I knew better than to find my way back to Meghan's house again, even if every part of me wanted to throw caution to the wind just to make sure she was okay. On the other hand, I feared that my reappearance would only make matters worse. So I dragged myself back home, deciding to face Wade's wrath for breaking his finger. More so I wanted to see if I'd been missed, or merely forgotten.
When I entered the apartment the place was dark save for the light seeping in through the curtained windows. The television was on at a low volume which was oddly the only noise. I paused inside the door, looking down the dark hall. "Hello?"
"Ty?" It was my mother's groggy voice from the sofa. She sat up, pushing the blanket from her body, her hair disheveled from sleep and I could still see the tears that wet her eyes. "Oh, Ty!" She cried, getting up and rushing over to me, pulling me tightly into her arms. "I was so worried." She seemed sincerely relieved to see me, but that didn't make me feel at all guilty for causing her to worry.
"Where's Wade?" I asked flatly, not returning her embrace. She smelled of booze. She awkwardly let go, leaving her hands on my arms as she blinked slowly.
"Sleeping. It's been a rough night."
I scoffed. "I'm sure you took good care of his majesty," I snapped rudely, causing her to lower her hands and rub them against her thighs – a nervous habit.
"Ty, please. You broke the man's finger." She said it as if I should show more compassion.
"He's got nine more." I was startled by the sudden sting of her hand on my cheek. When I realized what she just did, I glared at her, my jaw popping. "He deserves to lose the use of something more vital." I would not apologize for my comment.
"Stop it. You don't realize how much he's done for us. And to treat him that way…"
My temper flared and my voice rose. "Are you kidding me?! He was hitting you and you were defending him! How stupid can you be?!" I spat without thinking, then immediately regretted it. I closed my mouth at her hurt expression, checking my outrage and calming down. "I'm sorry." I didn't like talking to her like that, like how Wade spoke to her, but there were times when I was just so frustrated and tired of her defending him that I lost control.
"No, you're right. I have been stupid." She looked me in the eye with her shame.
"Mom." I didn't want to hear it – whatever it was she was going to say to make me feel guilty even though I really just wanted to be angry at her for a while, though knew I couldn't.
"I haven't been fair to you," she reached out to me and I flinched, subconsciously expecting another slap. She seemed startled, stopping the movement and curling her fingers as she moved her hand slowly away. She looked hurt and despite knowing I had no reason to, I felt bad for recoiling from her touch. Then all I could think about was Meghan and how she reacted the exact same way. How her eyes widened so fearfully when I moved too quickly toward her and how her body tensed when our arms merely brushed. God I hoped she was okay.
Lily recovered quickly, trying to pass over my reaction. "I was thinking, maybe we can take one of our trips together." I didn't miss how low her voice became, as if she only wanted the conversation to be heard between us.
"Like to the zoo?" I asked, trying not to sound bored. When I was younger the zoo was my favorite place. I would beg my mom to take me every day. She'd be passed out on her bed after a night of binging and there I'd be, trying to nudge her awake. Though I was left disappointed and clutching my stuffed tiger the majority of the time, once a month she'd keep her promise and we'd go. I never wanted to come home because for those few hours I was the happiest of my life. Now I was old enough to know better and a trip to the zoo only brought back the memory of how young and naïve I'd been. If she thought that was going to erase her mistakes up to now, I was too old to be fooled like that.
The hopeful look on her face became more serious as she continued to look at me, not breaking eye contact as she often did when she was trying to lie to me. "No. Not to the zoo, Ty." Her head shook in a slow, meaningful way. She was studying me, hoping I would understand what she was trying to say before she had to say it out loud. I did. And, like the zoo, I no longer rushed out the door to go wait in the car.
"And how far would we get this time before we end up right back here?" I asked, shaking my head in disbelief. This was the third time since she married Wade that she threatened to leave him, promised me we would go far away and start a new life together. The last time it was Toronto. We made it as far as Calgary. The time before that we never made it to the front door. I suppose I should give her credit for progress, but I didn't believe she would ever truly leave him. He was like a drug to her – one she'd overdose on, promise she'd quit, but wouldn't be able to deny when in front of her.
"I'm serious this time. When you left last night… Not knowing when, or if, you'd come back… Ty, you are the most important thing in my life." She held her arm against her side, rubbing her fingers together as if trying to prevent herself from reaching out again. I didn't mention her lack of concern over the fact that it was a school day and I wasn't there.
"Two seconds ago you hit me for not appreciating Wade enough, and now you're saying you're ready to walk out on him?" I called bullshit and my tone said as much. I wanted to believe her, I truly did. If I knew without a doubt that she really meant it this time, I'd be grabbing her hand and we'd be out the door before he could even wake up from his nap and ask for a beer. I knew better. And by now so should she. "Don't do that, Mom."
"What? I mean it, Ty. I-" she seemed ready to try and convince me, but I stopped her before she could waste her breath and what small hope I had left.
"No. You don't." She really was scared I wouldn't come back this time and was willing to say anything to prevent a next time when I truly wouldn't. It was pathetic but being that she was my mom I just felt sad for her. "And please don't lie to me to try to earn my forgiveness. You won't get it."
I turned to go back to my room, but she was quick to catch my arm and stop me. "Wait, please." I pulled it from her grasp as I turned back, actually feeling my heart wrench when I saw her shrink away as if she were expecting me to strike her as Wade did. God, what kind of sick twisted world did I live in where this was an expected reaction and no one knew the touch of a gentle hand.
