There is a bit of smut in this chapter for those who've been waiting ;)
(Blaines POV)
Blaine
2009
I don't know what was wrong with me. I should be focusing on fixing things with Sebastian and helping the Warblers prepare for next years sectionals. Instead, I'm focused on Kurt. I can't get him out of my head and, maybe I'm in denial over something but, I'm really not sure why!
Everywhere I go, I look for him. Even places I know he won't be.
Last week my dad took me to a football game, and I was looking for Kurt in every seat. Not Sebastian, Kurt. And I kissed him! Why would I do that?! I mean sure I was drunk, but I was still completely aware of what I was doing. I just felt this tiny impulse to do it and let myself feed on that impulse until it was strong enough and I knew I could blame it on the alcohol. That's not a good excuse though, I did a bad thing.
No wonder he pulled away too, he probably thought I was the biggest, two-timing whore on the planet. But you know what, Blaine, you are a slut. No I'm not, I was just behaving like one. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! Ugh, and how you threw yourself at him... I wanted to be able to punch myself in the face. How could I be so stupid? How was he still able to look me in the eye? He must be disgusted by my behavior. I've drank before, and never acted like that. Why would I let myself do that?!
I was so focused on my mistakes of Friday night that I struggled to walk through the Dalton hallways without bumping into people. I was walking slower than normal but who could blame me? I'm in crisis!
Sebastian has noticed me pulling away, I know he has, and he says he's going to work harder to make sure I'm happy, but it doesn't feel like anything other than promises. Words. Whether or not he means it is irrelevant, I don't love him, I love K-no. No.
I shook my head trying to reset my thoughts.
I really liked Sebastian when I met him, but recently I've been wondering why. We have very few similar interests and he wants to move way faster than I do. Bitch please, you asked Kurt to have sex with you multiple times. Yeah, But I was drunk. You knew what you were doing. And the worst part is, I woke up disappointed he'd said no.
Of course he said no, any decent person would, but I'm getting distracted. Lately I've been bringing every single thought back to Kurt, and I can't figure out why. I'm dating Sebastian, I should be thinking about him, right? But I think I only agreed to date him because I was so amazed that someone like him wanted to date me. I'd never had a boyfriend before and the idea of getting one was impossible to refuse. Plus he was so cool and adventurous and experienced and everything he did sounded so recklessly interesting and incredible. I thought building a relationship with him would make me like that too, but I just feel like a grandmother suggesting we not do things he wants to do, or quietly enduring the things I agree to.
And I don't think he's turning me into the person I want to be. I'm not any better version of myself when I'm with him. I don't like the way he judges people, and even when I'm doing it with him, I don't want to be doing it. I want to be encouraged to be a good or better person. I want to get drunk and know kissing other guys is wrong regardless of what I might want and I don't want to think, what would Sebastian do and do the wrong thing! And I don't want to give my mother a heart attack when I don't come home because we decided to sleep at the beach, or in the car, and I want to be the sort of person who does things I want to do and not what looks cool.
Why can't I watch soap operas? Sebastian says their gay, but so am I? And sometimes I like to drink girly things without anyone making comments or doing my nails, and taking care of myself. I mean, sure I don't do it to the same extent that Kurt does, but maybe that's because I don't give Kurt enough of my attention. Plus, Sebastian loves cars. I don't. I pretend to because I know about them but they are just a reminder of my fathers attempted home-conversion efforts because my mom refused to let him put me in an institution. Maybe I want to watch musicals from the 50's. I mean, I definitely don't like them as much as Kurt but it would be something. I thought Sebastian was the coolest, bravest guy I knew but after meeting Kurt, I realized he was just the typical rebellious teenager and I don't think I want to be that way. Kurt's really brave.
And if I'm being honest, I don't think I trust him anymore either. I genuinely don't think Kurt would lie to me. I don't think he'd do anything to hurt me. Maybe he was into Sebastian, maybe he wasn't, but that doesn't change the fact he wouldn't actively try to hurt me. So why would he go after Sebastian? He says he has no interest in Sebastian but let's be real, I see how Kurt looks at him. It's nothing but tension between the two of them. And Kurt never denied saying he'd asked Sebastian if he would leave me, only that it was in a different context. What kind of contexts are there for that kind of question? And if it was so innocent why would Sebastian tell me? What was his goal in that?
I am not sure why I reacted as I had when Sebastian told me. I mean... of course I didn't believe him. Kurt didn't want Sebastian, but there was this small nagging voice in my head that said maybe he did and maybe that was the only reason he'd wanted to be my friend. I'd gotten angry enough to want to confront Kurt that day which Sebastian had argued against. And when I was confronting Kurt I realized that for some reason, I wasn't angry that Kurt wanted Sebastian. I was angry that he didn't want me. How could I be so petty and so vain? And when he pinned me down, I think I was done.
