I Can't Believe It's Not 15 IBRC Certification
By Lord Raa
Disclaim-me-do: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of SEELE.
Chapter 8
Ritsuko Akagi was normally calm and collected, so it was a surprise for Misato to hear her old friend let out a scream of horror.
Deciding that it probably wasn't a spider in the bathtub, the Captain reached for her service pistol and slowly approached the bathroom.
"Are you alright, Ritsuko?"
"There's a naked man in your bathroom, Misato. And it's not Shinji-kun," the scientist answered. "Who are you and why are you here?"
"I was invited to stay for a few days by Hot Stuff," the porn-star introduced himself with a bow.
"'Hot Stuff'? Did Misato put you up to this? Did she arrange for a man to stay here because she thinks I'm getting frustrated?" Ritsuko demanded.
"What? No, I was invited by Shinji," Rocco explained. "I'm Rokku Haado. You know, Shinji's Uncle Rocco."
"…"
Misato arrived on the scene. "Did I miss a memo saying that I was now responsible for strategic beefcake reserves?"
"No, not that I'm aware of. Apparently, Shinji-kun invited his Uncle Rocco over," the bottle-blonde explained.
"He did?" the purple haired woman asked, her lips becoming rather dry.
"Yes, he did," Rocco confirmed. "And since when did one man become a strategic reserve?"
"Well, there's you and Shinji…" Misato trailed off when she realised what she had just said. She shook her head before continuing. "You both misheard what I said. I was most certainly not considering being DP'd by Rokku Haado and Shinji."
"I never suggested anything of the sort," the naked man replied, his hands held up in an attempt to calm things down. "But pleasing people is what I do for a living."
"Hang on," Ritsuko interrupted. "If there are four people staying here tonight and there are only three beds, doesn't that mean someone's going to have to find a comfortable spot on the floor?"
"No, not if Misato wants to be spit-roasted by me and Hot Stuff tonight. Or perhaps you would prefer the double-dicking? You look like you're in need of a good meat injection," Rocco smirked.
"What? So you can try your French Flipper Trick on me? Please, that's overhyped and you know it," the scientist scoffed.
"Overhyped? Who showed it to you? Because I know that I taught Hot Stuff how to do it properly."
"I... That's not important right now," Ritsuko said, turning away to hide the blush on her cheeks. "The fact of the matter is that your 'legendary technique' is little more than a pelvic exam. Hell, I could slip my gynaecologist a few extra yen and he'd do just the same thing."
The muscular man remained silent. 'She's tried to do it on herself – no wonder she's not that impressed with it. Still, perhaps this could be the practical test for Hot Stuff needs in order to get his certification?'
"Have you finished in here?" the bottle-blonde asked.
"Yeah, you need the toilet? Watersports aren't my thing, but if you get off on people watching you piss, then, well like I said earlier, I live to give people pleasure," the long haired man winked.
"It's alright, I wouldn't want to inconvenience you," Ritsuko said with gritted teeth. "Seeing as how it's not 'your thing'."
"Why don't we just leave Ritsuko to do her business and we can discuss a few things in the kitchen, ok?" Misato suggested, her eyes taking in every available millimetre of Rokku Haado.
As Rocco sat at the table, Misato opened the fridge and pulled out two cans of beer and handed one to the naked man.
"Thank you, Misato. So, what did you want to talk about?"
"Shinji," the purple-haired woman replied as she opened her can.
"Hot Stuff? He's a good kid, and I'm pretty easy-going, but I'm a bit too tired to put on a gay sex show to get you in the mood," Rocco said as he opened his own beer. When Misato looked questioningly at him he clarified things. "Gay sex takes a lot more mental preparation than just straight sex and I've had a long drive up from neo-Osaka. Not to mention what's scheduled for tomorrow: publicity, filming and possibly casting for another film.
"Besides, Shinji never said anything about being interested in gay sex."
Misato choked on her beer. "What?"
"Shinji just hasn't indicated that he likes boys as much as he likes girls," the adult entertainer explained. "Not that spit-roasting or otherwise DPing a woman is gay, you understand. It's not even bisexuality."
