I Can't Believe It's Not 15 IBRC Certification
By Lord Raa
Disclaim-me-do: In the name of Love and Justice, I shall punish you with this huge fuck-off hammer!
Chapter 5
Shinji was quite content to deal with the domestic tasks that he'd been assigned by his guardian, Misato.
It was fortunate for the purple-haired drunkard that his loathing for living in a pigsty was as great as his household skills.
"I can't believe that she'd just leave her dirty clothes out like this," the pilot sighed as he picked up a pair of cut-off denim shorts.
The Captain seemed to have an aversion to putting things in their correct place, judging by the way he found a pair of black panties and yellow tank top next to the shorts.
"I don't think she's used to company," Shinji decided as he loaded up the washing machine with dark coloured clothes.
Ritsuko was not sure what to make of the ranting and raving from Kozo Fuyutsuki. While she knew that something had to be done about Shinji and his unusual behaviour, she hadn't expected the elderly man to take such a puritanical stance.
"Especially since he knows most of the secrets behind Project E," the blonde mused as she reached for her cigarettes. "Fuck it, Shinji can tell people he's a pilot. Let Section Two earn their pay for a change."
Leaning back and lighting up her tenth cigarette of the day, Ritsuko took a few moments before picking up her phone and dialling Misato.
Misato was feeling good about the way she'd managed to get on top of her paperwork.
"Take that, bureaucracy!" she mocked the out-tray on her desk.
She was about to add more when the telephone rang.
"Hello?"
"¬Misato, it's Ritsuko here. It seems that the Commander doesn't care about Shinji's behaviour.¬"
"So now what do we do?" the purple-haired woman asked.
"¬I think that we should leave Shinji to his own devices. Obviously, we'll step in if need be, but it'll be easier for us if we keep our noses out of Shinji's business.¬"
"Spoken like someone who doesn't have a live-in fourteen year old nudist," Misato said, rolling her eyes. "Or are you telling me that I should start that kind of relationship with Shinji-kun?"
"¬What? NO! Of course you shouldn't do anything like that with Shinji!¬" Ritsuko screamed down the phone line.
"Then what do I do?"
"¬I don't know. Just… just don't do anything rash. You know, like getting so drunk you wake up in his bed.¬"
"I seem to recall that I was the one being groped when we woke up after your birthday party, Ritsuko," the Captain teased.
"¬… I hate you, Misato,¬" the blonde hissed before hanging up.
Misato enjoyed the warm and fuzzy feeling inside her belly that one got from a well earned victory against a regular opponent.
"And it's also quitting time. It's good to be Misato today," she said as she sauntered out of her office.
"I'm back, Shinji," Misato called out as she took her shoes off.
"Welcome back, Misato-san," Shinji replied as he walked up to her with a basket of clothes. "I've done some of the laundry, but I get the feeling that there's more in your room. If you want it doing, then you'll have to bring it out."
"Ok, Shinji-kun. Wait, are those my panties?" the purple-haired woman asked.
"Yes," the pilot nodded. "They were in the bathroom next to your shirt and shorts that you left in there this morning."
Misato cast as suspicious eye over her roommate. 'Did I really leave them in there or did he sneak into my room for some perverted fun?'
Shinji let out a tired sigh. "If you're going to be like that, you can do your own laundry."
"Hey, I didn't say you did anything wrong, Shinji," the beer-drinker said in a placating tone. "Hell, I didn't say anything!"
"No, you didn't. But you were thinking it," the teenager replied. "I'm not so hard up that I have to resort to stealing women's underwear. I was having cake with a couple of nice girls earlier!"
Shinji placed the basket on the floor and stormed off to his room.
"Wait, Shinji, I didn't mean it like that," Misato insisted, but was answered by a door slamming shut. "Damn it."
She looked down at the shirt in the beige plastic basket. "Hmm, he managed to get that greasy kebab stain out."
At the Horaki residence, Kodama was letting her sister vent her displeasure at the way their date with Shinji went.
"I can't believe you acted like that!" Hikari chided.
"What? Shinji-kun seems like a nice guy. I don't know if you noticed, but he maintained eye contact with us at all times."
"But why did you have to act like you wanted to see him naked?"
