I Can't Believe It's Not 15 IBRC Certification

By Lord Raa

Disclaim-me-do: This is why you should only buy your BDSM gear from reputable sources. Because otherwise you could very well end up with a gimp mask made of plastic explosives.

Chapter 11

Kodama just managed to reach her seat before the teacher entered the classroom.

"Good morning class," the middle-aged man greeted. "Unfortunately, Yagami-sensei has called in sick this morning and I have asked to take charge of his morning PE classes. Because of that, I'm making this period self-study. And please use it to study; I intend to give you all a test this afternoon."

"I think we can manage that, Fujiyama-sensei," the class rep smiled.

"Thank you, Kanzaki-san. Now is everyone here? Yes, it looks like it from this angle. I'll see you all after lunch for an important test," Fujiyama smiled before leaving his classroom.

Tohru Kanzaki turned to see Kodama let out a sigh of relief. She walked over to her friend.

"Is something wrong, Kodama-chan? You were nearly late this morning."

"Sorry about that, Tohru-chan, I had to return home," Kodama explained.

"Did you forget your lunch or something?"

"Not quite, Tohru-chan," Kodama smiled nervously.

"Oh, what's this?" another classmate asked. She had long blonde hair, pulled tight in a pony tail. "Does Kodama Horaki have some unpleasant secret she's keeping under wraps?"

The eldest Horaki sister rolled her eyes when she realised that if she didn't explain things properly here and now, she'd have to put up with all sorts of rumours until the next major event.

"If you must know, Kyoko-chan, my terrible secret is that I slept over at my boyfriend's last night."

"Well, I guess that's a valid reason…" Kyoko trailed off. "Wait, since when did you have a boyfriend, Kodama? Who is he? What class is he in?"

Kodama took in a deep breath. "He doesn't go to this school."

"Oh, so you're dating a college student then?" Tohru asked. "What's he studying?"

"Err…"

"He's not a college student, is he?" Kyoko asked, having read the discomfort on Kodama's face. "So, what are you hiding from us, Kodama-chan? And why?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe it's your habit of stealing boyfriends, Kyoko-chan," Kodama sniped.

'That's a mean thing to say, Kodama-chan,' Tohru chided mentally. 'Doesn't make it any less true though…'

"What can I say, I've been blessed with natural talent," the blonde said, absently running a hand through her hair and drawing attention to her large breasts.

"Yeah, yeah, we get that you could have any guy you wanted, Kyoko-chan," a fourth female student spoke up. Megumi Unryuu was a victim of Kyoko's predations. She shot a dirty look at the slutty blonde before turning her attention to Kodama.

"So what's your boyfriend like, Kodama-chan?"

"Shinji-kun? Well, he's nice. He's not like other guys," Kodama thought with a fond smile on her face.

Megumi was happy for her friend. At least she was until a thought occurred to her. "Wait, wasn't that weird nudist kid from your sister's school called Shinji?"

Tohru was aghast. "Kodama-chan, don't tell me you're dating HIM?"

Kyoko's interest was obvious. 'A challenge appears!'

"Shinji-kun isn't just some weird nudist, he's special," the brunette replied.

"In what way?" the blonde asked, a plan of action forming in her mind. 'He's in junior high, so he should drool over my body, but what's this "weird" thing they mentioned?'

"Promise you won't blab this around, ok?" Kodama asked. When she saw the nods of agreement, she continued. "Shinji-kun is the pilot of that purple robot thing."

"So that means he must be quite fit then?" Kyoko asked, wondering if it would be worth going all the way with Shinji rather than just letting him cop a feel as she had with so many other conquests.

"Shinji-kun's body is in perfect shape," Kodama sighed dreamily.

"So you've actually seen him 'up close and personal', then?" Megumi asked rhetorically.

"Oh yes…"

In his class, Shinji Ikari was starting to feel uncomfortable. He couldn't put his finger on why he was, but he was narrowing it down to the feeling that people were planning things for him and the fact that some of his classmates had spent the night thinking about him.

