Faith – Chapter 18

The Demacians were hospitable this time around. Volibear got a room rather than a cage. My chamber feels unsettlingly cool with its white sheets and white walls. Everything is lavish but itchy. The sterile air tickles my lungs.

At least I have wine, a familiar Cabernet. Quinn had gifted me the same before we first made love. I hope its appearance isn't a romantic gesture on her part. I drink one small glass to settle my nerves and leave the bottle out of sight. I need my wits about me.

I sleep one restless night. Xin Zhao cheerfully serves breakfast and supper. Nobody changes the sheets, which is a mercy. I prefer grime to starch.

I've little to do but read and exercise. Luckily, my hosts have provided enough books. I plough through tedious propaganda for stray morsels of knowledge. One of the books is an epic romance about fair knights and fair maidens. To my surprise, there's even sex, even if the details are hidden by metaphor and antiquated language. Is this one of the stories Quinn grew up on? She probably got off to this a few times. Unfortunately, this environment shrivels my libido. No fun for me.

Late afternoon, as the sky grows dark outside my window, somebody knocks. When I don't hear Xin Zhao's call, I draw my dagger. Hidden threats roam every country.

'Queen Ashe?' I know that voice. Jarvan's come in person. 'Are you decent?'

I hunt for the wine bottle and pour myself another glass. 'Well, I'm dressed.' I need something to hold. Otherwise, my hands will give too much away.

Jarvan enters, wearing a simple indigo tunic and loose britches. Without his armour, he could be an off-duty nightwatchman. Doesn't he have a hairdresser? By all accounts, he's a dynamic fighter but he looks malnourished. He surveys the room, as if expecting an ambush. 'Do you mind if I sit?' I hear no warmth in his etiquette.

'Of course not.'

I suck my teeth as he drags a chair to face mine. His limbs fold into the low, narrow seat. Finally, he says, 'I've spoken with Quinn.'

'She's not a liar.'

'No, but she's withholding something.'

'We all have our secrets.' He doesn't respond. 'What has she told you?'

'Quinn offered her soul in exchange for Sejuani's. The deal collapsed when Valor asserted a prior claim. Apparently, the bird is an avatar for something.'

I take a swig of wine. 'She's been chosen, while we languish in her shadow.'

'Perhaps. We can't assume Valor's intent.' I smell a job for Lux. 'Moving on, Volibear defeated Kalista with the help of Karthus, another wrinkle in our tale. The Deathsinger is hardly known for his beneficence, yet he favours you.'

'Not a pleasant thought.'

'You should watch your tread. Few people survive his attention for long. Your people may be at risk.'

'What are you implying? I have no control over what he does.' My glass is already half-empty. 'Granted, I've many vices but necromancy isn't one of them.'

'We know. Luxanna swept your palace.' You smug bastard, I swear I'm going to throttle that girl. 'After Kalista fell, Captain Fortune used Volibear's regeneration to fuel your escape. He made a full recovery and upheld her decision.'

'You've spoken to him.'

'We were impressed with his character. No doubt, we would be cursing his name had we merged our forces.'

'You must be so grateful that I slept with Quinn.'

Jarvan doesn't bite. 'Volibear confirmed one detail. Your tribes are bitterly opposed, regardless of your entente with Sejuani.'

'My proposal to you was in good faith. I told you that she was intransigent, and her people doubly so. They left me no choice.'

'Lest we forget, you had given us cause to suspect your narrative.'

'How? I dwell on my faults as much as anyone but I could be the worst human being and it would not…' I feel sick. 'It would not change...' With one frantic gulp, I finish my drink. All is vanity. Nothing you are matters. The phrases churn within my stomach. I don't know whether I believe them, but I can't swallow them.

'I think you've drank enough, Ashe. Pass me the bottle.'

I blink. How did it get into my hand? 'Is that an order?'

'No, but Quinn wouldn't forgive me for letting you do this.'

Avarosa, he's a manipulative swine. 'Oh, she gets me drunk when it suits her. Believe me.' I nearly throw the bottle at his head.

He doesn't comment, either unwilling or unable to defend Quinn's honour. 'You resumed your… dalliance with the understanding it was temporary.'

'Dalliance is too small a word, and I'll always be fond of Quinn.' I submerge my hostility in kinder memories. 'But you're superficially correct.'

Fury colours Jarvan's neck. 'You claim to be fond of her? Then why let Quinn squander her virtue? She has little else to her name!'

'If your country dealt her a poor hand, shouldn't you right the balance?'

