I Can't Believe It's Not 15 IBRC Certification
By Lord Raa
Disclaim-me-do: Calling it "the human element" doesn't make the hooker scowl any less as she's wiping her eyes.
Chapter 9
Shinji bid good night to his roommates before retiring to his room. Seconds after closing the door, he collapsed on his bed. He was glad that the Angel had been defeated so quickly, but he could have done without the lengthy debriefing or the questions from his Uncle Rocco's co-workers.
'It's not that I don't like Aoi-san, but did she really have to grab me like that to re-enact the battle for Kei-san and Yuri-san?' the pilot wondered as he wriggled under his bedcovers. 'At least Uncle Rocco, Misato-san and Dr. Akagi are getting along.'
The three adults in question were getting along nicely inside Misato's living room, especially since the more adult actor had promised them a reward for saving the day.
"Now then, ladies, since it's down to your quick thinking that Hot Stuff was able to fight that monster without getting hurt, I'm going to treat you. What would you like me to do?" Rocco asked.
"Well, I wouldn't mind that flipper thing again," Ritsuko said, her memories of a past experience bringing forth a smile.
"Certainly, my dear Ruttingko. And you, Misato?"
"You know, it's been a long time since I had a good, hard fuck, followed by some nice spooning," the beer drinker answered wistfully.
The porn-star nodded. "Wait; did you say 'spooning' or 'scooping'? I don't mind doing either of them, but there's a significant difference."
"Spooning," Misato sighed. "Do you have to make everything filthy?"
"It's why I get paid the big money, my darling."
The next morning, Shinji bid his uncle farewell.
"Take care, Hot Stuff," Rokku smiled. "You don't want me to have to tell the girls the bad news, do you?"
"No, Uncle Rocco, I don't," the pilot replied. "Oh, I almost forgot to ask; were Nakata-san and his team any help to you?"
"From what I've seen of the rushes, they were brilliant, Shinji. Not only were they ready and willing to help out when the rest of the male cast fled for the hills, but they were pretty professional. Tell them I'll send them all a signed copy when it hits the shelves, ok?" the porn-star said with an upturned thumb. "Anyway, I've got to go back to the office and edit everything together. You keep up the good work."
"Will do, Uncle Rocco," Shinji saluted as the Party Van pulled off.
Moments later, Kensuke Aida and Touji Suzuhara came running up to where Shinji was standing.
"Where is he?" the muscular youth asked, barely out of breath. "Where's Rokku Haado?"
"Uncle Rocco? He just left," the pilot answered, pointing at the disappearing vehicle.
"We missed it? Shit!" Touji cursed. "It's your fault, Kensuke – if you weren't so weak and feeble, we'd have made it in time!"
"Bite me," Kensuke panted. "Did… did you get any gifts from your friends, Shinji?"
The young Ikari was torn. While he didn't want to lie to his friends, his gift wasn't a physical item. 'How do I tell them that, Kei-san and Yuri-san pinned me to the wall and kissed me while Aoi-san tried to take my clothes off?'
Shinji looked to the floor and put his hands in his pockets. He noticed that there was something in each pocket that hadn't been put there by him. After a moment, he realised what material the items were made of.
"Shinji?" Kensuke asked, having nearly regained his breath. "You alright man?"
"I… yeah, but…" the pilot blushed as he tried to word his response.
"What're hiding from us?" Touji demanded.
"Well, it's just that…" Shinji took a deep breath. "See for yourselves."
Kensuke and Touji were stunned when their friend pulled out two pairs of panties.
"Dude, did you get some used panties from two AV idols?" the bespectacled boy asked.
Shinji finally lifted them up to his eye-line. "Oh, they're signed. 'To my darling Hot Stuff, I won't be needing these when we meet again. Love Kei.'"
The two stooges stood open-mouthed as the pilot turned his attention to the other undergarment. "These are signed too. 'I regret that I have but one body to give to the saviour of humanity. That's why Kei and I are always up for a threesome with you.'"
Touji blinked. "Wha…?"
"Shinji, how much?" Kensuke asked, finally getting his voice box to work. "Seriously man, what do you want for them? I'll give you anything you want. I'll do anything you want."
"I can't sell you a gift, even if it is undeserved," Shinji insisted. "It wouldn't be right."
"Then how about give them to us as a sign of our friendship?" the otaku salivated. "I mean, if you feel that bad about having them, we'll take them off your hands."
"Wait," Touji said, his brain finally catching up on the whole picture. "If you're the 'saviour of humanity', then you're that robot pilot. You're the one who hurt my sister!"