The Captain was clearly confused by this. "Please explain how this isn't gay or even bi behaviour. I'm obviously missing something."
"There are two things that are generally considered indicators of homosexuality when sex is going on." Rocco took a long pull on his beer. "One, in prison or other male rape situation, it's gay if you push back. Two, when the balls are touching. Now, I've been in this business for many years now and I can tell you that excellent ball control isn't just for midfielders."
"I see," Misato drawled. "And what about when it's one guy and two women?"
"The classic girl on each arm?" the naked man asked rhetorically as he stroked his neatly trimmed beard. "Well, that would depend on what you're doing. Lying on top of each other while the bloke alternates between you isn't lesbian any more than a spit-roast is gay. Now, if carpet's being munched, then that moves things up a notch. If creampie is on the menu, then it's generally considered to be bisexuality, where as if what's on offer is only Torta di Capelli, then tongues might wag. And not in the good way."
The purple-haired woman rubbed her temples. "This explains so much."
Rocco smirked as he brought his beer can up to his lips. "So, do you think about Hot Stuff?"
"Shinji? He's a good kid, a little weird, but given his upbringing, that's understandable," Misato answered, unable to resist the slight dig at the man opposite her.
"Such barbs wound me," the bearded man said theatrically. "But in all seriousness, would you do him? And if so, what would you do?"
"That's none of your business!" Misato shouted angrily.
"Oh really? Five minutes ago, you were talking about being double-teamed by us…" Rocco trailed off his comment to coincide with Shinji walking into the kitchen. "Hi there Hot Stuff, did you know that Misato wanted me and you to give her a good seeing to?"
"What?" the pilot asked, blinking in surprise. "I didn't know that Misato-san liked me that way."
"Well, it seems she does. Hey, why don't you call your girlfriend over and we can have an orgy?"
"Yeah, that's a great idea," the purple-haired woman said sarcastically.
"See, Misato doesn't object to group sex – I knew she was a fun person to know," Rocco said with a broad smile on his face.
"Actually I do object to having group sex," Misato said sternly, slamming her now empty can on the table.
"Why would you mislead Uncle Rocco like that? He was never good with sarcasm," Shinji said, defending his former guardian. "I understand if you don't approve of orgies on a school night, but you shouldn't tease people like that."
"Yeah, Misato, getting my hopes up like that," Rocco teased. "Still, I suppose I could show your friend why she was wrong about the French Flipper Trick."
Misato looked at the hand gesture the porn star made and tried to equate the motion with what Shinji had done to Kodama the other day. "Do I really want to know what goes where when you're doing this flipper thing?"
"No, not really," Ritsuko said with snooty tone from the doorway to the kitchen. "I told you: it's a glorified pelvic exam."
"No it's not," Shinji replied. "I know I've not got as much experience as Uncle Rocco, but if that's what you think it is, then someone did it wrong. I'll show you if you want."
"Err, show Misato," the blonde said, uncomfortable with the idea of Shinji groping her.
Misato looked unconvinced.
"I'll tell you what," Rocco said as he stood up. "I'll show both of you two lovely ladies at the same time. It shouldn't take too long, unless you've got bizarre medical conditions preventing you from climaxing."
"I'll make some dinner for you and Dr. Akagi," Shinji said as he made his way to the cupboard.
"Ok, fine," Misato sighed in defeat. "But I'm only doing this to back up my friend, ok?"
"I'm glad you consider me a friend, Misato," Rokku Haado winked.
Less than ten minutes later, Shinji smiled to himself as he heard two women finish screaming in pleasure at the top of their lungs.
"I told Dr. Akagi she was wrong."
The door to the guest room slid open and Rocco emerged with a gunslinger's swagger.
"I don't think we'll be having too many problems in the immediate future, Hot Stuff," the bearded man smirked. "Glorified pelvic exam! Ha!"
"So now what, Uncle Rocco?" Shinji asked as he turned the heat down on the stove.
"I guess your friends will want something to eat and some sleep. It wouldn't surprise me if they hadn't felt that good in a long, long time."
"I was referring to the rest of your visit," the pilot clarified. "How long will you be in town? Your letter didn't say exactly."
