Faith – Chapter 14

Sarah's a woman of many talents, but first-aid isn't one of them. She's made a mess of my leg. Her stitches are appalling. I'd re-apply them but my shoulder hurts enough that I can't even lace my boots.

I'm told Volibear lies comatose but unscathed. Sarah barred me from keeping vigil. She claimed I might endanger my healing or try something unwise to save him. I suspect she's also forbade Quinn from visiting my quarters.

I understand Sarah's decision but she's overstepped her bounds. When she visits, I'm unwelcoming. She's aware that I'm upset and always brings rum as a peace offering. I can't say no.

For three days, I'm exhausted enough that I sleep right through, but as my waking hours grow, my frustration and self-loathing reach a boil. I drink as I've always done. Apparently, Sejuani can drink everyone under the table and walk along a narrow beam.

I feel sorry for her.

Just as I've drained another bottle of rum, I hear a tentative knock. That can't be Sarah. 'Quinn?'

'Um… yeah, sorry to disturb you. Can we talk?'

I feel my hair stand on end. I know that siren song. Whatever subject she raises, another motive lurks in plain view. I should say no. 'Come in.'

Quinn pads over the threshold, as if on a mission. 'I'm sorry that I couldn't visit. Sarah…'

'Kept us apart.' We share looks of indignation.

'I'm glad she's protecting you, but you're an adult. You can decide if I'm welcome, right?'

'We're both adults.'

'Am I?' She looms over me. Candlelight softens her skin to hide all the markings of battle, though her eyes remain dark. Her breasts cast a small but noticeable shadow. She sits on my bed and we touch through the sheet. As the mattress gives, I recall she's heavier than you'd think. 'Sometimes, I'm an adult. Other times…' Quinn chuckles. 'I talk about myself without asking if you're okay.'

'Just about. I'm worried about Volibear.' Not an answer, we're all worried about Volibear.

'So am I, but he's in the lap of his god, if that's the right word?'

'I'm unsure but if it saves him, it's worth our prayers.'

'I've never prayed. Valor may have some divine connection, but he's already full of himself, and I can't imagine why the gods would listen to me.'

'They have strange tastes. Avarosa looks out for me despite everything. As do you, Quinn. Perhaps you're a goddess?' I can't help flirting when we're this close. I have no self-control.

'I can't agree but I'm glad you're sounding like your old self. I've missed your compliments.'

'My old self was a lie.'

'That I saw through,' says Quinn. 'Whatever your intentions, you were honest in way that I'll remember for the rest of my life, and I'm still grateful.'

She's directing our conversation to the time we slept together. I have to resist. 'As am I, but we should leave that as a memory. Good ones are precious.'

'And a millstone,' she says. 'If you have memories but no future, where can you go?'

'That was my fault. I shouldn't have said anything.'

'You did nothing wrong, but you forgot that I'm an adult only half the time. When I'm a child, I want everything.' She clutches my wrist like a trap slamming shut. 'If you're convinced you made a mistake, and you owe me for it, then listen.'

'…Yes.'

'Before I met you, people were just outlines. I could see their actions but I couldn't see them. Everyone else read from one script and understood each other while I was left out. Loving women only made it worse. I couldn't work out if all these people were lying or if I were that alone.' Her fingers brush my cheek. I feel the blood rush to my face. 'But you're different. Even when you're lying, you tell the truth. You can't help it. Once I'd found your light, my shadows grew and I couldn't face them again.'

'You'll meet others.'

'When? Where? Nineteen years, I waited for you. Should I wait another nineteen? Do you know how many peasants live beyond forty?' She looks at me with open hunger. 'No, you were my only chance, and even if you were taken, I would make you mine.' She climbs over me with the grace of a tiger, knees either side of my hips. 'I gave up my soul for Sejuani so you'd owe me for your relationship. Every morning, every kiss, every conversation, you'd remember the girl who made it possible. When I took your place before Kalista, I forced myself upon you.'

Quinn's youth shines through those words. I can be the grown-up here. 'But a relationship always depends on more than two people.' I draw my hand from under the covers and stroke her arm. 'Everyone leaves a mark. Volibear, Tryndamere, Sarah, Anivia… and you have a welcome place in our lives, now and forever. There's no fault in what you've done.'

She falters. I'm taking back control. I peel my back off the mattress to give her a big friendly hug… and the sheets fall about my waist. This time, they don't catch on anything. I shiver as my chest is exposed. Quinn wets her lips. 'No,' she growls. 'You still think I'm innocent.'

She pushes me down. The impact fuels my anticipation. Quinn makes no pretence at eye contact. Her gaze wanders over my body. 'I'll show…' Fear punctures her breath as she tugs at her neckline. 'I'll show you how defiled I am.'

