On the way home from the lacrosse game, he sat in the back with the boys, Jack snuggled against his good side. "Good game, kiddo."
"Thanks, Dad."
He ruffled the boy's hair, winced. He'd overdone it with cheering for the boys, and his ribs were stabbing him.
He swallowed hard. "Jack, can I ask you a question?"
"You just did, silly."
"Hey, show some respect!" Linda called from the front seat.
"Sorry," Jack muttered.
"Apology accepted." Danny cleared his throat. "Why…why do you like having me as your dad?"
He couldn't say the rest of the words—"If you do like having me as your dad"—out loud.
Jack gave him a side-eye, as if that were the silliest question he had ever heard in his thirteen years of life. "Because…you have a really cool job, and you help people, and you teach me and Sean sports, and you don't check my math homework, and you used to be a soldier. And because of your job, you make a difference in people's lives every day."
Danny took a shaky breath. "What if…what if I can't do my job anymore, and…I can't help people anymore? Would you still be proud of me?"
Jack tackled him in a bear-hug that knocked the breath of him. Through the ringing in his ears, he heard Jack talking. Why was the kid yelling? "Of course! You're my dad!"
When he could breathe again, he returned the hug, ruffled Jack's hair. "Thanks, kiddo."
[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-
"What was that about?" Linda asked when they were alone in the kitchen. The boys had gone to bed, and Danny was making himself a peanut butter sandwich so he could take his meds.
"What?"
"All those deep questions you asked Jack."
Opening a peanut butter jar one-handed was more difficult than he'd remembered. He didn't resist when she took it from him. "Thanks."
He sighed as he spread the peanut butter. "Homework from Doc."
He sat down, took a drink of milk. Supposedly it would help his arm and ribs heal faster. Calcium or something.
"I have to ask you the same question, too. I think Doc phrased it, 'What positive things do I bring to your life?'"
"Danny…!" Her voice was thick with tears, and he flinched when her arms came around him. "You can't…you can't see the good and the joy you bring to my life every day?"
He tensed. "I wouldn't have to ask if I could see it, Linda." The words came out harsher than he'd planned, and he cursed himself.
She kissed his head. "Danny… Almost eighteen years of marriage, and every time you walk in the door, every time you smile at me…I fall in love with you all over again."
"But I have a temper, I do stupid s-t like run into danger and make you mad."
"I only get mad because I worry about you when you run head-first into danger, Danny. I love you."
"Why?" he whispered.
Linda sat down, cupped his face in her hands so he couldn't look away. "You make me smile every time I see you, you'd take a bullet for any one of your family members, you're a wonderful father to our boys; and, when it's just you and me and your hard- $$ reputation is safe, you're the gentlest, most thoughtful, most loving man I know. I love you, Danny Reagan."
She kissed him.
He sighed. "What of that do you want me to tell Doc?"
"None of it!" Linda smirked.
He flinched and pulled away. "It's not a joke, Linda."
"I know. I'm sorry. Tell Doc that…you make me smile every time I look at you, you're a role model for our boys, and you're the most loving man I know."
He finished his sandwich, took his medication, and wrote down Jack's and Linda's answers in his notebook.
[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-
He heard his dad's key in the door. "I need to talk to Dad for a bit, then I'll be up."
She nodded, kissed him, and went upstairs.
"Hey, Danny, how was the boys' game?"
"They won. You're getting home late"—it was almost 10—"long day?"
His dad nodded. "Very long day, but everything's taken care of."
"What happened?"
"Don't worry about it."
"Dad, come on, can't you tell me?"
"No. It's need to know, and you don't." His dad hung his coat up. "I saw Linda going upstairs when I was coming in, which means you wanted to talk to me alone. What's wrong?"
He shook his head, poured himself another glass of milk.
"Got something I need to ask you. It's gonna sound pretty stupid, but it's homework. From my shrink."
His dad poured himself a tumbler of Scotch. "Shoot."
Danny eyed the Scotch longingly, then took another sip of his milk. "Actually, never mind. 'Night, Dad." He put his cup in the dishwasher and bolted for the stairs.
[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-[H]-
It was after 10 when he crawled into bed next to Linda. So much for the routine he was supposed to be sticking to…
After 10 p.m. On a Friday.
That meant…
He clung to her. "It's been two weeks. Like, exactly two weeks." He took a shuddering breath. "Feels like it's been a year."
"How are you feeling?"
He shook his head. "I don't know."
Two weeks ago, he had drowned.
He was still in the water, but now his head was above water, and he was swimming, desperately trying to make it to dry land. He knew the dry land was somewhere out there, but he couldn't see it. There was life and joy out there on the dry land. There were people cheering him on to the finish line, but their words were bouncing off him
"I don't wanna drown, Linda."
"Shhh, I'm here, Danny, I've got you. I'm not going to let you drown."
He closed his eyes and fell asleep to dream of lacrosse games and peanut butter and fighting, fighting, fighting to keep his head above the waves.