Ten Points From Gryffindor

by Crazy Immaturity

"Why Prongsie here likes Lily? I'm pretty sure she's frigging herself in the bathroom screaming his name.". McGonagall swelled like a bullfrog. "That is utterly disrespectful and disgusting of you, Black. Ten points from Gryffindor.". James and Sirius laughed and asked for ten more. "Grow up, Sirius.". Remus rolled his eyes. For mature audiences. Sixth Year.

Don't ask - just read it. For mature audiences.

Chapter 1 - How It Started

"And finally! One hour!". Sirius proclaimed.

The four of the Marauders were all grouped in a circle, facing inwards towards a lone toothbrush that was laid, brush up on the floor. Why this was done would later be explained, and elaborated, but it was very important to watch the very toothbrush, as James had said, the Toothbrush Of Forgiveness ( which was the name of the toothbrush they were all staring at ) was a rather strenuous task which James had bestowed upon them.

"All right, boys, time to wake up, it isn't showing anything.". Sirius said, rising and grabbing Remus's shoulders to steady himself. Remus ignored his friend, but stood up anyways, quickly followed by Peter, whose squinty eyes meant he was sleeping. James glared up.

"Lads, just a few minutes longer, I'd say, and we'd see something.".

"I'd say the visions are for tossers and wankers. You're not either, aren't you?". Sirius asked inquisitively, giving a curious face.

James laughed sarcastically. He sat for a few more minutes, scrutinizing the blue toothbrush, and then stood up, realizing how much time he had wasted. It was nothing more than a fruitless endeavor, he reminded himself. He could've sworn though, that he heard Lily's voice coming through the toothbrush when he used it.

"James, you're a bright chap, but with all that's going on, I think you're thinking out of your bell end.". Sirius commented, twirling a finger through his curly hair. Remus exhaled sharply.

"Sirius, speak more politely.". He chastised monotonously. "James, what I think, is that you are having some, ah…. hallucinations of you and Lily, and that it might be ignited due to the fact that there was something in your mouth.". Sirius shook his head, muttering something that sounded like he's barmy, dead from the bloody neck up, and James opened his mouth, but found no retaliation.

Sirius sniggered. "With tongue, then, or no tongue?". Remus shot him a dirty look, whilst Peter squealed and covered his ears like a prepubescent virgin.

"Dirty minded mutt. I was not thinking of tonguing Lily, even if the scene sounds horrifically fascinating to me. The toothbrush said, `Oh, James!', I swear it did!". James insisted.

The rest groaned, with Peter repeating something that sounded like Oh, Neil, whilst Sirius started choking on his own spit. Remus himself sat down on the floor in barely concealed misery.

"Why didn't you elaborate sooner! We could've saved an hour of our time!". Remus interjected angrily. James looked deeply hurt and confused, and Remus started remembering the calming lessons he had with his mother. In, out. In, out.

"What I mean is, that your Lily might be just a consequence of your otherworldly infatuation with her and that you might have had a… ah tantalizing episode in the shower.". With this, Remus heard some noises which were definitely not one of a healthy human body.

"Sirius, I don't think it's such a noble and painful way to die by choking on one's own spit. I certainly will not cry for you during the funeral. Now stand up, and behave.". When Sirius remained motionless on the ground, Remus turned to Peter.

"Do it.".

At this, Sirius desperately jumped upward, screaming and grabbing Remus's leg.

"Remus, don't make him do it. He'll kill me this time, and for sure. Please!".

Remus made a disgruntled noise - he wasn't a fan of people touching him, especially near to his lower regions, and shook the sixth year off. James looked at the toothbrush in disappointment, and walked off. Peter followed. Sirius shook his head absentmindedly, no doubt plagued about the horror and nightmarish visions of Peter doing it. It had only happened once, and it had only led to the infamous Split Ends Debacle, but many still dreaded Peter's 'doing it'.

"Come on, Muh-hoony. We've got McGoogle's next.".

Trying not to look to exacerbated in front of his friends, Remus traced the footsteps of his friend, and watched with a tired indifference as Sirius and James planned their next prank. They tackled him with solutions to issues, but at the sight of his pale face, they decided to talk about the length of the day, and the hope that it would never end, for today was the full moon, and Remus's transformations were always excruciating.

"Say, Remus, how about that fine piece of ass.". Sirius remarked on Glending Queendore. His eyes never left on her swaying behind, even when he walked into a suit of armor.

"Sirius, stop judging women by their body frame.". Remus chastised tonelessly, and almost staggered across the door. James and Sirius took note of this, and offered him both their shoulders, which he gratefully accepted. They managed to reach the table, with Remus's world completely spinning. Remus laughed weakly as McGonagall instantly rushed over to assess the werewolf. It seemed she knew what to do, but was resisted by a drowsy Remus.

"Hah, hah? Look at four eyes.". Remus, whose mental state completely deteriorated during times like this when he was exhausted before a full moon, began grabbing McGonagall's nose. Sirius started laughing. James, however, looked concerned, and with a glare at Sirius they executed the Fourteenth RJL. Failsafe Plan for Furry Accidents and Alarming Symptoms, which was to burst into a riotous tribal dance. Sirius jumped on a table and started thrusting his pelvic area into the direction of the girls, who started sighing and smiling, and James hollered at the top of his voice and did an African dance around the room.

McGonagall, who was already disturbed by one of her best students turn into a rambling infant, was equally more so, as she turned her head to see Sirius standing on her desk, and entertaining the girls, with James holding sticks he conjured up and screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Stop. STOP. STOP!". Sirius, who was midway through a genital thrust, stepped on one of her CONFIDENTIAL papers, and slid off the table, inadvertently upending all the documents, graded essays, inkpots, and the batch of ginger newts all around the floor. The girls screamed as carnage enveloped them in the form of papers, black ink, and biscuits.

Sirius dropped to the floor, groaning and nursing his arms as he opened his eyes and saw heaven. There he was, surrounded with girls and food, and he closed his eyes, but thrown out of his reverie by Professor McGonagall, who berated him on his stupidity. He lifted himself up to his feet, and immediately stooped down to his feet to pick off a few fallen newts and shove them into his mouth. McGonagall wrinkled her nose in distaste, clearly disgusted.

"Good texture. Strange, peppery flavor though. Really accentuates the tartiness.". Sirius licked his fingers, and scooped some more off the ground.

"Mr Black, I have had to warn you, several times, that the floor is not sanitary to a satisfactory manner enough to be able to dine right off it.". McGonagall waved her wand, and all the documents rearranged themselves on the shelves of on her table. To deal with James, however, she didn't see Sirius nick off one parcel named Sixth Years and tuck it into his robes.

Peter, who felt left out when missing out on the action, decided to attempt a mimic of Sirius's groin thrusting and clambered onto his own desk. The girls all shielded their eyes. His attempt, however, gained no favor from the crowd, and when he accidentally 'thrusted' too hard, he fell off the desk, dropping like a stone, and was knocked out cold. James and Sirius found this very funny, and was greatly amused, but rushed to the aid of Remus, who was sleeping peacefully on two conjoined desks.

"All right, everyone. I know we gave you a proper right show, and we knew you were all mighty pleased, but make way for us. Remus here needs some medical attention.". James called out as Sirius called out a threatening or else.

"What's wrong with him?". A boy in the crowd inquired.

"Genital warts.". Sirius burst out.

The entire class broke into fits of sniggering, and Sirius paled considerably due to the spanking Remus was going to give him. James almost dropped Remus as he roared in laughter. They carried him to the Hospital Wing, accompanied by McGonagall, who incessantly complained about only needing one person to carry Remus. Sirius, however, argued that Remus had separation anxiety, and needed emotional support, even if he was unconscious.

"Madam Pompy! Pom Poms! Moony here needs help!". The matron exhaled quietly, and she turned around with a large, however forced smile on her face. Madam Pomfrey conjured up a stretcher, and told McGonagall that she would take it from here, implying she would take the children. McGonagall tried to lead Sirius and James out of the ward, but they put up a good fight.

"But please, Minnie! Remus is such a dear friend of ours, and he would most likely be ostracized by the other patients for his unusual qualities.".

McGonagall glowered at James, and turned to Sirius as he began speaking. It seemed he was trying to redeem himself for his past mishap.

"You know, the qualities he has that makes him so popular with girls. His extra large penis? Yeah, that. Also his scars, which make him look manly.".

McGonagall swelled indignantly and was about to dish out a few hundred detentions when the trio heard a rasping voice say, "James, and Sirius? Where are they?". This was followed by the soothing voice of the matron, saying that they had left. The boys sprinted to the doors, believing the matron was to bewitch Remus, and rammed into the doors so hard one was partially removed from the hinges.

"You foul, beseeching siren! We have not left, and never will. We will remain by the side of our fellow Marauder! How dare you feed lies to our Muh-hoony, fie on you! Oh, Lord in heaven, may you strike down this sinner!". James was about to remark on Sirius's astonishing knowledge on the Muggle religion, but Remus called them again, and the two rushed to his aid. Pomfrey opened her mouth to retort, but was shoved out of the way as Sirius and James rushed to Remus's bedside

"Where's Peter?". He asked weakly. James and Sirius looked at each other, and muttered, 'shit'. Peter was probably left in the middle of the room a large, bogey-resembling figure. Madam Pomfrey both pushed them out of the way, a bit peeved, as she tried to deliver the medications. Sirius, intrigued, leaned over, and poked at the mixture, and it burned the skin on his finger.

"AHH! POISON! ATTEMPTED MURDER! CHILD ABUSE!". Sirius nursed his finger as James screamed and grappled the tray away from Pomfrey, believing Pomfrey to try and poison their dearest Marauder. The poison spilled over the floor, evaporating instantly, and leaving a dirty brown stain, which, to much amusement, was shaped uniquely like the male reproductive organ. Pomfrey shrieked in an unprecedented fashion. Sirius, who she already barely tolerated screaming insults at her, was now at his limit, as he ran around in a circle, clutching his wounded finger and sobbing.

McGonagall burst into the room, and immobilized James and Sirius, and soothed Madam Pomfrey as she, clutching her chest, began waving her wand to clean up the mess. McGonagall marched the two into her office, where they were finally allowed to speak and move. Sirius was first to set his claims, and he raised a foot and stamped on the table, pointing his charred finger at McGonagall.

"The - the lady tried to poison Remus! You didn't see! The stain, the one shaped like a penis, it's the poison! I'll testify, she tried to murder Remus, I swear I'll kill her.". As Sirius rambled on, his leg muscles ached, and he removed his foot from the table. As Sirius continued his tale of grandeur of being the heroic knight to poor Remus's rescue, McGonagall inspected the shoe print on her desk. He finally ended by shoving his charred finger right up to her eyeballs, and McGonagall slammed her hands on the desk.

"Sit. SIT! No more from you, Black. And you, Potter.". When James opened his mouth.

"You have interrupted my class in the most obscene and inappropriate fashion. You have endangered Madam Pomfrey and disrespected her. The poison - ". Sirius jumped from his chair and did a victory dance.

"Hah! I knew it was poison. A slip of the tongue was it? Poor Minnie, we've figured out your conspiracy against the students. Planning to kill us off one by one to inherit our Galleons?". Sirius saw McGonagall's face. "Sorry.", he mumbled, and sat down.

"The poison.", McGonagall continued, "Was not poison, as you thought, but a concoction to reduce pain during transformations. It lasts for long, and works best hours after ingestion, so that is the reason why it is administered early. As for your detention-.". James raised a hand unsteadily.

"Yes, Potter. What excuse will you think of now? Enlighten me.".

"Uh, Sirius wanted some biscuits.". Sirius, indeed was eyeing the biscuits. McGonagall shook her head and raised her eyes to the heavens, mentally beating herself for becoming a teacher here. Sirius grabbed the can brazenly, and poured the contents onto the floor. McGonagall's jaw dropped. Sirius then dropped to his knees, as started shoveling as many as he could into his mouth, sometimes even scraping the floor to taste what he claimed was a peppery, salty taste.

"Mate, we've got other problems, so stop stuffing your big gob and listen.". McGonagall threw James an appreciative smile, but was horrified when Sirius motioned for James to try one.

"Honestly, I always knew you had a fetish for eating dirty food. I mean, permanent diarrhea had to come from somewhere.".

However, James was intrigued by Sirius's joyful face, full of merriment. It seemed he was having the time of his life, so he gingerly picked one up. As he bit one, James suddenly felt like he was high - the taste was overwhelming, it was defeating his mentality, it was sending him to high heaven, the taste was lightly spicy and sharp, and he found himself on the floor, eating up the biscuits, with Sirius opposite him.

Suddenly he was yanked on his chair, and rather forcefully. McGonagall twirled her wand, and stood, with horror, as she watched the two boys laugh. Then, they vomited. Sirius threw up all over her documents, sending an odious odor around the room, whilst James turned towards the door for modesty, and puked all over a shocked Lily Evans.

Lily was minding her own business when she heard the sounds of shouting and enraged yelling from McGonagall's office. Of course, with concern, she had dragged Alice and Mary with her, and unfortunately for them, they had to witness the Great Marauder Feasting Of Fallen Biscuits and get caught in the crossfire of vomit and yells. The regurgitated biscuits found themselves all over Lily Evans, and she was momentarily gobsmacked.

"Lily?". Potter managed to rasp before he puked again, this time trying to avoid Lily, aiming for the left, but getting it all over Mary, whose curiosity gained her a faceful of undigested biscuits. Sirius also had another round, all over McGonagall, and for once, she was too stunned to react, with vomit dripping all over her, and two innocent students covered in the same sickly substance.

Alice, who was prone to puke after receiving the smell, groaned and dropped to her knees and followed suit to Sirius and James. After a long while, McGonagall had managed to retain order, and cleaned up the shambolic office with a well-placed Scourgify and demanded an apology from Madam Pomfrey, kicking them out of their office next. The girls then left hurriedly without a word.

"It's a first.".

"What?". James looked exceedingly morose - after all, he had just retched over his crush for six years.

"She didn't give us detention. That's a first, mate! Now we have to go to Pom Pom's and apologize and check on Moony.". Sirius pulled James and they journeyed up to the Hospital Wing, only to have the door slammed onto their faces when it opened up.

"Busy, Mr. Black and Potter. Please come back later.". Said a voice on the other side.

"Bollocks. It's empty.". Indeed, the small windows allowed some vision, and as far as Sirius could see, there was no evidence of a living thing anywhere in the room, except for the matron. Sirius started thinking up a plan to sneak into the Hospital Wing, and an idea formulated itself into his brain.

"James, it's time to dress up.".

Then left for their dormitory. When huddled in the safety of their room, Sirius explained to James, who was shaking his head violently at his stupendous plan. It was to dress themselves up as females, so that Madam Pomfrey would never know that it was Sirius and James. And so James, regretting his life choices, sat next to Sirius as he hazardously threw dangerous objects out of The Marauder's Third Stash underneath the Toothbrush Of Tranquility in the toilet. Sirius tossed out a potion of Felix Felicis, and James caught it, screaming, 'Sirius, these things are expensive', and finally coming out with a knapsack.

James swore loudly.

"You pillock! Felix Felicis has a three year waiting order, you know that! And it's expensive.". Sirius merely shrugged and exited the toilet.

"Bah, who cares about silly potions. Moony is the main priority here.". Sirius sat down and rifled through the bag, throwing out wigs and feminine dresses. James raised an eyebrow.

"Where do you even get these things.". Sirius shrugged.

"Stole them from women, obviously. No bras or undergarments, though. Guess I'll have to go through yours.". James laughed nervously.

"Wait, what?". Sirius gave him a patronizing look.

