(16) I Won't Let Go

A/N: MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS IN THIS CHAPTER! (Im sorry): for depictions of self harm on the final scene. I'll do a brief summary of what you missed. But if you don't want to read it, just skip to the A/N at the end right after the song finishes

XXX

"Can you please state your name, age, and occupation for the record?" Said Garner.

Finn breathed heavily. The whole trial was riding on his testimony. Whether they won or lost... That was on him. "My name is Finn Hudson, I'm seventeen, and I dot have a job because I go to school... Though I do help Burt out at the shop sometimes." He forced a small smile.

"And what is your relationship with Kurt Hummel?"

He smiled. A real one this time. "He's my little brother."

She nodded understandingly. "And where were you on the day of November 22 of last year?"

The smile faded. Nobody wanted to remember any member of their family the way Kurt was that fateful day... "I was at school, and when eighth period athletics came around, me and some other guys from glee came in the locker room and found him... Lying there..."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Objection," said Monarch. "Relevance? Your honor this is a courtroom not a therapists office."

"Approach the bench, counselors." Said the judge.

"If the defense claims Finn was the perpetrator," began Garner, but Monarch cut her off.

"The defense never said that, though the tests may imply it..." He trailed off.

She scoffed at him. "Fine, if Finn is being taken into consideration as a suspect now, then it is the prosecution's duty to find out and reveal his emotional state at the time he was aware of the situation. Finn is not capable of hurting his brother. I'm just trying to show that."

"Objection!" Said Monarch.

"What now!?" Groaned Garner, growing exasperated.

"Finn Hudson is not the one in trial right now, therefore, his innocence should not have to be proven. Whether or not he is capable of hurting his brother is irrelevant! Oh, and we've come full circle haven't we?"

Garner had never been in a fight before, but she was always open to expanding her horizons... "If Finn's innocence does not need to be proven, then the blood-work should be thrown out, showing as it implies his guilt. If there is no innocence to be proven, then there should be no guilt implied. You want to remain objective, we'll remain objective..."

"In afraid Mrs. Garner is correct, Mr. Monarch," said the judge. "Either allow the question, or withdraw the blood tests from evidence. Your choice."

He sighed and glared at Garner. "I'll allow the question."

She smirked at him. He wouldn't have tried so hard to get the question thrown out if he thought it wouldn't have an impact on the jury. She whirled around and faced Finn. "Again, before I was so rudely interrupted, how did that make you feel?"

Finn swallowed. "It made me feel useless... And it hurt me to see Kurt so... Vulnerable... Since he's usually so strong about everything." He breathed deeply and closed his eyes. "You haven't experienced true fear, or true pain, until you've seen a family member lying in the ground in pain, not even knowing if they're alive or not. Until you've waited at the hospital, just hoping and praying to a god that you don't even believe in that he will be ok. Until you look at yourself in the mirror everyday and hate yourself because you never got there in time." His voice bobbled, but it wasn't until he looked up and glared daggers at Karofsky that everyone could see the tears. Karofsky shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "When you've experienced that... And you still think I could do that to my brother, then come talk to me..."

Garner looked over to to the jury and saw an older woman wiping her eyes. That was a good sign. "Your witness," she said quietly.

Monarch stood up and slowly clapped three times. "Bravo!" He said. "You put on quite a show, Mr. Hudson! You should be an actor!"

"Objection!" Yelled garner. "Is there a question here?"

"On with the point," ordered the judge.

He threw his hands up in mock surrender. "So, you consider yourself incapable of hurting your "little brother"." He used air quotes for effect.

"Yes," said Finn firmly, scowling at the lawyer.

"Emotionally and physically?"

"Well, I hope I don't hurt his feelings with my stupidity, I can't really vouch for that, but physically, no... I wouldn't hurt him... Or let anyone hurt him..."

"Were you incapable of hurting him in freshman and sophomore year when you and your buddies tossed him into the dumpster on a daily basis?"

Finn froze and gaped at him. "I- that was different... It was a different time, I didn't know him, we weren't friends back then..."

