Chapter Eighteen: History Repeats
Growing up, Riley had repeatedly heard her dad say that history was filled with missed opportunities—words people had left unsaid, choices people were too terrified to make, and causes no one cared enough to fight for. He had always encouraged her to be her own unique person and to follow her enormous heart wherever it led so that her own life would not repeat that of history and would not be the end result of a strain of missed opportunities. However, sitting on the floor of that apartment next to a person that she cared for so deeply but was now supposed to be growing in a separate direction from, Riley couldn't help but wonder what words she must have left unsaid, choices she must have not made correctly, or causes she'd never fought for. If there were to ever be a history book published about her own life, this is certainly not how she would have wanted it written.
"Riles," Maya broke the silence that had been enduring since she first asked the question. Using a sleeve, she dabbed away a tear that was breaking from the corner of Riley's eye. "Honey…are you not happy?"
Stressed and bewildered, Riley pressed two fingers hard into each of her temples. She wished it were something she could answer as easily as the other girl had, but for some reason it just wasn't. "I really don't know," she breathed. Shoving the blanket off, the brunette stood up and walked towards the fridge, leaving her apprehensive friend behind on the wooden floor. Seeing no alcohol inside the icebox, she closed the cold door and opened the cabinet above—it was where the two had previously stored their wine and liquor contents, but once again there was nothing inside. "Don't you have anything stronger than Diet Coke here, Maya?" It was frustrating, needing something so desperately to make her feel better, but ending up with nothing at all—a pattern it seemed her life had decided to adopt lately.
"Well, actually," the small girl folded the blanket and returned it to its usual location, "Lexi is sober…and it's still kind of fresh, so I don't keep anything here anymore…" Her tone was timid, worried of what her friend would think. Her girlfriend's past had been flooded with her own heartbreaks and turmoil, but she was making every step to heal and recover—it's one of the many reasons Maya had been drawn to her at first; the two shared a mutual goal in overcoming the destructive parts of themselves that worked to destroy the best parts.
"Oh…" Hearing this, it was becoming more and more obvious how much Maya really liked this girl; she was already adjusting her lifestyle around her after only a month of dating? Maya—a person as stubborn as the night is dark…someone that always wanted to do what she wanted, when she wanted to do it, was now altering her home for someone she barely knew? Part of Riley was irked. Part was jealous? No…Maya was happy, so she needed to be happy for her as well. This was a good thing, her best friend letting her guard down and putting effort into a real relationship. But it didn't feel good. If she were to be honest, it felt abysmal. It took hardly any time at all for this to not be her and Maya's place anymore, but instead Maya's with accents of this new person. How long would it be before Riley was no longer visible in the apartment at all? Would the bay window be their spot eventually? Austin didn't feel like home, and now she was starting to understand this was not home either. Riley couldn't keep doing this—bouncing from place to place, person to person, in search of some miraculous revelation. Everyone around her was where they belonged, living the life they were destined to live, but she was so lost in the universe, too far to even see the sun anymore. And god, did she need a drink.
Noticing Riley's shrunken demeanor, Maya discerned something was incredibly off. She barely recognized the girl she was looking at, as there was no trace of joy or light resonating from any inch of her lanky body—it was like looking at a carcass. The idea made her stomach churn. "Riles…" Stepping into the kitchen, the blonde adjusted Riley's long hair away from the girl's face, setting it to the sides of her shoulders, and inspected her hauntingly dimmed eyes. "Do you…maybe want to get out of here?" She asked softly, unsure of how to help.
Like glass crashing into cement, Riley broke. The weight was too heavy to carry alone any longer, as she was so depleted. Falling hard against Maya's small frame, she buried herself into the girl's shoulder, unleashing every single drop her ducts had been struggling to restrain, and every single emotion she'd held captive within. The desolate young woman wasn't just crying, she was sobbing, struggling to catch breath. "Please," Riley begged with a rising and falling chest, "please get me out of here."
