(19) I Won't Let Go

A/N: okay holy shit major trigger warning for this chapter I hate to be a spoiler but I don't want to accidentally trigger someone so I'm just gonna come out and say it: there is a suicide scene. It is the third scene and there will be mentions of it throughout the chapter afterwards.

I really could end it here, but I do have another sort of epilogue in progress just let me know what you guys think? And thanks for reading!

Oof okay that's an old A/N uhhhhh sorry it's been so long? I don't even think anybody is following this story anymore but i decided to finish all my shit for me so I can one day look back and see who I was at this time and how my writing changed.

A special thanks to klaine4life and guest who reviewed this story fucking five years after it's been updated... y'all are truly amazing. I felt such a combination of guilt and pride that I decided to finish this story in the good year of our lord and savior 2020

XXX

You're Gonna Make It

Kurt was making his way to the choir room when he saw the familiar figure of Dave Karofsky at the opposite end of the hallway he was walking down.

His blood ran cold, and he stopped dead in his tracks as they made eye contact. Kurt quickly averted his eyes.

The bell rang and everyone but them two scattered to their classes.

Normally, Kurt would have turned around and just gone in another direction.

But not today.

Despite every cell in his body screaming for him to do the opposite, Kurt started walking towards Karofsky.

When Dave saw Kurt coming towards him, he started turning around to leave.

Kurt saw and quickened his pace. "Hey!" He yelled.

David didn't stop.

"I am talking to you!"

Both of them recognized the all too familiar words that he had just shouted, and Karofsky finally stopped and swiveled around to face Kurt, who had finally caught up with him.

Kurt could feel his hands trembling with fear as a long, tension filled silence hung between them.

Finally, he let out a very shaky breath, and said, "I forgive you."

Karofsky's face fell. "What?"

"Not for you..." He shook his head. "For me." Kurt continued. "This is my life, and I will not allow you to have control over me anymore..." Dave stood there with a stunned look on his face. "I know I can never forget, but God dammit I can forgive."

As Kurt walked past him, he felt as if this giant weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

He was still terrified, still a little shaken up, still knew he had a long way to go...

But it was a start.

XXX

The New Directions were surprised to see that Kurt was there before the rest of them, band set up behind him and a smile plastered on his face.

"Dude, what's going on?" Finn asked with puzzlement.

The pale boy stood up from his stool and announced, "You guys have been singing to me all week, and I think it's my turn." He looked at Blaine. "I am so grateful that I have you."

Blaine smiled, doing his best to hold back tears and swallow the lump in his throat. But it was in vain. He was just so in love with him, and so proud of how far they'd come. How far Kurt had come.

"All of you," Kurt continued. "And I know I might not have made it without all of you guys here to support me." He nodded, assuring them and mostly himself. "I'm not completely okay yet, and I'm not sure that I ever will be... But I'm healing. And that's enough for now."

The band behind him started the slow guitar instrumental intro. Kurt sat back down on his stool while the rest of the club sat down on the risers

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.

But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.

I got a little bit stronger.

It was at that line that Blaine stopped trying to hold back his tears. He broke out into an uncontrollable smile as tears rolled down his cheeks.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,

And you realize you haven't cried.

I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around.

And oh

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you

I'm better off without you

How does it feel with out me?

I'm getting stronger without you

The background music suddenly stopped, and for a few measures it was just a very vulnerable Kurt singing. Then the instruments slowly started to build.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around.

When the next section started, Finn couldn't help but clap his hands and give out a very supportive "Yeah!" Blaine turned back to him instinctively and gave him an appreciative nod. Finn returned it and Blaine noticed the tear tracks on the taller boy's face.

And ohhh

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.

A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

As the song finished with a guitar strum, Finn and Blaine were the first of the audience to stand up and give him a standing ovation.

Kurt smiled and got up from his seat, rushing to meet them with a group hug.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and reluctantly let go of them to face Mr. Shue.

"That was a very powerful performance, Kurt." Their director praised him.

"Thank you."

"The theme for this year's Regionals is Anthem, and if you're willing," he started, a smile creeping into his his face. "We could feature it."

Kurt's eyes widened in surprise. "A s-solo?" He stammered. "At Regionals?"

The entire group must've been on board with this idea already, because even Rachel wasn't contesting Mr. Shue's decision.

William nodded. "I completely understand if you're not up—"

"Yes!" Kurt replied, his face shining radiantly. "A million times yes!"

He turned and practically tackled Blaine with a hug. "I just know you're gonna be amazing." Blaine pulled back and smiled. "You're already amazing."

"Thank you," Kurt said. "I can feel that things are already starting to look up."