The pilot gulped nervously. "…"
"But I suppose that I can forgive you. For a price…" the jock grinned evilly.
"I… I suppose that if it'll mean you won't hurt me," Shinji reasoned. "How much money do you want?"
"We don't want money."
"Oh… You want these."
Kensuke was impressed with the devious plan his friend had come up with so quickly. 'But why's Touji so bad at schoolwork?'
"Now, you hand over the panties and we'll forgive and forget and be the best of friends, ok?" Touji smiled genuinely.
"Well, Uncle Rocco always said you can't do everything on your own, some times you need to team up. I accept," Shinji said holding out his arms. "Take your pick."
There was a loud cough interrupting the decision making process.
"Who's that?" the muscular youth asked, unhappy that he was being denied his prize.
"Someone who hopes that you're not trying to extort valuable items for Shinji Ikari," a man in a black suit answered as he stepped into view. "Because if you are, then I'll have to pull out my gun and that means a lot of paperwork. And if I'm filling out paper work, then I might as well check the box that says I was compelled to use force to ensure the safety of the pilot of Unit-01."
"Saito-san!" Shinji exclaimed.
"Shinji-kun," Saito nodded before turning his attention to the two stooges. "Do you really want to continue with this plan of yours?"
"Who the fuck are you?" Touji demanded.
"I'm Saito, from NERV's Section Two. Not only is it my job to protect Shinji Ikari, but he's also my friend. Now, you can apologise to Shinji for trying to steal his stuff, or I can shoot you in the kneecaps. What's it going to be?"
"Fu-" the jock's attempt to call the bluff was cut off by the arrival of two more men in black suits.
"Saito, what's going on?" Nakata asked, drawing his service pistol in a single, fluid motion. "Who're these idiots? Are they threatening Shinji-kun?"
"I'm not sure, they haven't decided if they like being able to walk or not," Saito replied as he also pulled out his pistol. "So then boys, what's your answer going to be?"
"Touji, I think we should walk away," Kensuke said, barely able to keep control of his bladder.
The sound of hammers being cocked back made the tracksuit clad youth reconsider. "Err…"
"They're my friends," Shinji insisted, hoping to avoid violence.
"Are we misunderstanding the situation here, are these your friends, Shinji-kun?" Saito asked. "Because if they are, then they need to realise that friends don't threaten to beat you up to get stuff."
"We've learned this valuable lesson!" Kensuke insisted, bowing his head. "Come on Touji, let's go and reflect on this wisdom."
"Yeah, err, see you around?" Touji shrugged before running off.
Nakata turned to Shinji, putting away his pistol. "So, what were they trying to beat get from you?"
"These," the pilot said holding up the panties with the personalised messages.
"… I can see why they'd want these."
Saito shook his head. "Let's get you home, Shinji-kun."
"Yeah, I'm cooking for Misato-san tonight," Shinji nodded. "Oh, Uncle Rocco said that he was impressed with you when you helped him out."
"See, Shinji-kun, you're our friend, we'll look out for you," Nakata smiled. "If you've ever got something you need help with, let us know and we'll do what we can."
"Thank you, Nakata-san."
Shinji returned home to see Misato and Ritsuko talking with a brunette at the door.
"Misato-san?"
"Well, he's here now," the purple-haired woman shrugged. "Kodama wanted to know where you were."
"Hi Shinji-kun," Kodama smiled. "I wanted to say thank you for saving us all."
"It's ok," the pilot shrugged.
"Well, I wanted to thank you _personally_," the brunette winked. "Especially since you've done so much for me."
"I appreciate the offer, Kodama-san, but I've got to make dinner for Misato-san and Ritsuko-san."
"I'll help you."
Not wanting to risk alienating more friends, Shinji agreed. "Just let me get ready and I'll start on dinner."
Ritsuko and Misato sat on the couch as Shinji prepared dinner. While the Captain was sipping a beer, she noticed that the scientist seemed agitated about something.
"What's up, Ritsuko?"
"Nothing," the blonde lied.
"Yeah, nothing's wrong. Just like you weren't enjoying one last fumble with Rokku Haado this morning before he said goodbye," Misato said sarcastically, not seeing that Shinji had entered the room. "Oh shit, don't tell me that's why you're upset."
"Why who is upset?" the pilot asked.
The beer drinker clenched her teeth, not wanting to cause more trouble for the teenaged boy.
"Nothing's upsetting anyone, Shinji-kun," Ritsuko insisted. Her tone was icy, but her eyes cast a speculative glance over the nearly naked young man.