The way he so perfectly controlled my body shocked me. And even more, that I liked it. Sebastian had done things like that to me, but it was all sexy fun and a wrestle for us both to get on top. With Kurt, I really didn't mind him being in control. But that's insane! I don't want to be controlled, I want to be in control of what's happening... that's when I realized maybe it wasn't about Sebastian but Kurt. I trusted Kurt completely, enough that even if he'd wanted to break us up, it must have been for a good reason. And since then all I could think about was how comfortable it was to have him around me. When would I stop fighting that?
I walked into my English class but couldn't stop my mind long enough to focus. The worst part was that Kurt and I had English together so I had to sit beside him and pretend I wasn't completely absorbed in his proximity to me.
"Hey." Kurt smiled and it was a beautiful smile.
"Hello." I greeted as pleasantly as I could, but I was always feeling pleasant when Kurt was around. Well... without Sebastian. I know Kurt said he hated Sebastian, but the fear that he was lying was too strong.
"How are you?" Kurt wondered.
"I'm excellent." I smiled. "There's a showing of Shakespeare in the park tomorrow. Did you want to go with me?"
He looked at me as if that was the most amazing offer he'd ever heard, which is good because I'd been trying to find an offer he couldn't refuse. I needed to redeem myself for this weekend. Maybe I could just tell him I remember. Then he'd tell me what he really thought. But I was a coward, not brave like him, and the words refused to form. Maybe I could tell him tomorrow, after giving him the best day so that he would remember what good friends we were. Then maybe I could do some damage control.
"Of course!" Kurt smiled wider than I would have expected. I always loved that about him. I would ask him to do something he loved just a little but he acted as if it were magical. It filled my chest with joy and pride and made a smile cross my lips. His face turned more somber then, "But I cant. Jerry is helping me with math tomorrow."
"Oh." I was about to offer to help him with math, but he was one year higher and I hadn't learned what he had. I'd only gotten into this class because I happened to do all my English courses early so I could get an extra spare in senior year. "Maybe Wednesday then."
"Maybe, I might be visiting Mercedes, if she's not being held up at glee club."
"Oh." Is he looking for reasons not to spend extra time with me? "Is there a day...?"
The teacher started talking so he turned his attention to her. I was left sitting in a slightly depressed state trying to determine every thing I would need to atone for.
I understood if I made him uncomfortable but I still wanted to be his friend, if nothing else. Maybe it wasn't as forgettable for him. How could it be, Blaine, you idiot? You threw yourself at him repeatedly. Not only physically, but you practically begged him to have sex with you. Why would you do that? Why? Ugh, I regret everything. I should have stayed home. I think I'll be sick tomorrow. I can't come back until I'm ready to talk to him about it. And I have to accept that he might want nothing more to do with me.
The thought of being without him hurt and I couldn't understand exactly why. I hadn't known him long enough to become dependent on him, but maybe I was. He made me feel comfortable and safe and always accepted. He put up with things no one should and I kept putting him through more! How could he tolerate me?! How could I believe he wasn't trying to get closer to Sebastian through me? Why else would someone tolerate my behavior? And why was I so hung up on him?
Maybe this was lust. I mean... it could be. But there was nothing-no offense to Kurt-explicitly sexually appealing about him. He'd bulked up a little since we first met but not so much so that I should want to pounce him when he walked into a room. What the hell is wrong with me?
And if I was being completely honest with myself, I would be able to acknowledge the truth that I just... didn't want to be with Sebastian anymore. There was no spark or electricity or thrill. He was sexy, sure, much more obviously than Kurt, but maybe that's what my body was trying to tell me. If I was so much more drawn to Kurt than to Sebastian, then I couldn't very well be all that interested in Sebastian, right? I mean... that would explain why this has only been an issue for the past week or so. I met Sebastian and thought I'd never meet anyone better, but when I met Kurt I thought, "oh he's cute" in a platonic kind of way.
"Can I borrow a pen?" I glanced up in shock at Kurt who was reaching over as if I would just give him one. And of course I would, I just needed to get past the shock of being pulled away from my mind.
Oh my god, his eyes, how do they look like that-stop. No.
Oh, who am I kidding, yes. Please Kurt, never stop looking at me. But when I gave him my pen, he went back to focusing on his notes.
I wasn't even sure how I could feel so much disappointment so deep inside of me. Would it be too inappropriate to masturbate thinking about your best friend? Maybe that's what I needed to do. He wouldn't know...
The thought of him Friday night dancing with that other guy... Ugh, it still makes me sick. I didn't think I would mind much, and I tried to convince myself that I was just angry he hadn't found someone else sooner so he could stay away from Sebastian, but that wasn't it, because I was willing to leave Sebastian with a group of guys actively flirting with him just so I could intercept Kurt. How had I gotten so... jealous? And what was I jealous of?
