama mused. "Do you have any proof?"
"Here's my ID card," the pilot said as he pulled out his wallet.
'He looks a lot happier in the flesh,' Hikari thought as she looked over the image of a melancholy teenaged boy.
"So, why the long face?" the elder Horaki asked.
"That was just after I'd been told that I was the only chance for humanity's survival," Shinji explained.
Kodama swiftly followed up her line of questioning. "And now you're ok with that?"
"Onee-chan!" Hikari hissed.
"It's ok, Hikari-san," the pilot smiled. "I thought about it for a few days and I remembered something that my Uncle Rocco said to me. 'You gotta do what you gotta do. Even if it's a double-bagger.' With that in mind, I realised that I was being more than a bit selfish, what with so many people depending on me."
"That's a more mature attitude than most of the boys in our class would have taken."
"Thank you, Hikari-san. Would you both like some cake now? It's my treat."
"Since you so generously offered," Kodama said smoothly as she picked up a menu.
Ritsuko was surprised to see Kozo Fuyutsuki burst into her office.
"Can I help you, sir?"
After taking a moment to calm himself down, the grey-haired man spoke his mind. "The Commander seems unperturbed by the tales of the Third Child's upbringing."
"I see. What do you think we should do now, sir?" Ritsuko asked, leaning back in her seat.
"I'm not sure, but we can't let things escalate to the point where NERV is dealing with sexual harassment claims instead of fighting the Angels. Can you and Captain Katsuragi keep a close eye on Shinji-kun? Stop things from getting out of hand?"
The blonde paused as she realised that Fuyutsuki failed to notice his innuendo. 'He's not got a clue about what he said…' "I'll see what we can do, sir."
Hikari and Kodama Horaki were surprised at the way Shinji had put himself out for them.
While they both had their idealised versions of romance which involved chivalrous, gentlemanly behaviour, they both knew deep down that there weren't many gentlemen left in the world.
"Wow, Shinji-kun, you're so kind to treat us like this," Kodama smiled.
"Yes, but you didn't need to buy us such expensive cake," Hikari added as she placed her fork on her plate.
The pilot blushed under the attention. "Well, it's like Uncle Rocco always said: it is better to give than to receive."
"Really?"
"Yes, he said that he often found it fun to surprise people by giving," Shinji added. He glanced at a nearby clock. "Oh, I didn't realise that was the time. I had a nice time with both of you, but I've got some things to do at home."
"Thank you, Shinji-kun," the sisters said with a bow.
"I'll see you at school tomorrow," Hikari smiled, though it quickly fell from her face when she heard her sister's next comment.
"I'm sure that I'll see more of you in good time."
To be continued….
Pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed on Hawk's forum.
Omake (Because we all know you were thinking it)
"Wow, Shinji-kun, you're so kind to treat us like this," Kodama smiled.
"Yes, but you didn't need to buy us such expensive cake," Hikari added as she placed her fork on her plate.
The pilot blushed under the attention. "Well, it's like Uncle Rocco always said: it is delicious cake, you must eat it."