Gemini – Chapter 8

After all our drama, the rest of our stay was the calmest week I've known. While my legs healed, Ashe and I passed the time with simple talk, largely about our childhoods. We were both misfits in our ways, though I did a better job of conforming. While my girlhood was a poor match for my role, I could remain faithful to my personality and earn respect. Ashe hid everything. Her long walks through the wilderness and silent communion with her bow saddened me. When I put forth that her teenage boldness and sexuality would have been celebrated, were she born to my tribe, Ashe appeared wistful.

She voiced admiration for my peers' natural discretion, regarding my gender issues. I was compelled to explain effeminate men had a rough time, and I'd lost many quick minds, including my best quartermaster, to the Avarosan. When Ashe proposed a yearly swap-meet, I cheerfully announced my scheme to embed useful inverts amongst ursine. Hefty paws had a large demand for small, dextrous hands. I'm not losing any more talent.

Ashe waved off my refusal, threatening to bribe any dissidents with new houses. We laughed as equals.

Despite our unspoken promise… well, Ashe's really… to avoid sexual congress until debts were settled, we made love once. After all our stress, I never thought it could be something as earthbound as waking up to the rhythm of Ashe quietly masturbating. I saw her tense back, her shoulders flexing like the wings of a bird with each ragged exhalation. Through grace, or lust, I gingerly asked if she needed help. Ashe jumped in shock and I felt ashamed for intruding on a private moment. She nodded without eye contact. I curled up next to her, disclosing my relative inexperience and asking for direction. Apparently, she was unconcerned with speed or motion, wanting only to have my face close to hers while she found solace in my skin. I watched her expression as her nimble hands roamed. She grabbed with escalating passion until she pushed my britches down. When her fingers skirted my labia, she came. One brief touch was enough motivation to let Ashe continue. She lifted my top and kissed a line between abdominal muscles, pausing luxuriously at the folds below my navel. After peppering my thighs and running her nose through my pubic hair, she went down on me with a loud sigh of happiness. I thoroughly enjoyed the pleasure but it was nothing compared with knowing Ashe's desire. Finishing with the relative chore of my own orgasm, I basked in her satisfaction, weaving my hands through her locks while she rested on my belly.

Neither of us dared spoil the moment with angst or conflict. We didn't speak.

After falling asleep in each other's arms, I woke up on my front, echoing my pubescent drive to flatten my chest. Ashe's pecks on my buttocks revealed I was yet indecent. Arching my back, I looked over my shoulder at her unconvincing remorse and felt… alluring. Ashe playfully struck my bottom, kissed my lips and said, 'Thank you,' before giving me space to rise.

After our short voyage through calm domestic seas, we landed on Runeterra. The journey was locked away in our memories, preserved in amber for an impossible future.

My legs healed enough that any pain was merely bracing, a welcome reminder that I could exert myself again. While I marched in a figure-eight, Ashe joked that she had to leave before I used my greater mass to get revenge. I was energetic and pugnacious enough to consider it, and I suspected Ashe, from the siren song in her voice, would enjoy the reversal. However, performing dominance at anyone's beckon felt awkward and strangely disempowering. I had little time for those who threw themselves at my feet, in hope of a sexually charged beating. When you have my reputation, it's very much an occupational hazard.

I suppose, given my need, I should have more compassion, for my "victims" and myself. However, that was a very distant shore and I'd only just found a raft. I didn't reply to Ashe's teasing.

I'm due to leave. My stay has been longer than expected. I'm unsure how many days have lapsed. Ashe drew scratches on the wall at regular intervals but I didn't recognise any of the glyphs. Maybe she's devised a new language to thwart intelligence gathering, or reclaimed an old Iceborn script from her travels. Her code warrants investigation. Udyr's curious and astute enough to have a go but I'd have to persuade him to do something other than harass enemy troops.

Ashe returns, plastered with sweat and shaking with adrenaline, as if she'd won a tense duel. She says between gasps. 'We've got company, trolls… I think they're loners, nothing to do with Trundle or Lissandra, but a large group. I saw nine crawling over the scree.'