The idea that maybe I had feelings for Kurt was tempting but too terrifying to admit. If he didn't want me back, I'd die. Denial, if that's what this was, would be much safer. Plus, Kurt would make it obvious if he felt the same, wouldn't he? He was a hopeless romantic.
I couldn't just want Kurt for his body. That would be insane. And rude. He means so much more to me than just sex. He's... He's so brave and tough and strong, and no one even notices because he doesn't look it, but he is. And that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of everything that he is to me... or in general.
I knew the answer, even if I tried to avoid it. And I tried to avoid it so I could keep dating Sebastian without being such a bad person. But I knew it was over with Sebastian. It's been over for weeks, I've just been hiding from it because... I'm scared that if I'm not dating Sebastian, Kurt will. And I don't want that. I can't stomach the idea of seeing that.
Kurt deserved better than Sebastian. I mean... Sebastian isn't a bad person, and he's smart and has a lot of potential but... I don't know, he's not good enough for Kurt. Kurt deserves the world, and whoever he ends up with damn well better know it! I know it. And he should too. Plus, Kurt wants romance and subtlety. Sebastian has neither of those.
Ugh, I can't believe you asked him to have sex with you! No wonder he won't look at you. He's probably disgusting with you. He's been disgusted with you since you attacked him in the back of his car. Then you stupidly requested he ask you out, which-thank god for Kurt-he was kind enough to forget about so that you didn't destroy your relationship.
At least I know now he doesn't feel the same. That has to be better than always wondering.
"Blaine." Kurt snapped in a little annoyance.
"What's up?" I asked catching my breath again when looking into his eyes. Calm down, you're going to scare him away.
"Do you want to be my partner?"
"Oh, yes." I stammered in confusion. "For what?"
"The assignment she just assigned, weren't you listening?" Kurt wondered but he looked amused rather than judgmental which... how could he be so wonderful?
"Oh." What could I say? No, I was thinking about your eyes and how it felt to have your body on mine but also avoiding getting a boner? "I think I'm still hung over."
He laughed and shook his head as he started to stand. Was class over already? My god, what did I do? How did I lose an hour?
"Do you want to come to my house after school to work on it?" I asked thinking about trying to seduce him but keeping that in the back of my mind as much as I could. I couldn't screw up this friendship. If that's all he wanted from me, I would do my best.
"Sure. After Warbler practice." Ugh, why does he care more about that than me... Sebastian? Is that his chance to see him? I wished I could say that I was angry he was interested in my boyfriend, but realistically I was mad that he wasn't interested in me. What did Sebastian have that I didn't?
I started the Dalton fight club, which I invited him to, and I was top of my class, even if it was a different class than them. I was the lead vocalist, not him, so I mean... that says something there, and I'm a sophomore, not a junior like them, so... Maybe that was it, maybe he thought I was too young. I'm one of the most popular guys at Dalton Academy, too. Much more widely liked than Sebastian who is not the proper height for Kurt anyways. I'm just his size.
He's not nicer than I am, that's for sure. I mean, Sebastian has always been nice to me, but I've seen him be a dick at times too. Kurt wouldn't like that. He hates bullies. Maybe if I could get Sebastian... no. That would make me worse than Sebastian and then Kurt would never love me the same way. I liked that we didn't keep secrets... for the most part.
It was hard not to examine Sebastian and Kurt and how they interacted in Warbler practice. I felt a strong spike of anger every time they were within five feet of each other. And every time Sebastian glanced at Kurt, or Kurt looked at Sebastian, I wanted to scream at them to focus. Why couldn't they just stab me in the chest and get it over with? I could hardly even focus on singing, especially when I noticed Austin, a boy who usually swayed quietly in the background, not unnoticed by me, but definitely not to Kurt's standards, grab Kurt by the hand and make him his dance partner.
What the hell were the words to the song? What song was I singing? Why the fuck was Austin dancing with Kurt and why did Kurt look so damn happy about it?!
I shook my head and tried to focus so I didn't alert anyone else to my internal struggle. Wes had already noticed me screwing up words, and so had Sebastian, but of course he did, he was an expert on my screw ups. I mean... I know he said he'd try to change that but... what was the point? Did I want to continue caring what he thought? Not really.
"Should we call this early?" Wes asked me when the song was done.
"I think I'm just tired." I answered, a little honest. I avoided looking at anyone who might know otherwise. "I had a long weekend."
"Alright. We can continue tomorrow." He nodded and dismissed us.
I felt a hand on my lower back and felt the urge to cringe knowing who it was. It wasn't that I hated Sebastian or didn't want him near me, but every time he touched me it gave Kurt a reason not to, and a reason to pull further away.
If you dump him, I told myself, then you can ask out Kurt. Kurt wouldn't want to be a rebound though. Not that he would ever be to me but he might not see it that way.