"Hey…" Maya held on tight, rubbing the girl's back up and down, trying to calm her sporadic gasps. Her heart panged with each exhale she received amongst the top of her clavicle. "It's okay. I've got you," she repeated again and again waiting for Riley's body to relax. "Always, I've got you." Refusing to let go, her legs were firm in their stance and committed to support her best friend's burden in that spot for however long was necessary—even if it took all day…even if it took forever.
Eventually able to steady herself, Riley straightened and beheld Maya with an apologetic face, though she knew that the other wanted nothing of the sort. "Where can we even go?" she asked, voice still hoarse. Catching a glimpse of her appearance in the mirror behind, mascara was smudged across her cheeks, and clothes were disastrously unkempt. Her face was pale, with swollen eyes. It was probably the worst she'd ever looked and it was definitely no way to embrace the public in New York City. "I'm a mess."
"I know a place," Maya's mouth lifted in a consoling smile.
Grabbing keys, she walked to the front door and held it open as Riley stepped out. They descended in the elevator, Riley attempting to tidy up as best she could the entire ride down. After making a quick stop at a convenience store, the girls trekked down the sidewalk along the very short walk to a recently remodeled art studio.
…
"Wow, Maya," Riley gazed all around, soaking up the surroundings. It was stunning. Each wall was covered from top to bottom with various portraits the artist had created. Colors surged throughout the entire space. She'd never seen anything like it—so much energy and purpose was pouring out of each frame, a strong and resilient force destined to be noticed. The entire studio was just…Maya. It was perfect. "This is amazing."
Opening the wine bottle they'd bought from the store, Maya tipped it into a couple of plastic cups and then passed one off to Riley. "It's not done yet," she shrugged. "I can't figure out the lights. It was originally fluorescents in here, which was horrendous, so I put these new fixtures up with soft bulbs, but I don't know. It still just seems weird." Holding the cup forward, they gestured a cheers and then each took a sip.
"Well I don't know anything about lighting, and I'm completely ignorant when it comes to all of this stuff," Riley motioned around the room, "but I do know that personally my favorite place to look at your art was always outside. There was something about the way the sun hit each groove that brought the whole painting to life." Walking over to a couple of steps that separated the layers of the studio, she plopped down on the top one.
"Hmm…" the shorter girl racked her brain. "How could I get more sunlight in here? I have to display those paintings in the window to draw people inside. If I take those away, no one will ever step foot in this place." Maya took another sip lost in thought, and edged her feet backwards to sit next to Riley. "You know for a cheap bottle, this stuff isn't so bad."
Chuckling, the younger girl nodded. "I was just thinking the same thing! I mean headaches are guaranteed for tomorrow, but for ten dollars who even cares?"
"I feel like I'm back in freshman year of college." She was reminiscing about the many parties the pair had attended together throughout those university years—each one ending the same way—Riley was such a lightweight and would take on a buzz quickly, getting sleepy soon after 10PM. Maya, always the protective guardian, would take no hesitation in ushering the younger girl back to their apartment at the first sign of a yawn. Swirling the drink around, she eyed it mischievously. "Hey, Riles? Drinking game?"
Immediately excited by the idea of any game, Riley perked up. "Oh?" she questioned. "What kind of game?"
"How about instead of Truth or Dare, we just play Truths. We ask questions and if one of us doesn't want to answer, we have to take a sip?" Maya rose to retrieve the bottle so that they'd have it handy in the event of refills. Settling back in, she volunteered to go first. "So what do you really think about the studio? Do you honestly think I stand a chance? Rent is outrageous in this part of town, so I'd have to do fairly well on sales to stay afloat, and I guess lately I've just been worried that I won't be good enough."
What a bizarre thing to even worry about, Riley thought to herself. She couldn't comprehend how someone so talented could be so blind to her own potential. "Maya…how can you question that? You've done such an amazing job here, and you're the most creative and determined person in my life. You are going to succeed. It doesn't take a drinking game for me to tell you that." Tapping her knee against the other girl's leg to solidify her statement, she took a sip anyway, despite answering the question.
