Faith – Chapter 15

The final steps usher me to the deck, a stage for my denouement. I see the stars, an audience of billions, unsure if they're here to witness a performance, pit fight or execution.

The boards are lit with an eerie cyan glow, similar to the caves of the Freljord. Volibear lurches across the ship, oddly pristine fur drenched in gravelight. In his arms, Anivia's egg shimmers like an eye.

Volibear's expression is unreadable at the best of times. Now, his blankness defeats all interpretation. A poet would look upon him and see nothing.

His neck swivels. I feel someone else looking through Volibear. 'Ashe.'

My toes dig into the floor. 'Sejuani?'

She - or he, perhaps I'm speaking with them both - does not respond. Volibear shuffles closer. His palm engulfs my head like a hangman's cowl. Through bloody fog, I hear my skull crack.

Lightning swarms over me, shaping a river to the farthest shore. The waves rise and fall, crashing onto the base of a mysterious castle. One half resembles a keep. The other half is a mosaic of stone and glass, through which blue fires flicker.

My vision jars upon impact with a black portcullis. A bitter, feminine scent is the last thing I know before powerful hands emerge and seize my throat.

I'm hanging naked from a damp wall, arms and legs akimbo like a broken butterfly. Manacles press into my bleeding wrists and ankles. My damaged shoulder complains while my head slouches under its own weight. All I can see are my split ends and open thighs.

Depending on company, this position could be fun, traumatic or both. I hear a voice which drives me to the edge of reason. 'Ashe.'

I look up and see my prison. Half the room is the cell where I chained Sejuani, Volibear and Quinn. I guess it's only fair that I have my turn. Over the threshold is a different world. Alien gadgets and light sources overlook a bed of curious design. Upon it, wearing a simple outfit of dense cotton britches, and a button-down top with a stiff collar, is the woman we'd risked all to save.

Brilliant eyes glitter from a stern face, in defiance of their own beauty. Her small nose and fine glacial expanse of a jaw plead for a million kisses. Long fingers entwine below powerful biceps, above calves tall and firm enough to be siege towers.

I dare not risk a familiar greeting. 'Is that you, Sejuani?'

'Close enough.' I hear the pause of an obligation. 'I'm glad you came back.'

'Others paid a heavy price to spare me.'

'They did.' Sejuani's mouth twitches in anger. 'Volibear shared everything.'

Sejuani hates weakness. I have to bear my sins. 'I've no defence. Pass your judgement.'

She snarls like a dragon, punching her mattress with enough ferocity that I hear the frame crack. 'Is that all you have to say? Don't be such a coward. You had some reason to behave as you did.'

'You want to hear my rationale? There was none. I was weak and irresponsible.'

'You insist our tribes can understand each other but whenever it hurts one of us, you close down!' She covers her face in exasperation. 'I'd suffer the void for you but you won't accept that. You won't accept me.'

'Then tell me where to begin.'

Sejuani peers between her fingers. I can taste her apprehension as I did at our last encounter. 'The… Demacian brat, you said you… loved her. Did you mean it?'

I sense a knot in my throat, a future ready to be born. I can't withhold it. A kick forces words into my mouth. Is this what labour feels like? What I say next will change our destiny forever. There's no time for qualification. Explanations are as good as lies.

All I can do is follow Sejuani's lead. If she would suffer the void, I will summon it. 'Yes.'

The word is black ice, dissolving between us. Unsteadily, she rises to her feet. Like a tree swaying from an axe's blow, she totters then smashes her fists into the wall, howling. Rivers of blood pour from her knuckles. Gradually, her cries diminish from a barbarian's roar to the sobs of a broken young woman. She kneels then falls. 'What is it you see in her?'

'She's brave…'

'Lots of people are brave! Volibear's brave. Tryndamere's brave. You don't love them!'

'She denied Jarvan to…'

'She latched on to a stronger personality! She's been bred to die for whatever stupid cause her betters decide. She's no more than a hurled rock or a thrown spear.'

'She's kind…'

'She's a pup! She'd lick the hand of anyone for scraps of emotion.'

'She's pretty…'

'No, she's not! She looks like a boy!' Sejuani hammers the ground. 'She… looks like a boy.' There's a pause in her rage, a concession.

'You're jealous, aren't you?'