I wanted a day away from everyone and everything so I could organize my thoughts and feelings. I clearly needed that. Kurt was my friend. But so was Wes and I didn't obsess over him like this. What was it about Kurt? I'd think it could be that we slept in the same bed but that was after. I smiled a little at the memory of waking up to his sleeping face, but cringed in horrified embarrassment knowing that I'd pretended to sleep so I could lay with him longer without disturbing our friendship. Ugh, why was I such a terrible person?!
"Are you alright?" Sebastian asked.
"Yes." I lied smoothly. "I'm still a little hung over I think."
"Do you want to come over to my place. My parents are out of town again." His fingers played along my back, and it did feel good actually, but I felt sick knowing I wished it wasn't him doing it. Break up with him, Blaine. But I can't or I might lose Kurt. "Kurt and I have a project after school."
I glanced back at Kurt who was talking and laughing with Austin now. First Sebastian, now him?! You're going to make me catty, Kurt! I'm right over here! Can you just... ugh, please Kurt why can't you just see me?
Sebastian gave Kurt a slightly sour look which gave me a little hope.
"What?" I asked.
"What?" Sebastian turned his attention back to me.
"What was that look?" I pushed.
"I just... don't understand why you're still spending so much time with him." He explained. "I told you what he did and what he said."
"And I told you I believe Kurt." I reminded. "He wouldn't do anything to hurt me."
"He asked me to break up with you so I could be with him." Sebastian reminded.
"Can you tell me what you were talking about when he said that, because I really don't understand."
"Nothing!" He gasped. "He just leaned into me and asked me to do it."
"But you said no." I clarified.
"Of course I did." He seemed insulted I would even ask.
"Do you want to date Kurt?" I wondered. "Do you have feelings for him?"
"Of course not."
"Then there really isn't much of a problem, is there?" I hoped he was serious but something about how he was acting made me fear there might be more to it than I thought and I really didn't want to lose Kurt to him.
"Alright." Sebastian surrendered but tried to stay casual. "But remember what I told you, right?"
"Yeah, of course." I laughed. "Anyways, Kurt is harmless." Unfortunately.
Sebastian nodded and leaned down to kiss me. It was nothing compared to kissing Kurt, but maybe that had been the alcohol talking.
After he pulled away, I glanced back at Kurt who was watching us with a wiry unpleasant expression, his eyes primarily on Sebastian as if he might be sick. Oh no. Why? I tried to keep my mind from imagining. I tried to pretend I didn't care but it was impossible. Was Kurt upset because he wanted Sebastian that bad? Or did my actions on Friday sicken him that much? I needed him to tell me, this was impossible to live with.
Sebastian slapped my butt which was... whatever, and I started walking towards Kurt and Austin. Kurt had smiled at me, noticing me looking, then returned to his conversation.
Sebastian had warned me that Kurt might try to break us up, but I honestly didn't mind that. I only cared about why. What did Kurt want from us breaking up? A deep seated hope inside me wished he would want me to love him. Maybe he wanted me, but if he did I had given him his chance on Saturday, and again on Sunday. He didn't take them. Or maybe Friday had ruined my chances. Maybe he thought I'd make a terrible boyfriend. Of course I would make a terrible boyfriend. I was currently a terrible boyfriend.
"Hey." I said probably interrupting.
Neither of them looked upset but Austin said he needed to go and promised to text Kurt later. They were texting now?! A little soon, don't you think?
"What was that?" I tried to be as pleasant and mocking about it as I could but my insides were burning to know.
"Oh, nothing, he just... wanted to talk." Why are you smiling like that, Kurt?! You never smile like that when I talk to you. Not unless you're... *GASP* You're bashful! How dare you? How dare he?
"Oh? I know that smile." I smiled as if I wasn't dying. "What does he want to talk about?"
"What were you and Sebastian talking about?" I wasn't sure if this was a reflective answer or if he was changing the subject.
"You and me going to my house." I answered easily as he started to lead the way out of the class and out towards his car.
"He didn't mind?" Kurt asked.
"Why would he mind?" I asked, genuinely wondering.
Kurt shrugged though and didn't answer. I got into the passenger seat and took a deep breath smelling the sweet scent of Kurt and leather. I watched him get into the car and begin driving. It was hard not to smile watching him so focused on driving, but it was a large SUV and he wasn't massive himself. It was rather sexy, actually. I couldn't help but imagine him driving when we were older, even if for some unfortunate reason we were no longer in each other's lives. I could imagine him driving with children in the back on his way home to a husband who I prayed would love him more than anything, and my heart filled with more joy than I think I've ever felt.
All I want if for you to be happy, Kurt.
"Why don't people know how to drive?" He asked, getting ready to honk at someone but I instinctively pulled his hand away from the horn, as I have many times, and had to fight myself not to hold it. "I was thinking we could do our project on life in the depression."
