Chapter Nineteen: A Final Stopping Place
Heels clacked through the automatic doors leading to passenger pickup. Outside it was hot and humid, the typical climate of Austin, and Riley could already feel her hair starting to frizz. After tying it up loosely, she removed the light jacket she had worn for the flight and stuffed it into her bag. It was noon on a Sunday so the airport was flooded with many return travellers, all of them eagerly awaiting their ride back home—all except for one. The young woman's stomach was riddled with insecurity and the Pepto she'd been chugging since waking up was no longer doing the trick. Vehicles were lined up all down the lane, but lifting to the tips of her toes she still could not spot Lucas's truck.
She checked her phone, noticing she'd forgotten to take it off airplane mode. Instantly it dinged with a myriad of alerts—one from Maya asking for guarantee of safe landing, many from Lucas updating her on his ETA, and a couple from her parent's questioning why she hadn't made time to see them during her trip to New York. Riley silenced it once she sent a brief reply to Maya, and relocated herself to a cement bench near the exit. If his latest ETA was accurate, she'd have about fifteen more minutes to kill, so she took the time to clear her mind and brainstorm how on earth she was supposed to initiate what would surely be the worst conversation she'd ever had with the boy. The whole thing was a mess, as their two lives were now completely intertwined together—it wasn't a teenage relationship that could be ended and resolved with no collateral damage; they were parts of each others' families, they'd moved two thousand miles and bought a house together, planned their future to be one they'd share. Riley was riddled with second thoughts as the gravity and consequences of the situation were sinking in and weighing her down. She needed comfort. She needed strength. She needed her dad.
Dialing his number, it was a perfect time for him to be available. By this hour in Greenwich Village, Cory would be finished with his lunch and taking a short rest before prepping his lesson plans for the upcoming week—the man was a creature of habit. It took only two rings for him to answer. "Dad? Do you have a second?"
"Of course, honey, always for you. Did you make it back okay?" the TV volume on the other line lowered quickly. "I had breakfast with Shawn and Maya this morning and she'd mentioned you went to see her this weekend. Couldn't make time for your old parents, ya traitor?"
He laughed, but Riley knew her father was disappointed to have missed a chance to see his daughter. Truthfully, it hadn't even occurred to her to go see them. The days had been so hectic and rushed that they'd flown by leaving no gaps for her attention drift onto anything outside of her sole purpose for being there. "I'm sorry," she paused, hoping that apology was good enough for now. "Dad?"
It was easy for the man to tell when something was bothering Riley. His oldest had always been the most expressive of his children, when she was happy her voice would echo with the bounce of a Disney song, light and joyous and melodic, his favorite sound in the world. But this was not that voice—this was the one that was dense and solemn, the one that would emerge whenever the girl's optimism would stray from it's usual place in her heart. Cory didn't hear this one often, but it was always painful when he did. "I'm here, Riley. What's going on?"
Clenching her eyes closed, she imagined herself sitting with the man in her former home. He'd be at the end of the kitchen table and she'd be on the bench seat to his left. That was where she'd gone to him for advice countless times as she'd grown from a child into a young woman, and it's where she wished she were in that moment. How easy things had been when she was younger, in the blanket of security her parents offered, dealing with issues far simpler than the ones being an adult presented. But having her father with her now, even through a phone call, made her brave. If there was one person in the world that would have faith in her, and trust her to follow where her heart led, even into the scary unknown, it was Cory Matthews—and sometimes all a person needs is that one person to let them know that everything will be okay. "I'm going to leave Lucas..." She lingered on the words. It was the first time she'd said it aloud, to herself or to anyone else. While it made her sad, it also made her feel liberated, as if just speaking the phrase and accepting it was the largest step she'd have to take and the rest could be one inch at a time. "I'm not happy here, and I don't think I ever will be…"
"How long have you felt like this?" he asked. He was surprised, as he'd assumed things were going well between the two. Phone calls had been far and few between since the girl had moved to Texas, but he'd equated that to Riley being busy and preoccupied with her new journey. "Why didn't you say something?"
"I've felt like this for a while…since we first got here basically. And I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to admit that I was failing. I kept trying to push through it, and to do the things I thought would make it better, but nothing is working. It's like the harder I try to fix it, the more it breaks me in return." She ran her fingers along the edge of the cement, letting the roughness vibrate against the tips of her nails. There was always something calming about keeping her hands busy when she was anxious—a way of keeping her body resolute when her mind was anything but.
