Reprise – Chapter 5

I'm back. For a terrible instant, I process two lifetimes of pain and loss. I claw for air I no longer need until spectral hands restore my poise, bracing me against the pull of time.

Lux yells, 'Keep it together, Ashe! You have to listen to me.' Her shrill voice is dry with panic.

'I can't let Sejuani die! I can't… I can't go forward, even if it is possible.'

'Shut up, you bimbo! You think she won't die of a broken heart without you?' Lux's eyes have disappeared, leaving inky pools of nothing. 'We're breaking this cycle. The first vision is one of your possible futures, and you never let fear of failure stop you before.'

'Yes...' My figure stabilises. 'For better or worse, I let nothing stop me.'

Zilean speaks up. 'If I may, the vision is one of your possible pasts. If you fear Sejuani's downfall, know it has already happened. You may be trapped in this cycle but, each time, life goes on.'

Lux says, 'Right-right, so there's no excuse to dilly-dally.' She pulls out a notebook and a pencil. 'A good spymaster always keeps these to hand.' She scribbles and her mouth contorts with each stroke. 'We have proof your disease can be cured, and I think I know how. There's a fallen celestial, Soraka, who hovers around Zaun, caring for the sick. She doesn't keep a low profile, so Quinn and I can track her down easy and point her in your direction.'

'You can't involve Quinn again!'

'Tsk, don't be cruel. This is well within our abilities and she loves being a girl-scout.' Lux stabs into the parchment. 'Right, I'm going to hook this note on Volibear's claw. All er… future-past-whatever-you has to do is get another rose, and other-me will find this note and save you. Mwahaha, I'm so good.'

I cringe at her enthusiasm. 'Why are you doing this? Is it out of the goodness of your heart?'

She fixes me with her hollow eyes. 'Of course, plum-pudding, is it that hard to believe?'

'I didn't mean it like…'

'Don't lie to me, bitch.' Her power flashes and I glimpse her bones. 'You guessed right. Something happens, and I suspect you and Quinn are the only ones who might help me, so I need you alive.' She wipes away her makeup, revealing damage from acne, chemicals and stress. Her forehead seems to grow. She doesn't dye her hair. She wears a wig. 'The light is a harsh mistress, and so am I. All I ever wanted was to be good, Ashe, but as the light exposes all, I have to settle for being right.'

'For many years, I tried the same. You don't have to be good. You can't always be right.' I call out, as if to myself. 'I'm sorry the world doesn't accept you for who you are. I'm sorry you don't accept yourself.'

Her arms hang loosely by her side as they dissolve into stardust. 'I knew you'd get it. I wasn't wrong to look up to you. I just did so for the wrong reasons.' Her jaw hinges open, stretching into a banshee's wail. 'Perhaps, one day, I'll face myself as you did, but Runeterra may not survive the consequences.'

'We will. Believe in us.'

'Easier said than done when you're all so dumb.' She cackles then disappears.

The whirlpool of time rages. My obligations anchor me like a stone. I have to address Karthus and Zilean. 'Will this be the last time? If we're old friends, I owe you a better farewell.'

Zilean says, 'You owe us nothing but I've always enjoyed your visits. I'm honoured that you consider us friends.'

With a small, sincere bow, Karthus adds, 'For once, the old fool speaks for us both. Your progress was inevitable. Death abhors a closed loop, yet I mourn its passing.'

I say, 'We'll meet again, if Lux has anything to do with it.'

'She's a dangerous being. If her resentment's unleashed, you will come around to my way of thinking soon enough.' Karthus flinches. An unseen wind ruffles his cloak. 'You've seen how much her power illuminates. Imagine all those potentialities behind one set of mortal eyes.'

Zilean adds, 'I have clouded sight which renders the timeline as a series of dark, distant leaps. It keeps me sane. You've glimpsed what your acquaintance can, and she lacks your humility and focus.'

I'm panicking. 'What are we to do?'

Karthus says. 'Nothing. You will forget what you have seen, but it will linger in the quarter-light, influencing as before. There's a chance you've already performed your role by crossing her stage. You've clearly had an effect on the witch.'

As the tides roar, Zilean spirals upwards. 'Once you've seen the end of time, it's natural to broaden your horizons, but Runeterra will face many challenges, with and without you.'

He's not wrong. I should worry more about things closer to home. Lux has good people around her. 'That is true. Take care of Volibear for me.'

Karthus turns to the blood moon. 'He is… beyond our care, Ashe, but I suspect he heard you, somewhere within the endless clamour that sustains him. You are not easily forgotten.' He nods to me over his pauldron. 'As long as he fulfils this role, I will stand vigil.'

'As will I,' says Zilean.

Karthus groans like a bell tolling. 'Spoken like you have a choice.'

As I'm drawn back into the cycle, I shiver in anticipation of everything I'll face again… love, anguish and so many cruel mistakes. How has my soul endured all this without fracturing?

I guess it already has. I'm Ashe, the unwilling scion of war and lust.

With that one thought, I return to see this through.

I have memories. I'm unsure if they're from the past or the future.

The climate grounds me in the present. A frozen river marks the natural boundary between our lands.