The pilot closed his eyes for a moment as he thought about what to do. 'What should I do? I don't want to judge them for their thoughts, but I don't want to encourage them… I'll go with Uncle Rocco's "Look but don't touch" policy.'

Feeling better, Shinji returned his attention to the chalkboard and copied down the text.

To his left, Kensuke Aida was thinking about the best way to go about fixing his reputation at school. Sure, Touji and Shinji were his best friends, but he never thought about them in _that_ way. He lifted his glasses and rubbed his eyes, hoping to instil enough wisdom from the cosmos to help him solve his problem.

Touji, meanwhile, was slumped over his desk and snoring softy. His exhaustion had caught up with him and he'd fallen asleep thanks to the teacher's monotone voice and boring subject matter.

Sitting at her desk by the window, Rei Ayanami cast her uncovered eye out towards the horizon. She broke off from her silent observation of the outside world when the bell rang.

Turning her attention to Shinji Ikari, she overheard part of a conversation about his home arrangements.

"I'm telling you guys that I just work and live with Misato-san. There's nothing more to it than that."

"Then why did you move in with her?"

Shinji sighed before recounting the tale. "I was still shaken up by piloting Unit-01 and Misato-san thought that it would be better if I wasn't alone and she arranged for me to stay with her."

"And then what?"

"And then I started to do some of the chores for her."

"Have you seen her naked yet?" Touji asked.

"Once or twice," Shinji replied with a shrug. "It's not a huge apartment, so seeing each other undressed is bound to happen."

"Are you interested in Ikari-kun's nudity or Captain Katsuragi's?" Rei asked, having stood up from her desk.

"That's right; you spent the night thinking about Shinji-kun…" Hikari said, trailing off when she realised what she was saying.

"Never mind that!" the muscular youth said, slamming a fist onto the wooden desk. "It still doesn't explain why you answered the door naked last night."

All eyes turned to Shinji for an answer.

"It cuts down on the laundry I have to do," the male pilot replied as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"But not everyone wants to see your junk, Ikari!" Touji growled. "I mean it wouldn't be so bad if it was that hottie with the purple hair answering the door naked."

"Yeah," Kensuke nodded in agreement. "Anyway, what kind of excuse is 'I don't like doing laundry' for not wearing clothes? Surely you'd just wear the same thing for several days?"

"The smell of stale sweat would be disgusting," Shinji said, wrinkling his nose. "Uncle Rocco taught me to be very strict about personal hygiene. And I think he'd say 'and don't call me Shirley', though I don't know why."

In Saito's office, the Section Two agent finished explaining his covert mission to Dr. Akagi.

"So, you see why we need to prevent this Jet Alone project from succeeding."

"Yes. So, what do you think would be a suitable method of sabotage?" the blonde asked, quickly realising that if Jet Alone succeeded, not only would NERV's budget be reduced, but there was a chance that Shinji would leave Tokyo-3.

And that would be a crime in Ritsuko's highly biased opinion.

Saito had already realised this potential scenario himself and, like the brilliant scientist to his right, considered this unacceptable, though for different reasons.

"I think we should look into hacking the computer controls," the agent replied. "It's powered by a fission reactor, so if we can direct it towards an urban area, the Government will pull the plug as soon as it can to prevent a public backlash."

"Leaving us to benefit. Good plan, Saito," Ritsuko said, pulling out her cigarettes. "I'll start working with the MAGI to lay down the groundwork. What if Shinji-kun is required to stop it?"

"Which is why I've taken it upon myself to acquire the schematics," Saito replied. "I don't have them yet, and we may need the MAGI to get them, but I'm sure that we can come up with a quick way of stopping it before Shinji-kun gets hurt."

At the end of the school day, Shinji was helping Rei and Hikari tidy up the classroom.

