Faith – Chapter 19

The humidity crushes my will. My pack is already chafing. Volibear stews nearby, actively ignoring me.

I risk an opening. 'I'll be glad when we're home.'

'What is home, Ashe? Your Freljord is a myth and I've betrayed everyone except you.' He turns away, finishing our conversation.

We're cooking on a stony hillock, opposite a goods entrance to the Citadel of Dawn. Xin Zhao had led us outside and rattled away with a curt, if pleasant, farewell. Apparently, there's an escort on its way but why Jarvan's left us without supervision is anyone's guess. It feels eerie, like we're being offered enough rope to hang ourselves. Maybe he's giving us a chance to bolt so he needn't waste anyone's time.

Just as I'm running out of patience, a familiar screech turns my head. Am I hearing things? Am I that lovesick?

Volibear also reacts. 'What is Jarvan playing at?'

Valor circles above. A woman calls out, 'Oh, His Majesty's only responsible for half of this.'

Even after all this time, I struggle to recognise Quinn's voice. That ordinary cadence, too shy to boast an accent, could furnish any commoner's lips, which has always been part of Quinn's charm.

Her red hair is cut short and high. She's exchanged her bodice for a leather crop top, lined with white fur. Below, her taut abdomen glistens. After trying on Sarah's come-hither swish, Quinn's embraced her own primal, androgynous allure.

Quinn laughs. 'Come on. Tell me what you think. I'm dying here.'

Volibear answers while I gawk in open lust. 'You look like a true warrior of the Freljord.'

'Thank you. Perhaps I took inspiration from the loveliest woman I know.' She winks.

I say, 'Quinn, you're magnificent! I can't look away! My knees are trembling.'

'Are you saying I should haul you back?' She looks wistful. 'Sorry, Volibear, I didn't come to steal Ashe.' He grunts. 'I'd love nothing more than to escort you but only Valor has that privilege.' She watches him with equal parts envy and affection. 'Jarvan's little indulgence.'

'Maybe that's for the… Wait, you called him "Jarvan"?'

'I did?' She scratches her nose. 'Yeah, we spoke at length. I don't think I'd ever seen him so vulnerable. He… you know, don't you? He spoke to you first.'

I don't want to hear this. 'Did he ask you to marry him?'

'Sort of?' We can't look at each other. 'He laid it on thick, said I was chosen by providence, that I bore the heart and soul of a queen.'

'You do.'

'Please don't say that! I don't want to believe it and you convinced me I was attractive.' She touches her waist. 'You're dangerous.'

I don't return her smile. 'I am.'

'We both are. Jarvan said it was a virtue, that I'd force his hand if needed.'

'You don't sound convinced.'

'Eh… I don't have that much faith in my judgement, only my taste in women.'

Volibear speaks up. 'Faith can wax or wane, provided you fight when called.'

Resolve lights up Quinn's face. 'I think I can do that.'

'As do I,' says Volibear.

My mouth is dry as I force the question. 'Did you accept?'

'Erm…' Quinn shuffles. 'Well, I'm under no pressure. Jarvan insisted I could serve as a knight instead, and regardless of what I choose, I have…' She can barely speak through her grin. 'Permission to keep a lover.'

The dawn rises on Demacia. 'That is wonderful!'

'Yeah, the only drawback is that Lux has to vet them first.'

'Oh, that's awkward.' Lux had tried to position herself as a gatekeeper to Quinn's happiness. Now it's official.

Quinn sighs. 'You're telling me. Hopefully she'll grow bored of the job, like everything.'

After a short pause, I ask, a little firmer than intended, 'Are you going to accept?'

'I… don't know.' She knows the wrong answer might hurt me. 'Nothing seems real but I took your advice and thought about what I'd want. I proposed a few changes and, amazingly, Jarvan listened.'

'You sound surprised.'

