'Hwæt! Ond á séo geþring...
Get in bed little ones, and let me tell you about the time the Rainbo- Rori, stop teasing Froki, or I'll have yer Ma up here, and she'll teach you a thing or two! You too, Svana, come on...
Now, this was a long time ago. Like, very long. *No,* Rori, not when I was your age, I mean before that! So long ago, that uhhh... Elves didn't exist yet! Hah! Now I'd say those were the good ol' days, but Nord lads and lasses like you all didn't exist *either,* so there goes that!
Nay, this was so long ago, that it was time for Alduin to eat the whole damn world, to make room for this one. Alduin, all bleary-eyed, crawled out of his cave and yawned. He wasn't too hungry, but the ol' dragon had a job to be doing, and that was that. He took off flying, and started eating a little bit o' everything, just to work up his appetite.
He started with Snow-Throat, and then had to chase around the Leaper Demon Prince (don't worry, he's a nice guy!) and Greedy Guy (who isn't so nice anymore, I hear...), because they always make trouble. Alduin chased 'em 'round and 'round, and finally cornered 'em at the top of Hrothgar.
"Ho ha ho!" Alduin laughed. "You two have yet again failed in your quest to delay my meal. You keep doing this, and one of these days, I'm gonna **curse** you, so just hang out for a bit so you can live a little longer."
And with that, Alduin flew away, for it was time to eat the Nords! And YES, Alduin DID start with the naughty little boys first, Rori! He always does! Well, okay. He didn't this time, and let me tell you why.
So Greedy Guy and Leaper Demon Prince sat around the campfire and cooked some nice stew, just like me Ma used to make. And they sure felt down!
"Man, this sucks," Leaper Demon Prince said. He was looking forward to the following week's jump-rope contest, but now he'd have to wait an entire-forever!
"Man, *this sucks,* Greedy Guy exclaimed. He wanted to steal away some of his favorite bits and pieces of the World, so he could keep playing with them into the next Kalpa. This was against the rules, but Greedy Guy didn't care about the rules (except for the ones he made up himself, but more on that never).
"I wish there was something we could do about Alduin! Every time we get a good thing going, Alduin has to show up and ruin everything," Leaper Demon Prince lamented.
"Doesn't that guy ever get full?" Greedy Guy asked. "I've only had two bowls of your soul-stew, but I'm already stuffed!"
"No chance," Leaper Demon Prince shook his head. "Alduin's big-ol' tum-tum is just big enough for the whole World. That's why he's gotta eat everything when he does, otherwise there'll be too much WORLD for him to finish!"
"Wait," Greedy Guy said. "That gives me an idea! What if we hide away bits and pieces of the World each Kalpa? Then, once we have enough, we can gather them all up and add them to the world, so Alduin gets all full and he goes POP, like corn left over the coals for too long!"
"Wow, that's a great idea," Leaper Demon Prince said, coincidentally munching on some corn. "You can gather the bits and pieces up, and then I can jump up real high and hide them on top of the Wheel!"
Now, this might sound like a cruel prank to play, but you've gotta understand the position these fellas were in. Alduin was gonna eat them, and when people get eaten, they die!
Greedy Guy and Leaper Demon Prince had another problem now, though. Alduin would probably notice they were hiding pieces of the World, so they needed to distract him, somehow.
"I know," Greedy Guy said once more. He really was the brains of this whole operation. "My girlfriend can help!"
"You have a girlfriend?" Leaper Demon Prince said. This was news to him.
"Uh-huh! She's real pretty, and strong, and fast too!" Greedy Guy said. "And like, she can wrestle Alduin! And bend him over her knee, and give him a good spanking for our troubles while we're at it!"
And Greedy Guy and Leaper Demon Prince high-fived, and then they set about making a ruckus and playing music real loud, to summon Meri-Nunda, who Greedy Guy said was his girlfriend. And it took a while, but Meri finally showed up.
"Hey, stop making a ruckus!" Meri said, looking down on the two from the clouds. She was all red, because that's how Meri looked when she got mad. "I don't even know you two assholes, can't a girl get some beauty rest around here?!"
"I thought you said she was your girlfriend…" Leaper Demon Prince whispered to Greedy Guy, who waved him off.
"She is! She just doesn't know it yet," Greedy Guy answered, and stepped forward to speak to Meri. "You can sleep when you're dead, and it won't be too long now! Alduin is all up-and-at-'em, out-and-about, and he's gonna eat the whole world!"
"Wha- Oh, SHIT!" Meri said, and she looked out into the world and saw it was true. Alduin was eating away at Skyrim first, because he wanted to make the Nords mad before eating them.