'Did they see you?'

'Loose rocks gave me away but I'm coated with blubber so they won't smell anything human. If we're lucky, they'll break off their search and assume it was a gust of wind.' Her fingers twitch and flex while her eyes chase every shadow.

'Not if they see your footprints. We have to get out of here.'

She looks relieved. I guess flight was her preference but she doubted my stamina. 'Please tell me that you can survive the journey back.'

I may panic at the thought of meeting others, knowing my perfect, inviolable front is just an illusion, but I've powered through to the stage where I'm overcompensating with grit. Right now, I could walk the length of Runeterra. 'No promises but I'm confident.'

'Okay,' she looks at her feet. 'Are you… ready to go now?'

Taking a moment, I commit these walls to the darkness within. Even if night lasts forever, the constellations of true ice will be my stars. 'Ready as I'll ever be. Let's go.'

She reaches out. 'I… I know it's a bit silly and childish but can I… hold your hand until we get outside?'

'Aren't you better off holding a weapon?'

'Can't you be my weapon?' she says, fluttering her lashes.

'I feel more like your sheath.' Ashe looks undecided whether to laugh or sulk at my comment. 'I'm sorry. I'll be whatever you need.'

Her mouth cracks into a broad grin. Ashe doesn't smile fully that often. It's all knowing smirks and suggestive bites of her lip. 'I'll hold you to that… one day.' She takes my hand.

A path walked once grows quicker to the mind. Even so, the speed at which we surface alarms me. The sun blazes down with pale intensity. Blinking, I stumble about while a confident Ashe launches her spirit-hawk into the wilderness. Her eyes roll back and flicker. Volibear's crackle when performing similar feats. I don't know which is more disturbing.

Ashe frowns. 'Only six of them,' she says, three unaccounted for, 'but all their tracks go north. You should be fine if you strike out west for half a mile or so.'

'Got it.'

She wipes her nose. 'I… this might be the last time and… I don't know what to say.'

'We'll meet again. Even if Kalista's taken my future, that's the one thing I can believe in.'

'Yes, but… will I have the chance to do this?' Throwing her arms around my neck, she kisses me deep enough to fill my lungs. I clinch her waist as I play with the blonde hair spilling from her fallen hood. Ashe's weight is mine to bear. With a playful urge, I sweep her off her feet. She giggles. 'Ooh, this is nice.'

'Defeat us in battle and you can do whatever you want.' I lean down to kiss her again. 'If you're serious about uniting the Freljord, rather than ruling it, you have to accept our differences.'

'Then I'll grow strong enough to pick you up and haul you back to my lair.'

Despite all the screaming of my conscience, I'm giddy with anticipation. 'It won't be easy but… I look forward to it.'

'I bet you do.' She looks pensive. 'Hmm… should I feel insecure that you'd lose interest if I lost?'

'I think you'll always have some hold over me, no matter what happens.'

'Good answer.' Before I try, and fail, to carry her off, I put Ashe down. 'So… this is goodbye then?'

'Yes… goodbye.' We drift apart. I'm walking backwards… then sideways while Ashe looks on. Before I turn for good, I feel a jolt of courage. If I am to lead my people then I must not fear anything. With a gale's roar, I say it first. 'I love you!'

She collapses to the ground like I'd struck her with my flail. On her knees, quaking with emotion, Ashe cries loudly, torn between holding her chest and wiping her tears. I'm stunned at our mutual vulnerability. Simple words can destroy us both. Even compared to my stewardship of the Winter's Claw, thousands of lives, this burden feels impossibly great. I think I understand her distress when she worries about her effect on other people.

Ashe climbs to her feet with reclaimed energy. She pounds her breastbone. 'I swear, mighty warrior-princess, I will prove myself worthy!'

Recalling Volibear's maxim, "All that matters, to a hunter…" gives me an idea. Rolling up my sleeve, I snap off the bracelet. 'When you have...' I present my challenge. 'Offer me this.'