"Why?" I wondered curiously. I would do whatever he wanted.
"Because Of Mice and Men is based in the depression." Kurt answered sounding a little annoyed. I doubted it was directed at me as much as the other drivers and the fact I hadn't yet truthfully explained my inability to focus.
"Would you date Austin?" I wondered.
He laughed a little awkwardly. "I barely know him."
"He seemed to like you."
"Do you think I should?"
"No." I answered without thinking. "I mean, if you want to then go for it but I don't think you should for no reason."
"It might be nice to date someone." He mused. "I haven't had a boyfriend yet. And I mean... I should explore my options a little, right?"
"You shouldn't start dating someone just to have a boyfriend." I informed him. "You deserve better than that."
"I'm starting to feel desperate."
"Why?"
He took a deep breath and glanced at me as if not sure how to proceed next. Then he did, "I'm tired of fighting for love, Blaine. I thought I knew my soul mate, but what if I was wrong? I can't keep fighting for something that's not meant to be, can I?"
My stomach felt like it was filled completely with boiling water. "You don't know what's meant to be. Who did you think was your soul mate?"
"Doesn't matter now."
"Yes it does." I paused, "Is it someone I know?"
"Yes."
"Is he gay?"
"Yes."
"Is he single?"
"No." His eyes widened then and he locked his jaw to keep from saying more.
It was hard to form the words, but I managed to ask, "is it Sebastian?"
"Oh my god, Blaine!" He snapped in annoyance. "For the last time, I'm not interested in Sebastian."
"You could tell me if you were, you know. I'd understand." He gave me a dark glare so I surrendered. "Who is it then?" But he pulled into my driveway and didn't answer.
We were still silent when we got into my room. I got us snacks while he started opening our books and papers across the bed.
I tried my best to listen to Kurt's instructions on how to complete the project but I was too easily distracted. I gave minor pieces of advice carefully but let him take the lead. I was happy just to watch him and listen. When he asked questions, I answered willingly.
I realized as I watched him work, that maybe he wasn't just a friend. Not to me anyways. No, I could watch him forever and never get bored. I couldn't stop loving everything that he did or hearing him speak. How could I keep deluding myself? I didn't just want Kurt for sex. Sure he was appealing, but it was more than that. I wanted him. I wanted to be his and for him to be mine. Forever, if I could get him that long. He made me feel things I didn't know were possible. Looking at him somehow caused me both immense joy and agonizing pain. I wanted him in my arms forever. I never wanted to see him cry or hear that someone had hurt him. I loved him, and more than as a friend. How was I too blind to see that?
"This is going to take all night." Kurt groaned rubbing his eyes. "We don't even know what we're doing yet, and it's been an hour."
"Let's take a break." I suggested. "We can come back to this after we've done something that isn't school related."
"Like?" Kurt asked then looked at my clock. "I have to be home by ten."
"You can spend the night." I offered without thinking. He seemed just as surprised as I was. His eyes terrified me because they were wide and clearly held an emotion I wasn't certain of. "You know, to work."
"S-sure." Oh God, I made him uncomfortable, didn't I? He is probably scared to be in the bed with me again. I could sleep on the floor if he wanted... "I'll just text my dad."
Kurt closed his books and sat with crossed legs on my bed. He smiled at me widely and I wanted to kiss his beautiful lips but I knew I wasn't allowed.
"Are you happy, Kurt?" I wondered.
"Yes." He answered seeming a little curious about the question.
"Good." I smiled. "I want you to be happy."
"I want you to be happy, too." He paused then and added, "Which is why I would really like you to tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong."
"I know you Blaine." He said with a strangely certain authority. "I know when something is wrong."
"Do you think I'm a bad person?" I asked looking at my hands to avoid seeing his face.
"Of course not." He said putting a hand on my knee. "Blaine?"
I felt tears starting to pool down my cheeks but didn't bother to hide them. "I am. I am a horrible person."
"Why would you even say that?" Kurt demanded with more force than I'd ever heard form him.
"I remember."
"Remember what?"
"Friday night." He pulled his hand away then and straightened up watching me with a skeptical composure. Please don't hate me Kurt. "I remember everything. I remember what I said and how I acted and I am so sorry. I know what you must be thinking of me, and I have no excuse for my behavior."
"Why'd you lie?" He asked.
"I... I didn't know how you'd react. And I didn't want you to hate me."
"There's nothing I could ever hate about you."
"I'm so sorry that I made you so uncomfortable."
"Did you mean it?" He asked suddenly, ignoring my apology.
"Mean what?"
"What you said?" What did he mean? What I said about leaving Sebastian or having sex with him or both? What part did he want from me. I think I was willing to give him whatever part he wanted.