"Obviously, the Lily's Lingerie box. I forgot to mention that you are a massive pervert. Going through Evan's laundry to pick out her panties? Disgusting, Potter.". James growled and tackled Sirius. That box was everything to him.

"How the hell did you get through my closet? I've booby trapped everything in there!".

"Well, if you were not being such a twat, and talking in your sleep about how I would never get past your traps and find the box of heavenly goods then you are ridiculously naive. I am Sirius Black, the King Of Feminine Masculinity, The Jerking, and many more titles, and your stupid traps were so easy to notice I would've thought an infant set them up. The trip wire was fucking yellow, mate.".

"Well, I had no other string! Besides, I like yellow.".

"The whole point of having a tripwire is to conceal it, not make it stand out like a raging erection.".

"How would you know?".

"Oh I would, and I beg your fucking pardon? The amount of times I've seen Lily run away with the other girls when they see your tiny prick rise to life is unsurpassable.". James growled angrily, but stopped with Peter walking into the room, clearly exhausted.

"Guys?". Peter asked. Sirius continued rifling through the bag and made a gasp of surprise. He pulled out a yellow blouse and matching skirts with polka dots. He threw it to James, along with a box of lipstick, eyeliner, wigs and high heels.

"Sirius, no. I am not wearing this, even if we get to see Moony. There are more pleasant options and alternatives for this.". James observed the wig, and thought he saw some white flecks on them.

"Are these… is this dandruff?". James questioned with horror. Dandruff, the most horrible atrocity that could befall his beautiful black locks.

"I'm pretty sure it's pubic lice. But anyways, you're having that one. I just bought this one.". From his bag, Sirius brought out a red wig, and strapped it to his scalp. James couldn't help but see his skull, and found a sudden desire to smash it in with a sledgehammer. James found himself then staring at a red headed girl with a light stubble.

"Paddy, I'm shocked, but… you actually look quite good as a female - without the stubble, at least.".

"GUYS!". Peter bellowed. James and Sirius lifted their eyes off the clothes and took a good look at Peter, who was looking around frantically.

"Where's Remus? We should accompany him to the Shack.".

"Peter, it's Moony, or for me, Muh-hoony. We only want to bust in first so that we can be with him before the transformation. You know, moral support has a high emotional value. It keeps him human for a bit longer.". Sirius returned his focus back to the clothes, and started stripping off his shirt. Peter looked away respectfully, but James gasped and said, "Are those man boobs?".

"No! Sir Sirius Black does not do man boobs. Maybe it's just the lighting.". He gestured to the open window.

An hour later, and after a lot of begging, James looked at himself in the mirror, a young, flat-chested girl of sixteen fashioning some yellow skirts and a yellow T-Shirt that read The Wishing Wand with four smiling faces - an infamous wizarding band. He had blonde hair and to mask up his stubble, was wearing a mask, like a surgeon. Sirius has shaved off his, and James found his appearance startlingly feminine. He had no doubt he looked like a dandelion bomb.

"Mate, you look good as a girl. And what are those?". James redirected his question at the mounds on Sirius's chest. Sure enough, Sirius had bosoms the size of Madam Pomfrey, and on a teenager it just looked weird.

"Prongsie, you'll never know what a bra and soft, foldable objects can do to your breasts. These babies-", Sirius patted both his melons attentively, "Are the stuff of the new generation. Now we just need to blend in with the crowd.".

It was kind of hard to, with Sirius's bosom and his blinding yellow, but Peter followed them out, and with a sad face, bid them goodbye and luck on their journey.

"He just wouldn't look right as a girl, you know. Right, blend in, don't get anyone to look at us.". Immediately after walking down the staircase, all attention was immediately snapped to the duo walking down the stairs. Almost all of the eyes were looking at the mounds of tissue on Sirius's chest. They quickly exited the common room, and made their way to the Hospital Ward. Most suddenly, they were set upon by three boys, all seventh years, who eyed James and Sirius like roast pork.

"Why hello there, girls-". Pedophile, Sirius whispered.

"We were just making our way to the Hospital Wing. S-". James gave an alarmed look to Sirius, who racked his head for names. Finally one came up, one that Remus had taught him, and he blurted it out, without really thinking.

"Uh, my name's Wilberforce.".

James slammed his head into the wall, and kept doing it. The three looked puzzled, and Sirius corrected himself, "It sounds like Wilberforce, but it's actually Wilberforca. That's my name. Wilberforca uh, Wiener.". The portrait on the wall sniggered. James began slamming his head more rapidly. The three looked at each other, and laughed.

"Wilberforca Wiener. Name's Jack Darren. Where are you from?". He held out a big, pudgy hand, and Sirius suddenly remembered what they said about blokes with large hands. He cursed his fat, stupid, mouth for always saying what he thought.

"Do you have a large penis?".

Jack and his goons laughed and he hooked an arm around Sirius's shoulders, who looked both repulsed and depressed at the same time. James, sighing, came to Sirius's rescue, but found himself in the arms of another goon, who's hand was brazenly reaching underneath her skirt. James desperately wriggled, and screamed, "RAPE! RAPE! STUDENT RAPE!".

He immediately smacked her, and started rubbing his inner thigh.

"What's your name, bird?".

"Uh. Ja- Jamaica.". He corrected himself, and beat himself stupidly on the head.

"Sisters, huh?". James desperately nodded, and he found himself pinned up on the wall, his skirt ridden up, he once again tried screaming, but the seventh year covered his mouth and unbuckled his belt. The very sound was nightmarish to his ears - he was about to lose his anal virginity to a seventh year who thought he was a girl

named Jamaica Wiener.

Then, a glorious knight came to his rescue. It was more of a heroine, as Lily Evans marched into the corridor, and shot two Bat Bogey Hexes and a Genital Strangling Jinx at the three sevenths. James breathed a sigh of relief, as well as Sirius, whose breasts almost became undone and his gender revealed. The three scampered off.

Lily rushed up to Sirius and helped her up, saying soothing things to her. She then came to the aid of James, who, unbeknownst to him, had his wig ripped off during the rape attempt, and she choked as she saw his disheveled hair that could only belong to one person,and one person only.

"James?". She breathed.

"Ah… Lily.". Lily breathed once, and then laughed. She laughed and giggled at his appearances, and his yellow skirts and shirt.

"Ah, almost raped…. your skirt…. James… oh, James!". He had preferred her last statement to be of that on the marital bed, but she was now doubling over on the ground, and Sirius stood next to James. Lily's eyes narrowed. James gave him a glare, like, I was having a good fucking time with her. Sirius indeed looked beautiful as a woman, so it was hard to distinguish him from his usual juvenile looks.

"Uh, who is this?".

"Lily Evans. Pleasure to meet, uh, Playful White.". James groaned at the name.

"How do you know my name?". Lily demanded. Sirius backed up - it seemed like she was suddenly on PMS. And again, he cursed his foolish mouth.

"I'm wearing your bra.", Sirius burst, and then swore. Lily started choking, and finally came up with a wha?

"The one with the red polka dots. Buggeration!". Sirius started tearing up, as he imagined Remus in the corridor, chastising him emotionlessly for swearing. He started sobbing, and James comforted him. Lily stared at both of them. She deduced, easily, that there were only two people in all of Hogwarts who were that insane and brainless - Sirius Black and James Potter.

"Black? What are you doing in a dress? And you, Potter?". Lily demanded. If she didn't already, she was about to throw out some detentions. Sirius murmured something to James, and then they quickly retreated into the realm of constant misery - they sobbed and wailed, because Remus wasn't here, and that made the world a lot colder. Lily looked at them, incredulity shown on her face, obviously thinking they were insane. She suddenly retracted Sirius's past statement.

"Why do you have my bra?". Lily demanded, her eyes drifting to the cleavage and Sirius's chest. "And how do you have breasts?".

Sirius had a maniacal grin on his face.

"Tissues and a Tight-Strapping Bra, my apprentice. I'll have to admit, Lily, you're a cup smaller than I expected it to be.". Lily swung at him, and he dodged. James watched with fascination - it was always fun watching a girl kick Sirius's ass. Lily grabbed Sirius's shirt and knees him in the crotch. James thought he heard a sharp crack in his nether regions. Sirius groaned. He grabbed his privates as he dropped forwards.

"Lily, lay off him.". James pleaded.

"No way, Potter. This toe rag needs some punishment. He stole my bras! The pervert! I demand them back!". James was conflicted - would he help his Marauder, or a girl he had loved since 11. Sirius gave him a pleading look. James took a deep breath.

"Lily, I was the one who stole your bras and-". He was stopped sharply, remembering the fact that she would react much more violently when she learnt her panties were taken as well.

"James? You?". Sirius groaned on the floor, but she had her eyes on him. She scowled, and grabbed him and Sirius by the arms. James swore he saw her wipe her eyes before she turned around. She was marching them somewhere, somewhere that either meant certain death or excruciating pain. When McGonagall's Corridor came into view, Sirius pulled desperately at Lily's arm, motioning to stop. Lily gave him a sweet smile, and pulled harder at the boy.

"Lily, we'll compromise. How about you letting us go, and we'll let you tag along when we visit Remus.". Lily paused, and cocked her head. It was one of her largest what? What does Remus do every month? McGonagall, or finally solving that answer? She chose the latter. Lily sighed deeply, and James and Sirius shared an excited look.

"Very well. Lead me to him.".

"Not like this!". Sirius protested. "Me and James are now unofficially banned from the Hospital Wing. We sort of, almost killed Madam Pomfrey.". Lily raised her eyebrows. She tried not to believe it, but they looked like they were telling the truth. Almost killing Madam Pomfrey? What were they doing? James and Sirius readjusted their costumes, and Lily could see why they got away with most things. They were practically female now, any person wouldn't see the male behind the costumes.

Sirius began shoving some more tissues into his bra, and Lily looked away, disgusted. James attempted to shield Lily's eyes, but that resulted in a knee to the balls. Both incapacitated sixteen year olds followed Lily, nursing their injuries, and both cursing and thanking the Gods for sending them Lily.

"Lily flower, if I may ask you a question, it would be how your knees are so pointy.". Sirius said in between groans. "I might need corrective genital surgery after this.". Lily waved her hand dismissively.

"Oh, stop being overdramatic. Mary's knees are much better suited for injuring groins - too many come close to her at once.". Lily led them to the Hospital Wing, but was stopped by a horde of students trapping them. Sirius found himself stared at from every direction, and smirked at Lily.

"It must be hard, being flat chested, innit? Poor Evans, with your A Cup breasts.". A lot of the students in the crowd sniggered, and walked past laughing. Lily's cheeks burned. James had the decency to try to stop Sirius, but without warning, Sirius reached out and grabbed Lily's left breast. Everyone stopped.

Lily grabbed his arm, twisted it, pulled him closer, and punched him so hard James didn't need an autopsy to figure out that Sirius probably had a very, very small chance of creating children with his sperm - which was probably a good thing. Lily then decked Sirius, and he fell to the ground, unconscious. James, wide eyed, backed away from the snarling redhead, and gingerly did the universal side for I'm not doing anything, two hands in the air. Lily slowed down.

"Well? Are you going to stand there like a bunch of idiots? Class has already started!". Lily screamed to the crowd. The mass started shifting, with students whispering excitedly about the events that had just unfolded. James grabbed Sirius and hoisted him over one shoulder. Lily didn't bother to help. She marched forward, nose in the air, and avoided the occasional funny look another student gave her.

As they approached the Hospital Wing, James saw stars. His shoulder and pelvic region ached, and his metaphorical heart too. As Lily opened the door to the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfrey greeted her cordially, and she responded with equal respect, only to see two other girls in the hallway, one unconscious.

"Oh, dear me. Please bring her inside.".

"What has happened to her?". Madam Pomfrey bustled around the empty Hospital Wing.

"Someone knocked her out.".

"Dear me, the poor lass. She looks like someone I used to know, actually.". Without warning James went behind her, faking interest in the concoctions by Sirius's table. He then crept, quietly, to the door that read , KEEP OUT. He knew this particular room sheltered a fellow Marauder of his. He muttered, Alohomora, and was met with Remus lying on a cot. He was asleep.

He locked the door, and crept forward, until he was in front of the sleeping boy. He bent over, trying to see his most recent scar located near his nose, and Remus woke up. Understandingly, he screamed. James shushed him up, and whispered angrily.

"It's me, Jamaica Wiener!". Remus looked even more alarmed.

"Whoever you are, my friends will be here soon. Even if you are very good looking, my friends, the Marauders will rip you apart. You've probably heard of them. Anyways, HELP! CHILD RAPE! CRIMINAL ASSAULT! BREAKING OF THE FIFTH UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS!".

James found it highly disturbing Remus found him attractive. It was lucky he had cast a Muffliato over the door. It was a handy trick he had seen Snape do, and although it had pained him, he swore it was the first, and last time that he would be using SNAPE™️ product spells. Without the spell, it was only a matter of seconds before Pomfrey came charging through the door.

"Remus! Moony! It's me, Jama- Fuck! James! It's me, James.". Slowly Remus's breathing slowed, and then rapidly increased. James panicked, thinking he was choking, and lifted his hands, only to find out that Remus was chuckling.

"James, what are y-". Remus was cut short when James shushed loudly.

"Shhh. I'm going incognito. Call me…. James.".

"I'm not really sure that's how incognito works, but fine.". Remus rolled his eyes.

"Sirius picked this out for me. He has a horrible sense of style, doesn't he?".

"Agreed.". Remus was about to speak when he heard footsteps. Too familiar footsteps.

"James, bloody hide.". James looked around hazardly. Curse the architects of Hogwarts - there was no spot that proved an available place to completely block James's body - even if he was long and lanky.

"You're too bloody big, James. Use a Disillusionment Charm, James.".

"That's what she said, but there's no time.". Indeed, the soft footsteps were now rapidly approaching the door. It was only a matter of time before she opened the door. The lock turned an audible click, and James dived underneath the bed. Remus sighed exasperatedly. The bed was an average hospital bed - which meant it was just a flat piece of wood suspended above the ground with sticks.

Madam Pomfrey marched in with a tray of biscuits in one hand. Her eyes left the milk she was stirring, and instantly saw James underneath the bed. Fuck. He thought with his motionless body, Madam Pomfrey would not distinguish James from the average school bed. And so James tried to strike a heroic pose before battling for his life - undoubtedly and inevitably ending with his expulsion. As he rose from beneath the bed, however, his right foot hooked with one of the contraptions put in place to wheel the bed around, and inadvertently kicked it, sent Remus careening as his bed was thrown sideways and crashed into a wall on the opposite side of the room.

Remus screamed as he was sent crashing, his pillows thrown askew. Madam Pomfrey had dropped the tray in shock, and James marveled at his own ability to create havoc in the Hospital Wing. He cursed and ran to Remus's aid, but as Madam Pomfrey angrily stomped over, he whipped out his wand and did the unthinkable - he sent a Stunning Jinx at her. Madam Pomfrey was thrown backwards, and knocked unconscious.

Sirius and Lily ran into the room, hearing the commotion, and were stunned by the destruction.

"Oh, James, you pillock. What have you done?". Lily gave him the evil eye. Sirius hoisted Remus by the shoulders to a sitting position, where he surveyed the casualties.

James knelt next to Pomfrey. He then decided, in his infinite wisdom, that Madam Pomfrey would be best without the recollections that had occurred today. And with a flourish of his wand, he jabbed at her skull. A wispy blue floated through her head. His stab was a bit too hard, though, and that led to his wand igniting the base of her hair. The flame rose quickly, and James panicked. He kicked her head a few times, and the flame disappeared. It left a large, noticeable bald patch.