"Oh, OK," Shinji replied, beginning to feel uncomfortable with the situation. "I just wanted to tell you that dinner will be ready in five minutes, so if you wanted to wash up."
"Thanks, Shin-chan," Misato smiled. When the pilot left the room, she turned to face her friend. "Look, Ritsuko, I know you enjoyed that French Flipper Thingy, but Shinji's got a girlfriend, so you can't just expect him to act like his Uncle Rocco."
"I wasn't expecting him to act like his Uncle Rocco," Ritsuko said dismissively as she stood up to use the bathroom. "I'm just saying that I wouldn't object if he did."
"Remind me again why you're staying here."
The faux blonde shrugged.
At the dinner table, Kodama made small talk with Shinji. The older women had differing thoughts on the apparent success.
Misato thought that it was a good thing that Shinji was getting along with his girlfriend, while Ritsuko's thoughts were more selfish.
'I need to find another man that I can trust for that French Flipper Trick. Sorry, Kodama-chan, but NERV takes priority here,' the blonde thought with a smirk.
The Captain noticed the look on her friend's face and leaned in to say something. "Ritsuko, don't fuck up Shinji's shot at a relationship."
"What? I would never sabotage Shinji-kun's chance at happiness by mentioning that I saw three girls kissing and groping him before they left with Rokku Haado," Ritsuko insisted in her best innocent tone.
"What?" Kodama asked, turning to face the scientist.
"I saw Shinji kissing two blondes and a brunette earlier."
"It wasn't my fault! There were three of them, I was outnumbered!" Shinji insisted. "Kei-san, Yuri-san and Aoi-san just wanted to thank me for saving Tokyo-3. They had the element of surprise and before I knew it, they had me pinned against the wall forcing their panties into my pockets!"
The three females sat opened mouthed at the pilot's story.
Kodama was unsure if she should be outraged or impressed. She knew that there were others interested in Shinji, but she didn't know that his friends from Neo-Osaka had the tendency to molest him like that.
Misato had long since realised why her off-duty clothes hadn't gotten a reaction from Shinji, but it was only now that she was beginning to truly understand why Shinji hadn't responded to her flirting. 'I guess that Kodama might have to step things up if she wants to keep Shin-chan.'
Ritsuko shook her head, impressed with the sincerity of Shinji's words. "I'm sure that you feel that you were innocent in this matter," she said as she stood up and walked to where the pilot was sitting.
"I would believe you too, if it wasn't for the fact that you're sporting an erection from reliving the event!" the scientist declared, pulling Shinji up from his seat and turning him to face her. "Ha! See… wait, what's wrong here? Why aren't you in danger or poking one of my eyes out?"
"I think the real question is why are you so interested in Shin-chan's erection, Ritsuko?" Misato asked, putting down her beer.
"That's a very good question," Kodama agreed, unhappy at the way her boyfriend was being treated.
Shinji wriggled free from the blonde's grasp. "I know it's not my place to judge people for what they like to do in their spare time, but can we wait until after dinner before starting anything like this? And don't you think you should ask Kodama-san and Misato-san if they want to see you groping me first?"
"I… But why aren't you hard?" the blonde demanded as she cupped Shinji's balls. "Any other boy in your position would be spurting over my hand by now!"
"That's because it's dinner time, Dr. Akagi," the pilot chided. "And dinner normally comes before fooling around. Now, can we finish our food before it gets cold?"
"… Sorry, Shinji-kun," Ritsuko said, returning to her seat when she felt the glares from the other diners.
"Weren't you supposed to be keep things like from happening?" Misato asked, picking up her beer. "What would the Vice-Commander say?"
"I…" the blonde trailed off. "Damn it, I never meant for this to happen. I was caught up in the moment when Rokku Haado turned up and made me feel glad to be alive for the first time in years!"
The other women at the table were highly sceptical about Ritsuko's explanation for her sexual harassment of Shinji, but the young man in question was a trusting person.
"I understand what you mean, Ritsuko-san," the pilot said reassuringly. "Uncle Rocco said that there was a percentage of the population that were susceptible to erratic behaviour after experiencing the French Flipper Trick."
"Really?" Misato asked, peering over her beer at the naked youth.
"Yes, I'm not sure how much of this I'm remembering correctly, but I think it's something to do with brain chemistry. Something about the way the endorphins interact with nicotine levels in parts of the brain."
Ritsuko's normally brilliant mind processed Shinji's words, comparing them with what she knew about neurology. "There are centres that we know help control addiction and impulse control. And if there is pressure from swelling or foreign objects, then I can see how it could affect those parts of the brain."
"Wait, so you're telling me that you're brain damaged, Ritsuko?" the Captain teased.
