Faith – Chapter 16

Volibear staggers away, pawing at a quarrel in his arm. I stumble as though drunk, falling across the guardrail. I want to howl in grief, but all I can do is retch between sobs.

I can't let it end like this. In desperation, I run towards him to plead forgiveness. I need access to that magical world where Sejuani wanted to ravish me. From what she was saying, that could have been our last time!

Volibear swats me to the deck, and I land on my injured shoulder. Before, I'd have passed out from the pain but when everything else is at fever pitch, you simply go numb. His arms crackle. 'Get out of my sight.'

'Volibear…'

'I have nothing to say you, betrayer!' He tears the missile out of his bicep. 'I made a promise to Sejuani and I will not break it for you, no matter how low you sink.' Flesh knits over the wound. He looks younger following his regeneration. If that happens every time, he could be older than we know.

Sighing, he looks with pity beyond words at our intruder. Quinn's crossbow dangles by her trigger finger. Her eyes bulge with watery, babyish dread, like she's awaiting a smack. She says. 'I thought you were…'

'Do you think you could stop me if I wanted Ashe dead?' He says without arrogance. 'Leave. That's all the guidance I can offer. Let your flame die before it engulfs you.'

My tongue is sharper than Volibear's. I'm seething with arousal and it's fraying my nerves. 'Quinn, I told you not to follow.'

Volibear shouts over me, 'So what? Your words are a veil. The poor girl is obsessed. Any selfless concern you feign will merely hook her deeper.'

He's right. I have to be the vicious, masterful queen of the Freljord. I have to be the creature that Sejuani loves. Mustering all the gravity a fallen woman can project, I say, 'Do you have any idea what you've done? I was communing with Sejuani, trying to mend our relationship, and you stole me from her.'

Quinn says, 'I didn't realise…'

'You claim to love me but you never listen to me! So long as I'm an object you can chase, you don't care what I want, what I feel… who I am.' Part of me believes what I'm saying. I collapse and feel the cool wood on my cheek. 'I don't think anyone cares who I am, and that's okay.'

'I do care, Ashe. I really do.'

'Then leave.'

'But… okay, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.' Quinn turns to Volibear. 'Please don't hurt her, Mr. Bear. If you feel you owe me anything, don't hurt her.'

He views me with contempt. 'I won't kill her. That alone is testing my restraint, yet I won't consider my debt erased for a promise I'd already given Sejuani. You're owed restitution greater than Ashe's life.'

'It's enough for me,' says Quinn. 'I'm sorry, Ashe, I don't want to abandon you but I don't want to make things...'

I snap. 'I asked you to leave anyway. Go!'

Quinn slinks away.

I sit upright and hug my knees. 'Whatever Sejuani decides, whatever you decide, I'll…'

'We don't need your co-operation, Ashe. Do as you will.' Volibear ignores me to watch the sea.

Clutching at straws to maintain our conversation, I stupidly offer, 'She called you "Mr. Bear".'

'She may call me Avarosan for all I care. She gave up her soul for my cub, while you sold your heart.'

'I never meant it to be this way.' Meaningless words, even if they are true.

'Does that make any difference?' He searches the clouds above. 'You have a terrible power, Ashe, the power to love whatever achieves your goal. You sought one Freljord, so you loved Sejuani. You sought a means to avoid your fate, so you loved Quinn.'

'I didn't...'

'Silence! I don't want to hear your excuses even if you believe them. I've little doubt your feelings are genuine. You don't manipulate others. You manipulate yourself. When I look at you, I see the void. I see chaos walking. I see the storm… and it frightens me.' His voice sounds like it's coming from a thimble, rather than his cavernous body. 'The storm frightens me.'

'I'm just a woman, Volibear.'

'Which frightens me most of all. Perhaps you are the way of the world and I didn't notice. Before my ascension, I confronted my predecessors for turning inward and losing sight of our realm. All this time, I've been prey to the same vice, but I can't change course. It is too late.'

'What do you mean? What is too late?'

'I can't acknowledge your potential because you've hurt my cub. I could write a million sermons on creative destruction. I could listen to Sejuani sing verse after verse on conquest.' He stares into his palms. 'All the wisdom and rage of our combined heritage, all of Sejuani's acceptance won't move me to condone you. My beliefs are vanity. For now, I am not Chosen of the Storm. I'm simply Volibear. Go.'

I rediscover my balance. After everything, I'm still alive. I'm still Ashe. My fingers and toes move as they always did. I can still run, shoot, eat and fuck. I remember Sarah's comment about her body forgetting the pain of childbirth.

I should leave, but one sentence rises to my lips. 'I never knew she sang.'

'She does, only to herself.' He's so easy to bait into conversation. You just have to mention Sejuani. 'I can't judge her skill by human standards but I enjoy listening to her.'

My knees buckle. I'm consumed with the recollection of her breath and voice. To think I could have heard her sing! Oh, I need her touch. I need everything. 'As would I. Thank you for telling me. Goodbye Volibear.'

I descend into darkness. It feels like an embrace. I'd resigned myself to exposure but the dark always returns. I don't deserve you, my friend.

It's so hot down here. Why is it so hot? Is it my shame and anger, the heat of The Syren's engines or merely the climate? I wish every land were like the Freljord. I could at least think there.

No, I couldn't. Even waist-deep in the purity of the driven snow, I dissolved into corruption.

As I near my cabin, I feel my body hair rising. I can smell prey. Quinn, I know you too well. I know exactly where you'll be, sexy, stubborn Quinn, who ruined my good time.