Sejuani sits up. With a sneer, she grabs one of her breasts and recoils immediately. 'She's a runt, but when I saw her dressed like a man in Volibear's memory… great mother, I'd have given everything to be her. The feeling passed but, for a moment, it was there.'

'Sejuani…'

'It hurts to think some witless Demacian can effortlessly do the one thing I never could, and it hurts even more to know that you like it.' She spits. 'I bet she fucks you like a man too, something I… can't do. Serylda knows I tried with our women. If I had another body, perhaps I would have felt something other than sadness and failure.'

'There's no failure. That isn't what I need from you.'

Sejuani sighs. 'Don't lie to me, Ashe. It is something you need. I think you'd rather get it from me, but you can't.'

'You're… half-right. Since the beginning, it's always been me chasing and you pulling away. Say what you will about Quinn, she goes after what she wants, and it makes me feel happy, like an object of desire rather than a slave to it. You're gorgeous no matter what role you take. I just wish you'd approach me, willingly, rather than force me to claim you.'

'"Force you?"'

My heart sinks. How can I blame her for my sadism? 'No, forgive me! What happened was my fa…'

'No, you had it right.' Sejuani looks away in disappointment. 'For an instant, you had it right. Then you shied away, like always.'

'No, don't take responsibility for…'

'I'll take responsibility when I deem fit, as will everyone else.' Her scrutiny redoubles. 'Did you force the brat to throw her life away?'

'"She" has a name. You owe her that much after she rescued your soul.'

'Fine. Did you force… Quinn to throw her life away?'

'Volibear didn't hear everything. I talked her into it by mistake.'

'Your speech is dangerous, but you're not responsible for two decades of brainwashing, loneliness and self-hatred.'

'You know nothing of her.'

'But I know myself, and I know you,' Sejuani says. 'The truth is you can't relinquish your guilt. Once you're declared innocent, you become powerless, and that terrifies you.' Her pronouncement is like a door slamming shut.

'Sej…'

'All you've done is run away. This united Freljord you speak of isn't some great vision. It's a means to preserve the frightened little girl you once were, to make our world your playpen, where everything is your fault and you can feel safe.'

'My people aren't playthings! They're individuals and I want them to…'

Sejuani's knife twists further. She's the one person I could never hide from. 'You don't even grant agency to the people you love! I am your fault. Quinn is your fault. How much less must you think of the peasants under your heel? You didn't even trust Volibear with the truth, the greatest, wisest man I've ever known. And you stole his right to set a course with open eyes!'

'I thought he would kill me for…'

'He would not kill you behind my back, especially over something as trifling as Quinn! How can you blind yourself so readily?'

I might ask Sejuani the same, considering she broke down over this "trifle". 'What I had with Quinn did mean something, and if you wouldn't acknowledge it, I wanted Volibear to do so… then punish me for wounding you.'

'Yet you hid from his judgement.'

'Yes, I still wanted to live, and even if I were to fall, I had to save you first.'

As I speak my truth, this world blurs. I can't focus. The strain is agony. Sejuani reaches out and I yearn for her touch. My desire goes unquenched. Instead she removes an object from the bridge of my nose. I see clearly again.

Our cell has vanished. We sit on a grey mountaintop. Above, the sky is an unsettling purple. Far below, the fields of ice are covered in a shroud of blood-red mist. I'm still chained to a rock, and still naked. Sejuani is now wearing her typical battledress and toying with a something. She takes off her helmet then presses the object to her face. Her eyes consider me through the rectangular spectacles from our shared dream.

She can see me now as never before.

So where do we go from here?

This woman will follow you to the end of any path, and fight you every step of the way.

Avarosa?

Maybe. Here it is more likely that you are hearing your words through my voice.

Or hearing my fears.

How apt. Fear was always my closest companion. Through its counsel, I can tell you that Sejuani fears asking questions more than answering them.

While I fear the opposite.

…

So I begin asking questions. 'Where do we go from here?' I echo. 'For a start, I guess you don't want me sleeping around after all.'

'Do as you will. My terms haven't changed.'

'Sejuani, don't give me that. You nearly broke your hand in jealousy.'

'And?'

'I'm sick of hurting you!'

'Should I tell others they can't fight for you?' The red mist glows. 'My place is to become stronger, not refuse all competition. If these women prove worthy of more than a place in your harem, that is my failing.'