"Ikari-kun," the blue-haired girl said, placing the bucket on the floor.

"Yes, Ayanami-san?" Shinji replied looking up.

"May I ask you some questions?"

"If I can answer any of them for you, Ayanami-san, then I will," the male pilot said cheerfully.

Rei nodded once. "Why is that Aida-kun and Suzuhara-kun are so interested in you and your domestic habits? Do you think that they are interested in relationship deeper than that of friendship?"

Shinji took a breath as he considered the reasons his friends could have for their… enthusiastic interest and his classmate's suggestion. "I suppose that's it's possible that they want to be more than friends, Ayanami-san. But I can't entirely sure as I haven't asked them."

"They seemed uncomfortable when it was suggested that they were interested in a potentially romantic relationship. Does such a thing elicit similar feelings in yourself, Ikari-kun?"

"Not really, Ayanami-san. When I was living with Uncle Rocco and Uncle Ivor, they explained to me that some times men prefer to be intimate with other men, just as some times women prefer to be intimate with other women."

"I see," Rei nodded. "Do you have a preference for male or female intimacy?"

"Female," Shinji blushed lightly as he recalled the pleasant memories of sleeping with Kodama. "Do you have any preference, Ayanami-san?"

"Until today, I had not given much thought to intimacy. Are there benefits to being intimate with one sex over the other?"

The male pilot relaxed slightly as he had finished his task. "It would depend on your personal preference, Ayanami-san, and it would depend on what your partner or partners are like. It is a gross generalisation, but the general rule is there are two aspects of a sexual relationship."

"And what are these aspects?" Rei asked, her mind casting back to her biology lessons on human reproduction.

"Uncle Rocco referred to these aspects as 'the bitch' and 'the butch'," Shinji explained. "One gives, the other takes, as it were."

The blue haired girl processed this information. "This would explain the development of both the penis and the vagina."

"Yes," Shinji nodded. He glanced up at the clock. "Oh, I'm sorry to run off like this, Ayanami-san, but I've got to get home to finish the laundry and start cooking dinner for Misato-san and Ritsuko-san."

"I understand, Ikari-kun," Rei nodded. "Thank you for answering my questions, you have been most useful. If I have more questions for you, when would be a good time for us to discuss them?"

"If you give me enough notice, you could come over for dinner one evening."

"I will do that, thank you, Ikari-kun."

Saito placed the report Nakata had handed to him on his desk. "An interesting development, don't you think, Nakata? Especially since that was not your mission."

"My apologies," Nakata bowed. "But I felt that I needed to take the opportunity to prevent the Jet Alone project from being completed on schedule."

"We appreciate the delay, but you did take unnecessary risks, Nakata."

"I felt that risking Shinji-kun's health in an operation to stop this nuclear monstrosity was far greater."

Saito cast a glance at Nakata and saw the honest expression on his face. "Officially, I'm chiding you for not following orders. Unofficially, I'm congratulating you on your initiative."

"Thank you," Nakata bowed. "I know that Shinji-kun can never know about our involvement this, so we won't benefit from his female friends showing their appreciation for keeping him from being irradiated, but that doesn't mean that we can't keep our line to Rokku Haado in as good a health as possible."

Ritsuko Akagi looked at her phone as she entered the elevator in Misato's apartment block. 'It's Saito…'

"Akagi speaking."

"¬Dr. Akagi, it's Saito here. I'm just ringing you to tell you about our mission.¬"

"Oh?"

"¬Yes, it's currently on hold. I will update you when I have more data, but it's unlikely that it will need to go ahead.¬"

"What happened?" the faux blonde asked as she hit the button to travel upwards.

"¬Technical difficulties on their part. This conversation never took place,¬" Saito said before ending the call.

"Weird," Ritsuko shrugged. 'Still, I guess that means I can take it easy tomorrow.'

Shinji greeted Ritsuko from the kitchen, dressing in an apron and slippers.

