Chapter Fifteen: Breathing Room
Riley pushed her plate forward, having zero appetite. It felt good to admit, as if a weight was lifted off. The past month had been entirely lonesome and each day added more and more pressure to the singular thought circling around in her head, so now voicing it aloud and letting it all out to this person she loved was one less burden to carry. "I can't do the part-time friend thing anymore, Lucas; I can't not have her as a cornerstone in my life. I love you, and I want to prove to you that you are my main priority—because you are. But, you're not my only priority."
"Wait, I don't understand," the boy scratched his head and set down his utensils. "I never told you not to talk to her or have her in your life, Riley. I just wanted you to realize that you and I came here to start our life together—and that in order to truly build one, you needed to trust me to be the person you could go to."
Picking up her plate, she walked to the trashcan and discarded the food that remained. She turned on the faucet and let the hot water beat down upon the glass as she sighed. "How can you be that person when you're never here? How can I go to you at any time when you're gone the entire day? I can't even call you because you're busy and can't answer your phone." Riley set the dish into the rack by her side and turned around to face Lucas. "Do you not see that I have nothing else here? My family, my friends, everything is in New York. I love you, I do, and I want to spend my life with you, but you can't give me every single thing that I need. You can't be the only person in my life, that's not fair."
Lucas looked at her enquiringly. "Not fair?" He was tired and frustrated. The long hours of the day had been wearing him down, constantly rushing from one place to the next in order to keep up with his job as well as his classes. It was relentless. "Riley, everything that I do, I do for us. You don't think that I'd much rather be home with you all day? You don't think I'd much rather be able to call you and just listen to your voice instead of having to listen to professors or my boss or any of the rude patients that come into the office? What's not fair is for you to fault me for trying my absolute best to build a future for us. I put in all this time, all of this work, just to look forward to the couple hours I get to come home and spend with you." Standing, he lifted his arms in defeat. "And here I was thinking that things had actually been going really well with us lately. Clearly I'm an idiot."
Nearing the boy, she grabbed his arms and lowered them down to his side. "Things have been going well." Riley met his gaze. "That's not what I'm trying to say…" Why was this so hard? Why couldn't she get her thoughts out exactly as she wanted without it always turning into an argument? "I'm just so lonely, Lucas. I'm all by myself ninety percent of the time, with nowhere to go. This is your home; this is where you grew up. You have family here, and old friends. I don't have that, so I like being able to talk to Maya whenever I need to in order to have some kind of connection—some familiarity. Why can't I just talk to her whenever you're gone, that way it doesn't interfere with your time either?"
"It's not about that," he shook his head. "It's the fact that she always comes first—she's always the one you can't live without. Riley, I love that you and Maya have an amazing friendship; I've always admired that. But when friends grow up and go out into the world, they move in separate directions to form their own families…it's natural. And I'm ready for that, I'm ready for that next step with you."
"But she's a huge part of my life, and I need her especially now more than ever. I don't want to give up something that I've relied on for almost twenty years."
Letting her finish, he then lingered, reconciling his mind. "Let me ask you…Do you need me?" his voice was timid.
The young woman cocked her head back at the question. "What? Of course I need you. That's why I'm here." She couldn't understand why bringing up Maya always made Lucas insecure. It was as if it was a competition, but one that she'd never signed up for. Why did growing up suddenly mean choosing between a best friend and a boyfriend? "How can you even ask me that?"
Taking a few steps back, Lucas looked at Riley and then plunged gaze to the floor. "You know, I made a move before too, leaving almost everything behind. I felt so lost, isolated, and out of place—in New York…but you made it feel like home," he smiled slightly, remembering how their friendship had grown—remembering the miracle of being on the right subway car at the right time. Of all the people he could have met in that enormously overcrowded city, the best one happened to fall right into his lap. "You made me feel that any place I could ever possibly be in would be home so long as you were there." Those deep brown eyes were staring directly into his; it was a view he could easily die happy with. Taking the girl's delicate hands within his grasp, he kissed them and then held them securely against his chest. "Do I not make you feel that way?"
