Rain pattered on the window, as gray clouds gathered overhead. The weather had called for a downpour, and it only seemed befitting on this most sorrowful of days. It was night now, the dead of it, but inside the walls of the Hospital where the lights were always on, nobody could tell the difference. The only indication of the late hour was the lack of sound. Aside from the beeping of machinery, very seldom did the jarring noise of footsteps clacking on linoleum floors echo in the halls. Everybody seemed to be asleep, or too still to make a peep, and when footsteps sounded, it was doctors or nurses making their rounds. But that sound didn't come to this room. Not at this late hour.
Light Yagami sat wide awake, long after the rest of the world had fallen asleep, lost in his thoughts.
Despite still having to write Takako Tamuro's name in the Death Note, Light stayed with Misa in the hospital that night. He couldn't imagine leaving her side after everything that had happened. His father had bickered quietly with the doctors and nurses on his behalf to allow him to stay, and had eventually won, and so he stayed.
In the uncomfortable hard-backed chair in the hospital, Light sat, watching. The sound of Misa's breathing filled him with peace. His eyes never left her. Long after the rest of his family had left to go home, and Misa had fallen asleep, he was awake. It seemed a lonely world, somehow, without the presence of the sun. Without Misa awake. It was himself, and his thoughts.
His mind played the events of the day on a feedback loop that he didn't want. He had almost lost everything precious in his life today, and his cruel mind would not let him forget it. He wanted to shut off the loop in his head, begged his brain to stop it, but it would not yield to him. And so it played and played, until at last he had a small breakdown, burying his head in his hands to cry. He had almost lost everything he ever cared about, and it was all because of being Kira.
The idea of giving up the Death Note came up in his brain again, this time far more strongly than the last. The death note had nearly cost him Misa and his unborn child's life. Once he wrote down Tamuro's name, he thought he might be able to give it up. The world wasn't as rotten as it had been. Maybe that was enough.
It was a rare moment of lucidity, seen nearly as often as a blue moon. A glimpse of the humanity that still lay within him. A reminder that he- despite having some of the powers of a god, was still painfully human. Unlike a god, he still had his weaknesses. Misa and the baby were two of his biggest ones, and today they had both been endangered because of his quest for power.
Fuck power. Fuck being a God. What good was lighting the world on fire if he had to watch it burn alone? If he couldn't have a better world that his fiancée and child could live in, what had been the point of all this? Was he really going to let a quest for power destroy the only good things in his life?
He ran his hands down his face, where tear tracks had dried and made his face feel stiff. Ryuk, unseen by anyone else but him, hovered in one corner of Misa's room, watching him. Humans were definitely interesting. Ryuk flew over to him.
"So, what are you going to do now?" Ryuk asked him.
It was a good question. Certainly a fair one. This was a choice that only he could make. The death note was his, and his alone. He had the power to use it, but he also had the power to give it up. Deciding which to choose was not going to be easy.
If he gave up the death note, then perhaps Kira's supporters could someday finish what he had started, purging the world of evil. However, that was a rather lofty goal. The entire world, even just in Kira's supporters, did not share his views on justice, did not know his ideas well enough to execute it perfectly. It was painfully clear to him that the only person who could do this the right way was himself.
More than that, he needed the death note for protection. He needed it to keep Misa and their child safe. If one of them ever got into danger, it was his duty as a husband and a father to save them.
He sighed. "I can't let it go, Ryuk. Even if I want to." It was a deathly quiet whisper, so light that it barely pierced the air.
"Interesting."
"I can't let them be without the death note's protection."
"Wouldn't it be protecting them more to give it up?"
"Not if I want to keep them safe from the rest of the world. It's just too rotten."
"You know, Light, even I know that to try and protect everyone often leads to failure. You should be more careful or you'll get yourself into more trouble."
"It's not me I'm worried about."
"Maybe you should be."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Have you taken into account how all this has affected you? Stop worrying about others for a minute and start worrying about yourself."
"I'm surprised, Ryuk. I didn't think you cared that much."
"I don't. I just like seeing things from every side."
"There are no other ways to see it, Ryuk. I've got a fiancée and a baby on the way. I can't put myself first anymore. I have to think about them."
"That's a new one."
He smiled a little bit at that. "Fatherhood makes you rethink a lot of your views on life. It can't be about just what I want anymore. In a few months there's going to be someone depending on me for everything. Food, shelter, clothing, a home. I can't just go around doing things the way I used to. This baby is going to need a good father, and I have to be that first."
He would be that. No matter what it took. Perhaps sometime in the future he would be able to give up the death note, but he couldn't. Not now. He had to keep killing, for the sake of his family.
"I'm going to keep them safe." He vowed to himself.
Ryuk, in response, just watched him. Humans were so interesting.