'So when you grow sick and old, I should abandon you?'

'That is our way. I'd sooner die at the peak of my powers than live to become a burden.'

'If you're cruel enough to die young, you'll burden me for as long as I draw breath, and you'll destroy Volibear.' The sky growls in response. 'Don't you realise your very life is a well of strength, no matter how frail you become?'

'We're not sentimental. We…'

'Volibear certainly is, and he's one of the greatest warriors our land has known.'

Clouds gather. Sejuani says, after a pause. 'I can't deny that.'

'Is it such a weakness? You can want me to yourself, even if you don't feel deserving.'

'I… deserve to know the parts you keep hidden, even if they hurt me. Your desire is magnificent. I'll not be shielded from what others freely behold.'

'If you insist. We may both regret this.' I feel the beast rising as I hold Sejuani's gaze. 'Do you know that I fantasise about you getting fucked by the whole Freljord, even Tryndamere?' Lightning flashes. 'Do you know that I once woke up all of the ship, not because of a nightmare, but because I got off to you bearing his children? Would you suffer that for me?' Sejuani can't hide her shock. Sweet Avarosa, I'm picturing her as the main course on a banqueting table. 'Yes, I fantasise about humiliating us both. I'm your goddess, after all.' She doesn't respond. 'You don't have an answer. That's a first.'

'I've heard it all before,' she says quietly, drawing her knees together. 'But hearing it from you makes it real. I don't think I could enact your scenario, not willingly.' That last qualification chills my blood. She's leaving a frightening possibility open.

'Don't even consider it. I doubt I'd enjoy the real thing anyway.'

She looks unconvinced. 'My men often talk of rutting you. They can defile the virtuous "queen", ruin your legacy and repay their fallen.'

Of course they do, and I don't have any pearls to clutch after my disclosure. 'But you don't join in.'

'People should learn from your strategies. Too disgraceful an end might overshadow them.'

'That sounds like an excuse.'

'Does it?' She stares into her broken helmet, as if studying her own face. 'You're not wrong. I feel your humiliation is something I should want, even if I stall the urge for the greater good.'

'You shouldn't force yourself to want anything, least of all that. I don't see my feelings as natural.'

'Others will. I see them as natural.' I see tremors where her fingers grip the helmet. 'And I'd do anything to help you accept them.'

The tremors grow until they consume everything. Our surroundings change again.

We're in a tent filled with opulent drapes, a conqueror's tent. I can't imagine Sejuani living here. Maybe this is an ideal to which she can't aspire. There are rugs and furs all over the floor, so her non-existent harem has ample space to lounge. I can smell sex and incense.

One slave girl relaxes amongst them. She's long and muscular, dressed only in jewellery, nipple tassels, and a strip of cloth dangling from a thin cord around her waist. A dusting of white body hair coats her legs, arms and belly. She has the impossible curves and endowment of a fantasy come to life.

But Sejuani's not a fantasy. Awkwardly, she drags a hand from thigh to chest. Upon contact, she screws up her eyes and flushes. I don't know if she's excited, or appalled. 'You picture me like this, don't you?'

My whole body aches with lust. I pull against my chains. 'Don't do this to yourself.'

'You don't listen to me when I tell you the same.' She stops massaging her breast. 'We're missing something.' She gets on all fours. 'Yes, that's better. You love this. You love the discomfort in my eyes, and you love watching it ebb. Every second I hold this position, it grows a little more natural, and pleasurable. Eventually, I might enjoy letting men fuck me like this, while you watch.'

The hormones are suffocating. My pelvis clenches. I swear I'm going to come with no contact whatsoever. The line between my awful dreams and the real Sejuani is blurring, if it was ever there to begin with.

'You imagine me pregnant with their children.' A chill darkens the room and another illusion falls.

The tent is now bare and ragged. Sejuani droops, abdomen hollow beneath her ribs. We've discovered her true breaking point. Finally, the space between my fantasy and the flesh and blood woman has grown insurmountable.

She says, 'I don't understand why you'd want me to bear someone else's child! You are cruel to yourself in many ways but I can't... I can't…'

I turn this around. 'Why is my having a child so painful to you?'

'Because I'd have no future!' Her voice rises in pitch. 'And I can't lose that. I could lose everything else but not that.' Her denial takes form and clouds my view of her. She's no longer a woman, but a girl, draped in loose clothing that obscures her stunted frame. Even so, she can't pass as a boy, not like Quinn.