"Tomorrow, maybe the day after," Rocco replied apologetically as he washed his hands. "I can't afford to spend any more time away from the office."
"I understand, Uncle Rocco," Shinji nodded. There were some signs of life from the spare room as Ritsuko and Misato stirred from their euphoria. "I better get Misato-san a beer."
"The blonde probably could use one too."
A few minutes later, the two most lusted after women in NERV stumbled out of the guest room. They were on such an endorphin high that they were unmindful of their nakedness.
Ritsuko and Misato wore big smiles as they gently set themselves down on their chairs at the kitchen table, thankful for Shinji's offer of food and the cold beers in front of them.
"So," Rocco said. "Did we sort out the sleeping arrangements or not?"
"You're sleeping with me," the two women replied in unison. They turned to face each other.
A small part of Ritsuko's brain told her it know what was going on – that Rokku Haado had planned all of this, but this was smothered by the less logic orientated parts.
"Your bed better not collapse on us, Misato."
"I think my bed can handle three people for a night," Misato said rolling her eyes.
The two women finished their meal in peace, allowing Shinji to relax a little more. "I'll clear the table, Misato-san, you go on off to bed."
"Are you really ok with us, you know, in my room?" the Captain asked, swirling her beer can in a circle on the tabletop.
"It's not that big a deal, Misato-san," the pilot smiled reassuringly. "I learned shut out all sorts of disturbances at an early age."
"But…" Ritsuko started to protest.
"But nothing, Titsuko," Rocco said, stepping into the discussion. "Don't worry about Hot Stuff, worry more about how you and your friend want to position yourselves on her bed. Ask yourselves this: 'what's on the menu tonight?'"
"Do I want to know what menu you're talking about?" the bottle blonde asked in confusion.
"…" Misato blushed slightly. "I… I think on alternating would be the best choice, we just ate after all."
"Fair enough," the bearded man replied. "Let's get things going, shall we?"
The next morning, the manager of Tokyo-3's premier adult emporium was fretting over the late arrival of his latest promotional event.
"Just where is he?" Kenichi Tanaka asked the trio of young women to his right.
"We don't know, Tanaka-san," Aoi Sanada insisted. "We took a taxi to the hotel while Rocco-san went off in the Party Van with Shinji-kun."
"Yeah," identical bleached-blonde twins, dressed in Gothic Lolita fashion, sighed in unison. "It's a shame we couldn't spend more time with Shinji-kun."
"Kei-chan, Yuri-chan, you shouldn't keep trying to get Shinji-kun to find out what the most telling difference between you is," Aoi chided, though the look on her face completely derailed her moral authority.
Kei frowned, but Yuri smirked as a quartet of men walked up behind the brunette.
"Sorry I'm late," the tallest man in the store said. "I was seeing if these men were suitable for The Human Element. If all goes to plan we'll film some scenes later tonight after Hole Sale."
"I'm glad you're here, Rocco-san," Kenichi Tanaka said, wiping his brow. He looked past the casually dressed man to see that there was a teenaged boy in a white shirt flanked by the three men in black suits. "Is there a reason why there's a boy with you?"
"Are you referring to Hot Stuff?" Rocco asked. "Because if you're throwing him out, then we're packing up and leaving now."
"I was just wondering if he was with you," the store manager said in a placating voice. "I can hardly bar members of your production team when you're all here for promotions, now can I?"
"I'm glad we cleared that up. Now, where do you want us?"
"Actually, Uncle Rocco, I should get to school," Shinji interrupted, causing the trio of lovely ladies to pout.
"Hey, you three better not be lusting over Shinji again," Rocco said in a surprisingly stern tone. "I told you that he's too busy to spend time on set as your flipper."
"But…" Kei and Yuri protested in unison.
"Look, I know you girls like Shinji," the bearded man said sympathetically, "but he's needed elsewhere in Tokyo-3. You all remember why he moved out here last month?"
"I'll be back after school," Shinji promised. "It's just that if I don't go, I'll get into trouble with Misato-san."
On the way back Shinji's classroom from recess, Kensuke Aida was explaining to his friend, Touji Suzuhara, just how awesome it was to know Shinji Ikari.