"I'm considering therapy after this. You lot are mental.". Lily muttered her assent, and upon remembering Madam Pomfrey, rushed to her side, and helped treat the bleeding gash on her forehead from the impact with the wall, and the results of the flaming hair accident. James and Sirius force-fed Remus his favorite - barely cooked beef, and they paid no heed to the rest of the world as they sat and had banter with each other. Eventually, Sirius and James had to help Lily repair the room, after some hair pulling and groin-stomping.

The crash left a bed-shaped dent in the wall, but both Sirius and James found it a piece of art, and they overruled Lily, and so they kept it like that, saying that the change was barely distinguishable. Meanwhile, Madam Pomfrey was hauled onto another hospital bed. When Lily's back was turned, however, Sirius poked at the matron's breasts, stating that he had yet to feel a real woman's flesh.

"Sirius! Get off the matron and stop groping her, you toerag!". Lily practically dragged Sirius off the older woman, which led to a breakdown where Sirius sat in a chair facing a corner, looking morose and crying. Lily rolled her eyes at him, and opened her mouth to say something to James, but closed it quickly, gave him a good old glare, and walked off to check on Remus. James cursed the gods and the God for Sirius and his constant interventions which always led to him being either humiliated, degraded or laughed at.

"You go get my book of spells. It's in my bag. Book Of Spells, By Desmond Richard. I don't trust Sirius to be alone with Pomfrey.". James nodded numbly, feeling somber that he wasn't addressed by his name, and feeling like he had to start from Square 1, once again. He walked to the bag, and pried it open. There were a number of spell books and tomes stuffed inside, and James saw a notebook titled Personal in a pocket. He pocketed it.

He brought out the Book Of Spells, and as he walked over, Lily's body collided with him in the exact right moment, making them both fall to the ground. It was that cliché moment where the actor kisses the actress passionately and ardently, but for the duo, James felt a sneeze coming. He cursed the gods once again. It was soon unbearable, and as Lily leaned up, maybe to kiss or move out of the way, he sneezed right at her face. It wasn't exactly in The Top 50 Best Moments Of James Potter, but she opened her mouth at the same time, probably to tell him off, and you can guess the explicit details.

A glob of gooey bogey dripped from his nose and landed in one corner of her mouth. Lily screamed and started twisting. James tried to move, but his limbs were stuck, literally, on the floor. That was where Sirius found them, now very happy after a conversation with Remus on the maturity of someone his age. Cackling, he tied them up with his shirt, which was a truly frightening sight, Sirius, shirtless, wearing skirts, and laughing like some fool. It seemed he had forgotten his talk about maturity.

Lily choked. "Are those… man boobs?". Sirius gasped, and roared in defense, "No, Sir Black does not have man boobs. It is just, the lighting.". Lily giggled. With a rather mad glint in his eyes, Sirius undressed his skirt. Lily and James screamed and averted their eyes. Really, it had just seemed he had thought the shirt was not enough, and wrapped a skirt around them. Then, he threw a hospital blanket around them.

"You know what you both look like? An inflamed glans.".

This comparison was not to be favored by Lily and James.

"Have fun, kiddos. Try to do something that's R-Rated. James, catch.". Sirius threw them two things. First, there was a condom, unpacked and ready. James screamed and twisted his head, thinking Sirius had used it for one of his experiments, and it landed in Lily's mouth. At this, she struggled even harder and screamed. The opening of her mouth cavity forced the condom in even further, and Lily saw her life flash between her eyes. She was going to die. She panicked and breathed rapidly.

This is how I'm going to die. Choking on a condom, tied to James Potter, with bogey running down my face, and my last vision Sirius Black in underwear.

And suddenly James kissed her. His tongue forced into the depths of her mouth, and nudged out the condom, little by little, until it finally came out of her mouth. The second item, lube, was emptied onto his leg, which now had a shiny complexion, as if someone had polished it. Lily gazed up at him. The first thing he tasted was his bogeys. The second thing was a sweet, tangy flavor, no doubt something Lily had eaten before. He found it oddly erotic.

"Sirius Black, I swear to God, I was dying back there. If not for James I might've died. You wait till I'm out of these bonds, Black. I'll carve up your male genitalia, sauté it with your testes, and force it right down your throat.".

As James tried to move the leg due to cramp, he found that Lily's pointy knees were position right below his weak spot - and that she had the perfect opportunity to break the complete structure of his genitalia. He desperately tried to undo his mistake, but Lily deciphered his body moves, and checkmated him. She gave him a sweet smile, and mouthed, in case you try anything.

"Some impressive imagery, Evans. However, I shall be reserved for more, prioritized events.". He bowed, and with his underwear, walked out, hoping for a dramatic exit. However, the adored screams of girls and horrified screams of teachers resulted in him bolting back in, sliding a wooden plank across the door, and rapidly asking Remus for clothes, in which he refused. The door held fast again a torrent of blows and magic. The bolt splintered.

"Moony, please, the wooden bolt won't handle long against the raging instinctive female desire to see me in undergarments.".

"Sirius, why are you even in underwear?".

Sirius couldn't answer his question, so he sprinted to the window. He lifted the board barring students from doing precisely what Sirius was attempting to do. He reached one leg out.

"You're mad, Paddy. Stop him! STOP!". Remus, who was immensely weak from the sun almost setting, couldn't help him, nor could Lily or James, whose limbs were bound by a blouse and a skirt. Madam Pomfrey was still unconscious. As Sirius walked past the matron, he squeezed both breasts for encouragement, and placed two full kisses on both her cheeks. Lily gave him a look that spelled deep disgust.

Sirius stepped onto the windowsill. James and Remus screamed and begged him not to do it. He looked back one last time.

"Save me, daddy.". He said to the sun. Sirius dropped.

James couldn't believe the stupidity of his friend. He would never see him laugh, never have banter, never see the stupid mutt on full moons anymore. Lily sobbed. Sure enough, Sirius was a pain. But he was obnoxious, and grew on everyone, like a disgusting, perverted barracuda. When McGonagall burst into the ward, she met a sobbing James, Lily, and a partially turned werewolf in the Hospital Wing. Remus's emotions were so powerful the beast had turned, but only a little. The girls clamoring at the door milled around, trying to find signs of Sirius.

McGonagall was very perturbed, and disturbed when seeing Lily and James. At first, she did not notice James, but a young girl in a blinding yellow dress. Then, Lily started screaming, and McGonagall untied the skirts and shirts that bound them together. Lily shot to the toilet.

"Uh, who are you?".

"Ms. Jamaica Wi- shit! James, it's me, James.".

"I would prefer you not to swear in my presence, Potter. And can you explain what is going on? Why are you so yellow? And where is your doppelgänger?".

When they sat back at McGonagall's, James recounted the story, finally dissolving into tears as he spotted Moony in a chair, tied up, his jaw elongated into one of a wolf's, and his ring nails sharp, pointy claws. Obviously, he left out the more complicated parts, like him Obliviating Pomfrey, and wrecking the OUT OF BOUNDS room. McGonagall put her head in her hands. So far, she had hoped the Marauders might try taming themselves, and she even tried curbing their power and influence over the students, but even on the first day back at lessons, one of them had died, the other turned into a partial werewolf for an unknown length of time, the other practically dysfunctional, and the last, absolutely useless without his mates.

McGonagall took a while to process it. She was also speechless. A while ago she had the duo here, shoveling biscuits and throwing them out via their oesophagus.

"Professor, what is wrong with Remus?". The boy was nodding off, but Lily would be a fool to not see the straining off the ropes.

"Uh, he got hexed while we were coming down. Avery and his goons. I'll get them back for this. Poppy was not awake, so, you know.". James explained, and rather quickly. McGonagall rebuffed his statement with a nod and a smile. However, his condition looked alarming. Whenever he opened his eyes drowsily, Lily found them a shocking yellow color. His claws and longer jaw didn't help soothe his image.

They were quickly dismissed, and James sat down in the middle of the corridor and cried. He'd never felt so alone, without Moony or Padfoot. Lily tried not to look sad, but felt pity for the boy. She grabbed him and shook his shoulders.

"James, you have to get over it. Remus will be fine, but it'll be better if both of you move on.". James choked and fell to his feet after an attempt to stand up. He cried even harder, and clutched her shirt. She sighed. It had been a long day. Hoping that James wouldn't blame her, she stalked off. For a few more minutes, James just sat there and tried to desperately not cry. After gaining at least some energy to stand up, he rounded a corner only to meet a jovial Sirius Black. He was, strangely, wearing a blue-pink kimono with flowery patterns.

"Hey, Prongsie. What'd I miss for dinner?". James just stood there, helping that Sirius was a ghost. He tried touching his arm, but missed, and grabbed his left breast instead.

"James, I know my body is sexually insatiable, but you're scaring me. Lay off Wilberforca's breasts, mate. Hey, I need a professional opinion. I've used bamboo textiles to make it look more authentic. Doesn't it look fabulous?".

"Sirius- I, mate, I thought you were dead! How are you not dead!".

Sirius pulled a face. "You seriously thought I would kill myself to avoid a raging stampede of horny girls? I had a backup plan - always. Jump from the ledge, drop into the pole that connects to the Muggle Studies classroom downstairs, summon the invisibility cloak and viola!". He twirled his kimono, which rippled, and James briefly saw the bamboo textiles in his bra. James choked. Sirius raised his eyebrows. James then grabbed Sirius into a hug, and Sirius then unentangled himself from the boy.

"James, you look pathetic, crying like a girl. In fact, you look like my penis after wanking. With yellow blobs. Blobs, James!". James stopped crying. He then glared at Sirius. Then, he came to a realization. Of course Sirius hadn't killed himself - he had so much to live for, the girls, the bachelordom, the red light districts - he could've possibly died. He decided and came to a conclusion that him and Remus were, undoubtedly stupid.

"Why are you still in your girl dress? And a kimono? Christ. Your breasts? Fabulously abnormal, I'd say.". Sirius made a flowery twirl.

"James, you just have a lack of decorum. Broaden up, the world is larger than you think. Besides, Moony would love me wearing this.". He winked, and James gagged.

"Paddy, where did you get the kimono and bamboo textiles?".

"Uh, Wenny's closet and a random box lying in her office.". Wenny was Sirius's nickname for the longer and more of a mouthful, Wendolina, Muggle Studies Professor. She was a Japanese witch. "They were doing some reading on the Muggle method of the creation of bamboo textiles. Apparently during the process it creates toxic substances that leads to infections and rashes when worn.".

James found it highly concerning that Sirius was the one wearing bamboo textiles - but as Sirius often was engrossed in anything Muggles did, and James was just plainly ecstatic that he was not dead, he opted not to mention it.

"Come on!". The duo made their way to the Great Hall, Sirius drawing many perverted eyes. A boy approached him, and tripped. He grabbed Sirius's kimono for support, and the boy's hand grazed his right breast.

"Oh, I'm really sorry, um, may I know your name?". The boy was more focused on her breasts than her face,

"No.".

"I must say, you have very beautiful-".

"No.".

"Would you interest in a spanking sess-".

"No.".

"As large as-".

"No! Go away, pervert.". Sirius shoved him out of the way. James chuckled, and followed Sirius, acting like a bodyguard.

"I was going to say you have very large, beautiful eyes.". Sirius rolled them, and marched to the end of the Great Hall, exiting the castle.

"Us males really are perverted. Am I an exception?".

"Sirius, you are the most perverted of us all. Remember Mary, when you shoved your asparagus up your nasal cavity because you were staring at her breasts?". Sirius winced at that particular episode. Upon entry to the Hospital Wing, the matron had commenced a rather explicit and painful removal of the vegan delicacy that had been unceremoniously shoved up his nose.

"Hey! There were some intricacies that cannot be forgotten during that part. I was rather staring at Peter, who, remember, was feeling up a second year?". James snorted, and the Whomping Willow came into view. The twigs were flying around madly, which meant someone was there. As the tree lurched forward to execute a powerful Roger Federer backhand as a counterattack, it froze. A small rat slithered through a crack in the trunk. Sirius and James grinned, and they morphed into animals, and followed Wormtail too.

When Remus awoke during transformations, he could feel the state of his body. On rough nights, his body literally gave him a message that his body was fucked. On good nights, the pain was less. This morning,he woke up to the usual, three faces staring at him. But there were supposed to be two. Sirius face was crammed with James's spectacles, and Peter's large, ratty face made up the majority of his eyesight.

Remus felt the distinct casting of a spell, and a voice saying, Rectifus Lycanthropia, and he felt his nose shorten, his hands too, and his whole body retracted. He felt furs retreat into his skin. Immediately the faces above him broke into jubilant grins. Then, there was some arguing.

With a loud pop, sound rushed into his ears.

"-you shut your pie-hole, mate. This is extremely nutritious.".

"I'm not really trying to undermine you, but I'm not sure diluted horse sperm is going to make his condition better.". In Sirius's can sloshed a mixture a light white, as if someone had thrown flour into water.

"Prongsie, there are other remedies other than Madam Pomfrey. Even though her breasts can cure depression, this,", he sloshed his can, "contains vitamin C, B12, ascorbic acid, calcium, citric acid, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, zinc, potassium, sodium, fat and protein.".

"I find it highly concerning that you know all the chemical nutrients of horse sperm and not know how to tie your own shoelaces.".

"Close your beak, Prongs. The masterful art of tying a knot on a shoe is work for plebeians and commonfolk - unlike us Blacks.". Remus tried to point out that royalty always had to look well-groomed and clothed, and thus tying a shoelace is integral in education - but his throat was too dry or constricted to speak.

"Oh, Moony. Here.". Sirius passed him the canteen, which he chugged it from gratefully. He hadn't heard the first part, due to drowsy complications that came from a transformation between human and wolf. It had a strange, sour taste. James had a look of peculiar interest, and Peter looked mortified.

"Go on, Remus. Chug it, down it goes, chug it like… like it's your mom's breast milk and you're just born.".

"Padfoot, I don't think he needs that image in his head at this moment.".

"Well.. chug it like you chug Mary's spit, then, eh?".

"I don't think he needs that either. Also, the idea was all yours, and Remus, I'll ask for a document that details the unscathment of my person and my belongings upon realization of what you just drank.". Remus's blinked.

"Okay, but what did I just drink?". His voice came out much stronger now.

"Uh, diluted horse semen.". Peter whispered.

It was a while before he managed to comprehend it, and Remus choked, and attempted to retch the sperm out. Naturally, Sirius was there, pulling his hair back.

"Come on, Remus. It was very nutritious. It had citric acid.". Sirius said in a cheerful tone.

"Doesn't the over ingestion of citric acid lead to ongoing severe diarrhea, muscle pain, and swelling?".

"James, that is the overdose of citric acid. This isn't an overdose of it.".

"Debatable.".

Remus brought himself up to his knees. His body was weak, very weak, but he felt his strength increasing.

"Where did you even get it from?".

"Some shady guy at the Hog's Head. Told me it was shipped from the States. Those Americans, man. They're crazy, shipping horse sperm all over the world to breed racehorses or something.".

"Isn't sperm edible for only, what, a few hours before the substance is dangerous to ingest?".

"James, stop. There are some intricacies, I'll admit, but frozen sperm is the way, Jamesie-poo.".

James made a face of being called what his mother named him. Remus sat up, and seemed to realize that Sirius should've been buried, cremated or donated to science already.

"Sirius! You're alive! I-I can't believe it. Mate, I thought you were dead!". Remus grabbed Sirius and hugged him.

"You guys are actually tossers. What, do you think that I would kill myself to avoid a bunch of girls? I'm not that much of a pussy.".

"Yeah, I wasn't crying. I'm not a tosser!". Peter said, elated.