"Since my attempt at subtlety has failed miserably, I'll explain it to you. Because Shinji-kun didn't try anything to impress us or act sleazy, he's either a gentleman or he's gay. Now, he was clean, well groomed and polite," Kodama said as she ticked off her fingers. "Those are usually indications of homosexuality."
"And?" Hikari asked.
"And my point, my dear sister, is that the human race won't continue if there are same-sex relationships."
"So, you're saying that Shinji-kun can't possibly be a gentleman?"
"You saw who he was with last night – if he's not trying anything with that purple haired woman, then he's obviously gay. And that would be a terrible loss," the elder sister explained. "Personally, I think he's too cute for that sort of thing."
"…" the Class Rep realised that there was nothing she could do about her sister. "Whatever. I've got to get started on dinner."
Misato emerged from her room, having changed into her freshly laundered clothes.
She knocked on Shinji's door.
"Shinji-kun, can we talk?"
There was no response.
"Please, Shinji-kun, we need to talk and I don't like talking through a door."
"Fine," was the reply as the door slid open. "Where would you like to start, Misato-san?"
"I… I'm sorry for assuming that you're doing things that you shouldn't. It's just that you're a teenaged boy," the purple-haired woman explained.
Shinji looked unimpressed. "What gave that fact away?"
"Teenaged boys are infamous for doing things they shouldn't," Misato clarified. "And having a woman that's attractive around the house is tempting fate, don't you think?"
"Well, I suppose that some of Uncle Rocco's friends might have done something, but that doesn't mean that I would have," the pilot said as he sat down on his bed. "In fact, I could never do that to you, Misato-san. The thought of doing something like that actually kinda makes me nauseous."
"But you do like girls, right? I mean, you can cook and clean and you're nice and polite, but you've never shown the slightest reaction to any girls."
"Hey, I had spent some time with two girls outside of school today. I wouldn't exactly call it a date, but it was nice," Shinji countered. "The Horaki sisters seem like nice girls. You know, the girls that visited us last night."
Misato paused as she tried to process the information her roommate had just given her. 'Wait, he was out with both of those sisters? Not even Kaji managed to get two women in bed at the same time. Of course, he had me, so he wouldn't want anyone else. But still, they were cute…'
"… Misato-san?"
"Sorry, Shinji-kun, I was just thinking about something. I completely misjudged you, and I'm sorry," the purple-haired woman said with a bow.
"It's ok, Misato-san," Shinji smiled reassuringly.
That evening, Shinji finished washing his dirty clothes and entered the lounge with a fresh beer for Misato.
"Thanks, Shin-chan," the purple-haired woman smiled. "…"
"You're welcome, Misato," the pilot replied. "Is something the matter?"
"Again with the nudity, Shinji," Misato deadpanned.
"I'm sorry, Misato-san, most of my clothes are drying right now. So it's either nothing or your clothes," Shinji said. "Are you telling me that you want to dress me up like a girl?"
The Captain's spit-take covered Shinji's chest with beer, making him glad that he wasn't wearing clothes. After a few minutes of spluttering, Misato managed to regain her composure and gave a response.
"What? I'm not like that, Shinji. I don't get off on making people cross-dress."
The pilot gave her look that told her that he wasn't sure.
"I'm being totally honest with you, Shinji. I've never gotten off on the whole transvestite thing."
"And what sort of thing do you like?" Shinji asked, his hands on his skinny hips inadvertently drawing attention to his crotch.
"…" Misato found it difficult to speak until she closed her eyes. "Please, Shinji, cover yourself up. I'm having difficulty concentrating with you standing there naked."
"But I thought that since you've had military training, you'd be able to shut out minor distractions."
'But you're not so minor. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if…' the Captain thought guiltily. She turned back to Shinji and forced her eyes to meet his. "And you can?"
"It's one of the first things I learned to when I lived with Uncle Rocco. I had to – I kept bumping into things because I wasn't looking where I was going," the naked youth smiled fondly in remembrance.
"Really?"
"Yes," the pilot nodded. "Once, I nearly lost an eye when I walked into Mutsumi-nee-san."
Misato stared open mouthed at her roommate as she tried to fathom out the mechanics of the near-miss. "How?"
"It was a chilly morning," Shinji explained. "Uncle Rocco wanted to get the dawn light for that outdoor scene."
"I see. And how big was Mutsumi?"
"You could hang your shirt on her nipples."