"I don't care about the new student," the muscular youth dismissed before Kensuke could go much further. "The only thing that could make me care would be if he could get me better porn than you."
"Dude, that's what I'm trying to tell you!" the otaku said, his face lit up like a neon sign. "He knows porn-stars!"
"Yeah right," Touji snorted. "Next thing you'll be telling me that the Party Van's in town."
"…" Kensuke blinked. "It is, I rode on it yesterday. Rokku Haado himself dropped me off near my home."
The classroom door opened and an apologetic looking young man entered.
"Sorry I'm late."
"Why were you late, Shinji-kun?" Hikari asked, confused by the pilot's uncharacteristically poor timekeeping.
"I was helping Uncle Rocco set up some things," Shinji explained.
"What sort of things?" Kensuke asked, hoping that Shinji and Touji would get along.
"I was helping him out with some casting for a new …" the pilot was cut off by his phone ringing.
"¬Shinji, it's Misato here, we need you to get to NERV ASAP! There's been an Angel detected and we're going to launch!¬" a slightly panicking voice explained. "¬Get by the gates, there's a car on the way to bring you here.¬"
"Ok," Shinji replied as Misato ended the call. "I think there's an emergency."
Before Hikari Horaki could ask for details, the Angel Alarm sounded and everyone was ushered to the nearest shelter.
"Come on, Shinji, you can walk with us," Kensuke smiled. "Right, Touji?"
"Yeah, if you really want to," the tracksuit-clad youth shrugged.
"Actually, I'm needed at NERV," the young Ikari apologised. "I'll meet you later, ok?"
There were many things that Ritsuko Akagi prided herself on; her professionalism and work ethic were just two of them. So it came as a surprise to Misato Katsuragi to see the bottle-blonde scientist cast more speculative looks at the newly arrived Shinji Ikari than normal.
"Are you ready to pilot, Shinji-kun?" Ritsuko asked, her eyes sweeping all over the young man's slender form.
"I think so, Dr. Akagi," Shinji smiled.
"Do you have any idea how to defeat this Angel?" Misato asked, somewhat unsure of how react to the apparent change in Ritsuko's attitude to her young roommate.
"We haven't even managed to get a visual on it just yet," the scientist admitted. "So I'm afraid that you'll have to be prepared for anything."
"I understand," the pilot nodded before heading off to the locker room.
"So…"
"I thought that we agreed not to talk about last night, Ritsuko," Misato replied, cutting off any potential unsavoury conversation.
"I was only going to ask if you knew how long Rocco's going to be in town," the faux blonde replied.
"I should have realised," the Captain sighed, her face in the palm of her right hand. "No, I don't know how long Rocco's going to be in town. I wouldn't be surprised if he cuts his visit short because of the attack. Now, let's get going, or do you want us all to die?"
Shinji cocked his head to one side as he appraised the latest Angel to arrive in the fortress city of Tokyo-3.
Unsure of what his senses were telling him, he activated the comm. system.
"Err, Misato-san, I don't mean to be rude, but are you seeing the giant penis with tentacles that I'm seeing?"
"¬… Shit, you're right, Shinji!¬"
"Ok, it's not a problem; I just wanted to check that nothing was wrong. But now that I think about it, I've never wrestled with a penis before, tentacled or otherwise. What should I do?" the pilot asked with genuine uncertainty in his voice.
"¬Shoot it with your rifle!¬" Misato bellowed.
Aoba blinked twice before turning to face to Shigeru.
"You know, I think this is one of those 'once you've seen something, you can't unsee it' moments."
"Yeah, you're right."
Maya Ibuki sighed at the comments of her colleagues. She looked at Dr. Akagi and Captain Katsuragi, idly wondering why they'd arrived together.
'Sempai's timekeeping is usually good, so something must have happened last night. And why was Sempai looking at Shinji-kun like that…' realisation dawned on the Lieutenant's face. "Sempai! French Flipper Trick! Last night! Shinji-kun!"
"What?" the two older women asked, their blushes betraying the feigned outrage in their protest.
"Last night, you made Shinji-kun do the French Flipper Trick to you, didn't you, Sempai?" Maya accused.
