Chapter Seventeen: Changing Tides
"Riles, honey," Maya crept the girl's door open, letting in a slim ray of light from the main area of the apartment, "I know you got in pretty late last night, and how much you enjoy sleeping in even on a regular day, but it's almost eleven and I would like to spend at least some time with you before you have to leave…" Seeing no movement beneath the blanket, the blonde rolled her eyes at the stagnant log on the bed and flipped the light-switch up, pounding her fist twice solidly against the wall. "Gunshots!" she yelled out.
"Gunshots!" The clumsy woman instinctively rolled her body off the side of the bed, falling to the floor in a jumbled pile of fabric. Fighting a groggy fog, she looked up to find her best friend bent over in uncontrollable laughter. "Maya!" she proclaimed, tossing a rogue pillow at her.
The shorter girl dodged the incoming pillow and shrugged her shoulders, still laughing. "I'm sorry! My calm attempt didn't work!" Reaching out, she helped a wild-haired Riley to her feet and faked her best dramatic pouty face to beg for unspoken forgiveness.
Squinting her eyes at the pathetic display, Riley shook her head from side to side and crossed both arms over her chest. "Nope, that face isn't going to work on me this time. I've got to say, it's lost its magic, Maya Penelope Hart; going to take a lot more than that to make amends."
"Would breakfast work?"
"Breakfast?" Riley's eyes widened inquisitively. "I'm listening…"
Picking up the comforter, Maya threw it onto the abandoned bed. "Well one of us, and I'm not going to say which, but it's not the one of us that sleeps her entire life away, may have gotten up early to prepare a full spread…and perhaps if you'd march your long lazy legs into the kitchen, you'd find all of said food items awaiting your arrival."
With such a gesture it was impossible to even pretend to be mad. She granted immediate amnesty and after freshening up, the two reconvened in the kitchen to share a meal that was entirely too large for either to even remotely have enough room in their stomachs to finish. Cleaning up the mess, Riley scrubbed the dirtied dishes and then passed them off to Maya for the drying and putting away. It had been a four-year routine that pieced itself right back together as muscle memory. Already the morning was familiar and comfortable and made the weekend completely worth it. "I'm sorry for blowing you off last night…Maya, I'd never want to do that, it's just that-"
"You were tired," the older girl interrupted. "You don't need to apologize, Riles, I get it." She grabbed the used napkins from the table, tossing them into the trash. "I was just shocked to see you, so I didn't even think of it from your side."
"It wasn't just that I was tired…I mean I was, but more than that I was mentally drained…Confused." Riley wiped off the counter tops, making sure no spot was unclean. She was a guest in the place now, after all, and wanted to leave no bigger mess than was there before her stay. Polished with a shine, she approved of her job, and laid the damp rag across the sink divider. The brunette slowly closed the distance between her and the other, raising her chin. "Maya, why didn't you tell me? I feel like I'm becoming a stranger to your life."
Seeing tears on the verge of forming in those big brown eyes, she took a deep breath and then released it from her lungs. It was time—time to be honest, time to be vulnerable, and time to keep no secret from the person she had sworn she'd never have them with. "Bay window now?" she asked softly, gesturing towards the area behind.
Riley agreed, procuring her recognizable position next to Maya on the edge of their seat. Simply being back in that spot engulfed her in so many memories all at once. Sitting in a bay window beside her best friend was her entire childhood, her entire adolescence, and entire young-adulthood all intertwined within the cushions—This, more than every single other place she'd ever been, felt like home…and it was good to be home.
"I wasn't trying to keep anything from you," Maya broke the silence, nervous. "I wanted to tell you, many times I wanted to tell you…But I couldn't."
"Why couldn't you?" Riley set her tan hand on the other girl's shoulder to stop its feeble tremble. She didn't understand why the girl was having such trouble merely talking to her. It had never been a task for them to express what they'd been thinking, but for some reason this was different. "Peaches, you know that there's nothing you could ever do, or ever tell me that would make me love you less, right? I mean surely after so many years, you must know that?"
Aware that nothing would truly be the same after this, the older girl searched within for any ounce of courage. This talk was necessary, as it had been eating away at her since the day she first came face to face with her feelings, so to get everything out in the open would be a needed liberation…but how to start? How was she supposed to begin without letting the words pour out of her mouth like a waterfall and ruining everything? "R-Riley," she stammered, and then inhaled to focus more precisely on her speech. "Look, this is probably going to make you feel weird, okay, but I'm not going to be able to be honest about everything if you don't let me start from the beginning or if you keep interrupting. I'm nervous enough as it is-"
"Maya, it's us, you don't need to be nervous. I don't care who you love as long as you're happy." Removing her hold on the girl's shoulder, she twisted her body slightly to the right to face her friend more directly, with crossed legs upon the cushion.