"Evening, Shinji-kun," the blonde replied. When the pilot turned around to finish preparing dinner, Ritsuko was reminded of why she had been planning something with Section Two. 'I really should see if Shinji-kun is as skilled as his Uncle Rocco…'

Misato emerged from her room, dressed in her cut-off shorts and yellow tank-top. "Looks like you made it home at the right time, Ritsuko."

"Yeah," the scientist nodded, her gazed locked onto the bare flesh of Shinji's buttocks.

"Stop gawping at Shinji's bare ass like that, Ritsuko."

"You're just jealous because it's inappropriate for you to sleep with Shinji-kun," Ritsuko replied, slipping out of her shoes.

"You're hardly one to talk about inappropriate behaviour, Ritsuko. Or did you forget about last night?" the purple-haired woman sniped.

"You're right, Misato," the blonde sighed. "But you experienced that French Flipper Trick too. You just can't 'unexperience' it. Not without massive amounts of brain damage, at any rate."

"That doesn't mean you can molest Shinji. Especially when he's got a girlfriend."

After an uneventful dinner, the phone rang and Shinji left the lounge to answer it.

"Hello?"

"¬Hi Shinji-kun, it's me, Kodama.¬"

"Hi, Kodama-san, what can I do for you?"

"¬Well, since we don't have school tomorrow, I was wondering if you'd like to go out on a date? I mean, if you're not too busy, that is.¬"

"Yeah, I'd like that, Kodama-san," the pilot smiled happily. "Is there anything you'd like to do?"

It took a great deal of Kodama's willpower not to reply with 'You, Shinji-kun!', but she managed to sound nonchalant as she suggested karaoke.

"That sounds like fun, but I should warn you about my bad singing," Shinji replied modestly. "I'll do my best not to embarrass you, Kodama-san."

"¬I'm sure that you'll know how to make it up to me,¬" Kodama teased.

Shinji blushed as he hung up the phone and left to tell Misato about his plans.

In Germany, Asuka Langley Sohryu knocked on the door to her guardian's office.

"Hey, Kaji," she greeted.

"Hi Asuka, what's up?" the long-haired man looked up from his desk and asked the redhead.

"What do you know about the pilots in Tokyo-3? You know, the First and Third Children?"

"That would be Rei Ayanami and Shinji Ikari," Kaji answered, swivelling in his chair to give his ward his full attention. "Shinji's the one that's got the experience fighting the Angels."

"What's he like?" Asuka asked.

"I honestly don't know, though I heard he was living with Misato Katsuragi."

"I remember Misato, she's fun."

"You're telling me," Kaji smiled fondly.

"What about Rei?" the redhead followed up.

The long-haired man sighed. "Rei is… well, she's less fun than Misato-chan."

Shinji answered the door to Misato's apartment.

"Hello, Kodama-san," he smiled politely. "How are you this morning?"

The girl in question was unsure how she felt about the fact that Shinji was fully dressed for a change. 'I guess I'll just have to catch the late show.'

"I'm very well this morning, how about you, Shinji-kun?"

"I'm feeling good, Kodama-san. So, do you know where we're going?"

"Yep, I hope you don't mind if we do some shopping first, there are some new albums that I want to check out," the brunette smiled.

"If it makes you happy, it makes me happy," the pilot smiled back.

The teenagers walked hand-in-hand from the train station, with Shinji smiling happily at the simple and honest display of affection.

"Shinji-kun," Kodama started hesitantly as they approached the shopping district.

"Yes, Kodama-san," the pilot said, turning his happy smile towards his girlfriend.

"I think we're being followed..."

Frowning, Shinji turned around to see Tendo from Section Two tailing them. "It's ok, Kodama-san, it's Tendo-san. He's a friend."

"Are you sure he's a friend? He looks a little dodgy..." the brunette said, unconvinced.

"He's with NERV Security, he's part of a team that's been assigned to make sure I'm ok," the young man explained.