'Oh, he's not ignorant. He pays attention to everyone. I just didn't expect him to suffer any demands. After all, he's offered me the greatest honour he can bestow, and I looked it right in the mouth. It's hard not to feel ungrateful.'

'Don't feel ungrateful. He's proposing an alliance from which he stands to gain.'

She waggles her eyebrows. 'Well, you'll be glad to know I dug in my heels and lectured him for over an hour.'

'That's wonderful!'

'Aren't I? He served abroad with the military and had little exposure to peasant life. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but he seemed appreciative. He did warn me that progress would be slow as erm… "decrees are dangerous".'

'He'll have nobles and merchants who'll make his life difficult if he acts without them.' For now, all I have to worry about is Tryndamere, who gladly follows my lead. I should count my blessings more often.

'I'd rather he took us labourers into account.' She folds her arms. 'You know? The people who built Demacia? That was one thing. Also, I… heavens above, I can't believe I said this.'

'Go on?'

'I told him if I have to provide an heir, we have to make sure I can do so before marriage. I don't want to go through the ceremony to let everyone down.'

Against my will, I picture her on top, ordering Jarvan about. 'Oh my, how did that go down?'

'About as well as you'd think. He was totally scandalised, red as a beetroot! After that, I had an easy time calling him "Jarvan".'

So he's a virgin? I thought all noble men were hypocrites about sex. I'm unsure if I have more or less respect for him. 'I'll remember that when we have to negotiate again. Did he…?'

'No. He grumbled about fulfilling his duty then changed the subject. I'm waiting for his answer. He has to decide whether I'm worth his honour before I consider his proposal. The pressure's on him as much as me. Thank you, Ashe. I owe that one to you.'

'Not at all, Quinn. Your strength is your own.'

Volibear comes between us. Without a word, he directs Quinn's gaze to his own. Lightning crackles. I feel my hair lift as the charge intensifies. A flash turns Volibear's head, like a slap from a yeti. He blinks as the air clears. 'You are powerful, Quinn. Your trials have tempered your soul.'

She says, 'I don't fully understand what you're seeing but I feel stronger.'

'They nearly destroyed you but you've risen like a phoenix.' He looks at Sejuani's vessel. 'I have one question. Is your life better for meeting Ashe?'

Quinn glitters. 'I now have a future, not as a quiet servant but as me. And regardless of what happens, I have wonderful memories to hold at night.' A blush colours her neck. 'So yes, my life is better.'

'That is all.' He kneels and takes Quinn's hand. 'You risked all for my beloved. Your courage exceeds that of our greatest warriors. The Winter's Claw and Ursine would accept you with open arms.'

'You don't think Sejuani would skewer me like a pig?'

'Oh no, she loves pigs.' A brief chuckle softens Volibear's decorum. 'I can't say how she'd react, frostily perhaps. I still believe an exchange would enlighten you both.'

'After spending so much time with you and Ashe, I've lost all sight of her. Rumours painted a scary picture. Now, she's become a blur.'

I say, 'That is closer to the truth. I don't think of her as one Sejuani. She's a broken web of dissimilar, gorgeous patterns. I can reach out and sometimes draw them together but I'm unsure if they truly belong.'

Volibear nods in agreement. 'Sejuani is a storm unto herself.'

Quinn rubs the back of her head. It must feel fuzzy where the hair's been shaved. 'I'm even more confused. I'll meet her one day, if only to apologise for sleeping with her woman, but I'll give her space for now. Demacia will thank me for letting her wounds heal. A war with one country is bad enough.'

'Don't wait forever,' says Volibear. 'Human lives are brief and Sejuani will wish to express her gratitude, even if it pains her.'

Quinn says with innocent curiosity, '"Human" lives? Do you live that much longer than us?'

'We are harder to kill,' says Volibear. His grey fur shimmers like a veil. Anivia described the Ursine as having "no thread". We have conflicting reports on their society, numbers and life expectancies. Nobody seems to know Volibear's age. His regeneration only deepens that mystery.