"Yeah, right. I saw you in the toilet, crying over Sirius's photos and listening to the My Little Pony soundtrack while eating vanilla ice cream.".

"My Little Pony?".

"Peter, My Little Pony doesn't even exist until the 21st Century. Keep dreaming, mate. Even then, I've heard the male reaction to their girlfriends faking their orgasms more pleasurable than the music.".

The group laughed. Remus, his elation now slipping away, finally realized what he was drinking.

"Wait, I was drinking, horse sperm?". The trio paused. James tensed.

Then Sirius roared with laughter. Remus's hands reached out to clasp around his neck, but he held out a pack of Multivitamins.

"Marauder Multivitamins?". James inquired.

"Yes, Marauder Multivitamins. Contains the essential vitamins for growth, the replacement of old tissues and cells, body repair, replacement of old tissues and cells, bolstering the immune system, growth, and penis growth. Mass produced by the MARAUDER MISCELLANEOUS MAGIC MATERIALS™️ since 1971.". Sirius jumped up, and flashed a grin and a thumbs-up at the camera, which was nonexistent.

"Sirius, I asked you about the product, not the producers, and a shitty advert. And, really? Penis growth?". James tried to avoid using the word 'seriously'. It always ended with high-velocity pillows and lots of screaming.

"Also, growth and replacement of old tissues and cells were said twice.". Remus noted.

"Such party-poopers, the lot of you. You realize the most picky carnivores are the ones that die first?".

"Last time I checked, vultures eat anything that is meat, and they've been going strong for hundreds of years.".

Sirius gave him a glare, and tapped his wand to the side of the plastic bottle. Instead of two extra lines reinserted, there was a space left at the bottom, which read, VfV, Vitamins For Vaginas. James wrestled the bottle away, and tapped the side of the plastic container. It now read, Vitamins have many nutritious values…. with the health benefits printed after.

"Keeping it PG. No labia.". He pointed at another camera, which was also nonexistent.

"Come on, Remus. James ferula'd your injuries, and they were pretty light.". Sirius conjured up a stretcher, which Remus found impressive, until it winked into nonexistent eyes.

"Bollockeration! Such a waste of trees to create wands.". Sirius, with James hoisted Remus with each shoulder, Peter for some reason supporting his rear with two hands, made their way up the deserted castle, accompanied by the sounds of snoozing. The smell of rusty wood and blood faded.

The Fat Lady was missing from her canvas, so Sirius ( who had learnt a secret trick from Dumbledore to enter the room without permission - he'd always respect the old bloke after that ) spun the corona of the sun in the background, and with a soft, metallic grinding sound, the portrait shifted sideways.

After they had settled into their dorms, James was bristling with anger.

"How have you known that and never taught me? Do you know the pain, the humiliation, the excruciating torture of waiting for the Fat Lady?".

Sirius didn't answer, but rolled over and slept. James sighed, and bid night to Remus, and fainted on his bed, in a position that would be extremely painful for his leg in the morning. Remus straightened it out, and seeing the time was around 4, he hoped himself he would get some shut-eye, and said night to a miffed Peter, who was sorrowful at not given a goodnight by James, and followed him into a stupor.

Remus woke up at 6. The Multivitamins were on the bedside table, and so Remus navigated his way through a few obstacles such Blue-Balls Billy, his pile of homework and some bondage handcuffs ( don't ask ), and read the side of the bottle. There was no Certification Of Safety ( wizarding mark for safety of food and edibility ), which concerned Remus. One day some child was going to get an unknown disease from an allergy to some of Sirius's ingredients, and they would get thrown into wizarding jail.

Remus tried a blue one - it made his eyesight sharper. He tried a red one, shaped like a labia, and it brought him to the brink of unconsciousness. He tried a brown one, and his entire body thrummed with energy. He felt wide eyed, able to do anything - and so he jumped off the bed and made his way to the jug of water. He inspected the brown ones, and seeing breakfast was about to start, he shoved the brown pills into his fellow Marauder's mouths.

"Tittiies.", Sirius moaned in his sleep, "Oh, yessss.".

"REMUS!". James spasmed on his bed. "What in bloody-".

"It's six, James. Stop moaning and wake up.". James grumbled, so did Sirius as he finally awoke from his lucid dreams. Peter seemed immune to the effects of the pills, so he continued sleeping soundly. Sirius pulled on his Wilberforca Weiner costume.

"Evans cannot see me today. Emphasis on cannot.". Sirius elaborated. "If she sees me again, she'll cut off my manhood, and sauté it with my testes and shove it down my throat. What does sauté even mean?".

"Cooking something in a shallow pan over relatively high heat with a relatively low amount of fat or oil.", Remus answered, ruffling through his The Daily Times, "Although your scrotum would not lose their shape during this process, your testes will probably burst on contact with heat, sending a flavorful tint of sperm into your dish. And, she'll make you eat it.". Remus seemed engrossed in the zoology section, and didn't say more.

Sirius turned pleading eyes onto James.

"Mate, there's only one way down to breakfa - Holy shit you're not doing it are you?". James said, shocked. Sirius nodded grimly, and Remus sighed into his newspaper.

"Yep, I'll have to go down the Toilet Bowl Of Pre-Pubescence and into the U-Bend Of Infancy, then make my way to the kitchen, where I'll eat my breakfast. Too many people will try and talk to me on the way down to the kitchen, risks of Evans working it out is now higher, with this I'll hopefully buy myself one more day as a full, well-endowed man.". James shook his head.

"Is there no way to convince you not to do it?".

"Nope.".

"Then come on, Remus.". Remus sighed, and folded his newspaper, sending a longing look at it, before entering the toilet with James.

"Chop chop, Muh-Hoony, Evans will bust into this room any second..".

"How do you know?".

"Because she just knocked, and you dolts are so damn ear-clogged that you didn't hear it.". The knocking resumed, louder, and Lily's unmistakable voice floated through the door.

"It's like an angel knocking.". James fantasized, "Her voice is so melodic and b-".

"JAMES! Focus. My testes are more important to you than Evans. Remus, Bubble Head Charm.". Remus sighed, and tapped the side of Sirius's head twice, and as Lily's knocking became louder, Peter woke up, and as the pill slid into his mouth ( which it hadn't previously, as Remus was too scared to go near Peter's head at risk of losing the cleanliness of his head ), he jumped up and inquired a loud, "Guys!".

James swore. Sirius's head was now in a floating expanse of jelly, with two strings connecting James, Remus and Sirius to communicate. Now Evans knew for sure the boys were in the room.

"JAMES POTTER, If you don't open this door at this very mo-". Peter swung open the door. Sirius squealed like a girl, and Remus slammed the toilet door shut. He threw a communications line to Peter, who screamed in surprise.

"Dirty Mutt, do you copy? Over.".

"I copy, and really? Dirty Mutt? Over.".

"Fat Pedo, do you copy? Over.".

"What does Pedo mean?".

"Say Over! Peter! Over.".

"Over. Sorry, Over.".

"It means a person who is able to genetically control the stench of their flatulence. Over.".

"Cheers, Wolf Boy. Over.".

"Wolf Boy? I'll name you Four Eyes, Over.".

"Ha-ha. Four Eyes. Over.".

"I find it oddly endearing. Dirty Mutt resuming mission. Operation Triton resumed. Dirty Mutt approaching the first target. Over and out.". Sirius crawled to the toilet, and held his breath, who to Remus, was unnecessary, as the Bubble Head Charm repelled any sort of odor. Remus pointed his wand at the toilet bowl, Engorgio was cast, and Sirius stood up.

"I couldn't have asked for a better team, lads.".

"Cheers, Paddy.".

"No, really. Operation Triton will be a success. On three, one, two , three.".

"MARAUDERS!". They whisper-yelled.

They had a group hug, and Sirius clambered into the toilet.

"Fat Pedo, do you copy? Over.".

"I copy. Lily is asking me where the other guys are. Over.".

"Tell them we're, um trying to cure James's dementia. Over.".

"No! Dementia is for oldies. Tell them I can't speak because I um, have amyotrophic lateral sclerosi. It's a disease that stiffens muscles, and it's happened in my lower jaw. Over.".

"Roger that. Over and out.".

"Peter?". Lily looked highly concerned, as Peter seemed to be talking to himself.

"Oh, Lily! James and Remus um, are, um, gah… they're comparing penis length and widths in the toilet.".

"Fat Pedo! WHY! Over.".

"James and Remus can't talk because Remus has, um…".

"Cramp in lower jaw, Fat Pedo. Over.".

"He has a cramp in his lower jaw, and James has a…".

"Amyotrophic lateral sclerosi. Ah-my-oh-tro-fic lah-ter-ral skle-roe-see. Over.".

"Guys, it's getting dark in here. Dirty Mutt going in. Over.".

Sirius plunged his head into the toilet, and started going in. Remus looked fascinated.

"Dirty Mutt, are you sure you can slide through? The tubes were only made for faeces, and it's clogged when Peter takes a dump. Over.".

"Jesus, Mom. Four Eyes, Fat Pedo always clogs it because his shit is around ten centimeters in radius if it's shaped like a cylinder. I'll make it. I don't drink much milk, so my bones are pretty bendable. Over.".

"Dirty Mutt, I'm pretty sure that the deficiency of milk results in brittle bones, not bendable. This means that your bones are more susceptible to damage. Over.".

"Ah, Potatoe, Potato. Same thing, they're pretty bendable. And I'm pretty sure I've only hospitalized myself fourteen times in relation to bones, which is a pretty standardized amount. Over.".

"Quidditch, and let me guess, a new sex position?".

"Say Over, Moony.".

"Over.".

It was a long time ago, but Remus still vividly remembered how Sirius's collarbone had fractured when he attempted a sex position he found in a Karma Sutra book and ended up with the bed in top of him and the girl halfway out of the window.

"Just slide, Dirty Mutt. When you reach an intersection, there will be three holes an-".

"That's what she said. Over.".

"DIRTY MUTT! Listen! Two of the holes will lead to the bottom of the Lake and the Hogwarts Sewers, which are both pretty exemplary in definition to why you shouldn't go there. The other will lead to the large water fountain in the kitchens. Two should have a faint light. The Hogwarts Sewers shouldn't have lights so ignore the one without. You will have to smell the difference, one will smell like pondweed and frog, the other will have a nice, homey smell with baked bread. I'm pretty sure you can smell the difference. Over.".

"I know what frog sperm smells like, so I'm pretty sure I know. Over.".

"Good for you. Fat Pedo, how is the situation out there? Over.".

"Can you repeat the name again? I've messed up twice in front of Lily. Over.".

"I mean, I have the physical capability to do it, but my m-".

"FOUR EYES!".

"Sorry, Muh-Hoony. Peter, it's amyotrophic lateral sclerosi. Ah-my-oh-tro-fic lah-ter-ral skle-roe-see. Over.".

Peter repeated it, and Lily looked highly concerned.

"Are they all right? I've heard that it's a very painful disease.".

Sirius slid down the chute, arms by his side. The darkness was overwhelming. Then, he slud into a larger corridor. Sirius temporarily asked Remus to allow scent into the Bubble Head. The order was done. There were three exits, two illuminated. He ignored the dark one. He sniffed one of the exits. It smelled of weed and frog and pond. He smelled the smell of the other. There was a soft smell of butter and bread. Sirius grinned. He decided to smell it again, just in case the mermen were cooking breakfast or something, and the house-elves were experimenting with lake-fish.

"This is Fat Pedo. I really need to wee. Over.".

"When do you not? Over.". James sounded exasperated.

"Four Eyes, be polite. Fat Pedo, cease all conversations with Lily, and tell her to go away. If she doesn't, whip it out. Over.".

"MOONY! We can't let her see the atrocities in Peter's pants! She'll get nightmares. With sweating. Sweating, Moony!".

"This is for a better cause. And, you forgot to say Over. Over.".

"Bollockerity! Peter! Don't you dare. Over.".

"Peter, are you alright?". Lily inquired. She may have been tolerable, but she was starting to resent Peter. However, she had a secondary aim - surveying the room. There was no trace of Black. She sighed. It was false hope to believe that Sirius was still alive.

"We've been trying to find his body. Don't you think you owe it to him, as his mates, that you help us?".

"Fat Pedo! Tell Lily that the soil Sirius dropped on has chemical properties due to the excess magical chemicals that Madam Pomfrey throws out. It not only produces the enzymes that are able to digest leaves, but also enzymes that can digest bodies. Sirius's body would have disappeared. Over.".

Peter relayed this to Lily. His bladder opened up a little. "Um, just need to wee.". Peter clutched his crotch area, and walked bowlegged closer to her. She took a step back.

"Well, tell the other boys that after breakfast, there'll be a funeral and a memorial for Sirius. Just come along, he's your best mate, after all.". Lily then walked out. Peter exhales, and waddled to the bathroom.

"Fat Pedo? Status update. Over.".

"Bogey eliminated. Code word for opening the room 'chocolate'. Over.".

The door slid open, Peter desperately waddled to the toilet. James and Remus quickly stopped this.

"Woah, woah. Fat Pedo, you can't go down there. Over.".

"Why not? I need it, it's bursting!".

"Just… just go down in the sink. Over.".

"Why are we still talking in the Marauder Channel? Can't we just take the Comms off? Over.".

"No, Sirius needs to communicate with us, in case he is in trouble. I mean Dirty Mutt. Over.".

"Lads, I think I'm alright. Peter can go now. I'm going down the right one. Over.".

Peter looked so happy and elated James and Remus didn't dare stop him. They averted their eyes when Peter started his stream. Meanwhile, Sirius found his hand glued to a small patch of seaweed. He tried pulling it, but it didn't come off. The thing was like duct tape in liquid form.

"Guys, I'm stuck. And please tell me you came to your senses and told Peter not to wee. Over.".

"Uhhhhh. Over.".

"Ahh! Tell me, please, that whatever is running down my leg is warm, tasty chrysanthemum and not Peter's piss. Over.".

"Might be. Apologies. Peter couldn't hold it. Over.".

As Peter finished, the sounds of an angered Sirius would have reached them even without wearing Bubble Head Charms. He reached his hand to flush, and James and Remus were too far away to help. It was as if everything was happening in slow motion. The toilet flushed with a resonating sound. James and Remus stared at each other, horrified.

"Dirty Mutt, do you copy?".

"I copy, and I'm gonna murder Fat Pedo. I'll… I'll boil your intestines in your own blood, and I'm gonna make you eat it. Over.".

"That's of a surprising similarity to Evans. Are you sure your reign of originality hasn't already been lost? Over.".

"Never. I'm always original. Just, you know, taking influence. And why is the sound of gallons of running water rushing towards me? Over.".

"Welllllll.".

"AHHH! CODE RED! I REPEAT, CODE RED! I'M GOING DOWN, INTO THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE! HELP!". Sirius screamed as the sticky liquid dissolved in the torrent of running water, and Sirius was swept by the currents into the bottom of the lake.

"Dirty Mutt, do you copy! DO YOU COPY!?". James was now frantic, with Remus who was pulling the comms line. His shirt was somehow lost and he was reaching into the toilet like a frenzied idiot. As he made a massive tug, the comms line was thrown out of the toilet, accompanied by a shoe, and horrifyingly, a patch of seaweed.

"I do, but I can't move. Help, please. It hurts, too. I'm pretty sure I'm at the bottom of the Great Lake. I can't move and I'm going to-".

"You're babbling, mate. James, he can't move because the water pressure is too high. Simple physics. The deeper you go, the more pressure you feel. I'm not sure his muscles will last long. Or his lack-of-calcium bones.".

"GUYS, HELP!".

"We're coming, Paddy. Don't you worry.".