"Your turn."
Thinking for a couple seconds, Riley wondered how soon was too soon to ask what had really been on her heart this weekend. Generally in Truth or Dare, the game is played through a gradual build to the more audacious, but in this instance time was limited and she had come here for answers. "Do you think I made a mistake moving to Austin?"
Instinctively raising her glass to avoid the question, Maya could see Riley's disappointment by her response. Before tipping it against her lips, she reluctantly returned it to the step untouched and decided to brave this one. "No, Riles, I don't." As much as she'd like to say she was lying, she wasn't. Riley's journey had led her exactly to that place, and to do anything else would have surely left the girl with regret. "No matter what happened, or will happen, you had to at least try. No one learns anything without taking a risk, honey, you just have to follow where your heart leads and go from there."
"See everyone says that, but that's the thing," Riley was drinking more now, embracing the numbness that came along with the bitter taste. "Have I ever really followed my heart? Since I was a child I always just tried to do the right thing and to make everyone else happy, and now it's as though I blinked and have no idea where I am. This isn't my life, Maya."
"What do you mean this isn't your life?"
Riley, feeling warm, removed her cropped jacket and tossed it on the ledge next to the steps. Running fingers through her spiraled hair, she wavered. Twenty-two years seemed basically wasted if the future were to resemble anything like the present. "For as long as I can remember, I've followed the path that was expected of me, because I didn't want to let anyone down. I've prioritized everyone else's opinions over my own—because I wanted everyone I loved to be happy or to be heard. I mean gosh, even in Texas I was in a constant battle trying to do what I thought would make Lucas happy, or what would make you happy. When have I ever just made a choice to do what makes me happy? My entire life has been based on listening to someone else. You pushed me to be with Lucas, so I was. My mom told me that NYU was a wonderful school and that she loved it, so I went there. Lucas wanted to move to Austin, so I moved. He wanted me to rely on you less, so I tried that. When do I ever just make a decision for myself, Maya? When have I ever trusted myself? I mean I'm here in New York with you right now because he told me to come, even when I said I didn't want to, that I wanted to stay to work on our relationship, he told me to come so I came. How did I become this person that has no voice?" Riley closed her eyes, shaking her head, slightly dizzy. It was everything she'd been contemplating, but had been too afraid to speak aloud.
Maya, unsure of if this was a question she was supposed to answer, but knowing it was nothing she was nearly ready to tackle, emptied the red cup into her throat. The burn was barely noticed, as the situation was more uncomfortable than any drink could be. "Riley, I'm going to ask you again. I want an answer this time," she paused, turning the girl's face towards her own. "Are you happy?"
"No…No, I'm not happy." Peering out towards the top of the windows, Riley took notice of the tiny light that crept in through the top of the easels placed on the windowsill. The sun was begging to break inside, to rob the place of all darkness, but large obstacles were standing in the way, preventing any chance of this. Perhaps in trying to put up a front to please the rest of the world, you block out what would naturally shine in and ignite the magnificence inside. "I'm lonely…I miss my old life, I miss my family and I miss you. I love Lucas, and he loves me, but I can't even really be me if I'm there. I struggle to write in all of the quiet, I struggle to wake up and find meaning in an empty house while he's away all day, I struggle to think of building our own family there, away from my parents, and now I struggle to think of your life moving on in a way where I know nothing about it. This is just not what I wanted at all…"
It was sad—that's the only word Maya could use to describe it. It was sad that Riley, someone she would have guaranteed could thrive no matter where she was, was now sitting next to her in shambles. Riley was right, she had encouraged her to be with Lucas, encouraged her even to move with him, positive that the guy was her happily ever after. But somehow in letting her go, she'd let her get lost. This beneficent soul of a person who would do anything for anyone, had given too much and now had nothing left for herself. "I'm really sorry, Riles. I didn't know…" the appropriate words were hard to come by. She racked her brain trying to be of some use, until finally landing on something suitable. "Do you remember what I told you about your book when you called me? I told you that the best thing about writing it is that it's never to late to change your story; that you should put down what you were feeling at the time, and if later you want to rework it completely, you could. Nothing has been published here, honey, and there is nothing stopping you from changing your ending…maybe you just need a second draft?"