'I can believe that,' says Quinn. 'I'm sorry that I wasn't open with you from the start.'

'Ashe leads everyone astray. The fault lies with her but thank you nonetheless.'

Quinn pleads with upturned eyes. 'Do you think you'll ever get on?'

Volibear hesitates. 'I'd rather not disappoint you.'

'She let me be human. It almost killed me, but I wouldn't lose that for the world. And she could let others be human, even your Sejuani.' Volibear flinches. I can't say if Quinn's overstepped her bounds, or delivered a revelation. 'Yes, I know first-hand what draws people to Ashe.'

Volibear's hind claws dig into the soil. 'The desire to fall as much as live.'

'Maybe… to fall is to be human?'

'I doubt it,' he says, the hint of a smile tempering his answer, 'But I am not human.'

'Either way, I know you'll be just.' She turns to me. 'What else is there to say, my queen?'

'I may be calling you that soon.'

'Don't.' She closes the distance. 'You were my first love, and if you prove my last, I'll consider my life well-lived.'

'You have everything ahead of you, my lynx.'

'You'll be a tough act to follow.' Words fail us until she crushes me in a strong embrace. I lay my head upon her soft, fluffy pauldron and run my hands up her back. She smells clean for once and I'm staining her with my tears. 'Look after yourself. You may feel the world is on your shoulders but we'll be fine. I'll be fine.'

'Part of me doesn't want you to be fine.'

She giggles. 'I know. If it makes you feel any better, I'll be crying myself to sleep all week.'

'Only a week?'

'Is a month enough?' She strokes my hair. 'What about forever?' she whispers.

'No!' My snuffles grow louder. 'Not forever, that would make me sad.'

'All right.' She kisses my cheek. 'I have one condition.'

'What?'

'If you lose everything…' She draws back and seizes my head, forcing me to look into her golden eyes. 'Run away. Come to Demacia.'

My defiance returns. 'Quinn, I can't abandon my people!'

'I know. The shame of desertion would kill me too, so I can't ask you to run as a favour, but…'

'You can ask it as payment for rescuing Sejuani?'

She nods. Whichever I choose, I'm a villain. Do I scorn Quinn's heroic sacrifice or leave my people in their final hour? Volibear says, 'Ashe, we've been here before.'

'How so?'

'Recall, you gave me a choice. Abandon my cub or cross enemy lines. I chose the latter.'

'Yes, now you get to watch me squirm,' I say. Volibear doesn't express any pleasure at my discomfort. 'Why did you follow me?'

'I knew my sleuth would endure my absence but I couldn't endure without Sejuani.'

'I see… then I should leave you in peace, Quinn. You'll soar higher without my cloud in your sky.'

She laughs. 'Just like you to hear the wrong lesson. I'll be fine, I'm sure. This is about you.' She runs a hand through my hair. 'Maybe you'll face defeat in love and war but you still deserve a life. Others will fight your cause if it is just. Heroes will rise, and you can rest with your regrets, your failures… and with me.'

Volibear says with grim humour. 'Should you fail, skalds will sing of "Queen Ashe, the coward", rather than "Queen Ashe, the martyr". That seems like an apt legacy.'

'Maybe it is.' The sun breaks through and shines everywhere but me. 'Then someone better could unite the Freljord. Who knows? Maybe the tribes will do it without a leader. My debt would have more bearing than my reputation.'

Quinn says, 'And I would help you find peace.'

'If anyone could, it would be you.' I close my eyes and breathe my promise. 'Quinn, if I lose everything, I will try to live.'

'And I will do the same.' She kisses me with the slow rhythm of waves lapping against a quiet shore. My feet leave the ground. For a moment I'm weightless, untangled from everything except one woman's love and care.

For the first time in years, I feel young. A quaking void yawns within, waiting to be filled with experience. I'm scared. I had never imagined a life apart from destiny. My vision clears. Below the twin peaks of triumph and failure stretches an eternal marsh. I can descend and walk through the lilies and reeds. I can touch infinity.