'My power is not absolute. I have to consider my father, hostile nobles and salacious rumours when I put forth her case. You've injured her prospects, immeasurably. How can I prepare Quinn for public life when tales of debauchery shadow her?'

'They will come regardless, and she would have strayed, sooner or later. Perhaps I was just convenient.' I feel as if I'm digesting a stone.

'You had age and authority over her. Don't think you can drop your charge so readily.'

'My behaviour was irresponsible, and Quinn is her own woman with her own drives. Both of these things are true.' The conclusion brings me no joy. Where can you go from it?

'She was born to lead, not follow.' Jarvan clasps his hands before his chin. 'But there is one drive which eludes me.'

'You've spoken to her. Did you not like her answer?'

'No, something's missing. I had my suspicions and Volibear confirmed them, but I fear only you can reveal the thread.'

'How unfortunate.'

Is he smiling? 'You're naïve to assume you're the worst person I must indulge.' He continues. 'When Kalista laid out her terms, Quinn offered herself in place of you or Volibear.'

'She did. Volibear and I were too busy arguing. We should have paid more attention.'

'Yes, if Quinn's plan had worked, she would have been lost forever.'

'Bound to vengeance, never to know love or rest, a fate worse than oblivion.'

Jarvan lets the gravity of Quinn's choice echo through the silence. 'Why would she choose it?'

'What reason did she give?'

He says with no twist of sarcasm. 'Her sacrifice would bring peace to the north and our countries would usher in a new golden age.'

I wonder if Quinn left out the "two women ruling as a beacon of hope" angle or if Jarvan's too scornful to mention it. 'I long for that as much as anyone but I may not fulfil her promise. There are too many bridges to cross.'

'Did you tell Quinn otherwise?'

'No, but even if I tried to mislead her, Volibear's opposition is all too plain.'

'Which leaves two possibilities. Either Quinn was blinded by her own zeal…' His voice wavers. 'Or she was taking her own life.'

'Yes.'

Jarvan stares at the floor. He wants to blame me for this. Publicly, he may still do. 'Why?'

'She saw no future where she could be herself.'

'Quinn told me that all she wanted was to serve Demacia. I expect everyone to have private lives, but I sincerely thought her duty was reason enough to live.'

'I don't think you were wrong. She likely found service a welcome distraction from her loneliness… until she met me.'

'Are you claiming responsibility for this?'

'Not in the way you think. She's a little obsessed with me but… I think it will pass.' My eyes grow warm. 'If anything, I'll be the one dreaming of her.'

Jarvan betrays no sympathy. 'So how did you change her path? Did you raise her expectations?'

'Do you think she'd aspire to my furtive existence? I'm a cautionary tale if anything.' It's time to put Sejuani's theory to the test. 'What should Quinn expect? What are your intentions towards her?'

Jarvan glances towards the door. He lowers his voice. 'I guess there's no point hiding it. You're a perceptive woman. For once, you live up to your reputation.'

'Thank you but someone else worked it out. I might introduce you, one day.'

'So long as you didn't hear it from Luxanna… but yes, Quinn was marked as a potential bride. The reasons were manifold. I'm sure you don't need to hear them.'

'I guess learning that she preferred women was devastating.'

'It was.'

I'm surprised by his blunt answer. 'Do you love her?'

Jarvan stammers, just a little. 'We have different expectations of that word, Ashe. I love Demacia, and I would love her queen.'

For the first time, I feel sorry for him. 'Well, Quinn's easy to love. You can be sure of that.'

'I'll be generous and assume you're not slighting her virtue.'

My pity vanishes. 'Thank you, but remember virtue is cheap when all your needs are met.'

'We could snipe all day but it would achieve nothing.' Fine, don't admit I have a point. 'So you told Quinn your suspicions?'

'I did, but I presented your marriage as an opportunity, not a threat. I emphasised what good she might achieve, but it was a mistake. I pushed her over the edge.'

'I see.' Jarvan studies his hand, as though contemplating an absent ring. 'To know that she would sooner face death than… it is a humbling thought. I would not require love, or even friendship, so long as she could lead our people and supply an heir. That would be all.'

'Do you still consider her a potential queen?'

'Certainly. She's willing to die for a better world, and her loyalties are now plain.'

I'm surprised enough that I have to press Jarvan on the subject. 'You're not worried about them?'

'Every knight answers to more than one call. Many would put their children before their country, despite their vows.' I hear a trace of bitterness. 'Quinn would also defy me to voice the concerns of the peasantry, but if they're not represented, we risk losing them to darker forces.'