'What do you mean?'

'If you bear a child, you'll leave a mark of your connection with someone else.' Despite her visible regression, Sejuani's cadence remains lofty as ever. 'Your stud will be remembered through his descendants while all trace of our bond will vanish.'

'What if we raised the child together, as a couple?'

'Their presence would be a constant reminder that all we have is fleeting.'

'Many children are known for their adopted parents. We don't have an alternative, barring a miracle.' Divine intervention rescued Quinn. We could pray for the same. 'Why is bloodline so important to you? Doesn't your tribe scorn inheritance?'

'I inherited the wrong eyes, the wrong voice, the wrong urges and the wrong body! Nature gave me the wrong past. All I have left is the future.' Her voice lowers. 'Please don't take that away from me.'

'Then we have one option.' She doesn't answer. 'I know you proposed it in another life. What if you bore the child?'

Sejuani gathers up handfuls of her oversized smock. 'I'm the Winter's Wrath, not a mother.'

'You could be anything.'

'You would… see the child as yours?'

'Yes. You'd carry them for me. We'd raise them together. They'd understand our different ways and unite the Freljord in a way that I never could.'

'I…'

'Would you sooner have me bear someone else's child?' She squirms. 'I'm not asking you to commit to anything. We… no, you have to know the answer.' In this form, she looks petulant, rather than brooding. I'm finding it easier to press her. Maybe I shouldn't be a parent, after all.

Her voice is ragged when she finally responds. 'I'd rather bear the child.'

'You're so brave.' She looks up through glimmering eyes. I fall into an ocean of her tears.

We emerge on a strange dock, surrounded by giant, rusty ships of distant origin. I'm lashed to the front of one like a figurehead. Sejuani's an adult again, dressed in synthetic and woollen clothes.

I say, 'You do have a future, Sejuani. Maybe it's not as you are now, but anything else would be an eternal present.'

Sejunai rubs her nose. 'There is truth in your words. If only you ruled your tribe with such wisdom.'

'I'll get there.'

She smiles thinly. 'Giving birth might scar me for life. Yielding to this body, after resisting it for so long... Yielding to you was painful enough.'

'Sorry, my love. I'll regret that for as long as I live.'

'We'd both have chosen different roles. Perhaps we'll transcend them, one day.'

The cold sea wind passes through my bones. 'Would we still be lovers then?'

'I don't know,' she says, warming her hands in her pockets. 'The future is boundless.'

'What about now?'

She gives a deep sigh. 'No more or less than we were before.'

'So nothing's changed?'

'You never did live up to my expectations. You either fell short or exceeded them. Through rescuing my soul, you did both. I see only continuation.'

'Is that enough?'

'I doubt it. Our situation can not hold.'

'What should I change?'

She answers readily, 'Don't lie to Volibear. What you do to him, you do to me.'

'I'm sorry for hurting your friend. I don't expect his forgiveness, or acceptance.'

'You should expect nothing apart from your life. He won't kill you. So long as we're connected, he'll stand between you and the void.'

I barely deserve his acknowledgement, and he knows it. His devotion to Sejuani has forced him into the role of my protector. 'That isn't fair.'

'Then be the woman deserving of his blood. Make it fair.'

'How?'

She pauses, as though communicating with him. 'That's for Volibear to say. He's expressed little to me. I've rarely known him so quiet.'

'Oh.' That's ominous.

'He may be withholding judgement until I'm restored.' She waggles her fingers, as though seeing them for the first time.

'You seem worried.'

'Yes, part of me fears how I may change. Maybe I'll seek vengeance for your actions when I have my soul back. I'm uncomfortable with that thought.'

'I don't think our relationship, or any relationship, is worth your soul. If both you and Quinn come to believe that, I'll sleep easier.' She turns her back to me, arms crossed tight across her heart. 'Sejuani?'

'Perhaps... I don't know. I know what I wish to believe.'

'That there's something larger than you, worthy of your self-destructive, unconditional love, a woman you may fall before without losing your pride. You watched me save your soul, not as a warrior, but as a craven rogue, lying and seducing my way to victory.' She doesn't respond. 'Now, history has to be rewritten. If a great leader put you on your back, you could retain some of your identity. If a weakling took advantage of you then all is lost.'