Quinn lets go, her voice ragged with emotion. 'I should leave now, before Jarvan finds out. I'm supposed to be with Lux in case I'm infested with dark magic or something.'

I jump on the chance to lighten our farewell. 'So you're trapped in a room with her? She must love that.'

'She does.' Quinn rolls her eyes. 'But I shouldn't complain. She let me come and see you.'

'Aw, she's not all bad. You'll have to give her my thanks.' I shrug off my backpack and rummage for her gift. 'Along with this.'

'Oh no, you didn't!' I produce the grey rose from Karthus' garden, crushed flat but as defiant as the lich himself. 'I told you not to pick any flowers!'

'I'm a naughty girl.' I press the rose to her breastbone. 'Take it. You can find your own happiness.'

'With Lux? Are you mad?'

'With or without, she'll make a strong ally.' Quinn stubbornly balls her fist as my free hand skates down her arm. 'Besides, if you consider her dangerous, you should keep her close.'

'By tangling myself up in her schemes?'

'Or her body. There's a lot of power to be gained from both, and you'll need every advantage.' I tug at her wrist, guiding her hand to the flower. 'Lux is brilliant enough that Runeterra may fall to her, and she's opened up to you. For the sake of Demacia, leap on this chance.'

Quinn screws up her eyes. 'I can't make a decision now but… answer one question for me. Forget all the politics. What do you think of Lux as a person?'

'I'm jealous of her youth, intelligence and audacity but I think she's lonely.'

'She gets around enough.' Quinn pouts. 'Any pretty boys who stumble into Demacia, stumble into her bed.'

'I was promiscuous when I was younger but I made few connections. With every girl, I affirmed our shared humanity then cast it aside until you broke the cycle.'

'You're just saying…'

'No, you're that special. Without you, I might have languished in denial forever. Lux recognises that. I suspect she plays games because everyone else does, and she's righteous enough to see through them. Help her to throw light on the world and you may be her salvation, as you were mine.'

We're almost there. Quinn touches the rose. 'I don't think she's evil but living in secret has jaded her. She'll get worse if she's left alone.'

'Yes.'

With a loud whistle, Quinn summons Valor. He thrusts his large head between us, ruining our moment. 'Val, could you take this rose for me? Keep it safe until I ask for it back.'

He takes the flower as though judging its edibility. I feel anxious. 'Will he be careful?'

Valor scolds me with a narrow look, while Quinn strokes his neck. 'Yeah, I trust him as much as anybody. He may goof around but he always comes through.' Valor clicks his tongue at me then flies away. 'So this is goodbye then?'

'I think so.'

'Give the Freljord my love. We'll meet again, I'm sure, but until then, be happy… and…' she hiccups. A tear rolls down her face. 'Please don't forget me.'

'Death itself couldn't rip your name from my heart, Sir Quinn.'

'Or yours from mine. Farewell, Ashe, my northern star.'

As we depart, I walk backwards, returning Quinn's wave. My foot hits a rock and I nearly fall. I see Quinn laugh kindly as I regain my balance. I can't walk backwards forever. Giving up, I finally turn.

Grief courses through me, noisy and undignified. I mew like a housecat as my chest spasms. When we reach the crest of the hill, I'm doubled over in pain. I give one last wave to Quinn, who's little more than a flame-haired speck, then I cut the cord and vanish over the horizon.

I'm sorry, Sejuani. I wish I could see you and you alone. I wish I didn't love every desirable woman who showed me kindness… or weakness. I wish you could accept your jealousy. I wish your toxic upbringing didn't insist I fulfil some "alpha female" role and fuck everything in sight, including your boundaries.

I wish my lust were as foul and untroubled as that ideal. I wish I weren't weeping over Quinn, dousing your desire with my snot. I wish it weren't inevitable that, one day, I'll say her name in your bed.

I wish I were more than Ashe and less than your goddess.

