A/N: Thank you all so much for reading! I'm going to try to update on a more regular schedule, if I can.
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"About Blondie…" Varric let his voice trail off as Hawke winced.
As the army had packed up and prepared to head back to Skyhold, Alistair had excused himself-not so graciously going to Curly and informing him he had some business to attend to in the Western Approach, something about darkspawn and then left before Curly could say yes or no to the endeavor-and in an effort to keep the piece, Hawke had volunteered to go with him to keep an eye on things.
Varric didn't know whether Curly had agreed or not, but here they were, in the middle of nowhere in the Western Approach, with Shale, Rivaini, and Barkington.
Hawke had taken the second watch for the night, and Varric had decided it was time to address the druffalo in the room.
Granted, he'd taken second watch every night and every night Varric had steeled himself to talk about the issue at hand, about what had been revealed in the Fade. Every night, for the last four, Varric had wussed out.
He wasn't particularly proud of himself for that, but then, this wasn't really about pride, was it?
Or so he kept telling himself, trying not to remember that it had been a pride demon that had gotten him to betray Hawke.
"About him…" Hawke finally echoed, though he didn't go any further, as though he expected Varric to start talking about having seen him at the market the other day or some nonsense.
From the pained look in his eyes, Varric almost wanted to try to spin a lie like that.
But he couldn't.
He'd wondered about Blondie's fate often. Hawke had stabbed the apostate in an attempt to appease Knight-Commander Meredith, and he'd-they all had, really-left Blondie for dead to play out the rest of that horrible day.
When they'd returned to gather the body, however, he'd been gone.
Choir Boy had started a man hunt, which still went on today, in the Free Marches, but Varric had often wondered whether Blondie's body had simply been misplaced or...something.
Sometimes he hoped it, bitter as he was about what had happened to Kirkwall. He'd thought Hawke was the same.
After a painfully long pause, Varric glanced around to make sure Shale was still off doing...whatever it did every night. They refused to take a shift on the grounds that they needn't rest and were not about to be used by the 'lazy fleshlings'.
"You stages his death?"
Hawke took in a slow breath, eyes darting around as well, before his shoulders slumped with defeat. "Yeah."
Swallowing hard, Varric fought to keep the anger building inside him at bay. "You kept that from...me."
"I thought...the less people who knew, the safer he'd be. And-"
"But me?" Varric cut in, unable to stop himself. "Does Rivaini know?"
"I never told anyone," Hawke insisted. "I thought about telling you, but…"
"But?"
Hawke motioned to him sharply, leaning in so that he could whisper louder. "You were so angry with him!"
Varric bristled. "He killed so many people! It would have been one thing if he just took out the Chantry or just the templars! But he didn't! He rained destruction over the whole city! We lost friends!"
"I know. I know," Hawke glanced around worriedly, as though the sodding sand dunes were eavesdropping, and motioned for Varric to quiet down. "I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry-"
"Of course I have a right to be fucking angry!"
"I know." Hawke gave him a pleading look. "I know you do. I just...it felt like I failed him. Like if I could have figured out what to do, how to fix things, he wouldn't have had to go...so far."
Silence settled between them. A million things flitted through Varric's mind. He wanted to argue, wanted to scream. Mostly, though, he wanted to shake away the feeling of betrayal that had curled up and settled in his gut.
"You should have told me," Varric finally muttered. "I could have told you it wasn't your fault. You can't expect a single person to fix something like the imbalance of power in Kirkwall or the Templar Order."
"Stardust did."
There was no resentment or bitterness in his words, just simple, miserable defeat.
Varric fishmouthed for a second before shaking his head. "You forget: People think she has divine providence."
"And that there are a lot of templars plotting against her for dismantling their 'noble' order."
Rivaini's voice cut through the conversation and both of them whirled to see her sitting beside the fire, playing with a small stick and poking at the embers.
"Bells, I-" Hawke floundered for what to say.
With a soft laugh, Rivaini tossed her stick into the fire and moved to sit with Hawke, leaning against him. "You told me already. Barkington, too," she teased, hugging him and answering his unspoken question. "Shortly after we left Kirkwall, when you got poisoned by those berries I told you not to eat." As Hawke flinched at the memory, Rivaini laughed again. "You rambled about a lot of different things. Barkie and I made sure none of it ever got out."
Hawke started to say something and stopped himself almost half a dozen times before his shoulders simply slumped. "Thank you, love."
Varric, however, still felt the sting of this betrayal. It wasn't even that Blondie was most definitely still alive somewhere in this wide world of theirs. Hawke hadn't told him. He tried to see things from Hawke's side, knowing how his idiot of a best friend had a tendency to blame himself for the misfortunes that befell those around him and even their actions as though he could have saved them, if only he'd known. Just as he'd said during his admission.