James rushed out of the room, Remus hot on his tail. The sound of Peter buckling his belt faded behind them. Remus threw his long hair into a knot with a few strands running loose. He tried grabbing a shirt, but James grabbed his arm instead and ran out of the room.

"No time to lose, Moony. No time for worthless, capitalist objects of selfishness like clothing.".

Remus was about to argue about how clothing wasn't selfish, but as James looked back, his jaw dropped.

"What?".

"Mate, you look ... good. That hairstyle, mate.".

"The hair will get in my eyes, all right? I just whipped it together.".

"Well, don't blame me if you get looks from the girls. You have that rugged broody look, you know. And your scars make you look, well, manly.".

"WHY ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT HAIRSTYLE WHILE I'M DYING DOWN HERE! Over!".

As they charged down the staircase, they drew many eyes. The girls gasped as the duo ran past them. Mary drooled. She tried to call Remus, but he flew out of the room. James charged down the staircase, and as Sirius's voice started to weaken, he desperately ran to the West Staircase and looked down. The Great Lake glimmered.

"James, you're mad.".

A couple of students started whispering around the duo. Remus looked at his face. There was a discernible expression of dedication on his face. Remus sighed.

"I know a spell, but it's tricky.".

"We have to save Paddy. Do it.".

"HELLLP. PEOPLE ARE COMING! STRANGE, FISH LIKE PEEPS!". Sirius's channel then completely faded. James panicked, and Remus proclaimed, "Momentus Deletus', 'Stunnio', and James looked at his hands. They felt numb. The crowd started getting drowsy, due to Remus's spell. Remus didn't need people to know that the Marauders had started jumping from windows - kids especially might follow the trend and end up dead, disabled, or forced to eat a bottle of Skele-Gro for a night.

"I'm pretty sure we can jump from this ledge and land in the lake without repercussions. From here, the collision will be like concrete. It'll turn you into mush without the spell, if I got it wrong. You ready, James?".

"I'm pretty sure girls like mush. Lily probably likes soft things, definitely not stereotyping, so I won't mi-".

A girl grabbed Remus's left bicep and gave him a seductive smile. She then dropped to the ground, snoring. He shrieked, and shoved James out of the window, himself following. There was much screaming ( mostly on James's part ) and they crashed into the Lake. Their Bubble Head Charms allowed them to breathe. Remus flailed and grabbed James. James did the 'okay' sign, and Remus decided to do a little trick to find Sirius.

"Archimes Spherus - Bubblo!". The Bubble Head Charm exploded in a spherical pattern, and spread throughout the water. James looked at Remus, impressed.

"It'll connect humans with us, so we can see and hear Si-".

A bubble of talk broke out, and was amplified slowly as the number of humans increased. The charm had extended to the Great Hall, where unfortunately all the students were partaking in their daily ritual of breakfast.

"Shit! It's a bit too strong.".

"-just want to rape MacDonalds in that tight body of hers - I wonder if the Dark Lord will let me keep her as a sex slave.".

"-so difficult that I couldn't even do it after two nights of practice, TWO NIGHTS!".

"-this gravy is pretty superb, mate. Try it with the avocado.".

"I love you, Alice.".

A million voices flooded the Bubble Head Charm, and Remus and James winced. Then, people started finding out that they were all connected to a Bubble Charm. Even the teachers were included.

"Parma Harlswinter isn't really an E student - even if she is constantly punctual, she is not adept in such - why am I hearing all these students talk? "

"Woah, Mulciber. Mary's already smitten with another, you know?".

"What's going on?".

"Dark Lord?".

"What in bloody hells, you creep and pervert! Instantio Diarrheous!".

"You go get Alice, Frank!".

"Professor! Why am I not adept?".

"Uh, … gah.".

"THIS MEANS WAR!".

Pandemonium broke out. Lily jumped onto the table and jinxed Mulciber in the face. The Gryffindors declared war on Slytherin, with Mulciber's rather explicit commentary judged as an act of battle. Their allies, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff as joined in, who all found Mulciber a disgusting creep. Jinxes and curses flew in every direction.

As the noises in Remus's head grew louder, he found a distinctive voice - Sirius's. He cut off all other connections between the others and Sirius, James and himself.

"THANK GOD! WOLF BOY, FOUR EYES, THEY'VE GOT ME - THE MERDUDES. HELP!". Sirius's voice was also slowly fading. It seemed the mermen magic was conflicting with Remus's magic. He whipped out his wand to do a Locator Charm, but that didn't work. Curse mermen magic! He tried a Tracking Charm, and luckily, it did. The wand tip burned a blinding white south-west, and straight down.

"Four Eyes - create a sphere glass container for us with propulsion charms at the back. The shape will reduce the overall pressure. I can't do it, because my wand is using the Tracking Charm".

"It's not that easy, Moony. And how big?".

"Big enough to house all of us.". James took us as Sirius as well, and transfigured a floating patch of kelp into a massive sphere with metallic tempered glass walls, and an area at the back for Propulsion Charms. They entered it, and James grinned at his handiwork.

"Impressive, I'll admit. I won't lie, McGonagall wasn't joking around when she gave you an O. What's er, this?". Remus held up a picture of Lily.

"Oh, I was thinking about her. You heard her hex Mulciber?".

"Yeah. He's probably transformed into an obese leech with digestive problems.".

James grinned. "Let's go find Sirius.". He tried the Propulsion Charm, but it only succeeded in going forward. James kicked the sphere in annoyance, and Remus held his head in his hands.

"It can only go forwards?".

"Well, if I-". James smashed his shoulder into the side of the sphere, "-Use enough-", he did it again, "-strength, then-", He collided with the wall, and the sphere tilted ninety degreees, straight down, "-no". He grinned, and the Propulsion Jet pushed them down. Remus commandeered the sphere, and shoved the side of the sphere with a foot when he needed to change direction.

The expanse of mermen city opened beneath them. Mermen pointed and gasped at the sphere floating down, and Sirius waved frantically, his body strapped to a pole. He was still wearing his stupid pink kimono, but his wig was gone.

A merman swam, approaching. He looked like the leader.

"I've got this. Remus. I think I know the word for 'we're not going to do any harm'.".

"You sure?".

"Positive.".

The Tracking Charm faded. Remus tapped James and his Bubble Head to speech noise in and out of the Bubble. They didn't disembark the ship - the pressure was too high.

James swam up to the guy, as best as he could in the limited space, and said a series of blowing noises and squealing. The merman looked unamused. Another man pushed through the ranks. He was dressed in grandeur, with rich golden robes.

"I speak English. You're Mermish is very rusty, if you have ever spoken. You have just told my champion that 'your wife is pretty fucking fit'. He is not amused.".

"Oh, well. I apologize.". Under his breath, James cursed Sirius, who told him this phrase. Sirius sent him an innocent smile. "I was trying to say that we meant no harm.".

"It is forgiven. In our language, many words are similar. Wife and Harm are, what do you call it? Ah, homophones. We also use the same words for a lot of meanings. For example, -mermish noises- , can mean smart and stupid.".

Remus tried to open his mouth and say that there was no way the same word could have two opposite meanings.

"Here is my champion, Grudlow. His is a smart, yet stupid fellow. He is fat, yet slim. And he is strong, yet weak.".

Remus's head was swimming. He now understood what is Father told him about mermen. They were mental.

"We are here to retrieve our, ah, friend.". Remus gestured to Sirius, who waved at the mermen.

"You shall receive him. He has been very accommodating and entertaining, telling stories of his youth and tales of his experience at Hogwash. We understand you cannot leave the um ... ship, so we will carry him in for you. ".

"Why is he tied to a pole?".

The merman didn't answer, but inquired. "Is it true, James Potter, that you have broken your collarbone while attempting to recreate the Merman Sex Position?".

James glared at Sirius, who shrugged.

"And you, Remus Lupin, intentionally drank horse sperm?".

Remus also glared at Sirius.

"Well, we can educate you in the fields of the merman sex position, as a gift.".

James and Remus desperately tried to say no, but they took a look at Sirius, who was shaking his head frantically. Remus noticed the grips of the mermen's spears, and saw that any resistance may be a dishonor to the merpeople.

Back at the castle, the teachers were finally putting the finishing touches to the stopping of the outrageous battle that had occurred. Mulciber was somewhere, no one knew, and was currently existing as a slimy snail with digestive problems. The tables were rearranged and cleansed of the food fight that had occurred in parallel to the war between the Gryffindors and the Slytherins.

It took ten minutes for the jinxes to stop flying. After that, it was calm sailing. The dark colors were hung up, Sirius's grinning face was tapestried, and Dumbledore was giving a speech on the courageous and unique feats he had presented to the Hogwartians during his time of life. Although, no one noticed, he was trying to hide a smile.

His body was never found. The Hogwarts Choir sang a chorus for him. Candles were lit. Dumbledore grinned when no-one was looking. The mermen had already contacted him. They were in the Lake - the apparent dead Sirius Black also.

For the next half an hour, they observed with some sick perversion as a merman performed coitus with a mermaid, and they watched tonelessly as the merman bend into an F shape and the mermaid a U shape, and the two started thrusting and gyrating their hips. Their beautiful tempered glass gave them a 360 panoramic view of the crazy orgy that was occurring before them.

At long last, they were allowed to take Sirius, but were sent up to the surface the hard way, as the lead merman raised his spear and their were sent shooting to the top. James and Sirius screamed and clung to Remus, and they shot out of the water, landing at the front of the steps. Even inside they heard the sounds of soft singing and chanting. Their broken glass littered the front steps. So much for the metallic tempered glass.

Sirius choked out some seaweed.

"Thanks, mate. And you, James.".

"Anytime, Dirty Mutt. That was pretty exciting.".

"Yeah, that was fucking exciting. Almost dying a few times was exciting.".

"Jeez, Moony. You sure you're not on PMS?".

"How are we going to break it to them that you're alive?".

"Don't worry, Four Eyes. I've got a plan.".

"I never knew the merdudes were so ... open towards sex. You ever thought of an immigration into their cities?".

"Sirius? You are strange. And what happened to your kimono?".

"Pink, kimono, Prongsiekins. Adjectives is as important as the noun.". Sirius fakes a sob. "That kimono and I had been through so much together.".

Sirius was clad only in his bikinis and boxers. A strange combination - no doubt. How the bra survived the velocity and force as they shot out of the water whilst the kimono, which was strapped tightly to Sirius's body, didn't- Remus could only dream. A strand of tissue hung from the bra and Sirius's lower lip. James transfigured some shirts and clean pants for the trio to wear. Sirius's shirt read, You Know What They Say About 'Black' Men, with a massive arrow pointing South. (Into the known regions of masculinity).

The trio started walking. As they neared the Great Hall, the voices became more clear.

"He was a good friend. He helped me out with my homework. Then, he fingered a bird.".

The audience chuckled, but sadly, because they knew those days were over. McGonagall took the microphone.

"Sirius Black-".

"Is not dead.". Sirius said, walking into the room. The crowd oohed and aahed as James, Remus and Sirius parted the crowd. Girls stared.

McGonagall looked happy, but then sniffed in disdain - apparently her relief that Sirius had returned alive had already been replaced with annoyance. Sirius jogged up to the podium - and snatched the mic away from McGonagall. When she protested, Sirius kissed her right cheek, causing laughs from the audience. James and Remus ended up on the Gryffindor tables, where students parted seats for them like they were divine beings.

"So, yesterday, everyone thought I was dead. I wasn't. Um… I was just trying to fake my death so that an event dedicated to Sirius Black would happen, and I could take some time with everybody's attention to do a little survey, and advertise the MARAUDER MISCELLANEOUS MAGICAL MATERIALS™️. Our products are safe for use, and are definitely worth the price.".

The audience laughed. James and Remus tried to hide their grins.

"We've just started mass-producing our new product - Marauder Multivitamins. You see, um," Sirius produced one out of his trousers. "You've got one shaped like a … pencil, that one boosts your intellect. There's one shaped like a labia-". At this, the audience roared with laughter, "This actually gives you chlamydia. I've been wanting to remove it, because we don't want a lawsuit.". Sirius shook out some more, and described their properties. Remus was horrified. He'd eaten the very pill this morning. He'd certainly didn't feel like he had chlamydia.

"... and using the code word 'remusisretarded', with no capitals, you can get a 15 percent discount on buying. There's only 250 uses, so do it quickly. Cheers.". The audience clapped, and McGonagall once again took the mic. Sirius hopped to sit next to them.

"Well, I'd like to say I'm gratified that a student was returned to us, but ….. I'm not.". The audience laughed, and Sirius feigned heartbreak.

"Are you sure the pill had chlamydia?". Remus whispered frantically to Sirius.

"Yep. Lethal dose of the STD I bagged in Manchester. One pill- you're scarred for life.".

Remus was obviously contemplating his life choices. For the second time that day, his hands reached out to strangle him, but Sirius pulled out one of Multivitamins, tossed a few into his hand, including the red one, and swallowed it. Remus blinked.

"What, you thought it actually gave you chlamydia? Hah! It just gives you a massive sex drive. Maybe makes you a bit drowsy at first - not really sure how to counteract those effects.".

Remus relaxed internally. He didn't have chlamydia. He was now not permanently restricted from sex. Not that he wanted to have sex.

"Sirius…. why do I hang around you?". Sirius looked a bit hurt, but grinned.

"Because you're our Moonykins! Oh, bollocks! I forgot.". He rushed up to the microphone. James saw this as a golden opportunity to become a massive prankster, and shot Sirius with a motion-increase spell. Sirius shot forwards at four hundred nautical kilometers per hour. He crashed into McGonagall so hard that she flew into the crowd. An echo of screaming and sobbing followed. Sirius looked mildly concerned.

"Well, I forgot something.", Sirius said to the crowd as the Hufflepuff helped a glaring McGonagall up from the remnant and nursed their wounds. "This is definitely a PG question, so if you are 13 years of age or younger, I'd ask you to leave this room.".

The crowd burst into raucous rioting. Kids were throwing their utensils in the air and were stampeding on the four tables. The teachers couldn't even control them, even with magic on their side.

"All right, all right, don't shit yourself. Fine, you don't have to leave. Well, I'm going to do a survey, it's a question where if you want that option, you put your wands in the air, and say Holoo!".

There was an outburst of sniggering.

"Right, here's the question.". He glanced around the room. Everyone was hanging on his words. "Would you prefer a man with a vasectomy or without? This is only for girls, unless you are gay, which I don't mind.".

McGonagall put her head in her hands. She called out, to stop the outrageous 'survey' but found her voice overshadowed by an outbreak of talk. Even she was surprised at the power Siris wielded over the students. One called out.

"What is a vasectomy?".

Sirius looked appalled.

"Well, my apprentice, a vasect-".

"No, that's enough.". McGonagall marched onto the stage, hands on her hips with that expression that meant you would not be sleeping without a backache - or rather not sleeping at all.

"- is a medical procedure where the males vas deferens is cut, tied or sealed to prevent male semen-"

"Black, do you want lifelong detention?".

"-entering the vagina of the women - which means that as a person who has had a vasectomy, you cannot-"

"Black…..".

"-impregnate the woman. Yes, Minnie?".

"Don't you think this may be a little ... inappropriate?". McGonagall's eyes flickered towards the teachers.

The teachers were interested, but definitely not opposed to it. It was a boring Wednesday morning, and the most interesting thing that proved of date was the fight between the students. Even now, Sirius was completely allowed to take a survey of the school and opinions, albeit an inappropriate one. It was completely in the school rules. Students often did surveys, to add more credible statistics or whatnot in their homework or projects.

In fact, Flitwick had leant forward, hoping to contribute some information onto the subject, but was warned with a dangerous glare from McGonagall and sat back.