Ashe looks both terrified and exhilarated. 'Oh… oh, Sejuani, I'd love to but… I can't risk losing it.'

'You're risking yourself, aren't you?' Grabbing her wrist, I fasten the bracelet around her. 'Think of it as a lifeline. As long as you have to return it, you'll keep safe.' I grin with the satisfaction of exerting a strand of control over my gorgeous predator. 'Happy now?'

She covers a burst of laughter. My brow furrows. 'Oh, I'm sorry! You're like a mischievous little girl when you smile like that. You caught me off guard. It's nice, and… a little bit naughty.' She keeps laughing. 'And now you're sulking!' I groan. 'Am I ruining our moment?'

'You wouldn't be Ashe without your sparkle,' and she wouldn't be half the tactician.

'I'm glad we don't always have to be serious.' Rattling the bracelet, she tucks it underneath her armour. 'Too big for me… not sure how to wear this. I wouldn't dream of altering it.'

'You could work on your triceps.'

'Oh, I know your game. You just want me with bigger muscles.' Biting her finger, she pores over my limbs. 'Can't say I blame you.'

'Don't ever change for me. You're perfect as you are.' There's a brief pause while Ashe and I beam stupidly at each other like swooning lovebirds. 'Erm… try putting the bracelet on your leg with a support bandage.'

'Sweet and practical, what have I done to deserve you?' She blows me a kiss. The real thing would keep us here forever. 'Goodbye, honey-bear.'

As I leave, I hope a certain over-protective ursine doesn't hear that. I don't want him thinking he's "papa-bear".

My journey back home is quick and painless, even dull. I'm already missing Ashe's company.

I feel, every inch, the leader I was before this romantic ordeal. It's ironic, how the solution was to fall even deeper… though, thinking back, I did resolve to march through the darkness to reach the dawn. I'm nearly shadowboxing as I walk. Everything's a bit sluggish and weak from inactivity but a few good meals and a vigorous training schedule will put me right. I'll have the men shaking in their boots. Even if, in private, I become a tender, willing receptacle for Ashe's drive, in battle, I can lead armies, crush bones into chalk and inspire dread.

I am Sejuani, and I am a bridge across worlds. I have lost my soul but embraced my shadow.

Miles pass. Activity swells the horizon. I picture my warriors, peering through the cracks to see me writhe in submission. What came naturally before may be false to knowing eyes. Rolling my neck and shoulders, I prepare myself. No matter how gruelling, I must earn my confidence back.

A lone figure breaks, and I'm elated when I see Bristle. My loyal steed must have sensed my return. Swaying on his back is the only other person who could ride him without ending life as a meal. A hurricane of limbs and hair gambols out of the saddle. The berserk Olaf is the fourth corner of our celebrated front-line, as relentlessly savage as Udyr is tireless and Volibear is persistent. Olaf towers above me, yet his knuckles appear to skim the ground. If he weren't so muscular, he would seem lanky. Perhaps adolescent awkwardness fired his training as it did mine.

Olaf kneels while Bristle jumps after his own tail, showering us with cold snow and hot slobber. Protecting my face, I kick Olaf in greeting. I can't abide his worship. He's too good a warrior to bow and scrape like a serf. There's a regrettable innocence behind his love. He doesn't care for advancement or reciprocation. I'm his ideal, and it's enough to slay my foes and savour my presence.

If Ashe tore down his goddess, he'd have nothing.

Sailing upright, as if my common strength could raise him, Olaf bellows. 'Chieftain! I'm thrilled to have you back.' He stretches out the word "thrilled" in that coarse, melodious accent of his, like he's adding a verse to the warsong of his life. 'Your men squabble like infants without leadership. I can bash their heads together but l'd sooner fight Ashe.'

Without leadership? Ancestors, I've been away too long. 'Where's Volibear?' I ask.