I wish I were dead.

No, I want more than death. I wish I were nothing.

I could walk into the plains. I could fade, leave no trace.

A claw brushes my shoulder. 'Keep walking.'

I hear no comfort or threat, a simple directive. I look up at Volibear. He gazes ahead, as always.

'Love is a verb, Ashe.' The words repeat as though confirmed by the wind. 'Love is a verb. Your passions will change with the storm. Bolts of ardour will scar your landscape. So long as you feed your cubs, listen to their fears, and walk with them through the shadows, you love. Your actions, not your feelings, reveal the depths of your care. Don't fade away. Keep walking.'

'Was I thinking out loud?'

'Perhaps. I sometimes forget where my hearing ends and my visions begin.'

'Oh…' Should I feel embarrassed? As I become aware, logical thoughts rise through my self-hatred. 'I wouldn't be here without my feelings. Your guidance is practical but…'

'You don't have to believe it. All you have to do is keep… on… walking.' Volibear sounds as though he's crawling across an ocean bed. 'Away from Quinn, away from temptation, back…' He swallows the word "home".

'Don't say it.' I look at my feet. 'I don't want your acceptance, or Sejuani's really, but I'll see this through to the end.'

'There is no end, Ashe. The road is our final destination,' he says. 'For too long, I prayed otherwise. I watched and listened for the means to banish you from Sejuani's life, or a reason to step aside and allow her the risk of loving you.'

'How did you not reach a verdict? I've disgraced everyone.'

'You have.' The confirmation drops like an axe. 'You're impulsive, craven, dishonest, self-absorbed, arrogant, irresponsible, manipulative and senseless… and a better person would have lost one of us to Kalista. Because you were foolish enough to lay Quinn, we triumphed without loss. I can't ignore that. You fought an ugly campaign and won. You damned yourself while I… fretted over breaking a nail.' He recalls his words at the start of our journey.

'Destiny might have intervened regardless.' I don't want him to justify my behaviour. Who else will protect Sejuani when she does the same?

'There is no destiny. Time isn't an arrow but a…' Volibear pauses. 'Time isn't an arrow.' He slows to a stop.

Anticipation grows. Where is this going? 'Volibear?'

He peers at me. 'Do you believe in your claim? Are you the descendant of Queen Avarosa?'

'There's no proof. Our genealogy goes back less than a century, but I can feel her watching over me. Her statues and cities were my home when I was young and lost. She gave me her bow and arrows. The Freljordian winter soothes me like a hearth. I guess my blood is little more than water but I feel Iceborn.'

'I believe you,' he says, 'But we're missing something.'

'What?'

'Avarosa led through harmony while you sow chaos wherever you may roam. You tear people inside-out.' Volibear's deposition batters me like a hailstorm. 'Sejuani fought every moment of her life only to seek loss at your hand. I shed my fur to become an overprotective parent. With a marriage of convenience, you domesticated a vessel of undying rage. Karthus, the death-worshipper, struck a blow for the living. Vengeance broke upon our shield. Finally, Quinn chose to risk her life then her soul rather than serve Demacia. Luckily for her, Jarvan proved subtle, which I'm laying at your feet as well.'

My head spins. 'People are complex, Volibear. Yes, my goal is to let them be more than fighters or slaves but I can't accept all credit.'

'You claim everything is your fault until someone agrees. No. This time, you're following your premise to its conclusion. I don't think these are coincidences. There are too many to dismiss. I believe you're descended from an Iceborn, Ashe… but it isn't Avarosa.'

He's wrong. I can feel her unseen arms. I know my fantasies are wild and raw but I can feel her so much! Avarosa was all I had. My birth mother was a traditional chieftain, a less complicated Sejuani, but Avarosa knew me.

Trusting in a love that endured through my sins, I deny Volibear. 'No, she's here! Aren't you a shaman? Your glowing eyes must see her.' They give nothing away. 'Don't you dare claim otherwise, because I can feel Avarosa like the ground beneath my feet.'