"Is everything alright, Shinji-kun?" Tendo asked, his keen vision scanning the immediate area for threats.

"Kodama-san was worried that you were following us."

"Oh, right, here's my ID," Tendo smiled reassuringly.

Kodama looked at the laminated photograph and text. "I see..."

"I'm sorry for following you like this, but it's my duty to watch out for Shinji-kun. He's very important."

"I know, but..."

The black-suited man put his ID back in his pocket. "I can hold back a little, but if there's a problem, let me know, ok?"

"Of course we will, Tendo-san," Shinji nodded before taking Kodama's hand and leading her to the shops.

Kodama was looking at the latest albums in the popular music section. She turned around to ask Shinji what artists he liked. "Shinji-kun... Wait, where are you, Shinji-kun?"

Shinji was looking at the classic rock titles, pondering if he should get the individual albums or the greatest hits collection when a blonde girl approached him.

"Hi there."

"Hello," Shinji smiled politely. "Am I in your way?"

"Oh no, I'm just looking for this," the girl said as she reached over for a random album that was on the top row of the shelving. 'This should catch his attention...'

Shinji nodded, but swiftly turned his attention to his two album choices, completely ignoring the blonde's flirtatious actions.

'Wait, did he even notice me?' the girl thought darkly. She turned away and loosened her shirt slightly to show off some more cleavage. Turning back to face Shinji, she introduced herself. "Hi, my name's Kyoko Hayami, what's yours?"

"Shinji Ikari," the pilot said looking directly at Kyoko's face before turning his attention back to the albums in his hands. 'If I get the greatest hits, I'll have all the popular songs, but some of these are good songs that aren't on there.

'What? Why isn't he staring at my chest? Is he gay or something?' Kyoko asked herself. "So, do you have a girlfriend?"

"Yes," Shinji said, looking up. "Kodama-san's over there."

Kyoko cursed under her breath as the pilot waved his girlfriend over.

"Hello, Kyoko-chan," Kodama greeted. Her expression turned frosty when she noticed how much skin she was showing.

"Hello Kodama-chan," the blonde smiled back. "So, this is the famous Shinji, eh?"

"Yes, it is," the brunette said, stepping between her boyfriend and friend.

Kyoko leaned in to whisper to her friend. "I was expecting something... more, Kodama-chan."

"More?" Kodama whispered back.

"Yeah, I mean... look at him, he doesn't look like much."

Shinji looked up at his girlfriend and smiled, blissfully unaware of what Kyoko was planning.

Kodama's phone rang. It was Hikari. "What's up, Hikari-chan?"

"¬Onee-chan, is there anything you want for dinner tonight?¬"

"I don't know if I'll be home for dinner yet."

Kyoko smiled. "Ho-ho."

The brunette glared her classmate before stepping away for some privacy. "What were you thinking of making?"

When they were alone, Kyoko stepped up to Shinji and fluttered her eyelids at him. "So then, Shinji-kun..."

"Is there something in your eye?" Shinji replied, completely misunderstanding the situation.

"Oh, stop playing so innocent, Shinji-kun," the blonde chided as she took Shinji's hand and placed on her left breast. "Can't you feel how my heart's racing just from being around you?"

The pilot nodded. He tried to pull his hand away as he looked for Kodama, but Kyoko held his hand in place.

"Isn't this nice?" Kyoko purred into Shinji's ear.

"Hey!" a male voice shouted from the end of the aisle. "Get your hands of Kyoko-chan or I'll break your face!"

To be continued...

Pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed various intertubes.

Omake

Shinji sighed before recounting the tale. "I was still shaken up by piloting Unit-01 and Misato-san thought that it would be better if I wasn't alone and she arranged for me to stay with her."

"And then what?"

"And then she said, 'No, Shinji, you are the demons' and then I was a zombie."

"So that explains the smell."

"And the brains in his bento."