"How can I do that? How can I go and break his heart, after I made a promise to be the one holding it together?"
"Well," Maya took in a breath and then let it out. "Take it from someone that was in love with you…there's nothing more important to us than your happiness. Lucas sent you here to find your answers, Riley, he wants you happy too. It's time you start wanting that for yourself—demanding it for yourself. No one can read your mind, as much as I like to pretend that I can. So that voice you say you don't have anymore? Find it. Use it."
Taking in her best friend's advice, Riley laid her weight on the lap beside, comforted by a small hand resting upon her dangling arm. "My turn," she iterated. "Do you think that you and I would have ever worked, if things hadn't played out how they did? If one of us would have had enough courage to speak up before everything got so complicated?"
Stilled, Maya felt awkward. What was the point of asking this question? To torture her? Every day she wondered what she could have done differently to change the outcome. Every day she hated herself for not at least trying, for not throwing all fear of drowning away and jumping right into the ocean. But that wasn't the reality. They'd made their choices, stayed in the security of what they'd already known, and had let the chips fall where they must. Grabbing the bottle with a clank as it hit the ceramic step, she refilled, and then gulped down—not to avoid the question, but instead to buy a minute before answering. "You said it earlier, Riles. You needed a best friend, and so did I. I don't know if we would have worked out as more than that, but I don't have to. I wouldn't change any of the moments we've had if it meant risking having nothing at all."
Riley smiled, appreciative for the very long journey they'd been on together. Eight billion people in the world, and the universe had seen it fit to place her soul mate just a subway ride away. What were the odds? "I like that answer, Peaches. I'd never have wanted nothing at all with you either."
"Same question for you. Do you think it would have ever worked?" Maya inquired, nosily. She didn't know why she asked though, as whatever answer was to follow would certainly make what she'd been feeling even worse. If Riley said no, then it would just be cementing the obvious—that the love she held for the young woman was always meant to fail. However, if Riley said yes, it was just another token to place in the bank of her regrets for not acting when she should have.
With no intermission, Riley replied. "Definitely." Turning over, she looked up into those bolstering blue eyes. "I told you, you were always the person I needed the most, the one that I always wanted by my side—if there ever would have been a world where it was me and you…we would have ruled it."
Fighting a giant lump in her throat, Maya swallowed. She wanted more than anything to take the girl into an embrace, to kiss her, and to spend the rest of the night erasing everything in the past that had brought them to this point. There could have been a chance? Tears were threatening to break free. That fucking train ride, she just had to let go of that slender trusting hand and release the girl into the arms of another. She shouldn't have let go—she should have held on with every muscle she had in her body to keep Riley in her grasp forever. But she didn't. And now it was too late. Riley was fragmented, and needed more than anything to find her own way…meanwhile, Maya had been wrecked and was finally able to put the pieces back together, with no intention of ever allowing herself to be vulnerable to that same heartbreak again…Fucking missed opportunities. Trying to change the subject before any bad decision could be made, she attuned her position so that the other would sit up from her lap. "So…" it was hard to shake her tensions, "what are you going to do about Lucas?"
Riley, having an empty cup, took the bottle and tilted it directly into her mouth before passing it off to her friend. "I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago, Maya—I'm going to speak up."
A/N: So now you see why I had to break this chapter and the previous one up into two, haha. It just grew into something much longer than I'd first anticipated. Almost certain though that there are only two chapters left for this conclusion. I will wait to post them until I can do them both at the same time, as I want there to be no gaps between those. Just want to say one last time before this is over how much I have appreciated all of your feedback and how grateful I am that anyone stuck through this until the end. It's been so fun for me to write, and hopefully one day I will see you guys on another story :)
Until then, "Dream. Try. Do good."
-Lauren