"I did not make Shinji-kun do anything to me last night," Ritsuko insisted.
"It's true," Misato added. "Shinji only made Ritsuko dinner last night, nothing more."
"¬Why does everyone assume I can't keep my hands to myself?¬" Shinji asked. His rhetorical words causing a little bit of a panic when the Bridge Crew realised that the comm. system was still on.
"Err, don't worry about that right now, Shinji, you just shoot that Angel, ok?" Misato ordered.
Elsewhere in Tokyo-3, Kensuke and Touji were having a discussion about their new classmate.
"Dude, do you really expect me to believe that the new kid knows Rokku Haado?" Touji asked, rolling his eyes.
"Touji, he doesn't just know Rokku Haado, he used to live with him before he came to Tokyo-3!" the otaku replied. "I met Rokku Haado myself yesterday. In fact, I got a couple of photos of the Party Van!"
The muscular youth looked at the digital image. "You've got to be shittin' me! That's fuckin' Rokku Haado!"
Hikari Horaki sighed. 'Those two are going to get into trouble unless I keep an eye on them.'
The Class Rep made her apologies to her friends and walked over to where the two perverts were talking. "I'm going to have to ask you two to keep it down, there are kids in here."
"But Class Rep, do you have any idea who the new kid knows?" Touji demanded.
"I know that he used to live with someone famous, but that's no reason to disrupt the rest of the shelter," the brunette chided. "Please, calm down."
Suddenly, a thought hit Kensuke. 'Maybe…' "Err, excuse us, Class Rep, but we need to use the toilet."
Hikari was about to say 'no', when she realised that they could be in there for some time. "Ok, but be quick about it, ok?"
"Will do," the bespectacled youth smiled.
As the two friends stood side by side at the urinals, Kensuke made his suggestion.
"I think that we should get a good look at Shinji in action fighting that monster."
"Why?" Touji asked as he finished up. "Why would we want to go out there? It's dangerous. You do know that my sister got hurt because we didn't get to a shelter in time?"
"Well, yes, but we have to support our friend as he risks his life for the city!" the bespectacled youth insisted.
"Dude," the tracksuit clad boy said, finally turning to face his friend. "I get that you like weapons 'n shit, but I don't get how going topside is gonna help some robot pilot."
"But this could be our only chance to see a battle first hand!"
"Dude, I'm not going up there. What if we don't make it back? Who's going to look after my sister? If you want to go, then go, I'm not gonna rat you out or anything, but I'm not leaving until they tell us it's ok to leave."
Back in the entry plug of Unit-01, Shinji looked over the phallic Angel that was approaching his position.
"Right, let's try this rifle," he said aiming the oversized weapon and letting off a short burst.
It became obvious that of the seven rounds fired, a mere three hit the Angel, not slowing it down. Shinji frowned but opened fire again; trying to keep the aim in what he assumed was the centre mass.
The smoke cleared to reveal that the monster was unharmed and now appeared very angry.
"What do I do now?" the pilot asked, not quite sure how to deal with something that was now wrapping a tentacle around his weapon.
"Oh crap," Misato winced when she saw how the pallet rifle had exploded. The way that Unit-01 had been knocked backwards towards a hill was disheartening for the tactical officer. "Shinji, we're going to bring you back in, head towards the nearest recovery point."
"¬Ok, Misato-san, just tell me where-¬" Shinji's response was cut off by the Angel charging his prone Evangelion.
"¬AARRGGHHH!¬"
"Shinji!"
"D-don't worry about that, Misato-san," Shinji said over the comm. system. "I'll make it back – it's my turn to make dinner, right?"
Taking a moment to compose himself, the teenager opened the shoulder compartment and activated the progressive knife. Gripping it with both hands, he thrust the blade forward into a red orb in the centre of the Angel.
The Angel's tentacles seemed to spasm for several seconds as Shinji forced the knife further into the core. Finally, the appendages stopped moving.
"Is… is it dead?" Shinji asked.
"¬Hang on, Shinji, we're just checking,¬" Misato answered.
To be continued...
Pre-read by Chi Vayne, and possibly previewed on a forum or two.
I make no guarantees as to when the next chapter will surface.
Until laterer comes.