The scientist ignored her friend's mockery and continued on her train of thought. "But how can there be pressure from a release of endorphins? Their effects don't last very long in the bloodstream. Also, nicotine doesn't have any abnormal effects on endorphins."
"Are you heavy smoker, Ritsuko-san?" Shinji asked. "Because when I asked Uncle Rocco about why some women were addicted to the French Flipper Trick, he said that people who were heavy smokers and ate a lot of processed food were more likely act irrationally until they got off."
"Is Ritsuko heavy smoker? She smokes like a damn chimney!" Misato laughed loudly.
"You drink like a fish," Ritsuko shot back.
"And Shinji-kun's hung like a horse," Kodama said absently, clearly enjoying her boyfriend's sartorial habits. She realised that people were looking at her. "What? Did I just say that out loud?"
"Yeah, you did," the college roommates said in unison.
Shinji looked down at his plate.
"I'm sorry, Shinji-kun, I didn't mean to embarrass you like that," the brunette apologised. "I was distracted and thought we were playing some sort of simile word game."
"It's ok, Kodama-san," the pilot smiled with a small blush. "I'm still getting used to my life here in Tokyo-3."
"What was it like when you were living with your Uncle Rocco?" Ritsuko asked, wondering what Shinji's blush was about.
"Well, there were some fun times," Shinji said, sitting up in his seat. "I mean, there was the time I was helping out on set with Flash and Grab."
"'Flash and Grab?'" the scientist repeated.
"Yes, it was a version of Uncle Ivor's story about sex addicts. That's the story they mention in Touching Folded Wings. Uncle Ivor went back and wrote Flash and Grab after people started writing in and asking about it and why the characters in 'Touching' were so interested in it."
"Wait, so it's a film version of a story that's in a story?" Misato asked.
"Yeah, Uncle Rocco was worried that it would sound a bit pretentious too, but he was happy about how it turned out," Shinji replied, "Especially since it won so many awards."
"What awards did it win?" Kodama asked.
"Well, there's: Best Direction, Best Scripted Story, Best Adaptation, Best Editing, Best Actor and Best Ensemble Cast," the pilot answered, counting on his fingers. "Plus its international grosses paid off Uncle Rocco's house."
"The mind boggles," Ritsuko said, shaking her head. "And just what did you do on set?"
"I helped with the catering and I was a general set dogsbody, getting more tapes, additional lights, towels, that sort of thing," Shinji said, finishing his food. "Oh, and I was a background actor in some of the outside scenes."
"What scenes were you in?" the blonde asked, leaning in to get a better reading of Shinji's body language.
"I was boy who got stalked by the character Ayane Yamadera."
"So, you are a porn star?" Misato smirked.
"No, I was never in a starring role – I was only speaking in four or five scenes, and then I was only naked in one of them," Shinji insisted. "And they were all cut from the final version of the film."
"Why were you naked in that scene, Shinji-kun?" Kodama asked, still shocked by her boyfriend's candour.
"I was playing the character 'Shiro', who gets used as a pawn in Yamaderas' games. One of their games was to seduce a young boy, but it doesn't work out as they planned," the pilot explained.
"Why not, Shinji-kun?" the brunette asked.
"Ayane is interrupted before she can do anything more than take her top off while they're in the bathroom. In the original book, she gets further into her plan before she has to sneak out the fire escape," Shinji replied.
The sound of the doorbell ringing cut off further discussion on Shinji Ikari's film career and the merits of the adaptation of Flash and Grab.
"I'll get it," the pilot smiled, rising to his feet.
Outside the apartment, Touji turned to Kensuke.
"Dude, are you sure this is a good idea? Won't he be angry?"
"Yeah, I checked the records myself. Don't worry about Shinji, he's a friendly guy," the otaku insisted.
The door opened to reveal Shinji in all his glory.
"Oh, hi, Kensuke, is there something I can do for you?"
"…" the two visitors stood open-mouthed.
"Is something wrong?" the pilot asked, looking concerned for his friends' wellbeing.
"D-d-d-dude…" Touji stammered pointing at Shinji's lack of clothing.
Shinji, not realising that he was what the tracksuit-clad youth was pointing at, turned to his right to reveal a trio of attractive women sitting at the dinner table, one of whom was an irritated looking bleach-blonde.
"Who's that at the door, Shinji-kun?" Ritsuko asked with a noticeable tone of displeasure in her voice. "We were just getting to the interesting part."
"I-i-interesting part?"
To be continued…
Pre-read by Chi Vayne and preveiwed on certain intertubes.