"You haven't failed, dear, not even a little bit. There is no failure in trying. Do you remember when we went over Edison and the light bulb? You've just found a way that won't work, and that's okay. You just have to keep trying until you find one that will."
Always a history lesson, she grinned, soothed by the guy's consistency. Hearing a door close in the background, she knew her mom had probably just arrived. Sundays this time of year she was usually busy toting Auggie around to whatever sports practice he had. "Riley" was whispered over the line, and she could picture her mother nodding and then taking a spot next to her father for the rest of the call. They'd been together forever, but still remained side by side for anything life threw at them. "How do I get out of this? We bought a house together, everything is just so complicated. I invested almost all of my savings into this."
He took a few moments and then spoke up. "There's nothing that should prevent you from trying to find what makes you happy, Riley. It may be messy and complicated, but if it's what you truly need to do then don't be afraid or discouraged by the effort it may take. You may be broke for a little while when you two are working out the details, but it's better than being broken. So just breathe, and always know you aren't alone in any aspect of your life. Your mother and I are always here, whether it be for a place to stay until you get back on your feet, or just a hug to keep you warm, we are here. You're going to be just fine."
Riley relaxed and leaned her back into the support behind. "Hey?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me, we love you. Let us know how it goes with Lucas, and then when you decide what comes next, we will be the first in line to see it."
After ensuring she loved them too, they said goodbyes and she slipped the phone back into her purse. She was so fortunate to have her parents, the rocks that her entire foundation was built upon. She yearned for their company again, the proximity, and if there was one thing the phone call had taught her, it was that she wasn't ready to live in a world without them—For if she were to have any chance of rediscovering her own voice, she'd need to surround herself with the ones that were always the best at listening to it, and amplifying it as if it were the most important one on the planet.
…
Lost in thought, Lucas almost went unnoticed as he retrieved her suitcase and tossed it into the bed of his truck. "Oh, hey," she chimed while he walked back towards her and took her slender body into his own, "Sorry, I didn't even see you." His smile was bright and warm, keeping no secret of how excited he was to have his girlfriend back. They'd only spent two days apart, however from his greeting the girl would have sworn she'd been gone an entire year. Guilt was knocking in her gut. Breaking free of his squeeze, she climbed up into her seat and shut the door.
"I missed you so damn much, babe." He lifted the top of her hand, pressing his lips against it. "You have no idea how relieved I am to have you home with me."
"I missed you too, Lucas," she said truthfully, remaining careful of word choice. "How was your weekend?"
He put the truck in drive and weaved out of the pickup lane. Keeping eyes on the road, his fingers blindly found the air conditioner knob and cranked it up to full blast. "Well my weekend was actually pretty good. Guess who came in to town for a couple days?"
Not in the mood for a guessing game, Riley relented straightaway. "I don't know, who?" She was feigning interest, but it was difficult to think of anything except for the verdict she'd returned to deliver.
"Zay!" Lucas's voice lifted. "He's on home-pass, so he came to see his family this weekend before going back to North Carolina. All day yesterday he hung with me at the house—we fixed the fence, put up those shutters you wanted on the front windows, and then stayed up way too late eating wings and trying to run through the original Halo campaign." He laughed, gratified to have had the rare time with his friend. "We didn't even make it halfway through, clearly old age has taken its toll on our Xbox skills." The sun was exceptionally bright, casting a large glare through the windshield. Pulling down an overhead compartment, he found his dark sunglasses and slipped them on. "Zay said to tell you hello, and that the next time he comes to town you owe him a batch of cookies."
Next time, the brunette lingered on the words. Good gosh, how long was this small talk supposed to last? Glancing down at the GPS on the screen, the arrival time was a dreadful forty-five minutes away—Forty-five minutes she'd have to sit with him pretending as though all was normal…pretending as though there would be a next time? "I'm glad you guys had a nice visit." Focusing out of the window, Riley hoped that if her attention was elsewhere he might allow the rest of the ride to be a silent one. Maybe she could just close her eyes and pretend to be asleep until pulling into their driveway, a last ditch effort to prolong the calm before the storm.
Oblivious to her hints, Lucas continued on with their dialogue. "What about you, did you have a good trip? ...Were you able to find the answers you were looking for?"
Picking up on his tone, she could sense his nerves—he didn't want to fill the void with small talk either, but he wasn't going to allow silence. Reassurance was what the young man wanted, for his girlfriend to tell him that she'd realized home was with him and that she'd never question it again. Perhaps if he knew where the road was leading, he'd have preferred the last moments of ignorance. "Yeah…" her voice was soft, realizing that stalling was a moot point. Whether it would take place now, or in forty-five minutes, the outcome would be the same. "I guess I did, Lucas."