Maya let out a small uncomfortable laugh at the irony of Riley's statement. She doesn't care who I love, she thought, that's the problem. Matching shape to her former roommate's position, she steadied, and then relaxed. Burying her feelings had grown wearisome…She was ready now, waterfall be damned. "When you moved to Austin, that was the worst time of my life, Riley. I didn't want to talk to anyone else, I didn't want to see anyone else, I didn't even want to paint a picture of anything else—Within the first two weeks apart, I must have started at least seven different portraits of you, but I could never finish them because I just kept getting so frustrated."
"Why were you frustrated?" the brunette asked.
"Look, you have to let me finish, okay? I really need to get this out in one try, or else I'll get all mixed up in my head." Receiving a supportive go-ahead, Maya continued. "But to answer your question, I was frustrated because no matter what color I used, or stroke I made, or image I saw in my head, none of them were good enough. They were just failed attempts of keeping you near me, which paled in comparison to having the real thing…" She was suddenly aware of how cold the room was. The hair on the nape of her neck was standing up amidst the chills coursing through her frame. Maya wished she had thought to bring a blanket to the window, both to keep her warm as well as to protect from anything threatening her now lowered guard. "You said you don't care who I love as long as I'm happy? Riley, you are the person I loved…It was you. The whole fucking time—you." There it was…it was out. All limbs went numb immediately.
Riley's heart was pounding in her chest—it felt heavier than normal. Observing her best friend slump forward and wipe the tears from her cheeks, she felt something crack within. There was no worse sight than to see Maya hurting, and her propensity for fixing what's broken was brimming the edge of her brain. However, as she opened her mouth to speak, a raised hand signaled to her that it was still not yet time.
"For a month my only wish was for you to come home—to show up on our doorstep saying that this was where you'd wanted to be all along and promising to never leave me again, that I was the one person in this huge overly-populated world you couldn't stand to be away from…Riles, you know that I don't pray anymore, but I prayed every damn night for that. Then one day, the first day since you'd moved that I'd actually agreed to go out and do something with someone…with Lexi…I was late for our phone call, and everything fell completely apart." Maya turned her head to look out of the window. It was so bright outside, gorgeous outside, but in the confines of that apartment everything seemed cloudy and gray. "That's when you said that you needed more space from me in order to make it work with Lucas. That's when I stopped praying for you to come back—I finally realized how stupid I was for holding onto that hope. I understood that it was time to let you go—for you to be happy and for me to learn how to be happy without you. After that, I started hanging out with her and putting my energy into letting someone new in...and it's been good for me."
"Maya…I had no idea…" she spoke up with a weak voice against the small blonde's wishes, taking a few moments to process. Teardrops were sinking from her chin onto her sweater, but she was paying them no mind. "Why didn't you just tell me?" Riley was searching Maya's face desperately for any kind of answer. "We've always told each other everything, I don't understand why you didn't come to me with this?"
A defeated grin tinged her lips, as she shrugged her shoulders. "Would it have even made a difference? You'd been with Lucas since high school; you two have planned your entire future together. Why would I ever want to interfere with that? How could I have ever tried to stop you from having everything you've ever wanted."
Noticing small goose bumps raised upon Maya's pale arms, Riley gradually rose from her seat and walked towards the couch. She grabbed the throw blanket that was draped across the back and returned to place it over the other girl's lap. The news was still soaking in, word by word, as this was a conversation she most certainly didn't anticipate having this weekend. However, all else aside she didn't want Maya cold. Still standing, the young woman was lost on any way to make this better. "I…I don't know what to say."
"Honey, it doesn't matter what you say." Thankful for the newfound cover, she tucked it under her feet and then took Riley's hand in her own, looking up to meet stares. "No matter what I would have said before you left, the fact is that I didn't. No matter what you would have done in response, it's pointless to even think about. Lucas was right, Riles, he was right; in order for us to grow and really give ourselves completely to someone else, we have to make room for them. You and I have always put each other first, our whole lives…but it's not fair to do that anymore whenever you are committing your life to him and when he's done nothing but put you first."
Riley found herself lowing to the floor, submitting against the prop of the window. Still holding Maya's hand, she tugged gently so that the other girl would follow to her level, blanket in tow. The young woman rested an overwhelmed head amongst the front of the seat cushion, and in each other's company, the two let a couple of quiet minutes pass. There was no need to rush, as this day was dedicated to them. "When did this all get so complicated?" she breathed.
Maya smiled, shaking her head. "I don't know, Matthews. I'm still trying to understand Pearl Harbor."