I've been here before. Deep within a Freljordian warren, I shed all humanity, forcing evil down Sejuani's tender throat. I thought I could repent through sacrifice but when Quinn took a spear meant for me, the debt shifted.

I have to pay her.

Lies.

I want to pay her.

She frantically pulls the laces out of her bodice, breaking some with her dirty nails. Closing her eyes, Quinn tears off the garment, revealing all.

She traces the remains of her breast. Red and yellow talons of scar tissue form a triangle around her splattered areola. Confused little bumps encircle the leathery space where her nipple once stood.

She finally speaks. 'I was tracking a Noxian agent when I fell into his trap. I survived only because a quick death was too kind. Lashing me to a diseased oak… I can still smell the leaking sap… he began to carve, piece by piece, towards my heart. In the end, Valor rescued me but I was already…' She fights back tears. 'No, I wasn't ruined. Even before that, I felt repulsive.' Her hands travel down, indicating moles on either side of her abdomen. 'I have extra nipples. When I was a little girl, other children called them "witch's tits". I covered up. Some days, I wouldn't leave the house. Caleb would fight any boy who called me names but he struggled with the girls. It was their words that really hurt.'

I'm overwhelmed. Instead of providing reassurance, I blurt, 'You're a cat.'

A spell breaks, or maybe falls. With a tilt of her delicate head and amber eyes, Quinn says, 'A cat?'

'Instead of a witch.' I'm drawn to her firm waist. 'You have extra nipples because you're a cat. You're… my cat. You're my lynx. You're my knight.'

'And you're my queen.' I feel the weight of her hard warrior's body. She kisses me. Falling upwards into her, my treacherous lips return all her love. Treacherous hands wrap the sheets around us. I kiss her neck, ears and hair. She says, 'I can show you all my blemishes and you still can't resist me.'

'Quinn…'

'I've never known such power.' She trails her fingers over my breasts. I whimper. 'Not even with a target in my sights. A good woman would respect your vows, and not take advantage, but I'm already corrupt. Once I drag you down, you'll never make excuses for me again.'

I knew little Quinn was blossoming into something fierce, but I'm unprepared for her assault. She cups my jaw. Her kisses, tough as iron, soft as velvet, ravage my defences, like she's crawled the length of a desert, and I'm an oasis. With a tug of my hair, she forces her tongue into my mouth. She's all I can breathe. I claw at her sweaty, muscular back and squeeze her buttocks through her leggings. In frustration, I pull at her belt.

She pushes me off, denying me the privilege of undressing her. She tears off layers. Buckles bounce off the furniture. Leather squeaks and rustles. Quinn was impossibly shy before. Now she's like a teenage boy, flush with animal hormones and eager to fuck me.

Her love is mine, as carnal as it is noble. Someone else understands.

Her knee pushes my legs apart. She caresses my thighs and I spread eagerly, straining for her touch. When she finally brushes my labia, the jolt is enough that I bite her shoulder. She gasps in delicious pain. After more frenzied kisses, we lock eyes. Dots of crimson glimmer like stars upon her lips. I'd fed her the taste of her own blood.

She smiles, proud of my crazed response. 'I…' She lowers her defence. 'May I… come inside you?'

'Please...' My arms draw her close in acceptance and I whisper teasingly. 'My lord.'

She settles the heel of her hand across my pelvis. I feel the pressure grow where she crushes her knuckles between our hips. Even with no penetration, I feel as though she's nailing us both to the mattress. Her forearm presses into my waist as I swallow her tongue. I'm close to fainting when Quinn draws back.

She grins rapaciously then touches my clitoris while nibbling warm wet circles over my neck and ears. I gasp little affirmations when she grinds into me. Quinn says, 'If only you could hear yourself, begging me to…' She stumbles on profanity, forcing herself from innocence to experience, from lynx to lioness. '…fuck you.'

Her digits probe further. Before I can respond, she's inside, and I lose myself to her rhythm. I release every nerve to Quinn's command. Only my fingers, trailing over her spine and shoulders, remain free.

My head lolls back. She kisses my neck and assails my breasts. I feel sparkling waves of ecstasy crash where her nails glide. She controls my pleasure while my desires are but words on water. Quinn is everything.

Some people say lovemaking is communication, but I only sought obliteration. I despise these urges of mine, despise how they debase my lovers and subjects. I longed for someone to conquer them for me, believed Sejuani could oppress them with barbarian rage. Instead she drew them out so far that I lost my humanity.

Never should I have run, but I keep on running, even if I tell myself no, my soul cries yes… yes… yes.