"What about all those times you shoved him into a locker, and threw pee balloons at him?"

"I'm not denying that, I'm just saying I'm a different person now. Are you saying that you've never made mistakes? That you don't have regrets? I was a stupid kid alright!?"

"What about that time you called him a fag?"

You could hear a pin drop in that courtroom. One juror looked flat out disgusted.

"Were you incapable of hurting him then?"

"No, I wasn't, but I-"

"Then why should we believe you were incapable now?"

He left Finn on the stand, mouth hanging open in utter shock.

"No further questions... And the defense rests."

XXX

"Why are they taking so long?" Asked Kurt desperately.

Garner shook her head. "I don't know, these deliberations, they can take five minutes, or they can take five weeks. Maybe there's just one juror who is stuck on the not guilty verdict and that's why it's taking so long."

"Or it could be the other way around..." Whispered Kurt.

"Don't think like that," reassured Blaine. He ran his thumb over Kurt's hand. Kurt looked up at him and nodded.

Just then, the jurors files back into their seats one by one. Kurt froze. This was it. This next decision would be the biggest one of his life. And it wasn't even his to make. That's what made it so terrifying.

"On the charge of aggravated sexual assault..." Said the leading juror. Kurt stood up and held onto the pew for dear life, holding his breath. "We the jury, find the defendant, David Karofsky..."

The moment of truth...

"Not guilty."

Everything around Kurt shattered. He didn't hear his dad shouting in anger. He didn't see the juror who had started crying at Finn's testimony look down at the ground in shame. He never saw Karofsky's look of confusion. He didn't hear the judge's gavel banging on the desk. He didn't remember Blaine grabbing his arm, and him pulling away, and sprinting out the doors.

All he could feel was his faith in humanity failing, his heart breaking.

The next thing he did remember, was being in his car, parked on the side of the road, face buried in the steering wheel as his body shook with sobs. On the radio, a familiar song played.

Consider this

Consider this, the hint of the century

Consider this, the slip

That brought me to my knees, failed

What if all these fantasies come

Flailing around

Now I've said too much

That's me in the corner

That's me in the spotlight

Losing my religion

Trying to keep up with you

And I don't know if I can do it

Oh no, I've said too much

I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing

I thought that I heard you sing

I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream

That's when Kurt slammed his fists against the radio. "Shut up!" He screamed. "JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" His hands shook almost as bad as his voice and he cried some more into his hands. He looked to the sky, pleading to a higher faith that he'd given up on so long ago. "Why?" He pleaded. Simple and hushed. "What did I ever do to deserve this?" When he was answered by silence, he screamed. Louder, at the top of his lungs as he banged the steering wheel with his fists once. "TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK I DID!"

The tears ran down his face until his head was pounding from crying so much. He was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

He opened the glove compartment and reached around until he found what he was looking for.

It was a knife he had kept in there for protection. No, he didn't want to just cut himself...

He flat out wanted to die.

He felt like he had no life left to live anyways.

So he did something he thought he'd never do. He pressed the knife against the skin on his wrist until he broke the skin. He hissed a bit, stunned by the sting. Then, slowly he pulled it closer to him, making long vertical cuts up to the crook in his elbow. He'd learned that in biology... Veins ran vertically, and you bled out faster with cuts in that direction.

Tears poured down his face faster, mostly due to the pain from the knife. But as he finished his other arm and slowly his eyes drifted shut, he realized that it would all be over soon. Other than the sting of his cuts, he just felt sleepy. The world around him began to fade, and he realized, he could probably just pretend this was all a dream. And he was just going to wake up, and everything would be back to the way it was before.

But that was just a dream

Finally, he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer,they fluttered shut, and all he could see was black, darker than the injustice he'd experienced that day.

Just a dream...

XXX

A/N: if you skipped the trigger warning, basically Kurt is in the car and he tells at the radio to shut up and cries some more. He finds a knife and cuts himself (because he wants to die) until he passes out. (Or he could be dead we don't know do we) (should I kill him?) (idk) (maybe?)

And that's it.

Hmmm should I go on a hiatus? ;)

Review? :D