"Nah. I need this for information. I'm going to do a vasectomy if all goes well.".

McGonagall stared at him blankly. Sirius continued to lecture the first year on the benefits and risks of vasectomies.

"All right, now, if I was going to have sex with a male, I would want him to have a vasectomy. Which of you agree with the statement?".

Almost all the girls and a boy's hands shot up. Sirius raised his eyebrows - the test had proved more successful than he thought. He knew Fiona Smith would definitely not agree to this - she had an impregnation fetish, and Maria Carley already had twins at age 16 (don't ask), some others included. After tallying up the scores, the numbers proved 231 - 12 in favor of a man with a vasectomy.

"Well, thanks for participating in the survey. I'll be back at dinner, completely unable to have children.". McGonagall stopped him.

"Are you sure about this? Why don't we have a talk in my office?".

"Nah. Lessons start now, don't they. It's Potions, which gives me an excuse to use a knife to sever off my males vas deferens and be unable to create sperm.".

McGonagall gave him a concerned look. Then, she walked away, defeated, knowing that there was no possible way to steer Sirius away from his task. Sirius bounced to Remus and James, who gave him a look.

"Really? To the whole school?".

"You're mentally ill, mate.".

They were halfway down the stairs when Peter joined them. He looked wild - and when he joined them he grinned at the audience, making some girls squirm.

"Don't worry, Peter-Teeter is here, ladies.".

The females in the crowd quickly departed.

"Cheers to driving them out, Peter.".

"Wait, what happened?".

Remus filled him in on the details.

"You really are crazy and amazing, Sirius. Let me worship you.". Peter knelt on the ground.

Sirius brushed off the concerns of his friends about his mental state, and began to hum to himself as he strolled to the dungeons. Sirius seemed jovial. Throughout their journeys Sirius was fistbumped by what seemed like the whole male population, swooned at by girls, and a fourth year named Willie Creevy (no, actually, that was his name. And yes, it rhymed too) snatched a sword from a nearby knight, and proclaimed fidelity, loyalty, and unrivaled dedication to become one of Sirius's Kingsguard. (a group of knights who were tasked with protecting Sirius).

This was denied, as the piece of armor stomped after Creevy, sending him flying into the Charms' Corridor.

"That was interesting.". Remus had already had his daily dose of paparazzi who were mostly bent on capturing photos of the infamous Marauders. He didn't need more popularity.

"Interesting? That was bloody brilliant, Black! Evans saw me getting nightly activities from Cindy Derrington. Cindy Derrington! Fittest bird in fifth year. And I was jumping up and down as well - after all, soon she'll come to her senses. That's a win.".

Remus didn't know how that was a plus, as Lily physically saw James accept a sex proposal with themost beautiful girl a year below him with gusto - but it always took a while before James's mental gears began to turn when the subject was on Lily.

"Oh…". James cursed. He finally caught up. "Dammit, why is Padfoot always good at this stuff? Girls are so confusing.".

"Say, where is Padfoot?".

Back at the Great Hall, Sirius and Peter were being threatened by Lily as Mary shot them sympathetic looks and Marlene stared out of the window. Peter gasped for air as his double chin wobbled.

"Lily, the weather is really nice outside. Oh, look, those Threstals are breeding! I can see the peni-".

Lily tilted her head, and Peter shot forward like a bullet. Lily grabbed his scruff and shoved him backwards, leading him back to the same spot. Mary chuckled.

"Thinking of Moony, McDonalds?".

"Maybe.".

"Lily, this really isn't necessary alright, we can go forth civilized people and talk this out.".

"Oh, but I've already scheduled a meeting with the house elves - in fact I told them specifically to start a hot pan and a grill and some salt and pepper.".

"Wait, you're going to eat pepper?".

"No, Wormtail, she's going to season my balls with it, then force me to eat it. By the way, the Lake is looking stunningly glamorous today. Oh, oh! JAMES! O'ER HERE!".

James's name made Lily's head snap around like a whip, and Sirius bolted out in the opposite direction. Peter, however, had no sense of direction and sprinted randomly, following Sirius's actions, and bowled into Lily and Marlene, causing screams.

This was later revealed to be the reason why Sirius's bits were still attached to his body. He caught up to James and Remus, who were laughing together, and they stared at him.

"Where have you gone? Are you okay? You look exhausted.".

"Mate, Cindy Derrington and me are getting it on, tonight ... if you may know.".

"Yes, yes, you've mentioned it far too many times.".

"Congrats, mate. I'd fuck her. She's pretty fit, and has a pretty face.".

"Do you always just objectify women into whatever their body looks like?".

"No ... okay sometimes.".

"I'd like to hear a yes.".

"Look Moony, I just almost got beaten up by Lily, just calm down, alright. James, your girlfriend is barking. Barking.".

"What did she do?".

"Threatened me a few times, tried to capture me more times, and ended with me doing a heroic escape and leaving her humiliated and in the dust.".

"You mean Peter sacrificed himself for you?".

"Well, there are some intricacies-".

"Sirius!".

"He'll be fine. The girls are probably so disgusted that they went to the Prefects' Bathroom for a while.".

Remus tried to locate and help Peter, but James and Sirius pulled him to the dungeons.

The three entered the Potions classroom, still wearing their t-shirts, and the class burst into applause. Potions were the only non-Slytherin class they had, as the only Slytherin who actually had Potions was Snape and he loathed the company of the Marauders and opted to take Potions on weekends. Slughorn attempted to quiet down the students but found himself clapping Sirius's back, and giving advice for his future careers.

"With confidence such as that, Mr. Black, I'd say you would excel in a theatre, perhaps a wizarding musical. Or maybe a band in a circus.". Sirius ignored Slughorn, and marched to his desk. Frank clapped him on the back. Derrick Longhong (Half Chinese-British or as his mates like to call him, Longschlong) cheered him on.

Peter entered the room, with many bruises on his face, the trio of girls coming in a few minutes later, Lily a giving a menacing glare to Sirius. Remus noticed Peter's presence, which the others didn't.

"Hey, Peter, where have you been?".

"With Sirius. I sorta ran into som-".

"Right. Enough. Enough!". Slughorn proclaimed.

"Today we shall be learning how to make a Wandlore Potion. Some of the effects-", Slughorn tapped the board, "-are on the board. The instructions are there as well. Ingredients can be found in the cupboard-", the cupboard sprang open, "-results shall be left here, in a vial, labeled with your name clearly. I do not want funny, jokey names, Mr. Black, as you will know, Pussyslayer, is not appropriate. Please proceed.".

Remus rubbed some soothing valve onto Peter's bruises.

There was a mad rush as the students started a stampede in their rush to find the better ingredients. Wandlore Potions were one they had to be tested on their practicals in their NEWTS, and most in the sixth-year class found this lesson superlatively important.

"Now, Mr. Black, I hear your grandfather Luchier has passed. He was a fine man, a friend of mine, and a true contribu-".

"He called you a smelly fattyhead that badgered him incessantly during his time at Hogwarts in one of our nightly gatherings.". Sirius retorted, not even looking up from the knife he was holding, which he mused whether or not it was sharp enough to cut through the skin membrane of his testosterones.

"Yes… well please extend my most cordial condolences to the Black Family. I hear your cousin Bellatrix is finding work at the Ministry?".

"Most likely trying to become a high-class prostitute. She's apparently fit, rich and stupid. Three attributes already there.". Sirius's attitude soured with loathing once Bellatrix's name was mentioned. He took a particular pleasure in degrading her - they weren't the closest and most trusting of siblings.

Slughorn swelled. "Now don't talk to your sister like that. She was a smart young lass in my classes.".

"Is that what you tell yourself at night after slipping your willy up her bum?".

Slughorn swelled like a bullfrog. The entire class stared at the duo. Then, Slughorn guffawed so loudly the ceilings cracked and dust rained from the cracks. Some of it went into bubbling concoctions, making the owners swear and curse.

"You're your mother's boy, alright. Remembered her when she was still a young bird - a sharper tongue I've ever seen. Called me a sad old sot she did. But-". His voice suddenly changed, and his face was right in front of Sirius's. "-you say that to me again, and you're in detention.". His voice was back to normal.

"Have a good Potion-brewing, Mr. Black.". He made his way to his office.

The entire class gaped. Slughorn's mood swings were legendary.

Remus sat down next to him, heating up the flames and watching as the water bubbled. He gave him a look.

"Aren't you going to start?".

"Where are my ingredients?".

"In the cupboard.".

"Wha- you little fiend. You didn't take some for me?".

"Sirius, I'm not your dog or servant.".

"True.". James sat down to Remus's other side. "You're the most doglike here.".

"Then why have you gotten Peter's?".

"Because he just got beat up by three women. Not fat-shaming or anything, but it is humiliating and painful both mentally and physically. Show some respect.".

"No comment there. His popularity is just going to drop.".

"You just said no comment. And by the way, our popularity gets affected as well - not that I care, but you guys obviously might - as we have around him.".

"Oh the little pussyhole. The girls might not look at me anymore. Moony, not looking at me! Looking at me, Moony! Oh, the shame. The shame! Are you going to get my ingredients or not?".

"No, but I do have something for you.". Sirius raised an eyebrow. Remus extended his middle finger.

"Riggght. I'll just get my ingredients like some common plebeian, shall I?". Sirius traipsed to the cupboard, only to have a girl giggle, approach him, and hand him the full set of ingredients. Sirius grinned and kissed her cheek.

"You man-whore. Those were the best ingredients as well.". James craned his head to look at the girl, who was now scavenging the cupboard for some form of credible roots.

"The girls spoil you so.".

"The perks of being the most eligible bachelor of Hogwarts.".

"Aren't you with ahhh…. whatshername? Lindsay Westernas?". Remus stirred his soupy mixture.

"Yes… until she proposed to me. We were only going for like 2 weeks and she turned up to my dorm wearing lingerie and a ring. Mental. Threw her out.". Remus gave him an unbelieving look.

"Let's see.". Sirius rubbed some beetle juice onto his balls - a natural anesthesia, and pressed the butter knife he took from breakfast to his ballsack. Remus looked away respectfully. Wormtail, on the other hand, began to stare at his sack, making the surgery incredibly uncomfortable.

"Sirius, are you sure about this?".

"Sure, don't want any kids. Babies are annoying, screaming, ear-throbbing little lumps of meat that eat, sleep and shit. Better off without them. ".

"What if your, ah ... significant other wants to have kids?".

"Just adopt. More adoption, less foster care. Doing a deed for the world, one kid at a time. I want to take them in when they're actually able to help around the house, not dirty around the house.".

Remus was quite impressed with this. He hadn't thought Sirius to be the adoption type.

"So you're sure you don't want kids.".

"Positive. And you're getting annoying, Remy-baby.".

"Don't call me that.". Remus made a face.

"Which line do I cut? There's so many. And what is this? And extra ball? There's a clump of mushy stuff on the underside.".

"That could potentially be a gathering of cancer cells, or a third testes - which isn't common. Or it just could be mould.".

Sirius gasped horrifically.

"I take care of my body. There is no way there is mould on my ballsack.".

"Is that why you skipped showering for a week so you could have coitus with some fifth year named Venus Herring because she had a homeless fetish?".

"That is a good excuse to skip showering. Besides, she's actually quite fit. And don't use the word coitus. It just sounds so weird and scientific. Oh, situation on Pedo Sluggy?".

Remus scanned the room for obesity. He found one leaning against Lily's desk, chatting her up. James besides him tensed and Remus knew it was only a matter of seconds before he upended the entire room to charge the fat old teacher. Remus grabbed James's arm and calmed him down.

"In a conversation with Lily. He'll go to great lengths to prolong it, so I bet we're safe for a while.".

"Well back on the subject then, it's either cancer or a third testes.". James breezily said.

"I have faith in my body, so I'm going for the latter . And is it like a third nipple for the girls?".

"A supernumerary nipple, you mean.". James butted in.

"Yes, yes.".

"What intellectual conversations we all have.".

Remus stirred the mixture. He looked over to Sirius, who kept shifting around the butter knife and crying out in pain when it came into contact with his skin.

"Sirius, add in a spoonful of murtlap faeces. The blackfish has been broiled enough.".

Sirius scooped the butter knife into the jar and tossed some murtlap faeces into his cauldron, which bubbled dangerously. He went back to using it as a scalpel - although Remus was highly concerned about the sanitary state of the kitchen utensil.

"You realize you just plunged the knife into a pile of dung?".

"Hmmm.".

Remus wrestled the knife from Sirius, who started bawling. Remus then quickly cleaned with a Scourgify and handed it back.

"Bloody baby.".

"Whatever, Moonster.".

Remus took a glance at his nether regions.

"Why is it so shiny and blackish?".

Sirius's balls were indeed covered in a tar like substance that shone in the light of the candles.

"Uh, I put some beetle juice onto my balls - you know, a neutral anesthesia.".

"Sirius…". Remus put his head in his arms.

"Wha?".

"I don't know where you have read that, but beetle juice solidifies solids. It also stimulates your nerve cells in the allocated area - and makes them more responsive.".

"English, please?".

"Basically, it'll be impossible to cut through that, and you'll feel so much pain you'll probably pass out.".

"Why don't you let Madam Pomfrey do it for you? Or an actual medical professional?".

"James, I'm sure McGonagall will swoop in with Madam Pomfrey, knock me out, and remove any memory of the survey. I'm not taking that risk.".

"Which has more consequences that say - cutting out the testicular artery?".

"Whatever, Moonykins.".

"You should still try to avoid the testicular artery. You cut that, blood will spurt out like crazy.".

Sirius tried to press his butter knife onto the operating area, but it was as hard as cement.

"You still have the beetle juice on you.".

"Buggeration! Beetles are absolutely useless.".

"You'll have to either scrape it off or pour cold Pimm's onto it to neutralize it.".

"Pimm's?".

"Yes, Pimm's.".

"Why? I don't want gin running down my leg.".

"Well, some strange chemical they put in there gets beetle juice off.".

"Not doing it. Nu-uh. Not in my life am I having cold fruit gin poured down on my manliness.".

"What are you boys doing?". The four of them snapped upwards to look at Slughorn, who was surveying the situation of their cauldrons and their contents. He seemed particularly impressed in Sirius's.

"We were disciplining Sirius on the best way to cut Dragon Tailstrings.".

Sirius hurriedly pulled up his trousers.

"Oh, added a perfect amount of murtlap faeces, good weighing, Mr Black.".

James sniggered, Pedo, and went back to his potion. Sirius's cauldron was filled with a darkish brown solution that was as thick as paste and was a far cry from the desired yellowish runny liquid. He nodded as Remus's, which was perfect, and wandered off.

"You got any Pimm's, James?".

"Negative. And how do you even know this?".

"I read. If you have read the book that we had to memorize for Third Year, James, Third Year, then you would've known that fruit gin dissolves solidified beetle juice.".

"Why do we even need to use Pimm's? It's not even specified! We got lied to! We got scammed!".

"Well, do you want me to buy you a glass of gin from some random brothel or a standardized product of a multimillionaire company?".

"Stop flaunting your logic, smarty.".

"Sirius, you know what? Go to St. Mungos. Just book an appointment - in fact, I'll do it. I've got some contacts, my Father's high up in the Board and I can get you in and out without much problem.".

"Ooh, look at me, I'm James Potter and I've got contacts, piss off. I can only trust my own ability. The world is a dark, dark place. Oh, and also you and Moony. Nothing else, though.".

"That is oddly endearing. But Sirius, we are really doing this for your own good.".

"Look, I have the knowledge of my own body that both of you will never know. I've got secret openings, shortcuts-".

"Which are both products of either an amputation or a very weak body.".

