This story was translated from the Spanish story "Mírame", written by me, Tsuki W.
Look at me
Chapter 3
That Saturday I was planning to stay at home and just lay down in my bed all day long. Suddenly, the bell rang and I had to go to check who was at the door. It maybe was the building janitor to say that gas price had increased again because of the energy problems in the country, and that kind of claptrap.
I opened the door and frozen. Ken was there, at the door, looking at me so calmly, carrying his cat on his arms. He did not even say hello, but was direct as always.
-Napoleon does not want to eat, I think he misses you –he said, stretched his hands out and handed me his cat
I did not even wanted to make a claim for his lack of delicacy of forgetting my birthday just because he wanted to meet another woman. So, I take Napoleon and he purred to me, rubbing his head against my neck.
-Are you sick, my little friend? Why do you not want to eat? –I asked, petting him on his back- Did you take him to the vet? –I inquired, while avoiding to looking at Ken
-Yes, I did. He told me he is healthy
-Well, at least he decided it was a good idea taking him to the vet –I thought sarcastically
At that moment, I do not know why, I believed I was dealing with an idiot.
-So, why did you bring him to me?
-I told you before. I think he misses you, because of that he does not want to eat –Ken said again
-Let's see if that is true –I said, and put Napoleon down on the floor
I did not offer Ken to come in on purpose. I was very resentful towards him. I wanted to be the least kind to him because he deserved it. However, since he does not notice about anything, he came into my apartment, went to sit in an armchair and started looking for something to watch on TV.
-This is the height of the insolence –I thought, outraged. But, of course, I myself had allowed him to be like this with me
I went to the kitchen and take out a bag of cat food from the cupboard. I had that kind of food for some emergency cases –those times when Ken forgets to say he would not be at home for some days-. I looked for the plate Napoleon used to use when he was at my apartment, and put some food on it.
As soon as I put the plate down on the floor, the little cat jumped over it. He raised his head from time to time only to verify I was there next to him. I cannot say how touched I felt because of it. At least he did need me and knew if I am not around. So, I squatted and rubbed his head gently, while he continued eating. I felt like crying.
-See? You were the problem –Ken said. He had stopping watching the TV and was leaning against the open door
-"The problem"? –I said, frowning
Unintentionally he just had touched raw nerves and I was not going to keep quite this time.
-What do you mean with that? –I asked, standing up- Am I a problem for you now? That is the last straw!
I wanted to say more but I contained myself. I did not even know what I wanted to yell at him until feeling I was free. I just bit my lip and left the kitchen. I did not want Ken being in front of me.
-Not a problem for me, but for Napoleon –he clarified, so calmly as before- He is used to being fed by you
-Well, he will have to get used to it no longer –I let fly, looking at him furiously- I am really busy and cannot go to your apartment every day. Why do you not ask your friend Aiko that favor?
I wanted to know what he would say.
-Aiko-san works all day long –he alleged, not being a little upset
Can really someone be so stupid? It is supposed that, in times like that, you have to kindly say –even if it is forced- "it would not be the same". So, the other person may feel you care for him. But, we are talking about Ken, of course, the indifferent and distant Karate keeper. The insensitive and stupid Ken Wakashimazu.
-Do you think I am not busy? –I asked, insulted
-I know you are studying, but working is different –he remarked, and made me angrier
Just in case, was he saying that what that asshole does is more important than what I do?
-Besides, you yourself offered your assistance, didn't you?
-Thank you for reminding me –I said sarcastically
-And Napoleon got used to you
-He could get used to someone else
-That would take some time. You know he has a difficult personality
I wanted to punch his face. Could he not open his eyes a little bit and see I just wanted a thoughtful answer to me?
-So, will you go? –he asked, since I did not give a response
-I will go, but just until you find someone else to do it –I said, looking away
-It is okay –he accepted. So simply as that
-Is it okay? –I asked myself in my mind. Is it really okay? You are such an insensitive asshole
-By the way, can I leave Napoleon with you today? –Ken looked hesitant
-Why? –some doubts arouse on me
-I had planned to have a dinner with Aiko-san today, but I do not think I will have sufficient time for going back home and leave Napoleon there
-Will you have a dinner with her? –I repeated, my heart shook- What, did you finally get a girlfriend? –I teased him, waiting for an "of course not"
-I guess –his answer was indifferent
-What do you mean with that?
-I do not know. I guess we are dating if we do "couple stuff" –he sounded so simple and absurd that I became exasperated
I wanted to know. I really wanted to ask him what the hell he was talking about. I wanted to know what kind of stuff he had done with that woman to make him think she was his girlfriend. But, I could not ask, that would be very masochistic. I had been torturing myself for so many years having an unrequited love and it was enough with that.
-I hate you –I said in my mind
My words did not come out, neither my questions. The knot in my throat grew, and I could not let him see me crying.
-So, can I leave Napoleon here? I may come for him tomorrow
-Whatever –I felt hurt
I lifted Napoleon –he was licking one of his legs- and took him to my room. Then, I closed the door and said nothing else.
-Thank you! –he cinically yelled
Next, I heard how the main door was closed.
-You are an asshole… -I muttered, as my chest hurt and my tears started to fall on the head of the cat, who was trying to lick my face
The next day, as he said, Ken appeared to take Napoleon with him. I said nothing to him. I just said goodbye to the cat and turned my face away, muttering "bye", then I closed the door. I can swear he attributed my strange behavior to "my days".
Some days later, maintaining my position on not calling him, I got a call from Kazuki. He, with no effort to hide his true intentions, asked if I had a problem with Ken. Seemingly, he had call him to know if there was something wrong with me, because I had not called him.
I tried to preserve my damaged self-esteem and said I was trying to keep my distance because Ken already had a girlfriend, and that was painful for me.