She's there, sat with her back against the door. She looks up at me like a beaten dog and says, 'I'm sorry. I know you're mad but I can't sleep knowing I've done wrong. I just want to make things right.'

With a surge of adrenaline, I seize her neckline with my one good arm then pin her against the wall. I invade her mouth with my tongue. She claws in feeble resistance. I grab her knee and pull it up, thrusting my thigh between hers. When I break our kiss, Quinn looks at me with pleading eyes.

Ever the good girl, except when she's not. 'Ashe, this won't help. You'll feel…'

'Don't tell me what I'll feel.' I punish her again for her impudence, biting as I disengage. 'Right now, I can't make things any worse, and no matter what happens between us, we'll go back to our separate lives. This is just a dream, a beautiful, beautiful dream.'

'Ashe…'

I cup her face. 'We can make a show of our guilt and impress nobody, least of all, Sejuani and Volibear, or we may salvage what we can.' She swallows. 'Life is cruel. You might wait a long time for another partner, but if you'll have me, Quinn, I'm yours until we land.'

'I…'

'Yes, my lynx?'

'I… just once, I want to wake up next to you, in a bed, like we're… married. I want to know what that feels like.'

'You sweetheart.' I kiss her throat. 'Is that all?'

She clutches my hip and leans into me. 'No.'

Quinn is a beast. I thought I was alone for wanting sex all the time but she gave me a place to belong, over and over again.

She couldn't sleep at first. She tossed and turned like the ocean. After fantasising about sharing a single bed, she discovered it was really hard. I smiled in the dark as I listened to her growl in frustration.

She woke up exhausted while I was refreshed. I kicked off the blanket and she greeted me with a scowl as deep as a Freljordian ravine. She grumbled, attached herself to my waist, and forced me down before going back to sleep.

I remember wishing I had a book while she caught up. However, she was so adorable, I couldn't stay mad. Her bratty side was a gift. When I slept with Sejuani, she was the suffering, indulgent wife, while I was the needy pest. I enjoyed filling a different role.

When Quinn woke up, she was contrite and affectionate. She kissed my belly, and we laughed about how difficult it was to sleep with another person. When my stomach rumbled, she collapsed into a fit of giggles. I felt a warm dampness where her face lay. She raised her head and looked at me with the most beautiful expression I'd ever seen. Wiping away grateful tears, Quinn finally knew what it was like to be married.

Soon, I learnt to sleep with my back to Quinn so she could roll away or spoon depending on her need. I had fewer chances to ogle her, but I loved it when she kissed my neck and caressed my side. It got even better when she wrapped her arms underneath mine to play with my breasts. I always gave her buttock an approving squeeze when she did that. Her future partners might rue my encouragement, but I'm sure Quinn can afford a few bad habits.

Liberated from her shyness, Quinn proved an athletic and inventive lover. She tried new methods and positions without thinking any through. With my sore shoulder, I was happy to luxuriate in her vigour, savouring her incompetence and inspiration alike. She held me like a dog, worshipped my feet, and left accidental bruises with her muscle and bone. When I took control, she relaxed into a more feminine role, as doe-eyed and ingenuously seductive as when we first met.

In the gentle silence of an afterglow, I asked her which role she preferred. She didn't know. I liked her answer.

I learnt so much about her body. Whether due to scarring or nature, she's quite insensitive. I can suck almost anywhere to the point of leaving a mark and she barely notices. Only penetration's difficult. She keeps asking for it only to seize up like a bear trap whenever I so much as probe with my tongue.

Whenever I'm inside her, it feels like something other than lovemaking. It feels like a conversation she can't hold. I watch her gaze upwards in a sore trance while I move, slower than a mountain. When she moans with pleasure, it's like she's communing with the divine.

I worry that she's preparing her body for the role of Demacia's queen. As before, I'm despondent, yet secretly thrilled. I wish I knew how to process my taste for watching masculine women getting fucked, usually by men. I don't know whether it's an expression of my self-hatred or just a benign quirk of my sexuality.

I don't know.

I like that answer, just not from me.

Everybody knew what I was doing with Quinn. Walls talk on a ship. I've little doubt sailors were making vulgar jokes at my expense but they were too scared of their captain to bother me. Conversely, Quinn grew more popular. Many times, I saw her wearing her new bodice and laughing with the men. I think they saw her as one of the "lads" while I was a perverted woman who put on airs. Never mind that I was a blooded ranger with mud on her boots, I was Quinn's conquest.

Sarah made things awkward. She was torn up with guilt and far too eager to fix our relationship. Although her pout and swagger masked our tension, Bilgewater's foremost bounty hunter wore neediness like a halo. By warning everyone off me, she'd painted a bigger target.

We began talking again, slowly. Sarah had little experience of true friendship. She was used to resolving arguments with coin or blood.

So many of us grow up alone. We might as well be stars in a cloudy sky.

Volibear was uncommunicative. I lost some respect for him. Why do all these "mighty" warriors prowl and sulk at the first sign of personal conflict? If men aren't retreating into their little caves, they're cracking awful jokes or puffing out their chests. I grew frustrated enough that I played a suicidal game, staring at him to provoke a reaction. I wanted him to lose his temper and throw me into the sea.

Of course, he never did.

I found refuge in Quinn. Every day, she grew up a little more while the rest of us grew stagnant. Even if I couldn't follow, I could watch.

The towers of Demacia were no comfort when Valor sounded our arrival.