"Sit with me. We can watch a movie. I think there's some pizza leftover." Her eyes were pleading, desperate for some kind of affection. As much as I was so upset with her a lot of the time for putting me second tier, I was not immune to those needs. I craved those bonding moments with my mother like any child, no matter how bitter I could be.
I sighed, caving. "Let me just put this away." I shrugged off my duffel bag and carried it into my bedroom, closing my eyes as the image of her smile froze in my mind.
"Lily." Wade's gruff voice carried from their bedroom as I walked by.
"Try again." I replied, not bothering to stop and see what he wanted. I didn't care. I walked into my room to drop my bag.
"Lily!" He yelled. I heard the creak of the bed springs. A moment later she appeared to see what he needed. I closed my eyes to keep from rolling them.
"I need more aspirin. And a cold drink." There was a clink of glass as something dropped into a waste basket.
"You shouldn't be taking those pills with alcohol," Lily advised gently while I tried not to snort too loudly from across the hall. She was one to talk.
"Did I ask for your opinion? Just do as you're told," he snapped and once again I bristled at the way he spoke to her like she was his personal slave.
I looked up when she emerged from the room to fulfill Wade's request, a frown darkening my brow. "No. Don't you go waiting on him like he's an invalid." I made her stop and stepped into the hall, yelling at Wade. "I broke your finger, not your legs. Get your lazy ass up and get your own beer. She's not your servant."
"It's fine, Ty. I don't mind."
"You see? She wants to do it. If she didn't, she doesn't have to."
"Bullshit," I spat. My mother was so brainwashed she only wanted to do things for Wade because she believed the moment he no longer had use of her he'd leave her with nothing and nowhere to go. It was the same cycle over and over again.
I touched my mom's arm, leading her a few steps down the hall so Wade couldn't hear us. "If you want to prove to me how serious you are about cutting ties with that scumbag, then you need to show me. Stop letting him bully you around. See him for the trash he really is and stand up for yourself." I didn't even care if she stood up for me because I didn't need her to. It would be nice, but I was perfectly capable of it on my own. She needed to work on her first.
At first she looked uncertain, her green eyes that matched mine darting over my shoulder toward the bedroom. When she looked back at me I could see the subtle change in them as she nodded.
It was that look alone that revealed just how far we would have gotten had I believed her when she suggested we take a trip. She wasn't ready and I knew it, but there was still a chance that she could be. "It won't do you any good lying in bed all day," she called to him, looking at me for approval. "Get dressed and I'll make you something to eat."
I shot her a sideways glance but didn't say anything else. Baby steps.
Despite his displeasure, Wade crawled out of bed and made an appearance, not that he put much effort into his. His broken finger was braced to the one beside it with masking tape. When he saw my eyes drop to it he fixed me with a look that promised retaliation. The phone rang as he emerged in the kitchen, Lily moving to answer it, leaving us to have a silent standoff.
"Don't you have something to say to me, kid?" He slid into a chair at the table, cocking his head expectantly.
I knew what he was after. "I'm not sorry for what I did." I said coolly, crossing my arms to my chest.
"No. But Lily sure will be if you don't tell me what I want to hear."
Blood cooled in my veins. Wade and I stared each other down as we had a separate, unspoken, conversation beneath the verbal one.
"Is that a threat?" I could see Wade was baiting me, trying to get a rise out of me, perhaps even physical retaliation for what he was saying. He knew precisely where my boiling point sat and how to exploit it. I've gotten in trouble on several occasions for my inability to keep my temper in check. The worst part was, I knew better than to take the bait but just couldn't help it. It was like my consciousness let go of the wheel and the automatic steering took over but instead of safely coming to a stop, malfunctioned and ran headlong into another car. I could see it coming but reacted too slow. As much as I gained satisfaction for causing Wade any kind of harm, I knew it upset my mom so I tried not to let my instincts get the better of me if for no other reason than her. I wasn't afraid of him trying to charge me with assault because I had so much more on him whatever they did to me would be worth what they slapped him with. Even so, I knew what something like that would do to Lily and just did my best to keep myself in check.
Wade and I were still having a stare down when Lily came back from her phone call, announcing that she was going in to cover the late shift at the diner. I was relieved. It got her out of the house, away from Wade, and put more money in her pocket. But I was too preoccupied silently pummeling Wade into a pulp to answer right away.
He was the first to acknowledge her comment. "I'll take you after we eat."
I twitched, not liking his misogynistic tone. Sometimes I really thought he was trapped with a 1950's mentality. "I'll take you now if you need to go." I shot him a look of disgust.
"No, no. There's plenty of time for us to sit and eat together." Lily sounded almost chipper at the thought, as if a family dinner was all they needed to make things right as rain. To this day I would still get whiplash trying to follow her thought processes.
Lily was pulling open the fridge and cabinets, searching for any kind of groceries we happened to have to turn into some kind of meal. "Sit down, Ty. I'll get you boys something to snack on in the mean time."
I remained standing where I was.
"Come on, Ty. Have a seat. Let's talk as men do while the women do their duty." Wade gestured to the chair I was gripping tightly, so easily faking chumminess. He spanked my mother on the ass when she walked by. I tried not to vomit on the table.
"I have homework to do." Surely I did, but I wasn't actually going to do it. I just didn't want to sit and pretend like not a minute before Wade and I were ready to go rounds with each other. I couldn't turn my switch like he could and from the smirk on his face he seemed to find satisfaction in that as I vacated the kitchen despite my mom's protests. She wanted me to stay and talk and I would have, had the rat not crawled out of his hole; more so had she not let him into her nest.