Meri saw this, and tried her best to hide away. She turned all blue first, then purple, and then she turned invisible! And then she turned *more* invisible, so invisible that looking at the spot where Meri had been made Greedy Guy dizzy and his head hurt, while Leaper Demon Prince threw up some blood. It was pretty gross.
Alduin turned around, the old bastard, and he yelled over at the three. "I don't know what you're doing, but I can still see you, Rainbow Princess Meri-Nunda! Last I heard, you were grounded… Magnar said something abou-"
Meri turned red again, and shouted back.
"Shut up Alduin, you gluttonous bastard!" Meri then turned back to Greedy Guy and Leaper Demon Prince. "He's not even my REAL dad… What do you two want, anyway?"
"Wow, you're a Rainbow Princess?" Leaper Demon Prince asked, amazed. Meri shrugged, and Greedy Guy spoke up again. He explained their plan, and then explained Meri's part to play.
"We have a plan to get back at mean ol' Alduin, but we need your help! You're the only one strong enough and fast enough to wrestle Alduin and keep him distracted!" Greedy Guy declared triumphantly.
"Gosh," Meri giggled and played with her hair, blushing as she did so. "You really think so?"
"Yeah!" Greedy Guy and Leaper Demon Prince answered at the same time, and so Meri came down to their level. She was all dressed in her finest crystal armor, which sparkled and glittered with every color out of space there ever was. Meri took off her sword, and dropped it somewhere in Skyrim - Yes, Svana. You can go out there and find it, but you have to listen to my story and go to sleep first.
Anyway, Meri dropped her sword, and her shield and some other stuff, and rolled up her sleeves.
"Okay lads," she said, fists clenched and voice confident. "Let's get to work!" Then, all three of them high-fived, and Meri raced down the mountainside, running after Alduin.
"Hey! Hey, Alduin!" Meri called out, but Alduin responded with a big ol' BITE. Meri dodged it easily, because nothing in the whole World is faster than light, that's right.
"Oh no, you don't," Alduin said, darting forward to give Meri another big ol' bite, which she again narrowly avoided. Light can go pretty fast, but time is just as fast, so Alduin could keep up!
"I don't know what you and those other two losers are planning, but I won't fall for it," Alduin proclaimed.
"Look Meri, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but you should HEED MY WARNING - Greedy Guy and Leaper Demon Prince are the wrong crowd for a girl like you. Especially Greedy Guy. He's a creeper!"
"A girl like me?" Meri-Nunda asked. "What's that supposed to mean?!"
Alduin sighed. "I'm not supposed to be telling you this, but if you keep hanging out with them, you'll end up in so much trouble with your dad! Even if he's not your real dad, it's not gonna go well for you."
Meri-Nunda crossed her arms and stomped her foot.
"So?" she asked. "I didn't even ask to become the Rainbow Princess! Maybe all I want is… I don't know, how about a nice boy and a really comfy house? Oh, oh! How about a nice boy who will build for me a really comfy house!"
And Alduin pinched the bridge of his nose, because Alduin is Akatosh, and Akatosh knew EXACTLY how that story would end.
"Look, I'll introduce you to Shor next Kalpa if you just let me eat the whole World in peace," Alduin promised.
Meri mulled it over.
"That sounds nice… I don't know who Shor is, but you know my type, and Akatosh is buddies with my dad (even if he's not my real dad), so I don't think you'd try to screw me over."
"Yeah," Alduin sighed, relieved. "You can trust Uncle Alduin!"
"HOWEVER," Meri said, and Alduin moaned and rolled over, impatient. "I promised those guys back there I would wrestle you before letting you carry on about your business!"
Alduin grew suspicious.
"You did WHAT?! Why? What are those two planning?!"
Meri-Nunda realized at this point she'd gotten them in trouble, so she had to think fast! Luckily, nothing is faster than light, remember that?
"Oh, nothing! Nothing, I promise," Meri fibbed. Sometimes, it's okay to fib, if you're trying to keep people safe. Wait, don't tell your Ma I said that!
"They just said they thought I was real strong," Meri continued. "And they wanted to see me wrestle you! They said it would be a really great show, and they promised they'd come quietly, as long as they could watch."
Alduin turned back toward Hrothgar, and true enough, Greedy Guy and Leaper Demon Prince were watching the two, dancing around and looking excited for whatever was to come. Such statements and promises weren't anything like Greedy Guy, but Alduin thought about it and realized Leaper Demon Prince was exactly the type of kid to be interested in such a thing. No doubt he'd roped Greedy Guy into the scheme, if only for entertainment purposes.
"Ho ha ho," Alduin laughed. "Dinner and a show, eh? Very well, then! Let's dance, Rainbow Princess! I'll warn you, I'm not gonna go easy on you!"