Here she had found herself again, hurting this person she cared for with her entire heart, unintentionally. It was as though every single time she expressed a shred of grief, he bore the weight entirely on his shoulders, as if he wasn't enough for her. But it was never about him; Lucas had no shortcomings and did make her happy. Riley knew she was beyond lucky to be the one he'd chosen. She yearned for a way to keep everything and everyone close, exactly as it had been for as long as she could fathom, but it was becoming more and more clear that she was going to have to make a choice—she was going to have to either go all in or set him free to find someone that could. "I want to be here, Lucas. I want to be with you." Riley burrowed her face against his durable shoulder, with tears sodden into his shirt. She felt nauseous, as this was too much to comprehend for one night, but she knew that she adored the boy and that he deserved someone devoted to him.
Lucas rested his cheek upon the top of her head, and then altered to place his lips upon its precipice. He didn't want her to hurt, and didn't want her making any decision that she wasn't completely sure of. He knew without a doubt that he wanted to marry Riley, and would give anything at all to wake up next to her each day. But at the same time he had no desire to forever be wondering if she was really happy. And for some reason, they kept ending up at this point. He inhaled through his nose, taking in the sweet and intoxicating smell of her hair, and then let go. "Go back to New York, Riley. You need to figure out what you really want, and stop trying so hard to please me or anyone else. You've lived with me now for two months; you've seen what life is going to be like here while I'm in school. So now go back to New York, take a breather, and figure out where you'd honestly rather be."
"Lucas, what are you talking about?" Following him as he stepped outside to the porch, she was lost. "I just told you that I want to be here."
He leaned against the rail, looking out at the stars. There were so many, lighting up the sky in a way that no skyscraper ever could. This was his home. He didn't miss a single thing about the big city—not the big commotion, not all of the tourists, not all of the constant noise. It was peaceful here, four acres away from the rest of the world with Riley. He needed nothing else. But he knew she still wasn't sure—he knew that she was torn between the stars and the skyscrapers. A life shouldn't be something a person settles for, it should be something a person fights for…so he wanted her to be able to decide, and then if she wanted—to fight. "I know that you're what I want in my life, Riley. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. But I don't want you to be lonely; I don't want you to feel like you're losing more than you're gaining. I understand that everything happened really fast, and that you've had to alter your entire world to accommodate mine. I'm so thankful you took this leap with me, but I don't want there to ever be a day when you regret it, or wish you had your old life. So please, go back and see if that's where you truly want to be, or if it's here with me."
"No," her voice broke, wrapping herself around his back. "I'm not going to leave you."
Lucas stood firm, supported by the enamoring embrace. "I'm not going anywhere, babe. You know where I'll be—right here waiting for you, ready for you to be my wife. But I don't want to ask that question unless I know for certain that this is the future you deserve—the one you want. So take your time to go back and find out where home really is for you. No matter what you decide, I just want you happy."
She stayed completely still, in over her head. Two months—two months it had taken for her to ruin things with Lucas and to ruin things with Maya. Trying to hold on to both of them tightly, she'd somehow pushed them equally away. It didn't make sense, none of this made any freaking sense. Riley had reassured the boy time and time again that she wanted to be with him, wanted to confirm to that he was the most important person in her life. But still he questioned, and needed more validation. What would it take? Would it take going to New York, and then returning to Austin to prove that he was her one? She let go of the boy and sat down in the weathered rocking chair behind, baffled this was a conversation they were even having. "I don't need to go to know…but if that's what you need, then I will. I'll go, and then I'll come back and show you that this is where I'm going to stay."
Lucas gradually nodded, and then knelt down in front of her onto the wooden slats, grabbing the arms of the chair to halt its movements. He prayed she was right, but nevertheless admired the gorgeous young woman for a moment longer, just in case it was for the last time. This house had been one they'd bought together, remodeled together, and made their own. The idea of living in it without her seemed unimaginable. But he understood that unless she really enjoyed being there, it was no place to behold her any longer. "Just promise me that you'll follow your heart."
"I promise," she pledged to him, fully anticipating being back on that porch by the end of the weekend
A/N: Sorry it's taken me longer than normal to update, I've been busy and my husband had been a little neglected by the extra surplus of time I've spent writing lately, lmao. Hoping to have this concluded by the end of the week though, fingers crossed. Only a few more chapters to go!
-Lauren