Faith – Chapter 9

I'd imagined sun and spray caressing my skin as I swung through the rigging like a child at play.

Instead, I got sea-sick. Walking in a straight line is impossible. I can't enter communal areas without a round of applause greeting every success and failure.

There's so much I'm denied. I can't watch the waves and sky from above decks. In better circumstances, I'd have loved the cramped intimacy of my cabin, yet I can't risk sharing it. No more discussions with Quinn over bottles of wine or whiskey.

The things I would do for one simple chat. My outlets vanish one by one. I destroy them quicker than battle ever could.

And I'm on my period. As if my stomach wasn't cramping enough.

I lurch across the deck. Volibear sits cross-legged before the rising sun. He is firm, upright and immovable while the sea reduces my limbs to gelatine.

I collapse over the railing. He says, 'You are spoiling my view.'

'Sorry… accident. Are you meditating?'

'I was, but if I were not open to diversion, I would have chosen a different spot.' His posture relaxes. 'On occasion, you must wait in place for the world to challenge you. Sometimes, activity conceals flight.' I hear a smile in his voice. 'A convenient excuse for many cowards, yet I remember those words clearer than a lot of "noble" wisdom.'

'You have to remain open to different ways of thinking.'

'Yes.' He watches me carefully. 'Before, I'd have questioned your belief in such, interesting. Is that a sign of your personal development, or a moral vacuum?'

'Both, and your conclusion says more about you.'

He chuckles. 'That is fair. I'll have to think on it.'

'You're in a good mood.'

'I am. We're making swift progress to a land where my skills are relevant, and I relish contemplating the sun. It is a storm defined by constancy rather than chaos, an intriguing paradox. And I love water. If only I could swim and find my way back without damaging the hull.'

'There must be a way. I'll ask Sarah to drop the biggest lifeboat.'

'Oh no, my recreation is unimportant, and I'd rather not endure her scrutiny.'

'She does like you.'

Volibear's fur stands on end. 'Yes, we get a lot of that from human women. It would appear that Ursine embody their masculine ideals without any of the sexual threat, so they feel free to celebrate our virtues.'

'You must be grateful Sejuani and I prefer women.'

'I don't have an opinion. If it makes you happier, then I'm glad. Otherwise, it isn't my place to comment. A few inappropriate remarks aren't a burden. I feel sorrier for the race that earns attention from your men.'

'Which race?' My heart sinks. 'Yordles?'

'If that is the case, I pray the void consumes us all.'

I laugh. 'You know something, Volibear?'

'What?'

'I'm glad we can speak like this.'

'I'd rather we didn't.' How disappointing. 'As it is, I'm only mortal and I need company like anyone. You're the sole person I can talk to right now. We share experiences, even if your perspective differs.'

'You have options. Quinn is a good listener.'

'She's too young, and far too swept up in everything. I doubt she considers more than a month ahead or gone.'

'You're being unfair,' but accurate, I silently concede. 'She has broader horizons than her countrymen.'

'I can believe that but I find her exhausting.'

'Showing your age?'

'Yes, even allowing for such, I'm hard on youth. When your benchmark is a great leader with insight beyond her years, others do fall short.' I treasure these moments when Volibear talks about Sejuani. However much I stumble, I know his love and esteem are eternal. 'When she's in full battledress and free of doubt, she looks ageless, rather than a sensitive girl of twenty-three short winters.'

Time freezes. My jaw rattles in a mockery of speech. 'I… t… twenty-three? She's… twenty-three?'

'Yes, her birth was an omen so the Winter's Claw made a point of recording… Ashe?'

I hear the thunk of tears bouncing off the deck. Rivers are pouring and I can't feel them. It's like an invisible knife has parted my ducts and I'm bleeding rather than crying. 'She… I… I never once… I thought we were the same age! Oh, Sejuani... my… little Sejuani… my poor little Sejuani!'

My past is torn up and rewritten. I no longer see my proud, implacable foe, my princess leading her armies, worshipping at my feet and weeping at my violation. I see a confused, lonely girl reaching out for my hand as we go to lessons, my poor little Sejuani.

For a moment, I think Volibear's going to shoulder me but no. 'She's not your child, Ashe. Whatever pain you've wrought is a debt between equals. You owe her that respect.'

'I know but…'

'You can't help feeling as you do,' Volibear says with quiet understanding. 'She's not my child either.'

'Don't say that. I'd rather hear you lie a thousand times than say that. Your devotion inspires me.'

'Then I question its worth. What use is a love that nourishes darkness?'

'That is my dilemma, not yours.'

'Perhaps it is neither of ours. Young or not, she has her own counsel.' The sun passes behind a cloud. 'You must know by now. The black wolf is her companion. Even before Sejuani fell to your charms, there were episodes where she'd only sleep and starve.'

'The Winter's Claw must really cherish her.'

'They do. She's no duellist. Anyone else with her disadvantages would have been usurped. What she lacks in vigour, she overcomes with endurance, intelligence and foresight. She can do more with a candle than I, a volcano.' He leans over the guardrail, as though straining for the lost warmth.

'Perhaps the darkness gives her strength. Maybe that's why she looks beyond herself.' It would explain her atrocities, though not excuse them. What pain could be worse than existence?

'I know she would be just as brilliant, and far happier, without it. Sejuani is not her illness.'

'Of course, but she pays a heavy price to be who she is. Try telling her I'm not my demons. You won't get very far.'

'She may be right, regarding you.' Volibear looks away. His next words are a shameful admission. 'But I'm grateful your demons have bought us passage. Your part is over. The Shadow Isles will be my proving.'

Resolve charges the air as he leaves. I say to the wind. 'You've proven yourself already, Volibear.'

He wheels to face me. 'Then why do we carve up the Freljord? Save your honeyed words for Quinn. I'd sooner have your opposition.'

I'd forgotten about his hearing. Every seed of my approval sows doubt in his mind. For the sake of our mission, we shouldn't get too close.

Perhaps I shouldn't get close to anyone. If only I could love my own company.