"All of it." I answered, vaguely concerned I might have actually forgotten something I didn't mean.
I looked up at him but couldn't read his facial expression like he could always read mine. Effortlessly.
"Please Kurt, say something. Even if it is only to hate me." I begged.
I was rewarded, rather than punished though because he leaned forward and started kissing me. The kiss was deeper and harder than I remembered, but just as good. I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt his arms curl around my body with an iron strong grip that made me relax instantly. I let my body melt over his as our legs intertwined.
"Errm, Kurt." I moaned, my eyes remaining closed and relaxed.
"Blaine." He whimpered, his tongue moving softly along my bottom lip.
My arms tightened around him and we remained like that for a moment until I was able to will myself to pull away from his lips to start kissing his jaw and down his neck. He moaned as one of his hands moved down to my groin and started pulling at the zipper of my pants. Through my pants I could feel myself getting harder under him. Soon he'd be holding me, and me him and then we'd both take each other for the first time ever.
He pulled me out after a small rushed effort to open my pants with one hand and his warm hand cupped my cock, just holding it for a moment. Then he began rubbing and I let out a moan wondering how he knew how to touch me just right. His fingers played with me expertly, getting me hard fast. I bit and nibbled his neck as lightly as I could without getting too rough in response to the sensation between my legs but it was hard when I was already holding in my cum.
"Kurt." I breathed, pulling away and returning my lips to his while allowing my hands to unbuckle his belt and open his pants. He wasn't as hard as I was yet, but large and getting ready. I put his thick cock in my hand and started rubbing fairly hard, but only as hard as I would also like, letting my thumb roll over his tip occasionally so I could spread his pre-cum as if it were a lubricant.
After a few moments of that we started pulling at each others clothing until they were scattered around the room, then I lay down on top of him feeling his naked body pressed directly against mine. His warm, ready body waiting for me. I slid his legs apart with my own and positioned my hips between his legs feeling him just below my own stomach as I continued to kiss down his beautiful body. "mmm, Kurt."
I reached to my side drawer and pulled out a condom. Then some lubricant because I'd read online we'd need it. I slid the condom on and rubbed some lube over it before reaching down and circling his anus with my finger.
"Ask me for it, Kurt."
"Please Blaine." He moaned by his voice sounded a little off. Then I remembered why. "Blaine...! Blaine!" Then I was pulled back into reality. "Blaine!"
"Yes?" I asked, thankful I had a book on my lap covering my erection. I looked up at Kurt who, unlike my fantasy, was fully dressed and not begging me for inappropriate interactions.
"Where did you go?" Kurt demanded. He looked, not annoyed but bothered and a little worried. Maybe he should be since I clearly couldn't control myself.
"I was... I was right here." I stammered, not sure I was ready to leave that fantasy. How am I supposed to fix this, though? I have a growing erection and have to sleep with the person who gave it to me without scaring them away. What if it doesn't go? This isn't okay, how do I stop this, how do I stop this?
"You zoned out for like... a minute or so."
"What did you say before?"
"I said I know that something is wrong." He said, flashing a hand towards me as if to prove his point. "What is it?"
"I... This might sound really weird but... I've been feeling really weird lately." I answered. Whenever Sebastian talked about sex, Kurt met him equally and unafraid. He told me he didn't like talking about it and was supposed to be afraid of it, but his actions always dictated otherwise. Plus, what was wrong with one friend asking another for advice? Since I desperately needed it and the internet would not be helpful with people around.
"Weird how?" Kurt asked probably because I didn't continue.
"I... Okay, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course." He looked confused and a little concerned but very ready.
"It might be a little... awkward, or uncomfortable..."
"I'm listening."
Then I realized nothing about this had to be awkward. I have a boyfriend. One I probably shouldn't have anymore, but that point ignored. "Sebastian wants to have sex."
"Oh." He gaped at me for a moment and I think there was a little judgment in his eyes as he tried to understand what I meant. He'd gone a little stiff so maybe he didn't want to talk about this. "A-a-and h-ave you?"
"No, not yet." He seemed to relax a little when I said that.
"Good." He snapped which seemed a little out of character but I ignored it. "You shouldn't have sex until marriage. After marriage even, is it getting hot in here, I'll open a window."
I put out a hand to stop him and it worked. "I'm not sure I believe in that." I said with a tiny smirk. He looked so cute when he got flustered. How could anyone look so adorable? "And to be clear, I'm not sure I want to have sex with Sebastian either." So, you know... I'm free if you are.
"Oh." Kurt seemed to relax a little. Was he only worried about Sebastian? Because he's had a few partners, Kurt, he ain't saving himself for nobody. I calculated his reaction. He didn't seem completely uncomfortable with the sex talk, so I continued.