And with that, Alduin rushed up on Meri-Nunda, and tried to grasp her in his claws! Meri jumped to the side, and landed a few punches on Alduin's jaw. Then, she jumped up to Alduin's face, and tried to kick him in the eye. Light is pretty fast, but remember that time is just as quick! Alduin grabbed Meri with his talons, slammed her against the ground a few times, and then brought her close to his face.
"Y'know, I *do* have to eat you eventually," Alduin gloated. He squeezed Meri-Nunda tightly, and she groaned as she tried to escape his grasp. It was no good, and right before Alduin opened his mouth, she had an idea! Meri leaned forward, and headbutted Alduin on the tip of his snout as hard as she could!
And Alduin yelled 'OW!' and dropped Meri, and the crowd went wild!
Some Nords had gathered 'round to watch the fight, and they were cheering for Meri-Nunda! Little girls clasped dolls fashioned to look like her, and little boys did the same, but called their dolls 'action figures' for some reason! Even the adults were excited, and some held signs that said things like 'Alduin Sucks!' and 'Go Meri!' and 'Rorikstead loves Wrestlemania!'
Meri-Nunda knew she needed to come up with something to tie up Alduin good, at least for the next few minutes. So she raced around to Alduin's back, and grabbed his tail! It was huge, and it smacked Meri around as she tried to get a grip. Meri tried backing off, but then Alduin just hit her with his wings. Things were not looking good as Alduin grabbed Meri in his jaws, waved her around, and finally tossed her onto the ground.
"Meri!" It was a teeny-tiny voice.
Meri-Nunda was battered and bleeding, but she looked up to see a little girl holding tight onto her Meri-Nunda Limited Edition Plushie, just outside the ring. This was very strange, not because of the girl, but because Meri didn't remember the ring being installed at any point!
Meri nevertheless reached out, took the doll and autographed it for the child.
Yes, Svana. The Plushie is still out there, too.
Meri-Nunda rose to her feet unsteadily, as Alduin landed right in front of her.
"Alright, alright," Alduin gloated again. "This has gone on long enough! I'm gonna eat you now, aaaarrrgg!"
As he dove down on Meri, however, she jumped out of the way, laughing and sparkling as dumb old Alduin crashed into the ground. Meri rushed up onto Alduin's back, and pinned him to the ground, bending his neck backwards as she did so.
And as Meri did this, she saw time unfold before her very eyes.
She saw rainbows, and these rainbows were like people, and like songs, and like roads. And these roads were infinitely branching, like a garden of forking paths, where each path ends right at the gate to another garden, or maybe the same one.
And in the Garden of Forking Paths, Meri-Nunda saw roses, each one an entire universe.
She saw herself fighting against vast armies of darkness, fighting to save Mundus itself.
She saw herself alongside Greedy Guy and Leaper Demon Prince, how they'd be the greatest of friends, and eventually the most bitter of enemies.
She saw herself heartbroken, yet determined never to lose the love in her heart.
She saw her Father, and noted sadly that he truly was her Father, and it was for that reason he'd banish her.
And most of all, she saw a Man. He held a glowing sword - Her sword, and he fought away the darkness and the sadness, and held Love Within His Heart.
The referee counted down to zero, and the crowd cheered as Meri let go of Alduin. She'd won.
The Nords presented her with a belt, but not before long, Alduin once again descended upon her.
"Ho ha ho," he intoned. "You fought well, Rainbow Princess. For that, I will reward you with the highest honor… The honor of being eaten first!"
And the Nord crowds booed, but they also knew it was time, and this was simply the way of things.
Meri looked one more time down the Rainbow Road. Greedy Guy stood on the other end of the Aurbis, smiling wide as Leaper Demon Prince jumped down from the Wheel and gave Meri-Nunda a thumbs up.
"Alright, Uncle Alduin," Meri said, stepping up to Alduin's gullet with a bright smile. "Let's get going."
…
…
…
Immeasurable infinities passed. The stars above blinked out one by one, until there was nothing left. Then, Alduin ate Nothing, because even Nothing was Something. Then, Alduin ate himself, starting with his tail.
And the Aurbis was quiet and dark for some time. It wasn't scary (Alduin ate everything scary!), but it was calm… Like your bedrooms, right now. It was calm and peaceful, gentle and soft…
And in that gentle darkness, Meri-Nunda woke up. She took a big, deep breath, and smiled.
And she said, "Let there be… Me."
And all of Mundus came rushing back, all at once, except for the parts Greedy Guy and Leaper Demon Prince had stolen away for safekeeping.
… No Rori, I don't know when Alduin will be back for seconds. And I don't know what will happen on that day.
But I can tell you what I hope. I hope Meri-Nunda is there on that day, and offers to wrestle mean ol' Alduin.
Goodnight, children. Tomorrow, I will take you all to Kilkreath, and you can see the Ring for yourself.