'You seek a loyal opposition to consolidate your power.'

'Correct. I don't retain lickspittles. Quinn, Luxanna, Garen, Shyvana, and even Xin Zhao have all raised their voices to me. So long as it's behind closed doors and in good faith, I welcome it. Other perspectives might save me from defeat or damnation.'

If only Sejuani, Volibear and I could survive that process. 'What happens now? Quinn deserves to know your intent.'

'I'll tell Quinn, so long as Demacia has need of heroes, I'll have need of her. She may serve in whatever capacity she chooses.'

I nearly hug him in gratitude, but Quinn deserves more than the bare minimum. 'What if she chooses to start a family with another woman?'

'Ashe, if you can't impose acceptance on a country that you're essentially founding, what am I to do? Perhaps I'd entertain your criticism if you'd sought Quinn as a wife but you've been entirely selfish.'

I catch my breath. Does that mean Jarvan would have let Quinn go to be my…? No, I must forget that possibility. 'This goes beyond my failings. You'll risk losing her again if she can't dream.'

Jarvan grapples with my warning. 'Once, we lost a promising leader to similar passions. Taric found redemption without us but, after Quinn's escape, I suspect the fates will not allow us a third lapse.' He tents his fingers. 'I can promise little, Ashe. Until mores change, the best I can do is turn a blind eye to her activities. Perversely, hiding them will be simple if we marry. Then we can retain her companions as bodyguards or ladies-in-waiting. Also, if she…' Jarvan grimaces. 'Entertains women, we can be sure any offspring are of my blood.'

I push him. 'Living in secret won't end well.'

'Here, they'll burn her as a witch. I can't openly defend her. Politics aside, I'm uncomfortable with her deviance.' I scowl. 'And it will show. Quinn deserves a better advocate. I'll do what I can but if it isn't enough by your measure then I must fall short.'

'As long as you don't abandon her, she'll change your mind about us.'

'I can believe that.' He thaws a little. 'After all, your misguided affair saved lives. Instead of conquest, we've aided collaboration. It is a small and fragile gain, but with enough progress, you might achieve your goal of a united Freljord.'

'I tell myself that. Unfortunately, Volibear was not impressed with me, and he may be the true crux of our nation.'

'Volibear may not like you, but he co-operates regardless. He could have told us anything this morning and we'd have taken his word over yours. Whatever your sins, you've earnt loyalty without friendship. That is a powerful thing, Ashe, and it may carry you farther than his affections ever will.'

Quinn and Volibear must have held their tongues about the depth of my entanglement with Sejuani. Jarvan doesn't appreciate Volibear is bound against his will. 'Believe me. His discretion is a bad omen. I fear he's disengaging.'

'You know him better than I do.'

The conversation lulls. I think this is a natural ending. 'So... can we part on good terms? I don't expect your country's aid anymore, but I hope we can begin again, one day.'

'The past remains,' Jarvan says. 'You've insulted Demacia by concealing your nature, blackmailing us and seducing a potential queen, but you shone a light into some dark places and I've learnt enough that I won't seek restitution.'

'Thank you. That is remarkably generous.'

'To be frank, I have no choice. Your tribe is the bulwark, Ashe. Weakening you would only imperil Demacia.' He must also want to stay in Quinn's good books. 'Resolve your feud with the Winter's Claw then we'll discuss the Watchers. Until then we'll keep our distance.'

'That's fair. Look after Quinn for me.'

'I will. To that end, we'll keep you separate.'

'Oh… I would have liked a chance to say goodbye.'

'Your love was an earthquake, and we're still feeling its echoes. Once they disperse, the two of you may salvage what you can.'

I protest. 'Assuming we're both still alive. You don't appreciate how scarce our chances are.'

'Maybe not,' he says. 'But I can't afford any further disruption.'

'You'll excuse me if I don't thank you for this… but I will thank you for using the word "love" instead of "deviance". It's a bigger step forward than you know.'

Something flickers in Jarvan's gaze. 'It is… impossible to hear Quinn speak of you and use any other.'

I'm stunned 'She…' My body convulses. I'm sobbing loudly. 'She has to forget me. This has to end, even if it hurts.' Endings always hurt, even… especially for stories that should never be.

Jarvan has nothing. I've tested the limits of his empathy. Words of comfort are difficult for the man, but impossible for the prince. 'We'll organise your departure for the Freljord. Weep while you can. Your people need you strong.'

'Look after Quinn,' I blubber.

He closes the door behind him.