"But I still... I'm all for masturbation. I think it's good to express your sexuality in safe, healthy ways." That's what I'd read online anyways, and my mom agreed. "But I don't want to be that guy who has to do it every 12 hours to be a functional member of society."
He eyed me a little strangely, looking me up and down for a moment, and I felt a small pang of fear that he knew what was wrong. But he straightened his face and shrugged his shoulders, and I realized that if he knew and was hiding it to make me feel more comfortable, I think I was in love with him. How did he do that?
"I think..." He thought for a moment. "I think I screwed up." He admitted but I didn't understand what he was saying. Did he regret coming over? Regret saying he could spend the night? "You're... different... now and I don't know if I know how to fix that."
"What do you mean?" I tried to sound casual but I was shaking.
"I can't..." He looked a little run down. "Blaine... I think you have ketchup in your hair. I don't know how you got it there, but you should take a shower. I'll be downstairs making pasta. Okay?"
I blinked at him wide-eyed and confused. How could I possibly have ketchup in my hair? I haven't eaten a single thing with ketchup in four days at least, and I shower regularly, and touch up my hair more than that. And why did he want to go downstairs and make pasta? What a random thing, plus it could take an hour, maybe more with how detailed he likes to be. What the hell was he talking about?
"Take a shower, Blaine." He ordered a little harshly, getting up and leaving the room.
Why would I take a shower? I looked down in a moment of confusion and noticed the book on my lap and remembered. OH! I jumped out of the bed and went to my bathroom and turned on the cold water. I couldn't touch myself with Kurt in the building, it would feel too wrong. Plus, if I kept my hair out of the cold water, it should be fine.
It took probably five or ten minutes, maybe more, for my body to get over itself, or at least to a point where if I didn't let my mind wonder, I should be fine. How could Kurt be so calm about this? Could I be this calm? Suddenly I hoped so.
Before getting dressed again I checked my hair desperately in case my hair somehow did actually have ketchup in it that I hadn't noticed. I re-gelled my hair quickly, there was no ketchup, got dressed and went downstairs.
"Thank you." I told him seeing him in the kitchen. I hadn't realized until I saw him, but a small part of me had feared he would run away. I remembered the conversation we'd had in my head. Maybe if I told him, he'd be that understanding. Or maybe he'd yell at me. Anything would be something. "Kurt..."
"Yeah?" He asked stirring what I assumed was pasta.
"I have something to tell you." He looked interested but calm and I didn't want to lose that. It's not like he couldn't get emotional at times. "About Friday."
He shook his head then. "How about we talk about something else?"
Did he want to forget it that bad? Maybe I shouldn't tell him. But then how could I apologize?
"It's real quick." I promised.
"I kind of want to forget about it, to be completely honest." He told me and something stiff in his expression and voice made it clear that he meant it. So it was that bad for him.
"Are you sure there is nothing I should apologize for?" I asked desperately. "Because I feel like maybe I should."
"Nope." He answered in a friendly but final tone. "Nothing significant."
That felt like a dagger to the chest.
"A-alright." I nodded. "But I am sorry for how I acted. My behavior was inappropriate and unforgivable, I'm sure. It shouldn't have been your job to babysit me."
His eyes relaxed a little then and his smile turned a little more sincere. "I don't mind taking care of you, Blaine."
Those words impacted me more than he could have known and dug deep into my soul. I wanted him to take care of me, and I wanted to take care of him. But we didn't want to do it in the same way.
"Can you pass me the colander?" He asked and I did, slowly backing away from him to watch from a small distance as I tried to calm myself down.
We'd finished our project around midnight and would review it tomorrow to make sure it was good to hand in. He'd gone to sleep fairly quickly with his back turned to me which was fine by me because I wasn't sure I could look at him much longer and not break into tears.
How had this happened to me? Why?
I had convinced myself that everything was pushing me towards Kurt. He knew me almost better than I knew myself. He knew what songs to play to correct or enhance any mood I was in, he knew all my favorite foods and things without me ever having to tell him, he always had the right thing to say, and I swear sometimes I think he can read my mind.
I stared up at the black ceiling above me and tried to console myself. Maybe I wasn't making any of the right decisions. Maybe I was being too much of a coward. I wanted to be more like Kurt, but what would he do in this situation? He was always so wise, I'm sure he'd do the right thing.
I know what he'd do. He wouldn't have drunkenly kissed another guy while in a relationship with someone else, or repeatedly begged for sex, or been fantasying about his friend with said friend in the room resulting in what must have been one of the most awkward encounters of my life! He'd be honest and brave and he wouldn't hide because he never hides.
I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep much more than two hours in total but when I woke up seeing Kurt I couldn't maintain my smile. Until I remembered that he didn't feel for me the way I did for him. And he probably didn't want to.
My alarm signaled that we needed to get up. We didn't say much other than good morning and a short discussion over whether to eat here or stop at the Lima Bean. We chose the Lima Bean.