But that he'd thought he couldn't rely on Varric for help with something.
Ancestors' hairy balls, but this was going to hurt for a long time.
"That's the only thing," Hawke blurted abruptly, peering intently at Varric. When he didn't reply, Hawke added, "I've never kept anything else from you. Nothing. And it killed me to hide it from you. I just...you were safer not knowing. And you'd felt so betrayed by Anders that I didn't...know what you'd do. You were so betrayed…"
Irony of ironies.
Before he could try to find it in him to tell Hawke that things were alright between them, that...that maybe they could call it even for when Varric had fallen prey to that pride demon-it didn't feel like equal betrayals, but he was trying to tell himself it could be-another thought sprung to mind. "I wasn't the only one who saw your fears." As Hawke instinctively straightened up, Varric ran his hands down his face, suddenly wishing he hadn't had the courage to do this for another night or two. "Hero, Chuckles, and Stardust were with me. They gave us some space so that I could try to snap you out, but...but they probably still heard what you said."
Hawke's expression…
Fucking Maker, but the horror that slowly settled into him as Varric spoke was...overwhelming. Despite the anger still in him, Varric wanted to take back what he'd said. Desperately.
But then, it was better to be honest, wasn't it?
And unlike some people, he didn't keep secrets from his best friend.
It...was a good thing he didn't say that outloud.
"I don't think you're in any immediate danger," Varric offered instead. "Chuckles and Stardust...and even Hero, probably haven't heard of Blondie's name, so they might not have made the connection." Even with the Chantry blowing up twice during their time in Fade Kirkwall. Shit. Maybe...they didn't know Blondie-Anders was the one responsible for that. "They only problem is if they hear about Blondie from, say, Curly, they might put two and two together. And...well, Stardust isn't your biggest fan-"
"We're getting along better now," Hawke mumbled absently.
"But what will she think when she finds out he's possessed?" Varric frowned. "She's quite adamant that she stands against 'blood and demons' and honestly? I believe her."
Despite looking like he might argue further, Hawke instead slumped down and settled on glaring at the fire.
While it felt like there was so much more that needed to be said, Varric couldn't find the words. Some writer he was.
Though, writing out an argument was hardly the same as living one. When it was written, it could be altered and expanded on a whim. The perfect quip for a rebuttal could be added in seamlessly, building up the tension so that the reader could enjoy, never knowing it had originally been wanting.
Real life didn't have such luxuries.
Eventually, he nodded off, right there beside the fire. When he woke up, it was to Alistair shaking him. Shale had returned sometime during the night and stood just outside of camp looking as nonplussed as ever.
When breakfast had been had and the tents were packed away, Hawke approached Alistair, rocking from heel to toe and back. "I need to go. Back to Skyhold, I mean."
Alistair adjusted his bag on his back, seemingly unconcerned. "Does this have to do with the no-so-subtle meeting you had last night?"
Hawke winced. Varric wasn't sure, but he thought he might have as well. "You heard?"
"It was hard not to; you weren't exactly whispering."
Varric could swear the warden glanced his way as he spoke...which was fair enough. He hadn't kept his calm, had he?
And-very grudgingly-he had to admit that bringing Varric in on the secret had come with some unforeseen fallout.
Even as Hawke tried to come up with something to say, Alistair waved off his concerns. "Grey Warden, remember? We avoid politics unless it deals directly with Warden business."
Varric wondered if Alistair knew they'd been talking about a former Warden.
No need to stir the pot and sabotage themselves now, though.
Because angry as Varric was with Blondie and as betrayed as he felt, he knew that he would never betray Hawke.
Never.
...aside from that once with the pride demon.
If he could just avoid the Fade, though…
"I take it it will be just Shale with me, then?"
Varric wanted to say he'd stay-he needed the time to sort things out-but he doubted Rivaini and Hawke would know how to talk to Chuckles or Stardust...or even Hero about keeping their secret.
""If you need us to take any messages to the other wardens," Rivaini offered, confirming Alistair's suspicions, "we will. Who did you leave in charge? That Blackwall fellow?"
At that, something akin to anger or even betrayal flickered in his gaze. He hesitated a moment before shaking his head and fighting back a frown. He looked over each of them carefully. "I hesitated to bring this up before-I don't...remember why."
That...sounded like Stardust's friend...the spirit.
Uh oh.
"Maybe because the inquisitor favored him and I didn't want a falling out with him to affect her opinion of the Grey Wardens…" He let out a bitter laugh. "Suppose that doesn't matter now."
"What is it?" Varric asked, that sinking feeling in his gut making him forget all about his own feelings of betrayal.
"Blackwall isn't a Warden." Alistair stood there a moment, staring down at the sands beneath his feet. When he looked up, he clapped his hands. "Well, do with that what you will. I'm off."