With a slight snicker, the brunette couldn't help but be amused by her friend. No matter how serious a conversation, the sarcastic girl never failed to crack a joke. "I thought about it too, you know?" Riley sighed.
"Pearl Harbor?"
"No," brown eyes rolled. "Us…I thought about us."
"Really?" Maya perked up, curious. "When?"
Placing a boney elbow on the seat behind her, Riley propped her head up and stretched legs out, ready to confront her own confessions. This day had already taken its toll, and it would be unfair to leave Maya with any doubts as to what her own feelings had been. "Do you remember in high school how everyone used to make comments that you and I were 'too close' or that something was going on between us because we were always together?"
"Yeah, I wanted to throw fists," the scrappy girl admitted defensively. "No one ever understood us."
"Maybe…" Riley contemplated, "or maybe they saw something that we were too close to see. Hearing them made me think of that art class where you'd created that abstract painting, the one that looked like chaos…but when you stepped back, it was right there, revealing the picture clearer than ever—the purple cat. So with each of their remarks, I questioned if you and I were like your purple cat…blending in with the surroundings, familiar in the company of chaos, but to everyone else who was more distant, something that made sense... I mean Maya, you were always the person I cared for the most, valued the most, wanted by my side from the day we met." Leaning her weight against the other girl, she exhaled. "I've always loved you, Peaches—more than anything. But when you crawled into my window, what I needed was a best friend. I was so young and just wanted a person to sit with…to talk to. Then as we got older, to the age where we finally understood the romantic relationship side of things, I met Lucas…you encouraged me to be with Lucas. You were the one that dropped me right into his lap. So I went with that, I trusted you to guide me to the right place, and I fell in love with him. Which in a strange way made me feel comforted, because I thought that at least if boyfriends come and go, best friends would last forever…and I never wanted to risk losing you—Now it feels like that's exactly the reason I am."
"You aren't going to lose me, Riles." Maya patted her hand on Riley's knee with reassurance. "We'll always be best friends… Except now we are best friends that let other people into our lives too. We are best friends that support each other's new journeys and understand that it's okay to allow one another to grow, even if that means not growing in the exact same direction." Lifting a fragile finger, she flashed her friendship ring to the other. "You're thunder and I'm lightening, right?"
"Forever." Riley corresponded softly, lifting her own ring up.
"You know what that means, honey? Thunder and lightening don't exist without each other—Farkle says that such a thing would be impossible," Maya smiled. "So don't ever think you could ever lose me. Such a thing…well it would be impossible."
The two girls clasped hands together, solidifying their alliance as they'd done countless times before. It was the only contract in existence with zero loopholes. Riley freed her grasp and returned her head to her palm. "Are you happy, Peaches?"
Caught off guard by the question, the older girl thought on her life and how it had changed so much in the last couple months—how Riley had moved, how she'd had her heart broken, and how she'd lost all hope for her return, forcing her to break out of her comfort zone and be open to meeting her own world. "I am, Riles…I'm happy... When you wanted to talk less, I was hurt and didn't understand; I felt like I'd lost the only person that really mattered. But Lexi was there for me, and helped me out of that dark place. It was good for me to let go, and to move forward. It was good for me to find hope in someone else for a change, and learn that other people can be pretty amazing too if you take the time to listen to them. It's not serious yet, I mean we are still getting to know one another—but she makes me laugh; she makes me feel important, and she has a huge heart for every single person she meets…and I really like her. So yes, honey, I'm happy."
Riley was calmed by her friend's words. She, more than anyone, had witnessed the many struggles Maya had overcome in her life, and happiness was a thing the girl overly deserved. However for herself, she was more puzzled than ever. Maya had sketched out a whole new life in the past month, forged beyond them being distant and less involved in each other's lives, and had somehow come out better for it. Whereas she, on the other hand, still missed Maya every day, felt completely lonely in Austin, and was now here in New York City solely because that had caused such a strain on her relationship with Lucas. He had sent her here to find answers, but it seemed to be filling her with even more questions.
In obvious silence, Maya cocked an eyebrow, wishing she could read minds. "Are you? Are you happy, Riley?"
A/N: Soo...forgive me, haha. I know I said that there were only three more chapters left, but after writing this one, it turned out to be so long that I decided to break it up into two O_o
I apologize that this is all just dragging on for you guys, and you're ready for conclusion. Trust me, I am as well lol. But I have to just put out what comes naturally to me. Please stick around, not too much more to go. I have not changed my mind on the ending or anything of that nature, I know exactly what I want for that last chapter. It's just the meat in between that got a little more wordsy than I'd expected.
-Lauren