"-and I know my way around my regions better than you do. Or any other Healer, in fact.".

Sirius put the knife to his operating area and scraped off solidified beetle juice. He looked at Remus expectantly, as if he had just accomplished a feat worthy of the gods. It was only then that he realized he had also scraped off a little of his outer skin, leaving the balls a dangerous red hue. It started bleeding. He hissed.

Sirius pressed his knife to his skin for the second time. He hissed. Again.

"I can't stand this. The idiot needs to be stopped.". Remus hissed to James, who murmured his assent. Lily's eyes wandered towards them. There was a lot of hissing going on.

"Should we knock him out?". James started rolling up his sleeves.

"Lily looked away, by the way.".

"Bugger!". He pushed down his sleeves.

James changed his demeanor and startled when he saw his smoking mess of a cauldron.

"Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, bloody fat, ripening Merlin's bollocks!".

"That's a nice picture.".

"Easy for you to say.". Remus's potion was perfect in every way. Even the smell was good - like baked cookies. Besides them, Sirius gave a cry of pain. Remus glanced at his surgery process.

"Oh, our Lord Christ. Save him.".

"Excuse me?".

"Jesus Christ. Surely you've heard of him.".

"The guy nailed to a cross and who's mom was a virgin who was probably not a virgin as she was knocked up but was still called a virgin?".

"She was divinely conceived, James. She is still a Virgin - Virgin Mary. Oh, and also the religion of more than a billion people.". Blood started leaking from Sirius's wound.

"Oh Christ.".

"Stop saying that! It's like you're addicted.".

"Am not.".

"Am.".

"Am not.".

'Am".

"Yeah, bloody mature, aren't you? It's a prayer. He needs some divine miracle right now.". Remus nodded to Sirius. Blood started pooling. Remus hurriedly stopped the bleeding and admonished Sirius, who called him 'Mom' and continued.

"Prongs, he ain't listening.".

"Shit. Create a diversion. Operation Rattlesnake.".

"It's your call, so you do the puking.".

"Aw, shit I knew I forgot something.".

James scoured the table for a long, hard substance. Preferably nothing too un-PG. He found a glass rod for stirring, and pressed it to the ceiling of his mouth. Remus looked at him expectantly.

"Oh, shit. Your six-year crush is looking at you.".

James spluttered and accidentally puked up a little. Remus stood up.

"Um, Professor. James here isn't feeling so good. He's actually um….". James upended a bit more of his stomach contents. It splattered on the floor. Sirius looked up, amused. "Retching. May I take him to the toilet? Or Madam Pomfrey?".

"Yes, Yes, Mr. Lupin. And Mr. Potter, if you have any more problems, feel free to visit me in my office. You are always welcome here.". Remus threw in some pixie powder, and started to simmer the mixture. It had to be done for half an hour, so they had plenty of time. Remus grabbed James's arm.

"Peter, if Sirius tries anything remotely dangerous, do it.".

Peter saluted him. James choked and tossed out a milky substance from his oesophagus. When he could speak, James gasped for a question.

"Was Lily watching?".

"Might be.".

He looked at Lily, who was giving James the mist disgusted look anyone could muster.

"Is she, is she-".

"She looks concerned, and mouths if you are okay.".

"I am, Lily. I AM! I AMMM!".

Remus pushed him out of the door. James gasped and shuddered.

"Don't ever do Operation Rattlesnake ever again.".

"What did you eat? Your puke, it was like… condensed milk.".

"Was not! I was trying out steamed Chinese dumplings.".

"Steamed dumplings?".

"Yeah. The insides were a little weird, and they tasted like crab.".

"Oh, Christ. They were probably crab. Sometimes the crab tastes a little off, and it's awful. If you're unlucky, it'll give you severe diarrhea and uh…. testicular discomfort.".

"Aw, bollocks. I knew I shouldn't have taken that magazine from Sirius. It just had a really fit Asian bird on the cover.".

"So, how are we going to help Sirius?".

"Maybe a spell that stuns him, knocks him out, or maybe makes him think a little clearer.".

"Yeah, Library.". They sprinted up the stairs three at the time and slammed into the library door so hard they knocked out a small second year getting his books for Transfiguration. Remus tried helping him up, but James grasped his collar and pulled him forwards.

"Madam Pince! Oh, how lovely you are, in your uh… baggy pants and cardigan. Very sexy, if I may say so myself.".

"Potter. Give me one reason why I should not throw you out of the library for misbehavior and misconduct.".

Remus skidded to a halt in front of the librarian. She gave Remus a rare smile.

"Afternoon, Remus. Do you need any help?".

James gave Remus a look that definitely spelled that she was a specialist child-molester, but Remus brushed it off.

"Uh, I need a book that details everything about the alternations and casting of sperm and uh… the male reproductive organ.".

Madam Pince's mouth set a thin line and Remus knew he just lost her favor for, maybe, a little more than a few lifetimes.

"May I ask why?".

"Just give us a book, you goddamn old hag!".

"James…".

"Get out, James Potter! How dare you call me such disgusting and disrespectful names. Out! Out!".

"Not until you give me my book.".

"Madam Pince ... our friend is in danger. We need it.".

"Oh, is this Sirius Black then?". Remus winced. Sirius was even more of a notorious and callous troublemaker than James. So, he did what anyone would do. He lied.

"No, it's uh, Lily Evans. She just needs immediate help on her work on the reproductive organs for her uh… Nursing career. Or a Healer.".

Madam Pince's mouth softened and she smiled.

"Of course, my dear. Tell Lily that the Library misses her.".

It took the ratty old librarian ten minutes to fetch the book. James grumbled and Remus sat there, knowing what was probably going on in Potions. She handed them a novel on the required subject. As James and Remus left, James whispered to Remus, with a thick book in his grasp, that she probably hides children for a job. Remus chuckled.

"Now what?".

"Well, there is a spell here that permanently removes sperm from the testes, but of course the testes would produce more. Oh! Found it, blocks the vas deferens and can also be lifted-". Remus and James grinned, "-but the recipient must not have sex or do anything in relation to the sexual organs for a week to remove all stray sexual fluids before the spell.".

"Bril. Now we need to get the Pimm's and quickly go back to the dungeons. I wonder what atrocities Sirius has done to his sexual organs.".

"Don't want to think about it.". They rushed to the kitchens, narrowly avoiding Professor Pomona bringing up a potted plant. The smell of butter and pastry enclosed them as James finished tickling the pear.

"How may we help you, Master James?". James grinned. It took a while, but the little elves had finally called James by his first name.

"We would like some Pimm's, please.".

The elves looked around at each other. James frowned. There was almost never a delay.

"We are a little concerned about your age, Master James.".

"Oh, please, I'm 16 and I can handle some gin. I've had Butterbeer and Firewhiskey.".

"I'm not sure Professor McGonagall would allow it.".

"Oh, Minnie can go suck a-".

"Say, I've been here a few times and the service here is horrendous! Lackluster, with no coordination at all. Is this what to expect from the Hogwarts's elves?".

The elve's eyes went wide. He started being frantic.

"No, my Master Lupin. Please, do not judge us-".

"You have such large and round ears, uh, what is your name?".

The elf started looking tearful.

"Pissy, Master Lupin.". Remus raised an eyebrow at James. He shrugged,and mouthed, why Sirius likes to go to the kitchens.

"Well, Pissy, it would mean a lot to me and my reviews on Hogwarts Culinary Staff if you would help us a little by giving us some Pimm's.".

"But, but-".

"They look like shining opals.".

The elf started hiccuping in elation. He nodded to the rest.

A squadron of elves marched in with a bottle of Pimm's hoisted over their shoulders. James gratefully accepted it and gave Remus a look of deep admiration. They exited the kitchen.

"You sly dog. How did you do that?".

"Well, I read somewhere that elves love people complimenting their ears. They're funny that way. And really, Pissy? I've never heard of him before.".

"You don't come down much often. He's the son of… whatsername? Yeah, Jenky and Strunti.". True, ever since the OWLS, the ever rare trips to the kitchens were even more of a scarcity for Remus.

"Oh, yeah, I remember Strunti. His son's name is a little strange, though.".

"It's really the only reason why Sirius comes down instead of having me pick the food for him. He likes saying the name.".

"Speaking of Sirius….". They shot to the dungeons, hoping that they weren't too late.

When James and Sirius left, Skughorn patted his stomach and passed gas chronically. The students to the front stoppered unused tongs onto their noses as this was a normal occurrence.

"Oh, dearie me. I must leave for the privy. I can feel it building up. Oh, I can feel it. Ooooh.". Slughorn's body released another wave of pungent emissions.

"I must leave, otherwise to convenience you all. Continue with your Potion making. I shall be back shortly. Miss Evans shall maintain order.".

Lily did not seem so proud to be appointed a title by a man who had serious digestive problems, but accepted it gratefully. She grinned evilly at Sirius, who was fortunately preoccupied in his surgery.

Slughorn left. A few seconds passed, and a babble of talk broke out.

"Remember the last time he left for the toilet? We weren't allowed to leave classrooms without being dismissed. He forgot to dismiss us, the Great Hall was overrun by Peeves and his shenanigans so there was no dinner and no one suspected we were all gone. It took the fat old shit till ten to get his stuff done, and by then half of us were asleep.".

The majority of the class muttered their assent, wondering whether they would be caged in the dungeons until midnight.

As Siirus pressed his butter knife to his red hot balls, it appeared to him, from the vivid color of his nether regions, that he should've heated up the knife. Of course, Sirius, was unknowingly, quite deluded and traumatized from his experience four hundred meters below sea-level ( which, later, would've been identified by Professor McGonagall as the cause for his level of immaturity and his amplified requirement of a therapist ) heated up the knife until it was red-hot in his cauldron fire.

As the knife neared to his skin once again, Sirius was forcibly choked by Peter, who had been staring at his past movements in the past minute. Nonetheless, the fat boy was no use for the Quidditch-obsessed fanatic, and during awkwardness that followed, Sirius knocked over James's cauldron, leading to a massive spillage. Peter's fat digits were strapped to his neck, and Sirius accidentally vaulted over his desk in a heavy attempt to escape.

The knife skidded across the table and burnt poor Verona Hawkghoster, who ( after a few seconds ), yelped and flew backwards from fear through her rather delayed reaction. She crashed into the cauldron of Fergus Carronson, and the contents turned her into a chimpanzee, albeit bright blue and had rather obscenely large lips.

Sirius heaved and the two boys bowled into Lily, who was advancing brazenly on Sirius with a hospital scalpel, and medical scissors, no doubt about to turn him into pastry, but was knocked backwards from the extreme force generated from the momentum of Peter's large body on her lithe one. Peter sneezed. He sat up. Some of Peter's sneeze fell into Alyssa Taylor's soupy potion.

This somehow led to a massive explosion.

The entire class ran for cover as the scuffed Wandlore potion had actually turned into a Duplicating Potion albeit highly effective in duplicating it's contents and rained Peter's nasal cavity residue onto the poor victims of Slughorn's class. Peter greeted the rain as if a blessing, opening his arms and looking with pure devotion at the cascade of liquids shooting towards him.

"I gave my promise to Remus did I would protect you. VALHALLA!". Peter roared and charged at Sirius, only to trip over his own snot and knock himself out on a rather unfortunate Lily, soaked from the chemicals. Peter started snoring. Sirius massaged his back and cleansed himself with his wand. Remus's potion was, strangely, not affected.

Lily stood up, looking murderous. She held a scalpel in her hands. Mary grabbed Sirius's shoulder.

"I tried making a Calming Draught for her in the morning, but it backfired. I'm not very good at Potions. It sort of reversed the effect and now she's not really thinking things through.".

"BLACK! I have control over this class now, and you are going to pay.". Lily advanced on him.

"You have to help her, Sirius. Try not to fight her. Does anyone have a Calming Draught or an alternative?".

The audience was either too occupied screaming, whimpering under various solid objects, or running around screaming to notice her request. Sirius was not used to being commanded by a girl. Except for if she was a dominatrix. Which was completely out of the point.

Evans charged him, screaming like a banshee. Sirius, in his infinite wisdom, had realized that this encounter would lead to some sort of mutilation or tragedy, and finding self-defense of domestic violence a suitable excuse for any damage to his best friend's crush, whipped out Remus's birthday gift to him, a Muggle camera, and taped the screaming Lily to provide substantial evidence of domestic violence when he was tried in court. Lily charged him nonetheless, and Sirius ducked.

He was almost out of harm's way crawling underneath when Lily called him out.

"Black, where are youooo?". She said in her sing-song voice.

"Uh... Somewhere over the rainbow, up high. There's a lan-".

Sirius was pulled out of his respective rendition of the Wizard Of Oz when Lily grabbed his legs and sent him flying into Hannah Vermillion's abdomen. Sirius screamed with a soprano of Marilyn Monroe.

The two collided and Sirius ended up in a 69 position with her, which was quite uncomfortable he had ghosted her a few, two-digit times. Hannah started eyeing him up only to scream and flee as Lily's shadow loomed over them.

Sirius twisted to the side and managed to snap a photo of a deranged Lily before he got his lens slashed open. Sirius squealed like a girl and shielded his camera from further damage.

"Any luck getting a potion?". He called out to Mary, who was huddled in one corner of the room with a make-shift table balanced on her lap.

"Trying. Keep her occupied. I think the stress has gotten to her mind and the failed Calming Draught sort of amplified the effect. We're making a better one.". Behind her, Marlene, Frank, and Alice were all rushing around with supplies and cutting over peeling them for Mary.

"I think I have a spell!". Simon McArroy rushed forward and casted a spell, but it missed Lily by a few meters and ricocheted off the walls.

"Your aim is so trash! Aim for her face!".

"That's what he said!".

"Oh, shove off.".

It continued to jump around the room. It finally cracked the glass wall of a container that was named - Private.

The entire room froze. Well, except for Sirius and Lily, who were still brawling. No one touched or even tried to look at the container named Private. It was one of those big mysteries, like whether cereal was a soup, or if fish were artificial organisms that the government created to spy on people. And where Slughorn went on his… nightly patrols.

Then, chaos broke loose. A million calming spells shot out of the container, no doubt a defensive mechanism. Lily and Sirius we're both struck with spells, but unfortunately for Mary, three rebounded into her half-finished concoction and it exploded and, once again, rained an unknown substance onto the sixth years.

Sirius grabbed Lily and pulled her underneath a table, to her dismay.

"Oh… my head…. it hurts.".

"Mine too.".

"What's happening… why am I underneath a table with you?". Her drowsy attitude completely dissipated.

"Uh.. well… it's a long story.".

"Oh… oh…". Lily's memory started returning to her. "Christ, I was a dick to you, wasn't I?".

"Well… Yes ... we both were.".

"Don't think you are forgiven for that little stunt, Black. Keep your eyes open for a prank these days.".

"So you won't shank me?".

"Positive. And if you keep asking, I might remember where I left my scalpel.".

They clambered out of the desk. The room seemed to be fine - no visible burns or strange stains. The residents were also, similarly fine, and the exploded potion seemed to be harmless. That was until Mary made eye contact with Alyssa.

"Oi, golden whore, what're you lookin at?".

"Piss off, acne.".

"You want to fight?".

"Yeah I want to!".

The duo then proceeded to bow and start bitch-slapping and pulling out each other's hair (They didn't really do the first part.). Fights started breaking out across the population. Verona the Blue Chimpanzee swung like Tarzan, kicking heads and causing general chaos until she crashed into Ben Donney and turned back into a human.

"Oh no… I think the reaction led to a Heartfelt potion.".