'Avalanches claim dozens each year… but you're not wrong. She saturates everything like one of your sickly perfumes.'

'Then why question it? What's the point of this?'

'What do you think was Avarosa's biggest regret?'

'How would I know? She tells me little of herself. The stories are all we…'

'Then go by the stories.'

I could ask her but she's rarely been direct. Where should I begin? She was an Iceborn queen but a person like any of us. Go with something obvious, domestic…

Oh no.

Volibear notices my dithering. 'Say it.'

'She died without making up with her little sister. They'd fought Lissandra together but…'

'Would you linger for generations because of that?'

'Yes.'

'And what would you do?'

Maternal anguish warms my body like a fever. I call out, 'Avarosa!'

I failed her.

'Failed Serylda? But she abandoned you!'

She was young. She needed room to grow. But I caged her to preserve our legacy. My walls became our tomb.

'She carried on fighting while you protected others. You protected me. Think of all the children who found solace in your achievements, who could be themselves without fear!'

The fear stayed with me, festered and overflowed upon my death. You've seen our graveyards. I failed all my children but especially her, my darling Serylda, the first failure from which all my pain blossomed.

'You can't accept responsibility for those marshalled against you!' My voice cracks. 'This is madness. Am I bringing ruin to the Freljord? Should I…'

No! Never give up. You carry the spark of creation in your blood. Yes, the fear guides you but your heart rebels. You are not me. Take pride.

'So, Volibear was right? I'm not your descendant?'

You are my child in many ways but not all of them, which is a blessing.

'What?'

I'll speak no more. Feel my love. My regrets are merely poison.

'Avarosa, tell me!'

Her tenderness remains, draped over my shoulders like a heavy cloak. I wear so many layers, hair, skin and bone. I knew this body, once. I thought it was mine.

Volibear respects the silence until I break it. 'She didn't answer. For ten years, I persevered without evidence. Yet…'

'Your faith has been tested, as you tested mine.'

'Did it survive?'

'Barely. It hangs by a single thread.'

I wait in hope. 'Yes?'

'I saw Quinn grow strong in your fire,' he says quietly. 'Maybe Sejuani could as well.' Before I concur, his voice darkens. 'But even if she does, I can't forgive you for burning her. The conflict between those two judgements may never end. I need rest, which I never craved until you entered Sejuani's life. You sow discord at a deeper level than thought or flesh. You divide souls. Whether or not you're of Serylda's blood, you're a true scion of war.'

'So the Freljord will never know peace under my rule. Should I just… walk away?'

'No, because peace without resolution is torment. I'll not damn Sejuani to chasing your shadow. Better that she confront you.'

'Then we'll keep arguing and fighting… forever?' My vision blurs. 'These grey skies. They never clear, never grow dark or blue. Should I have expected anything else? I thought uniting our extremes, black and white, would form a beautiful rainbow, not endless, miserable grey.' Lifting a strange hand, I brush away my strange tears. 'I'm sorry for everything, Volibear.'

'Don't apologise. Keep walking.'

'You beautiful man, why can't I be like you?'

'Because I'm irrelevant. You still matter, for good or ill.'

'You still matter. She loves you.'

'She must surpass me, as must you…' He sounds like a ghost releasing all cares before passing. 'As must you. Stop seeking my approval. Stand on your own. Keep walking.'

My boots gather dew, moss and soil. Unseen layers of pollen slow my heavy, swinging arms. Cloudy thoughts amass until my chin touches my clavicle. I beg for the chip, chip, chip of age to hollow my skull, to displace regret with bewildering fear. The void looms. I don't walk. I fall forwards. I fall forwards.

'Ashe?'

I fall.

'Ashe?'

Every mistake, another step. I'm walking. As long as I can walk, everything will be fine. You have more power than I do, my people, my love. The land rises to the setting sun.

'Ashe, wake up!'

I can do this, I think.