She whispers, 'You didn't take advantage. I delivered myself to you. It was my choice to... submit.' Oh, my poor thing, saying that must have hurt so much.

'You chose without knowing me. Now you've seen what I truly am, would you change the past?'

'You're many people, Ashe, and I saw who you were at that point in time.'

'Do you love me, or just her?' She rubs her cheek. I wonder if she's crying. 'If it's any consolation, I was just as blind. I never knew you were younger than me.'

She turns, roused from her stupor by the mention of numbers rather than feelings. 'Yes, by three years, if my sources are correct?' I nod. 'My birthdate is common knowledge. I shared it with an omen. I can't imagine how you stayed ignorant.'

'I never thought to ask. I just assumed we were the same. You weren't the only one chasing an ideal. I pictured another half, not a younger woman with anxieties and weaknesses. I'm glad I found you instead.' She doesn't smile in return. 'I guess you can't express the same.' I relax into my chains. 'You're strong enough to walk away.'

'Your Demacian wouldn't walk away. I'm not losing you to her.'

If my infidelity secures our relationship because Sejuani's that eager to spite Quinn, I might give up on making sense of the world. 'She'll return to her own life. Quinn was never mine. I was only her coming of age story. Perhaps I'm just yours. Walk away. Leave me chained. I can't chase you now.'

Sejuani speaks with kind frustration. 'You're not chained.' I tug and wince as the metal bites into my wrist. 'You're doing this to yourself.'

'Maybe Volibear…?'

'No, he's not interfering.'

I no longer trust my senses. We're in limbo, floating through rainclouds, the raw materials of the storm and our shared hallucination.

I can't see my body, let alone my chains. Yet something holds my consciousness just as firmly. Before me shines a valkyrie with eight grey wings and skimpy silver armour. Her helmet is no longer broken. Sejuani's become the living ideal of strength and beauty.

No, I want to see the real thing. Maybe I never saw the real thing. Maybe this is her trying to please me.

Did she ever try to please me? The thought is oddly troubling. Sejuani wouldn't do that, would she?

I slump from invisible shackles. 'I'm too weak to break free,' I say with an invisible tongue.

'You're not.' Her voice is that of the heavens.

'I am. If you still wish to believe, then walk away. Trust I will break free and hunt you as I did before. But if you're wrong, you can sleep well, knowing you're free of your false goddess. Either way, you win.'

She hesitates. 'What if I still want you?'

'Then free me, and in doing so, accept I am broken and helpless, that I will never live up to your ideals,' I say, 'That I'm just an Avarosan you squandered your dignity upon.'

She floats up to me, and I drink her in. She's gorgeous, utterly gorgeous, and the mere sight of her is enough to strike me dead. Watching her move is paradise. Underneath her divine façade, I smell both sweat and snow. She gives me form when she brushes my cheek. I kiss her hand in rapture. She says with growling sensuality, 'Ashe, I'll never lose all faith in you. Perhaps it will fray to dust as you try me to destruction but, even scattered and formless, it will remain.'

'I love you so much!' I blurt, all my poise gone.

She presses her forehead to mine. Her eyes captivate me, with their unique slant and azure colour, deep as a summer night. I've long wondered which ancient warrior-queen or legendary creature bequeathed them. She may carry some Frostguard blood, as Nunu's eyes turn a similar way, and she's always been one of nature's enchantresses. 'I don't know if I can accept you like this. I may destroy both of us trying to lift you up, or drag you down.' I can feel the hunger on her lips. 'Ashe, I would know you one last time before I make a decision.'

Please let this be real. 'Take me. Take me and if you can love what's left, I'm yours.'

Unlike so many times before, she doesn't argue. She kisses me. Joy cascades like a waterfall. I bare my throat as her hands explore my body for the first time. She'd always been a deferential lover despite her talk of conquest. Even at our most intimate, she kept her animal side wrapped under layers of cold philosophy. This engagement is what I needed from her, not only her love but her desire. For so long, I'd wondered if she truly shared my passion, but right now, she's putting all my fears to rest with her tongue and her touch. Even if this is just a dream, we have a future here… we have…

Light explodes. We connect and violently separate. We were everything and now we are nothing. I'm hollow, my heart, lungs and soul, gone. I scream with loss and frustration, scream to silence. I'm alone… and I'm awake.