Volibear opens his strongbox. Gingerly, I pick up the egg and say, 'This will change everything, won't it?'

'Maybe not for the better, or as much as you'd hope.'

The words fall upon my shoulder like a warning. 'It's hard to believe in a satisfying resolution after all we've been through… so why am I here?'

'Because we persisted,' says Volibear. 'Every answer begins with that.'

'Yes, Tryndamere's wisdom.' I have to smile. 'But if every answer begins with persistence, an ending is no answer at all. Yet here I am, looking for one.'

'We may turn a corner but I doubt this will end anything.'

'I may even put Sejuani in danger.' I shake my head. 'What was I thinking? We did all this for her sake, not for mine. You should return it.'

He sounds hesitant. 'She wants to see you, Ashe. You owe her restitution, and I have no wish to lie about your involvement. I have borne too many secrets as confessor to my sleuth and others. I am nearing my limit.'

I repeat his words back to him. 'You need rest, which you never craved until I entered Sejuani's life.'

'…Yes.'

'But you will not have it, regardless.'

'My divisions are not your concern.' He didn't appreciate me dredging up his weakness. 'Are you not worried for your own life? Is that why you're making excuses?'

'No, I think I'm past fear. I've died in countless ways over the last season.'

He struggles to maintain his opposition. 'I believe you.'

'She knows where to find me. If you and Sejuani think my deeds are worth acknowledgment, you can reveal them. I won't announce them before her people and force her hand.' I pass the egg back to Volibear. 'I'm tired of the chase. I've put her on her back, seduced others to rescue her and I have your forces in a chokehold. Within a few years, you'll be driven to the mountains. I'm already her brazen, bloodstained goddess of the hunt.' Each word pulses through my skull. 'If she wants more, then underneath her bluster is a princess who enjoys being pursued and ravished a little too much. I don't judge. I love every aspect of her but if she wants me to play along, she has to own it.'

Volibear says, 'None of this changes the fact our people are against you.'

'So what? Every material advantage is mine. Without her, the conquest will be smoother. Do you think I'd care half as much knowing she was out of harm's way?' I dare him. 'Even killing me now won't make any difference. Tryndamere and Anivia can finish what I started.'

'I'm not going to kill you, Ashe.'

'I know. You promised her. The point is you were wrong about my continued relevance. I matter only as much as you desire. The future is yours.' I exhale sharply. Somehow, I'm lighter, as if the flesh had melted off my trunk. I feel warm with excitement, or maybe I'm just raw from exposure to the cold. I throw off my cloak and welcome the assault. 'Go home, Volibear. Restore her. I'm going to stay a while and enjoy the scenery.'

'This is no man's land, a long flight from any shelter.' There's no scenery, he thinks, only a reflection of one's mind. 'You are planning to head back?'

'Enough plans, Volibear. It is time we lived.'

He hesitates. 'I… recognise this battle. Please, your journey is long enough. There will be plenty of time for contemplation. Don't risk your life to seek it.'

'Why not? I've risked everyone else.' I stride up to him. 'You know, Volibear. I've been wondering. Forget what I mean to Sejuani. Do you care about me?'

He sighs. 'We've shared enough that I have no choice.'

'You always had a choice.' I grab his arm. 'Free yourself.'

'We do not all share your capacity for change, young one.' He touches my arm in return. 'If it cannot be helped, I will return here after my journey and pray I do not find you.'

'Just allow me this chance. If I should live, I must do so with death's door, open wide. Everything that follows must follow that one decision or it is not life.'

His ageless fur shimmers. 'I understand. Your fate is your own but… I urge you to keep walking.'

As he did before. 'Send my love to Sejuani.'

'I will.'

Neither of us say goodbye.

Volibear advances into the white void, until he's no more than a speck of grit. Even as he crosses the horizon, he doesn't fully disappear. Something indelible remains, a disquieting vision of the trials awaiting him.

I am alone with the empty strongbox, a coffin for the being I was.

The compulsions, the burdens, were they ever real? The pull of duty, the push of my body. All this time, I could have walked away and few things would have changed. I might have left a few minor wounds in the flesh of history but they would have closed, leaving scars no different from others.

I've abandoned Sejuani to her own will. I don't have to go back to my people. They built "my" dream with their hands. I have the terrible freedom to wait here, forever. No force on Runeterra could move me. An avalanche could throw my skeleton from crown to chasm but these bones were never mine.

I turn my gaze to the frozen river. To think we saw a boundary in such an arbitrary smear. Tottering, I circle beneath the grey firmament. What is the label "sky" but a choke upon the cosmos?

Everything falls up. I cast off my destiny, throwing out my arms to embrace the future.

This is one ending of many.

But, for now, I have infinity.

THE END

Authors Note: Thank you for sticking with me. Writing this obscure, personal series was an incredible strain. I never thought when I jotted down the beginnings of Infinity that it would end up consuming this much of my life. I know the series has taken some dark turns along the way – and has little audience beyond myself – but I hope my issues have provided some gratification.

If anyone has any kind words, I'd greatly appreciate them. If you don't want to leave a public comment, my gmail account is ffwsubstance. Goodbye for now.