XXX

Karofsky sat on his best friend's bed, hugging his backpack to his chest, slightly rocking back and forth as he contemplated whether or not to use the thing he had just bought.

Of course, illegally... But he had no other choice now. He could start at a new school, but the rumors would always follow him. So would the guilt, he'd already realized there was no getting rid of that.

So finally, he stopped rocking. He slowly looked down at his bag and began to unzip it. He reached in with a shaking hand and pulled out the gun.

His entire body was buzzing and he wasn't sure if it was from adrenaline or just the numbness that had taken over him.

The door suddenly swing open to reveal Azimio, who finally back from basketball practice. He saw his friend's confused expression quickly morph into horror, and the only thing he had time to say was "What are you—" before Karofsky pulled the trigger.

XXX

Finn, Rachel, Kurt, and Blaine were all at the Hudson-Hummel household watching James and the Giant Peach, huddled close together with their respective significant others.

"This is totally my favorite part," Finn mumbled.

The air was still, but not eerie, which made what they were about to hear next feel even less real.

Carole's voice sounded from the kitchen with a gasp. "Oh-oh my god... Okay... Yes, thank you... I'll tell them."

"What was that?"

"That was detective Jones... Karofsky just killed himself..."

XXX

Kurt had immediately gone off into his room when he'd heard the news. Finn had gotten up to try and follow him, but Blaine held a hand up. "I got this..." he whispered and Finn looked up at him gratefully.

When Blaine walked into Kurt's room, he found him sitting cross legged on his bed, staring blankly down at his lap.

"Kurt..?" Blaine cautiously asked.

The other boy just stayed staring down.

Blaine walked over and sat next to him, wearing an arm around his waist protectively. "How are you feeling?"

Kurt finally broke his stare and looked up at Blaine. He answered as honestly as he could.

"I don't know."

XXX

As the Hudson-Hummel clan pulled up to the local cemetery, Kurt felt his stomach twist up into knots. He leaned forward and rested his head on the back of the passenger seat, shutting his eyes.

It was all so much all of a sudden.

Blaine must have noticed the fear in Kurt's eyes.

"Kurt... are you—"

"I can't do it," he finally admitted. He looked up at his dad with teary eyes. "I'm so sorry you guys I thought I could do it, but I just can't I just..." his chest started to rise and fall heavily before Blaine squeezed his hand. "I can't."

Burt turned to face the back of the cab of the truck and clapped a hand on Kurt's shoulder. "That's okay. We're with you no matter what you decide."

Kurt just nodded, peering out the side of his eyes as they drove away.

XXX

It must have been close to four in the morning when Blaine realized Kurt wasn't next to him anymore. He groggily rolled to the side of the bed where Kurt's warmth was missing and searched around aimlessly before realizing he was gone.

He heard the ignition of a car and immediately bolted out of bed, remembering what happened the last time Kurt snuck off in his car.

He rushed down the stairs, three at a time, not even bothering to put on any shoes before hopping into his car and following Kurt's down dark and twisting roads.

There was an upcoming traffic light that suddenly turned yellow. Kurt had time to pass it, but Blaine had to slam on his brakes to avoid running a red light. "Fuck." He mumbled as Kurt's taillights slowly disappeared into the black night. He slammed his hand against the steering wheel. He should have just ran that damn light!

After what seemed like an eternity, the light turned green and the car lurched forward. As Blaine continued down the road, he caught glimpse of a familiar sign.

His stomach twisted.

He knew where Kurt was going.

XXX

Kurt sat in the cold and dry grass, eyes closed as the cool winter air stung at his cheeks and nose. Despite the uncomfortable weather, he felt a wave of calm overcome him—a calm he hadn't felt in months.

He heard the soft crunching of the grass underneath someone's footfall. There was a morbid comfort in knowing that it couldn't possibly be David Karofsky.

Despite that, he already knew it was Blaine.

"I had to make sure he was really gone..." he explained. Blaine didn't respond, just silently sat down next to him and placed a gentle hand in his.

In front of them stood a gravestone that read:

David Karofsky

1993-2012

Kurt opened his eyes and continued his explanation. "I had to make sure it was safe for me to finally feel relieved. I-I'm not saying I'm glad he's dead, but... I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel safe... Free."

The only response he got was from the whistling February wind.

"Does that make me a horrible person?" He whispered

Blaine finally broke his vigilant silence.

"No."

Another silence settled between them, not uncomfortable at all. Kurt knew that you didn't always need someone to give you words of affirmation. Sometimes you just needed someone to be there.

Blaine stood up and extended a hand for Kurt to take. "Let's get you home."

Kurt stared at it for a moment before finally taking it and helping himself up. He squeezed Blaine's hand tightly, knowing he would never let it go.