"…"
"I'm serious, Misato-san, I think I've got a picture of it," the pilot insisted before rushing to his room.
Misato turned towards Shinji's room and a thought immediately entered her mind as she caught an eyeful of the young man's nude form as he bent over to search through a box of his most precious belongings.
"Now I know what that British guy meant by 'stark bollock naked,'" she whispered.
"Ah ha!" Shinji said triumphantly. As he spun round, his roommate recoiled slightly at the way his genitals swayed. "Is something wrong, Misato-san?"
"… I'm fine," the Captain lied. "So, let's see what this Mutsumi person looks like."
Misato was handed the photo of a ten-year-old Shinji and a woman in her early twenties with long brown hair in a single braid and a pair of breasts that put her own impressive cleavage to shame.
'Dang, they can't be real,' was her first thought. Then she looked closer and saw the way the left breast was flattened against the back of Shinji's head. "They're real?!"
Shinji assumed that Misato's outburst was a question that needed an answer.
"Yes they're real, Misato-san," he nodded. "Mutsumi-nee-san was proud of her figure and she was a really nice person. There were times when I had trouble sleeping, and she held me close until I fell asleep."
"And I suppose that she insisted that you used her chest as a pillow?"
"Yeah, it was nice. Why? Is something wrong?"
Misato pinched the bridge of her nose. "Nothing, Shinji-kun. So what sort of thing are you looking for in a girlfriend?"
The pilot looked thoughtful for a moment. "I suppose that I'm looking for someone who knows how to have fun, but who's responsible enough to think things through. I realise that the sort of person I'm looking for would be a bit older than me."
Misato's thoughts warred within her as she tried to look thoughtful.
'Misato, we're on dangerous ground here. Because, let's not kid ourselves, there's something about Shinji-kun and we're in a weird situation. We all know how things can develop in weird situations, remember how you hooked up with Kaji? Plus he just said he'd like an older woman and given his upbringing, he surely knows a thing or two about sex. But he is under your protection and it's a huge breach of policy and generally frowned upon to sleep with a teenaged boy.'
"I'm going to take a bath, why don't you get started on dinner?" the purple-haired woman suggested.
"Isn't it your turn to cook?"
"But you're so much better at it than I am, Shin-chan," Misato pouted.
Sighing in defeat, Shinji scratched his head. "Fine, but you owe me. Don't think that I've forgotten about last night, either. It was you who was supposed to be cooking."
"But you're so much better at it than I am, Shin-chan," the Captain repeated, her pout intensifying.
"Just let me get to work, ok?"
The next morning, Misato was less than gentle with her alarm clock when she attempted to silence the infernal device.
"Too early!" she grumbled angrily.
It had not been a good night for the purple-haired woman. While the actual food that Shinji prepared had been up to his usual standard and the conversation was pleasant, it was the way her thoughts had drifted after she'd turned in for the night.
Misato's mind had been running for most of the night as she pieced together the information she'd gleaned from her conversations with Shinji.
"Damn, Ritsuko's gonna have a field day when she finds out why I didn't get much sleep," the purple-haired woman groused. "I can just imagine her smug voice as she bitches about me thinking about young men all night. Still, I guess that it could be worse – Shinji-kun could be making sex tapes when I'm not here."
The beer drinker paused as she realised just who had been raising the pilot prior to his arrive in Tokyo-3.
"Wait, do I really know that he's not making sex tapes while I'm not here?"
Misato suddenly felt rather self-conscious and glanced around the room, looking for signs of covert surveillance on Shinji's part.
"Nah, I have to believe that Shinji-kun's not like that. If only to keep me from moving to harder liquor."
The school day proceeded as normal for Shinji; in that he was asked about his Uncle Rocco's friends and if he could get some signed photos of them.
"To be honest," the pilot said as he was surrounded during the lunch break, "I haven't had a chance to contact Uncle Rocco or any of my friends from Osaka."
"Oh," Kensuke said, disappointed. "Still, will you get the chance to do that tonight?"
"I don't know, I've got to go into NERV after school today."
"Oh," the otaku replied. "I don't suppose that you could arrange for me to have a tour some time, could you?"
"I'll ask Misato-san when I go in," Shinji said. "But I can't promise anything."
At NERV, Gendo Ikari was being briefed on the results of Rei's latest physical examination.