"Is that why the motto is now Make War Not Love?". Sirius said with horror, examining a fight between Simon and Derrick, culminating as Longhong picked up a chair and brought it down on Simon's head with a resounding crack.

Sirius winced. "He's not getting laid tonight. And isn't a Heartfelt potion supposed to be all, giddy and girly, and whatsoever?".

"No. It limits the recipients to two emotions, anger or love. It also amplifies the level of offense or love taken in - eye contact could lead to a fight. I imagine if Remus walked in, Mary would undoubtedly…. I don't know, proceed to give him a lap dance or something.".

"Then why aren't the females responding to me?".

"You? I'd say with your hair done up nicely, you'd be a five, but have you looked in a mirror?". Sirius clothes and hair were messed up with Peter's ... chemicals that had reacted with oxygen to form a hard, solidified, dark brown substance with a frightening similarity to excrement.

Lily then proceeded to break up a fight, but slipped in a puddle of unknown liquid and fell, snatching Mary's abandoned cauldron for a pillar. The mixture sloshed onto her face in a massive wave of liquids.

Sirius exhaled.

"Oh, Christ.".

"What do you know of Christ?".

Sirius's head swivelled towards Verona. She looked angrily at him.

"That's right, pagan.".

"Heretic! Heathen! Begone, foul animal of Hell!".

"Hey, I just want to know how long God's tallywagger is.".

"Raaaaah!".

Fights again broke out, but this time it was over religion.

"Guys, can't we compromise? I mean, the Crusades already happened.".

Sirius was then whacked over the head by a deranged Lily.

"Oh, this is getting boring.". Sirius gave Lily a masterful roundhouse kick but landed on the belly of Peter. Sirius cursed. The big, fat bloke was constantly in his way. Across the room, Denny Madhouse preached from the Bible he had produced from his pocket at Wendy from the Midlands.

"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in Hell. Matthew, ver-".

His rant was paused by an unforeseen Matthew Webster who held a chair with one hand. The chair sailed towards him.

"Fie on you! May the Lor-".

"RA! GOD OF ALL GODS!".

"You PAGAN! God shall exterminate you!".

"Our father, who art in heave-".

"Bless me, Ares.".

Sirius fled the scene. It surprised him that no one picked the logical option - leave the room, but emotions were running high at the point.

As he was about to leave, James and Remus walked in with a bottle and a book.

"Thank whatever person is in the sky that you are here.".

"What's going on? Why is Lily attacking Denny Madhouse?".

"Hey there, Remus.".

Remus' eyes widened in astonishment as Mary sauntered up to him and slipped off her robes.

Sirius Stunned her.

"Look, I'll explain outside.".

After the explanation, where the part about the singing had to be elaborated a couple of times, they came up with a plan to save the poor people inside battling for their lives.

"I still don't understand how it went from a normal potions class to a massive brawl over religion.".

"This is the most tiring day I've had, James. I just want to go upstairs, leave this to the teachers… and sleep.".

"Yeah, agreed.".

"Lads, my balls are still hard.".

"Oh, well get it off. Just hang in, for now.".

"And where do you heal?".

"I told you already, when the Calming Spell hit me. I feel...smart, actually thinking.".

"That's new.".

"Maybe the reason I as so stupid was because… I don't know, mermen magic or something.".

"But no suicidal tendencies, right?".

"Not anymore.".

"Good. We've got a spell for you. I'll tell you later.".

The brilliant plan was to sneak to the Potion's cupboard and Slughorn's private collection, preferably out of harm's way, and steal a couple of potions that would help calm down the class.

They entered the classroom, Sirius armed with a mace from a nearby knight and Remus and James, their wands ready.

"I still don't understand why you won't use your wand, Paddy.".

"Ever heard of smashing an opponent's face in? Much more pleasant.".

They were prepared to greet a host of enemies, but inside the entire class were mostly asleep. Snores reverberated. Sirius stepped across Mary's body and whistled.

"Damn, she's fine.".

"Sirius, I'm not saying this out of my apparent crush to Mary, but don't try to be a sex pest.".

"Ooooooo. Possessiveness, the first few traits of unyielding love. I mean, what gives you that idea?". Sirius innocently stated.

Remus turned to James.

"Is it fact that you're staring at her with that I'm going to wreck you look or the fact that you're touching your zippers.".

"Both.".

Sirius took his hands off his zippers and his eyes off Mary. They spotted Peter.

"Did you really send Peter after me, Moony?".

"It was for your own good. I wonder what you've done to him.".

"Oh, he knocked himself out by his own snot.".

"Is that what this hardened, brown stuff is?".

"How come it's so..".

"Don't ask.".

They made their way to the PRIVATE STASH collection. It was Slughorn's private collection of rare and hard-to-brew potions. Inside, as expected, were tens upon tens of glimmering vials. Remus picked out a few that would cancel out the effects of the Heartfelt potion and started revitalizing the students.

"Does he know that naming it Private stimulates a desire in children to know what is inside?".

"No. I think that all he thinks about is his next, poor, innocent victim.".

"I'm surprised we haven't found like, tied up children in his closet.".

"I wonder why his PRIVATE container is a little cracked.". Sirius prodded his finger at the mark of weakness caused by Simon's rebounding spell. The entire container shuddered, and an avalanche of gold exploded.

"Woah. Holy- Holy Shit! WE'RE RICH!". Sirius grabbed a handful of coins and pocketed them. James was shoveling as many golden pineapples, crystal quills and Galleons into his pockets as possible. Remus saw them and sighed.

"Children, children. Wait, aren't you stealing from him?".

"Remus.. you just jump to such heinous conclusions. Us respected citizens of Hogwarts would not convert to such atrocities. This, my best friend… is called discovery.". Sirius held up a coin as if he had just discovered America, and pocketed it.

"Wait… best friend? Remus is my best friend.".

"Calm down, Prongsy, he's mine.".

"He's mine!".

"Remus, who is your best friend?".

They looked at him accusingly.

"Uhhh… you're both my best friends.".

"That's morally and ethically impossible.".

"Thanks for clearing that up, Potter.".

"Shut your pie-hole, Black.".

Remus got in between them when he saw Sirius's hands clench. The two would begin squabbling any minute, and with equal prowess in dueling, Remus doubted the classroom would come out standing.

"Both of you are my best friends. I enjoy your presence equally.".

"Well ... then I guess we can compromise on that.".

"So we're all best friends here.".

"I guess.".

"What about Peter?".

Sirius scoffed.

"He's just a distant mate.".

James agreed on this. They then worked in silence and healed everyone after Remus confiscated the goods. As everyone started to wake up and get a grip of themselves, they began a process of mopping up spillage and organizing the tables in neat columns.

Mary woke up, extremely perturbed, and apologized to Remus a couple of times after being dressed.

"Everyone, everyone! I have just had an idea to initiate the Thing.".

"The Thing?".

"Elaborate?".

"Is this a joke, Sirius?".

"Uncultured yobs. The Thing comes from the old Norse thingvellir, which means meeting. It's basically like a meeting.".

"You just said that twice.".

"Fucking millenials.".

Remus didn't have the mental energy to rectify the age difference between millennials and teenagers.

"Well, we have to decide on the representatives. Three girls and three boys. A harmonious balance, a happy medium.".

"Why can't it be like - six.". Verona inquired.

"Because we don't have that many people, and I don't want to argue with shitheads.". Sirius replied.

"Well, we have our representatives.".

Lily, Verona and Wendy from the Midlands stepped forwards as the girls. James, Sirius and Remus also stepped in, a unanimous vote.

"Okay, there are some rules. 1. Members cannot resort to violence. 2. Members cannot allow an action to pass without support from the majority. 3. Blah blah blah. I can't read this.". Sirius then went to the bin, and shoved it deep into the contents of Waggle beards and Murtlap faeces.

As Sirius returned, one of the potions he had stolen from the cupboard toppled from his grape and splashed onto Lily. The entire room gasped.

"Oh no. That was not scripted. Lily, are you alright?".

Sirius wagered that Lily was tired of unknown chemicals landing on her face, skin or any part of her, really.

"I think I'm fine ... uh ...mumble bumble… tootsies taste nice.".

"She's mental.".

"I think she's getting the aftereffects of the potion. Potion, Padfoot?".

Sirius handed Remus the vial.

"Oh, this potion. Thank…someone that it is not harmful. It's a Draught Of Complete Desire - reveals the vicitm's desires and wants.".

Fergus thought it would be interesting to ask Lily what she wanted and desired.

"Hey, Lily, what do you desire?".

Lily fumbled around a bit, looking like she was about to fall with a blow of the wind, and answered drowsily.

"I want… to be top in my class.". Lily's best mates exhaled quietly. The boys sniggered and muttered something about being a tryhard under their breaths.

"And… to snog Potter.".

The entire class went still. Mary and Marlene shared panicked looks.

"Oh, God I want to snog his unbelievable face. If he didn't stop asking me out, I would've accepted his offer now.".

James looked confused and elated at the same time. On Sirius's face was an expression like he had just seen two virgins fall in love - which they had.

"Oh… James.".

Mary and Marlene grabbed Lily's arms and hoisted her back, and Alice Silenced her. Lily's musings were now a silent plea.

"Did that just happen?".

"Lily wants to snog James? But… she hates him.".

"What?".

"This completely goes against the laws of the universe.".

"Prongsy! Now, I believe, it is time to move to fourth base : marriage!".

"Sirius, don't scare him off. But even I am quite surprised by that turn of events.".

The entire class fell into heavy debate and discussion. James, on the other hand, was drunk with euphoria.

"Paddy, did you hear that? She-she wants to snog me. Me! Lily Evans wants to snog me.".

He rushed to Lily and puckered up his lips only to get pushed back by Alice.

"James, that is highly inappropriate. Wait until she consents.".

"She just consented! I've waited six years for her to snog me! Six years!".

"And if you really liked her, you'll wait a little longer.".

Sirius and Remus shared exhausted looks, like this was going to drive them up the wall. James's rants about Lily had only ended in fifth year, and the constant preaching of an incessant, horny 5 year old was burnt already into their minds.

"Paddy! She wants to kiss me.".

"That you have already reiterated at least six times.".

"Moony! Surely you have some congratulations!".

"I'm not sure what the achievement is in finding out that someone wants to snog you, but uh… congrats!".

"Yeah!".

James paraded around the room. The boys watched him in a mixture of amusement and concern (mostly on Remus's part). The girls, however, were looking a little less than amused.

"Ring the bells! Signal the signs! Lily likes James! She fancies him!".

"Hey, Derrick, you prick. I'm not sure if Lily would want this to be known across the whole school. Can you keep your mouth shut for just this once?".

"Jesu, Maria, are you on PMS?".

Maria Tudor rolled up her sleeves. The other girls brought out their wands and faced the boys. It was then realized that the room was split into genders.

"Why are all the boys to this side and the girls to that?".

"We don't want to breathe in your foul, rank scent of BO. And, on Lily's dignity, not one word of this encounter leaves this room.".

"Yeah right.". Simon said, "This is golden news. Soon the birds themselves will be singing : 'Lily loves James!'".

Wands were drawn.

"Hang on, hang on! Guys, girls. We are still having a meeting. The Thing is still in action. No violence.".

"Lily's spot is missing.".

"I'll take it.". Mary took Lily's chair.

"So… I guess the first item up for debate is the state of our clothin-".

"No, in fact. We're going to talk about the fact that no information leaves this room.".

"I find that highly improbable. News leaks through the smallest of openings.". Mary glared at him.

"Well said, Moony.".

"To be frank, Everyone knows that their anger and hate stems from a palpable sexual tension since first year.".

"Again, quite improbable. James just frustrated Lily.".

"I agree with that.".

"Can we PLEASE talk about Lily's confession!".

"What do we want to talk about?".

"The fact that no one talks about it.".

"I can't promise you that, I'm afraid.".

"Well, then. All in favor of shutting the boy's mouths?".

The girls representatives all agreed to this statement. Remus also was going to lift his hand, but was wrestled back by Sirius.

"I'm not sure this is in the rulebook, Sirius.". Remus noted as Sirius tied his arms around the chair with military rope.

"And that's an even majority. This means that the people must use other… methods to decide the outcome.".

"You mean like, we could all sit in a circle and share our feelings?".

"No. I mean violence.".

Wands were again drawn.

"It's the only logical way. We can't fight, and since we're the best three duellers here, it gives you girls a small, slim and teensy chance the size of Verona's head that you might win.".

"How is my hea- you little manwhore.".

"We'll see about the small chance. Girls, plan.". The girls huddled at the other side of the room, discussing battle tactics. The boys did the same, but also sent Simon McArroy to parlay. He met with Marlene in the center of the room, or no man's land.

"Hey there, McKinnon. You think there's a peaceful solution?".

"No. We have more men than you. I mean, women.".

"And that means…".

"We can easily flank you and rout you.".

"I'm not sure two flimsy females are considered a standardized flanking force.".

"We'll see about that.".

"You know that we will crush you.".

"Are you saying that we're worse at fighting than you are?".

"Yes.".

"Gender inequality. You think you're superior to us? Well, we'll give you a right good spanking once we destroy you.".

"I look forward to it.". Simon extended his hand.

Marlene shook it, and unbeknownst to him Simon had just received an older version of Extendable Ears from Marlene, one that could communicate long distances without a physical connecter. They went back to their respective teams.

"Well, I'd say we attack them. They'd be caught off guard instantly, they won't expect a frontal charge.".

"No, that's stupid. They have more men. And, they have a good trenching position at those upended tables.".

Indeed, the tables they hadn't cleaned proved invaluable natural defenses and acted as a makeshift trench for both sides.

"Well, you see those two tables there and that table on the right? Three men sneak to that and two there, and when we provoke them to charge we'll hit their backs as well as their front.".

"That sounded weird. Like a spitroasting.".

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Fergus. And when we do, we'll break them.".

"We could always wait for them to come and apologize.". Daniel Wilson said.

"We are not doing that. You can snipe from the back. Spells to use are the Stunning spell and maybe a Total-Body Bind.".

"On three.".

"One, two, three.".

"Uh…".

"LILY LIKES JAMES!". The boys laughed and hid underneath the tables. Smirking, the girls stayed on their ground.

Sirius announced in a pipsqueak voice.

"I officially announced this battle as started! If victory goes to the girls, the boys must keep their mouths shut. If it is a victory for the boys, then they can blab all about it!".

"We do this for Lily.". The girls nodded and agreed. Both sides roared as the battle commenced.

James giggled from the sidelines as the Pimm's was poured onto Sirius's balls.

"I am quite surprised to hear no comment about my… reproductive organs.".

"We didn't want to offend, but I would classify it as a micro.".

James roared with laughter. Sirius winced as the beetle juice melted.

"Stop overreacting. I'm sure the reaction is hardly exothermic.".

"Says the person pouring it.".

When Sirius's balls were finally clean of beetle juice, and Remus had read the Sirius the spell he would use, and the initial skirmishes of the battle had begun, Remus found three wine glasses and handed them out. Sirius raised his eyes.

"Hey, where's Peter?".

"Oh, he's being used as a natural obstacle and a meat shield for the battle.".

"Don't you feel concerned for him?".

"Yes… to a certain extent. No one will harm him.".

As he said this, a Bat-Bogey Hex was shot into his stomach and he doubled over as bats started appeared in droves.

"Well…".

"I was too scared to get near his mouth.".

"Me too.".

Remus raised the bottle of Pimm's. They still had three quarters of the bottle left. To each boy, he poured a cup of gin. Sirius and James grinned.

"I like fruit gin a little better in a cup rather than running down my leg.".

"No comment there.".

The three friends laughed and jested and downed their drinks and watched with interest as the carnage of the battle raged around them.

Next chapter might come up soon.