My core tightens and I moan with each wonderful contraction. A primal, forgotten language colours my breath. Quinn answers my call as the tides obey the moon. She drives against my thighs, grabbing fistfuls of the sheets in bloody determination to come. I press my brow to her temple and utter sweet vulgarities. I squeeze our bodies together to fill her senses, deny her flight and fuel her focus.

I know the fine art of inspiring a self-conscious lover. Doubt and insecurity can dispel the haze. Once a decision has to be made, she'll fall short of her goal. I devour the silence until she climbs to her peak. She growls and trembles with exertion. Her eyes roll upwards. Her mouth contorts. I hadn't seen her face during orgasm before. There's a lot of white. Little droplets of sweat illuminate her skin. I lick them. She has a wonderful even blush, while her locks are matted and oily by comparison. I tug at a few knots while she collapses, a lovely dead weight.

One of these days, I'll have to wash her hair properly, but if she didn't warrant a bit of domestication, she wouldn't be… my Quinn.

She's mine. I'm responsible for this, what she's become, what she's endured. Her shy, sleepy gaze rests on my clavicle. She mutters, 'Erm… sorry for...'

I spank her lightly. 'Don't apologise. You'll spoil the mood.'

'It's just…'

I chuckle. 'You feel a bit silly now?'

'Yes.'

I kiss her cheek. 'It's normal. You did well.'

'I felt selfish.'

'I know but sometimes you have to be selfish.' I blink through the grey dawn of my thoughts. 'I guess that's easier to say than it is to hear.'

Quinn murmurs. 'Just want to be good, for Demacia, for you…' She clutches me tighter. 'But I can't.' She begins to sob. 'I've tried everything and I can't.'

'You're not alone, Quinn. We've all fallen short of our ideals but our friends… and sometimes even our foes… accept us when we don't. You can trust in their strength, their judgement, and their love.'

Quinn's eyes are still wet with tears but another emotion sparks within. 'Ashe?'

'I love you, Quinn. Perhaps I have a greedy, fickle heart, and such words are snowflakes in a storm, but even if I say them to dozens of girls and walk thousands of miles from you, my feelings will remain. Every time we look at the same sun, I'll pray that you're growing and thriving with people you cherish. I'll pray that you're fighting for them as you fought for me… then if I live long enough, I'll pray that your daughters and sons inherit your golden eyes and evergreen soul. That is… all I can offer you, Quinn. You deserve more from life than I can give, but all I have is yours.'

Quinn rains kisses over my head, face and shoulders, raking through my hair like a feral beast. Amidst all the unseemly hiccups and snuffles, I hear, 'It's enough… it's enough.'

I feel a burden settle. Perhaps it will never leave but I can bear it. I'm a goddess, after all. Pain, devotion, guilt and fear, these are my blessings and also my tribute.

As Quinn's outpouring slows to needy, mumbling exhaustion, a creak from outside ruins our peace. Quinn tenses, then rolls out of the bed, fishing a knife out of her discarded belt. I'm instantly cold without her. She crouches, naked as a wolf, wiping off the stickiness of emotion.

Our visitor lumbers away. The whole floor bows from crushing footfalls. I'm ready as I'll ever be to face the consequences but I'm still afraid. 'Volibear,' I say.

Quinn fidgets while I dress. 'Erm… should we go together?'

'No, you can't fight all my battles.'

'You don't think Volibear will…'

'Perhaps.' I raise my chin. If I'm to face my end, I'll do it as the hunter Sejuani loved. 'I fear my judgement will be so much worse than death. Imagine fighting a war both sides have already lost, while knowing you're to blame.'

Quinn shudders. 'What have I done?'

'I'd have been tested and found wanting, eventually, but you saved Sejuani's soul as I failed you both. You found a light shining in the darkness. Be proud.'

She nods, without conviction at first. A hesitant smile blooms. 'Okay, tell her that… oh, I don't know. Barbarians don't like apologies, do they?'

'Not really.'

'Then tell her she has good taste in women, and if she doesn't treat you right, I will.'

'She has awful taste in women but I think she'd respect your challenge.'

'Well, it was more a promise to you than…' She plays with her hands. 'Ah, forget I said anything. I've interfered enough. Don't want her invading Demacia.'

A heavy silence descends. We're parting ways. All I can feel is the distance between us and how much it will grow. Quinn gives me a push. 'You should… see Volibear.'

I force a grin. 'Sorry, it's hard to leave when you're standing there, all naked and yummy.'

She'd likely forgotten. Blushing, she covers her chest and turns away. The supposedly coy gesture shows off her back. You don't fool me, Quinn. She giggles. 'You're terrible.'

'I am. Remember that.' I tear my gaze from her. 'Please don't follow me.'

'No promises.'

'Please.'