'He went looking for you by himself, the stubborn old fool!' Olaf seems to grow larger whenever he gets angry. There's a trick in his posture that I could... ugh, I've spent so much time analysing and emulating our male fighters. Old habits are like old wounds. 'He kept me from your side while neglecting his role!'

'Do not reproach him. I was on a spiritual quest. Only he could see my trail.' That's not a falsehood, I guess.

Olaf brightens. 'Have you wrestled your purpose from death's clutches?'

'I've reclaimed something. The rest may follow... in time.'

'That is great news! My twin axes long for your direction! I will carve your name into a mountain of skulls!'

Bristle thumps the ground with joy as I climb aboard. It feels right, seeing the world from up here, whether due to familiarity or longsightedness. 'When did Volibear leave?'

Olaf counts on his fingers, muttering the names of the people he "disciplined". 'Ergh… four days ago? He'd been growling and pacing from dawn 'til dusk. Rolling thunder woke up the whole tribe when he left.'

I've been walking for just over two days. A frantic Volibear could reach Fjölnir Spire in… maybe half that time, give or take?

Realisation hits like an uppercut. Ashe, you magnificent bastard. 'Olaf?'

'Yes!'

'I want you to gather our forces and pressure the Avarosan. Attack their silos, their watchtowers. Burn down what you can. I want the cowards to know Sejuani is back and will put up a fight with, or without, Volibear's protection. If you come across Udyr, have him run circles behind their lines. We're giving Tryndamere the worst week of his life. The massacre of his tribe will seem like a tavern brawl.'

'He will beg for death. It has forsaken him long enough!'

'I agree but, for now, bloody his nose and singe his beard. We can't risk blunting our claws.'

Olaf grins. 'Understood.' With all that hair surrounding his mouth, he bears an uncanny resemblance to a ginger Willump. I wonder if the berserkers of the Lokfar peninsula have yeti blood. 'If this conflict were too simple, there'd be no glory. Do you know where Volibear's gone? Battle's more fun with him biting people's heads off and hurling victims into my path.'

'No but I have my suspicions. Leave him to me.'

'Certainly. Death to our enemies! Victory to the Winter's Claw! Hail Sejuani, true queen of the Freljord!' He carries on shouting random phrases while he runs off to convey my words. I never wanted to be a "queen" but Olaf isn't one for details. If it sounds good at high volume, that's enough. Bristle gives a loud snort of bemusement.

Olaf doesn't realise but he stands for a lot of people. I judge their thoughts, morale and approval by watching him. If my relationship with Ashe became public, I would smother the dreams of a nation. I could spin justifications out of moonlight, reframe ideals, or kill opposition but real acceptance lies beyond my doing. Ashe would have to prove herself.

As I turn Bristle northwards, I worry that she already has.

Once again, I scale Volibear's holy mountain. I've likely made enemies by forcing entry. Fear of comeback, and faith in divine punishment, opened a way to the summit. I feel my bones ache with the damp. It was notable when I heaved a stronger body up this rocky path. Now the mist is like an ocean. I cough as each breath drenches my lungs. Am I not welcome? By Volibear's tell, the storm favoured me. How fickle are these powers?

A deafening roar and flash of light heralds an aggressive downpour. Shielding my gaze from the sting of rain, I carefully watch my footing as the trail becomes a river. The surge buffets my still-tender ankle. I splay myself across the mountain face, gripping with both hands. Onwards, I climb, step by step, as the wall slowly merges with the path.

I reach a familiar plateau. The crazed web of electricity, miles into the sky, blurs into a pale sun through the waterfall. Questioning my wisdom, I gulp in awe and… salt? How is that possible?

Unless… the storm is crying. Oh, Volibear, forgive me!

Yelling with all my strength, I raise my fist. 'I have come to save your chosen! Bestow your vision upon me!' There is no response. 'I have seen through the veil. Strike me as you once did. I am not afraid!'

A bolt smashes into my raised arm like a hammer. All I know is pain, white, ringing pain.