"She's recovering nicely sir," Ritsuko Akagi explained. "At this rate, she'll be capable of piloting Unit-00 in combat within the next two months."
"Excellent," the Commander replied. "Are there any problems with the Third Child?"
"So far he's improved with every sync test, but there are one or two things that give us cause for concern," the bottle blonde answered.
Gendo's face remained as impassive as ever as he gestured for the scientist to continue.
"Well the thing is, we're a bit concerned about Shinji-kun's behaviour," Ritsuko said. "We think that he might have picked it up during his time in Osaka."
"And is this behaviour detrimental to our plans for Instrumentality?"
"Not really, but it's having an effect on Captain Katsuragi."
"How?" Gendo asked, his tone hinting that he was beginning to tire of this meeting.
The scientist picked up on the tone of annoyance and decided that it wasn't worth bothering the Commander just yet. "It's just the sort of habit a teenaged boy would have. I'll talk with Shinji-kun and Misato to see if we can sort it out…"
"You do that."
Shinji rode the train to NERV HQ in a comfortable silence.
'It's nice to be left alone,' he thought as the train pulled away from his penultimate stop on the line.
Fortunately for the pilot, he was allowed to remain in his preferred state until the completion of his journey at the pilots' locker rooms, where he was met by Ritsuko Akagi.
"Ah, Shinji-kun, I'm glad to see that you're punctual," the blonde smiled politely.
"I try to make sure Misato-san's up in time for work, but unless I actually go into her room and drag her out of bed, there's not a lot more that I can do," Shinji replied with an apologetic look on his face.
"She was like that in college," Ritsuko recalled with an amused look. "How are things at home? Aside from Misato's inability to get up in the morning, I mean."
"Everything's going ok, I guess," the pilot shrugged.
"So you and Misato aren't fighting over anything?"
"No. Why? Did she say that I wasn't doing my share of the chores?"
"No, I'm referring to," the blonde leaned in for some privacy. "I'm referring to your habit of not wearing many clothes."
"Oh, that. But what am I supposed to do when all my clothes are being washed?" Shinji asked.
"A valid question, but I think that the correct solution to that problem is to either buy some more clothes or not wait until you're completely out of clean clothes," Ritsuko explained. "Why don't you get Misato to take you shopping at the weekend?"
"I don't have an extensive wardrobe because I don't have any money," Shinji said. "And I can't expect Misato-san to pay for things like that; she already pays the rent and all the other bills."
The scientist had to admit that Shinji did have a good point. However, the pilot was unaware that Misato would soon be receiving a stipend for caring for him.
"One moment, Shinji-kun," Ritsuko smiled before taking out her mobile phone. "Hi, Maya? It's Dr. Akagi, I need you to look into some paperwork for me. Can you see if Misato's getting living expenses for Shinji-kun? You can? That's great, Maya."
Shinji looked at the blonde questioningly when she ended the call. "Dr. Akagi?"
"Misato should be getting some money to cover your expenses soon, Shinji-kun."
"Oh, ok. Is there anything else you wanted to talk to me about before the test?" the pilot asked. "It's just that the sooner we're done the tests, the sooner I can wash the LCL off."
"Fair enough, I'll see you in the test area, ok?" Ritsuko smiled politely.
Misato stood sipping her sixth mug of coffee of the day as she observed the latest sync test. "So, how're you doing, Shinji? What do you think of the plugsuits?"
"¬I can't complain too much. They're certainly a lot more comfortable than most of the PVC fetish wear I've encountered. Though, I can't say that I like the way the LCL gets in and starts chafing,¬" Shinji said.
"They're not fetish wear!" Ritsuko insisted. "Do you have any idea how much effort went into their design and manufacture? Not only are they insulated against heat and cold, but they monitor your life-signs and have defibrillators in the event of cardiac arrest!"
"Plus they have a digital watch on the left wrist," Misato added teasingly.
"¬So they do,¬" Shinji confirmed with the press of a button. "¬I didn't realise that you'd spent so much time and effort on them, Dr. Akagi. I'm sorry if I upset you.¬"
The bottle-blonde's feelings were sufficiently soothed to allow the test to continue without any further incident.
After his shower, Shinji was feeling pretty good about things in general. Sure, there was the fact that he would most likely be asked to cook dinner again and it was coming up to laundry day, but as his Uncle Rocco had told him, "Even Hercules had to clean out stables."