Kazuki kept quiet for many seconds. Maybe he was trying to organize his thoughts, so he would be able to tell me about them in a no so brutal way –as he usually is-. I know he already knew I had gone through enough cruelty.
He supported my decision and told me that everything would be better in that way. That tore me to pieces, because it was true. I just could answer, "You are right", even though I did not want to accept it.
The very thought of getting away from Ken hurt me. Maybe I could get used to it with the passing time, just as Napoleon would get used to not needing me. However, how is it possible to start such a painful endeavor?
Anyway, I decided to put my plan of keeping away from Ken in practice. Nevertheless, even before starting, I made an absurd deal with myself: if he calls me in the next three days, I would reconsider my plan. After all, sometimes love does not make sense nor has dignity.
I waited anxiously for those first three days, waiting for a call or a message, but nothing happened. Again, I scolded myself for being so idiot and having wait something he would never do. My decision was taken, and I had to continue with my plan even if that hurt me.
As I have offered, I kept going to his apartment in order to feed Napoleon. I did not want to see Ken, so I went with the cat during the hours Ken was not at home.
I stopped buying and leaving food in the fridge for him, as I was used to do. Usually, he did not have the time or just was too lazy to do shopping. Because of that, I would leave food or water for him. Thereby, at least, his fridge would not look deserted as it was. I felt like his "savior".
Doing that –not leaving some food for Ken- was not so easy. I had to resist the temptation I felt due to the idea of Ken, in the middle of the night, looking for something in the fridge and finding nothing. However, I got rid of the idea holding on to my pride, that pride I finally could dust off and show again.
One day, I went as usual to Ken's apartment. Napoleon came out to meet me, while purring at my feet. I bent to pick him up, and, suddenly, heard the door was opening. I was so startled, because it was supposed there was no one else at the apartment at that time.
-Hi –Ken calmly greeted me, stretching, wearing only his pajama pants
-Put on a t-shirt or something –I grunted, looking away
My face was burning. Imagine how you would feel if the person you like appears half-naked in front of you. Damn hormones that react so easily with him.
-It is too hot –he said, undaunted, walking barefoot to the kitchen
-Why are you here? –I asked, picking Napoleon up- Why are not you at your practice?
-I had a game yesterday, so today there is no practice –he took out from the fridge a half-finished bottle of water to drink from it
-Damn it! I forgot it –I muttered annoyed
Silly me! How could I forget that? Because of the game I had taken refuge in home and avoided going near the soccer stadium.
-I have not seen you for days. Have you been busy? –his question sounded like made by chance
-Did you notice it? –I was sarcastic
-Of course, the fridge is empty
My jaw dropped. Had he seriously noticed my absence because of the empty fridge?
-Besides, we are not going for lunch together anymore –he calmly said
-I guess you did not need to analyze how empty was your fridge to notice that –I felt hurt and like crying
-What?
-It is nothing
-Have you been sick? –he seemed concerned
I had to be strong and called to my lost dignity, so that face would not convince me.
-No, I have not
-So?
-Do you really care?
-Why are you asking that? –he asked, one of his eyebrows went up
Once again, he did not know what was happening.
-It is nothing
I did not want to give that answer. I really wanted to throw everything I thought into his face, but that would not make sense.
-I did not know you were here –I said- So, since you are able to feed Napoleon, I am leaving
Then, I let Napoleon go and moved toward the door.
-But he wants you to feed him
-How do you know that?
-I fed him and he did not touch the food
I turned to look the cat's plate and realized that was true. There was food on it, but Napoleon was sitting at my feet, looking at me as he wagged his tail.
-That does not make sense –I grunted. Ken had to be making it up
I walked to the plate, picked it up and then left it where it was. Strangely, Napoleon came and began to eat.
-See? –he said in a teasing tone
-Well, at least you understand how the cat feels –I was very sarcastic
-What?
-It is nothing
We remained in silence. We could hear only the sound of Napoleon eating. I did not want to see Ken. I bit my tongue to not letting a word come out. I wanted him feeling the way I felt when he was indifferent to me.
-Do you have class? –he suddenly asked
-You know I do not –I still did not look at him
-So, are you going to stay for lunch?
-Huh?
I looked at him astonished. Even my heart skipped a beat.
-Aiko-san cooked dinner for me yesterday and I have some leftovers. I guess we can eat that at lunch
-Aiko-san? –I said in my mind, and my heart shook- So, she prepares dinner for him as "real lovers"
-So? –he insisted, because I was staring at him without answering
-I do not like to eat leftovers –I answered and looked away
-But it is homemade
-Even so
-You will like it
-No! –I broke out, and one of his eyebrows went up
-Well then, we can go to buy something for you. I will eat the leftovers
-No
-No what
-I will not stay –I said almost running toward the door
-Do you have something to do? –he followed me
-Yes
-What
-Something
-"Something"?
-Yes, something –I said again, frowning- So stop questioning. I am leaving –then, I put my shoes on
-You are weird these days. Maybe…is it because of those problems women have every month? –Ken suggested, with such a naïve tone, that I wanted to punch his face
-My menstruation has nothing to do with me leaving your house –I was annoyed and offended
I was right. He attributed my different behavior to "my days".
-Bye –I said and left without turning
The people on the train looked surprised, because it should not be so normal having someone there crying while embracing a metal bar. A lady, when she got off the train, patted my shoulder as she passed by me. I was really pifitul.
Paola Wakabayashi, Naoko Hoshigawa, Aiko Fujimiya and Napoleon (the cat) are OC characters created by Tsuki_W.
All the Captain Tsubasa's characters belong to Yoichi Takahashi and Shueisha.
Thank you for reading!