A new sensation… green… I… I'm here…. the precipice of reality, where Kalista returned life to my soulless form. I… think I'm crossing over.

Am I dead? I feel an anchor… my body, waiting to receive me… or is that a delusion?

I've changed… into…

Where am I?

Before me is Volibear, lashed with enough wood, rope and iron to build a ship. I know this place well, Ashe's dungeon, where she kissed me, striking a bell that echoes to this day. Without human constraints, I view the cell from every plane at once. I am a fly on the wall, a roach on the floor, dust upon shackles, a giant, holding a cage for inspection. As we learn to combine pictures from two different eyes, I form a composite image of the cell.

Ashe enters with calm assurance, long strides in a short skirt. All her practical armour has been replaced with her provocative battledress. Toying with her magical knife, she closes the door with her back. She's not wearing my bracelet anywhere. For a second, I'm devastated. Thinking logically, she must be hiding it from Volibear. There's no way he'd accept her explanation for its presence.

Her eyelids are drawn with cold focus but I'm fluent in her body's language. There is need, insecurity, apprehension, regret. Her knee, raised in a gesture of nonchalance, hides a nervous twitch, a foot rubbing her calf.

She never stops. Her intelligence and skill must arise from every doubt she casts inward. Once I bore my own weakness and regained a portion of strength, I also realised how Ashe's personal frailties, her paranoia, guilt and self-denial, were the seeds of her power.

She has no faith in others, which convinced her of the fake promise of law and civilisation… but also gave her self-reliance and authority.

She weighs the consequences of her might, which taught her mercy… but also strategy.

She swallows her desire, which drove her to become two women… but also one with her crystalline bow.

When she talks, Volibear can't reply, courtesy of a steel bit on his gums. How curious that oral violation by a piece of metal has gradients of humility. Ninety degrees make all the difference. 'The Frost Queen's Claim…' she indicates her weapon. 'You'd think it was made for me. Sadly, its function is poetic rather than practical.' Ashe twirls the blade, fails to catch it and laughs when it rattles across the floor. 'See? I can't even sharpen arrows.'

That's a lie. She's either boasting of an armoury that serves all her needs or meddlesome Avarosa's boon of enchanted missiles. My great-mother, Serylda, knows better than to slur my competence with aid.

'It has one use though, one little spell that anyone can throw.' Regaining her poise, Ashe flicks her wrist at Volibear. 'Did you know my greatest fear, walking alone through the depths of the Freljord? You, seeking to avenge your precious girl... but you can't kill what you can't catch. All I had to do was slow… you… down. Before leaving, I'd sent a patrol, unaware of my plans, within hawkshot range. They dragged you here while your body was in torpor.'

Volibear's wounds have healed. Only a few glowing puncture marks indicate his brush with death. I wonder if the downpour of rain happens whenever the storm intervenes.

'I'm glad you survived. Your recovery never fails to impress but I had to put more stock in your faith than I'd have liked.' He growls in anger at Ashe's inappropriate worry for a mortal foe. 'Yes, I know. You've got a thousand lectures to give me. You'll get your chance… but right now? You have to listen. We both know what happened to Sejuani but I have sources you don't. Anivia says that our greedy Kalista has a material presence, deep within the Shadow Isles.'

Volibear is now hanging on every word.

'I'm going to restore Sejuani… but I'm told you need a "heavy soul" to be safe in Kalista's realm and… I don't have one.' Her disappointment is clear. 'Tryndamere is ideal but, after our last encounter with Lissandra, I'm not risking both our lives on the same journey. My staying is out of the question.' Ashe gives a little smirk, as though stating the obvious. 'Anivia qualifies but the Shadows Isles are one of the few lands where she can truly die. Even I can't ask her to give up millennia. That leaves you…'

She lays a hand on Volibear's heart, using her touch, like always, to foist her will, to seduce or intimidate. I think it would just enrage Volibear.