Letting out a sigh, he was comforted. "That's great, babe. I have to say I was a little worried when I didn't hear from you at all yesterday—I thought maybe you finally realized you were too good for me and were avoiding calling to let me know." Lucas joked, locking their hands as he rested his elbow on the center console, and smiled. "I was so relieved when you asked me to come pick you back up today. I swear, I must have straightened up the house three times this morning because I wanted everything to be perfect for when you walk in that door."
This was getting worse…when had she said she decided to stay? Did she say it and not realize? Riley replayed the conversation in her head—no, she definitely hadn't said it. Was just her returning to Austin implication that her choice was to remain there? The boy couldn't seriously think that regardless of her decision, she wouldn't come back to talk about it with him in person, could he? "Lucas—"
"Just wait until you see the house, Riley, those shutters look so damn good. Dare I say, our work is done and we can finally just relax for the time being."
Why could he never read her? For seven years they had been together, but the boy was no closer to solving her puzzle than he was on the first day they had met. Were people just so inclined to hear what they wanted to hear that they'd completely ignore anything outside of their own indulgence? Her head pounded, hating herself for letting things get this far. Riley had come back determined to be heard—determined to build a new life solely on the pillars that would keep her own heart sturdy. But here she was in Lucas's truck, barely back on solid ground, and already she was getting caught up in a plan that wasn't hers. It clicked that this would never change—a person that continuously bends to the will of others eventually has to sacrifice their own backbone for flexibility…but how could she ever stand tall with no backbone? How could she ever meet her own world if she was too hunched over to look it directly in the eyes? While the uncertainty of change was scary, the idea of no change was even more terrifying. This was not the city she wanted to live in, this was not the story she wanted to write, and this was no longer the ride she wanted to be on. She thought of her dad's words, clinging to them for any hope to get through this. It was time to speak up. She'd already missed too many opportunities, and this was not going to be one of them. Riley looked over, wishing she could see through dark lenses to appreciate his charming blue eyes one last time before she'd forfeit all privilege to them. However, they were shielded and averted towards the road ahead, as he had no reason to look elsewhere. "Lucas, pull over…please just pull over."
"What's wrong? Do you feel sick?" He checked the side of his door and pulled out a small vial of Dramamine. "Here, take one of these, it'll help if you—"
"I'm not sick," The young woman was becoming irritated. "I want you to pull over. Anywhere, I don't care, I just need everything to stop."
Instantly worried, he complied and exited the interstate at the first prospect. There was an empty truck stop not too far down the road that would have to suffice. As soon as the vehicle stopped, his girlfriend was unclicking her seat belt, jumping outside, and hurrying away, forgetting to close the door behind her. "What is going on?" Lucas questioned, attempting to keep up with the girl's fast pace. Unanswered, he grabbed hold of Riley's arm to halt her footsteps. "Just talk to me, Riley. Did I do something wrong?"
"No, Lucas," she replied immediately, "Of course you didn't do anything wrong. You've been nothing but perfect for as long as I've known you." Riley's throat was weak, fighting against the emotions building inside. Guiding him to a wooden picnic table, they sat hand in hand. "You asked me if I found my answers while I was away, and I did. My answer is that I have no answer."
Confused, he removed his sunglasses and folded them up on the table. "What are you trying to tell me, Riley? Am I supposed to understand that?"
She exhaled, not even sure if she knew what she was saying. "It means that I have no idea what I want. For so long I've listened to everyone around me, and have followed the path wherever it led, but now it's like I'm standing in the middle of the woods with no clue where I am or how to get back home. I can't keep doing this, Lucas, I can't keep repeating the same pattern, expecting things to eventually just fall into place." Riley looked at him tearfully, "I don't know what I want, but I do know this isn't it—I can't live here."
"Oh…" it was all that was manageable as his cluttered mind tried to piece together what the conclusion to this conversation would be. He'd begun the day with optimism, encouraged by his girlfriend's homecoming, positive this was all they needed to get back on track. She'd gotten in his truck, said she missed him, and asked him about his weekend, as if all was normal and they'd moved past any bumps on the ride home where they belonged. "Wait, babe, I'm sorry—what does this mean exactly?"