"What do you think you're going to get?" I wondered as we stood in line.
"I'm not sure I'm hungry." He answered.
"Oh really? I think I want that brownie. Or maybe that cookie."
"Isn't it a little early for that?"
"When are cookies healthy, Kurt? When are they healthy?"
He shrugged, "When you're right, you're right."
I continued to grumble, "People eat doughnuts for breakfast, that can't be healthy."
Kurt smirked but I think he was tired.
"Didn't sleep well?" I asked, a little concerned that my tossing and turning had woken him up.
"Yeah, it's fine." He shook his head a little then widened his eyes as if he could convince them to stay open. "I was just... overthinking, maybe."
"Really?" I replied a little too excited. I calmed myself to continue, "What were you thinking about?"
"I had a really weird dream." He answered.
Before I could ask me, Burt showed up with a coffee in his hand and said, "hey boys." There was something strange about how he was looking at us but I wasn't sure exactly what. "So strange running into the both of you here so early in the morning."
I glanced at Kurt who was looking un-phased up at the menu.
"Blaine's house is on the way, I agreed to pick him up, right Blaine?" Kurt replied smoothly.
"Is that so, Blaine?" Burt looked at me with a small expectant smirk and clear disbelief on his face.
"Y-yeah, my house is on the way." To what? School? Sure, so is everyone's house. It's the starting point.
"Hm." Burt looked a little unsatisfied but I wasn't sure why. "How's Racheal? Feeling better?"
I glanced at Kurt who looked at his did now, eyes fully awake and face completely confident.
"Yeah. She's upset that I wasn't Finn though." Kurt noted in such a way that Burt relaxed a little.
"Rules are rules for both of you." He said. What did I walk into? "Are you coming home tonight, though?"
"Yeah, I think so." Kurt answered.
"Okay, have a good day at school then, Blaine, always a pleasure." Burt said to me and I smiled widely waiting for him to leave before turning back to Kurt.
I didn't have to ask because Kurt answered, "Carol saw you on Friday night and told my dad. Now we have a rule that I can't sleepover with boys and Finn can't sleepover with girls."
"So you told him you were staying at Racheals house." I clarified.
"Yes." He looked at me and smiled a little. I wish my heart didn't stop when he smiled at me.
"I didn't think you could lie." I praised, but felt a little nervous seeing how well he was able to lie to his dad. Maybe there was more, then, that he hadn't told me.
I couldn't say more because we'd gotten to the front of the line.
In the car I finally asked, "So what was your dream about?"
"What?" He wondered.
"The one that kept you awake?"
"Oh." He paused for a while then decided to answer, "I don't really want to talk about it."
"Why not?" I pressured a little. "I tell you everything." Mostly.
He smirked a little but surrendered, "You'll think it's weird."
"No I won't." I promised.
"You're dating Sebastian." He started but I didn't even give that a moment to settle.
"I'm breaking up with him." I didn't expect to say it. I didn't want to say it. I didn't want that hanging in the air over us but there it was.
"What?" he glanced at me in shock.
"I'm... going to... break up with Sebastian." My heart was racing. How would he react? Was he happy? Was he sad? Did he know that I wanted him to myself?
"Why?" He sounded shocked. Did he think that was a bad idea? Would he not do the same? Did I put on a well enough facade to convince him Sebastian and I were solid?
"I've been thinking about it for a while." I answered a little untruthfully. I hadn't been taking the relationship seriously enough to consider ending it. It wasn't as if we were going to get married or anything. Now I wanted something real. "But Friday night was kind of my last straw. I don't want to be the kind of person who goes out and gets out of control. Alcohol isn't an excuse. And when I'm with him I always seem to be my worst self. It's not his fault, I know, but I'd think I need to re-grasp who I am on my own for a bit."
He stared at the road intently, slowly nodding his head.
"Do you agree?"
"Oh, yes. I think you s-should do whatever is best for you. When are you going to tell him?"
"I'm not sure." I admitted. "I keep putting it off."
"You shouldn't wait too long." He informed me with a bit of a rushed voice. "The longer you put it off, the more messy it will be."
"Tell me about this dream." I insisted wanting to change the subject back away from this topic. "I won't find it weird."
He hesitated but finally decided to say, "It seems a little stupid now."
"All dreams are stupid." I reminded. "I had a dream I was a pumpkin. What was yours."
He laughed a little but as he pulled into the Dalton Academy student parking lot, he said, "I'll tell you about it later."
This was a long chapter and I wrote it in parts so please let me know if anything didn't flow smoothly or if I repeated things too often! I tried to make it all work nicely but rereading your own writing so soon after writing it allows you to skip over mistakes because you know what should be there rather than what is (if that makes any sense ;) ) .
Hope you have enjoyed! Please review to let me know what you think !