'Come with me. The two of us can save her. Keep your blessing. Ancestors know I'm undeserving. All I want is to restore the woman I love… no politics… no games…' Ashe tears the bit from Volibear's mouth. Drool spatters across the floor. 'And if I prove otherwise, you can take my life!' He swallows and breathes without impediment. Whether he can speak or not, I can't say. 'That's my proposal. I don't expect your answer now. Tomorrow, you can leave, unharmed… or we can leave, together.'

The door closes behind Ashe. Her footsteps recede. Finally, Volibear speaks. 'I know you're here, Sejuani,' he says. I'm shocked enough that I can't think of a way to communicate. 'You shouldn't have climbed the mountain. I can use the storm as an extension of myself to see farther, which is why we're talking now, but your senses have to leave your body. You're… effectively dead until you go back.'

I try to form an answer but it's unclear. Was I hasty because I felt worried, inquisitive, enraged? Am I simply taking a fair gamble to win priceless intelligence?

Volibear chuckles. 'All of them, probably.'

The words leap forth. 'Talking is that easy?'

'With me, yes. I'd keep a firm grasp on your internal monologue if I were you.'

'That bird's already flown.'

'True.' Volibear sighs. 'I'm glad you're back in one piece but you might have done irreparable damage to our coalition. You have to tell my circle about your projection. If you're a shaman, you have nature's permission to be up there, whether they like it or not.'

'A shaman? What's happening to me?'

'You've somehow… caught spiritual magic from your repeated exposure to the beyond. Once that door's open, your elemental powers may find expression through the same channel. If so, you'll begin to feel magic again, except this time you'll have both schools to control, divine and physical. I don't think there's a precedent for that… Udyr, perhaps, but all his magic is by proxy.'

'Strange… I…' lowering a curtain, I spare the details of my time with Ashe. 'I regained a portion of my strength by facing my… weakness. Have I discovered a pattern… a design for life?'

'Harmony comes from difference, not unison. You've become an expression of that ideal. Even if your superstitious followers balk at serving a magic user, that may be a necessary test of their courage. Those who wish for a "safe", unchanging world can serve Ashe for all I care.'

The irony is delectable. 'Yes, they can serve the most dangerous woman I know.' Volibear falls quiet. I think he's listening out for reasons to punish her. 'You're going, aren't you?'

'Of course, I have to make sure that Ashe doesn't work this to her advantage… and this could be my only chance of getting back your soul. If we lost you for my scruples, I would never forgive myself.'

'You and Ashe are more alike than you suspect.' Volibear flinches at the comparison. 'Atonement is her vice. In her darkest hour, she will scream for death, and she has the means to provoke you. Just remember that I've already condemned her to life.'

'Okay,' says Volibear, 'then I will be a cruel sun, rather than her executioner.'

'Thank you.'

The walls blink out of existence. 'Your tether's weakening.' He screws up his glowing eyes. 'Dear cub, I'll miss you.'

Waves of pure sorrow crash into my perception. Has he given up on returning? I have to make this last. 'Hold on, Volibear, I …'

'No, you'll do yourself irreparable harm if you resist. I… ugh!' Sparks fly as he clamps down with his massive jaws. 'I've got a leash.' Volibear no longer talks. A ghostly resonance takes over. 'Tell me one thing. Do you still love her?'

'More than ever.'

'That is all I have to know.' Volibear doesn't seem happy but… resolved. I hope he's not planning to lay down his life for Ashe. One of us has to put our side first. When I try to object, he feigns a bad signal. 'Do you not find it curious?'

'Wh… What?'

'Ashe begged our co-operation from the start. We may have stumbled into her peaceful endgame. However, the first person to cross over was not you… but me.'

'Volibear, please, I'd rather you abandoned me than took responsibility for a grim future!'

'You are my future.' He looks up, as though searching for my visage within clouds of brick. 'Whatever shape it might take.'

I journey through the skies, across the ground, through limbo, twilight, along one path, another, between. I wake on a high mountain beneath low fog, and wonder how it all came to be… that I warrant such ardour…

That a broken, divided woman shone brighter than a faultless machine of war.