"I wonder is Misato-san would like a vegetable lasagne for dinner," the pilot pondered as he buttoned up his white shirt.
Stepping out of the changing room, he walked to Captain Katsuragi's office. As he made his way through the corridors of NERV, he encountered a trio of female staff and greeted them politely.
Shinji frowned slightly when they didn't respond as he expected, but shrugged it off as he knew that he was new there and probably didn't rate their attention just yet.
'Uncle Ivor mentioned that in some organisations, the newer members can be treated as second or even third class people. I'll just have to work hard to gain their respect,' the young man decided.
When he turned the corridor, two of the women turned to face Maya Ibuki.
"So who is that, Maya?" the first woman, a young lady with jet black hair asked.
"That's Shinji Ikari," the bridge operative answered, her cheeks filling with blood. "He's the Commander's son."
"The Commander's son?" the third, a technician with wire-frame glasses, asked, not seeing the resemblance. "But why would he be here?"
"He's the pilot of Unit-01," Maya added.
"Ah," the two others nodded in unison. "But why isn't he wearing trousers?"
"If I had an answer for that, I'd tell Akagi-sempai – she mentioned something about Ikari-kun's unusual habits the other day…"
"Misato-san," Shinji called out as he knocked on the Captain's office door.
"Come in, Shinji," the purple haired woman replied. Her attention was still focused on some paper work. "Is there anything you wanted?"
"I was just wondering if you wanted vegetable lasagne for dinner tonight," the pilot said as he approached the desk.
"Hmm," Misato said, her gaze turning to the ceiling. "Sounds good to me, Shinji. You know, you're taking good care of me. Are you sure there's nothing you want?"
Before Shinji could protest that his intentions were innocent, Kozo Fuyutsuki walked past the open door.
"What the Hell is going on here?" the grey-haired man demanded, his normally deep voice taking on a shrill tone. "Captain Katsuragi, how could you take advantage of Pilot Ikari like this?"
"Like what?" the beer drinker replied in confusion.
Misato stood up from her seat and looked at Shinji. "Shinji, where are the rest of your clothes?"
"What? Oh," Shinji replied, tapping his knuckles on his head. "I was so focused on dinner, I must have forgotten to finish getting dressed. Sorry about that, Misato-san."
While the Tactical Operations officer had seen the young man with fewer clothes on, she had yet to see if his choice of underwear was as he claimed when Ritsuko and the Horaki sisters were visiting.
"Is that a loincloth?"
"Yes," Shinji nodded. "I've always appreciated the combination of functionality and tasteful understatement. I've never really liked bright, contrasting colours or distinctive patterns."
"I see," Misato nodded.
"Will the pair of you stop acting like nothing is wrong? Pilot Ikari, go and put some trousers on! Captain Katsuragi, you're on report!" Fuyutsuki barked angrily.
"Yes sir," the partially dressed youth said, shying away from the Sub-Commander's angry tone.
Sitting in his office, Gendo Ikari was looking over the invitation to examine a recently found artefact off the Antarctic coast.
"Hmm, according to the Scrolls, the next Angel should be here soon. Perhaps now is the time for us to see just what Captain Katsuragi is capable of," the bearded man mused. Reaching for his phone, he dialled his deputy. "Sensei, we'll be leaving for the Antarctic soon. Captain Katsuragi will be left in charge in the event of an incident."
"¬Ah, about Katsuragi,¬" the elderly man said. "¬I'm initiating disciplinary procedures against her.¬"
"Why?"
"¬I found the Third Child partially dressed in her office.¬"
Gendo blinked. "And how is this Katsuragi's fault? Was she about to engage in sadomasochist activities with the Third Child?"
"¬Not that I could see, ¬" Fuyutsuki admitted.
"Why was the Third Child 'semi-naked'?"
"¬He… He claimed that he was so focused on his evening meal that he forgot to finish dressing.¬"
"And how is his lapse in concentration Captain Katsuragi's fault? It's her concern, yes, but how is it her fault?" the bearded man asked, his tone clearly beginning to show his annoyance with the matter.
"¬But still, she shouldn't have semi-naked young men in her office!¬"
"So you'd rather she have semi-naked young women in her office?"
To be continued…
You know what goes here by now.