"I can't believe I'm actually saying this," she whispered to herself or to him or to both. "This isn't where I'm supposed to be. I don't belong here, as much as I tried to convince myself and to convince you that I did, I just don't." She wrapped her arms around her knees, tucked up on the seat. "I'm so sorry, Lucas, more than I can ever express to you, I'm sorry. This isn't how I wanted things to go at all."
Lucas felt his chest tighten, and his face flushed. It was so hot outside, sun beating down with hardly any breeze, and a lack of trees in the vicinity prevented all chance of shade. He was wearing only a white t-shirt, however it felt as trapping as a knit sweater in the extreme heat, and the pressure of her words. If this wasn't how it felt to have the world end, it was surely close. He wiped the beads of sweat away from his forehead. "Do you want us to move back to New York?" he asked, running through all the ideas he could in desperation to save this. "I can see about transferring to a school over there, and we can go wherever you need to go. I don't want you to be miserable, Riley, I promised you a long time ago that I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel happy and safe, and I meant that."
"You can't do that though," she tucked a fallen strand of hair behind her ear. Her loose bun was on the verge of coming undone in the commotion. "This is where you want to be, and the place that you need to stay to succeed. New York is where I need to be, with my family and my friends, and my familiarity."
He knew it was true. Since he was a teenager, he'd had his future planned out, knowing exactly what he wanted to do with his life. Austin was always his goal; it was rooted deep in his veins and the only place he desired to live. It made sense for him to be there, to stay where he'd have a real shot of opening his own office and treating large animals. But the idea of losing the woman he loved for that made him want to throw up. "What if we did long distance? I know it would be hard, but we could make it work, Riley. We can do it."
Riley rubbed his back, and leaned her head against his solid shoulder. She too had thought of long distance as an option on her flight back, but every way it played out ended with the same result—he'd still want to be in Texas and she still wouldn't. There was no changing the inevitable. "Lucas, I love you. I have loved you for a very long time, and something that's always inspired me about you is that you have such a passion for your dream. You've worked your whole life towards attaining this one thing, and now it's finally falling into place for you. I still remember our talk when we were kids when your eyes lit up telling me about how you wanted to be a veterinarian and save horses. That is what you are meant to do—here, in your home, you are meant to do that." She sighed and watched as an 18-wheeler drove across the gravel in the lot. It was funny, the thought that this truck had been all over the world, crossing city to city, but never stayed in one place. The person inside merely stopping to rest before continuing on to the next destination—how exhausted they must be to never really be home. "Long distance would just be prolonging the same conversation we're having right now. I wish I could say that it would be different down the road, but if we are really honest with ourselves, it wouldn't. We want different things, and neither of us should have to compromise on something this important—not you, and not me. We deserve more than half a dream, Lucas. We deserve the whole thing."
Placing a tender kiss to the top of her head, he smelled her hair knowing it would be for one of the last times he'd have the chance. Her body fit perfectly against his side, and the idea of someone else ever taking that position was unfathomable. They'd grown together, forged as one. There was an impression of her that would be with him for the rest of his life. "What are you going to do?" He asked, calm. The wind finally blew a relief in the midst of the heat, and as much as his heart was broken, he wanted more than anything for Riley's to be whole again.
"Well," she straightened up, wiping her eyes with her forearm. "I'm going to figure that out. I don't know what my next steps are, but I'm only twenty-two. At some point in my life I decided I had to be grown and have all of the answers, with a clear path ahead. But my trip showed me that I really don't have any at all—I think I still have a lot to learn, and to discover about myself, and that's okay. So for now, I'll just listen to what my heart tells me until one day my heart won't just be a voice, it will be everything I'm basking in—it will be the sunlight shining light on my entire world."
The two remained quiet at the picnic table, neither quite ready to leave the moment. There was a stillness and peace around them, finally able to enjoy each other's presence without the burden of words or complications or attempts to resolve their problems. They simply sat in silence appreciating the long and meaningful journey they had been on together, taking in each second they'd have left before saying goodbye.
Riley breathed in the fresh air, no longer having trouble pushing it through her lungs—no longer overwhelmed by what lay ahead. She'd taken a step today, not away from something but towards something, a gesture that was enough to make her feel the slightest bit like herself again. There was no way to predict what life would look like in a week, or a month, or a year—as it would certainly be the start of undetermined chapters she'd never written similar to before, but they were ones she was hopeful to embark on and see through. Remembering her best friend's words, Riley was reinvigorated knowing that no matter where her story led, it was never too late to rework completely and change her own ending into one she'd be proud of.